Tag:

Long Term Relationship

Am I Always Going To Be Single?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 31, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I cried in church today during the baptism of a baby. It’s like all of the loneliness and insecurities inside of me came to the surface when I saw the happy parents and their adorable child in this joyous moment. Because I am so afraid I am never going to have the opportunity to experience this. That I will not find someone to spend the rest of my life with – and in enough time to have a child.

You see, my clock is ticking. I am 38 years old and I don’t have a boyfriend. And I have never even had a real long-term relationship. So, I feel like there is something really wrong with me. All my friends are married and I feel so left out and alone when we get together as a group. Especially since one of them just found out that she is pregnant. Even though I love children and am really happy for her, I know my feelings are going to be bittersweet when her baby comes.

The older I get, the weirder I feel about not having ever been in a LTR. And it doesn’t help that some guys that I have dated have actually said that they think it’s really strange that I haven’t been in one. So, it makes me not want to talk about it, even though my friends say it’s nothing to be ashamed of – that it’s better to have not been in a relationship than to have been in a bad one (like a lot of them have).

I don’t even know why I haven’t been in anything long-lasting. It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up in a really dysfunctional household (with emotional and physical abuse). So, I moved out when I was 18 years old and started working right away as a matter of necessity. I never went to college so I didn’t have that opportunity for dating exposure.

Also, when I was growing up, the way that I handled my lack of control in my house is with my food. So, I ended up becoming bulimic and depressed. When I moved out of that toxic situation my emotional state improved and I wasn’t depressed any more. But I still didn’t have a healthy relationship with food. Since I associated being thin with being unhappy (like I was during my teenage years), I turned to food for comfort and ended up gaining a huge amount of weight. So, I am sure that didn’t help with my dating prospects either.

But, a couple of years ago, I decided (mainly for health reasons) to shed the weight. And I lost 70 pounds (which I am very proud of). But yet I still haven’t found that special someone, even though I thought that the weight was what was holding me back. And it’s not for lack of trying. I have done the whole on-line dating thing. Plus, I am very active with church and other social activities – I am always out and about doing things that I enjoy. I have always figured that meeting the right person would just happen during the natural course of life. But, this hasn’t happened and I am starting to get scared that I will never find anyone – and that I will always be alone.

Plus, as I get older I feel less desirable. I have stretch marks from all of the weight that I lost and my breasts are sagging as a result – not to mention my gray hair. Also, I had surgery this past year to remove some endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. And my doctor said that I might not be able to have children without assistance (such as IVF) since one of my fallopian tubes is twisted/clogged up. So, on top of everything else, a guy might not be able to even have a kid with me since I could possibly be barren.

I definitely have some self-image problems, but I am trying to work on those. It’s hard, though, because I grew up with a mom who made me feel like I wasn’t attractive – she never complimented my physical appearance, but yet would rant and rave about how beautiful other people were. And she told me that “people like us” had to work on being better in other areas, since we couldn’t rely on our looks.

One thing I am confident about, though, is my personality. I have a good sense of humor and am a loyal and caring friend. So, I know that I would bring a lot to a relationship with the right man. And I would expect the same qualities from him in return. I just haven’t met the person who I have this balance with yet.

I can’t talk to my friends about my fears because when I have in the past, they have discounted them. They think I am the lucky one being single since I don’t have to deal with a demanding husband, difficult in-laws, etc. They say that I should just enjoy my single life while I can and that I am over-thinking the situation – that when I least expect it the right guy will come along.

But, what if he doesn’t? I am starting to lose faith that this will happen and feel like I have no control over it. No matter how I try to live my life and be happy, this fear is lurking in the back of my mind.

So, please help me figure out how to tackle this sense of hopelessness when it comes to finding a long-term partner. Because I don’t want to keep having these huge waves of sadness whenever the thought pops up of possibly being alone forever…

First of all it is not only normal but healthy to have the desires that you have. You learn relationship skills or the lack there of from your parents as you grow up. Are you lacking in your relationship skills? Probably. Do you have a self image problem? Probably. Do you control your physical appearance as a reaction to your psychological state? Probably.

Here is my recommendation to you. Continue to seek out a relationship. Utilize all of the online dating services available to you. Begin counseling. Should a relationship begin with someone make sure that you are discussing this relationship and critiquing your behavior in that relationship as a central point in your therapy. Physical attraction is a part of most relationships, in fact the vast majority.

Who knows why or how we are attracted to another person but still we are. It is important in the initial attraction phase and is also important throughout the duration of the relationship. I have spent many hours listening to clients complain about how their partner has “let themselves go.” It is the changeable things that they complain about, not those that come from accident or the aging process. People can’t understand why their partner would choose to look less good than they could. I have rarely heard someone complain about their significant other’s wrinkles or missing toes or facial scar. I have instead heard them complain about gray hair that could be colored or weight that could be lost or clothes that could be more fashionable, etc.

I tell you this to let you know how people think. When you are looking for someone to date, realize how people think. I think they will see you much more positively if they think that you are the kind of person who tries to look their best. The opposite would be for them to think that you are the kind of person who really doesn’t care how they look or dress. It isn’t so much how you look but more so whether or not you care to present your best appearance. That is what seems to matter to them. So, with that in mind, do your best to present a good appearance. Aren’t we all being judged by others as we walk down the hallway of any mall?

You will be similarly judged by those who are attracted enough to you, to ask you for a date. What I am saying applies equally to men and women. Be well groomed. Present a good appearance. The fact that you care will have a positive impact on how others perceive you psychologically. People do care about what is inside you but sometimes their impression of the inside comes from their observations of the outside. No one can truly see inside you, so they do their best to guess from the clues that they can perceive. Let’s work on finding that relationship. It’s right for most people and it’s right for you. Take care.

August 31, 2022 0 comments

Death of an in-law and confused at my role as wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 26, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband’s father committed murder/suicide less than a month into our marriage. His father lived in a different state. We flew my husband out the day that his father died and I followed the next day. I stayed there for about a week to help/mourn/be there but I had to return due to obligations with work and school. I did not want to leave and separating from my husband was very difficult so soon after our marriage and his father’s shocking death. My husband decided he wanted to stay longer because he is very worried about his sisters.

My husband, his sisters, and I are all very close in age. His youngest sister is in a long-term relationship and is very close to her boyfriends parents. She also has many other loving friends in their hometown. His middle sister has a very loving and supportive group of friends. His mother (not his father’s wife) also lives close to both sisters.

My father also died three years ago so this event brought up a lot of emotions for me. Although I did have my mother and other friends near by when I flew back, no one here knew my father-in-law and do not really understand the type of grieving we were going through. Not many people can say they know someone who committed a murder suicide! I loved my father-in-law and was so grateful to have him around after the death of my father and looked forward to him being in our life when we had grandchildren.

I feel like my husband and I should be going through this together but he just says he knows we’ll be fine and that he needs to be there for his sisters. I feel guilty about my feelings and am worried that I am not being supportive enough. I obviously recognize that he is in shock and grieving and I want to be there for him but its very difficult when we are so far apart. In the meantime his youngest sister has gone back to work and his other sister has moved back to their hometown to find a job and be close to friends. From what I see they are moving on and do not necessarily need my husband as much as he thinks they do.

I’m not comparing my loss to his, but I do feel like he is completely ignoring my grief and and our needs as newlyweds because of his intense worry for his sisters. I too, am grieving the death of my father-in-law, but feel guilty that I want and need my husband in this time. I am struggling with my husband’s choice to stay in his home state for so long and leave me alone on the other side of the country. Am I right to feel this way?

I think you are right to be concerned. Your husband seems to be leaning on the idea that his sisters need him when it may be that he is needing them. They seem to have started the path back to regular life. Your husband seems stuck. I wonder if he understands that feelings of shame and anger as well as grief and loss are normal at a time like this. He may be having great difficulty reconciling his father’s violent death with the father he knew. Since he is the only male child, he may be scared that there is something in the male line that he will “inherit.” It’s unlikely, of course. But such feelings aren’t rational. They are born of grief and fear. He may think that only his sisters, who grew up in the same family and who knew his father as he did, can truly get what he is going through.

You didn’t mention how long the two of you have been apart but since his sisters seem to be reclaiming their lives, it’s time he did as well. It may be that one block is that your husband thinks that being with you will add your grief to his and that he will be overwhelmed by it. He may be afraid that you will be offended if he asks you to give him some space for awhile. Your job is to tell him that you understand that everyone grieves differently. Reassure him that you will take his lead about what to talk about and how much to talk about it. Let him know that it will be enough for now to just have him home so that you can quietly support each other.

If, when he gets home, the two of you can’t find a way to move forward without hurting each other, it might help you to see a grief counselor for a few sessions. You’re right that few of your friends will be able to really get what you’re going thorugh. A counselor who specializes in loss will. Some support and specific suggestions about how to move forward may be what you both need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 26, 2022 0 comments

Interpersonal Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 14, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend and I have been together for over a year. Before him, I only dated once, and I was really heartbroken when it was over. It took me years before I finally fully reconciled what I had lost. Since then, I only had a temporary “fling,” where I also got hurt. So, when we started dating, it was really stressful and overwhelming for me, especially since we only spent about 2 weeks getting to know each other. He was very passionate about his feelings for me, and it wasn’t long before we started having sex and he told me he loved me. I have a history of depression and anxiety, and I had a hard time voicing the many struggles I had within our relationship. He had dated 3 women consecutively before me, two of whom he was intimate with, and I was confused how he could get over a long-term relationship so quickly after it had taken me so long to get over my first one. I struggled immensely with the fact that he had sex with other women before me, since he was my first true experience with sex, and I also was questioning his relationship pattern: can he go without dating a woman? He grew up with a single mother, so it makes sense, but he only waited a month or so to start dating me after his last relationship ended (it lasted about a year and a half). I wondered if I was just the next girl in line, and if I was really any different from the rest. He’s very in love with me, and I love him, but not as much as he loves me. I broke up with him a few weeks after our 1 year because I couldn’t take the struggles anymore, and he was physically sick. He said he cried himself to sleep each night and vomited in the morning. I couldn’t stand how much pain he was in over me, and I also felt like I still have love for him, so I went back with him within a week and a half. During this time apart, his ex contacted him and they met up- she wanted him back, but he told her he wanted to be with me. He also hung out with another girl (who just found out we got back together) and said he “met” someone, but it didn’t go anywhere. He said all he really wanted was to me with me. However, he didn’t tell me about his ex contacting him until about a week after starting our relationship again, and he didn’t tell me they communicated at one point during the summer either. He is sometimes inappropriate with his flirting, and when I talk with some of the girls he knows, he asks me “what we talked about,” and now I’m paranoid that he’s hiding things from me. I just don’t know if I can totally trust him. I know he loves me very much, but I just feel uneasy in our relationship at times. What should I do?

I appreciate the pain and struggle you are going through with this relationship, and while I don’t want to be simplistic about the differences between men and women and dating I will say there is some truth to the statement that when relationships end, men replace and women grieve.

That having been said, the insecurities and concerns you are feeling are natural in this relationship. The first thing that I would note is that the primary concern you have seems to be during the time you were broken up. During that 10-day period your then ex-boyfriend began some connections with other women. This should not be a surprise given that men will most often move on faster than women. Of course this isn’t always true, but what I am saying is that if you were broken up, his behavior isn’t a surprise.

I would encourage you to find a voice in this relationship and start creating a commitment that is based on mutual trust. Explain what you need from him in the relationship and be open to hearing his expectations. True intimacy is the result of shared vulnerability and this needs to happen with a discussion.

In your profile it indicated you were in college. I would take advantage of the counseling program at the school and see if they would be willing to have a few couples sessions. This might do wonders fo the two of you beginning to communicate your needs and expectations more directly to one another.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 14, 2021 0 comments

I Really Want a Second Chance

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 18, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Canada: We had been going out for two years and a half, loved listening rock music together and we were first loves. He was my first and I was his. We would have celebrated our third year together June 12th 2016 had he not broken up with me on march 7th. I loved him so much, but I began slipping away when he wasn’t trying to get me anymore (didn’t make me feel wanted) so then I started being distant, rude, and it wasn’t hard for me to start arguments on anything. I realize I pushed him away so much. When we had arguments he saw me as an evil person who didn’t know when to stop arguing. I realize we had a serious lack of communication, and that I was trying to get his love back by fighting and making him feel bad so he would love me more. That logic makes no sense, I know. I feel incredibly sorry about everything I have done to push him away in the relationship. We moved in together for our first year of university and that is when things started to go down. I didn’t cook much, didn’t listen to him, anything. I would love for him to see how wonderful I truly am and not the person he’d been with for the past year. His parents are very much involved in his life. On the night before he broke up with me I texted him because he hadn’t texted me in two days (we went home for march break) and was upset over it. He told me he wanted to spend time with his family and that if I had nothing good to say to not text him. I left him alone but I called him around 11pm. He was drunk at a friends. I told him our relationship was obviously over if he were to do things like that, I swore a bit on text, etc. The next day he texted me he was on his way home, that I was to find my own drive and that he was going up with his parents and moving out because he couldn’t do this anymore. His parents told him to move out, I am fairly certain. Some parts of our texts he said he still has feelings, and at the end he told me no. Please help fix this!

Thank you for asking your question. The “fix” for this has to do with letting go and taking the good that was in the relationship forward — while learning from the parts that went bad. Just because you want him back doesn’t mean that is where the work is. The priority is to understand why you pushed him away and why you chose to: “… get his love back by fighting and making him feel bad so he would love me more.” Until you recognize why this was your chosen strategy it is likely to happen again.

Before you pursue him take some time talking to a counselor at the university. Don’t jump back into this or another relationship until you can learn a bit more about yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

February 18, 2021 0 comments

I have no sexual desires toward my partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 25, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now but for more than a year I have not wanted to have sex with him. I now can’t even make the effort just to please him and we are not intimate in anyway (minimal hugs, no kisses). I still love him, think he is cute and care for him but I know the way things are is not right. We don’t see eye to eye on many subjects and I don’t really feel we have any fun together. Recently I have been wandering whether I would be better off single and have been fantasizing about other men and passionate encounters (although not anyone specific)

I’m so confused, as I’m not sure whether I am staying with him because it’s easy and comfortable (I enjoy our lifestyle of holidays and meals out). I don’t have many friends or family so without him I pretty much have nothing.

This is only my second long term relationship and the same thing happened the first time around- I cringed at the thought of being intimate with him and craved passion with someone else- so maybe this is just the way it will always be for me. I’m not very confident so always seem to choose ‘nice’ guys but then seem to get bored and desire something a bit rough and wild- but is this just a case of ‘the grass is always greener’ and unrealistic long term. I’ve also always seen sex as a physical act and don’t attach emotion, when I was younger I enjoyed the excitement and emotionless ness of one nightstands.

I’m so confused and am just so distressed as I thought this was the right relationship for me for the rest of my life.

I can imagine that this is a very uncomfortable space to be in. But my suggestion is to deal with this sooner rather than later. The relationship as you thought it would be is over, so don’t prolong the agony for you or him. First of all, he deserves more than what you are giving, and his tolerance for the less-than-adequate relationship will be something he will have to educate himself about in therapy. But as far as your side of the equation, I would be direct and let him know that your feelings have systematically been diminished and that you are not fully present in the relationship. I would find the courage to end it and try to come to grips with understanding the dissatisfaction you feel at the end of relationships.

Here is a link to an article I’ve written about how we are attracted to others and what we might be able to do to alter it.

As you make these changes in your life I would strongly recommend that you begin therapy to help understand these feelings you have. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

July 25, 2011 0 comments

I have no sexual desires towards my partner

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 15, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 2 and a half years now but for more than a year I have not wanted to have sex with him. I now can’t even make the effort just to please him and we are not intimate in anyway (minimal hugs, no kisses). I still love him, think he is cute and care for him but I know the way things are is not right. We don’t see eye to eye on many subjects and I don’t really feel we have any fun together. Recently I have been wandering whether I would be better off single and have been fantasizing about other men and passionate encounters (although not anyone specific)

I’m so confused, as I’m not sure whether I am staying with him because it’s easy and comfortable (I enjoy our lifestyle of holidays and meals out). I don’t have many friends or family so without him I pretty much have nothing.

This is only my second long term relationship and the same thing happened the first time around- I cringed at the thought of being intimate with him and craved passion with someone else- so maybe this is just the way it will always be for me. I’m not very confident so always seem to choose ‘nice’ guys but then seem to get bored and desire something a bit rough and wild- but is this just a case of ‘the grass is always greener’ and unrealistic long term. I’ve also always seen sex as a physical act and don’t attach emotion, when I was younger I enjoyed the excitement and emotionless ness of one night stands.

I’m so confused and am just so distressed as I thought this was the right relationship for me for the rest of my life.

I can imagine that this is a very uncomfortable space to be in. But my suggestion is to deal with this sooner rather than later. The relationship as you thought it would be is over, so doesn’t prolong the agony for you or him. First of all he deserves more than what you are giving, and his tolerance for the less than adequate relationship will be something he will have to educate himself about in therapy. But as far as your side of the equation I would be direct and let him know that your feelings have systematically been diminished and that you are not fully present in the relationship. I would find the courage to end it and try to come to grips with understanding the dissatisfaction you feel at the end of relationships.

Here is a link to an article I’ve written about how we are attracted to others and what we might be able to do to alter it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

July 15, 2011 0 comments

Why Am I So Jealous?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 22, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am incredibly jealous in my current relationship. I have never been a jealous girlfriend before. With previous boyfriends, I felt a pang of jealousy with certain circumstances – like one bf used to stay at a female friend’s house in France for holidays – but I just told myself there’s no point in going out with someone unless you trust them and that worked.

I completely trust my boyfriend, probably more than I’ve trusted any previous boyfriend! Yet I feel distraught when he mentions his past. Even if he doesn’t mention an ex girlfriend I just imagine that they were there. I get upset during sex or if he doesn’t seem to be responding well enough to my advances (all other experiences have been that if I do something sexy, men want to have sex with me, but my current bf sometimes doesn’t respond or just ignores it). I also got upset because it somehow came up in conversation that I had the longest pubic hair he had ever seen. I don’t make much effort on myself but I never have and it’s never been a problem. I’ve always been able to get a boyfriend if I want one so I suppose I’d assumed I didn’t need to try. My boyfriend tells me that he doesn’t want me to make any effort, keeps telling me I don’t need make up and he likes me just how I am, but since he mentioned the pubic hair thing, and he said he liked it shorted for practical reasons during sex, I feel completely inferior.

I also don’t really like it when he speaks to other women, unless they are in a long-term relationship.

I’ve never, ever felt like this before. I think most of it is because I just suddenly think everyone is better than me and that I’m a useless excuse for a woman. My self-esteem just seems to have plummeted over the last year and I’m not clear why. I love my boyfriend but sometimes I think about leaving him. This is because many times a day I feel this simultaneous mixture of emotions – love and heartbreak – the sort of pain I imagine I would get if he left. I just don’t want to hurt anymore.

I don’t act jealous around my bf and would never ask him not to do something/see someone for my sake. I talk to him calmly about my jealousy so I can explain why I am upset but I always make sure I tell him that this is my problem and not in any way his fault. I don’t want him to feel like he needs to change the things he does just so I don’t get jealous.

I’m really stuck on this, I don’t know how to make it stop. I feel like crying a lot of the time. How can I start feeling more confident again? I hate feeling jealous and it is also making my boyfriend feel bad.

Thank you for writing.

It sounds to me like you don’t feel good enough about yourself. The jealousy you are describing is probably a projection. You are likely to be jealous of a trait or characteristic that hasn’t fully formed (yet) inside of you. My guess is that you were probably drawn to his confidence.

Self-acceptance is needed to undo jealousy. When you cognitively restructured your thoughts, such as telling yourself that a relationship is valueless unless you have trust, you were able to cope much better.

Self-acceptance is important for coping with the internal pangs you describe. I would recommend working with a cognitive-behavioral therapist for a few brief sessions to identify more of the negative thoughts you have (you have a good handle on many of them from your description here) and to find more positive affirmations to replace them. The find help tab at the top of the page will assist you in locating someone.

That having been said, the other part of this is to be okay enough with your boundaries and concerns that you can assert them clearly enough when they are bothering you. When he says or does something you don’t like it will be just as important to find your voice and be clear about what isn’t okay.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 22, 2011 0 comments