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Please help. Where to start? My #1 problem right now is I seem to have a huge,massive, paralyzing fear of the mail & bills. It doesn’t make sense, I have the money for the bills, I’m terrified to open the box, read the bill & pay it! It’s causing me lots of financial difficulties. I’ve talked about it to psychologists before & they seem to be interested in talking about my other problems. One told me to get a boyfriend. A lot of people tell me that. I’m sort of introverted & a bit anti-social. Sometimes & just don’t want to bother with any one. Sometimes I just feel awkward. I’ve been diagnosed with Depression. I am currently taking Prozac. I think my fears are becoming real liabilities & I feel isolated from the world, Maybe I can’t be helped, which is depressing. I get dejected because I don’t think I can really talk to anyone about this stuff anymore, but I really want help. What the heck is wrong with me & what can I do?

Anthrax, letter bombs, certified mail from lawyers, time-wasting junk mail, important mail for someone that you have to deal with, rejection letters, mudslinging from political candidates, sales on things we still can’t afford, and returned mail for insufficient postage are just part of what is in our psyche about snail mail. But I noticed that you did e-mail us here, which I am very encouraged by, because it means not all forms of mail are troublesome. This is a good sign.

It is hard to know if something specific (a negative piece of mail you specifically received) or something more generic is operating. But it is best to approach this fear as a situation-specific condition. This will give us a way of trying to solve it directly. If that doesn’t work we can go on to something more involved.

I would limit the times you go to the mailbox to twice a week, like a Tuesday or Saturday, and ask a trusted friend or family member to go with you when you pick it up. By having two means of control — when you go and going with another person — it changes the buildup of anxiety about the situation.

Secondly, I would bring a garbage bag with you and as you take mail out of the mailbox throw out the junk mail instantly. This rapid decision-making process also gives you control and helps limit your contact.

Finally, I would sort what is left into “know mail” (like bills) that you know have to be paid and other mail that is important.

With your trusted friend or family member present open the important mail. This provides you with a safety net of another person who can be there if the information you receive is unpleasant. This should also strengthen your bond with the person as it gives you a chance to express your gratitude.

Do this for the next month to break the cycle and see if your fears diminish. If so, experiment with “fading” your helper by having them wait for you while you retrieve the mail. All of these things are ways of helping to desensitize you to the dreaded deed.

If this doesn’t help the fear may be more involved. In this case you should find a therapist (the find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate one in your area.) He or she will certainly help you get to the bottom of it. In therapy we try the easiest solution first. If that doesn’t do it we look for other possible causes and experiment from there.

You asking for help from us was a strong, positive step in the right direction.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Approximately 6 years ago I was diagnosed with PTSD after being pressured to undergo and abortion at 20 weeks gestation by my now ex husband. He threatened to take away my two other children, or kill me, and repeatedly drove me to abortion clinics. They have you speak to a counselor prior to undergoing the procedure, I would say no, and he would just drive me to another abortion clinic the next week. Finally I underwent the procedure, I was overcome by his constant threats. A few days later, as I was recovering from the procedure, I was overcome by guilt and grief for my baby, and I attempted suicide. After a few days in the pscych ward, my then husbands signed me out, telling them I would be in his care. I didn’t undergo any therapy at the time, I was sort of just speechless, could not verbally deal with what happened at all. Instead, a doctor put me on what I think was Celexa, which I remained on for about a year before weaning myself off of it. I never received additional treatment or therapy after leaving the hospital.

Years have passed, and 4 lawyers later I am finally divorced. I have managed to hold myself together enough to progress in my career, finish school, and by my first home for myself and my two children. However, since my divorce was finalized a couple of years after the incident, I have not been unable to maintain a dating relationship with anyone for more than a couple of months, and now I haven’t even had a date in over a year. Lately, I have been isolating myself from friends and family. I don’t feel like going out or socializing. Even socializing at work is painful for me. I feel awkward and ugly and just disconnected. It seems to be getting worse lately. I’m also increasingly jumpy and fearful, at any loud or sudden noise or movement. I can’ even watch a clip from a scary movie, and recently watched a cartoon movie with my kids and kept getting startled! I don’t want to be a fraidy cat or a socially inept, and alone forever. I really would like to date people, but I’m just too shy to talk to anyone that shows interest. I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother. I know it’s going back quite a few years, but I keep thinking I should talk to someone about the whole issue that caused the PTSD, but at the same time, I don’t want to dig up old wounds,I cried just writing this. But my question is, how do I pick up and move forward, and fix all these horrible personality quirks I’ve developed?

Counseling could be very beneficial for you. I understand that much of your past is difficult to speak about. Ironically, that is precisely why counseling would be good for you.

You experienced trauma in your past relationship. It makes sense that you are now having trouble with the prospect of new and future relationships. You may also be experiencing depression symptoms. Your desire to isolate may be a sign of depression. The fact that you feel “awkward, ugly and disconnected” may be another sign. Feeling disconnected could also be a symptom of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The fact that you are easily startled may also be indicative of PTSD.

In your letter, you provided a logical rationale for why you should attend treatment. “I want my kids to grow up with a healthy, normal parent, I don’t want them to have any emotional problems from having such a weird mother.” Children see their parents as role models. They often learn how to behave based on how they see their parents behave. If a parent has depression, their children may be more likely to experience it at some point in their lives compared to children whose parents do not have the disorder. If you would like to read more about depression and its effect on children, please click here.

Counseling may be difficult but it is the right course of action. You’ve experienced significant trauma in your life. These experiences need to be dealt with for the purpose of improving the quality of your life and increasing your chances of a healthy relationship in the future. It is the right thing to do. It is also the responsible choice and it can help you immensely.

Lastly, one very important quality to note is your resiliency. Despite an unhappy and abusive marriage, you managed to continue your career, finish your education and purchase a home for your family. Those are major life accomplishments. You’ve done very well despite a difficult history. Now you are faced with another challenge in your life. This time, you may need assistance and support and that is why I am recommending therapy. Here is a link to Psychology Today. It may be able to help you locate a therapist in your community. Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

Lawyers

Fear of mail

Dealing With Fear, Anxiety, and PTSD