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I Don’t Have Anyone to Talk To

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’ll start from the beginning. I was an only child, adopted by an older couple, my parents were very strict, old fashioned and very hard on me, but I never felt abused. I had a lot of friends but no one close so I develop a custom. Whenever I was very sad or very angry I would lock myself in the bathroom and talk with myself in the mirror. The guy in the mirror would be calm and understanding and give me good advice. It was a good way for dealing with problems and by the time I finished college I stop doing it.

Later in life I was very lucky and marry a beautiful and sweet woman and she became the shoulder I would cry on, I would tell her everything. We have been married for 18 years.

About 5 years ago I started having many problems at work, the company grew to fast and we started having problems with our customers and my boss was not happy with me. At home we had money issues, we were spending more than what we made, and I kept telling my wife all my problems. The result: She stopped looking at me as her protector, she stopped looking up to me and eventually she started having feelings for someone else from work.

We deal with this problem as well as we could and eventually decided to continue together but I lost my trust in her, now I don’t tell her any of my problems so she will not see me as a looser but as we live together I feel very alone, I have no one to talk to. I have tried a couple of times to get in front of the mirror and start talking to my self again but is not working. The guy inside the mirror is not there. How can I bring him back? Who can I trust to talk about my problems?

I’m very sorry that you find yourself in such a difficult spot at middle age. You are not at all alone. Many people in midlife these days find that the job market is changing too fast for them to keep up. Trouble at work can spill into every aspect of our lives.

I don’t think resurrecting the guy in the mirror will be helpful. He can only give you the advice you have within you. If you had what you needed in your own brain, you would have solved your problems by now.

You and your wife have somehow lost the ability to work together as a team to solve your current situation. In your discouragement, you are each withdrawing into your own corner and feeling more and more alone. That isn’t helping either of you.

That suggests that the best thing to do is to find outside help. I strongly urge you to find a couples therapist to help you sort out the trust issues and to put your marriage back on solid footing.

An 18 year marriage is absolutely worth trying to save. I strongly believe that people who once loved each other can find that love again — but not without some work. Couples therapy can help the two of you forgive yourselves and each other and re-examine the terms of your relationship so that you can get back on the same team.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Am Left ‘on Hold’ Indefinitely

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I need to clarify what it is that causes such anguish with this person. When I feel I really want or need something from my husband, if it is not mutual, it never comes about. I can ask, I can cry, I can be adamant, I can restate and explain my feelings, but there is no response.

He will explain to a point as to why he is not doing it. His reasons are sometimes acceptable (to a point) but more often, I’m simply left confused. I will give you an example but I must explain that we have been separated for 12 years. He has been living in the Philippines while I have been living in the states. I sought to reestablish something since both of us are in our senior years.

I learned he was living with his married children here in the states and so I contacted him and invited him to come and visit. Both of us were excited to see each other. We made plans. He had some doctor appointments he could not miss. He had no car and no driver’s license and was dependent on his kids for driving him. OK. He’s about 2 hours from me….that was three months ago.

Every time we talk, he has another procedure and must wait. I’ve tried to help him plan his time, suggest he be more assertive with the doctor so as to not make appointment piece by piece, etc. In the meantime, he empathizes with me over the phone; nothing happens. All the signals are there but no action. I’m put on hold indefinitely.

When his last appointment had a three week gap, I jumped on the bandwagon and put my foot down. I could tell he felt cornered so I let it go only to hear him quietly but frustratingly say, “You–you really are a determined woman…” When we hung up, I could feel very intensely the old emotional rage and chaotic pain. It was all too familiar. What is it that is triggering me? It’s more than just him ignoring what I want. Please help me…and thanks.

I respectfully disagree with you. All the signals are not there for reconciliation. Your husband hasn’t changed over the 12 year separation. For reasons you may never understand, he is not able to be the kind of man you want him to be. It must be terribly disappointing.

Now that you are in your 60s, you may have had hopes that the two of you could enjoy each other’s companionship and perhaps care for each other in those senior years. Sadly, those hopes have been dashed — which may be what is “triggering” you. The relationship, such as it is, only exists because you are a “determined woman.” It is dependent on your insistence. Your husband is meeting that powerful force with something just as powerful: passive resistance.

If you want love and companionship, please give up on this man. Make yourself available for someone who wants what you want out of life and who can communicate emotionally as well as verbally. You deserve to have that in your life. But you will only find it if you go out and look for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Husband has low sex drive

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband has a low testosterone levels and low sex drive comes along with that. He also is overweight but in the process of correcting this problem. My question is how I cope with the lack of sex. On average we have sex once or twice a month. Which doesn’t satisfy me at all. I am coping with this by masturbation and sex toys, but I truly just want to have sex with my husband. This has really become a problem and it just seems to be growing. There are testosterone therapy drugs that can be used but they can effect sperm count levels and we hope to have children someday. So using them isn’t an option. We also have infertility issues of Azoospermia, which we are hopeful will change. Which may be also be effecting his low sex drive. I don’t know how to cope with this anymore. This makes me feel so many different things rejected at times, alone, sad, depressed, and most of all frustrated it. Please help I’m desperate, I’m sure we should seek counseling with will be something i will look into. But was hoping to find some helpful tips can do now. Thank you.

 

A:  Thanks for this very relevant question. Many couples struggle with issues concerning their sexual relationship.  I am reminded here of part of the wedding vows “for better or for worse… in sickness and in health,” simply because you mentioned that you are already aware that your husband is experiencing some medical issues that help explain his low sex drive and you also mentioned that he is seeking some treatment options.  I hope this helps you to not personalize the problem and gives you the patience to see the treatments through. 

Most long relationships also go through periods when sexual appetites are out of sync.  The number one factor listed by most sexual health experts leading to greater sexual satisfaction in the bedroom is good communication.  Being able to openly talk to your spouse about intimacy is the best way to improve intimacy.

Intimacy also means much more than just sexual acts.  Many times if couples can increase their connections in other ways, such as holding hands, giving massages, taking showers together, lying in bed talking, playing “get to know each other” games again, and so forth, the quality of their relationship satisfaction dramatically improves.

So my advice is to keep doing what you are already doing, seek couples therapy like you had mentioned, and possibly look into some holistic options that might help without the negative side effects that medications have.  Gingko, for example, is an herb that has shown to help with low sex drive in some folks and there might be others. Good luck with these issues and good luck in starting a family.  I wish you the best.

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Scared Wife Is Detaching from Me

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Well to start off my wife and I have been married for 4 years, and have 2 beautiful children together. The problem started about 2 months ago, I recently got a job that requires me to travel periodically. Got back from a week long trip and I could tell that my wife was acting differently. The next day I asked her about it, she said that she loves me, but not in love with me. We talk about it and I told her I was gonna try to win her back but give her, her space. Two days later she said that she’s in love with me, said that she thinks it was a emotional response for me leaving. Saying she shut down her feeling so she wouldn’t miss me. Fast forward two months and it happens again, same exact thing. Then she throws in there that she doesn’t think that she was in love with me even when we got married. And this time I have to leave for a month for my job. Again we talked about it, she says that she wants to try to work it out, that maybe she’s just not capable of loving someone because of her horrible childhood. But I’m worried that I am going to lose her, and I don’t know how to save it. She doesn’t want to try counseling or anything wants to work it out on our own. Is there anything I can do to bring her back to me, or should I just give her space and back off, and prepare for the worst?? (age 31, from US)

A: You are in a difficult situation. If you push too much, you may push her away, but if you just back off to give her space, she may not feel that you care enough to fight for the marriage. On the positive side, it sounds like these problems really only started around the same time you got the new job requiring travel, so hopefully it is just an adjustment period. It could be that your traveling is triggering some underlying issues for her regarding abandonment — or some other left over issues from her “horrible childhood,” and with time things will stabilize again.

It is unfortunate that she isn’t willing to go to counseling right now, but that doesn’t stop you from going. If you set up some appointments for yourself it might show her how much you really care. It might also help pave the way for her to join you or decide to see someone herself. The therapist can also help you deal with the negative effects of the traveling job and your wife’s response to it.

If things don’t improve in the next few months, you might have to reconsider the job and its effect on your family. Aside from therapy, you might benefit from reading some self-help books on marital problems and childhood abuse and neglect, such as Outgrowing the Pain Together. I hope things work out for the two of you and you are able to work through this difficult time.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Jealous of Husband’s Sister

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

How can I deal with my jealousy to my husband’s relationship to his sister?

We’ve been married for about 20 years with a daughter.

We’ve been recovering from couple crisis caused by my husband’s attempts of cheating me. Seemingly everything was going better between us. But I’ve recently been feeling pain about my husband’s relationship to his sister.

She is three years younger than him, not married without kids. They’ve been very close since their childhood. Almost all my husband’s friends are hers, and she has read almost all the books he has read. I knew their excessive closeness and felt uneasy when we were just dating. But we used to live far from her and I didn’t worry so much until we came to live very close to her place. She often comes to stay in our house. While developing her career, she hasn’t had a stable romantic relationship. She cannot help but consulting with somebody about her insecurity. She has often talked to my husband about her anxiety about her boyfriends, work, etc. My husband is always happy to listen to her to give her an advice. She has also talked much about these things to me for my advice. Understanding her characteristics and situations, also liking her basically as a friend, I had not felt so bad until very recently.

I was shocked to witness:
1. My husband was touching my sister-in-laws’ naked feet while they were sitting next to each other on a sofa, saying “Ah~, your feet are so cu~te”;
2. She was greeting my husband, when he was about to leave home for work in the morning, by kissing his cheek holding his face in both the hands as if she was his partner;
3. Talking the fact that our daughter is very smart and well educated, my husband was telling her that it is because our daughter has taken all the good parts of my sister-in-law;
4. Now that she decided to move to another country for work promotion and proposed my husband move to the same country and city for his job, he was telling her about his positive feeling about this proposal although he had rejected every opportunity to go abroad for his work telling me that he didn’t want to move out the country and city where he is as he likes them very much. I had repeatedly told him that I’d like to move out to another place.

Until now, whenever I conveyed my uneasy feelings to him about his attitude towards her, he become aggressive towards me as if I was criticizing him. I feel my husband prioritizes his relationship to her and doesn’t care about my feelings. I want him to understand that this situation hurts me. I’d like to avoid irritating him more with me in order not to destroy what I have made efforts to reconstruct for our couple relationship.

Thank you for asking. It sounds to me as if you’ve tried hard to get your husband to understand, but he just isn’t able. I think this is an opportunity for both of you to talk to a couples counselor. In this way the therapist can help you express your concerns –while finding ways to help your husband understand them.

Your husband has had a very close relationship with his sister for a long time and doesn’t appreciate the level of discomfort you feel. Having sessions with a therapist together will increase the possibility you can resolve the issue though improved communication.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Blended Family Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband and i have been together for 4 years. i have a 19 yo daughter and he has a 19 yo son. the son was primarily living with his mother until he graduated from high school at such time, he moved in full time with us. ever since he has moved in there have been issues. he lies, he has stolen pills from my bathroom and he went through my purse and stole more pills from me. i wanted him out. my husband didn’t. i told him he needed to move back in with his mother to get help. finally, my husband went along with it. during the time he was gone, my husband resented me every second his son was not there. he was gone for a month and i suggested the son to come stay the night one night so that i could start to build back trust in him. my husband took that as he could move back in and he moved back in. a few months later, we catch him in more lies and now something has happened where i feel he has violated my daughter’s privacy by going into her room. not sure of his reason for entering her room (which he denies), but the only conclusion i can come to is that he was masturbating in there. i’m not sure but that is what my gut tells me. i don’t know what to do anymore. i don’t feel safe in my own home. my husband put a lock with key on my daughter’s door and i don’t think that is anyway anyone should have to live. i don’t want his son living with us anymore, however, i know my husband will not go for that and if he does agree to have him move out, he will resent me. if anyone could offer any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you for writing us with this important question about blended families. Your husband’s denial of his son’s problem needs to be front and center in your relationship. It’s not okay for you, and you don’t have to live this way. It is clear that his son has problems that are going untreated and diminishing family life.

It is important to know that you must continually standup speaking out that you do not want to live this way. I highly recommend couples counseling so a professional can help you both work toward a resolution. The counselor can help your husband understand that his effort to help his son is alienating his wife and stepdaughter. Getting a professional to help you through these issues is important.

I would also recommend during this time that you find an individual therapist for yourself. It sounds like this has been going on for a while, and that your husband doesn’t understand how devastating this this is for you. You may need to have an individual therapist in your corner as you work through the details of coping during couples therapy. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

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My Partner’s Mother Has Too Much Influence

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in the U.S.: Three years ago my partner’s work took him back to his hometown. He moved out of our shared flat (we had lived there for five years) and moved in with his mum. He had a separate flat in her house, but he joined her for meals and let her do his washing.

When I got pregnant with twins 1,5 year later, I joined him there. It was okay during the pregnancy, however after the birth of our children the relationship between me and his mum became strained. She wanted to see the babies all the time, and so came by every day uninvited.

When I insisted to arrange visiting times, she took offense. It got even worse, when my own mother (who lives abroad) visited and stayed for a few weeks to help me with childcare and household. There were some unpleasant moments when I felt oppressed by my mother-in-law (e.g. she let out some steam and didn’t let me out of my kitchen), so after some hear-to-heart I started avoiding her in general.

A few times she tricked her son into one-to-one conversations (e.g. at 11pm after he just got back from work) and used both flattery and blackmail to get an extra visit. My partner often felt torn between his mum and myself, and tried to please everyone. As a result the situation became very tense and one day our relationship nearly hit rough waters.

We decided to fight for our love and to move out. We now live in a different city, about 1,5h drive away from his mum. Initially, I felt relieved and hopeful, but his mum is still casting shadow over us. Shortly after we moved out, she complained how much she missed her grandchildren and so my partner insisted she visits. She came for a weekend shortly before Christmas and spent most of her time occupying our toddlers. When it wasn’t possible to spend every second of their time with her, she was upset. Although, we didn’t ask her to, she showed effort to help us in the household. When told it wasn’t necessary, again she felt offended.

My partner thinks she should visit more often (every 5 weeks), I disagree. I know he contacts her regularly (she even passes on greetings), but he hides this from me. Thus I have the feeling that we are becoming estranged from each other.

Your letter is a good example of how differences in a personal sense of boundaries can become a problem. There are other mothers of twins who would envy your situation. They wouldn’t understand for an instant why you can’t accept help – even every 5 weeks. But your letter is a wonderful example of the differences among people. For you, her visits and help don’t feel like help at all.

From my point of view, then, your MIL is not the problem. You are not the problem. The problem is that you don’t have a shared idea of what is close family and how close is close enough. What you do share in common is your love for your husband (her son), and your love for the twins (her grandchildren).

To make this a problem for your partner is a big mistake. He is loyal to you both, and should be. He shouldn’t have to hide his relationship with his mother from you. That approach hurts everyone involved. His mother feels rejected. You feel threatened. He feels like he’s caught in the middle.

Although your move may have given you some space, I don’t think you needed to “fight for your love”. I do think you needed to approach the problem differently, in a way that responded to everyone’s needs. The move addressed your need for a clearer boundary around your own family. But it didn’t address your MIL’s need to feel part of what she considers “family”. It didn’t get your husband out of the middle.

I ask you to consider planned monthly visits as a way to respond to everyone’s needs: You are not in competition with her for the love of your partner or your children. Embracing her in some way only expands the love in your family. Her help with the household isn’t a negative comment on your housekeeping. It’s most likely her attempt to show appreciation for being included in your family.

Your MIL is in love with her grandchildren. A visit every 5 weeks will let her witness their growth and development and will make it possible for her to have a genuine personal relationship with them. By making the visits regular and predictable, you’ll quiet her anxiety and yours. You’ll both know what to expect.

Think about letting her concentrate on the twins when she visits. While she plays Grandma, you get some time to yourself or to catch up on things that you simply can’t get done with toddlers under foot. If she wants to help with a chore, by all means let her and accept it as a gift. She will feel useful. You will be able to take something off your “to do” list.

Consider planning outings that the whole family (you, your partner and kids and Grandma) can share like a visit to the local children’s museum or playground. (Three adults on two toddlers sounds like the right adult:child ratio to me.) If she makes suggestions about child rearing, you don’t need to get defensive. Simply thank her for sharing and tell her you’ll think about it. (Thinking doesn’t oblige you do anything differently but she’ll feel heard.)

If you initiate contact in-between visits, you won’t feel “ambushed” by an unexpected call. Ideally, you and your husband will share in keeping her in touch with regular calls or messages. You don’t have to spend hours on the phone. Just say hi, share a cute story about the grandchildren, and let your husband take it from there.

By taking control of when visits and calls happen and how she is involved, you will define your family boundaries without escalating the tension between you.

One more thing: Do your best to get to know your MIL better. After all, she raised the man you love. She probably did some things right.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Wonder if My Wife Has a Personality Disorder and if It Has Contributed to Infidelity

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My wife and I have been together since high school. I love her. We have created so many special memories. We now have two sons. However, in many ways being with her has taken a toll me. I am aware of new information and behaviors that have me worried.

Throughout our relationship, she has always been too flirty with other guys. She has also always been a people pleaser and attention seeker. For the first several years in our relationship, and right after we got married, I would have to point things out to her to keep her in check. Still, I did not imagine she would fully cross the line and have an actual affair.

Several years ago I got skeptical. I didn’t have real proof of anything, besides her being overly protective of her phone and spending way too much time reading really graphic erotic romance novels. I also noticed Facebook messages left up on the computer. They were with other men and heavily flirtatious. I questioned her if she was having an affair. She was upset but swore that she was not and never would. She was embarrassed when I asked about the novels and the Facebook flirting, but said I was over exaggerating.

Well, recently she decided to tell me she kissed a coworker shortly before our wedding. I wanted an explanation. She said they were just friends and it was an accidental quick kiss. However, she has continued to tell me other versions.

Most recently she said that the kiss was much more sensual in nature and that after he quit working with her they texted back and forth for months. I am hurt by the betrayal, but also creeped out because things seemed so perfect when that was supposedly going on. There were no red flags. Plus, she cannot even explain why she did what she did.

I am now worried that she was, in fact, having an affair during the time when things did seem off. She swears up and down she was not. My gut tells me that something is not right. I want to live in the present and enjoy life, but wondering what she did makes me worry about the future. She seems to align with the criteria for histrionic personality disorder and borderline personality disorder. I know she was sexually abused growing up. What should I do?

Labeling her behavior, if she is histrionic or borderline, doesn’t change the reality of her lying and disrespect of your feelings. Whatever you want to call it, whether it is a full-blown personality disorder or elements of one, the pain and sense of betrayal is the same.

Trust yourself. If you feel something is off, trust that feeling more than what your wife is telling you. It sounds like she doesn’t know herself very well as she denies the impact her behavior has on you and your family. She might not be the best source to confirm your suspicions. Looking for a diagnosis to explain her behavior is very understandable, but it doesn’t necessarily do much more than giving a name for what is happening, even if it is accurate.

There are several things I would recommend. First and foremost take ownership of what you are feeling. You have a profound sense that something isn’t right — and it isn’t. Realize that your discomfort and concern is enough to declare the marriage is in trouble. You do not need your wife’s confirmation. Her behavior is unacceptable because it makes you feel uncomfortable. s confirmation. You are uncomfortable because her behavior has become unacceptable. This is yours alone to validate. Don’t look for her to give you permission to be upset.

Secondly, seek personal therapy for yourself for this realization and these feelings. When this type of thing happens the spouse that has to declare the marriage unsuitable needs support from an outside source. Do not burden extended family members with your concerns as this will tint their perception of your wife and if the marriage gets back on even footing any you and she have recovered — the family may not be as ready. Share your concerns with a therapist that can help you sort through your feelings and thoughts.

When you are ready to confront your wife decide if it is something you want help with through a marriage and family counselor, or if you will need to do this on your own. If your wife is unwilling to go with you to a couples counselor then this confrontation may have to be one-on-one. I recommend if it is with a counselor that you ask your wife to come with you because you think the two of you need the help of a professional. If she is unwilling have your conversation in a public place without the children present. This is not a conversation to take on in the privacy of your home with the children’s home. Using public space as a type of container for a difficult conversation is one way to help keep the discussion civil. At home, the familiar space may create a too comfortable environment for excessive feelings.

Be clear about what isn’t okay without it being an attack. This isn’t a character assassination. It is time for you to discuss your disappointment, pain, confusion, and discomfort. This is more about you than it is about her. During these times the key is to use “I” statements rather than “you” statements. “I’m uncomfortable with the way I feel;” I don’t feel good about our marriage;” “I’ve lost my ability to trust.” Are ways to keep the issue on your side of the fence. Blaming your wife isn’t the goal — helping her understand that you are taking action in dealing with your feelings is.

Next, this isn’t something that you try to fix for her. This is hers to deal with — or not. Explain what you are willing and not willing to do. As an example, you might say you are willing to go to couple’s therapy, but you are no longer willing to ignore your feelings about this issue. Do not set ultimatums at this point. Statements like: “If you don’t go to therapy I’m going to divorce you,” doesn’t help very much. “I love you and I want to figure this out, but I can’t take care of my feelings and yours.” Give a more balanced sense of the truth — without saying if this — then that.

Finally, keep in mind that whatever is going on for your wife is — at the very least — on a different timeline than yours. You have been dealing with your disappointment, anguish, and uncertainty for a long while before this comes to the surface. For your wife, she has been living in a different awareness. She may be in denial, she may be suffering from a personality disorder, she may be doing things deceitfully, but whatever her state of mind is she is not on the same timeline as you are with being confronted with this issue. Give her time to adjust and be clear about what is true for you and what isn’t. Saying things like:” I don’t know what it means for our marriage, but I do know that something has to change for me.” Is a truth that lets your wife know this is serious and you are taking a stand for yourself. What happens next largely will depend on her ability to hear you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

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Communicating with Someone Who Has Shut Down Through PTSD

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I am trying to find the things I should do and the things I shouldn’t do when approaching my husband. He has just been diagnosed with PTSD after years of alcohol and drug abuse. He is a VERY loving man who will suddenly change and push me and his loved ones away. Over the years I have dealt with it by moving completely out of the picture due to the accompanying abuse and thinking it was just an alcohol problem. After his last episode, which left him nearly dead, we have talked in depth and he talked me through the episodes where he just disappears. We made a pact for me to ignor his rejections and just keep ‘kissing him’. When he started sliding this time I managed to get him to a doctor and he was diagnosed with PTSD. But now I’ve lost him again. It is like a Jeckyl and Hyde situation as he cannot remember when he was in the ‘zone’. He only remembers the repercussions. Before, when he used to hit me he would experience huge guilt, recently he has been loosing total trust in me because of the way I have reacted. He has found an ‘enabler’ at the moment who pays for everything and doesn’t trigger his trauma so he is in no danger other than massive increased alcohol consumption and codependency. However last week he was experiencing psychosis and foned me in a frantic state asking for help whilst shouting at me. I seem to be making matters increasingly worse by contacting him. This isnt just a lovers tiff, it is a life threatening situation and I have no support and no indication of what I should do and, more importantly, what I should not do.

These are the facts as I understand them: your husband has been diagnosed with PTSD due to his use of alcohol and drug abuse; his alcohol use is not under control; when intoxicated he can become violent and psychotic; you have been advised to keep “kissing him” while he is intoxicated and to ignore his “rejections.”

You also wrote that he has an enabler and that he is “in no danger other than massive increased alcohol consumption and codependency…[and] it is a life-threatening situation.”

It’s unclear who is the enabler. Are you referring to yourself or someone else?

It’s difficult for me to give you specific advice because I would need more information. If I had the opportunity to ask follow-up questions, I would have many.

Your husband’s life may be in danger because of his drinking, but I believe that your life might be in greater danger. He is actively, drinking despite being aware of the fact that he can become violent and psychotic while intoxicated. He is dangerous, and he doesn’t seem to care about how his behavior affects others. He continues to drink despite it significantly damaging his life and the lives of those around him.

You asked what you should and should not do in this situation. You should not be accepting of your husband’s behavior. You should keep your distance from him until his drinking is under control. You should not “kiss him” until he no longer rejects you — I take that to mean that you should physically kiss him until he stops pushing you away. Such a circumstance puts you in danger of being physically harmed.

I do not understand why he was given a diagnosis of PTSD. Given the information you have provided, it would seem not to be indicated, however there may be much more information available to the diagnostician, which would make the diagnosis appropriate.

You should ask your husband to seek help. If he’s unwilling, then you should keep your distance. You should seek professional help to assist you in learning how to interact with your husband and how to navigate this dangerous situation. Counseling could help you with this very difficult set of circumstances. I hope I’ve helped. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Recently Married But on Self Destruct

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been married 3 months we have been together for 5 years but have been friends since 1996. I love him-he’s hot, caring and good in bed. He wants a family and we are about to buy our first home. He isn’t very affectionate and we never sext or talk dirty. There are times I feel bored and invisible. A few months before getting married I had a bad day at work and received an email from a male colleague asking if I was ok and this led to us lunching together and progressed to us seeing each other outside of work too much and me feeling very confused a month before the wedding. I talked to my partner and I told him we’d flirted and that I was enjoying the affection I felt was lacking with us. He was mature and said he would try harder and temporarily this worked. I got married with a clear conscious and didn’t think about the other guy at all, we had a lovely day and he was very attentive but now its back to old ways and I’ve got close to the work guy again. We have kissed twice since I’ve got married and I’ve told my husband. The guy initiated both kisses and I pulled away. I told him he had not sustained the affection he had promised me and this is why I have sought it elsewhere. I have told the guy it can never happen again and that my future is with my husband and I feel guilty but on a bad day we still flirt. I am worried he is not what he seems and there are lots of messages between us that I hope he has deleted. I have told my partner we have flirted but not the content as I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t fancy this guy, I don’t want to do any of the things we are discussing in the texts either but it continues to happen. I worry my partner will one day learn of the messages-I got him to delete one lot but then it started again.I want to be a good wife but don’t know how to right this. I’ve survived rape and abusive relationships & it’s like I crave attention and drama like I’m on self destruct. I hate myself and my behaviour. Please help. (From Wales)

I admire the courage it takes to face this issue head-on and to write us here. I don’t believe you are on self-destruct — but I do thing what you are doing is self defeating. I believe your relationship is at a crisis point and writing your email is a very proactive way of dealing with it.

I would highly recommend couple counseling. The flirting is a symptom, not a cause. What I mean by this is that you are not looking toward the other person as a potential marriage partner, but rather the flirting is the result of a weak relationship with your husband. The only work that makes sense is to determine if your marriage has enough power to last.

Find a couple counselor and talk about what you need from your husband. Hopefully this will give you both something to work together on. But if the marriage doesn’t have the staying power you’d hoped for — at least you can move on knowing you’ve ended it directly and with integrity.

Dr. Dan

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How Do I Change My Relationship with My Mother-In-Law?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in Malaysia: I m married since 8 years. My mother in law never tried to have good relationship with me, she never speaks, she completely ignores me. She stayed for 2 years with us, then now she stays with us since 3 years. I ve a kid of 4 years.I do all everything for the house. My husband also never appreciates me. I m a post graduate in electronics engineering but I quitted my teaching job due to my husbands job change and then after for my kid.

Now one day while we 2 were fighting my MIL interfered n said I said not to marry this girl,but you carried her on your head to my home. I replied,I do everything for u,so u said like that.Then she just shouted what do u do for me,i replied you stay with me,I take care of u like a daughter,what else should I do ?

My husband was very angry on thus n he was about to hit me. After that we didnt talk to each other n my MIL is not speaking to me still. I feel depressed,n alone. Earlier also she speaks one word if I say 10. I keep trying to do everything for my family,but now I feel helpless. I feel very low.

Of course you feel low. Instead of feeling loved and appreciated, you feel like a servant in your own house. Your mother-in-law (MIL) has lived with you for 5 out of 8 years of your marriage, and yet she mistreats you and tells her son his marriage to you was a mistake. Worst of all, your husband hasn’t found a way to make it clear that his choice is a choice of love, not an insult to his mother.

It may be that the root of the problems is a difference in expectations and assumptions about family life and loyalties. You are an educated woman who probably has expectations for a partnership with your husband that takes priority over his relationship with his mother. MIL may have the expectation that her son will continue to put her first and that the role of a daughter-in-law is to satisfy her every demand. I am very concerned that your husband was about to hit you when you were upset with his mother. That tells you that either he agrees with his mother or he is a man who doesn’t know how to deal with conflict in a constructive way so he resorts to a threat of violence to just make it stop.

You didn’t mention how the decision was made that you and your husband would share your home with your MIL. Did you and your husband talk about exactly how long she would be with you and what you could expect of her as a member of your household? Or did your husband and his mother assume that a three generation household is the norm where your job is to take care of all household tasks and that you would be in agreement? IIf that was their expectation, it is likely that both your husband and MIL are surprised and disappointed that you have a different point of view.

Ideally, this would have been talked about well before you married. That doesn’t mean that you can’t review those decisions now. Unless and until the three of you, (you and your husband and his mother) can come to an agreement about the roles of the adults in the family that satisfies all of you, this discord will continue and you will be more and more unhappy in this marriage.

For now, I strongly urge you to find a way to ask your MIL the same questions about what she expects without showing your anger. Ask her how her mother-in-law treated her. That may give you some insight into her behavior. It might be helpful to point out that what you have in common is love for your husband. Since doing everything for everybody is wearing you out, it might be helpful to tell her that and see if there are some tasks that she might be willing to do. Express appreciation for any efforts on her part. It will be hard for her to change.

I don’t know what services are available in Malaysia. In America, I would urge you to see a family counselor to help you all figure this out. I hope there is a neutral third party who has such skills in your country. You could all use that support. If your husband and MIL refuse to work with you on this, you are left with only two choices: Either you will have to separate or you will have to find out a way to manage the current situation. Either way, MIL is your son’s grandmother so it is best if you can find a way to be civil with her, even if you feel she doesn’t deserve the courtesy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Communication Issues with Asperger Father

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My father has Asperger Syndrome which never used to bug me because I never knew, but the older I become, the harder it is to communicate with him. He is so difficult to talk to and asks all of these questions in an accusatory manor but never listens to the answers I give to him. I try so hard to not get mad at every single thing that he says to me but it is so hard and sometimes without even realizing it I find myself snapping at him out of no where. I seem to be the only one with an attitude problem directly towards him. I think that me acting this way towards my father mainly has to do with the fact that my mother and father have serious marital problems, and me and my mother constantly talk about them and as time went on I started to get irritated by him because I’m on her side. But at the same time he is so difficult to communicate with and he NEVER thinks he does anything wrong. I’m already struggling communicating my current emotional status with my mom about their problems and I feel like I have so much going on in my mind, I wish I didn’t treat my father the way I did. I want to be able to hide my feelings of anger and be able to communicate with him without snapping. Sometimes we have our good days but then he ruins it by being rude, judgmental, accusatory, or throws some behind-the-back insult at me or my mom. I just really need help with my communication skills. Especially when the day comes that my parents split which is the time period when I will need my communication to be much much better. Please help. (age 18, from US)

From what you are describing here, it seems to me that your change in attitude and communication with your father are stemming from the fact that your mother confided in you about her marital issues as a friend, not a daughter. If your father truly has Asperger’s Syndrome then he has always had it, it is not something new.  It could also be that his way of communicating has become more irritating to you as you have become an older teenager, in that there may be more things to disagree about, such as curfews, boyfriends, etc.

However, your mother should not have put you in the middle of their marriage. It is not fair to you. I suggest that you put a boundary in place yourself and let her know that she needs to talk to her friends or a therapist about her problems and that you want to stay out of it. In the meantime, I hope that you will try to find a way to reconnect to your father. Start by spending time together doing something you both like so that the time will be focused on an activity rather than relying on conversation. It may also help if you gently let him know if he hurts your feelings or upsets you and suggest an alternative way of asking you what he wants to know. Considering that he will always be your father, regardless of the status of their marriage, it might also be a good idea to have some family therapy sessions together to help improve your relationship with him.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Trust Issues with Husband and History of Sexual Abuse

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I need help. I was emotionally and psychologically abused growing up and sometimes physical. It has taken me all of my 20’s to finally come to terms with this, especially after having my own children. My older sisters (one is 7 years older and the other is 4 years older) had involvement with a rape when I was 17. My rapists wanted to degrade and humiliate me and I lost my virginity while being told I was ugly and worthless. I was at my sister’s apartment at the time and asked for help but she helped my perpetrators instead. Then my other sister assisted with helping my perpetrators bully me after the rape to further degrade and humiliate me. I now feel ugly and worthless. I met my husband when I was 21 and still not able to come to terms with things that happened to me in the past I continued to talk to my family. I did distance myself a lot but still saw them on holidays. I can’t shake the feeling that my husband might have had sex with my sister who is 7 years older. She is a lot prettier than me and has a boob job. After just giving birth to my second child 5 years ago, she had some inappropriate behavior toward my husband and he looked so uncomfortable (to the point of looking guilty for some kind of attraction) that he left the room. My father told me at age six that I was ugly and should not expect a man to ever be faithful to me and that all men would have to think of other women in order to have sex with me. I have often felt that my husband has not been supportive emotionally in the past when I tried to talk to him about hurtful comments that my sister would make to me at family functions. He would act as though he didn’t believe me and that I was probably making things up because I am jealous of her. Since after the two kids when she had some very obvious inappropriate behavior towards my husband I am starting to look at my husband and our relationship differently and am questioning everything. I have this sinking feeling at times that he had sex with her but I don’t have any proof. I never felt this way before, only since after the birth of my second child. I need advice about what to do with my feelings? It hurts to think that after 13 years and two children a moment of sexual pleasure with someone better than me in the looks department is more important than our history. Do men really only care about looks and are willing to risk everything for a prettier woman? I feel unloved and depressed and I just want the truth but don’t think I will ever get it.

A: I’m so sorry that you have been through all of this, but I am proud of you for admitting and acknowledging that you were abused. That is the first step to getting better. However, due to the severity and complexity of the abuse, I would really suggest that you see a mental health professional for ongoing counseling. Find someone who specializes in sexual abuse and trauma. The issues you are listing here are too serious to just be addressed in an advice column, and you have been hurting too long.

It’s hard to say whether or not the vibe you are getting about your husband is because he and your sister have done something inappropriate or just that her behavior coupled with his knowledge of how she has treated you makes him uncomfortable. This could help explain why he left the room and why he might act strangely when she is around. It’s hard to be around people who have harmed someone you love, but it is also difficult to know how to handle it when the person isn’t going away (family). Because of this and your trust issues with your husband, in addition to individual or group counseling to help you heal from your abuse, I would suggest that you and your husband get involved in couple’s therapy as well. It provides a safe format to address your concerns with him, but it could also help him learn how to better support you and what you’ve been through.

It sounds like you still spend time, at least occasionally, with members of your family who have harmed you. That’s fine and lots of people do that, but it can sometimes be helpful to take a break from contact while you are working through things and healing. Furthermore, I have worked with some clients who have made the very difficult decision to never associate with family members who have abused them. In the end, you need to do what is right for you. But please don’t believe any of the negative things your father, sisters and rapist have said to you for one minute longer. It is time to reclaim your power and reclaim your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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My Husband Wants Me to Yell at Him

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m not a fan of yelling.. If I do then I’ve been pushed really far. My husband comes from a family that routinely treated him insignificantly and verbally/emotionally/ and to some degree physically abused him. His father was a preacher, he grew up in ministry. He has had several relationships that follow that same path. Yelling makes me uncomfortable, and it never seems to solve anything, so I only do it when if feels like the only way to get attention–and then I feel horribly afterwards. The thing is, my husband likes getting yelled at.. Not in a smiles and loves it kind of way, but in a “finally I’m getting what I deserve” relief kind of way. And he’s either cruel to me to the point of my fighting back, or ignored anything I say completely..he’s not a violent or perverted man, just seems to think he deserves abuse and degradation, and won’t hear or accept anything other than that. I’ve put 5 years into starting with positive encouragement that has teetered into more yelling–and I hate myself more and more for it, until today I just told him I would give him what he wanted, and tore into him and watched him lower his head and solemnly find relief in the lashing, like somehow he was martyring himself so that I could feel good or powerful or something… And while I was yelling I pointed out to him how much he looked finally at ease.. Then he broke down and cried.. Sobbed.. And it went on.. Until I finally stopped. After awhile he admitted how much he enjoyed the yelling and was hoping I would hit him, and how ludicrous that was. He finally sees this, but why is he like this? How do we go on from here? I can’t find anything out there that seems to address this problem. I kind of think it’s the unhealthy upbringing his parents instilled in him of his lack of value and his deserving the abuse he used to receive… What is going on?

I can only guess at why your husband responds this way since I’ve never talked with him. If his father believed that we’re all sinners and that our sinfulness has to be beaten (verbally and physically) out of us, then chances are he parented from that conviction. The route to parental approval in such a household would be to be a martyr. It’s the only way to become a “saint.”

I think your husband needs therapy, not more martyrdom. You can’t be asked to replicate an unhealthy relationship so that he’ll feel better — at the cost of his dignity and self-esteem. It’s unhealthy for both of you.

If he won’t go, go yourself. You could use some new ways to talk to him as well as some support for holding your own line. Once he sees that therapy is helpful to you, your husband may join you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Husband Being Disrespectful?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

A few months ago, my mother in law accused me of something I didn’t do. She went so far as to threaten me with police and lawyers. When I showed up at her house to pick up my children, she started screaming at me, calling me names and tried to pull me out of the car. I haven’t spoken to her since and I am not allowed at her house. When my husband takes the children over there, I have to stay home. Last night, my husband informed me that on Christmas morning, after presents are opened at our house, he is taking the children over to my in-law’s house to celebrate for a little bit, while I have to stay home, alone, without my children. I even offered to let the in-laws come over to our house to watch the kids open presents and eat breakfast. They declined. While I know she is their grandma and I would never take them away from her. I feel like I am being punished, while she gets what she wants and I am being forced to barely spend Christmas with MY children. I expressed my feelings to my husband and he doesn’t understand, he thinks I am being irrational. I feel like this is complete disrespect towards me. One for allowing his mother to treat his spouse this way and two for allowing himself to treat me this way. What can I do?

This is important enough to take a stand on. Your husband’s lack of understanding and dismissing your response as irrational will create more and more issues. By minimizing and ignoring your needs he will be driving a greater rift in the family. By not understanding and declaring you irrational without seeing his mother’s role in this he will be alienating you — and eventually the children. It is important to deal with this sooner rather than later.

His mother’s unwarranted accusations, physical altercation, and refusal to come to your house when invited must not go unanswered by your husband if there is to be a healing between you and him. The psychological emphasis must be on the two of you to maintain a unified stance, not him making a unilateral decision to appease his mother even though it hurts you. This will not be healthy for the marriage. It isn’t that him going to the in-laws wasn’t a potential solution for the day, but it is the fact the two of you were not in agreement with it that is the issue. If you were both on the same page with him going for a bit that would have been fine. The thing that makes this dangerous is that your husband is dismissing your needs completely by dismissing them as irrational and acting to pacify his mother rather than join with his wife. This has generated your resentment, which will continue to grow if he continues to diminish your feelings.

Finding a couple therapist or family therapist in your area using the Find Help tab at the top of the page would be important. I’d strongly encourage the two of you to talk to a family therapist to get some support and ideas of how best to deal with this situation.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Husband Disengaging from Marriage

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband and I have been married 30 years. Four years ago we received custody of five grandchildren. The parent have done nothing to comply with Court requirements to get the children returned to them. There are no other family members in a position to care for the children and we have tried but it fails to work out.  Last year I had a major health scare but have since recovered. Now ,my husband has basically told me the kids go or he goes. He has completely disengaged from us and is sullen , critical and grudgingly helpful to a small extent. The bulk of the care and household falls on me. I feel it is unfair to put me or the kids in this position and have told him to go . He is very unpleasant and is narcissistic . I guess I’m seeking guidance and validation in my choice to keep the kids. The only option is foster care and I refuse . They have been with us and are settled in and would be crushed . I realize he may be tired of it , I get tired too but it feels like emotional blackmail to me. (age 56, from US)

I’m so sorry that you have found yourself in this position. What a difficult choice!  There are many grandparents raising their grandchildren these days, but taking in five all at once must be incredibly stressful. I’m wondering if you and your husband were able to talk about all the possible outcomes when you first took them in, but you were probably also thinking that their parents would work harder to get them back. I’m also wondering if you and your husband were having any marital trouble before taking in your grandchildren.

Not everyone is cut out for raising children a second time around and it sounds like your husband feels that it is too much to handle. I also understand that if foster care is the only choice, you feel that you don’t have other options. There are many wonderful foster homes out there, but I’m sure that it would be heartbreaking to see your grandchildren grow up somewhere else and to possibly be divided.

If you ultimately decide to work with your local children service agency to place them in a loving foster home, you should be able to work out a visitation schedule. If you do decide to keep them in your home permanently, you need to tap into resources available to you. Most child protective agencies offer support groups, training and respite care. There may also be other informal networks within your community that you can get involved with, such as a support network formed specifically for grandparents raising their grandkids. Whether you tap into your own network of friends and family or community offerings, you will need ongoing support and time off.

Finally, I know you’re most likely busy and pressed for time, but before you give up on your marriage, I would suggest that you and your husband speak to a marital therapist or a spiritual counselor if you have one. These decisions are life changing for everyone involved. I admire you for what you are doing and hope that it works out. Love doesn’t fix all things, but in this situation, it makes all the difference.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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My Spouse Wants Me Dead

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I ran across an email confession from my spouse. My spouse talked about all the things I do that piss them off. How I am a dead beat and how my ptsd is just an excuse and how they feel trapped in doing anything because of it. Talked about the times I tried to commit suicide about it, about how they wanted to leave me due to my ptsd. But told that they know if they told me they wanted a divorce then they would lose the house, because i own the house. There was a lot of anger in the email, lots of perception that they had that wasn’t 100% true. Lots of resentment towards me. This i am sharing is the confession they wrote to their friends after bitching badly about me.

(My confession after all this bitching though, is that I wish he would kill himself. I’m sure I would be devastated at first, but I just want to be me again, and I don’t want his lazy rear end to drag anyone else down, really. I almost feel that it would be easier. The settlement check would still come to pay my parents back, I wouldn’t have to worry about having a roof over my head or having to take care of any of his new medical bills, other than what we already owe. I am probably a horrible person, but his ptsd is starting to feel more like an excuse to abuse me on purpose instead of a reason on why he abuses me on accident. He no longer functions in society or our relationship (except when he wants sex), and although I want him gone, I know I’m the only person that will miss him.)

I was so shocked when I seen this. I asked her about this. She freaked out and started crying, telling me she didn’t want me dead and for us to work out. I am so confused, numb, hurt and scared. I love her so much. She never told me how she felt about anything. I found out this way. So lost. (age 37, from US)

It is unfortunate that you found out how your wife is feeling in such a shocking and painful manner, but at least now you know. It sounds like your marriage is in serious trouble. Chances are that she was just venting to a friend and, thinking that it was confidential, was overly dramatic. I doubt that she really wants you to die, but it is clear that she is hurting and desperate.

If you really are being abusive in any way toward her, I hope that this email serves as a wakeup call and you will seek help immediately. Posttraumatic Stress Disorder is a serious condition, but it is not an excuse to abuse another person. There are many successful treatments available.

On the other hand, if your wife is mentally unstable and you believe that she really did mean what she said, then you would both be better off getting divorced and going your separate ways. Love is not enough. However, if you want to attempt work through this, I would highly recommend that you only do so with the help of a marital therapist.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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My Wife Doesn’t Show Me Love Anymore

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My wife and I have been married for 4 years now. We started to have issues about 2 years ago. I feel like since we have been officially and legally married that she doesn’t care about me.

First thing is, I tried to speak to her many, many times about this, but she has become a horrible communicator. When I try to take time to sit down and talk, she either refuses, ignores, or just pretends to listen and says “ok”.

This past year was by far the worst in our relationship. I had a huge amount of stress from work. I worked about 300-400 hours per month. When I was resting after work, often times she’d come and scream at me and incite such drama that it was difficult to relax. Most of the time, I went back to work to be in a calmer environment.

My wife no longer takes care of herself. I have told her that she should make time for herself. Granted, we have 2 young children. However, I continuously make efforts to spend time with both of them, or to try to be active with them, play, read, teach, etc. most of the time she is interrupting this. I feel that if she took more time to care about herself, then eventually she’d care about me too.

Finally, she doesn’t show any love or interest in me as a person. The only time she asks about something about me, is out of jealousy. I have crohn’s disease, and I am doing pretty well with it, but still when I had serious issues, she never made an effort to care or help me. She does not take any active involvement in trying to figure out who I am, what kind of person I am, or anything about me at all. Even worse, I talk to her about this and again, she refuses to communicate.

Several times she has mentioned getting a divorce, but won’t specifically state why. She says that “it’s not working”, but I believe that this is because of the failure in communication. I see divorce as a last resort, when all other options have been exhausted.

Summary

1. Wife refuses to communicate
2. Refuses to set aside time for herself and let me be a father
3. Does not show love, care, interest or affection.

Can you offer any advice?

It’s long past time to make an appointment with a couple counselor if you want to save your marriage. Your wife is communicating fine. She is letting you know verbally and non-verbally that she is pulling away from you. If you could have fixed this on your own, you wouldn’t be writing to me. For the sake of yourself, your wife and your children, please make that appointment and go — even if your wife won’t at first.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Setting and Respecting Boundaries

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband retired 3 years ago and he is 77. We have been married for 47 years. It has been a tough marriage not due to the usual reasons like cheating or addictions or sex or any of that. We are financially good, are both healthy. Our kids are settled and we are close to them. I have plenty of outside interests, friends I go out with, I volunteer and I write.

This is the problem. Our relationship sucks. I used to think we are just very different people and so compromised, adapted, forgave, stayed positive, tried to keep conflicts to the minimum, see the good and ignore the bad, gave him a lot of space which he demanded. I am just tired now. I feel it should not be so hard.

I am new to the concept of boundaries. I know how to set them but not sure how to apply them in action, in expression. Sometimes I think my husband has no boundaries, but perhaps I am not respecting what he has set such as wanting space. I feel caught between protecting my boundaries and respecting his. Our interaction is always tense and very quickly escalates into explosions and shouting. He talks a lot, lectures, is very loud and brooks no interruption. This is his idea of a conversation. Divorce is not the solution I am looking for. I would like to bring warmth, friendship, and harmony into our relationship although I feel exhausted trying. I feel as though setting boundaries is for enemies. So how will protecting and respecting each other’s boundaries work with my goal? sometimes I wonder how much I am contributing to this situation. How can I maintain my peace and still have a happy life with my husband? (age 65, from US)

Thank you for writing in with your question and I’m sorry you are experiencing these difficulties. In many ways I think you are doing everything right, and obviously some things are working since you and your husband have been together 47 years. It would be unfortunate to see the marriage end after so long, and especially now that you are both retired and should be able to enjoy this phase of your life together.

However, your relationship does not sound enjoyable. As much as you have tried to focus on the positive, it sounds like your husband has not met you half way. Relationships are a two way street and if your partner isn’t also trying to make things warm, harmonious and respectful, it’s no wonder you are exhausted.

I do disagree with you when you say that boundaries are only for enemies. All human relationships require boundaries in some ways. It really comes down to respecting yourself and your partner. You relate that you respect his boundary by giving him space, but it does not sound like he respects yours if he lectures and shouts at you. This pattern will be difficult to change after all these years, but it’s a good place to start. You can let him know that you want him to speak to you softly and listen to what you have to say, or you will simply leave the conversation. If you do this enough times, he should start to get the point.

Divorce is definitely not the only answer, but if he is unwilling to work with you to make things better it may be an option you need to consider. Sometimes mentioning the possibility at least gets the other person’s attention enough that they will begin to work on things. Obviously the two of you would benefit from marital counseling, but you could also try a weekend couple’s retreat, a self-help book (such as one by John Gottman), or having some meetings with your priest or pastor if appropriate.

Finally, I have certainly worked with some couples who have decided to stay together but basically live separate lives for the most part. Maintaining the outside interests that you mention would be key in this regard.

Whether you decide to stay and work to make things better, stay but find your happiness in other ways, or ultimately make the difficult decision to leave the marriage, I hope that you find the peace you are looking for.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Isolated, Low Self-esteem, And Want To Come Out To Family

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I’ve felt empty and isolated for a long time. I feel as though I haven’t been truly happy in many years and will be stuck this way forever. I haven’t enjoyed my teen years like I’m supposed to.

I’ll be starting college in two months, and would like to get back on track and start over in life, but it just seems impossible.

Each best friend I’ve had throughout my life has ended up moving away. This happened four times. My last and closest friend (who was like a brother to me) moved away shortly before high school started. I later found out that he had wanted to leave.

Well, after he moved away, I never really made true friends during my four years of high school.  I’m very shy in social situations which makes things more complicated. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to rely on but myself. I spent most of my time after school alone. Additionally, my parents had marital problems throughout high school and got divorced several days after my graduation.

I live in a rich, conservative, religious place and had to hide being gay during high school because of my low self-esteem and a lack of trusted friends. I worried that people would be disappointed/disgusted if i told them. I also had to abandon my religion which I once trusted. Worst of all, I had to create and act out a fake straight-person identity, and never developed a real identity for myself. I don’t even feel like myself most of the time. I’ve never been in a relationship whatsoever, which hurts my self-esteem further. Often, I feel sad/dead/empty on the inside, no matter how little it shows on the outside.

Additionally, for three months during my junior year, I would suddenly get dizzy/lightheaded, over-heated, shaky, and feel extremely nauseous about ten times a day. It lasted maybe 15 minutes each time. It seemed to be a mental thing because it only happened when I was in a non-relaxing setting. However, I was mostly able to ignore it, so I never saw a doctor or told anyone. Eventually it stopped happening, except on rare occasions.

The only thing I’ve managed to achieve in the last four years is good grades. I still haven’t told anyone I’m gay either. I want to tell my older brother and sister because I’m closer to them than anyone else. Hopefully it will happen before the semester starts.

For the future, what I want more than anything is to be a valued member of a group of friends rather than just an extra, disposable person. And I also hope to gain enough confidence to have a relationship and be open about myself, not hate myself, and feel normal again.

Could there be something wrong with me or my life that could be causing all of this? Also, how can I learn to forget the past and start new during college?

Thanks so much for writing in. How very painful to feel like you’ve never really been able to develop your sense of self, and openly explore and express who you are inside. Your parents’ marital instability and divorce likely didn’t help you to feel safe either. The dizziness and shakiness you described feeling during your junior year of high school sounds like anxiety, which is very understandable, given all of the stress and isolation you were holding inside.

Have you ever worked with a therapist? If not, I highly suggest it. “Forgetting the past” isn’t necessarily the goal of therapy. It is possible for you to process your experiences and make sense out of them in a way that allows you to move forward in your life. Your therapist can also help you develop healthy relationships and explore the best way to come out to your family. The great thing about becoming an independent adult is that you can define your life on your own terms, and seek out relationships that support who you are, and who you want to become. If you need help finding a therapist who specializes in working with GLTB issues click here.  Also, check with the student services department at your university for support groups for gay students to help you know that you’re not alone, and to help you find groups who are struggling with similar challenges.

Thanks again for your courage in writing in for help. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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