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A hole in my soul?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It’s horrible, but I don’t know how else to ask anyone about it. When I was younger my mother used to masturbate (with a vibrator) in the bed beside me and I just lay there until I was like 12 and I realized exactly what was happening. Then for like a month we would take naps and I would pretend not to notice and just felt frozen and tried to leave a few times but she would make me stay…finally we had a fight and I went to my own bed… I said it was b/c the fan was too loud. So, so freaking gross and I saw it and it just makes me sick. Also my dad messed with me a little when I was small …like 6 or 7. Anyways, I’m a girl and I’m 28 now and I am a bulimic cutter in a rocky marriage, no addictions but a little OCD about school (I’m in a grad program)…lately I’m coming to think that I might just really be broken and there is a hole in my soul that cannot be filled.

I don’t think therapy is an option because every time I even imagine opening up to someone in person about this stuff I want to barf (no offense to anyone in the business, it’s b/c of my own issues) and I just have a certain feelings that no one could love me as much as I need and maybe Prozac would be best or something to take the edge off.

So my questions are…what could be the side effects of having weird uncomfortable sexual happenings involving your mother and father (right now I do not like sex very much), and when someone feels a deep, relentless pain way down in their heart, isn’t it better to try and numb it, because it will never go away and at some point you just have to accept it?

I am sorry you had to endure this type of treatment from your parents. You are not broken, but you have been hurt by people who were supposed to care for you. You have already taken a HUGE first step by bringing your concerns here, and to begin talking about this.

The inappropriate boundaries and sexual abuse were clearly not okay, and the kinds of symptoms you are describing, bulimia, cutting, OCD, and not being able to enjoy sex, are consistent with people who have had similar experiences. For information on this you may want to look on sites like this one.

Others have also experienced similar betrayals from caregivers, which means you are not alone, and it also means there are many treatment options available to you. Therapists, particularly ones familiar dealing with trauma, will know the course this path can take and how to treat these symptoms. Here is a list you can peruse. But, since you are in graduate school, I would reach out to the counseling department at your university. Most college campuses are very well equipped to deal with the issues. If it is too uncomfortable to start talking about your parents, you can simply begin by talking about the bulimia and relationship issues. Then, when and if you are ready, you can talk more about the earlier abuse. If a face to face with a therapist is too difficult you can use an online service.

The pain you feel is likely to be coming from the healthy place inside you that knows something is off. That is the purpose of pain, to awaken us to the need for changes to make us whole again. Numbing isn’t what you want, but learning strategies on coping and evolving through this is. An antidepressant may be something that could help, but you’ll want to talk about this with your therapist. He or she is likely to be able to refer you to someone for a medical opinion.

You have already demonstrated a tremendous degree of resilience. At 28 you are in graduate school and have shown a good deal of insight into your issues and their origin. Bringing your concerns to a therapist at this point is the next best step.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What I Feel for Her

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I am a high school teenager and I have been seeing my girlfriend for 3 months. She is 17 years old, white, and from a modest household. I am 16 years old, Hispanic, and from a poorer household. We have been dating for almost 3 months now and up to about 2 weeks ago; she was everything I could ever want in a girl. But now when I am around her I don’t feel like the way I did before. We are both abstinent and have agreed to wait until after marriage. We have had fights before, but we always got through them and gotten through it together. She told me everything about her past and I found that the more I saw, the less I liked. I always start thinking how she is not the kind of girl I would have wanted to be with. But then I find myself saying,” What was I thinking? I don’t want to lose her.” This cycle has been going on for a while. I know I’m just a teenager and these things usually don’t last, but it’s been a long time since I had a relationship, because I don’t date unless it’s for a serious relationship, since I don’t believe in pre-marital sex. I admit it has gotten difficult with my girlfriend, for both of us, but we always resist because we know the consequences and because of my religious beliefs. She is a smart, pretty, rather strange, tomboyish girl. I don’t like the girly girl types and she is just as weird as I am, that’s why we get along so well. I originally became interested in her because I had been rejected b another girl. I planned on using her to get over the other girl, but then I actually started to fall for her. Then I fell in love with her, all I wanted was to make her happy and smile. But now every time we are apart I feel like I have to end it with her. She says I am her dream guy, but she is nowhere near my dream-girl, yet she is everything I could ever want. It makes little sense, but I’ll try to explain. She is not the kind of girl I envisioned to be my perfect match, but she still the qualities I want in a girl: Hardworking, intelligent, independent, happy, unintimidating, and sexy. I don’t know if I should end this or stay with her and see if my feelings change. I don’t know how I could ever leave her, I don’t want to.

Your thoughtful letter is very powerful to read. I don’t want this to sound lame, but I am sure it will. The quality of your thinking and the degree to which you are challenging your thought process, the relationship, and your future is extraordinary. It alone is where the value is. When you think about it isn’t that what most relationships lack? Honest evaluation, contemplation, discussion and integrity. You are doing the very thing required in any valuable relationship. You are thinking through what is not only best for your, but where the relationship is in both of your development.

I would not change a thing.

Stick with your thoughts, be honest with her, and learn from your relationship. If it is going to work our these are the traits that will be needed to make it grow. If it is destined not to work you will carry forward your learning into the next relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Going in circles

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dear Dr. Marie,
I wrote back in July last year about my recurring depression and
suicidal thoughts. Thank you for your insightful and helpful response.

I did have counselling following my hospitalisation. I continued until
about September last year. I started to feel well about that time, my
energy picked up, I made new friends at work, and had a sense of
achievement and self worth.

I felt very clear about my decision to leave my husband. However it is
almost 2 years since I left him -the mandatory time before one can get
divorced in my country – and my husband is getting quite desperate to
get me back. I’ve become quite stressed by his turning up to see me,
visiting my family and friends, talking in church about me and to anyone
who will listen. He tells the children divorce is wrong, that the bible
says it’s wrong, that divorce means nothing and I’ll always be his wife.
He talks about “all these men” he says I am going out with.

At first it didn’t bother me as I am used to it and expected this but
just lately I’ve been feeling very stressed. My sleep, which has never
recovered since I initially became depressed, is worse, and I have that
terrible tiredness back. I really don’t want to go to work but I know I
need to both financially and for my psychological well being. However, I
do find shift work very tiring. I feel like I’m getting run down but I
don’t know how to manage my stress.

I’ve found myself doubting my perspective of how things were in the
marriage and going around the same circle again of should I give him
another chance. I really want to resolve this once and for all and his
telling the kids that the divorce means nothing has disheartened me. I
know I can’t go back but I’m not sure why I get confused from time to
time and have to go through a whole lot of turmoil to get to that
conclusion again.

Any ideas on what I can do to feel less stressed would be greatly
appreciated.

Thank you for writing. You’ve already taken an important first step by reaching out for some help. The next step is go back to the therapist who was helpful to you. He or she already knows your story and you’ll be able to pick up where you left off.

Therapy for a significant depression is rarely a one-time episode. Think of it as layers. You got through the most difficult one. Now it’s time to work on the next. You can draw comfort and hope from the fact that you did get better. You will again. This time you didn’t sink as low so it will probably be easier to find your strength again. Your therapist will also be in a position to help you figure out whether there is any reality to your husband’s position and whether the marriage is salvageable.

I do have my doubts. From what you wrote, your husband is not approaching you about what he can do better. Instead, he is blaming you and trying to isolate your from your family and community – and even your God. He’s also putting the children in the painful position of being in the middle of your divorce. If he were serious about making the marriage work, he would be taking some responsibility for the break down of your relationship (both to you and to others) and would be asking to join you in your therapy to do some couples counseling. Most important, he would be considering his children’s need to have two parents they respect instead of trying to get them to take his side.

Meanwhile, I hope you have talked with a lawyer about what your rights are. You may be able to limit your husband’s contact with you and what he can say to the children. I don’t know the laws of your country, though, so I caution you to seek out legal help.

Finally, ask your therapist for a referral to a local support group (or an online group) for women who are having similar difficulties. I think you will find it affirming and helpful to have the support of others who know what you are going through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Problem Passed Down through Generations

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been married for 23 years. My husband used to be more affectionate but it has waned over the years. It is however, not completely gone. He will hold me at night as he falls asleep, kiss me upon arriving home and we are still regularly physically intimate. Although I’ve had to guide him throughout the years, he is supportive and kind despite being a bit distant and unexcitable. I know that most women would be fairly happy with this situation but for some reason, I have moments where I feel he could be more affectionate and romantically focused. He is an excellent provider and we have a beautiful home, nice kids and a blessed life. What on earth is my problem then?

I sense that my needs are coming from low self-esteem…as if I’m not being “loved enough”. When I get like this I get so narrowly focused and it feels like I need that validation from him to make me whole somehow or none of the other things seem to matter. I really get angry that I can’t get what I feel I need. I truly don’t want to live like this any longer. It’s gone on long enough.

As a side note, my mother was plagued with this same issue all of my life and my dad was a decent guy like my husband. This desperate need to be “loved” was a nasty lifelong obsession for my mother and she demanded it from all of us although we did all truly love her and tried to please her. She’s in her 80’s now and angry, bitter, alone and has turned her back on her family and grandkids, claiming that we’ve all betrayed her. I am her oldest daughter and never felt deeply loved by her or able to live up to her unreasonable expectations. I don’t want to end up like her. Please, please help me break the cycle.

You are absolutely right: This is what is called an intergenerational transmission of a problem. Children do learn what they live. You grew up taking in your mother’s unhappiness with your dad as well as her belief that he wasn’t doing a good enough job loving her.

Your problem isn’t your husband. Your problem isn’t low self-esteem. Your problem is that you haven’t been able to free yourself from that early teaching. You are very right to be scared that you will end up lonely and alienated just as she was. I hope that gives you the motivation to do something about it.

You are fortunate, indeed, that you learned from your father as well as your mother. You looked for and found a decent guy who is steadfast, who loves you and who has made a good life with you.

The something you can do is some serious therapy. Therapy can help us correct early teaching. In your case, it can also help you truly appreciate all that you have.

Apparently your negative feelings have been building for years. That tells me that if you could fix this on your own, you would have done it already. I therefore encourage you to seek out a therapist and to do that corrective work. You are right that most women would be very happy with the marriage you are tempted to throw away. Since the problem lies within you, not within the man or the marriage, I doubt very much that you will find anything better.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My fiance doesn’t agree we need to make our own family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am afraid my fiance is not really ready for marriage. I feel he does not always treat our relationship as his top priority. I feel he lets the needs and wishes or his family come first sometimes. His family gets together frequently, much more often than my family does, and he expects me to attend every single gathering with him, even if it’s not a special occasion or holiday. He also wants his family celebrations to take priority over my family celebrations, which is completely unfair and upsetting to me. I told him his family is not more important than mine, that there needs to be a balance and we should alternate who we spend holidays with. He does not seem to understand this, and even suggested that we spend holidays separate from each other with our own families. I told him that is not the answer, that as a couple we should want to spend our holidays together. I told him I feel like I am not the number one person in his life, although I treat him this way. I told him that as my future husband, I expect him to “leave and cleave”, and create a new family unit with me that is separate from his family, and I expect him to treat this new family as his first priority. He said that he does not agree with that concept, that he thinks I am marrying into his family and need to be part of them and accept them. I explained that I do accept his family, but that our focus should be on our future, that will hopefully include a home and children of our own, and that no one or nothing should come between this. I really love my fiance, but I am afraid he is not really ready to fully commit. I think my expectations of him are completely reasonable, and that if he cannot see that, I need to end the relationship. Do you have any suggestions? Does it sound like I am engaged to a commitment-phobe and I am wasting my time? I need an objective opinion and advice. Thanks for your help.

I can’t give you a totally objective opinion because I don’t have your fiance’s point of view. What I can tell you is this: There are many legitimate ways to make a family. Some people “leave and cleave” as you suggest. Others marry into one or the other’s family. Still others carefully balance time with one family, time with the other. The model you choose isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is that the couple works together until they are both reasonably comfortable with how they are going to relate to each other’s family throughout life.

Blaming your boyfriend for being a “commitmentphobe” or “unready for marriage” isn’t going to advance your conversation. He has a point of view. So do you. My guess is that the more you negatively label his approach to family, the more he digs in his heels. Back up. Apologize for your part in polarizing the discussion and start over. Try to talk together about what each of your wants and needs from a marriage and what you are concerned about — with no blaming or labeling. At 41, you and your guy have probably worked through other disagreements with other people who count. Bring those skills to this conversation.

How the two of you manage this disagreement will tell you a lot about how you will manage others. If you do love each other enough to consider marriage, it may well be worth it to get a little couples counseling to learn some new tools for staying in loving relationship while you work through a problem that really, really matters. There will be others.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Will This Relationship Work?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Tonight my boyfriend of five years told me that he cheated on me (protected) last week while drunk at a party with a girl he dosn’t know. About two years ago he slept with another female during a brief break up and contracted and eventually gave me a STD, I broke up with him then. At the time he was about 18 and I about 16. About a year and a half ago I decided to give the relationship another chance in hopes that he had matured enough for this commitment. This past year and a half has been amazing, we handle all problems like adults and are able to compromise and he had ultimately gained my trust back. This recent infidelity has come as a complete shock to me. Our relationship seemed to be at its best and I was considering marriage as the next step. I am now completely devastated and I just don’t know what to do. He is BEYOND remorseful and has been begging for me to stay offering to do anything. Everyone I talk to claims “men cheat” and that what he did, while wrong and inexcusable, shouldn’t be ground for break up. I know more detail is needed for a complete response but to sum it up I have been with him (solely) since I was 14, now 18 and in college (& a little mature for my age)with our relationship/love being SO strong plans on moving together to our own place and marriage were in the making. I know how sorry he is and I am sure he really will do w.e. it takes to get me back, I just don’t know if I should. I am so hurt and I feel like it may be more hurt to leave that stay. I feel like I found something good and I wish he didn’t put me in this position. I am beginning to consider couples counseling? Please help!!!

Couples counseling is a great idea. However great your relationship is, your boyfriend has twice acted in a way that pulls you two back from a permanent commitment. He needs to take a serious look at just why he has done that. You need to take it seriously too. It could well be that he isn’t as ready to take the next steps toward a life together that you are but isn’t able or willing to face it to himself or to you.

It’s not incompatible for him to care for you a good deal and still not be ready. You two have been together through your teen years and have no experience with other people. There may be a part of him that wonders what he’s missing if he slips right into marriage.

It’s wise to think about couples counseling. A skilled counselor will help the two of you bring any doubts or fears to the surface so you can deal with them directly instead of by creating a crisis. You will deepen your understanding of yourselves and each other and you will improve your communication.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I can’t get over my ex husband

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was married for 22 years. During this time my husband would tell me that he wouldn’t touch me because I was too fat to turn him on. (even when I was 51kg). I also caught him on the phone whispering to another woman but be claimed they were just friends. Eventually I believed he didn’t love me and I met someone else. We split up but I still loved my husband. Eventually, he said that he loved me and wanted me to come home. I thought he meant it and I sold my house and all my belonging ready to move back. I went to tell him the day the removalist would be bringing my things and he said “F#@% off. I don’t want you. I’m madly in love with someone else.

That was 2 years ago and I just can’t get over it. I really thought we were going to make it. The other person I met earlier is still around and loves me even though he knows I’m not over my ex. I keep beggin my ex to take me back but he says he never wants to see me again. This has totally messed me up and it hasn’t done much for our 3 sons either.

Why would he do all he could to stop me from being with someone else and convince me that he loves me just to turn around and say “I don’t want you”, again. I believe he still wants us together but he feels he can’t go back because of what people might think. I know he has put me down to people. Why can’t I get over this. It is destroying me.

What a blow! I’m so very sorry for the pain this has caused you. It sounds to me like your marriage lasted as long as it did because you are such a loyal person (and maybe such an optimist) that you put up with more than most women would. From what you wrote, it seems this man has a mean streak. He didn’t want you but he couldn’t stand it for someone else to love you so he led you on. The other option, I suppose, is that the same loyalty that kept your marriage together prevented you from reading the signs that he wasn’t serious about wanting you back so he had to push you away hard to make it clear that your marriage is over.

Whatever the case, what is destroying you at this point is yourself. Why on earth would you want to be with someone who wouldn’t touch you during your marriage, who carried on with other women, and who now puts you down to other people?? Why aren’t you thanking your lucky stars that there is a man in your life who loves you so much that he’ll wait around while you sort yourself out?

I encourage you to seek out a counselor to help you stop focusing on your past and to instead turn your attention to your present and future. It could well be that the best part of your life is what’s ahead. Please grab the chance for happiness. You deserve far better than what your ex ever offered you.

Additional Strategies to for Getting Over an Ex

  1. Give yourself time to grieve: It’s natural to feel sad, angry, or hurt after a breakup, and it’s important to allow yourself to feel those emotions. However, it’s also important to avoid getting stuck in those feelings for too long. Try setting aside some time each day to allow yourself to process your emotions, but also try to focus on other things that bring you joy and fulfillment.
  2. Focus on self-care: Taking care of yourself is crucial when going through a breakup. Make sure you are getting enough sleep, eating nutritious foods, and engaging in physical activity. Practice relaxation techniques such as meditation or yoga to help you manage stress and anxiety.
  3. Cut off contact: It can be tempting to keep in touch with an ex, but maintaining contact can make it harder to move on. Consider taking a break from social media or deleting your ex’s contact information from your phone.
  4. Seek support: Talking to friends, family, or a therapist can be incredibly helpful when going through a breakup. Don’t be afraid to reach out for support, and remember that it’s okay to ask for help when you need it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Can’t Get Over My Past Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve currently been dating a man for 8 months. He’s 45, never been married and has no kids. I’m 1 month away from a finalized divorce and share 2 little boys with my ex. My married relationship has been over for years and I’ve dated a bit before I got into my current relationship.

My current relationship has been fast, but fantastic. We laugh a lot together, we can communicate really well, have been able to very successfully work through and resolve conflict, our sexlife is great, we share the same goals for life and we continue to share and build a trust and a bond which we both haven’t felt with anyone else.

The problem is, he feels like he’s living in the shadow of my ex and feels like he’ll always be standing on the outside looking in. THe only thing we fight about is my ex. I have not much contact with my ex except when it involves my kids. There has been a bit of drama going through the divorce but not much. My boyfriend has been very supportive but obsesses about my past life. I want to reassure him and make him feel like he is number 1 in my life, because he is. He just can’t get over me having an ex and says that will bother him always.

My boyfriend suffers from extreme depression and I know that the stress from my impending divorce must be brutal for him to deal with at times. But we love each other and we have put 8 months into this relationship, which in my eyes and I believe in his, a relationship that holds so much promise. What should I do?

What you should do is slow down. Eight months is a very short time to make a lifetime decision. You may think your marriage was over long ago but you haven’t been divorced. Please take the time to make sense of your prior relationship and what went wrong. You’ll be sharing parenting even if you aren’t sharing a life together so it’s important to gain perspective and, hopefully, a positive working relationship with your ex.

Your boyfriend seems to want you to have no past. That’s unrealistic and unfair. To be with you is to be with someone who has had a life that was different from his own. He’s right that he will always be on the outside to some extent. That’s not the problem. The problem is that he can’t accept that fact as your reality. You have two little boys who ideally should have a relationship with their father. They can also have a relationship with a stepdad, of course. But it’s unfair of your boyfriend to ask you and the boys to act as if the other man isn’t still an important person in the life of your family.

I very much hope your boyfriend is in active treatment for his depression. He needs to be doing the hard work involved in learning to manage a mental illness, not asking you to change your history to make it easier for him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is it okay to write a letter to husband?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Q: How do you feel about writing a letter to my husband outlining the things that we argue about and why I react the way I do? We have a relatively happy married life with one exception; we argue in a horrible mean way that usually entails discussion from one us talking about leaving. We both agree that we don’t want to separate; but the arguments are horrible and I usually end up getting hysterical. He has a tendency to take a relatively minor issue and imagine it to be worse than it is. Then he ponders this until he has it in his head that I am playing some kind of game or trying to manipulate him in some way! Most of the time, I am completely unaware of what the issue is because he won’t discuss what he is angry about! I can’t win. All I can tell you is that I have never tried to manipulate him in any way…however, he was betrayed by a close female co-worker and friend. So the only thing I can think of is that now he thinks all women are like she is. I have a letter all typed up outlining the two major issues we tend to argue over and have explained why I react the way I do. Explanation: he has gotten angry with me for turning out the light when we went bed because he believed that this meant that I did not want to make love. This was nothing new so I’m really not sure what prompted this at this time, but now I’m leery of turning out the light right away. Also, I can tell he’s upset about something by his actions (he tenses up when I touch him) and by his quick, terse responses to questions. The problem is, I can’t always tell if he’s upset with me or not. I’ve asked him several times to tell me if it’s me and what it was that I did or said to make him upset (sometimes it is over something he has totally imagined) but he refuses, saying that he doesn’t have to tell me everything that is going on in his head, or that he doesn’t need to be scripted every time he’s in a bad mood. The gist of this problem is that I was sexually abused in my first marriage and that totally trashed my self-esteem. As a result, my emotions are very hard for me to control, especially when he is angry over something that I may have done or said. My letter to him is merely an explanation of where I am coming from. There is no finger pointing, no quotes, no accusations; just explanation of the key points. Does this sound like a good plan, or should I shred it and try another approach. We have been married for 12 years and these are basically the only things we argue over. If the letter is a good idea, any suggestions as to what and/or how I should proceed? Thank you.

I’d say that a letter is a fine place to start but from what you are describing here, I would suggest more than that. Writing things down is an excellent way to clarify your own feelings. I often recommend both journaling and letter writing. Sometimes giving someone a letter is a nice way to communicate in a clear manner without emotions getting in the way. However, many people still need to work on being able to communicate verbally with each other without the yelling and blaming or the relationship doesn’t work. It sounds to me like the two of you could definitely benefit from marital therapy. Having a third person in the room is an excellent way to work on communication and problem solving without slipping into the same old patterns. If for some reason this isn’t an option I would at least suggest getting a well written book by a professional to help you. Some titles that I recommend are: The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work, Relationship Rescue, Getting the Love you Want, and Fighting for your Marriage. I know there are many others available that are helpful as well. I’m also wondering if you have addressed the sexual abuse you mentioned. Have you been in therapy yourself? If not, please consider this as well because you may still have some healing to do before you can ever truly trust or be fully open to someone. However, I don’t suggest being “fully open” to someone who is abusive either and some of your comments about your husband make me wonder about verbal and emotional abuse. Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband have some unhealthy ways of relating to each other and I hope you will get help so you can experience the richness that a healthy marriage can offer.

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My Husband Did Not Protect Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: Two years ago we went on a short trip to the mountains with my husband, his older brother and two other friends. My husband and I were not married at that time, but we were together for 10 years at that time and I’ve known his brother too for a long time. He has a hard personality, before I knew him, when I just started to date my husband, husband told me that his brother is bad and I shouldn’t talk much to him because he can upset people.

I was trying to keep the relationship normal with him, not being too close or anything. During the years there was a situation between him and my brother in law, husband’s brother treated him very bad, my brother in law was working for him but had to leave the job as they were not getting along at all, husband’s brother was treating him very bad. This situation upset me very much and we did have a fight because of that with my husband, I felt very angry because he just wouldn’t care how he treats other people and that this situation would upset us too. After that I was more aware of his temperament and tried to keep distant towards him.

So from the first evening I heard some comments from him that I think were meant to upset me, he is the older brother and their father died and he feels somewhat in charge of my husband, like he needs to protect him from me. He was saying that I don’t take care as I should for him, he was saying that his own wife (she did not come with us) treats him so well, and that I am not taking care of my husband so well as she does of him. I’ve heard that he is not treating his wife well. I haven’t responded any way to this, I just walked out of the room and did not want to spend the evening in his company.

Next day I was just trying to avoid him all day, was not talking to him almost at all. That must have been very annoying to him as in the evening he just started to say very hurtful things to me, shouting, when my husband was not around, I was just telling him to stop. He didn’t. Then I refused to go out anywhere with him, so me and my husband stayed in the cabin while he and others went out.

Next morning, we went to have breakfast, at the cabin’s restaurant, and he just started to insult and say bad things when me and my husband sat at another table. This is when my husband saw with his own eyes the aggressiveness he had towards me. It was very bad.

They went to ski for a few hours, but we just stayed in to wait for them so we will return home all together as we came with one car. In the car while driving he had another episode of anger and insult, after that I just cried for the rest of the time. I felt very disappointed of my partner, as I feel he didn’t protect me enough, I felt so alone.

I know my husband loves me very much, we are great together, but I can not forgive him for letting his brother treat me the way he did. My husband tells me that they talked and his brother is feeling bad about what happened, but I don’t believe that because with every occasion he has, the brother shows the same attitude towards me. I don’t know how to behave, every time i know they talked or met, I feel betrayed by my husband, and I show him how upset I am. It’s been two years since then, we barely meet, his brother calls him a lot though, if we meet there is so much tension, and I am always aware that he can again say something mean and I will be only on my own.

Let me offer you another perspective: You say your husband loves you and you are good together. You also say that your husband warned you years ago that his brother is a bad person. It looks to me like your husband has given up trying to change his brother — and probably for good reason. It may be that not “defending” you was the best defense of all.

For you to hold onto a grudge against your husband for two years will doom your marriage. You can’t continue feeling “alone”. He can’t sustain feeling like he is failing some kind of “test”.  It’s a wonder to me that the two of you have been able to live together for two years with this kind of tension between you.

Here’s what is real: Your husband hasn’t found a way to influence his brother to give up his anger or to get treatment for it. You can’t change his brother either — and you can’t change your husband’s relationship with his brother. Your husband doesn’t see a way to manage his brother differently or he would have done it long ago.

From what you shared, I think nothing good would have come from “defending” you on the ski trip. His brother would have only escalated. You had to make the drive home together so it may have been wise for your husband to do what he always does — ignore and placate, this time to make sure you had a ride home.

The problem for you is not that your husband didn’t leap to your defense. The problem is that you and your husband don’t have a clear mutual understanding about why maintaining some kind of relationship with brother is important and how to manage his anger issues and aggression.

I can’t offer a solution here. I just don’t have enough information. You and your husband need the guidance and support of a family therapist to get to the bottom of what goes on and to come up with ways to deal with brother — together. The situation is too painful for you both to carry on as you have done.

Please. Ask your husband to go with you to some sessions with a licensed family therapist. If he won’t go, go yourself. Often one partner has to take the lead before the other person feels comfortable joining in. You need expert help. Otherwise, I see a divorce in the making.

I wish you all well.

Dr. Marie

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Was My Ex Morally Wrong?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am an educated female who has struggled finding people to date who I find are a compatible match. It has also been difficult because my education tells me to make certain decisions about relationships but then I find others are making decisions that would go against what my education tells me, and they seem successful at their relationships. For example, I met an individual who essentially was not honest about his decision to not keep his three children when he had a choice to have sole custody. The mother also abandoned the children. He stated he felt great shame about his decision but then never made any contact or supported the children financially. He stated the children were better off when their grandparents. After receiving this information I continued the relationship because I didn’t want to judge his decision yet this type of behavior would indicate that if he left his children with another woman, I felt he could do it again if we had children. Morally, I thought what he did was wrong. He ended the relationship essentially because I was not able to get past that issue. One month later he met someone who was recently divorced and they eventually married now they have a child together and are happily married four years later. When I hear a story of two people such as this who find love, I question my own thought process..was I wrong for judging his behavior? Was it possible he still has the opportunity to be a great husband and father? Or does it come down to we are both capable of having a positive relationship but he and I were not compatible? Since I am the one who is still single searching for a compatible match, it makes me question my thought process, especially when it seems others around me seem to find love and marriage so quickly and easily. Do you have any insight?

Your question is difficult to answer. I need many more details. You stated that your ex was not honest about his decision regarding custody of his three children. In what way was he not honest? Did he outright lie to you? It would have been helpful to know what you meant by “not honest.”

Usually, the court determines custody. Did the court determine that the children were best suited to live with their grandparents? He may have very much wanted to be with his children but was not granted custody.

Another possibility, given the situation, is he may have determined that it was in the children’s best interest to live with their grandparents. For example, an analogous situation would be parents who send their children to boarding school. They may not want to be physically separated from their children but determined that the advantages of boarding school outweighed the disadvantages. Most would not characterize parents who sent their children to boarding school as being unloving or uncaring.

On the other hand, maybe he was completely irresponsible with his children. You mentioned that he was not willing to support them financially. Why was that? Was he unable to? Also, I wonder whether he attempts to make contact with them. Is he allowed to have contact with them? If the court awarded the grandparents sole custody, why was that the case? Was there something wrong? The key to determining whether his decision was morally correct (and subsequently determining whether your thinking was logical) lies in examining the circumstances surrounding the custody case.

I want to commend you for your willingness to examine your thoughts and behavior during the relationship. Many people are not open to such a process. It could prevent you from making poor decisions in the future. Unfortunately, given the limited information provided I cannot determine whether your thinking was logical or not. I believe that you are an excellent candidate for therapy. Why? Because you have a specific situation that you want to analyze. A therapist would be able to gather many more details about your relationship and could help you determine whether your thinking was rational and logical.

Here’s a link to a therapist directory. I hope you’re able to eventually figure out the answer to your question. If you would like to write back and provide more details I may be able to give a more specific answer.

Thanks for writing.

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Two-Month-Old Marriage is Failing

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m writing in desperate need as a last resort before divorce. My husband and I were married two months from yesterday, however, our short marriage has been anything but a fairy tale. It’s like he’s two totally different people. One minute he’s really sweet to me and the next he does and says unthinkable things to me. I don’t profess to be anywhere close to perfect, however, I don’t deserve his treatment. Here are some examples:

He’s told me a lot that I am lazy and fat and puts me down a lot.

About a month ago, I thought I might be pregnant so I told him. He punched me in the stomach and said that he wasn’t having a baby and that if I did, he would always be angry about it because it would ruin his life. Luckily, I wasn’t pregnant.

One Saturday, we were out shopping and he got mad about me not wanting to do something he wanted to do and told me he’d cheated on me. He later said he didn’t cheat on me, however, he frequently tells me about all the girls who are attracted to him at work.) He also said he hoped every day that I would die on my way home from or way to work so he wouldn’t have to deal with me anymore. He told me he wanted a divorce but then the next day he acted like nothing had happened. Sometimes when I ask him why he said or did something to me, he’ll say he didn’t know and other times he’ll act like he didn’t do or say what I’m asking about.

Last night we had a terrible fight and he told me I’m just like my family and it’s not in my DNA to be successful. I’m always going to be JUST a legal assistant. He yelled profanity at me and told me again he wants a divorce. This morning he came into where I slept (we frequently don’t sleep together) and kissed me and told me he loves me.

He likes for me to go with him to see his family, however, he never wants to go with me to see mine.

One day he got so mad that he pushed me and another time he threw my purse across the room so hard that it broke the case my glasses were in.

He never wants to have sex with me anymore and says he’s not attracted to me anymore.

He gives me one answer and then a few days later he’ll give me a completely different answer and act like I’m crazy for believing the first answer he gave or that he never even gave the first answer.

He usually gets mad when I ask him to clean up after himself, however, I work full-time just like he does and I refuse to be his mother or maid.

He’s very self-centered (always tells me how good-looking he is and flexes in front of the mirror a lot) and considers HIS money HIS (He’s always wanted to have separate accounts for our money.) He expects me to pay him every penny I “owe” him for my part of our rent and bills or if I have to borrow money from him, however, if he owes me money, he gets mad when I ask him for it. He has even told me I am sad and deserve nothing and he was embarrassed for me.

He tells me how much smarter and better he is than me.

He drinks beer every day and sometimes even before I wake up in the morning on the weekends. He’s also addicted to tobacco which I can’t stand. I don’t know if the alcohol makes him act the way he does sometimes or not.

I want to stay with him, but I just don’t feel like it’s ever going to get any better. I’ve begged and pleaded with him to go to therapy with me, however, he isn’t willing. Do you have any idea why he might act the way he does? Do you believe we have a chance?

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think you have a prayer of saving this marriage without sacrificing yourself. I don’t know why your husband is this way. Frankly, I don’t care. What I care about is that you are being treated so badly. This guy doesn’t want a partner, he wants someone he can subjugate and control. Don’t believe the apologies. Don’t believe the times he is sweet. He is manipulating you and gradually taking away your self-respect. The time he punched you when you thought you were pregnant should have been the last straw for you.

Get out. Get out now. Check out this website for information about where help is available near you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend and I Disagree on More Kids

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend has a child from a previous marriage. Well ive been feeling like “my clock is ticking” i know im only 22 but i cant stop thinking about having a baby. I dont know how to talk about it with my boyfriend and when i try he doesnt understand where im coming from and he says “i already have one” and it hurts my feelings cause its like hes saying “well i have one and u dont and too bad for u” and he says he wants more kids but when hes ready and then sometimes he say if i got pregnant it wouldnt be a problem and he wouldnt care cause he wants to have a baby with me and it will be just sooner rather than later. It confuses me. So how do i bring up the subject and see if he would rather have one now than later since he says it wouldnt be a problem anyways?

You don’t bring it up. Neither one of you is ready to have a baby. Your focus should be on each other and making your relationship as deep and solid as you can. Babies need to have parents who are fully committed to making a life together. Nowhere in your letter do you mention such a commitment or marriage.

At 22, your biological clock for bearing children is certainly not ticking. I have a guess that the talk about babies is more about wanting to pull your boyfriend closer to you. He does have a big commitment elsewhere. His other child will always be his first one. He will always have responsibilities toward that child. You can’t compete with that and you shouldn’t.

At some point, you will also be one of the adults in that child’s life. She or he will be spending time with the two of you and there will be times when you will effectively be a co-parent. It’s important for you to embrace that as an opportunity to love and make a difference in another young person’s life. Your relationship with the child and with your boyfriend, and your success as a parent to your own biological child will be affected by how you manage it.

When your boyfriend says he already has one, it is probably his way of telling you that he isn’t ready to add emotional and financial responsibility for another child to his life at this point. You should be in full support of his involvement and financial support of the child he already has. How he manages those obligations will be reflected in how he handles parenting a child you eventually have together.

Unlike your boyfriend, I don’t have trouble telling you that a pregnancy at this point is a very big problem. It’s unfair to your boyfriend, to your future child, and to yourself. You have more growing to do before you can be the kind of mother every child deserves.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Wife Is Having Emotional Affair

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Here’s my story: Married for 12 years with two beautiful children. During their upbringing, the wife and I grew distant of each other. She began to treat me badly with little respect and I began to emotional disconnect with her and stopped providing the emotional loving support that she needs. Looking back – we both were at fault!

Her solution was to start an emotional affair with an old boyfriend – it may have started with a sexual encounter but that’s not been confirmed. This lasted for 3 years and she continued to lie to me about it even though I knew the truth. This obviously affected my ability to reconnect to her emotionally. We have discussed this issue over the 3 years never getting to the root cause of her having an emotional affair. Her mindset is, “if I don’t get it from him, I’ll get it from someone else”. After time, she realized that she couldn’t take this affair any further and it began to slow down.

Then she was introduced to social networking and hooked up with another man from her past – and has started another emotional affair – this one is much more serious where they have told each other that they love each other and are trying to make plans to be together in the future – he’s married with children too. I found out about this affair and have confronted her with this. During these discussions, she FINALLY confirmed that she had an emotional affair #1 – something I knew all along. And insists that this is harmless. I however know better and have stumbled on to detailed information that prove this emotional affair is even more serious than the first. She claims to have broken it off completely, but I know for sure that they are still carrying on behind my back – she is now lying to me every day.

She is attempting to work with me to “fix” our marriage, but this to me is just to serve her guilt of what she’s doing. It’s hard to take anything she says or does seriously, since she is constantly lying to me and carrying on with this other man.

They are close to taking this emotional affair to the next level – meeting in person. I’m at the end of my rope – I’m trying to fight for my wife – but am questioning whether I’m wasting my time. She’s done this twice – what’s to prevent her from doing it again and again. I think she needs help but don’t understand what’s going on inside her head.

I need help – I need to understand what she is going through and is this worth saving our marriage, or is she beyond saving. Just let her go and be with the other man and let her become his problem.

The core of your relationship is gone, long gone. You can’t trust her. She lies to your face on a daily basis. She has decided that cheating and lying are an acceptable way to improve her life. The cost to you is quite secondary to her desires and imagined needs. There are many wives who are unhappy, feel neglected by their husbands and want much more in their lives. Some of them choose divorce and others choose to cheat. What is the difference between the two? Morality. To many good women, lying and cheating to enhance their lives is unacceptable. They choose divorce when they believe their marriage can not be improved.

Counseling can solve great problems in a relationship but counseling will not teach your partner morality. It is wrong to knowingly hurt other people. Lying is wrong and infidelity is wrong; according to every major religious doctrine that I am aware of.

You mention that her cheating is “emotional” and perhaps also sexual. She explains to you that emotional cheating is not really cheating. Love is emotion, perhaps the most powerful and meaningful of all emotions. When she turned to another man for her emotional needs, she invalidated the totality of her marriage to you. A marriage is based on love and trust and the most sincere belief that your partner will protect you from pain. Your partner has inflicted pain with a callous regard for your feelings and safety and overall well being.

She has purchased her happiness at the cost of your suffering. She plans to leave you and is making plans to do so. Does she care how this will upset your life or hurt you? You ask her to be honest with you. Why, because you would like to be prepared for your future. You would like to minimize the pain that potentially lies ahead. She continues to lie to you so that she will still have you if her affair doesn’t work out or her new man decides he doesn’t want her. You are her insurance.

What bothers me the most is her constant lying to you. She has found lying to be a functional part of her life. Dishonesty, cheating, deception are all signs of an unhealthy individual and all of these are certain poison to a relationship. Without trust there is no relationship. It’s time to think about your self. Stop thinking of her needs because she has long ago stopped being concerned about yours. She is not ready to leave you because she has yet to find someone who will accept her. I’m sure you are a convenient baby sitter and help pay the bills. You have proof that she is planning or at least attempting to leave you. Is your relationship over? It has been over for many years, even before her affairs.

She is insensitive to your well being. She doesn’t care if she lies or cheats and is anxiously attempting to find your replacement.

I can understand that she is unhappy in her marriage. I can understand that she wants more. I would agree that she should have a good strong marriage. I can not accept her belief that these things are accessible through lies and deception. I would say instead that theses things can never be acquired through lies. The only things acquired through deception and cheating is the illusion of that which she seeks.

The decision is yours. Good luck.

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Jealousy toward husband’s female workmate

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband has started a friendship with a workmate (female) 4 months ago, she is married we met her and her family. At first I was ok with it but I started getting jealous with the way my husband is extra attentive to her- we have other female friends too but to my observation he does not behave the way he is with them. He admitted that he like her more than he like our other friends, he enjoyed picking her up from home to go to work, it was his idea to carpool. He loves inviting them for family barbeque. He said he wants me to be friends with her- I am trying but my jealousy is still here. My husband is aware that I am jealous of his friendship with this person but assures me it is only friendship, a platonic one. Is it me who just had the problem, I admitted to him that I am jealous of the time he spent with her, like he would pick her up for work but have to go earlier so that they can have a coffee at her place ( sometimes the husband is home, other times it is just her at home). He asks me if I am ok, but when I say Iam not ok with this he seems not to be able to understand.Am I just stressing myself?

I feel like my feelings are not as important as his frienship, he would rather have this friendship inspite the fact that it is causing tension between us ( our marriage).He emails her and text her (several times a week), of which he has not done to other friends before. I ask that I read the emails/txt, it was ok with him. There was nothing there, just chitchat…but my question is he sees her at work, do carpools…does it mean he thinks about her more than necessary?

He also seem to be so concern of her- first he offered to carpool because they work nightshift and she only gets 2-3 hours sleep during the day so not really fit to drive. THen, he asks me if it is ok to have her daughter in the afternoon be dropped off to my place so that she can have a rest ( of which I said no because we already have our own kids. plus an additional child would be too much/noisy as he,my husband sleeps in the afternoon before going to work at 8.30).

Other small things too, she just need to txt him for small things and he’ll go, drive 15 minutes to her place to lend her pliers, pick up this or that etc.) Please help me, how can I deal with this, how can I overcome this feeling.

This person is also aware that I am jealous of her, my husband told her that first time that we had the discussion. She said, she didn’t intend to cause trouble between me and my husband and hopes all is ok now. That time, she decided not to carpool with my husband, then after a cooling period of one week, my husband asked if he’ll pick her up again, she did say she’ll drive to work but my husband insist that it will be no trouble, that I am ok with it. I am not really ok with it, because I said to my husband that time, what if she decided not to carpool anymore he said, well he’ll be disappointed because he likes her company and since there is nothing really going on it should be alright. I told him I would prefer if he’ll just let it be, I mean since she bowed out that to leave it like that. But obviously, that didn’t happen. What am i to do? Thank you for your time and advice.

It’s very hard for me to assess a situation like this on the basis of a letter. It might be that your husband is more attracted to this woman than he is admitting to you or to himself. But the fact is, he’s been very open with you and has not acted defensive in any way – even when you asked to see his texts. That suggests that at the very least he’s trying to be respectful of your feelings.

The other possibility that occurs to me is that your husband is lonely for a friend. Working night shift makes it tough to have friends or even to be as close to you as he might want to be. Then along comes this person who he not only likes but who shares the same difficult schedule. It’s possible that what you are sensing is the beginning of a romance. But it’s also possible that what you are seeing is the enjoyment of a new friend.

If you two were seeing me in my office, I would want to ask you if you each have close friends you do things with and confide in. For many people, having young children and working third shift tend to crowd out having friends. Our partners can’t be everything to us. People need a social group. If your husband doesn’t have friends, I would then suggest to you that his solution is a healthy one. Make friends with her too and expand your social circle.

On the other hand, if your husband does have good friends in his life, I would wonder why this particular relationship is so important that he is willing to hurt your feelings to continue it. Is he feeling sorry for a single mom? Or is he letting himself get more involved with her than he should because it is kind of exciting to be around her? The answers to those kinds of questions would help you both figure out what role this woman has in his life and if it is a threat to your marriage.

I’m sorry to give you such an unsatisfying answer to your question. That always happens when an answer is “it depends.” What I do suggest you do is keep talking. Perhaps some of the ideas I’ve offered give you a different direction for your conversation. Work hard not to accuse or blame. Instead, just try to be interested in what it is that he is getting out of the relationship. Once you understand that, you’ll be in a much better position to make your own decisions.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Have a Marriage Proposal But I Think that He Is Depressed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Iran: I am a PhD candidate of structural engineering. I have a proposal of marriage from a man who is a PhD of pharmacy and 35 years old. He is the faculty of a good university in my country. I think he suffers from depression. He does his works very slowly. He has so few friends and has not any special fun except listening to classic music and watching movie. He says that he wakes up easily by a weak sound at night.

He regrets why he did not marry with one of his classmates during study at university because of having no job and money (he did not talk about special person, he said it generally). He says that he knows his classmates for 6 years and it was long enough to know a person. But now he has not enough time to know and should marry with a person who knows for a short time.

We know each other for 4 months and we are far from each other and he calls me three times a week and talks 1 hour maximum. I like to talk more but he does not. he does not ask me any special question to know me. I ask questions most of the times.

He said that he loves his works but also he complains the conditions.he says that he is an introvert and calm person. I think that he is depressed. He does not feel happiness of his life. However,he says jokes some times. I laugh one or two times during talking with him.

I am an extrovert and energetic girl with high social relations. I love travel, tennis, music and poem. Please help me to know am I right? Does he have any mental problem? Best Regards

I think you are asking the wrong question. I don’t know if he is depressed. But I do wonder if he is the man for you. From your letter, it sounds like this man barely knows you but is offering marriage. Although he states he loves you, he also indicates he is hurrying to marry because he thinks he missed meeting the right person while in college. That isn’t a very compelling basis for making a lifelong commitment.

Also of concern is how different you are. I don’t know if he is clinically depressed but he certainly doesn’t sound very happy or very involved with life. You, on the other hand, have many interests and like to be with people. Imagine what it will be like to be married to him. Will he be content to stay at home while you go off to do things with friends? Will you like doing things by yourself? Or do you think you will have to adapt to his lifestyle and give up all the things you like to do to be married to him?

If you are seriously considering marrying this man, I hope you will find a way to spend some extended time with him to see what it’s like to be a couple. If you can’t do that, I hope you will talk deeply and seriously about his expectations and yours for what it means to be a married couple. Are you compatible enough?

You are young. You have plenty of time to find someone else if the two of you aren’t a match. Both of you deserve to have a happy life with a partner who really wants to be with you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Death of an in-law and confused at my role as wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband’s father committed murder/suicide less than a month into our marriage. His father lived in a different state. We flew my husband out the day that his father died and I followed the next day. I stayed there for about a week to help/mourn/be there but I had to return due to obligations with work and school. I did not want to leave and separating from my husband was very difficult so soon after our marriage and his father’s shocking death. My husband decided he wanted to stay longer because he is very worried about his sisters.

My husband, his sisters, and I are all very close in age. His youngest sister is in a long-term relationship and is very close to her boyfriends parents. She also has many other loving friends in their hometown. His middle sister has a very loving and supportive group of friends. His mother (not his father’s wife) also lives close to both sisters.

My father also died three years ago so this event brought up a lot of emotions for me. Although I did have my mother and other friends near by when I flew back, no one here knew my father-in-law and do not really understand the type of grieving we were going through. Not many people can say they know someone who committed a murder suicide! I loved my father-in-law and was so grateful to have him around after the death of my father and looked forward to him being in our life when we had grandchildren.

I feel like my husband and I should be going through this together but he just says he knows we’ll be fine and that he needs to be there for his sisters. I feel guilty about my feelings and am worried that I am not being supportive enough. I obviously recognize that he is in shock and grieving and I want to be there for him but its very difficult when we are so far apart. In the meantime his youngest sister has gone back to work and his other sister has moved back to their hometown to find a job and be close to friends. From what I see they are moving on and do not necessarily need my husband as much as he thinks they do.

I’m not comparing my loss to his, but I do feel like he is completely ignoring my grief and and our needs as newlyweds because of his intense worry for his sisters. I too, am grieving the death of my father-in-law, but feel guilty that I want and need my husband in this time. I am struggling with my husband’s choice to stay in his home state for so long and leave me alone on the other side of the country. Am I right to feel this way?

I think you are right to be concerned. Your husband seems to be leaning on the idea that his sisters need him when it may be that he is needing them. They seem to have started the path back to regular life. Your husband seems stuck. I wonder if he understands that feelings of shame and anger as well as grief and loss are normal at a time like this. He may be having great difficulty reconciling his father’s violent death with the father he knew. Since he is the only male child, he may be scared that there is something in the male line that he will “inherit.” It’s unlikely, of course. But such feelings aren’t rational. They are born of grief and fear. He may think that only his sisters, who grew up in the same family and who knew his father as he did, can truly get what he is going through.

You didn’t mention how long the two of you have been apart but since his sisters seem to be reclaiming their lives, it’s time he did as well. It may be that one block is that your husband thinks that being with you will add your grief to his and that he will be overwhelmed by it. He may be afraid that you will be offended if he asks you to give him some space for awhile. Your job is to tell him that you understand that everyone grieves differently. Reassure him that you will take his lead about what to talk about and how much to talk about it. Let him know that it will be enough for now to just have him home so that you can quietly support each other.

If, when he gets home, the two of you can’t find a way to move forward without hurting each other, it might help you to see a grief counselor for a few sessions. You’re right that few of your friends will be able to really get what you’re going thorugh. A counselor who specializes in loss will. Some support and specific suggestions about how to move forward may be what you both need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How to I Get My Mother and Wife to Get Along?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an adult man the Bahamas:  My wife, mother and I recently went through a traumatic experience, which has forced us to now live under the same roof. My mother is over 70 with lots of health issues, and also lots of bad habits. Nothing overly serious. She doesn’t clean up after herself, complains a lot, and also tries to monopolize a lot of my personal time.She’s not easy to live with, and my wife has zero patience for her.

Recently, the two of them had a major blow-up, leading to some harsh words being said. They’re presently not speaking, with nothing looking to change in the near future. They won’t even eat dinner together anymore, with my mom eating hers on a TV tray in her bedroom. The tension, on top of everything else that we’ve gone through recently, is really taking a toll on me.

My wife needs to work on her empathy, and my mother needs to clean up some bad habits, but neither will sit down to talk it out. I see both sides. My mom is hard to deal with, although not aggressively so. But my wife’ reactions to my mom’s missteps are so over the top, when my wife is generally a really sweet person.

My wife will admit that her reactions are over the top, but will argue that her motivation is justified. My mom doesn’t see her shortcomings. She sees my wife as the typical daughter in law that doesn’t want her mother in law around, and there ends the story for her. Neither see their faults, or are willing to discuss peace or compromise.

We currently live together in a very small apartment, and its getting unbearable. Because of my mother’s health, I can’t just send her on her way and tell her she’s on her own, as she’s a widow and I’m an only child. She can’t afford a senior home, and there’s no other family to help, so what we have is what we have.

I’m just scared that my wife will one day reach the end of her rope and just leave. What can be done to help this situation and restore peace to what was once a very pleasant household?

Oh my. You are all in an unfortunate arrangement and you seem caught in the middle between two women you love. It’s not your job to make them comfortable with each other. It is everyone’s job to find a way to live together peacefully even if your wife and mother don’t like each other very much.

Obviously, if you could get the two of them to get along, you would have done so already. I did a little research and found out that there are couples and family counselors in Nassau. Please, for the sake of your own sanity and the comfort of everyone involved, make an appointment. Ideally, your wife and mother will go with you. If they refuse, still go by yourself. You need the practical guidance and emotional support of a counselor who is experienced with these kinds of family problems. The therapist can hear your whole story and will know what alternatives are possible where you live.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Should I Call Off the Wedding?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I am a 22 year old recent graduate and my fiance is 30 years old and a hard worker as a business analyst. We started dating when I was 18 (he was 26). We dated through my years at school, he broke up with me shortly twice in our earlier time together (my family was not very accepting of me dating and he saw that). Later when I moved to Dallas for the last two years of nursing school, we decided to move in together.

By the end of the summer, I realized I wasn’t ready to live with someone esp since school and my career as a nurse was extremely important to me. When I moved out, we broke up for a month and stared dating again. In all my four years at school I never went “out” or attended parties. I was very focused on nursing and I felt it was inappropriate to go out with friends to bars/ clubs when I was in a serious relationship.

A year ago he asked me to marry him, I was elated and said yes. We are very close/ good friends and easily made plans for the future. We are now 10 months from the wedding (I wanted to finish school and start working comfortably before marrying so we planned a 2 year engagement).

I never thought my being 22 would be a problem, I have always been kind of conservative. However lately since I have had time off before my new job I am realizing I may not be ready for marriage or as conservative as I thought. I can see a great future with him and he loves me very much, but I also have so many independent things I want to accomplish and frankly living together recently has made me want to be more independent.

Its difficult to think of hurting the man I love and call my friend. I find myself wanting to save for grad school, decorate my own place (which I don’t have), and spend more time with my friends as well as actually go out. I am very confused and have had anxiety about whether to call off the wedding. I do frequently miss dating also, since I haven’t dated someone else since I was 17. Any thoughts on if this may be something I can work on with him or am I just not ready to dedicate my life to someone else?

Sometimes when we ask a question, we already have the answer. I don’t think your ambivalence about getting married is a case of having cold feet. I think you’ve made a reasonable assessment of your own situation.

Often people who started dating when they were in high school just kind of slide into marriage. They and the people around them just seem to think it’s the next logical step in the relationship. Sometimes it works out fine. But sometimes it is at the cost of finding out who they are as individuals and discovering what (and who) they want in life. It’s not at all uncommon to find that the person they chose at 15 or 17 isn’t necessarily the kind of person they would choose as an adult. This realization is often painful for everyone concerned.

In your case, your fiance is enough older than you are that he probably did have the time to come into himself before he met you. You on the other hand, were in a different developmental stage. Having denied yourself experiences that are common during the college years, you now find yourself on the brink of making a lifelong commitment to someone else when you aren’t really sure who you are.

It’s not my place to tell you what to do. Only you can search your heart and mind and decide what is best for both of you. But I will venture that it is not fair to a future partner (or to yourself) to launch into marriage with significant doubts.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Wife’s Issues Harming Children

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am fairly convinced that my wife has some degree of bi-polar disorder. She goes into fits of rage over any question about her, her parents or upbringing. She constantly belittles me and talks bad about my family to the children.

It has escalated in recent years with her attempting to push me, going into 20 minute tirades where she brings up everything that I had done over the last 12 years and her drinking has increased. She drinks to the point that she is carried out of neighborhood parties with the children crying out of embarrassment then blames me. Those who dont tolerate it are ‘fake people’ but the others are ‘true friends’ and she has been going out and staying out all night this past month.

What is of greatest concern is that her explosions have increasingly come in front of the children resulting in them crying hysterically and her threatening to ‘kick me out’. She yells at them and then goes into a dialog of how much she does for them and how lucky they are.

It is very stressful but I need confirmation that this is what I am dealing with and how do I proceed?

It’s unclear whether your wife has bipolar disorder. Emotionally she is unstable but it might be due to her drinking. The fact that she is drinking makes it difficult to determine if a mental health disorder is present or if her drinking is the main problem. It may be a combination of both but I cannot make that determination based on this short letter.

What is clear is that your wife’s drinking is excessive and is causing a great deal of distress for your marriage and for your children. Both you and the children are subjected to her tirades. It’s abusive, unacceptable and something needs to change.

Encourage her to seek psychological treatment or inpatient rehabilitation if necessary. If she is unwilling to seek treatment, then you must take action. This might include seeking psychological help for yourself so that you know how best to deal with your wife or temporarily moving out of the home. Your children should not be subjected to your wife’s tirades. It most certainly frightens them and it’s abusive.

You may also want to consider an intervention. By this I mean you and members of your family come together as a group and ask your wife to seek help. During the intervention, members of the group describe how her behavior is affecting them and ask her to receive help. Perhaps she would be willing to seek help if she knew how her behavior was negatively affecting friends and family.

I can confirm the fact that there is a problem but I cannot determine the precise problem that is causing your wife to behave in such an unstable manner. Utilize the help of mental health professionals to assist you in dealing with your wife and children. I firmly believe that trained mental health professionals can give you the best advice about how to proceed. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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