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Is my Girlfriend with me for security or…

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 10th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Me and my girlfriend have been together for around 19 months now but in January we had a rough patch and took a break, the reason for that break was she got Postnatal depression 6 months after our daughter was born and she became very confused about her self and started going out with friends a lot and drinking too which I had no issue with as she had done an amazing job being a mother and she deserved the time to let her hair down, within the times she went out she met a lad that worked at the local bowling alley and they hooked up a few times after and admitted to “Kissing” him whilst we we’re together. During the break we had she admitted that she had slept with the lad on one occasion My reaction wasn’t explosive because we agreed to have a break and that’s her decision to sleep with him yes it hurt me a lot but I couldn’t “Go Crazy” after 2 months apart my girlfriend tells me she wants to get thing back on track, I was so thrilled that she decided this but now after a month of so she has started to go very quiet with me and less talkative, and the issue my Girlfriend has is when she has things on her mind she speaks about them in her sleep, and a few nights ago she was speaking as if she was talking to someone and her word was “I think I have fucked up getting back with Jamie (my name BTW), as I can only think about someone else. I have confronted her but she denies that she likes someone else and that she loves me, this is now making me confused, now earlier this morning (21/04/2011) she spoke in her sleep saying she was thinking a lot about this person and it is really concerning me, my main question is does she want me because she grew up without her father and she wants me there for ours or what.

What a difficult place to be in. I think one way of understanding this is that you are both confused about the level of commitment needed to sustain the relationship. It also seems that the two of you may not be able to deal effectively with communicating these truths. If a child were not involved you would be able to deal with this by simply moving on, but the truth is the two of you will have to communicate over your child whether you are together or not.

I would strongly suggest a couples counselor because there are a great many unresolved feelings that need to be identified and dealt with. This will help you not only if you decide to stay together, but also if you decide to separate and continue making decisions for your child.

If she is unwilling to enter couples therapy I would suggest you begin individual therapy to sort through the issues evoked by all of this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Bad Is It For A Grown Woman To Move Home?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW September 11th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I recently got laid off, and right now my rent is almost due.  My brother thinks that if I can’t find a job I should move home, actually scratch that, he thinks I should be home even if I have a job. My mom passed away a month ago, and he’s afraid that my father doesn’t want to be alone.  Regardless of the fact that my dad says that he wants his space now, my brother can’t seem to get that.  Also I told him that if I have a job, and can pay my own way, what difference does it make where I live?  He said that I should be at home to save money.  He thinks it will be permanent, and my Dad and I say temporary. I don’t understand that since I am 41, my brother should have no say in what I do and don’t do with my money, but when I try to tell him, he gets all mad at me and says that I am selfish.  I don’t understand why he is doing this to me, he says it will be better for both me and my father, but I disagree, my father yes, but not me.  How do I make him understand that what I do with my finances is my business and as long as I don’t get help from anyone he has no say in it.

I am sorry about your job loss and the death of your mother last month. That is a lot of transitions in a short period of time. It sounds like you are very clear that you don’t want to move home, if at all possible. So my question for you is why do you care so much about pleasing your brother? You are 41 years old and the great thing about being an adult is that you don’t have to have discussions that you don’t want to have, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.  You can’t make your brother understand your point of view, but you can show him that your finances are not his business by not discussing it with him, and by letting go of trying to gain his approval. What are you afraid of if your brother is mad at you or thinks that you are selfish right now?

It sounds to me that he’s less worried about your money issues and more worried about your dad who now lives alone and just lost his companion. Having you move home may be an easy way to alleviate his worries about your father living alone because it makes sense logically to him. “You’re unemployed so why don’t you move home to save money and take care of dad?” seems to be his message to you. You are both talking about the topics instead of the emotions that go along with the death of a parent and concern about the parent who’s left behind.

I suggest that instead of trying to get his approval or convince him that it’s not good for you to move in with dad, you cut right to the core issue which seems to be exploring together how the two of you are going to work together to help dad through his grief and loneliness, and to make sure that he is safe and taken care of, and how you can support each other at this time of loss.

Take good care of you and yours.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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I think he’s lost interest

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met this guy 8 months back. We have been in the process of “just” talking and getting to know each other for 8 months now. He still hasn’t asked me out to be his official girlfriend and when I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship or not he just said “I really want to but i’m just not feeling it”…so i say “maybe you’re just not interested in me”…and he says “no that’s not it”…so I say “are you leaning more towards no or yes”…and he said “I don’t know i’m in the middle”…

I am confused and hurt because I feel like he lost interest in me because for the past 3 months we haven’t been intimate but we were when we first met. But I am confused because he won’t say it straight up to me if he just wants to be friends or not. He also still takes me out on dates and takes me to go hangout with his guy friends. what should I do?…I really want to be in a relationship with him…

Also lately hes been having dreams of sleeping with girls or being in a room with a bunch of girls…and it bothers me because I feel like hes craving for it but not with me…also for the past 3 months I have been only giving him oral…he doesnt touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand. I want to talk about it to him but I don’t want to seem to be nagging him. We talk still…and we use to flirt a lot but I just feel like now he’s backing away but yet he’s still nice to me so I don’t really know how to interpret that…is he using me or is he not?….also my friends tell me that they see him out partying and they see him talk to other girls like he’s single and he’s not talking to anyone…so when i do tell them that we are still talking they get really surprised because of the way he acts…

I just don’t want to seem like im overreacting for no reason…because he is a nice guy and he doesn’t like to be mean to girls so he just kind of does whatever they want in a kind way…but i am confused…I really want to talk to him about it if he just wants to be friends now or whats up…but i don’t know how to do it so it doesnt seem like im nagging him…please help 🙂

I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. He’s lost interest. You’re also probably right that in an attempt to be “nice” and to not hurt you, he is hurting you. I don’t think he is necessarily using you. He just doesn’t seem to know how to say a clear “no” to you. He drops hints by telling you his dreams and by making sure your friends see him flirting with others. He drops a mega-hint by not giving back during sex. He probably hopes you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and break up with you.

Do both of you a favor: Take a big, big step back from this relationship. Face it that he isn’t returning your feelings. It will hurt for awhile but staying in a relationship of unrequited love will hurt more. Get back into being single so that you can meet someone who is going to love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend caught me flirting and attacked me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend of three years and I have had a rocky relationship. We enjoyed the usual bliss when we first got together, however after talk of serious commitment came up and we moved out together last year, I saw an ugly side of him rear up! He mentally and physically abused me, and I felt trap with him because of our lease and my continued feelings of conflicted affection and love for him. Finally, after he told me that he wanted to break up last October, despite still living together, I began to mentally distance myself from him to avoid being hurt furthermore.

However, he has since made amends and has requested to be invited into my life again. I see the man I initially fell in love with, and I know he’s trying very hard to make up for all the cruel things he did to me. But I’m still unable to completely connect with him, which feels very out of character for me because I was always the one in the past 100 percent committed to our relationship. Now I feel very indecisive about my relationship with him and it’s eating away at me.

I’ve been going out with friends more often and excluding him from my social outings. In fact, I feel very awkward and cannot relax if he’s involved. Others also notice that I get tense and that he himself is socially awkward in general. So, last weekend I went to a house party hosted by close friends- and ‘he’ was unexpectedly there. There is another guy/ friend I’ve been spending time with a lot lately, and he and I get along very well. We share a lot of common interests and each evening I’m out with him my cheeks burn from genuinely smiling and laughing all night! I knew better not to lead him on because I really care for this man, and I don’t want to harm him with my complicated life- but against my better judgment I’ve betrayed that I am very okay with him flirting with me. In fact, I know he’s in love with me…

Sunday afternoon my boyfriend happened across a flirty text message on my phone from this guy that was incriminating (however not unforgivable as nothing physical has happened). But my boyfriend flipped out and I saw his ugly side appear again. He took my phone forcefully and took the internet modem and tried to trap me/ keep me from communicating with the outside world. He even tried to prevent me from dressing so I could not leave. My car was at my parents place so I was without a vehicle to escape. I felt very vulnerable. I tried to explain what happened but my boyfriend was in such a rage that I was afraid he would hurt me again, so I ran out in the rain to a nearby restaurant that my friend’s husband works at. Luckily he was working an afternoon shift and he gave me his car keys so I could seek refuge.

I’d never wanted to involve my friends or family in my relationship problems, mainly because I am embarrassed about how I’ve let my boyfriend intimidate me in the past. And I had always felt like I was able to handle it on my own, however I’m realizing now that I need help. But also, I don’t want them to worry. And of course they do worry about me, they care about me and it now seems that I’m suddenly hearing unanimous negative opinions about him from them. My brother in particular does not want me to forgive my boyfriend at all. I know they will support me no matter what I decide, but this adds a lot of pressure to repairing the relationship.

My boyfriend has apologized for being out of line on Sunday. He even took the time to send an apology to my friend who had sent me the flirtatious text message (because my boyfriend had sent him a handful of name-calling texts while in the possession of my phone… invading my privacy). Since returning home last night, my boyfriend seems even more so eager now to please me and treat me right. I don’t know how long this will last though, until the next episode- however I do feel responsible for provoking the fight by being disloyal. But in any case, he has never handled stress well and I am not so confident that he will ever be able to… am I a bad person for losing faith in him?
A part of me really cares for my boyfriend, I truly love him, but I think I recognize that this is the same part of me that gets taken advantage of or hurt if I let him back into my heart. The other part of me wants to just wash my hands clean of him and move on. But I am so afraid I may regret leaving him, if perhaps one day we had the potential of being happy together again.? He was my best friend at one time, and I really miss that.

This May our lease will be up and I’ve made it clear to my boyfriend that if I don’t see a future for us by then, we should go separate ways.

I hesitate to offer direct advice in this column because there is often so much I don’t know (and can’t know) when my only source of information is a letter. But in this case, I’ll venture the opinion that you should get out. What you are talking about is domestic violence. Your instincts to not reconnect are correct. Yes, I know there are sweet sides to him. I kow there are times when he is a loving and supportive partner. But you can’t relax into this relationship. You are always walking on eggshells, braced for the next temper tantrum. No, you are not a bad person for not having faith in him. You are sensible.

You may find it harder than you think it will be to separate from this relationship. Here’s the website for a domestic violence program in your city. The hotline is 800-640-0333. Please give them a call to see what they can offer in the way of support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Therapist Looks Like A Skeleton

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW August 5th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I don’t know what to do. I have been seeing my therapist for 3 years. I suffer with body image issues and distorted eating. My therapist has always been thin/healthy. Sometimes her weight drops and I am very sensitive to it. We have talked about it before and I am very open with it if I feel triggered by her. I saw her today and she looks like an eating disordered patient. She said she is aware of it and working on it. She said she has medical issues that make her body do things if she’s not careful and stress plays a part. I believe she is OK and she will work at getting back up to a healthy weight, but its really hard for me to make sense of. Why can she look like that but I have to work to keep myself healthy? Why are such high expectations put on me that she doesn’t live up to? She is my biggest role model, and all I can think of at this moment is starving myself until I look like her. She is happy, successful, smart, has a family and is pretty. She said, “I hope you’re not jealous of this (her body)” and she said that she wished she was in a different place. I just can’t get the picture of her out of my mind. Oh and she’s been getting sick a lot recently. It scares me. I want her to be healthy. She’s MY motivation to be healthy. But when she’s not…my motivation goes away and I want to restrict. How do I make sense of this?

Wow. What a tough situation! I want to validate your confusion about how to make sense of your therapist’s weight loss. It sounds like you’ve handled this things well so far by being open with your concern for her health, and talking about how her weight loss is impacting your recovery process. It’s scary when someone close to you is obviously ill and I’m glad that you are asking for help to deal with your concerns.

I can hear that on one level you trust that your therapist is addressing the problem, and on another level you’re angry about the double standard — she can be at a seemingly unhealthy weight and you’re expected to be at a healthy weight. While it is normal to be concerned about your therapist, I think there may be more for you to learn about yourself and your relationship patterns.

Your comment that you can’t get the picture of her out of your mind may be a sign that you’re too focused on her. I’m curious, have you had other close relationships where you’ve focused on their problems or issues in a way that negatively impacted you? Core relationship patterns and emotional wounds often replay themselves in clients’ feelings and thoughts about their therapist. You may want to explore these patterns with your therapist.

Just like children who idealize their parents eventually come to realize that their parents aren’t perfect, it sounds like you are experiencing a similar realization with your therapist. Instead of seeing her as the epitome of health, her drastic weight loss has knocked her off of the pedestal of perfection in your eyes.  There may be some grieving that goes along with acknowledging that your role model isn’t everything you hoped she’d be.

It’s time for you to work toward developing an internal source of motivation for health and recovery instead of relying solely on your therapist for your motivation. Ultimately, who you are and who you want to become are defined and chosen by you, not by any external source. You are stronger than you think you are.

Keep the dialogue with your therapist focused on you and trust that she’s aware and taking care of her own struggles. If after a few months she’s not improving and you are still frequently triggered by her appearance, it may be time to talk to your therapist about transferring to another therapist.

Thanks for writing in and I wish you well in your continued recovery.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Wife Extremely Paranoid Out of the Blue

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 9th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

7 weeks ago my wife had a full hystorectomy done because she had really bad abdominal pains. almost 2 weeks ago (wednesday) i came home from work and she was crying and was very emotional and wouldnt stop talking about her past and her family. i expected this kind of behavior considering the surgery and comforted her. this went on for a few days. then she became fully convinced that our neighbor (her best friend) wanted her to call child protective services on her husband because of abuse. the strange thing was she never actually talked to friend about it. this idea then began taking over everything she did and she couldnt really fuction and was confused a lot of the time. we also have twin boys which are 3yrs of age and she is a stay at home mother. so finally her friend and i sat her down and had a long talk about her conserns regaurding her friend’s family (sunday). everything seemed to be fine after that..for a couple days. tuesday afternoon hit and i was to be away on a trip for 10 days. i thought she was fine. she was acting like herself again. well on wednesday i got a call from my fist sergeant (i am in the air force) saying my wife was on base and asking for help because her friend’s husband was trying to hurt our kids. she thought that while she and our boys were sleeping he broke into our house, physically abused my sons, then left. she was convinced that my boys have bruises on them. well, she was escorted to the ER and i called a buddy of mine to watch the boys for me untill i was able to catch the next flight back home. she has been in the hospital for 4 days and they are still trying to figure out what is wrong with her. this was out of the blue. i mean it was like a light switch that went off in her head. even when i go and visit her she is absolutely convinced that her friend’s husband is trying to hurt our boys. when in fact is our boys were never hurt and he isnt an abuser. i guess my question is what can cause this. she was normal up untill that one night i came home from work. i miss my wife.

Anecdotally, I am aware of several cases in which a woman has had a medical procedure, such as a hysterectomy or a cesarean section, and experienced a psychotic episode very soon thereafter. It is as though the medical procedure triggered the psychological event. Another possible explanation is that the medical procedure was psychologically traumatizing, thus triggering the psychotic episode. Unfortunately, those theories are virtually impossible to test.

You may never know why your wife has developed her symptoms but what’s most important is that she receives the best possible treatment. She has been in the hospital and fortunately has likely been evaluated by a psychiatrist and members of his or her treatment team. Speak to them about the best way to treat her symptoms. They will likely suggest medication. Medication only works if the patient is willing to take it. Upon her discharge, it will be important for you to ensure that she takes her prescribed medication. The medication can reduce or eliminate her symptoms.

Also inquire about other types of treatment. Speak to the hospital social worker to review the possibilities. Therapy may be an option.

Make sure the hospital staff develops a comprehensive discharge plan that involves followup appointments with community or private mental health agencies. Other important factors involved in helping your wife recover and remain stable should include decreasing stress and having a supportive network of friends and family. Stress can trigger psychological events and therefore it is important that she feels calm and relaxed. Having a supportive network of friends and family can have a buffering effect in that it can reduce the likelihood of future psychological events.

You would also benefit from having support. Connect with your local National Alliance of Mental Illness (NAMI) support groups either online or in person.

I hope that you are able to “get your wife back.” I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Curious About Amnesia Part of DID

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 10th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am curious about the amnesia part of DID. I seem to have different people who live inside me. Unlike what I know about DID, though, we all know about each other. We don’t always but occasionally we do talk to each other. I might comfort the child that is sad or the watchful one might tell me their impression of someone. We don’t forget what’s going on when one of the others is controlling the body. For instance, when I feel threatened or insulted a stronger person will stand in. I don’t disappear or anything I just seem to switch awareness into someone that has a different way of thinking, feeling, and behaving.

I don’t know exactly what losing time means. I don’t wake up in strange places or find clothes I’ve never purchased. The most I can say I’ve experienced is doing something and it feels like 15 minutes have passed but when I look at the clock 3 hours have gone by. This does happen a lot. I also sometimes forget where I put something and when I find it I don’t remember moving it.

I have been diagnosed with PTSD. I have no memory of my life from before the age of about 15 but after that age I know I was being severly abused and neglected and assume it had been going on for quite a while. While I know this affects my life in a serious way the PTSD diagnosis just doesn’t make a lot of sense with everything else because I don’t have flashbacks and I don’t have nightmares. I do avoid any in depth discussion about it though. I also wonder if the identity problems are more of a BPD kind of thing.

I would really like to know what is going on with me and any information you might be able to give would be GREATLY appreciated.

From such a short letter it is difficult to determine if PTSD is the correct diagnosis. It very well may be but dissociative identity disorder (DID) is also a realistic possibility. It is not uncommon for individuals to have both DID and PTSD. In fact, some studies have shown that among individuals diagnosed with DID, the majority have a secondary diagnosis of PTSD.

According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM) for mental health disorders the diagnostic criteria for a DID diagnosis includes:(1) the presence of two or more identities; (2) at least two of these identities recurrently take control of the person’s behavior; and (3) having an inability to recall personal information. Your specific symptoms include having no memory of your childhood; a history of severe abuse; a recognition of other possible personalities (often referred to as identity alteration); and time loss experiences. Generally speaking, your symptoms are in line with a DID diagnosis.

I would strongly encourage you to be evaluated by someone who has experience treating dissociative disorders or trauma. One of the main difficulties with DID, and dissociative disorders in general, is that individuals may be experiencing symptoms they are not fully aware of. This is why it is important to seek outside assistance from trained mental health professionals. It would also be beneficial to educate yourself about DID. A quick Amazon.com or Barnes & Noble search could help you to identify helpful resources.

While I cannot offer a reliable diagnosis over the Internet, I do believe that dissociative disorder is a possibility. A psychiatric evaluation is the quickest strategy for determining an accurate diagnosis and more importantly to guide you to effective treatments. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Sister is Ruining the House

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 23rd, 2020
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My sister has self-diagnosed and is using that to get her way. She has started seeing a therapist, but all she does is use what the therapist says to again get her way.

Examples of this are how she takes great liberties in telling me anything she wants, and then claiming “You can’t tell me I can’t say that to you, because my therapist says I am allowed to have an opinion.” She doesn’t work or go to school, she likes to sleep strange hours (5 am to about 3 pm) and then claim her bad mood is because she can’t sleep. She can’t clean, cook, do laundry; she’s constantly trying to force all of us to do things for her (like yelling at me if I don’t feel like getting her clothing downstairs, or getting mad at my mother for not washing the right bra). But while this is all old news, since she’s started seeing this therapist, she’s gotten worse. We had a fight the other day, because my food on the kitchen table came within 1 foot of her underwear (the problem here CLEARLY being that the underwear were on the table… but she did not see it this way), she has decided to start name calling, and she barricaded me in the kitchen the other day because I told her she wasn’t allowed to call me names. While she is terrible to everyone in the house, she is the worst with me because even though I am 22 years old, she has decided that I am in need of guidance and that she should be the one to do it. Between her checking my outfits and throwing fits if she does not approve, and her observing my eating habits, I am obviously at the end of my rope (I should point out I don’t dress provocatively and I am a personal trainer and my eating habits are beyond healthy)

Something is obviously wrong with her. While I cannot do anything to change that, life is terrible in this house. My mother has given up and she sleeps a lot. The house is filthy and no one bothers to clean it because there is no point… my sister just dirties it up again within the hour. I have started getting stomachaches and headaches whenever she is home, which is always. I cry a lot, and am starting to get mean because I feel like a bear in a cage. I tried talking to my mother about this but she just cried and told me if she knew we would all be this unhappy, she would never have had us. It is interfering with my social life, my work, and my relationships…

I have no idea what to do anymore, or whom I can call for this. Shouldn’t her Therapist know what’s happening? What does someone do when they are terrorizing the household?

Thank you for your time.

I do not know what is wrong with your sister, but one thing is certain. She doesn’t realize that whatever the therapist is saying to her is equally true for others in the household. Of course she is entitled to an opinion, but so are you. The difficulty is with your sister’s interpretation, not the advice she is getting. Think about it. She misinterprets everyone and everything in the home and twists it to her advantage. Doesn’t it make sense she will simply do the same with information she gets from the therapist? She is the cause of the turmoil in her life, not anyone else. But to get her to understand that may take a long time, if ever.

I would recommend two things. First, each time she does something “off” and uses her self-aggrandized interpretation, be clear with her that you have the same rights, and don’t see it the same way, and that you have as much right to your opinion /perspective as she does. Do not let her bully you into anything. Confront her at every turn, every event, and every inappropriate comment. Reclaim your personal power with her. Don’t let her pathology usurp your individuality.

It is also time for you to develop a personal plan to move out of the house. It might take a year, but you need a concrete plan for moving out and on with your life.

You indicated you were a personal trainer. What would you suggest to a client who wanted to be healthy, but everyone they lived with smoked in the house every day and they were complaining that their clothes and hair smelled bad and they had started developing a cough? You would encourage them not to allow smoke to be blown in their face, but to make plans to live somewhere else. No matter how healthy you are, if you go back into that kind of environment it isn’t going to be okay. This is the emotional equivalent.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m Depressed and No One Knows

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW December 2nd, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

First off I would like to thank you for taking the time out to help me. But the problem is I’m depressed but nobody knows it. Half the reason I am is because I have no really close friends to hang out with or etc. While everybody is usually going to the movies, the beach, or somewhere fun I’m at home. My mother has started to notice it, she always suggests I hangout with my friends but truth is I don’t have the heart to tell her I don’t really have any. It started at the age of 11 when I started to notice I didn’t have a lot of friends like all the other kids did.

I have tried on several attempts to makes friends, but all miserably failed. I try not to be clingy or to appear desperate. I think I have been cursed not to have any friends and it kills me every single day. I don’t wanna go talk to a counselor in person, it makes me feel even more abnormal. And I don’t wanna tell my parents because they’ll feel bad for me and I hate it when people feel sympathy for me.

I’m just tired of feeling so alone all the time, I mean it used to not bother me as bad but now that I’m getting older it really has taken a toll on me. I just wish I had somebody to talk to, or to share my feelings with. I’ve tried to make friends before but I’m probably what you could call a “outcast” I don’t really fit in and it really does bug me.

Another reason why I’m depressed is I get made fun of a lot. Every time I got to school I get called fat, ugly, pig, horse face, I know I shouldn’t let it bother me but it does. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel like just running to the bathroom and cry my eyes out. Getting made fun of has really taken a toll on my confidence as well. I used to be really confident now I can’t even stand looking at myself in the mirror.

Another thing is I always compare myself to my cousins. I mean I’m the youngest of the family. All of my cousins are gorgeous, have an abundance of friends. They always have someone took talk to. They don’t know it but their the only ones I hang out with. I haven’t been to an actual friends house in over a year. Which is pretty bad if your my age. I just wish I could be happy and perfect like they are.

Thank you for listening and really do hope you respond, because the truth is this is my only hope. And again thank you for taking the time out to read my “story”.

Thanks for reaching out for help so you can start to feel better. It is painful, especially during the teen years, to be excluded from peers and to feel on the outside of social events.  I feel bad that you’ve been so mistreated by your peers. No one deserves to be bullied, made fun of and tormented, including you. If this is happening at school, please reach out to a counselor or administrator so they can help put a stop to this cruel behavior and make sure that they keep your identity private so you don’t have to suffer retaliation from peers. Their behavior is unacceptable.

I’m curious about your comment, “I hate it when people have sympathy for me.” Sympathy and empathy are ways that people express love and concern for you, which is what we all ultimately want and need. I know it feels like a huge risk, but the only way to help the loneliness is to let someone in and share your painful feelings with — your parents, or a trusted teacher or school counselor. Please let someone know how down and alone you feel. Please talk to your parents about your depression and ask them for help in finding a counselor in your area who works with adolescents. Also, your parents or counselor can help you find an adolescent therapy group to help you practice relating to peers in positive ways, help you understand why relationships are so difficult for you, and develop the skills to build and maintain strong friendships.

It’s hard to believe, but your life can get better and you can have meaningful relationships, but the first step is to let someone in your life know about your pain and ask them for help.

Take good care of yourself.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Arranged Marriage or Wait For Love?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW December 4th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hi. At last I have found one good place to open up myself.  I’m going through the very common quarter life crisis… And I’m really confused.

A little of background about me. I’m from India and 26 old.  As typical orthodox family in India my parents started seeing for marriage proposals. During the same time I started liking a friend in my office. It was around after 3 months I felt within very strong feeling towards him. I proposed to him but he was not ready for commitment. I decided to wait for him and be friends with him. But after that he happened to meet a gal and she fell in love with him and proposed him too. Things went worse in my life – seeing her being and mad about him. After 2 and half yrs. he decided to go ahead with other gal and coincidentally my parent were able to find a good marriage proposal at the same time. He got married to other gal and i went ahead with my parents. After this, the marriage proposal also didn’t go well, as I found the guy to be very rude and never understanding me. I decided to quit it and conveyed to my parents, and after a lot of discussions, my parents dropped it.

During all these tough time in life I had a very good friend who supported me and understood me and cared for me a lot who proposed me for marriage as well but I never had any feelings for him more than as a friend. I’m really confused what I should do. I always wanted my life partner to be as a good friend and lover and I’m not sure whether my feelings would change towards him. Any guidance?? Please help me. I’m really worried to go ahead with my parents marriage proposal again. I don’t like anyone in my life now.

What a difficult situation you’re in. While I am unfamiliar with the cultural norms of arranged marriages in India, I do know that it’s painful to have a man you love choose to marry someone else. If I’m understanding your question correctly, you’re wondering if you should marry your “good friend” with the hope that romantic feelings develop, or if you should go ahead with the arranged marriage with to a man who doesn’t treat you well. A man who treats you poorly during courtship is likely to continue to mistreat you after marriage. If your parents agreed to “drop” the arranged marriage after you shared your concerns with them, then I suggest you let go of that relationship for good and seek out other options for marriage.

There is a third option I’d like to suggest and that is to not move forward with either option. Please take some time and figure out what you value most in your life and what you want in your relationships. The decision to marry is one of the biggest and far-reaching decisions you’ll ever make. You may want to consider continuing to date your “very good friend” nonexclusively and see if any deeper feelings develop, while you continue to meet other people. While romantic feelings can develop over time, there’s no guarantee that they will. Since it seems that your parents responded to your concerns before, I encourage you to consult them again and ask for their help in finding other men to court.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Scared to See A Therapist For My Eating Disorder

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW June 19th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I started out with anorexia but now am bulimic/anorexic and have been this way for about 3 yrs now. I am on a binge/purge cycle and have purged everyday at least since November. One person knows about my ED and I am so scared to get help even though I know that I need it. I am fully aware of the dangers of bulimia. I am being treated for one of the symptoms of bulimia, which is passing out because of malnutrition. However, the doctors did not figure out that it is due to an ED. I’m 18 so I can get help without my family knowing which is a big deal for me because I can not let them know. They have a lot to deal with right now plus my mother does not really understand how to deal with things. Shes Bipolar and every once in a while has a Schizophrenic episode. I am scared of my father and stay away from him so I can’t tell him either, my whole family dynamic is screwy. However, I am considering getting help for my ED. What should I expect if I do decide to go to a therapist? What kind of questions will they ask me. Thanks for your help.

First of all, I’m so glad that you are considering eating disorder treatment because the fact that you are passing out means that you are not only suffering from psychological problems but that you are in physical danger too. Please disclose your eating disorder to your physician so he or she can be a resource for you and can help you find a psychotherapist or eating disorder treatment center.

While every therapist is different, I can give you a general idea of what to expect on your initial evaluation session. The initial session is an assessment where you’ll sit down in the therapist’s office and talk about what brings you to therapy; you’ll get a feel for the therapist’s style.  This session will include filling out some paperwork – a mental health and family relationship history, rating scales or a brief checklist to establish a baseline to track your progress, and a release of information so your therapist can communicate and coordinate care with your physician and request your medical records, if needed. After gathering this information, the therapist will give you a diagnosis and make treatment recommendations. The recommendations may include outpatient psychotherapy, intensive outpatient psychotherapy, or inpatient treatment.

As you seek a therapist, make sure you find one who specializes in treating eating disorders. A great resource to find a therapist is available at the top of this page by clicking the Find Help link. Another excellent resource is EDReferral.com and they have several eating disorder therapists listed in your state. It can be helpful to meet with a few different therapists so you can find one you feel most comfortable talking with and you feel most confidence in.  Just like any other relationship, you’ll click with some therapists over others. Consider your physical symptoms as warning signs telling you that you need to address this problem now. Please, don’t wait to get help.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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My Boyfriend has No Sexual Desire: Is this Normal?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 1st, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. Ive been with my boyfriend for 3 years now, and before we got together, he warned me that before we had intercourse, not to be ‘alarmed’ if he didnt come as he said it usually takes him several hours to do so. I then credited myself thereafter as everytime we had intercourse he orgasmed.
Recently things have actually stopped. I have a very high sex drive and it has got to the point that he can not be bothered to have sex as it “takes too long”. Ive asked him to masturbate more often so that he can feel comfortable doing it himself, and he has no interest at all due to it taking so long, and putting him off.

I have tried EVERYTHING to get him stimulated, sexy underwear, toys, etc, but still nothing seems to get him going. He said that its not me, and that hes always been like this but It wasnt like this before. only recently. I feel so unattractive and am scared that he isnt interested in me although he reassures me that he loves me more now than ever. so why is it so hard to have sex with me?! It doesnt help that i have such a high sex drive, and is causing a lot of arguments between us. If it wasnt for this, our relationship would be perfect.
please help!

The level of sex drive varies from guy to guy. On one end of the spectrum are guys who never seem to be satisfied. On the other end are guys like yours who have little to no sex drive. It is estimated that as many as 20% of males are on the lower end. You’re not alone in this. And it most probably has nothing to do with you! The reason he was able to perform in the early stages of your relationship is that the romance was new and nature was responding. That’s not unusual either.

What is unusual in this case is your boyfriend’s acceptance of the situation. Before he resigns himself to little sex in his life, he might want to talk with his doctor. Medical causes of low libido include: low testosterone levels, high prolactin levels, pre-diabetes, hypertension, or chronic fatigue – to name only a few. If he is medically healthy, there might be a psychological problem like depression, inadequate skills for managing stress, or reaction to a past traumatic experience.

Needless to say, you can’t argue someone out of a medical or psychological problem. Instead, express your love and concern and see if he is responsive to finding out just why he isn’t able to enjoy this part of life with you. Explain that there may be good reasons why he is unresponsive sexually and that it’s important to you to make sure he is medically and emotionally healthy. Once you have that information, the two of you will be better able to decide what to do. It may be treatable. It may not be.

if there is a condition that makes it unlikely he’ll want sex more often, can he take pleasure in pleasuring you? Can you accept that it’s really okay for sex to be one sided most of the time. If your relationship is perfect outside of this one area, do think it through carefully.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Family hates me and treats me badly

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 23rd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been depressed since I was 9. I’m 13 now. I’ve always had real bad health problems. And my family has always treated me like a piece of crap. But recently it’s gotten worse. My grandma’s friend told my grandma a lie about me claiming I said ‘I’d cut off girls’ fingers if they came into my room! now this is a total lie. I would actually like it if a girl came into my room xD.

My grandma believed this and convinced my entire family that this was true. Then my grandma listened to another lie that my great uncle told her. He claimed that ‘I said I was going to blow my mom up’ I never said such thing. And of course my grandma believed it and convinced my family of it also. My family now thinks I’m a devil child. My grandma thinks I’m going to be a serial killer. My mom thinks I deserve to die. My dads still cool. And the rest of my family treat me like I should have never been born.

But I can’t tell my family I’m depressed cause they think that anyone who doesn’t think life is always perfect should go to hell. I’ve told a few friends about my depression and they’ve helped me a Lot. But then this happened and I just don’t know what to do anymore

It sounds like you’ve already had more to handle than someone who is only 13 should. You didn’t mention the kind of health problems you’ve had. Chronic or serious illness is enough to get anyone down. Sometimes too there are long term effects of the medicines or anesthesia (if you had to have surgery) that look and feel like depression. If that weren’t enough, for reasons neither you nor I understand, the very people who should be a source of warmth and comfort are instead blaming you and labeling you in negative ways. It must hurt terribly.

I don’t know what’s going on with the family. I do know you can’t manage this on your own. You need someone who can help your family hear you. Ideally, you would all get into family therapy. But if the family is the kind that would never consider it, do at least enlist your school guidance counselor or a trusted teacher or some other adult who is willing to help sort things out. You could also ask your doctor for a few minutes in private to explain what is going on and to ask for some help.

Meanwhile, develop an active life with supportive friends outside the family. If you feel good about yourself, the accusations and criticisms won’t hurt quite so much. You will know that you’re okay even if you don’t get the support and validation you should be getting from the family. Join a team or club. Eat right, get at least 8 hours of sleep a night, and make sure you get some exercise every day to combat the depression. Turn yourself into the kind of guy that other kids respect. Good friends are the best medicine for a disappointing family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
.

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I Read my Boyfriend’s Emails

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 26th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m writing because my boyfriend and I have a lot of problems in the one year we’ve been together. Six months ago we went on a “break” because I wanted to live with him but he didn’t want to live with me. Even though I didn’t want to end it, the arguments we had over the living together issue seemed to push him to the point of wanting to leave.

After two horrible months of being on a break, things turned around and my boyfriend decided he wanted to be with me again. But around the time we went on a break, I figured out how to read my boyfriend’s emails. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have, but I was at my wit’s end because I just wanted to be with him and didn’t know what to do.

In his emails, he writes most candidly to his best friend. Even before we were having problems, it seems he and his friend liked to joke about him not being with me. It’s a running theme in all their emails to each other that I’m a ball and chain and that his friend would prefer it if my boyfriend were single like him.

A lot of things I’ve read have made me really uncomfortable. Like my boyfriend describing how “hot” these two girls he ran into were. Or his friend joking about my boyfriend getting as much “break up” sex from me as he can. I also learned that a girl actively pursued my boyfriend while we were on a break and his friend encouraged my boyfriend to sleep with her while he was still sleeping with me; in the emails my boyfriend jokes about how hard it was for him to turn her down (in real life, he’s told me about this girl, but acts like he was never attracted to her, etc).

Beyond all this, the WAY my boyfriend and his friend talk to each other disgusts me. I know men talk to each other differently than they do with women, but it really makes me wonder what my boyfriend’s true personality is, because his personality through these emails with his friend seems so completely different.

What saddens me through all of this is that I would never talk about my boyfriend to my friends the way he talks about me to his one best friend in these emails. I think in some way his friend feels threatened by the prospect of my boyfriend being with anyone, and the two of them like to play into this together. It’s almost as if my boyfriend relishes being able to tell his friend bad things about me, as if to prove being in a relationship is silly and he’ll soon be single again.

I’m not sure what to make of it all and would really love any advice. I know I shouldn’t be reading my boyfriend’s emails, but it’s hard because now I feel there’s something about my boyfriend he isn’t portraying to me, like I’m not getting the full truth. I also feel hurt at all the negative things he and his friend have said about me.

Thanks so much if you do end up responding.

Thank you for asking. It is a tough question because of the way you received the information. But you know that already, and the details are too intense to ignore. First let me say something about how men talk to other men about women they are involved with. Men who respect and love their wives and girlfriends see the relationship as an extension of themselves. They don’t trash a woman they love. They might be upset, confused, frustrated, angry, and talk to their friends about what to do, but they don’t go trashing a woman they care deeply about. That tends to happen when there is little or no commitment.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend may not be mature enough for a commitment. But the real question is what do you want to do about this? He has secrets from you and now you do from him.

Couples counseling may be important because if you decide to confront him about reading the emails you can have the advantage of a professional there to guide you through. The risk of not confronting him is that you will carry a resentment. Individual counseling would be important for coping with that. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate either a couples or individual counselor in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Does my Boyfriend Have a Personality Disorder?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 23rd, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been dating my boyfriend for 7 months now and everything started out fine but these last few months I have started noticing a pattern. He has told me absolutely CRAZY stories about himself, for example he is in the mafia, he is really sick with internal bleeding, he has broken ribs because he went to Russia to deal with the mafia, when he was in Russia fighting in a boxing tournament the mafia captured him and turned him into a soldier where he is basically indestructible now, that he had surgery for the internal bleeding, and random people I have never heard of are texting me from his phone (when I really just think its him)but he always seems to remind me to not tell anyone anything! And he told me that he is training with this guy named Ray Trakay and sent me a picture of him and I found the picture of the guy on the internet and it was Ray Lewis (which he happened to have a Ray Lewis app on his Iphone).

So what I’m getting at is that I have been looking up personality disorders and I know I cannot diagnose him but it seems that he has the characteristics of a histrionic personality disorder. And he’s always bragging to me about how girls love him and how he “played” all these girls in high school. And when these girls text him he starts to cry because they wont leave him alone but recently he has acquired the phone number of a girl that was given to her by “Ray Trakay” and he talks to her a lot and apparently shes had such a terrible life ( I’m perfectly fine with him talking to girls…but this one is different) and he tells me how much she reminds him of me.

Then this weekend I found her under his favorites in his phone ( by the way he deletes everything in his phone history, calls, texts, etc.) and I asked him why was this so? And I asked him if he was cheating on me and he totally flipped ( he also has anger problems, BAD) and started screaming and punching things in his truck and was driving like a maniac. We finally pulled over into a parking lot that had semi trailers in it and he began hitting them and threatening to kill anyone that came near him (but me) and then he got his gun out (he has a hand gun that he keeps in his truck) and threatened to kill himself until I finally convinced him that I believed he wasn’t cheating on me. (I’m still not convinced) And he also has a tendency to talk like a baby and tell me “He’s just a baby” I think that is pretty much it though. So any advice you can give me would be great..I’m really worried for his sake and mine. Oh and he’s also been to a psychologist to help with his anger and is taking medicine for it and for anxiety/depression as well. Oh yes I remembered a few more things….he also tells me all the time how he and “everyone else” thinks hes possessed by Satan. And he always pressures me to have sex with him and tries to make me feel guilty when I won’t. I really hope you can answer my question I’m not looking for a diagnosis I’m just looking for some guidance.

It is often the case that individuals have life problems but do not necessarily meet the criteria for any specific mental health disorder. I think this may be the case with your boyfriend. A diagnosis is difficult to pinpoint.

You did not ask a specific question so I will give you my overall impression of the situation. Your concerns, I believe, are correct. There are many aspects of his behavior that are troublesome. He has the propensity to be a danger to himself and or others. Below is a list of major “red flags” that should concern you:

  • his behavior is unpredictable;
  • he becomes uncontrollably angry;
  • he carries a weapon;
  • he has threatened to kill others;
  • he has threatened to kill himself;
  • he is emotionally and psychologically unstable;
  • he believes he is possessed by Satan which is indicative of a possible break with reality; and
  • he is not truthful. He may be either knowingly concocting falsified stories or he believes them to be true. The latter would suggest that he is delusional. He also seems to be paranoid. Delusions and paranoia are signs of psychosis.

You seem to be concerned about your safety. It is good that you are not ignoring the safety risk but you may be minimizing the potential danger of the situation. This is a relationship that you should consider terminating immediately. Do not hesitate to call the police if you believe that he may harm you, himself or others. Report any threats that he makes against you to the authorities immediately. I would also recommend becoming knowledgeable about the local domestic violence shelters or respite facilities and the procedures for a protection of abuse order (often referred to as “PFA”). You should be prepared if you need to utilize these services.

Encourage him to continue his psychological treatment and medications. You should also consider reporting his behavior to his psychiatric treatment team. Due to privacy laws, they may be unable to discuss the details of this case with you but there is no law against reporting his behavior to them. That information is important and it can help the treatment team to better understand his case.

As I described above, there are many aspects of his behavior that are worrisome and place you in potential danger. If you have a specific question, please do not hesitate to write again. Please be safe and take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dad was abusive to me as an adult

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 3rd, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

A couple of months ago my dad came over to halp me with my house. I asked him about a ladder that he left at my house. He began yelling over me and not listening to me and we got into an argument. When he was about to say that he was going to leave, I beat him to it and said that he should leave my home. To this he responded by calling me a “selfish ungreatful little b.” When I responded in shock that I couldn’t believe he was now calling me names he said, “I am only telling the truth of what you really are… A selfish ungreatful b.”

At this time we were working on painting a room, so there really wasn’t a lot of room in the room we were painting. I went to walk by him and get out of the room, and he took me by the foearms and pushed me up against the wall. At that point I felt threatened and wanted to get out of the room. He was blocking my way out so as I was walking by, I used the side of my body to push him out of my way as I was trying to walk out of the room. He then he put one hand around my neck and the other hand between my neck and my shoulder and pushed me up the wall again.

At this point I was yelling “What are you doing? What is wrong with you? Get out of my home!” We were both by the door at this point, and he was blocking my way out. He then lunged to come at me again and I then stood up to him and yelled “What are you going to do now dad, punch me? Go ahead do it! Do it!” I then saw the rage snap out of his eyes. He then turned around and said that he had to get his stuff in a calm voice. I said to him calmly that I could not believe what happened and that I feel like I can’t even have a rational conversation with him anymore. I told him that I was shocked that he actually called me those names (not the first time he called me that name) and got physical with me. He then yelled, “There you go you are going to make this all my fault like you are the victim here!” I told my mom that day and at first she was very supportive and concerned about me and what was wrong with my dad since he had never gotten physically abusive before. After my mom talked to my dad however, she began to become enabling and making excuses for him like, “Well, you know how you can be in an argument. Sometimes you are a bit forceful in your opinions.”

At this time, we had some family events coming up and I told my mom that I didn’t want to see him or hear from him until he at least apologized. She kept me posted on how he was making excuses for himself and how she partially agreed with him. I told her that no matter what I did or will ever do, it is not a reason to be abusive. My dad finally apologized the day before we had a family event. We did not talk about what happened, however, and I feel like the apology was forced to get me to the family event and pretend like nothing was wrong. Ever since then, he has been acting like nothing is wrong and like I should just be over it. I am still extremely hurt and replay the incident and hear his words over and over in my head. I am trying very hard to get over this, but feel like things will never be the same between us and it breaks my heart.

I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I am hurt and therefore angry with both of my parents. My dad for his abuse and my mom for enabling and making excuses for him. Now the little things that they do are just making me more and more upset. How do I handle this? What do I do to make this better for myself and my health and the health of my family?

You’re right that nothing justifies abuse. It’s also true that something like this rarely happens just out of the blue. There’s probably much more to this story. It sounds to me like something has been building up for some time. I also have a guess that it isn’t as black and white as either you or your dad might want to make it. Your mom is caught between you. What would probably be best for the health of you and your family is to get a mediator or family therapist to help you all (you, dad, and mom) hear everyone else out. You live in a city where there are many resources to turn to. Please take the high road and contact someone who can help your family clear the air and mend the relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend is becoming abusive

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 17th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve dated my boyfriend for almost 17 months now, and I love him to death. He means a lot to me, and I would devastated if I ever lost him, but then again, I feel like I have lost him. I’m 16 and he’s 19 and out of school while I’m going to be a junior in high school. In the beginning of the relationship he was so sweet. He would leave me cute messages to wake up to, or call me early in the morning to say “I love you.” and he would say he hoped I had a good day, ect. He would have all kinds of cute things to say to me. He never yelled or started a fight or anything. He actually did anything to avoid one.

For the past few months of our relationship, he’s changed, a lot. He doesn’t go out of his way to do anything for me anymore, while I do a lot for him. Half of the time when I ask him to open up to me, he’s like, “I don’t know what to say..?” I just don’t understand how he can’t think of a single thing to say to me to open up, like he used to. If I get mad, he hangs up will not talk to me for a long time. He used to run after me if I got mad. Whenever we fight, he is constantly saying sorry, and then he’ll go right back to doing whatever made me mad in the first place. He says I’m controlling and I don’t let him have a life because I don’t want him hanging out with this guy who has a drinking and a drug problem.

He’ll scream at me, call me names, telling me he hopes I die, ect. He’ll say anything to me no matter how harsh it sounds. And then later once I’m crying he’ll say he didn’t mean it, he loves me, and that I just really make him angry sometimes. And it feels like the only time he apologizes to me is after I’m crying. That’s when he stops being rude and starts being caring. If I’m not crying, he’ll keep going on and on and on. He’s never actually hit me, but occasionally he’ll break something when he gets mad. He’s already made scenes in front of his own family because he got angry with something I did. If I go out with friends, he’ll start getting cocky and being rude. If I talk to a guy, he starts calling him my second boyfriend, and he’ll get angry.

If I don’t answer my phone right away, he’ll call repeatedly. The one day, I was out with a friend and I didn’t answer my phone when he called. And he called repeatedly. By the time I checked my phone, I had 80 missed calls, 5 texts, and 2 voicemails. Often he’ll go out, tell me he’ll be home later, and then he’ll stay out all night. Every time though he’ll have an excuse as to why I didn’t hear from him. Yet, if I do that, I hear about it for the entire next month. He says everything is my fault because there was one time where I did lie to him, but that was over a year ago and I’ve apologized for it countless times. He says if I wouldn’t have done what I did, we would’ve never started fighting.

He’s 19 years old, he still lives at home with his dad. He never finished high school and didn’t even get his GED. He had a job but got fired. He doesn’t even have a liscence. He keeps constantly telling me, that he’s going to go for his liscence soon and that after he gets it, he’ll go look for a job, and then go for his GED, and then go back to a trade school so he can work with cars as his future job. But he has yet to do any of that and whenever I bring it up, he snaps and starts screaming at me.

He always has something negative to say about everything I do. Whatever tv show I’m watching, he’ll say something along the lines of “That show is retarded. It’s nothing but drama.”, or if I hang out with a certain friend, “She’s fat. She’s a bad influence. She’s nothing but drama.” ect.

Now, I have a job and I have my drivers permit, I’m going for my liscence in a few months. He’s trying to talk me out of getting my liscence because he thinks I should wait until I’m 18 to drive. He says I’m too young to drive and I’ll cause an accident. Whenever I get paid and I tell him, he’ll immediately respond with, “So how much money have you already wasted?” And so on and so forth. I’m so sick of being treated this way.

But he acts abusive, obsessive, controlling, and every time I try to leave he’ll threaten to move far away, or sometimes he’ll threaten to tell my parents anything that I’ve done behind their backs. Yet he claims that he’ll only do that if I ever cheat on him. He makes it extremely difficult to leave him. And often he’ll say “It’s over.”, and then call back and be like “You know I didn’t mean it baby, I love you, of course I don’t want to lose you.” And even though he puts me through all of it, I still care about him. Deeply. And I feel like I’m the one who’s kept him out of trouble, and part of me feels like if I do ever leave him, he’ll screw up his life more than it already is, and I don’t want to see him end up like that.

Any advice? I’m so lost…

This is very hard, isn’t it. You fell in love with a sweet boy. While you’ve been growing up, he’s been regressing. It looks to me like you still love the boy he was rather than the man he has become.

Sometimes people ask me a question they already know the answer to. I think this may be the case here. No one deserves to be screamed at and told horrible things like she should die. You know it. I know it. Even your boyfriend knows it. He knows that you are what stands between him and being a complete failure. But here’s the thing: He needs to deal with his own problems to become the man who is worthy of your love and care.

Please consider taking a break and going out with other people. Enjoy your high school years. They will be over all too fast. If this fellow shapes up (meaning gets his GED, his license, a job and a respectable lifestyle), you can revisit whether you want to be with him. If he doesn’t, you won’t have wasted any more of your time and your life on him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I hate life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 25th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. First of let me just tell you that it’s ok if you don’t want to respond to me, i undestand. If for some reason whoever is reading this actually cares enough to respond heres my problem: I absolutly hate my life A LOT. I don’t get a long with my parents ever. They hate me. I don’t know what to do. I hate how i look. I have no self esteem. I am fat and disgusting and i know i am because even kids at school say it. I have no friends and my sisters are always fighting with me. I have tried to be bulimic. I found a website learning how. I don’t through up everyday, just on really bad days. I sometimes wonder if life would be better if i was dead but then i think of my dog and i dont want to leave her and i dont want to hurt anyone else. so i dont want to die i am actually afraid to. I tried to cut myself before, but i couldnt get up enough nerve. But really who cares about me anyway, right? My teacher sometimes calls me paranoid because i am always afraid that people dont like me. well news flash NO ONE LIKES ME. I dont know who to talk to because i am not good at talking about myself i get embarresed and think there are bigger problems then mine and im not important enough. I m just so tired of being me and i just wanted to know what to do i think i might be depressed. I don’t know but i am angry a lot and i hate my step dad. I hope you can help me a little. I’m sorry if my letter is stupid and i wasted your time.

A. Your letter is in no way stupid or a waste of my time. I am really glad that you wrote. I first want to say that I am sorry that you are so down on yourself. What I find positive about you writing this letter is that you cared enough about yourself to request help. To me, this is very hopeful. Even though your words about yourself were negative, I want to point out that you cared enough about yourself to inquire about how you can stop feeling so depressed. Your inquiry tells me that some where deep inside you, you do really care about yourself and know that you, like everyone else, deserves to feel better. Just by writing this letter, you have already taken a healthy and positive step in the right direction, to end your suffering.

My recommendation for you is to find a counselor. For you, I would specifically suggest seeing the school counselor. Also, you should talk with your mother and step father about your depression and tell them that you want to seek help. It is important that they know how you have been feeling lately, even if you do think they “hate” you. I know that seeking help and talking to your parents will be difficult for you since you mentioned that you feel that your issues are not important enough to warrant help.

You have written this letter and that is a good, first, healthy step. Your letter and my response both confirm the fact that you are experiencing issues that require extra help. Next, I strongly encourage you to take a second, more difficult step. That is, tell your parents about your depression and find a way to get into see a counselor. If you do not want to tell your parents, at the very least go to the school counselor and tell him or her what you have been feeling. Be open and honest with the counselor. Contrary to what believe, you must realize that you are important enough to receive help. Not only are you important enough, but it is your god given right to get that help, to feel better about yourself and to end your daily suffering. Your new mantra after reading this response should go something like this: I do deserve help. Thinking about it from another viewpoint, if your friend wrote this letter to you, asking you for advice, I am sure that you would not tell her that she was not worthy of help. Instead, you’d encourage her to get help or talk to her parents because she deserves to feel better, because she is worthy of help. If it is good advice for your friend, then it is good advice for you. Take care and write again if you have any questions or need further clarification about my response to your letter.

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