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Compulsive Lying and I Can’t Stop

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 8th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been diagnosed with depression but, lately I have come to realize I have many more problems, that I didn’t even realize till the other day..I am a compulsive liar. I will lie about anything, even simple things for no reason. Sometimes I won’t even realize that I have lied until later on. And now looking back in my life I have always done it. It’s like an addiction. I can’t stop no matter how hard I try. I will lie about the stupidest, pointless things..for absolutely no reason.

So, about 2 days ago my husband looked up compulsive lying disorder and it sounds just like me. Then I saw that it is usually a symptom combined with borderline personality disorder. I have extreme mood swings. I can be fine one moment and screaming and crying (a lot of the time I won’t even remember what I said or did) the next. Anyways I was reading the symptoms to borderline personality and I have every symptom listed. I don’t know what to do and I feel that if I go to the Dr. They will say it’s something else. I’m so confused and my marriage is crumbling because of my actions. I’ve lied, cheated, and destroyed my marriage. At times I want to be with my husband and at other times I don’t..at all.

I feel like I’m split in half. I have severe troubles with making decisions all the time. But, I need to make the biggest one (whether I want my marriage or not) and I can’t seem to choose. And I have completely destoryed my husbands trust. Please help me!

I find two things very encouraging about your letter: one is that you recognize you have a problem with compulsive lying, the other is you want help with it. There are some people who lie and have no desire to change. For them, lying is a way of life. It is something they do on purpose because they are trying to project a certain image. With few exceptions, many of those individuals are not able to be helped. Usually that is because they have no desire to be helped. They would not want to see a therapist, and feel that they have no reason to change. That is not the case with you. You want help. You want to change. You don’t like how the lying has negatively impacted your life and the lives of others. You have lived with its consequences and you are tired of it. It is a burden for you, not something that you use to further yourself in life. From my perspective, there is hope for you.

You say that you cannot stop lying. You may not be able to help yourself but a therapist could. The therapist could also help you with the other issues you are experiencing such as your extreme mood swings and your marital problems. Borderline personality disorder is treatable but it requires hard work and a dedication to improving your life.

One interesting aspect of your letter is that you feel as though you are “split in half.” Some research has shown that individuals who have difficulty with compulsive lying have described a similar feeling. The good news about the research is that it shows that lying is a problem that can be dealt with in therapy. That is very encouraging.

Here’s a link to a website where you may be able to find a therapist in your community. I hope that you will strongly consider therapy because it can help you. You are worried that a doctor will not believe that you have borderline personality disorder. That fear may be unrealistic. What matters most is that you find mental health professionals who are able to help you solve the problems in your life. The first step is making the call for an appointment. That should be your next step. I wish you well and hope that you are able to find the help you need and deserve. Thanks for writing.

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Dad Verbally Abuses Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 28th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My dad is verbally abusive to my mom. They have been married for 30 years. When they got married, he prevented her from continuing her education and made her become a housewife. He’s always belittling her and crushing her self-esteem with criticism. He puts an emphasis on how simple minded she is (which she isn’t). Years of abuse, however, have lead to her believe that she is and sometimes it shows through her low self-esteem and insecurities. A couple years ago he used to beat her but now he’s stopped, he just verbally abuses her. He used to cheat on her all the time and whenever she mentioned it he would go crazy and hit her. He always tries to find things for her to do for him, and if she refuses he gets really angry and starts yelling at the top of his lungs. She’s like his slave, doing things for him night and day. He gets irritated by everything that she does and constantly yells at her. Throughout this abuse, my mom still manages to put a smile on her face whenever she sees my brother and I so that we don’t hurt and always tells us to be kind to my dad because he’s had a rough life. He ran away from home at the age of 18 and started from zero. He struggled throughout most of his life and among the many terrible things he’s been through, he’s even slept at graveyards because he had no other place to sleep. He’s been through A LOT. He’s also very harsh on my brother and I, always criticizing us and yelling at us. I understand that he’s had a very rough life and sympathize with him, however, I am very worried about my mom. I don’t want anything to happen to her, I don’t want for my dad to abuse her anymore. Whenever he fights with my mom, he ends up regretting it later and tries to make up for it by being nice to her. What can I do to help my dad stop this abuse? Does he have a mental disorder?

A: I’m so, so sorry your family has been dealing with this for so long. I understand that your dad had a tough life. But that doesn’t excuse him from making a tough life for the people he loves. It’s long past time for him to deal with his demons and to make the family he wishes he’d had instead of repeating the one he did have.

What you are describing is domestic violence. Your mother needs help freeing herself from the perpetual cycle of abuse – sweet making up – abuse – making up that is typical of this type of marriage. Fortunately, there is a program in your city that can help all of you. It’s called Becky’s House. Please call the 24-hour emergency hotline at 619-234-3164 or email [email protected] to get information about the services available.

If you used a home computer to contact me, please delete your email and this message. It’s not unusual for men who behave like your dad to fly into a rage when they discover that someone in the family is looking for help. Use the library or a friend’s computer to investigate services.

Then do everything you can to encourage your mom to get help for herself and her family, including your dad. If they love each other, they could still create some good years together that are not shadowed by verbal and physical abuse.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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Tension Between Family and My Life

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 17th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I really need an outside source to hear my side of the story and hear how I feel. I have known this guy for a long time, but we only recently started admitting feelings for each other, so now we have been exclusive for over 2 months. I know that is not very long, but we have already been through more together than I have in my whole life. The basics of him and me are, we are both 18, we are young; we go out and have a good time. He is white, but he has a little black in him as well. My family is very traditional and wants me to date a white/Italian male only. So that was red flag number one. Number two, was that he is known to smoke a lot of weed and my dad is strongly against that. The third thing is that recently I found him after he had hung himself in woods out by where we were hanging out after a large fight by our group of friends. He was drunk, actually blew a 1.2 in the Breathalyzer. So my family is very scared for me to be with him now. But Tyler has gotten help since then, and I strongly feel that he is going to get better. I am very happy with him, and I want to help him work out these problems he has. My dad expects me to leave him within the next month, and I just can’t. I can see Tyler and I going somewhere and having a future together, and I am just not aloud. He has been nothing but good to me, aside from the suicide incident. I saved his life, and I feel that he needs me. And I will not leave him in his time of need, nor do I want to. I care about him a lot, what should I do? I really need help, and I need Tyler and I to work. My dad is having me choose either him or my boyfriend, and it isn’t fair to choose between the two important men in my life.

Thank you for asking your important question. The fact that your boyfriend tried to hang himself means that there has been something unresolved in him for a while. That kind of drastic action doesn’t spring up overnight.

While I applaud you being so loyal and resilient, I also think it is important to keep developing yourself. What I mean by this is that the heavy use of weed, the heavy use of alcohol, and the suicide attempt are extremely serious issues that you cannot fix. He needs a lot of support and therapy and rehabilitation for him to turn a corner. I realize what I am about to say will sound lame, but I am going to say it anyway because it is the truth. Your boyfriend can’t be your whole life. You may want to have him in your life and be his friend –or even girlfriend, but keeping him sober, drug-free and alive can’t be your mission. When someone is as involved as he is in his issues, people close to them go into orbit around them. Don’t become one of the satellites. Be sure to keep your friends, your goals and dream and your self care at the top of the list.

I higlhy recommend you go to an Alateen meeting They are free and there is sure to be one located in your area. They can help with support as you move through this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Afraid That I Have Avoidant Personality Disorder

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 6th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve always been very shy and it seems to have escalated into social anxiety. In elementary school I had many friends and joined teams and got involved. In middle school, the same thing. I’ve always been viewed as the “nice, quiet one”. Around grade 10, I started cutting myself off from people, thinking that they wouldn’t want to be my friends anymore. I’m not sure where this came from. Nevertheless, I withdrew myself and my social anxiety increased. It’s strange, but I seem to have become more confident in myself yet I cannot seem to make relationships anymore. One side of me wants to, but this other stronger side does not want to expose myself or get involved in anything because of fear of rejection. I’ve stopped joining clubs. I spend my lunch hour alone. I have one close friend who I cam be myself around. But I cannot approach her at school if she’s surrounded by other people because they intimidate me. I have trouble looking people in the eye or saying something as simple as “hi.” I work at McDonald’s as a cashier where I do not find it hard interacting with customers. I actually enjoy it. But when it comes to talking to my coworkers, that’s a lot harder for me. I am a very hard worker and make a good employee except for the communication part. I try very hard to please people. I can talk one on one with people but cannot approach a bunch of people and join in conversation. I have stopped getting involved in anything except school and work. Every time I go to work I feel anxious, even though I’ve been working there a year. I remember dreaming about my high school years, and they were not like this. I dream about getting married and having children and a good job where I have lots of friends, but I’m so scared that this will never happen for me. I haven’t told anyone about this and people (even my family) just describe me as shy. It’s killing me and I don’t know what to do.

You may or may not have avoidant personality disorder. You match many of the symptoms. It is a realistic possibility. The good news is that many effective treatments exist for anxiety.

You mentioned that you try to be a people-pleaser. Perhaps you do this because of a desire to be liked or as a strategy to avoid confrontation. Nothing good comes from people-pleasing. The most unfortunate aspect of it is that you abandon your true self and essentially become whoever anyone else wants you to be. It is a very inauthentic way to live. No one could be happy living as someone they are not.

Now is the time to get help. Consult a therapist. Anxiety typically becomes worse if not treated. This happens because people with anxiety often attempt to manage it by avoidance. This short-term approach has been found to make anxiety worse in the long term. Many people have overcome anxiety disorders and live psychologically healthy lives. Millions of people have done it and so can you. You have the power to make positive changes in your life and it begins with deciding to get help. Please take care.


Dr. Kristina Randle

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How Do I Help Depressed Dad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 20th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I really need a lot of help with my father. He’s 65. My mother and him have been divorced for over 5 years and he is severely depressed about it. I can tell and so can other people.

He’s been drinking alcohol a lot sometimes. He drank so much one time he almost died from it and almost died from it again a year after that. He talks about the divorce a lot, daily, and has every single day for over 5 years. I hate it. It has caused me so much stress that I’ve had breakdowns, too.

I don’t know if he knows he’s depressed or not but he knows there’s a problem. If he’s not drinking, he buries himself in work and talks about women all the time, because he’s extremely lonely since it’s just me and him. I hate it. I see him a lot so overworked from burying himself in his work that he’s almost incoherent. I’m afraid for him and hate to see him do something so stupid as to keep drinking. All he does is put emphasis on how he still loves my mother, how she did him wrong, and how people in general have done him wrong his whole life. He is a really good, genuine person, and so I believe him but he won’t get away from thinking about that stuff ALL THE TIME. Mostly about the divorce.

I’m afraid one day he’s just going to have another bout with alcohol and just die, because I see the pattern every year. Every time I mention it he gets very angry with me and says that I dont know what i’m talking about or that I just need to goto another room and leave him alone. It’s a lot of stress on me. So much that I dont think I can handle it anymore mentally. I’ve seen a side of my father that i’ve never seen before, mostly in the past 3 years and it confuses me from my experiences with him when I was younger, he used to be such a calm person.

I dont know what to think and I dont know what to do. I want to help him but I kind of give up. I dont know what to do anymore.

This has been going on since you were 16? No wonder you’re getting burned out. At 21, you shouldn’t have to be your father’s keeper. You should be launching yourself into your own adult life. Your father apparently has no idea how he is keeping both of you stuck.

I think you’re right that your dad is depressed. He’s self-medicating with overwork and alcohol. Neither remedy is effective. In fact, they only are making things worse.

I can only suggest a few things: First, instead of being angry with him or trying to reason with him, simply tell him how worried you are about him and how his depression is affecting you. Don’t do this in a blaming or shaming way. Just tell him you love him and are feeling unable to make life decisions because you don’t want to leave him when he’s feeling so low.

Then, encourage him to get into some therapy to deal with his feelings of grief and anger about the divorce. Tell him you will go with him for awhile because you need help finding ways to be supportive of him. I’m hoping that his concerns for you as a father may matter enough that he’ll do this for you even if he won’t do it for himself. Hopefully, your therapist will be able to engage him so that you can turn his treatment over to her or him.

Finally, I strongly urge you to find a local chapter of Al-Anon. This is an organization that is connected to Alcoholics Anonymous and that provides support for family and friends of alcoholics. The program can teach you skills to help both your father and yourself. Most important, the group can give you needed support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I even be talking to him?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 2nd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I had a boyfriend of about a year and throughout it we had a lot of problems, and I broke up with him a lot. Once, he got fed up and dated my best friend for about a month. During that month, though, it was clear that he still loved me. When they broke up, we got back together and dated for a few more month, still having problems. During the last month or so of the relationship, he became awful. He cursed at me all the time, calling me names constantly, he ignored me and didn’t show any care towards me, he chose everyone over me, stole an iPod from me, and got mad over every little thing. He went from being “whipped” as they call it, to not caring the least bit. I stood by him for a while, until I got fed up.I ignored him for about a month after that, during which he constantly tried to get me to talk to him and said he was sorry. I started talking to him as a friend, and he seems different, but I’m not as nieve as I used to be about him. I’m aware that any guy is capable of changing in an instant, but I really do believe deep down that the month he treated me bad was just a mistake to him and that he regrets it. I know it’s not common, but guys feel that way sometimes when they lose a girl. My only question is, should I even be talking to him? And if so, how can I trust again?

Please be cautious. It sounds like this fellow is the most considerate and loving when you distance. When you get close, he switches to abuse and disrespect. It looks like his sweet side comes out only when he is in pursuit. Being close scares him so much he does everything possible to push you away. You may find that being with him will mean regularly being pulled and pushed by his two sides. Many women in relationships like this keep forgiving the harsh side because the sweet side is so sweet. But ultimately, you have to ask yourself if the good times make the bad times really worth it.

I suppose you could try going back to him to see if the pattern repeats itself. But I doubt you really need to set yourself up to be hurt like that again to find the answer to your question. Let yourself get very quiet and still and ask yourself what your best instincts tell you. I have a guess that if you listen to yourself, you’ll know what you need to do.

I hope you know that you didn’t deserve to be so badly mistreated before and you don’t deserve it now. If he can’t cherish you and share a positive and loving relationship with you, respect yourself enough to sever your ties with him. Open yourself up to finding someone who always treats you well.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My dad resorts to violence

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From New Zealand: My friend’s quite ill at the moment and I went with some friends to visit her at the clinic she’s staying at. When I was at home later in the evening my dad that I dressed up too much to visit a sick friend and that I wouldn’t have any friends if I treated people that way. He meant it like, I was showing off or something, I guess in a mean way. As in, my friend’s very sick and I’m making myself all pretty as if to make her feel worse or to make myself feel better. I felt very offended as this was of course not my intention at all and I didn’t know how he could even see it that way. I was wearing this sort of shirt dress and a zip hoodie. I like to dress nicely and try to have good style so it never even occurred to me that my clothes could be perceived inappropriate.

I was quite angered by what my dad said and defended myself but he stood by what he said (he always does, I know that I wouldn’t be able to make him say “oh I was wrong, maybe what you wore was fine” for example, but I don’t like just saying “ok” to whatever he says when really I disagree but god knows it would make everything easier, in a way). I was angry that he wouldn’t see it differently. When he walked away I said “You’re such an idiot.” He goes, “Who were you talking to?” as in, You can’t talk to your dad like that. I said, “I was talking to you. I said, you’re such an idiot.”

This, like it would for any father, made him very angry and he beat me with my drink bottle and kicked me and twisted my arm. I was on the couch at the time and I had kind of lied down and hunched into a ball before he started beating me. I have a camelbak drink bottle and they’re quite hard as opposed to soft plastic so it hurt a lot. My mum heard the noise and came downstairs. She’s always the mediator, telling us both the things we’ve done wrong. She told me off for what I said. She gets frustrated when this sort of thing happens. She wishes I would stop talking back to my dad, arguing with him and saying stupid things like “You’re an idiot”. Both my parents thought I deserved the beating and my mum said my dad’s allowed to tell me his opinion and that it’s absolutely wrong for me to insult him. I was so angry but I know it was very wrong of me to call him an idiot.

I just need to know how common this sort of thing is. I know in a lot of families parents wouldn’t think of using violence on their children or that one parent wouldn’t tolerate the other parent hurting their children. I also know that a lot of families do beat their children. I just really don’t know what my dad hurting me is going to achieve. Some of the things he says still make me angry and I can’t stand having to tolerate it. Does he think if he hits me hard enough I’ll learn my lesson and stop talking back? Surely parents can’t scare their children into obeying them?

I need to work on controlling my anger and using smarter ways to express myself. Calling people idiots is pretty stupid. Since he was only expressing his opinion, maybe next time I’ll just say something like, “Ok, I understand your opinion.” And try not to argue with him too much.

I just want to know someone’s opinion on this whole thing. I need an outsider’s perspective.

I appreciate how hard you tried to be fair and to take responsibility for your part in these arguments. Yes, you need to be respectful. Yes, you need to work on learning ways to control your anger. And yes, you need to learn when the best thing to do is to back down and walk away. You know your dad has anger management issues. You know talking back will only get you hurt. So why would you do things to provoke him? You won’t win any argument with him so please quit trying.

The answer to your question is that it doesn’t matter how common or uncommon it is for parents to beat their children. It isn’t right for any parent to be violent and to beat his child – no matter how much the kid provokes. My guess is that your mother is as afraid of your dad as you are. If she intervened strongly, he might turn on her. Her only way to protect you is to try to mediate. I do suggest you try to talk to her when you can be calm and rational about it and when you can sympathize with the tough spot she’s in. Perhaps if you work together, you can come up with some better ways to handle it when your dad gets upset.

You do have some other choices as well: You can know in your heart that violence is wrong is wrong and keep clear of your dad by staying out of arguments. (It doesn’t matter how “right” you are if you end up getting hurt.) You (and your mom) could seek out help from a domestic violence program. Check out this website/a> for information. Or you could notify the police the next time he beats you. I do strongly suggest you try out the first two options before resorting to the third. Once the legal system gets involved, you lose control over what happens next. The police have protocols they have to follow. Do call the police if all else fails and you are getting hurt, of course. But try getting connected with a program to end family violence first.

I’m very sorry you don’t feel safe with your dad. It’s certainly not the relationship I would wish for you or you would wish for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I can’t get over my wife having had boyfriend before me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 30th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Paris: I have been married for 21 years. While we were going out, my wife had this weird relationship with her old boyfriend. They spent hours talking on the phone; he tried to get her to go out with him on “friendly” dates; and never stopped asking her about me. He was in a serious relationship (now has wife – 2 kids). My wife even invited him personally to our wedding. He sent her a congratulations note with “marriage” written weirdly. For me, it was obvious, from the start, that this guy was trying to win her back.

I have had several relationships before my wife and never felt or been jealous.

The story is that this guy was here at a time in my wife’s life where she really needed someone (family crisis). She always told me he was more a friend of the family than a boyfriend. Their relationship was not a success. I have no doubt that, if my wife wanted more, she would’ve got it.

For 21 years, I asked to my wife to make this guy stop hitting on her, at least out of respect for me. She never did. They even met by chance on four occasions since our wedding and, each time, he would ask her something about her marriage.

This story made me suffer a lot and I never stopped trying to convince my wife to admit this guy was out of line and that she was sorry. I just needed to make sure she got my back.

Lately, I ended up flirting with a girl I don’t even like and confessed to my wife in tears. We fought for weeks about everything and I finally got her to admit that this guy was out of line and that she was sorry. She also said she never realized it had made me suffer so much. She also said that I can’t blame her for what the other guy wanted as long as she didn’t want it. She also said that, at a certain point, it made her feel safe to make me jealous and let me know she’s not “acquired”.

This “story” has been coming out of the closet every couple of years. I just need to know if I can trust her (or how) to push away firmly any “contender”, including this one.

Why, oh why, are you torturing yourself and your wife with this? Your insecurity is the issue, not your wife’s behavior. As your wife has told you, you can’t blame her for being attractive to someone. She has nothing to be sorry for. She can’t “make him” stop hitting on her – no matter how much respect she has for you. It’s important for you to look at why you aren’t satisfied with being the lucky “winner” for 21 years. I worry that your need to win a senseless argument may result in the very thing you fear. You’re now flirting with someone to make a point. Your wife probably feels disrespected and distrusted. I suppose you could ask her to stop talking to this guy completely but at this point her sense of pride may make that difficult.

I strongly urge you to get into some couples therapy to resolve this once and for all. You want to spend your remaining years together without this old story lurking in the background and threatening your peace. Deal with it so you can just relax and enjoy the rewards of a long marriage.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think My Girlfriend Is About To Break Up With Me

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW September 19th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I think my girlfriend is about to break up with me, because there were these girls she didn’t want me to hang out with but I did, because I was mad at her for cheating on me, which she told me about a long time ago and was open about, so I decided to have secrets of my own, which I know was a horrible idea. Well we had this big fight where she wanted me to tell her everything, and I did for the most part, leaving out one time where I had this party and invited this girl over to my house. She just found out yesterday and is really upset, and I don’t know what to do. For some reason, I’ve lied to her a lot, because I don’t want to get in trouble, and I know that if I’m honest she’ll accept it and everything will be okay, but for some reason I can’t get it through my thick skull. I keep messing up time after time. I don’t want to lose her because she understands me and is the best thing to happen to me. I don’t know what to do, I slept all day today just because I didn’t know what to do. I really don’t want to lose her and I feel so bad for making her feel horrible, and when we were talking and she was crying I really felt bad about it and hated seeing her cry but I still felt sort of detached for some reason. I don’t know why I feel detached sometimes but I would really like to not feel that way. For some reason I think subconsciously I like to feel miserable, because otherwise I don’t know why I do the things I do. Sometimes before I do or say anything I think to myself “this is not a good idea” but then I do it anyway.  I really don’t want to lose her, I’ve been through so much with her, more than anybody. shes my best friend and my confidant and shes always been there for her. I just want to be normal, and not lose the most important person in my life.

Thanks for writing in for help with your relationship. Whether or not she breaks up with you, it’s important for you to get to the bottom of you why you continue to do things, like lie and cheat, that you know aren’t a good idea. Frequently, relationship sabotage has roots in past hurts. Is there anything in your relationship or family history that might be emotionally driving your pattern of pushing your girlfriend away? Your emotional detachment to her sadness also suggests that there may be something that is unresolved for you in close relationships.  I suggest that you get a therapist and explore what’s driving this pattern so if your girlfriend stays with you, you can learn how to maintain closeness and if she breaks up with you, you can prevent this pattern in future relationships. Also, consider reading the book “Getting the Love You Want: A Guide For Couples” by Dr. Harville Hendrix to help you start understanding the deeper patterns that may be getting in the way of your love relationship.

Take good care of yourself and your relationships!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Hypochondriac with a constant anxiety attack

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 27th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Every couple of months or weeks…I seem to come up with a new scenario as to how I am dying. I always have this general feeling of malaise. I can’t remember the last time I was ever genuinely happy. I am always down. I have no desire to do anything. Well, recently my self-diagnosis is that something is wrong with my heart. It feels like I am constantly on the verge of a complete panic attack. I feel way overly aware of the organ inside my chest. I feel sick, I just feel it beating the wrong way all the time. I panic to the point where it palpitates and majorly picks up speed…and when it does that, I think about how that is also a sign of something being wrong with my heart. And I can’t decipher what is happening out of panic, or what could be me dying. My chest gets so tight and I’m always thinking about it. It’s always hard to breathe because I am trying so hard to stay calm. But heart problems can cause those exact symptoms as well. I get chest pains, over my entire chest. It feels like they happen mostly when I am breathing very hard. Every time I think about it anymore the worse the panic gets. I keep looking up all these symptoms trying to convince myself it’s all in my head but it’s so hard to tell when anxiety generates the same symptoms. I just had my first literal anxiety attack about it and this is where I need to draw the line. I had to lie on the floor and just breathe. My ears were ringing, my heart was beating so hard I could hear it over the ringing in my ears. I couldn’t really see, everything was echoing…and I was certain I was dying. Then suddenly I snapped back, I got up…took an anxiety pill and got on here to write. It was a lot easier to deal when I was convinced I had any other disease…but this one is so hard to set aside. There is ALWAYS the possibility that something is SERIOUSLY wrong too. And I am far too terrified to go see a doctor to find out if I am right. I’m just going insane. I don’t want to leave this earth just yet. But every day feels like my last because of this panic. I want out of my mind. What am I supposed to do?

What you are supposed to do first is see a doctor. Just because something is in your head doesn’t mean that there might not be a real problem. It’s always important to check on the medical facts first. If there is a medical root to your problem, the first step toward a cure is to get a diagnosis – which will lead to a discussion about treatment. But without a diagnosis, you are only making yourself crazy thinking about all the possibilities.

If you are medically clear, then we’re looking at a psychiatric issue. You are probably correct that this is anxiety-based. Where you are not correct is in thinking that an anxiety pill is going to fix what ails you. The medicine will help settle you down, it’s true. But you also need to learn how to calm yourself and interrupt those racing thoughts that lead to a full-blown panic attack. Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy has been found to be very effective with people like yourself. Take a look at “Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy” by David Burns. The book is very readable and easy to understand. You may find that you are able to use the tools described in it on your own. If not, please consider finding a therapist to coach you. There is no reason to go through life going “out of your mind.”

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m in love with my best friend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 26th, 2020
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in love with my best friend for over a year now. He got his girlfriend pregnant and they’ve decided to keep the baby. At this point it’s completely inappropriate to tell him the way I feel about him. In addition, I feel really guilty having these feelings for him considering his situation. Because of the stress of the baby, he’s been fighting with his girl. He talks to me about her sometimes, it seems that all the qualities she lacks I have. It’s bad because thinking like this gives me false hope. I want to stop being in love with him; I want to stop thinking that things will change and one day we’ll be together. I know its unhealthy to think this way, especially considering the circumstances, but I can’t get over him. Once the baby arrives and I have to see him with his family, I don’t know how I’m going to live with myself. I also don’t want to cause problems between me and his girlfriend but I’m afraid even our friendship already has. He means a lot to me and I know I mean a lot to him, but I need to get over him. I feel the best solution for both of us would be to cut him out of my life, but I don’t want to cut him out of my life, he’s my best friend. What can I do? This situation has been causing me great stress and sadness. Depression has always been a struggle for me throughout high school, but I’ve become a lot sadder the past year over this boy. I’ve tried dating other guys in hopes of getting over him but I can’t seem to find someone else that compares. I feel really lonely too, all the time.

The question to ask yourself is whether you care enough about your friend to let him go. He has made the difficult decision to marry and be a dad when the circumstances aren’t the best. He deserves support for that decision. You’re right that it’s not appropriate to tell him how you feel. It’s also not healthy for either of you for you to be talking negatively about the woman he has decided to be with. He and the mother of his child would probably benefit from some counseling to help them cope with this unexpected change in their lives. Their relationship deserves a chance. Their baby deserves to have two parents if it’s at all possible.

Where that leaves you is grieving the “what if guy” in your life. It’s a real grief. If things were different, something more than friendship might have developed between you two but you’ll never know. It’s important that you give yourself room to grieve. Then it’s equally important to do whatever you need to do to move on. Dating others won’t work as long as you are still holding out hope for your “what if guy.” Your heart isn’t in it. The guys you date sense that you just aren’t into them.

Find a way to take some distance from your guy friend. Wish him all the luck in the world. Then start putting yourself into activities that genuinely interest you where you can start getting to know other guys. Working together is a perfect way to get to know people well without jumping right into dating. You’re not ready for that. But you do need to get busy enough so that you’re not tempted to isolate and get depressed. The antidote to loneliness is to be with other people.

I understand this is terribly hard. I do sympathize. But I also think real friendship sometimes calls for real sacrifice. I hope you will do your grief work and then give yourself the chance to find the guy who is out there waiting for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How can I be a support for someone with Avoidant Personality Disorder?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 15th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I would like to make it clear that my friend has not been formally diagnosed by any of her (former) therapists, at least to my knowledge. I have known her for a few years now, so I would like to say that I know her pretty well. She epitomizes the descriptions and symptoms of APD. She has horrible self esteem, is very self critical, has panic attacks from seemingly normal things because they include some form of social interaction, mistrusts others, is hyper-sensitive, isolates herself, feels unworthy of anything, and is generally miserable. And when I say panic attacks, I mean vomiting and hyperventilating, sometimes missing school. And while I accept that my own little “diagnosis” has every chance of being completely wrong, I would still like to be able to be there for her. She has refused therapy, because she says it makes her feel worse. When she has gone to therapists, and they will only prescribe anxiety medication to her if she promises to continue with therapy, which, like I said, she won’t. She constantly goes to me when she has trouble though. I have no problem giving advice, but I don’t want to give her the wrong kind. Keep in mind that I have been encouraging professional help almost every time. I’m talking about what to say to help her feel better. What do I say when she says she feels ugly? Feels worthless? Feels lonely? Feels resentment (towards others)? Do I just keep throwing as many positive thoughts and compliments as possible her way? Does it matter if they are true? Because I try to keep them truthful. Should I tell her how she is being unreasonable and stick to it? Should I act as if what she is saying is true and how to work around it? All of the above? None of the above? I will admit it is a lot of pressure, but I sincerely don’t mind. She’s one of my closest friends, and she’s usually there for me, so I want to be too. How should I be there to help her?

From your well-thought-out letter it is very clear how much you care for your friend. But the truth is you are not going to be the one that can change her. If it really is APD the heavy lifting on that is going to be done by a professional. But there are some things you can do to help.

Stop.

The dynamic of you helping and trying to figure out how to change her and make her better is actually part of the pattern that needs to be broken. Here is the cycle: You try, she fails, you feel frustrated, and she doesn’t get better while you wrack your brains trying to make her feel better. What I would encourage is for you to stop this cycle of trying to get her to feel better. From your description nothing you have done has worked, and if makes you feel frustrated it is time to stop.

Instead I would find ways to accept your friend as she is, and highlight the genuine things she does that are positive in spite of her emotional and behavioral patterns. This isn’t to fix her, per se, but to remind her that even though she has some avoidant patterns she still is able to have these positive features.

Finally I would tell her what your frustration and difficulty has been, and is, being around her. If this is going to be an honest friendship then you saying your truth, and her being able to hear it, is important. You are not her therapist; you are her friend. Friends need to get something from each other and give something to each other. Let her know how you feel and what you need. Otherwise you will spend your time trying to rescue her, and being frustrated.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Crying Too Often As A Male

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 9th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been this way my entire life, I have done some searching but it seems as if I don’t reach the extent that many others do. I am a very happy person, I am not depressed, i have a great life, and a lot going for me.The only real issue I have had in my life is handling dealing with my father who is a struggling alcoholic.

However my issue is that I get angry much too easily, and I also tend to cry about things that I should not be crying about. As a male this can be very embarrasing, and I am afraid that this will hurt my relationship. Sometimes when I get mad I will throw things or break things, and while common, this isnt a daily occurrence. I do tend to lash out in a physical way at least once weekly. I never want to hit or hurt people, it is usually my phone/ hitting a wall or window, etc.

At the same time, small things make me very upset, and I usually respond by crying. When i am in a fight with somebody I cry, when i am in an argument i might cry. It is embarrassing and I really would like to understand why it is happening and how i can control it.

We should not believe in the stereotype that men should never cry. In fact, some women perceive males who show this side of themselves as being more sensitive, caring or in touch with their emotions than the “average” male. In this way it could be seen as a positive and desirable quality. Suppressing versus expressing. Certainly, there are those times when crying is socially acceptable and times when it is not.

At the heart of your question is why are you reacting with tears or anger when you otherwise consider yourself a happy, well-adjusted individual. You mentioned your alcoholic father. You may be struggling with unresolved issues with your father. It might also be a problem of impulse control. You oftentimes feel very emotional but at times you seem to lack the necessary skills to keep some emotions under control.

You have identified this as a problem that is interfering with your life. It is negatively affecting your relationships with others. My recommendation is to seek help for this problem before your anger grows out of control. You would never want to harm another in the heat of anger. It is better to proactively treat this problem. Don’t wait until it is too late.

There are very effective anger management programs that exist and you should take advantage of them. In addition, I would also recommend attending an Al-Anon meeting. These meetings can be very effective and are designed to help individuals who have family members with ongoing alcohol problems. The find help tab can help you locate a therapist who specializes in anger management. Here’s a link to where you can find more information about the Al-Anon meetings I described above. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Is it social anxiety?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 6th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I actually see a pyschiatrist and have seen him for almost two years now. I’ve tried to talk to him about this, but everytime I start to I panic and can’t. I was wondering if this sounds like social anxiety to you. Or is this something everybody feels everyday? And by the way, when I say I don’t like it, that means that I do everything I can to avoid doing it.

When a lot of people are around me (more than five) my heart starts racing, i feels hard to breath, and my chest starts hurting really bad. I make up excuses not to go somewhere with people. I don’t like talking on the phone. I don’t like being introduced to new people. I don’t like interacting with people I don’t know, or people I went to school with. I don’t like paying for things (I don’t want the cashier to talk to me.) I don’t like eating in front of others. I don’t like social events. I don’t like talking in groups (more than three people is too much.) made up excuses not to work in groups with people at school. I’m scared to be in front of people (public speaking.) In public places I like to stay by my safe person (mom.) I have absolutly no friends, and even when I did. there wasn’t too many of them. I feel like I don’t fit in with anybody, including family. I can’t make eye contact with other people for more than two seconds. I get creeped out when people look at me. I keep conversations with strangers very short. can’t get a job/liscense because I’m afraid of being judged. I dread having my picture taken, and I never smile in them. I have a difficult time making friends et alone keeping them. I wouldn’t run or do any of my work-outs in gym class if other people were looking at me. I would try and ditch school if I had to present something that day. And if I couldn’t skip, than I would just not present it and take a zero on it. If people would turn their test in befor me, I would hurry up and write random answers down so I wasn’t the last person to turn them in When I had to walk to my seat in class my heart would race. I hate being the center of attention. I get nervous talking to authority figures, besides my parents (that’s why I can’t talk to my psychiatrist about this.) I’m bad at initiating a conversation, or even keeping one going. I get really hot, chest hurts, heart races, when too many people are around, too many people are talking, or look at me to long. I would almost start panicing when the teacher would call on me in class to answer a question, because I was afraid I would stutter or give the wrong answer. (I only stutter when I’m nervous.) And I would stutter a lot when I was picked to read to the class, even if I was sitting in my seat.

I really need help with this, and soon. Because I don’t see my psychiatrist unti the begining of July. And in August I’m going away to college four hours away from home. And I don’t know how I’m going to make it at college without freaking out everyday. So please help. Sorry this is so long, I just wanted to add as much details as possible

I can’t make a certain diagnosis on the basis of a letter. I can tell you that the symptoms you describe are consistent with social anxiety. OK. Now maybe you have a name for what you’re going through. That’s not going to help you at all unless you take steps to do something about it. The positive thing about the anxiety disorders is that they are treatable. But they are only treatable if you get treatment.

You are certainly not alone in keeping vital information from your psychiatrist, feeling as you do. Talking about your symptoms puts you right into the thick of the very symptoms you are experiencing. I suggest you try to get an appointment sooner than July. You need time before going off to school to begin real treatment. Then either send a copy of this Q and A or write a letter to your psychiatrist, explaining what you experience. A mental health professional only has what you present to work with. If you don’t find a way to clue him or her in, you won’t get the results you need and deserve.

Although you may get some symptom relief before you head off to school, my guess is that you’re going to need ongoing therapy for awhile in order to master the skills you need to manage your anxiety. One of the many things your psychiatrist will want to talk about is how to continue your treatment while you are in school. You’ll want to discuss whether to transfer treatment to the school mental health services or whether you want to plan on coming home at intervals to continue with the same doctor.

I hope you will give yourself the gift of some intensive treatment. I for one think you’ve battled these feelings quite long enough. I think we both want you to have a happy and successful time in college.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Girlfriend of 8 years wants “break”

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 5th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m a 23 year old male living in TX.

I wish I was writing to you on better terms but I, like so many others, have recently had my heart broken. Okay, it wasn’t broken, it was completely destroyed/crushed/shattered; I could go on but you get the idea. You might be thinking, “You’re only 23. What’s the worst that could have happened?” Well, in order for you to fully feel my experience I’d like to explain as much as possible.

I met her when I was a freshman in high school, she a junior. We began dating after two weeks of getting to know each other. We spent a lot of time together – more than our parents knowingly allowed. We soon fell in love and were deeply infatuated with each other. This was the first real relationship for the both of us; even our first kiss with the opposite sex. Things were great…until the inevitable day when she graduated from high school and left to college. We BOTH wanted the relationship to work so we stuck it out. We were several hours away and didn’t see each other for weeks or even months at a time but we hung in there. There was a period when we argued often on the phone, but I think we both knew it was because we actually wanted to see each other and as we all know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I saw her whenever she could make it down (holidays, breaks, etc.) and I went up whenever anyone I knew was traveling within range of her college. The day came when I graduated from high school and I don’t think either of us could have been happier. I was no longer 7 hours away from her – I was within a one hour drive to Austin, TX. Lauren drove to San Antonio to see me every weekend and boy was it GREAT to be on our own. When I eventually got a car we would trade driving weekends. This was the routine for years up until recent events.

We took a few vacations – one to Las Vegas two years ago and one to New York last August. It was great to share these moments with her. I graduated from college last year and Lauren just graduated from Law School in Austin this past May. Lauren was offered a job at a law firm in Houston, where we were planning on moving, so we went to look at apartments just last March. We hadn’t lived in the same city since high school. You can only imagine how great things were looking. We were also planning a trip to England, Scotland, and Ireland this summer.

Knowing I was moving soon, I gave my two weeks notice at my job in San Antonio and was saving up money for the vacation and for the move.

At the end of April, Lauren began studying for her last final exams. She always became extremely stressed/depressed when studying for finals; enough to make her physically sick. It was something she had always done. She is the smartest person I know and if she wants something bad enough, she’ll get what she wants. I always supported her by telling her she had nothing to worry about and that I believed in her. She usually answered with, “But this one is different. It’s REALLY going to be difficult.”

When she was studying for her last exam she had about a week off to study for it. I asked if I could go over for a day on the weekend and she said she would probably just sleep since she had been studying so long and lost many hours of sleep. I later found out she slept for a while and then went out with friends in the evening. These were relatively new friends. Friends she had class with but never got to hang out with due to the rigorous demands of law school. I was upset and I let her know. I felt like she didn’t want me to be there. I wanted her to be with me during the week she was studying but she said she didn’t want to risk getting a lower grade because she would be distracted. I could tell she was stressed and I left her alone. We didn’t talk/text/chat/anything for a week. We had never gone that long without talking. After that week she told me she didn’t want to talk because I had been picking fights.

On May 16 she finished her last final exam and I was excited I could finally talk to her and see her. I asked her to come over that night and she said she was going to get some sleep. I was fine with that. I knew she was tired. So, Tuesday came (5/17) and I finally got to see her. She drove from Austin that night. She said she had been tubing earlier that day with friends from school.

I could tell something was different.

We went to a local restaurant where she told me she wanted to take a break. My heart was pounding extremely hard. I couldn’t eat anything on my plate. I was dead inside. She said she had been together with me since she was 16 and needed some space. I asked if there was someone else or if she had lost interest in me and she quickly shut that idea down. She swore she really wanted some time to be by herself. I didn’t get emotional at the restaurant but I did when I got home as she was standing in front of me. I wasn’t upset, I was completely miserable. I just didn’t understand. I told her things were about to get so good. We were so close to finally starting our life together. I had been waiting for this moment for so long. I guess I was the only one that wanted that. She told me she was still really attracted to me. She told me she still loved me and that this wasn’t “officially” the end. I looked her in the eyes and told her she had broken my heart.

She needed space. We hugged for minutes, she kissed me on the cheek several times, and drove away, watching me as she disappeared into the night.

It’s been close to a month after the breakup and three weeks since we last communicated (a few texts – I sent, she responded). She said I could call any time but I can’t seem to gather the strength to and I’m trying the no contact rule. I briefly talked to her at her graduation on May 21. Things were extremely awkward when talking. I could tell she didn’t really want to converse with only me. I was invited to her grad dinner but decided not to go – it was for the best, I’m sure. Her mother said Lauren felt like she was at a crossroad in her life.

So, she’s taking some classes in Austin until mid July when she’ll take the state bar exam. After that, she’ll move to Houston and there’s a chance I won’t be joining her. I never thought I would be in this position. This is a horrible, horrible feeling. How can one person just turn off like that from one month to the next? I have been running many different scenarios over and over in my mind and I just don’t want to feel like I didn’t do the absolute most to get her back into my life. I’ve never wanted something so bad.

I’m truly sorry about writing so much but I didn’t think I could summarize 8 beautiful years into a few paragraphs. I really want this to work. I’m not a vengeful guy, I truly want this girl as much as I did when I asked her to be my girlfriend not so long ago. I don’t know where things went wrong. I know she didn’t want to get married right away (at times we talked about our wedding song and how many kids we would have) but I never pressured her into it – her relatives sure did though. Is it this weight off of her shoulders from graduating? Does she just want to be able to let her hair down and hang out with friends for a while?

I’m now currently unemployed and am considering going back to school, possibly far away. I don’t have any motivation to design…or eat. If you want to lose weight, try the heartbreak diet. I think about this literally every other second for the entire day and I have yet to sleep a solid 7 hours.

This has been the most difficult month of my life.

Please give it all you got. I have.

Wholeheartedly,

“What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.”
~Richard Bach

Your heartfelt letter is certainly touching. While it may seem catastrophic, there is actually some good news here.

This is perhaps the most natural time in your lives to make a break. Your girlfriend has now forfeited her right to be privy to your life. She has made a decision that has fundamentally changed the nature of the relationship. I would honor that if I were you. I think you have done exceptionally well with the non-contact rule, and should now make plans for your life without her. The work that needs to be done here on the couples side of the equation is on her side. For you — you must pick up the pieces of your life and move on.

The good news is that it happened now, and not after a few more years of plans and promises and hope. Take her at her word. You want a full and equal partnership, not one where you will wonder how committed your partner will be.

Start investing in yourself, and if she does want to reconnect with you, take your time in deciding if you are willing to be with her again. It must be a joint decision, not just that she wants back in.

Finally, the good news is that she seems to have dealt with her feelings directly and has been very upfront with you. This is precious. I hear from people all the time how their partner has not been direct. Take this as a blessing in your life, and use it to take stock in your own.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My mother says she wants to die because I want to go away for graduate school

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 10th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Since highschool I have known what I want to do with my life and I have worked hard for it. My parents are cuban and pretty traditional, but my dad is not the issue. ALthough I could have gone ot an ivy league school out of highschool, my mother wanted me to stay at home and I obliged and commuted to my local university 0 which is a great school and i received a huge scholarship. I felt as though I was missing out on the college experience and when I was 20 moved on campus. This really hurt my mother and she cried nearly every day, even though I came home every thursday and did not return to school until sunday. I graduated from the honors college at my university, with numerous honors and at the top o my class. I also made it into one of the top 5 graduate schools for what I want to pursue. My mother says she wants to die. She says she never expected for her children to leave home and her dream was always to have me live at home until I got married and even then I would live nearby. She says she is hurt because she stayed home with her parents and never wanted to leave. Apart from sadness she expresses this very angrily, saying I am overambitious and am putting my own selfish pursuits in front of family. I do not understand why she can’t just be happy and proud of me and let me go like the majority of mothers who want the best for their children. I am miserable and every day there is screaming and crying because we want different things. She seems to pride herself on the fact she is “letting” me go to school and says she will suck up the pain, but that she wants to die because there is nothing left and her life did not turn out how she wanted. I have considered going to my local law school, but I will be sacrificing a lot and I know I will be miserable. In addition, she says even if i did so it would not count because I am doing it out of guilt, not because I wanted to stay with my family. I am at a loss and everyday has become a huge emotional struggle. One of us will end up hurt. What do I do?

First, congratulations on all your considerable achievements. You have every right to be proud of yourself.

You are suffering because you are caught in a generational divide. Your mother wants you to repeat the life she led, staying near her parents. You are in America where there is more emphasis on individualism. You are not going to change her. She is not going to change you. Your mother has made it clear that you can’t win so stop trying to. Although your suffering shows how much you do care about your mother’s feelings, it isn’t getting you – or her – anywhere.

There is no need for screaming and crying. Screaming and crying tells your mother that you might be coerced into doing as she wishes. Clear decisions are stated with calm certainty. Make a promise to yourself that you will stop your end of the fight. If your mother makes accusations or statements meant to provoke guilt, you can tell her you love her very much but that it’s time for you to grow up and move on. Reassure her that you will certainly want her to be part of your life in some way, especially when you marry and have children. Let her know that her blessing and her pride in you mean a great deal but that you need to look to your future, not her past. You gave her what she wanted in your choice of undergrad school. Now it’s her turn to support you in doing what you want to do for graduate work.

Your best ally in this situation should be your dad. When adult children leave home, there is often opportunity for the parents to rekindle their relationship. Your mother’s focus is still on being a mother of a young person, not on being a partner for her husband.Your dad could help a great deal if he would court her a little and tell her how much he is looking forward to having her all to himself again. Perhaps that will help her shift her attention back to where it belongs — with her husband. I suggest you talk to him adult to adult and ask for his assistance in helping your mother through this difficult transition.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mom doesn’t want me dating my BF

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 11th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

What do I do about my boyfriend and my mom? My mom doesn’t want me dating him but she hasn’t even met him. I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months (end of this month) and my parents do not approve of this relationship. At first they were adamantly disapproving of my interracial relationship (I’m Korean dating a White guy) but after 2 weeks of fighting and lots of tears they finally gave in to me dating outside of my race. Now the real problem is that since he doesn’t have a college degree and comes from a broken up family (different family upbringing) my mom is telling me to break it off with him. She wants me to date someone with an education and from the same family upbringing–bring a boyfriend home with the same education level (I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in science). I’ve told them that their standards are not the same as my criteria…tho he doesn’t have a college degree he’s still in the process of graduating and he has a full-time job, fully supporting himself.

I’m employed fulltime and supporting myself. I am no longer dependent on my parents but their approval means a lot to me. They want me to stay friends with my boyfriend or they don’t want to have anything to do with me. After a month of fighting/not talking/exchanges of hurtful words with my mom I finally just told her that I will break it off for our relationship sake. What she doesn’t know is that I’m still with him because their standards don’t hold true for me and this is my life.

I don’t really date for marriage but I do think about my future with him and I can see us living together happily. Now when I put my parents into the equation, all I see is chaos. His family is everything that my parents will not like. I don’t want to hurt him by leaving him because my parents don’t approve. He knows how my parents feel about him and he knows that I told my parents that we are just friends. I want to be in a relationship with him but I feel that when things get serious I’m not sure what I could do because I know that my parents will be very hurt. I am at a great turmoil. What should I do?

What a difficult, difficult situation. You want to follow your heart in a direction your parents can’t support. I’m sure they mean the best for you. I’m sure they love you. They may even be right about the problems you and your boyfriend will face, coming from such different cultures and families. But it’s not as simple as deciding who is right.

You are all caught in a generational difference that is extremely painful all around. By the older generation’s values, you would follow your parents’ wishes. But young people these days are generally left to discover for themselves whether a match is made in heaven – or not. Sadly, trying to bridge the two has got you lying. It does keep your parents at bay but you are betraying their trust and your own values. I’m sure you’re not at all happy about either.

You may not have realized it, but fighting and tears demonstrates to your parents that you aren’t ready to make such an important decision as who you will date. If you are clear about what you want to do, you should be able to present your views without all the drama. You would then tell your folks that their approval means the world to you but that you respectfully disagree and will make your own choices. My guess is that they don’t want to lose you any more than you want to lose them so you would probably be able to work it out.

The fact that you haven’t been able to do that suggests to me that just maybe you have some doubts that you aren’t able to acknowledge even to yourself. The fighting may seem like you are standing up for yourself, but the lying and the giving in keeps you tied to your parents’ ideals. You’re trying to have it both ways: Do what you want but without risking parental disfavor. I think this is the larger problem: You have made your own choices but you aren’t convinced. The current situation with your boyfriend is the issue that brings your own uncertainly forward. In that sense, it’s not about him. It’s about coming to terms with your own beliefs.

This kind of dilemma isn’t unusual for someone who is 24. The twenties is when most of us come into our own. Like the butterfly struggling to free itself from the cocoon, the struggle to define ourselves, separate from our family of origin is what makes us become a mature adult.

I’m not going to tell you what to do about the boyfriend. I do think you should start by clarifying your own thoughts instead of trying to change your parents’ opinions. The rest will flow from that.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mom is cheating on my dad…it hurts so bad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

so its been about a year that ive known bout the fact that my mom is cheating on my dad. their relationship is AWFUL. they tried to get divorced when i was 5 but they didnt becuz my little brother came along.well according to what my aunt said they knew eachother for only 2 months or so b4 they got married! the story started when i heard my mom sweet talking on the phone, i first panicked & when i asked her who it was she said juss A FRIEND but i knew she was lying ..well i paid no attention to that eventhough she used to cry in the car & u know the stuff u do in the tough times of a relationship!but after a few months i heard them talking about buying a house , being together & other stuff … i just BLEW UP! i couldnt believe that was my mom saying those things . well she broke up with that guy & found a new guy ! so things kept on getting worse for me ! cuz i was the only one who knew this & had to keep it as a secret. then i started reading her text massages ( it was more like a sexmassage) chats( i read things that just killed me inside, things like getting divorced , or how much he luvs her )…ahh & i even caught her using the webcam in MY ROOM for like 3 or 4 times. i just CANNOT stop thinking about it ..iam so depressed ..sometimes i feel like i cant take this situation anymore so thinking about killing myself but i know thats just stupid so i keep on crying & keeping things inside myself … there are a lot more details on whats going on with them ..i just wanna know what should i do ? i mean i know this is gonna end up to a divorce …& idont want that! i used to be so happy & stuff but know im like so quiet and dont really like having fun, i kinda went Emo…the only thing that relaxes me is listening to heavy metal , Emo, alternative songs , even my friends have noticed that but i dont really like talking about my problems with the others well only one of my friends know bout this but all she does is listening but i need to know what im supposed to do!
thanx-

I’m so, so sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult position. The first thing you do is stop doing a whole lot of what you’re doing. Your mother’s text messages and chats are her business, not yours. You already know enough. Reading more of them only makes you feel worse.

I don’t know if your mother asked you to keep this secret or if you’ve taken that burden on yourself. Either way, it’s much too heavy a load for a 15-year-old — even for a smart, sensitive teen like yourself. A heart-to-heart talk with your mom is way overdue. Tell your mother that you know what she is up to and that it is hurting you terribly. Let her know that you feel like you are caught in the middle between two parents you love and that it is just too much for you to handle anymore. Ask her to be honest with your dad and to either work things out or not but not to keep you and your brother in such an emotionally difficult situation.

If your mother asks you to keep the secret, it’s really unfair. Tell her that it hurts you to be asked to betray your dad the way she is. Make no promises. If this gets to be just too, too hard, think about whether there is a relative or another trusted adult you can bring into your confidence who can give you support and advice.

If your parents do divorce, it’s very, very important that you understand that it’s not your fault for getting this out in the open. Clearly your folks have had problems for years. Those problems have nothing to do with you and your brother. You can still have two parents who love you even if they don’t love each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mom is in denial of her drug addiction

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 23rd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My mom has shown patterns of being in denial for as long as I can remember. This time it’s really affecting the family. A few years ago she had to undergo surgery for her back, and has been taking pain pills since then. At this point she has moved up to the patch, which is a lot stronger than even some terminally ill people would take. She has always been pretty depressed but in the last 2 years, she has been worse than she has ever been. All she does everyday is lay in bed. She has neglected paying bills, including the mortgage and now the house is in danger of being foreclosed on. She hardly eats, or moves around. I’m afraid that she is becoming mentally prepared for death (not suicide, just the loss of the will to live in addition to poor health). She will never admit that she has a problem with drugs, and I believe that is what is making her depression worse. She needs treatment but I have no idea how to go about it. Am I able to talk to a psychologist on behalf of her? I suppose I should note that she is a single mother of four, so I don’t have a father to turn to. How can I help her?

You must be terribly worried. You’ve been watching your mom fade away and have felt helpless to help. She does sound dangerously depressed. I don’t know if her medications are the cause or if she’s truly in such pain that she can’t manage the demands of regular life. But she certainly does need some help.

I can think of a few things you can do, if you haven’t already.

First, insist that she make an appointment with her doctor and get her to let you go along. She can’t see herself from the outside as you can. Tell her doctor what you’ve told me. It may be that there are alternative medications that can give her relief from pain without making her so dysfunctional.

You said that you don’t have a dad but you didn’t mention if you have other relatives to turn to. If other people in the extended family are in a position to help but haven’t known what is going on, it’s time to contact them. I don’t know if she’s addicted or if her depression has so taken over that she hasn’t felt worth any help her family could give her. Either way, “protecting” your mother by not telling other relatives contributes to her isolation.

Finally, you can go to a therapist for yourself. A therapist can help you figure out what you need to do to both take better care of yourself and possibly be more effective with your mom. A therapist can also help you identify local resources. At some point, you and your therapist may decide to invite your mother in to share some of your sessions. Sometimes someone who won’t go to therapy for herself will go if it’s framed as a help for someone they love. The goal could be to find ways for you and your mom to be a team to take care of her and to make sure that essential tasks for running the household get done.

This is a lot for someone who is only 21 to handle. The situation requires that you be more mature and organized than your mother is. I’m sorry you find yourself in this position. But your letter suggests to me that you see things clearly and you are anxious to help. You made an important first step in writing. I hope this response gives you some direction for what you can do next.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is my Girlfriend with me for security or…

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 10th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my girlfriend have been together for around 19 months now but in January we had a rough patch and took a break, the reason for that break was she got Postnatal depression 6 months after our daughter was born and she became very confused about her self and started going out with friends a lot and drinking too which I had no issue with as she had done an amazing job being a mother and she deserved the time to let her hair down, within the times she went out she met a lad that worked at the local bowling alley and they hooked up a few times after and admitted to “Kissing” him whilst we we’re together. During the break we had she admitted that she had slept with the lad on one occasion My reaction wasn’t explosive because we agreed to have a break and that’s her decision to sleep with him yes it hurt me a lot but I couldn’t “Go Crazy” after 2 months apart my girlfriend tells me she wants to get thing back on track, I was so thrilled that she decided this but now after a month of so she has started to go very quiet with me and less talkative, and the issue my Girlfriend has is when she has things on her mind she speaks about them in her sleep, and a few nights ago she was speaking as if she was talking to someone and her word was “I think I have fucked up getting back with Jamie (my name BTW), as I can only think about someone else. I have confronted her but she denies that she likes someone else and that she loves me, this is now making me confused, now earlier this morning (21/04/2011) she spoke in her sleep saying she was thinking a lot about this person and it is really concerning me, my main question is does she want me because she grew up without her father and she wants me there for ours or what.

What a difficult place to be in. I think one way of understanding this is that you are both confused about the level of commitment needed to sustain the relationship. It also seems that the two of you may not be able to deal effectively with communicating these truths. If a child were not involved you would be able to deal with this by simply moving on, but the truth is the two of you will have to communicate over your child whether you are together or not.

I would strongly suggest a couples counselor because there are a great many unresolved feelings that need to be identified and dealt with. This will help you not only if you decide to stay together, but also if you decide to separate and continue making decisions for your child.

If she is unwilling to enter couples therapy I would suggest you begin individual therapy to sort through the issues evoked by all of this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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