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Loss Of Interest

Falling Out of Love and Loosing a Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my husband for 7 years. We work great together, sometimes it feels like I married my best friend. However, after having a long distance relationship for about one year I find that my feelings for him are starting to fade. I am afraid that I am falling out of love. I still enjoy talking to him over Skype, but I don’t really miss him. However, he seems to miss me a lot and can’t wait to be together again.

Last time we were together we did have fun and I enjoyed his company, but the physical attraction was almost completely gone. And I hate myself for not feeling as attracted to him as he seems to feel for me.

I also start to get annoyed by things that did not use to bother me. For example, he does not follow the news or show any interest in problems in society that I love discussing.

In four months, he is moving back with me and we will be living together again. I am hoping that I can fall back in love with him, but I am not sure if it is possible. Is it? Or am I lying to myself?

Another problem is that I have become increasingly aware of a special connection with a good friend of mine. We are not exactly flirting, but during a party we shared a look that definitely was not platonic (hard to describe the tension, but it was intense). Almost right after he asked how my husband feels about moving back to my country, instead of the other way around as originally planned. Later on in the night he acted a bit off and kept telling his other friend that he might have to leave before he does something stupid.

Now, I know that just a shared look/moment should not be something to get worked up about, but I am afraid that I might be falling for him instead (obviously, not just because of that, there are many reasons).

At the same time, I would rather not risk ruining our friendship and I think he might feel the same way. The next day we both pretended like nothing happened and talked like we always do, except we both avoided keeping eye contact for too long. Now I am really afraid we might not be able to hang out like we used to. I really value our friendship and I am angry at myself for feeling something deeper than friendship for him when I am already married. I feel like I am betraying my husband emotionally.

I know these are two problems in one, but they are not unrelated. I was starting to feel like I was falling out of love before that weird moment with my friend but sharing that moment seem to have brought the issue into sharper focus.

Can I fall back in love with my husband and can I save my friendship? (From Finland)

The attraction to your friend is a symptom of the weak and unsettled feelings in your marriage. This means that you must first solve the question of whether or not your marriage is still viable. If your marriage was not in jeopardy the less-than-platonic looks would not have happened.

I didn’t read anywhere in your letter that you talked to your husband about these feelings. This is the first step. I would encourage you to talk about what’s going on so that you and he can have a chance to fix it. If he doesn’t know, he can’t do anything about it. It sounds like your marriage is least it is worth talking about. If you act on the other relationship without talking about your feelings with your husband it will still leave you unsettled. I recommend working with the couples counselor to sort these feelings through.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I have lost interest in many things

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 15 and in the past year since 9th grade I’ve changed. Last year, my grades were fine and I was happy. This year though, I’ve noticed that I have lost interest in many things (ex. I used to play guitar alot and one day I just stopped being interested in music spontaniously, and this happenes frequently now) also I have been having problems with anger. I try to not show it but lately I have been getting so angry and some things that I need to break something or like punch a wall. Also When I get mad I start to get pains in my chest sometimes from getting so mad. Normally, if my parents are getting angry at me I will start to get a headache and I don’t seem to think as well. I wouldn’t say I have a low self esteem but I don’t like to socialize a ton and I haven’t had a girlfriend yet, I have also noticed my grades are going down this year which has caused me to get angry and start to give up. Any advice? Thanks (Also if it helps I don’t smoke, do drugs or drink, I mostly keep to myself and like to be alone or with one person)

It’s hard to know from your letter if you are having symptoms of a psychological problem or if you are going through the usual, though painful, growing pains of being 15. There’s no getting around the fact that adolescence is a challenging time of life for just about everyone.

I can tell you think hard about things so perhaps you can consider some ideas.

It’s not at all unusual for kids your age to try on different activities and interests and reject most of them. It’s like trying on jeans. You might take 20 pair into the dressing room and only buy the one that fits best. You don’t scold yourself for not buying the other 19. They just didn’t fit. The same thing applies to trying on sports, hobbies, and interests – even people. It’s also not unusual to feel uncomfortable socially or to not have a girlfriend yet. It’s a little appreciated fact that over half of young people don’t have a special boy- or girlfriend while in high school. These people need to get into a new environment with new people to meet the right person. And it’s also not that unusual for a young man your age to feel angry and irritable. Your hormones are changing. You’re aware of more things that you find troublesome. You don’t like being treated like a kid anymore.

My advice is that you be patient with yourself and take more charge of your life. If you want better grades, a young man as thoughtful as you are can decide to do the work to get them. If you want to socialize more, put yourself into situations where you get some practice (like an organized club or theatre group or sport). You are doing well controlling your anger but you aren’t figuring out what you can do so that you aren’t in situations where you might get so angry. Maybe, for example, you and your folks are at the point where you can discuss your differences differently.

On the other hand, if you start to have trouble with sleep or appetite and find that you are irritable more times than not, it’s possible that you are getting depressed. If you think that might be the case, ask your folks to make you an appointment with a mental health professional for an evaluation. Having a counselor to talk to can prevent a depression from getting worse and can help you learn skills to get back to your usual self.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Wife Has Detached from Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife has attachment disorder. We have been married for almost 3 years. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives. I chose to focus on that stress rather than focus on her and how perfect we were for each other. She’s also been sick since before we met with adrenal fatigue and a gluten intolerance that only recently we figured out. But, before, we only knew that she was sick but not the reason. Therefore, I had to really take care of her physical needs. Some days she wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed and I had to take care of her.

This never bothered me, but after a very short while, I started resenting her. I wanted to be with her but it was mostly as friends. I wasn’t in the mood for sex almost every day. She was the one who always started anything and even during the act, I just wasn’t very much into it. I don’t know why. I think she is beautiful and sexy but I could go months without sex and be fine with just a cuddle. I also didn’t compliment her almost at all. She would act sexy and seductive for me and I would barely notice, not because I didn’t enjoy it but because I was distracted and didn’t pay attention to her.

The problem is that she always asked me to talk to her and to be honest with her and I ignored that. I chose to keep all these feelings to myself, afraid that it would cause and argument (I don’t like confrontation).

I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism. She knows it can cause a loss of interest and lower the libido. However, she thinks (and I agree) that it doesn’t matter how I FELT, I could have still made an effort to make her feel beautiful and wanted.

Now, after many many chances she’s given me, she said she’s had enough. She broke up with me and, even though we are still living together, we are only friends. I know I was selfish, and stupid for not talking to her, even though she begged me to. And now, no matter how hard I try, she says that she’s detached from me. She feels a little spark and it’s gone in less than 2 seconds. She says she still loves me, but it was really hard for her to attach to me in the first place and she feels like it’s not worth doing all that work again because of how I treated her. She was always crazy about me.

I used to have a very low self esteem and she made me feel like the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. I just took what she gave me and didn’t give anything in return. To the point that she started doubting herself and feeling like she wasn’t beautiful or like there was something wrong with her.

I don’t want to lose her and I don’t know how to make things right. But I don’t know if things can be fixed between us. I don’t know if she will ever trust me with her heart again. Thinking back, I can’t understand why I did that. It makes no sense to me.

This relationship has been sapped of its energy. Unable to deal with conflict, you didn’t talk about your feelings and only acted out your resentment. It took the threat of losing her for you to re-engage. Understandably, your wife doesn’t trust it.

If your wife is willing, please consider seeing a couples therapist to develop new ways to communicate and to support each other. If your wife won’t go at this point, please consider seeing a therapist yourself. Marriages go through hard times as well as good times. You want to figure out why you couldn’t be a loving support to someone you love so this doesn’t happen to you again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Loss of Interest

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We’ve lived together for around 4yrs, known him around 19yrs, and after 2yrs of living w/him, he has seemed slowly to lose interest in me. I can attract the eye of any guy in the room but him. I can cook dinner in a sexy bat girl, school girl, German girl,ect outfit and he doesn’t even notice. Yet first chance he gets he’s online looking at half naked/naked woman. Is our relationship in trouble? Talking just angers him and makes me feel more like he doesn’t care how it makes me feel. I’m not naive enough to think he’d stop looking at other chicks online, I just want him to look at me too. It’s gotten to where I hardly sleep in the same room with him because I hate the way I feel. Our sex life is horrible. He’s always been a slightly selfish lover but now it’s pretty much always a completely selfish lover except for maybe 1 time out of 6 in a 3 moth period, and I stress the maybe. I love him and even though he’s selfish and stingy like an only child can seem to be, I know he loves me as well, other than this issue we get along rather well. We have not ever fought or argued over anything other than this. Honestly every time I try to say something about how it makes me feel, or ask if he could please act like I am someone pretty in his eyes, he clams up,and if I push it or ask how to fix it or what I’m doing wrong, he eventually blows up on me. Never saying he’s sorry for hurting me or making me feel like he is not attracted to me, he says I am in the wrong, he’s a man, what else did I expect, and things of that nature.I don’t know what to do, but I know things cannot continue on this way much longer. My heart hurts, I cry way too much for my taste, and I am losing confidence in me. I’m 37, 5’3 ,and 123 lbs, I know I’m pretty, but at the same time I don’t FEEL pretty anymore. How can I fix this please if there is anything that might help I’d like to hear what it is. Thanks for your time. (From the USA)

Yes, your relationship is in trouble. Let’s review what you’ve said. He would rather look at strangers on the internet than pay attention to you. When you go to talk to him about how this makes you feel the best he can do is get angry. You don’t enjoy sleeping in the same room with him because of how he makes you feel. He isn’t a good lover, is stingy, and can’t handle an intimate discussion about the relationship. His only excuse for all of this is that he is a man.

In short, here is someone who couldn’t care less about your feelings of being satisfied in the relationship, you suffer emotionally from his lack of responsiveness, and he has no desire, plan, or willingness to change. Time to move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Think There’s Something Seriously Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am unmotivated and I feel lazy all the time. I procrastinate all my school work and I have no sense of time management of all. I daydream all the time about the far future. I can be very social sometimes, but over the past two years I have become extremely detached. I do well in social situations, I just choose not to engage in them. I lie all the time, sometimes for no good reason. I have a father who was physically abusive to my mom and sister and I hate him for it but it doesn’t really bother me anymore since he lives in another country. I don’t feel sympathy when bad things happen to my friends. I’m fairly certain that if one of my closest friends died I wouldn’t feel bad at all. I often harbor violent thoughts when it comes to people I hate, such as my father’s mistress. Also, I’ve never wanted to get married. A lot of my friends dream about the day they would get married and their future husbands and kids, but for some reason it’s never appealed to me at all. The notion of sex and any form of intimate relationship does not interest me. I think there is something seriously wrong with me. I’ve had this feeling for a long time now, I just never reached out to ask anyone because I was scared. Am I depressed? Are the issues that I have able to be resolved, or am I just “wired”wrong? I’m really starting to hate myself because my personality just has so many flaws. I don’t think I’m a good person.

It is possible that you are experiencing depression. The things that used to interest you don’t anymore. You are very hard on yourself. Your feelings could be the result of your having witnessed violence and chaos in your home. Your father’s abuse led to the breakup of your family. You’re attempting to “find yourself” in the context of a chaotic home life.

I don’t think you are “wired differently.” You are likely reacting to what you have lived through with your family. Witnessing violence takes an emotional toll. Research has shown that children who witness violence experience psychological and emotional problems including feelings of hostility, anxiety, social withdrawal and depression; all symptoms you have described.

Many people have difficult childhood experiences. Sometimes they internalize those negative experiences and begin to believe bad things about themselves. These negative thoughts can lead to depression and misery. That might be what has happened to you. It is possible that had you not experienced what you have, you would not feel the way you do. Therapy can help to heal the problems that may have resulted from a difficult family life.

You’re frightened to ask for help but you shouldn’t be. Mental health professionals want to help you. They are empathic listeners who offer evidence-based, nonjudgmental advice. Therapy is a safe place to share your feelings and to receive constructive and supportive feedback that will improve your life. I hope that you will consider it. It would be a great asset to your life. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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