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Death of an in-law and confused at my role as wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 26th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband’s father committed murder/suicide less than a month into our marriage. His father lived in a different state. We flew my husband out the day that his father died and I followed the next day. I stayed there for about a week to help/mourn/be there but I had to return due to obligations with work and school. I did not want to leave and separating from my husband was very difficult so soon after our marriage and his father’s shocking death. My husband decided he wanted to stay longer because he is very worried about his sisters.

My husband, his sisters, and I are all very close in age. His youngest sister is in a long-term relationship and is very close to her boyfriends parents. She also has many other loving friends in their hometown. His middle sister has a very loving and supportive group of friends. His mother (not his father’s wife) also lives close to both sisters.

My father also died three years ago so this event brought up a lot of emotions for me. Although I did have my mother and other friends near by when I flew back, no one here knew my father-in-law and do not really understand the type of grieving we were going through. Not many people can say they know someone who committed a murder suicide! I loved my father-in-law and was so grateful to have him around after the death of my father and looked forward to him being in our life when we had grandchildren.

I feel like my husband and I should be going through this together but he just says he knows we’ll be fine and that he needs to be there for his sisters. I feel guilty about my feelings and am worried that I am not being supportive enough. I obviously recognize that he is in shock and grieving and I want to be there for him but its very difficult when we are so far apart. In the meantime his youngest sister has gone back to work and his other sister has moved back to their hometown to find a job and be close to friends. From what I see they are moving on and do not necessarily need my husband as much as he thinks they do.

I’m not comparing my loss to his, but I do feel like he is completely ignoring my grief and and our needs as newlyweds because of his intense worry for his sisters. I too, am grieving the death of my father-in-law, but feel guilty that I want and need my husband in this time. I am struggling with my husband’s choice to stay in his home state for so long and leave me alone on the other side of the country. Am I right to feel this way?

I think you are right to be concerned. Your husband seems to be leaning on the idea that his sisters need him when it may be that he is needing them. They seem to have started the path back to regular life. Your husband seems stuck. I wonder if he understands that feelings of shame and anger as well as grief and loss are normal at a time like this. He may be having great difficulty reconciling his father’s violent death with the father he knew. Since he is the only male child, he may be scared that there is something in the male line that he will “inherit.” It’s unlikely, of course. But such feelings aren’t rational. They are born of grief and fear. He may think that only his sisters, who grew up in the same family and who knew his father as he did, can truly get what he is going through.

You didn’t mention how long the two of you have been apart but since his sisters seem to be reclaiming their lives, it’s time he did as well. It may be that one block is that your husband thinks that being with you will add your grief to his and that he will be overwhelmed by it. He may be afraid that you will be offended if he asks you to give him some space for awhile. Your job is to tell him that you understand that everyone grieves differently. Reassure him that you will take his lead about what to talk about and how much to talk about it. Let him know that it will be enough for now to just have him home so that you can quietly support each other.

If, when he gets home, the two of you can’t find a way to move forward without hurting each other, it might help you to see a grief counselor for a few sessions. You’re right that few of your friends will be able to really get what you’re going thorugh. A counselor who specializes in loss will. Some support and specific suggestions about how to move forward may be what you both need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can I change who I am?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 25th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

For so long I’ve really felt like I couldn’t define myself, and it contributed to depersonalization and other problems. Now looking at it I see it’s not that i can’t define myself, it’s that my definition of myself is the opposite of what i want to be. I am cautious, yet want to be adventurous, anxious, yet want to be mellow, inflexible while wanting to be adaptive, realistic while wanting the ambition realism cannot support, isolative and self-supporting while I’d rather be reliant on people if it meant I would be social, and more. I know who I am, and I know who I want to be, but the only things left uncontradicted are not any thing important. Can I change who I am to fit how I want to be, and if so, please aid me with a detailed description of how it is even possible. I really need this. If it means anything, self esteem also plays a big part.

You’ve clearly given this a lot of thought. Good for you! All things are possible — including reinventing yourself. I can’t give you a full program in a forum like this one but I can give you a few ways to get started.

  1. Don’t underestimate the things you think are unimportant. Everyone has to start somewhere. The qualities that are solid (what you called “uncontradictable”) form a base to work from. They may seem minor to you but they do provide a foundation for what you build next.
  2. Do work on that self-esteem. It’s hard to do a self-improvement program if you don’t appreciate your own good qualities. I suggest you find at least a couple things each day to appreciate about yourself. Positives produce more positives. It’s a fact. In our article 6 Tips to Improve Your Self-Esteem we state, “Boiled down to its simplicity, self-esteem simply means appreciating yourself for who you are — faults, foibles and all. It seems like other cultures don’t grapple with self-esteem as much as Americans do, perhaps because of the emphasis we seem to put on materialistic indicators of self-worth (like what kind of car you drive, what school your kids attend, what your grades are, how big a house you have, or what your title is at work). The difference between someone with a healthy or good self-esteem and someone who doesn’t isn’t ability, per se. It’s simply acknowledgement of your strengths and weaknesses, and moving through the world safe in that knowledge.”
  3. Choose the two or three changes you want most to make. Think hard about what someone would be like who has those qualities. Picture yourself doing them. Picture it in detail. Would you stand, sit, or walk differently? Would you change anything about the way you dress or present yourself in the world? Would you need to know more about something? Got the picture? Now – act as if you were already there. Do it as much as you can for at least three weeks, maybe four. This is like trying on a new pair of jeans to see if they fit. Act “as if” until you either feel comfortable in the new role or you decide that maybe it isn’t what you had in mind after all.

In case you’re skeptical: These things really do work. Give it a try.

If you don’t have a good support system, you might also want to get into therapy for awhile in order to have someone in your corner to talk to and to get feedback from. It never hurts to have some unqualified support when we’re trying to do something challenging.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Lost

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 12th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’ve been through some stuff, for starters I am an immigrant in the U.S. I’ve been made fun of because of that a lot. I now lie about my origins; I don’t accept the fact that I am not American in front of anyone but my own family. I am basically embarrassed of who I am and I hate myself for that, I mean I should be proud, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a very nice home either, I don’t have a lot of things that I wish I did. I live with my aunt and my cousins, my parents live in Mexico, I see them once a week for a couple of hours. My aunt and uncle constantly fight and so do my cousins, it’s gotten to the point of physical violence and I don’t know what to do sometimes. I lock myself in my room and try to avoid them and everything now. I have secluded myself from my family but for some reason I don’t mind it. I am afraid because I like being alone and I don’t think that’s normal. Being alone makes me feel calm but at the same time I feel lonely, I have a lot of trouble communicating with people. I feel like a fool every time I talk to someone new so I just stick with my old friends, but it seems like now they don’t want to talk to me, or maybe I’m just too boring? Maybe I just have to change myself. Though I have tried, I have tried being nicer but I feel like a hypocrite because it’s not genuine…I tend to judge a lot too, in my head I analyze everything. Every little detail of every person and I always finds something bad, I hate it! Why can’t I just be like the other people, free and careless? I’m very self-conscious. I think sometimes I care too much of what other people think, I tend to make people’s likes and dislikes my own just to agree with them. Why can’t I ever express myself properly? I was never like this, when I was little I was very outgoing and everything was so wonderful. I think I changed a lot when I started living with my cousins. For some reason I have this weird flashback from when I was smaller. I was sleeping with my brother and my two cousins, I was in the middle of the bed and all of a sudden I woke up, and my cousin was touching me…then he looked me in the eye and said what? And I didn’t say anything. I just turned the other way and went back to sleep. I don’t know for sure if this really happened but I could swear it did. Everything is so clear in my head and it disgusts me that for some twisted reason I didn’t mind it. Why didn’t I say anything? My brother was right next to me! I’m so disgusting. I am currently unsure of what I want, and I guess that’s perfectly normal for a teenager but it bothers me so much and I stress over so many things and I just wish I could stop caring so much like everyone else. Why can’t I just have a normal family and a normal house? I wish my mom was here, I miss her so much and I miss the way my dad and I were. My dad and I were so close until I found out he had another family, though I guess I always knew but I never took it seriously until I was a little older, at first I thought sharing my daddy was ok. Then I realized he’s wrong and so is my mom for allowing it. Now his other wife has cancer, he is no longer the same and the only time I see him, he ignores me and I have learned to ignore him as well. I hate it though… I miss his old self and my old self and I just need someone to tell me how to change. I just want to be sure because I don’t remember when was the last time I was completely sure about anything.

I appreciate you writing us here at Psych Central and hope I can offer some thoughts on helping you. Since you are still in high school I think you want to start with the resources there. The important thing now is for you to have an adult who understands the transitions and issues you are going through – and the best place to start is with your school guidance counselor. He or she has training in helping students with exactly the kind of issues you are bringing forward. Talk to them as soon as you can about your concerns and they should be able to help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Social Anxiety or Something More?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 9th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past two years I’ve noticed my social abilities steadily declining, and I’m at a point where I don’t speak unless spoken to. My school life is being affected due to my fear and inability to ask for help on problems or such. I was diagnosed with social anxiety about four years ago, but this feeling is no longer the same. I’m constantly afraid in most all situations, and I shake like a small dog. I’m finding it hard to talk to some of my dearest friends due to my sentences being choppy, and they always have to ask me what I mean several times to the point where I just stop trying. I was also diagnosed with depression and ADHD four years ago. The depression has been awful for the past 2 years, a way that in never was before.. I started cutting myself when I was 10 years old. I hadn’t cut in 3 years last month, and the next thing I know, I’m hunched up in my bathroom holding a razor. When I went to use it, it was gone, and I was in the kitchen. I’m at submitting this right now because the other night, it wasn’t a frantic hallucination. I don’t remember a lot of it though, and I found pieces of paper on which I drew very disturbing images in my blood. I really don’t know what to think anymore. I avoid calling or talking to my friends, even when I’m aware that I like that person and would probably enjoy talking to them, I just stare at the phone while its ringing and wait for it to stop. There are also other, more minor, hallucinations that I’ve dealt with for some time. My vision is constantly obscured by a layer of static like..things, of which I was informed was incurable. At night I see horrible things in them. Lately, it doesn’t have to be night to see them. I just really want some idea of what’s happening to me- this is the only resource I have at the moment. Thank you in advance for your time.

You are very welcome. I’m not certain that I fully understand all of the symptoms you have described, especially the hallucinations. You stated that your vision is “constantly obscured by a layer of static like… things” which you described as being “incurable.” Are you saying that you were diagnosed with a vision problem? If so, it is possible that the experiences that you are referring to as hallucinations are associated with the vision problem.

You also described periods in which you lose consciousness. During those blackouts, you apparently engaged in disturbing behaviors of which you have no recollection.

There may be two potential issues. One is social anxiety that seems to be progressively becoming worse. The second may be a medical issue (i.e. problems with vision, blacking out, etc.).

The fact that you have been diagnosed with several mental health disorders means that you’ve been to see a mental health professional. Are you currently seeing a mental health professional? If not, it is important to be evaluated. If you are under the care of mental health professionals, inform them about the fact that your symptoms have become worse. An adjustment to your treatment plan may be necessary.

It is also important that you are evaluated by a physician, preferably an eye care professional if you have trouble with your vision. Problems with vision and losing consciousness might be signs of neurological problems. It may be best to consult your primary care physician, report all of your symptoms and ask for a referral to the appropriate medical specialist. Having a comprehensive medical evaluation is highly recommended at this time.

Please consider my advice. It is imperative that you receive the proper medical and psychological evaluations. In the meantime, if you feel as though you might harm yourself, tell your parents, go to the emergency room or call 911. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Teen Feels “Different”

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 5th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 14 years old, I am female, and I have known I was different ever since I was about seven years old. When I was seven, these “voices” started talking in my head. I didn’t know any different, but what they were saying scared me. When I used to watch television and people would come on the show, the voice in my head would constantly say “I hope they die” or horrific things like, “I hope they get cancer”. I used to talk back saying “No. No I don’t. Go away, leave me alone”, and it upset me. I spent a whole year being scared and feeling terrible when the voices started talking about my mother. They still come back sometimes, and I always have to reply saying “No, i don’t” or “No, go away”. I used to have compulsions, such as tapping things that I already touched once a certain number of times (usually even numbers, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 etc), and before i was ‘allowed’ to sleep, I had to recite the alphabet (in my head) about 16+ times every night, as well as opening doors over and over again and lights. There are more compulsions but there are too many to list. These went on and off for about four years.

When I was eleven years old, I had a very bizarre and strong fear of not being able to sleep. Around new years time I could not sleep at all, and I started getting paranoid that i would never sleep again. So the compulsions came back stronger and I HAD to go to bed at the same time every night; 8:00 PM. This overtook my life, and i would be in constant fear of not being able to fall asleep. Again, these died down after about a year.

This year, (now 14 years old) the obsessions have worsened A LOT. I have been in constant worry about things that won’t happen, i have had false memories, i’ve had to constantly confess to my mother (stupid little things), I’ve had horrifying thoughts and images in my head, i am paranoid, and a lot more. I also went through a period of thinking I was a monster, the scum of the Earth (even though I would never EVER do anything like the thoughts), I was afraid I liked the images and thoughts (but I don’t, they were horrible and disturbing). I still have daily compulsions, and I have periods of being afraid of getting diseases. I also have hoarding issues (i keep everything, because i worry that i will regret getting rid of them) and I have a special order for some possessions. I’m scared writing this will trigger it all again.

I have also always felt like I was different. I have a huge imagination, and am generally curious. I create worlds in my mind, with characters, some with strange names like “No” and “9”. I sometimes get confused as to whether I am in fantasy or reality (I prefer fantasy), and I believe in magic and the paranormal a lot. Anyway, there is this wolf that follows me around and “protects” me called Fate. He controls the future and what will happen if I do certain things. He is the good friend. “No” is the bad friend. He puts the bad thoughts and images into my mind and I can sense his presence (I feel uneasy, often like I am being touched by some unseen force. I talk to them a lot, usually telling “No” to leave me alone. I don’t physically see them, but I can imagine them and sense that they are here. I believe in a lot of magical beliefs (that no one else does) including psychics, aliens, ESP, ghosts and future reading (which has happened to me before). I have some sort of paranoid personality. I am constantly scared about hidden cameras behind mirrors, people watching me or looking for me, the government listening in on me, things in outer space watching or listening to me. I was convinced there were hidden cameras in the toilets at school, and I therefore would NEVER go. I always thought people were talking and laughing about me, and people always seem to be looking at me. I don’t like mirrors because I am scared people are behind them, watching me, or they are portals into another dimension or my reflection will move when I don’t etc.

Last year, I had an extreme anxiety that people were plotting to kill or attack me, and I thought they would. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was always afraid. Some of these obsessions have interfered with school, and I have tried to tell my mother, but she said I will “grow out of it” or “seeing a psychiatrist will not help you get a job”. Please help me.

I can get very irritable sometimes. I have a low self esteem and do not really care for personal hygeine like I should. I am very shy and I talk to myself a lot. I frequently I “zone out” and forget where i am for a minute (often like you are when you first wake up). I can block out people talking and all noise when this happens and I don’t blink during this. My speak patterns are weird too; sometimes I can be very talkative and have a lot to say (not in front of strangers though), sometimes I stutter or completely miss words out of sentences and sometimes I completely forget what I was going to say. There are times when I am shy, withdrawn and “empty” and I won’t say much if anything at all.

Also, sometimes I feel extremely angry, and my moods change, one minute I am very sad, and the next minute I am happy. I don’t know if it is because I am a teenager or something else. I am also scared of attacking people, sometimes I get a sudden urge to and it scares me. (I don’t mean seriously attack them, I mean hit loved ones etc). I frequently get headaches too.

Earlier this year my obsessions were weight-related. I HAD to burn off thousands of calories each day. This became a serious compulsion and interfered with my school. I lost a lot of weight too. I also started self-harming. A voice in my head kept telling me “nobody likes you”, or “you are ugly and deserve this”. It made me feel better. It was like a release. I have stopped now though. I still have compulsions which are a part of my life now.

Is this OCD? Paranoia? Schizophrenia? Schizotypal? I’m so confused, I just want to understand myself.

I know there were more things I wanted to talk about, but I have forgotten. Please help me. Thank you very much, take care. 🙂

This is an incredibly well-written and articulate letter for someone who is only 14. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help. As detailed as your letter is, I have too many unanswered questions. There are a number of both medical and psychological illnesses that share some or all of the same symptoms. I therefore can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can only tell you what you already know: What you are reporting is not typical or considered “normal.” The thoughts and compulsions take up a lot of time and interfere with your ability to function in regular life. I imagine it’s hard to make and keep friends, to do your school work or even to develop your interests.

You didn’t mention whether you have shared any of this with your parents or your doctor. You need to. No one should have to go through days of fending off threatening voices. No one should be such a prisoner to her own compulsions that she can’t do life.

Fortunately, there is medicine and therapy that can tone all this down. But in order to get treatment, you have to be willing to see a mental health provider and to be as honest in the initial interview as you have been in your letter. In fact, a good way to start is to simply share your letter with the counselor. You did a fabulous job summarizing the issues.

Writing this letter was an important first step in getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you’ll follow up and make the next step. Ask your parents to help you find a counselor who specializes in teen issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Crying and Anger

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 18th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Often I find myself more sad than happy. I don’t feel good enough to anyone, and when I try to say it to my family of a friend they always tell me to get over it. They tell me that I think the worlds out to get me when it really isn’t and I should stop acting the way I do. Sometimes I go to my room and regret even trying to talk to them. I can’t really get my way across to my family and it’s hard to talk to anyone else because they either don’t get it and get angry with me or I overreact and burst into tears, not being able to breathe. I often cry myself to sleep and sometimes sleeping is getting difficult right now. I keep waking up every hour or so to use the bathroom and my family members who have shared a room with me say that I always toss and turn in bed and grit my teeth often.

Lately I’ve been getting angry or sad over little things. Sometime my mother or father has said usually make me cry or I start yelling. I retaliate more at my mother than my father. I have put my hands on my mother but it was just a push. Sometimes my inner thoughts about myself get to me and I think worse than it really is; if I can’t win in something I think of myself as a failure, if I do bad on a test I think I’m stupid rather than thinking the test was hard. I call myself ugly and fat 24/7 and I don’t believe when other people tell me otherwise.

My family calls me lazy and it gets me angry. I don’t really do anything during the day but sleep and being on my phone or computer. I have been going to the doctor often for my obesity. I’m only 16 and weigh 350 lbs. this discourages me so much because I feel like I’m doing everything and I have done everything to loose it but it’s not working. I have been to behavior specialists and i have taken anti-depressants but i stopped doing so last year. Also, Last year have been diagnosed with poly cystic ovarian syndrome.

You have a lot going on and not much support. Your recent medical diagnosis is most likely contributing to your emotional distress.

I’m wondering why you stopped psychological treatment? Was it not working? If one therapist is not helpful, then try another. The same is true with medication. It often takes a great deal of trial and error before you will find the right therapist and the right medication. You shouldn’t give up.

Summer might be a particularly stressful time for teenagers because there’s less structured time. When school is in session, you’re not home all day. When people have extra time, they may focus more on their problems, which in turn causes them to feel more depressed than usual.

The excessive weight is also likely contributing to your depression.

I would recommend resuming therapy and trying to find a medication that could relieve your depression. With the assistance of your parents and your pediatrician or primary care doctor, choose a therapist who specializes in behavioral weight loss. There are many good behavioral treatment specialists who can assist with weight loss.

You should also consider joining a gym or an exercise group. Try checking with your local YMCA or your school. It would ensure that you’re physically active and also get you out of the house. It would also be a nice respite from your family.

You should also consider inviting your family to participate in family therapy. It might help to address the negativity coming from your family. They may not be aware of how their negative words are affecting you. Therapy might provide a safe haven for making them aware of this problem.

Don’t be discouraged. It is a difficult time in your life but it won’t always be this way. Time will pass, you will grow and things will change. You can accelerate positive, psychological change by resuming your mental health treatment. You will be glad you did. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Do I Tell My Father My Mother is Cheating?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 25th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past two years my mom has been talking to this guy, A LOT! My dad has had his suspicion about them, but he is able to convince himself that it isn’t true and he denies it is happening. I was looking through her cell phone and saw what some of the messages were to him, and let’s just say they weren’t messages you are supposed to send to a man when you have a husband. My mom also goes on travel a lot with her “job” but I believe she is really going to see him! Plus, I eaves dropped on their conversation and she was telling him that she loved him, that she couldn’t wait to see him, and even worse, at the end of the conversation she said “I love you.” I just can not look at her the same way, I want to scream, tells someone, but I’m afraid she will lie. People will probably believe her over me, because, lately I’ve been going through some trust issues with my dad.

So, what should I do? Tell him or let them live their normal lives. I don’t know what to do… should I tell a friend and see what their advice is? Please respond when you can, this is very appreciated!

If you were in my office I could ask many questions regarding the situation but you are not.

The goal for you should be to improve the situation. Telling your father may or may not be the right thing to do. Would it lead to a divorce? What would your father do if he knew? Would a divorce be better for them? Would telling your father make the situation worse? These are all matters you should be trying to judge in this situation.

Also consider whether your father deserves honesty. What would your father do if he found out that you knew but you did not tell him?

If you believe that your father should be made aware of the affair, go to your mother with an ultimatum. Let her know that you are aware of the fact that she is involved with another man and having an affair. And that she has twenty-four hours to tell your father or you are going to tell him. She may say “okay I will tell him” and then you won’t have to. Or she may say “I just ended the affair” and then the two of you will need to decide if your father should be told or if – the affair is truly over- whether your father does not need to be made aware of the affair at this time.

I can’t be specific because I don’t know all of the specifics of your situation but I think it would be best to approach your mother with the information you have. Give her an ultimatum and hopefully the two of you will be able to find a solution that is best for the whole family.

Unfortunately, you are in the difficult position of having to essentially “referee” your parents’ relationship. It’s a challenge but keep your goal in mind; do what you can do to improve the situation and try to avoid doing anything that could make it worse.

According to Focus on the Family’s website, they “suggest that you draw a very definite line in the sand. Strong boundaries are healthy; “normalizing” brokenness is not. Let her know that you love her, but that this doesn’t necessarily mean you trust her. Remind her that she has deeply hurt everyone in the family by deciding to become involved with another man. Say something like, “I love you and care about you, but I don’t approve of this relationship.”

I wish you luck.

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My boyfriend has a baby from a past girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 8th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend of almost 2 years, who is 27 years old, has a baby with a previous girlfriend. I didn’t find out until a couple months into our relationship when his ex-girlfriend sent me a message via facebook and told me. I, completely shocked, confronted my boyfriend about it and he cried and said he hadn’t told anyone about it and didn’t know what to do. He said he was going to tell me when “the time was right” but he didn’t want to lose me. He apologized (and still does) for being selfish and that if I didn’t want to stay with him he would understand. At that point I was already completely in love with him and wanted to be with him.

That was over a year ago and we have a great relationship, although I feel like I’ve been able to deny to myself that he has a baby. The mother of his baby lives two hours away in a small, rural town. She lives off welfare and refuses to get a job. My boyfriend had been sending her as much money as he could the past two years and thought that most of it was going to day care so that the mom could be looking for a job. He works full time and is in school full time so he doesn’t have a lot of extra money. He found out from a mutual friend between them that the mother wasn’t using his money for their baby. My boyfriend got mad and told her he wouldn’t send her any more money until she got a job. My boyfriend hadn’t heard from her in months until he got papers about child support and court dates.

My boyfriend has never seen the baby and doesn’t know if he wants to be in her life. He wants the child to have a good life but doesn’t see how to make it happen. If he wants to ever be successful and make money he must finish college. He can’t afford to drive there and back to see the baby every weekend and his work schedule wouldn’t permit it anyway. He also says he doesn’t want to have an erratic relationship with his child and he feels that coming into her life now, when his life is so chaotic and up-in-the-air, may be just as damaging as not being there at all. He has a very supportive, if not traditional, family. He doesn’t want to tell them for fear of how they’ll react even though they could financially help him out.

Clearly, the right thing for the child is to be in his life. I told him I wouldn’t tell him what to do because I’m biased. I don’t want him to be in the child’s life for my own selfish reasons and don’t want to sway him either way.

So, that’s the background info. My question is: should I stay with a man who has a child? We’ve talked about getting married after grad school and all of the things we want to do but it’s all kind of clouded by the baby issue. I usually talk to my mom about my problems, but I know she would freak out (rightly so, probably) and would tell me to not stay with him, even though she really likes and respects him. I’ve been sworn to secrecy by my boyfriend anyway. I’m too embarrassed to talk to my friends or a therapist because this whole situation is so ridiculous and out of my element.

I’ve been well brought-up, and so has my boyfriend, and can’t believe I’m in a “baby momma, welfare, child support” drama. We’re both educated, loving people that are in a really messy situation. I love my boyfriend and believe that he is “the one”. And for me (a very unromantic, factual, rational person) to say that means a lot.

I’m willing to work through all of this with him…I think. I just keep going back to wondering if I’m ruining my life by staying with him? I don’t know how I feel about it and don’t know what to tell him to do. He has told me many times that he doesn’t want me to have to worry or get involved and that if I don’t stay with him he will understand, but I want to stay with him. Am I being too childish and naive or is this a situation that two rational adults can handle, if willing?

Thank you for any advice.

Thank you for writing about this difficult situation. There are several issues here that are intersecting with your question. Let me respond by trying to sort them as I see them.

First, his lack of forthrightness in not telling you about his obligations is huge. This means that the unresolved components of his life, the greatest source of conflict for the two of you and likely the greatest ongoing clash for the rest of your lives if you stay together, was not revealed for very selfish reasons. You found out the most important intimate relationship in your life was built on a lie. This was not a fair encounter. Ask yourself the question: Would you have hidden such a situation from him? This will reveal if there is a fundamental difference between the two of you. If you would have kept it secret then the two of you are cut from the same cloth. If not, you have to acknowledge the fact that he was willing to hide something from you because he knew it had the potential for making him unacceptable. You are now willing to keep secrets from those you love because you are embarrassed, and he isn’t willing to tell his family. Both of you are now keeping secrets. Add to this the fact that he didn’t tell you, and may not have. This brings up the question of his ex-girlfriend’s motivation and needs in this situation. Are you willing to deal with that? More importantly you must ask why you’d want to.

Secondly, it is clear he hasn’t dealt with this problem adequetly, and now has a legal issue. By not telling you, and not dealing with her it has gotten worse. If you stay with him these issues will become yours. Do not minimize this. This is an ongoing concern that will affect your lives in a profound way. You must ask if this is something you are willing to take on. Again, more importantly, ask yourself why you would want to.

Finally you are asking if staying with him is going to ruin your life. Is this a risk you are willing to take? You already know this will be a major financial, legal and emotional issue to cope with, and are asking if these features could mess up your life. These are his problems and they are significant. He has not dealt with them in a straightforward way, and had kept the truth of who he is from you. It seems to me he has a lot to cope with before he can be fully ready for a relationship. His primary strategy seems to be not to deal with the most important concerns in his life. So far there is little you have told me to suggest he has changed.

I would encourage you to seek some individual therapy from the university counseling center to begin coping with the decision in front of you. I am glad you reached out here to get some feedback. It is now time to reach out to a counselor to gain some clarity about your decision.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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So quiet I can’t be heard

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 24th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m not a normal person. I have no friends, and no one that I can call a friend. I’m always pushing people away from me and I can’t create any relationships, male or female. I’m a boring person. Whenever I talk to someone I respect, sometimes I pray I’m not the only person in the room with them because I have nothing interesting to say to them. But my voice is also extremely quiet too. It’s so quiet. A lot of people I’ve noticed have an audible voice when they speak normally, but when I speak normally, it’s like my voice is below an audible barrier. When I try to speak up, it’s like I’m shouting and I don’t think clearly when I shout too. That seems to turn people off. In a group situation, I can’t speak audibly at all. My voice is drowned out, and the thought of how quiet my voice sounds turns me off from saying anything at all because no one can hear me so people talk over me.

I can’t hold a normal conversation with anyone or don’t know how. I always have to either be asking them a question, agreeing with them, or challenging something they say. All my roommates that I’ve ever had can speak to everyone normally and get an “excitement” response, but when I talk it’s like dull. I can sit quietly in a room with someone for the whole day and it’s awkward. I have a “caveman ridge” on my forehead, and my eyebrows are bent, so it always looks like I’m angry even when I’m making a normal face. Maybe this turns people off because whenever I talk with anyone, the reaction I always get from their body language is that I’m not approachable.

Even the biggest, most depressed “nerds” have a step up over me because they seem to have audible voices. And I wonder why they even lack confidence, when I’m so much worse. My voice is just too quiet. I absolutely hate social networks like facebook because I have to see old high school mates that I’ve tried avoiding and I’ve spent a year doing nothing after high school so I can only imagine they’re all working now or finishing grad. school while I’m still in school doing nothing.

For my whole life I’ve never approached anyone. I’ve always had people come to me ever since I can remember. All my old friends have approached me, talked to me first, called me. I’ve never called anyone. Therefore I can’t make friends, I can’t talk to anyone. I know some people are receptive and will be friendly when I talk to them, but I can’t get myself to do it.

I used to play games all day to escape my life. I study all day now to escape all of this. I get pretty good grades, but it takes me a long time to comprehend things, I feel like I’m slow in the head. I can’t think clearly on the spot. I can’t improvise or answer questions when the professor asks anything. My life is not organized at all. I spend too much time studying on things that are so easy, and I spend a lot of time in bed, maybe that’s a sign of depression?

I know that I can and need to change things, but I can’t be able to do anything about it because there’s something holding me back. It’s like I’m not meant to live that lifestyle. My socioeconomic situation is that I was raised by a single mother, 1 brother 1 sister, in extreme poverty. No money at all. My house is messy, I’ve always been embarassed to even tell anyone where I live because I don’t want anyone coming over. I’m a very prideful person. I’m ashamed to tell anyone all about myself because I have nothing to be proud of. No accomplishment I can be proud of. I can’t even get a part time job, pass an interview.

I feel like I’m depressed and can cry. It feels like I’ll be alone for my whole life. I’ve never had a girlfriend. My mother is extremely religious and forces abstinence on us. I use that as an excuse, but in reality, what’s holding me back is myself. I can’t relate to girls. I will never have anyone to love me. Part of that is because I don’t want to inconvenience anyone. What makes me special? Why would someone want to live with me or be my mate? It’s like a trap I’m setting, if you become my mate you’re trapped.

I’ve been thinking about this for months and these are the things I’ve gathered about myself.

You’re right. What you are describing goes beyond shyness. Somewhere along the line you lost your voice. This can happen for a wide variety of reasons. Sometimes people are silenced by a traumatic experience; sometimes it’s a family style; sometimes it’s a symptom of depression; sometimes it’s a characteristic of Aspergers or some other syndrome. Without meeting you, I can’t help you sort it out.

Fortunately, there are people who can. You made a terrific start on the journey to healing by writing your letter. I suggest you set up an appointment with a mental health counselor and bring your letter. That way, you won’t have to talk to get started. A counselor will not only help you figure out what is wrong but will also help you set goals for change and support you while you work on them.

I did a web search of your city and was pleased to find that there are many clinics and services there. Please don’t worry about how you’ll come off when making that first contact. People who answer the phone at agencies are very used to people being a bit awkward or hesitant when they first call. You are only 22. Find the courage to take charge of this situation now and you could live your entire life much, much differently.

Your letter shows that you are thoughtful, smart, and insightful. You will probably do well in therapy once you get started.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Get Angry Easily and Cry a lot

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 14th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I dont know if I have a problem or not but I want to make sure. I get angry easily and snap at my sister or mom a lot. And I always end up feeling guilty. I can’t control myself sometimes. Several times I’ve punched walls and messed up my hand or put a whole in the wall. I usually do this when I’m alone. I never seem to be in control with my emotions. I always end up crying at night and fall asleep like that. I always thought it was around my period but frequently it’s all the time.

I’m stressing out about college because (even though my sister is in college) she isnt really helping me out. I always look up to her for advice but recently I haven’t been able to trust her. My cousin, who I was close with until some previous problems occurred, it’s of much help with college even though we’re going to the same community college. She always assumes something bad of me. I feel like a failure because I have no idea what I’m doing in college and what I want to study. I feel like this because my sister has everything figured out. And every time someone brings up about school I get mad and irritable but now it’s about every mistake I make.

I can’t ever seem to control what comes out of my mouth an end up getting my sister mad and she disputes with me and gets me even more angrier. I spoke to my mon and found out she is taking medication for anger and it’s starting to worry me. Do I have the probability of having bipolar issues or am I depressed? I have no idea what to do and I don’t want others to know I’m struggling mentally. I’m afraid that next time I get really angry I will end up hurting someone physically. Because several times in the past when I would punch walls I would only see darkness and let myself succum to my anger. But afterwards I’d feel horrible.

Thank you for writing. The first thing to do is to get a complete medical checkup. Sometimes the emotional ups and downs that you are reporting have a physical cause. Make sure you check it out before you decide that this is all in your head and start worrying about a mental health diagnosis.

Having said that, I do have another idea. Sometimes our inner self is wiser than we give it credit for. It just may be that your emotionality is a way you are telling yourself that you are simply not interested in college at this time. I want you to know you’re not alone in this. Many recent high school grads have no idea what they want to study or why they are headed to college. Everyone they knew just kind of assumed that of course they were going and they went with what felt like an inevitability. Often these are the kids who drop out. If they do complete the four years, they often aren’t happy with the major or the career they ended up with.

I think you should take a step off the conveyor belt that is taking you to college and really think about what you want to do. It’s not a crime to go your own way. It’s only wise to take time out to figure yourself out. There are progams called “Gap Year” that are intended for teens just like you. Search the web and you’ll see all kinds of interesting ways to make a contribution in the world and to expand your own horizons. I wrote a couple of articles for Psych Central that address this issue because I was getting many letters like yours. Click the links to take a look.

Are You Ready for College? Alternatives for the Unsure

Ready or Not: Immature but Headed to College

You are your own person. You are not your sister. You are not your cousin. Taking more time before choosing a path toward your future is only smart. College costs a great deal of money and time. You want to be sure that it is necessary and that you are motivated to do the work before you pack your bags to go.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I think the world is out to get me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 16th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m going to give some background information so that you can understand my history and where I’m coming from.

8 years ago my mom passed away, I was 12 years old at the time.

My father re-married 2 years later and we began to have problems. I was treated unfairly because of my stepmother and her much older children. My father was made to believe lies about me, and our relationship crumbled in a matter of months. My step-mom & stepbrother had read my diary; being that my dad didn’t speak English they told him lies about what was in it. My dad sent me away for several months, and eventually I was allowed to come home after he discovered that my step-mom had lied about the contents of my diary. Problems continued at home, mostly due to situations being manipulated against me. Any little chance they had to hurt my relationship with my dad they took it. I was made out to be a horrible daughter and eventually got kicked out of the house again. I was allowed to come home again after a while, but problems continued over insignificant things. When I entered high school I was isolated from the world. I wasn’t allowed to have friends, speak to anyone, and go anywhere. Eventually I ended up in the hospital because I hurt myself, and was later diagnosed with depression and received therapy. I overcame my depression ONLY after moving out and getting away from the negativity at home.

Since then I’ve noticed I am extremely sensitive. I feel as though everything is an attack. I always feel like people are out to get me. I’m always on the defense. Little things will set me off. If I feel threatened I get extremely angry and I will lash out. Even though sometimes there’s nothing to be upset about. I find myself overreacting to any little comment but I only realize it until afterwards. I can’t take criticism even if it’s for my own good. I think it has a lot to do with me always having to watch my self at my dad’s house. It’s unfortunately taking a toll on my marriage because I often get angry with my husband over insignificant things. Any little comment will bring up an argument because I automatically feel as though he’s purposefully trying to attack me.

What can I do to get over this? I’m scared this is going to hurt my marriage. I don’t know how to understand that he’s not trying to hurt me or bash my feelings and opinions. I need to learn how to understand that neither my husband nor the world is out to get me.

Thank you for explaining the background and asking for some direction about your condition. From what you have described your current situation makes sense because of your past experiences. Let’s see if we can sort it out.

People that should have been there to comfort, love and guide you betrayed you. This means that trust and betrayal has played a large part in your life experience. Your mom’s passing when you were so young may have begun the concern that people you love may not be there for you. Your father’s remarrying, and the behavior of your stepmother and stepsiblings were all contributing factors. Your father not coming to your aid during this time was a huge disappointment. Essentially every person you should have been able to rely on betrayed your trust.

When this happens early in life it colors our perspective of the world. Imagine having a piece of dark gray glass that you are holding up in front of your eyes. Everything you will see through that glass will look gray. The gray glass is your earlier experiences and they are tinting everything else. The work is to recognize that not everything is that color. If you move the piece of glass from in front of your eyes you will see that the world can look very different. The gray tint is still there, but it doesn’t have to color all that you see.

I would recommend two things. First, some individual therapy to sort through the dynamics of the history of betrayals in your life would be in order. You obviously have a very good start on understanding this, but working with a therapist will accelerate the process. The find help tab at the top will give you some referrals in your area.

Secondly, I would do one of two things. I would have some brief couples therapy so you and your husband can deal effectively with each other around these issues. Or, alternately, if your work with the individual therapist is productive you can ask the therapist if inviting your husband in for a session or two would be possible. Often a brief information session for spouses can relieve the struggle.

I admire your resilience and desire for growth and positive change.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Afraid of Middle-Aged Men

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 27th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Back story of my problem. When I was a child my step-father molested me. Since then, I have this irrational fear of white middle-aged men that are bigger than me. As soon as they grow elderly and feeble that fear dissipates, and up until they are middle-aged (under 40-ish) they are awesome. For the longest time I ignored my phobia, realizing that it was silly to fear every white middle aged man that crossed my path. I also know rationally that not every middle aged man is out to get me. So here is my problem today.

My fiance’s boss and a lot of his co-workers hug me when I drop by or run into them at company events. Usually, I get an uncomfortable lurch in my stomach, but I will it away and try to be nice. I’ve been doing this for about three years. One day I couldn’t ignore the feelings any longer and then I couldn’t stop thinking about them. My punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago I guess. Suddenly it’s become something that I can’t handle anymore, but they always hug me and I can’t just tell them not to. They will think that I hate them or that they’ve done something wrong.

The only way to stop them from thinking that way is to open up about the molestation (which I don’t want to do with them), and that would lead to them being insulted by me comparing my experience with a child molester to them. Or, they understand and stare at me like I’m some fragile nutcase for the rest of my existence. Not something I want. Also, this is all kind of out of the blue for them. I haven’t had an issue with it in their eyes for 3 years. I can’t just say, “Nope sorry, can’t hug me anymore. It makes me feel sick.” So… I’ve been avoiding them. Which they are starting to wise up to. How do I get over this fear? I don’t know what to do. I’ve opened up to people about being molested, and I’m fairly open about what happened to me if asked directly, but I don’t believe this is appropriate to open up to my fiance’s boss about. Is there anything I can try to do that will help me confront and get over this craziness I’m feeling?

You don’t have an “irrational” fear. You had a terrible experience. Memories of that experience are being triggered by men who remind you of the perpetrator when they get physically close. This is very common and nothing to be ashamed of.

You are wise not to share your history with your fiance’s colleagues. It’s not their business and it could be awkward all around. I hope your fiance can provide you with some extra support when you are with his coworkers. it’s absolutely apropriate for you to draw some boundaries around your personal space. However, as you pointed out, after three years it’s difficult to change things with this particular group without an explanation. But you can certainly be more assertive about who you will accept hugs from in the future.

The other solution to your current situation is to get into some therapy to help you separate the present from the past. I don’t see this as a “punishment for not dealing with it 15 years ago.” Instead, I hope you see it as an opportunity to put an ugly event behind you now that you are older, stronger, and able to make effective use of treatment. I expect it’s terrible to feel like your stepfather still has any power over you. You don’t want what he did to determine how you react to other people who are only being warm and welcoming, not abusive. Therapy can help you regain your sense of personal choice and power.

At only 25, you have a lot of life ahead of you. I hope you will get the help you need to have a life free from this kind of fear.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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At Relationship Crossroads

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 4th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 23 years old and have been with my boyfriend since I was 16. We have a lot in common as far as morals, values, families, etc. However, we do not necessarily have common “interests” and not many mutual friends, but then again… my interests are very girly and his are very masculine. We fit well together and I know he is very trustworthy, loyal, and would be an amazing father and husband for the rest of my life. I love him very much and can’t bear the thought of hurting him and our families by breaking up with him… BUT!

I have had an emotional affair for a few months with a guy who is complete opposite of my boyfriend. He is adventurous, exciting, passionate, motivated, and has a really fun group of friends that I love hanging out with. I have had crushes on other men while in my relationship, but I believe I am in love with this person. We could talk forever and never run out of things to discuss. We do not have all the same opinions, but we challenge each other. He makes me want to live my life more and try new things. He excites me so much, and I know every day would be an adventure. He wants me to leave my boyfriend and be with him. We have tried to cut things off a couple of times when I said I couldn’t leave my boyfriend, but we always end up back in contact and at square 1. (We talk on the phone, text, email, facebook, in person alone and also with friends. We are very physically attracted to each other also)

One problem is: I don’t think he has a stable view of love. Although he is years older than me, he romanticizes a lot of things. He thinks that you should be “in love” with your partner, rather than just loving your partner. He thinks I am “the one” but what if one day he realizes I am not as perfect as he thinks? Will he leave me because I am not “the one”? Will his adventurous spirit not be a good thing for a husband? He travels a lot for fun and if I can’t go, he would still go I’m sure. My bf would do anything for me and is used to making compromises; I’m not sure if this guy is used to that. Also, does the fact that he tried to “steal” me from my bf mean that he is not a moral person??? Could I really trust him?

Make no mistake, having an emotional affair is a form of cheating. In many ways, having an emotional affair is more serious and more damaging than having a sexual affair. The emotional relationship that you have developed is quite strong. In fact, you are “in love” and on the verge of ending your current relationship. It’s evidence that emotional affairs are not harmless, not innocent, not benign.

I’m sure that you didn’t intend to fall in love with a different person. I’m sure that you never intended to hurt your current boyfriend. It is normal to get to know or to date a number of people before choosing one to marry. Perhaps, you are doing that right now — looking for the right one. That’s okay but you need to tell your current boyfriend and both of you can then decide what to do.

You may want to consider working through this dilemma with the assistance of a therapist. If you choose that route, consider examining the morality of continuing dual relationships. It’s okay and even healthy to be choosy about whom you want to marry but it’s not okay to carry on two love relationships. Continuing to engage in this emotional affair is unfair to your current boyfriend. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed But No One Hears Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 7th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past 3 years I have been depressed and I have no one to talk to about it. I can’t talk to my family because they won’t understand and they never listen regardless of how important it is and my friends, well they give me the same advice “it’s going to be okay” which I no longer find comforting anymore.

I feel like a burden to them. Sometimes when i talk about how i am feeling they push it away. I am a closed off person, I don’t tell people much and when I do talk about things, I am never heard. I have asked for help many times and I have received nothing.

I think about suicide a lot but I have not made any attempts and I tried talking about it but I feel as if no one cares. I feel alone in this fight that I have with myself. I don’t know how to cope with it. I try my best to keep busy but it doesn’t always help.

I want to go to therapy but I am financially unstable so therapy isn’t an option. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to be unhappy anymore and I am scared that it’s going to get worse then it already is. Please help….

Thank you.

I’m sorry your life has been so unpleasant. It can be difficult to feel alone and that no one understands your problems. Your question reminds me of a Carl Jung quote regarding loneliness and isolation: “Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself…”

I think this quote underscores the way you may be feeling. You are depressed and attempting to communicate that to those around you who don’t seem to understand what you are going through.

Your friends and family may not know how to help you. They may want to assist you but aren’t sure how. It’s also possible that they are minimizing your depression. One reason for this may be denial. They may also be hoping it is a “phase” or that your depression will resolve itself on its own.

I understand that you feel like your situation will not improve. People with depression often feel this way. Pessimism about the future is a symptom of depression. Your negative outlook on the future may be an understandable reaction in light of your depression but it is not likely an accurate perception of reality. Life has ups and downs. There will be difficult times but there will also be happier times. You are focused on the negative and ruling out the possibility of a positive, happy future.

I am reminded of the New York Times article about suicide. I reference this article frequently because I believe it contains many important insights into depression and suicide. One of the particularly salient points of the article is that many of the people who attempted suicide and survived are thankful they did not die. They realized that life can be difficult but that it also can improve. Many were able to receive help and never thought about suicide again.

If you have health insurance you most likely can afford psychotherapy treatment. Many health insurance companies will pay for at least 20 psychotherapy appointments a year. Most health insurance companies require a co-pay for each visit which can vary depending on your insurance carrier. If you do not have insurance then another option is a community mental health center. Community mental health centers offer free or low-cost services to individuals who cannot afford treatment. You can usually find the telephone number to your local community mental health center in the Yellow Pages or in the white pages of the phone book. If you are a college student you could utilize the university counseling center which offers free services to their students. You could also speak to your primary care physician who may know of free or low-cost services. Your primary care doctor may also be able to prescribe you an antidepressant medication. Medicine might help to ease your depression in the interim while you search for affordable psychotherapy.

I would strongly encourage you to explore the abovementioned treatment options. If you fear that you may harm yourself then go directly to an emergency room.

Please realize that there is help available. Thank you for your question. I wish you well.

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Want to Help Depressed Mom, but How?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 2nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

First of all thank you very much for taking your time in reading my problems…
My mom is the most important person in my life, she is the one that i most admire and adore. The thing is that latley she is being extremley aggresive to me verbally and i am too. She lost my father years ago, and she is in a wheelchair…so i kind of understand why she is so depressed and upset, she has had a rough and hard life. The thing is that we fight ALOT, more than you could imagine. We cant have one simple conversation without getting into a fight. Sometimes its my faul for being a stupid teenager, but sometimes she is really really aggresive. She has said things to me that is hard for me to forget. Whenever she is ill, she blames me for it. She complains ALL day long, she curses a LOT, she is always thinking negativley and blaming me for many things. On the other side, i get very rude too…sometimes when shes nice, i am the one picking up a fight. I can be very rude to her and i am always yelling at her. I dont understand why i do this, i thought that maybe it had to do with me being upset at her for loosing her beautiful attitude she had. I know she is the most amazing woman ever, but still nowadays i dont recognize her or me. I really dont know what to do. Whenever we fight i come back instantly asking for forgivness, but she is NEVER satisfied with my apologies or my attitude when i change, so i go back into doing the same. She has never apologized to me (i ALWAYS have the fault of EVERYTHING)…and this is getting really bad and ugly…most of all very hard. I cant be fine without her, she is the person that i love the most and i dont understand what is going on right now. I think i may hold some things against her that i cant let go, like maybe some of the words she has used when shes upset…or looking at her so depressed made me mad because i know she is better than that. I dont know how to help her overcome her depression either…she doesnt accept help, from anyone. Please PLEASE im begging you for help or advice, this is driving me crazy, i cant spend one more day listening to bad words and complaints and negative things and fights and insults. I just cant…

Thank you and sorry to bother!

You are not a bother. Doing what we can to help is what this service is for.

It sounds to me like you’re right. Your mother is suffering from depression. The blaming and criticizing and cursing isn’t really about you. It’s about her frustration and emotional pain. She has reason to be depressed and irritable. She has lost her partner and her health. She is probably more dependent than she ever imagined she would be. After years of maintaining a positive attitude, she’s exhausted. That doesn’t make it okay for her to be critical and rude to you. But maybe it helps you to be reminded that she is tired, not terrible.

At 19, you are in a position to be helpful. Part of moving into adulthood is to see parents as people and to shift from being a needy child to being a supportive adult. Right now, you are the one who can change your relationship. Your mother can’t. She’s too locked into her depression. The first step is to stop trying to change her. You can’t. The only person you can change is you. If you do, it is likely she will eventually start to shift as well.

A person can only be in an argument if the other person argues. It’s time for you to stop. If your mother says something hurtful, just say something like “I’m sorry you feel that way” and excuse yourself. If she blames you, don’t get defensive. Remember it’s not about you. Just say something like, “I know. Things are hard.” Find out what resources are available to provide her with counseling and some practical help and offer her the information. If she pushes it away, just leave the information where she can access it. Don’t insist on it. Don’t be pushy. Just tell her you love her and want better for her.

Do reassure her of your love and admiration regularly. Just don’t get hooked into debates. Bring her water. Offer to do her hair or polish her nails. As soon as she goes negative, say something like “I guess you’re too tired. I’ll come back later when you feel better.” No sarcasm, please. Smile. Give her a kiss and leave. Check back in after an hour or so to try again.

Meanwhile: It’s time for you to get on with your adult life. You didn’t mention whether you have a job. I hope so. If that’s not possible, start volunteering at something meaningful to get you out of the house and to build your resume. Join an activity where there are other young people who share your interests. Your mother can’t offer you a whole lot of support right now so you need friends who can.

Right now, the only “person” who is winning in your home is Mr. Depression. Don’t let that continue. Kick him out the door and resolve to bring back the beautiful attitude your mother once provided. Once there is more love and light in your relationship, your mother may be more willing to accept the help she needs.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Relationship Way out of Balance

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 12th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Since more than a year I am in a long distance relationship with a man who I is controlling and emotionally abusive. I started to realize this only recently but since the beginning I found myself feeling more and more stressed and afraid to do something wrong and I start to feel less and less confident about myself. He is criticing me constantly and I have to be extremely careful with what I say or else he will stop talking to me (or hang up the phone) or get angry. Often I don’t even know what sets him off and I never find out because he refuses to speak to me. Now I do a lot of effort to go and vizit him which costs me a lot of money and time (a full day of traveling). Recently he had to be near where I live for his job (30 minutes away from me by train) and he did NOT want to come to me and stay over at my place. Instead he staid in a hotel soooo near and he also did not want me to go vizit him. We were sending text messages back and forward about this, but he never could tell me why he did not want to come or let me go to him. At one point in time he even asked me to give him permission to just go out that evening and so not see me. I couldn’t believe he would ask me for persission like I would be his nanny or guard or something, I just wanted him to come to me and wanting to be with me too. He even broke up with me over text message then, but the next day he said he didn’t mean it and so we are still together. Now my problem is that I just can’t seem to forget it. You must understand that we are normally so far away and that we have to travel far in order to see each other. I also realize it is me who’s doing most efforts to go and vizit him rather than the other way around, but i don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about me, he seems to really want us to stay together and is even thinking about moving to my country for me, but then how can I make sense of it? I can’t seem to be able to get over this without understanding it, but I don’t know how I can talk with him about it, because I know we will either have a huge conflict about it or he will just go silent on me again and then I will still not know why he did this. Is there any way I could get over this and should or should I not try to discuss it with him and if so how can I bring it up in a way that might not trigger his anger or silent mood? This is very important to me because I keep thinking about what this could mean and how it is possible he did this if he loves me. I just wish I could understand so I can find closure on it.

Please ask yourself: Is this really better than being alone for awhile? You’re in your 30s. You are a mature, interesting, and sensitive woman. There are men out there who would be thrilled to have you in their life and who would move the moon and the stars to be with you. Why do you want to even try with a man who can’t make the effort to come by when he is 30 minutes away? More alarming to me is that he creates a big drama when you try to talk to him about things he does that are less than wonderful. Don’t believe his words. His actions have told you quite clearly what you need to know.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Unsure What’s Wrong with Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 12th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi. This is a hard for me to write. I’m paranoid that my parents will see it somehow and figure out that it is I. I’m goon to take the risk. First of all, I have been dealing with my problem for a while. I don’t know what to do. I have a lot of the symptoms of OCD. But I don’t know who to talk to. I over think everything. I have trouble being relaxed because I am so uptight. I am afraid of so many things, many irrelevant things. I can’t go in the bathroom without checking to make sure there isn’t an attacker in the shower, behind the curtain. I can’t go to sleep without checking my closet for an attacker. Also, I have to get everything perfect. To me, I’m not good enough. I freak out all of the time because I always think I’m contracting a deathly disease when I’m not. I get jealous of everything. I am also the type that has to ask people a million times if I’m doing something right. Teachers, coaches, etc. Sometimes I snap at people all of the sudden, for close to no reason. I don’t know what to do. I have thoughts of violent things, and then I feel guilty about them. I go on tangents of sadness. I freak out about things like the end of the world. I have been bullied a bit in the past, and I have had self-esteem issues, but I think I’m on my way above that. My parents would never believe that I have problems, because my sister has had problems of her own. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I cry at least once or twice a week. I can’t be in the dark too long without freaking out. If I feel like I am in a dangerous situation, I shake, breath heavily, and I can’t talk, I would be choked up. I scared to tell people everything. In fact, I can’t get myself to write everything on here. I don’t feel safe. I have tried to tell someone how I felt, and I had to stop because I got too choked up. I am not the type of person people expect to have problems. I get straight As, I have a good family and home, and I’m involved in sports. I’m afraid people will tell me I am overreacting and being dramatic.

I am very glad you are writing us and asking your question. I believe the kind of anxiety you are struggling with as a freshman in high school is important to manage sooner rather than later. This way you can learn the coping skills needed to feel better as you move through school.

I would bring these concerns to the school counselor. You are obviously a good student, and the school counselor will be able to help you bring some of these anxieties under control. The first thing to do is talk about it with someone you trust. This is difficult, but you have taken the first step writing us here, now bring your concerns to the people who can help you deal with this directly.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Can’t Stop Picking at Skin

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I don’t know why i pick my skin but i pick on it so much that i have scars and wounds that i tell my self my makeup covers. I have been having this problem since 6th grade when i first got pimples. At fist it was just once a month then it got worse. During 8th grade i picked EVERY SINGLE DAY. This year even though it might not seem possible it got a lot worse.I squeeze things that are nonexistent, acne (which i caused myself). Its not only my face its now on my back arms shoulders chest and i pick there too. Its s bad that when i go in public with a sleeveless shirt or no makeup i’m stared at like i killed people, or laughed at or just ashamed of. the strange part is i still do it every day. It somehow satisfies me. I’ve tried to stop by cutting my nails, painting them, wearing makeup, hiding from the mirror but that doesn’t work. This might sound really gross…but i have to be honest to stop picking so often i don’t brush my teeth or wash my face often to avoid the bathroom. I only wash my face and brush my teeth once a day and that’s terrible. Its getting out of hand specially since i’m only 15. How can i stop a problem that has been building up for 4 years.

Thank you for writing. It takes courage to admit that something has gotten out of hand like this. First, know you are not alone. Skin picking, like nail biting and hair pulling, is more common than you might think. It is a hard habit to break because it relieves anxiety or boredom or even fear. It gives you relief from one problem (an emotion) but then causes another one (damaged skin).

Some experts think it is a function of an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Others think it is part of body dysmorphic disorder. Still others think it is a behavior that is self-rewarding because it relieves some kind of stress or arousal. Whatever the cause, as you’ve already discovered, when it is left untreated, it gets worse and starts to limit a person’s life. The self-consciousness and shame make it harder and harder to want to leave the house.

So — it’s time to get it treated. You didn’t mention what your folks think about your habit. If you’ve managed to keep it from them, it’s time to have a serious talk with them. You are going to need your parents’ help to access treatment and to support you in managing the treatment you choose. A place to start would be with a psychiatrist who specializes in treating teens. There are medications that can help you manage the anxiety that may be at the root of the problem. Another option is to see a counselor who is trained in cognitive behavioral therapy to help you learn how to manage your feelings and interrupt the picking. Often a combination of medication and therapy is the key.

Your parents and siblings need to be in on the treatment. Nagging you, scolding or embarrassing you will not help. The people who love you need to learn what you uniquely need in the way of support.

You made an important first step by writing. Now take the next one. Ask your parents to help you get treatment. If you think you’ll have trouble explaining your problem to them, just show them your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is There a Way to Become More Stable?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 28th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello! I really need to discuss this and I hope psychological help will relieve my issues in this situation. To get to the point, I have a friend who I really care about, a limerence towards him you can say or maybe more though I really despise saying it’s love and I rather not since it’s something I want to avoid, falling in love. My friend, Lets call him Ben, my friend Ben, I’ve known him since last year on 2012 September, I was really interested in him and developed feelings for him because he was just so realistic on topics that i never thought about, his logical atmosphere and his childish ways just won my heart on October of 2012 I think. I admitted my feelings for him on 2013 on March but the worst part was he gave me no definite answers towards his feelings towards me, not a yes or no, just that hes not interested in dating anyone, I wasn’t interested in dating anyone either, I just could not keep those feelings for him in secret any longer. I’ve tried ways to stop my feelings for him like avoiding him, talking less with him, frankly it only made the situation worse. I would cry at the fact that my emotions were becoming so foolish because I want to talk to him like a friend but I become afraid of what I would say and incredibly nervous around him. I admit we do chat one in awhile but I feel empty sometimes because I know I can do much better but I blank out on it. This year, when I barely started school this year, I could barely utter any words to him except hi because I blank out on what I want to say to him and I get nervous, I feel as though I hate him so much for the way he makes me feel, the way he talks, he gave me a new mindset and I don’t know what to do. I really care about him, I really do, I just want these feelings to go away, I know I will never have a chance with him and I know a friend of mine likes him a lot too. What should I do? I need emotional help. Ben. I sometimes feel like he hates me because I won’t talk to him directly and I understand that, I am coward for not attempting and I really need help. Ever since I was little I had trouble keeping conversations going and pretty shy towards anyone. I love all my friends dearly and yet I feel so needy around them, like everything I do is a mistake and I get emotional easily, sometimes I feel left out but I kinda stopped caring about it so much and started being much more independent. I need help and I hope you can help me with Ben, I feel like I’m falling apart because I can’t be normal around him. It gets worse the more days that pass by, I miss him extremely and yet I’m scared of having a conversation with him.

I appreciate your letter because I can hear the ambivalence and frustration in trying to communicate your thoughts and feelings.

However, Ben isn’t making you feel anything at all. You are interpreting his reaction in a way that’s causing you to react. This is an important distinction. You get to choose how you respond to him, and it seems as if your thoughts and feelings get gummed up with him on a regular basis.

Because of this I would recommend you take the time to write all your thoughts and feelings down on a sheet of paper that you are not going to share with anyone else. Writing has the ability to help us organize our thoughts as we express them.

After this I would craft a very brief letter describing your feelings for Ben, and then decide if you want to share this letter with him.

It may be that expressing your feelings and writing is better than trying to do them face-to-face.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Son’s Absentee Father Causing Distress

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 25th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m a single mother and my son is 13 years old. His father and I broke up when my son was 4 years old. Since then my ex has come in and out of my sons life. He does not help me support him and he has a lot of issues. He makes my son broken promises and continues to disappoint him. I have always allowed him to be in contact with my son because i did not want to be the reason he did not talk to him. He goes months without calling him and then pops back into the picture. It hurts me to see what my sons goes through. Sometimes i take it out on my son and i know that i shouldn’t. A part of me wishes my son would stick up for himself and not allow this to happen but he does not. How should i go about handling this situation. My ex tells my son lots of excuses which pisses me off and then Im the one taking it out on my son with being angry or upset. Please help

You are doing fine until you get to the part where you take it out on your boy. You’re right. He doesn’t deserve it. He is mistreated enough by one parent. He doesn’t need to be mistreated by his mom as well. You know your problem isn’t with the boy. It’s with your ex.

The answer to your question is in two parts:
For you: Find a therapist to talk to about how to manage your anger so you don’t hurt your son. You certainly have plenty to be angry about. You need to learn how to focus it. You might even be able to engage your ex in couples work for the sake of your son. If he refuses to come, therapy will give you an important place to figure out the best way to manage the situation.

For your son: It’s fortunate that the extent of his dad’s mistreatment is broken promises. As painful as it is to watch, he has to deal with his own relationship with his father. Your son will figure out for himself that his father isn’t trustworthy. Don’t say anything negative about his dad. That puts him in a loyalty bind. Instead, offer him your support. That means listening to his distress without jumping in to try to fix it. It means comforting him by telling him he is a lovable kid and by reminding him that there are lots of other people who love him. It means not trying to solve the problem but instead letting him know you have confidence in his ability to make the right decisions for himself about how he wants to respond to his dad. At 13, you can’t protect him as you once could. He is on the brink of adolescence. He needs your vote of confidence.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

If you have raised your son with good values about how to treat people, you can count on those values coming through.

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