Tag:

Menopause

Early Menopause?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 20, 2024

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

After about six months of going to doctors and more doctors to try to find an explanation for some strange physical symptoms I have been having, I was recently told that I am very likely to go through menopause in the next two years or so. As a 26 year-old who recently finished a master’s degree and just finished my first year in a job that I love, this news was not only surprising, but also devastating. I’m single, have always been healthy, and haven’t really given much thought to having children yet. Now I’m faced with decisions that I feel completely unprepared to make. I have talked with my doctors who have suggested that I look into freezing my eggs (sooner rather than later), fertility clinics who have overwhelmed me with information about the process of retrieving, storing, and freezing my eggs as well as IVF, and friends and family members who all have opinions of their own.

I have spent these past few days reflecting, weighing my options, praying, crying, trying to listen to myself, and trying to make some sort of decision about whether or not to go through the extremely expensive process of saving my eggs, knowing that the success rates are low. I do not know whether I want to have children. I know I’m not ready to have them now as I am starting a career and figuring out who I am, but what if I want them in five or ten years? I know adoption would be a possibility–and I know that I could love an adopted child as if they were my own biological child.

I went from living my life in the present a few weeks ago to being rushed into the future. I suddenly have doctors asking me how I would feel about having a child in the next year or so (which I’m not ready to do) or how I would feel about freezing my eggs (or fertilizing them and freezing the embryos) or how I would feel about never having my own biological children. I’m overwhelmed with such big questions, and I feel completely unprepared to make these decisions.

I see a therapist regularly, and she and I have begun to talk through my options and all of the pros and cons. It feels like there is no “right” or even “good” choice. The more information I gather, the more complicated and confusing everything seems. I am leaning toward letting my body do what it is going to do naturally and to later adopt children if I choose to do so, but I’m afraid to commit to that decision, because I know it comes with deep grief, sadness, and potentially irreversible consequences. No matter how much I obsess about this or learn more about the process, I don’t come up with a decision I feel good about. How am I supposed to go about making such a decision?

Your situation moved me deeply because your thoughtful nature and awareness are so keenly attuned to the dynamics of your situation. I hope I can offer a perspective that can be helpful.

Dan Gilbert is a Harvard psychologist who studies how we think about the future and try to predict what will make us happy when we get there. I am reducing his immense body of work to a few sentences which could not possibly do it justice, but in essence he explains that we don’t do a very good job of predicting what will make us happy –that we are more or less over-influenced by the present moment and that causes us to make systematic errors in what we think will make us happy down the road.

What tends to be true is that our happiness and what brings us a sense of contentment comes from having the courage to face our life circumstances directly. When we can accept our challenges and joys that are hidden in our life circumstance with an open attitude then we take our life and turn it into a work of art.

Stay with yourself. Stay present with your mind and your body. You already have a trusted therapist and a team of doctors. It seems to me the work is to stay present with yourself and don’t lose these moments of your life to indeterminate futures. What I am encouraging you to do is cultivate a mindfulness meditation practice. Notice where your mind takes you. Here is more information about mindfulness.

The shift is toward self-acceptance and believing that you will be okay with yourself regardless of what you decide.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 20, 2024 0 comments

‘Menopausal’ Mother

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 12, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 15 years old and I live in a well-off lifestyle with my parents and three other sisters. This summer me and my family moved from Connecticut — after 10 years — to Utah. Since the move there have been major issues that escalate in our family unit. However, one of them is particularly overwhelming. I have understood time and again the science and basic things behind menopause, but never truly embraced it. Because facing it who would? My mother keeps on telling me that she has finished menopause, but I can never shake the feeling that I need to make excuses for her mood swings. When her mood swings started she would usually apologize and I would say “it’s ok” every. single. time. However, not that we moved the mood swings come more often, more ferocious, and never actually go away. Fights have escalated to the point where she has stood in front of me and told me to go “fuck myself” I would then just stand there baffled while she continued to scream. To cool off I would get out of the house and walk my dogs for as long as I could. Getting back home she pouts and ignored me until my father comes home and she starts complaining about how I am “so disrespectful” and “should be punished.” As you can see, her plans never involve confronting me and trying to work things out.

I don’t know what to do anymore or how to act around her. I feel as though she is a ticking time bomb about to explode and I’m always the person in the line of fire. With the pressures of grades and all of the other problems I face at home all I can do is count down the days until I leave for college and never have to walk back into that house. Thank you for reading this and I hope there can be anything resolve our differences.

Thanks for your thoughtful letter. This is a tough one because you are caught in the middle of something that you have very little control over. At 15 you are not going to be able to manage all the family dynamics. Whatever is going on for your mom isn’t something you created or can cure. But you can be clear about limits.

I would first talk to your high school counselor about what is happening. In order to deal with your mom you need some support, and the counselor is the first person you can talk to about this. Additionally, here is a free hotline for you to call that will put you in touch with a counselor who will guide you through the next steps to get support, and how to deal with mom when it happens again.

Your mother telling you to “fuck off” isn’t ok in any instance, and you need to have enough support around you so that the next time it happens you can confront her. Verbal abuse by a parent isn’t acceptable. Her blaming you and not seeing her role in this will mean you need support to help yourself. The counselor and the hotline should help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 12, 2023 0 comments

Anger, Depression and Symptoms of Menopause

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. May 18, 2022

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Hi, I’ve been struggling to help my mum. I’m not sure how to help her, what to say or where she should go to find help. She is 53 years old, fit and healthy. She is currently going through menopause and has been married to my dad for over 30 years. For the last 3 years (since my parents moved from the western suburbs to live on the beach) my mum has been acting completely out of order. She is extremely jealous about when my dad is happy. My mum makes these ideas in her head that my dad is going to leave her for someone else and that everyone (me, my sister and my dad) are all against her. She acts irrational by throwing wooden chopping boards across the room when she is completely aggravated. I fear for her well being and my dad’s.

I’m not sure how to help, because when she’s in this frame of mind there is no way of talking to her. When she’s happy again I don’t want to bring up my concern because of how she will react. I don’t think she is suffering from depression or anger management but i just don’t know what to do. She is controlling, jealous and doesn’t want people to be happy because she is not happy. I don’t know what to do to make her “happy” because when I’ve asked her, she doesn’t even know. I feel that she is very lost. DO and HOW do i get her to see someone for help. Like a therapist? or, do you know what these symptoms are a tell tale sign of? Thanks for advice. (age 27, from Australia)

This is an interesting question and I’m not sure what could have caused the change that you are describing in your mother. Maybe the move has uncovered or triggered something in her, maybe the hormonal and mood changes that can accompany menopause could be a factor, or maybe there is something else going on entirely.

However, I do feel that it is appropriate to speak to her about your concerns. It might be best to first speak with your father and sister so that you are all on the same page, and you might even want to plan a time in which you all sit down with her together to share your concerns, rather than you taking it on alone.

It will be important to speak to your mom at a time when she is calm, rather than during or immediately following one of these episodes. Make it clear that you are speaking to her out of love and concern, not judgment. Have some resources prepared such as information about local therapists or mental health agencies, but I would suggest that she start with a medical exam to eliminate potential physical causes. Having said all this, I must also say that you can’t force your mom to follow through on any of it. She is an adult and will make her own decisions but I hope that when she sees how much you care, she will look into getting some help. I wish you luck.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

May 18, 2022 0 comments

Social Anxiety Tied to Prior Manic Phase Activities

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 14, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My wife has been diagnosed as Bipolar since her induced menopause from 7-8 years ago. Her behavior has changes sporadically during that time, culminating in a serious manic phase earlier in the year where her Xanax use and alcohol abuse resulted in some very troubling actions. I had to file for divorce in order to protect myself it got so bad. Eventually we were able get her to agree to committing herself to a Mental Health program in southern FL that took about 2-3 months to complete followed by 6 weeks of group therapy locally. She is now back home, on the proper medications and actually doing well. My concern is I cannot get her to reach out to family and friends. I really believe this all stems from being ashamed of her manic behavior earlier, which really was out of control. She is fine with me but hardly ever leaves the house or talks to anyone. Her doctor says to give it time but I think she needs therapy to address this. Do you have any suggestions? She has come so far but cannot seem to move forward.

You mentioned that she had engaged in some “very troubling actions” so much so, that you needed to file for divorce in order to protect yourself. It would’ve been helpful to have included more details about her troubling actions for context. More information would have made it easier to understand why she is now reluctant to reach out to friends and family.

You are pushing her to do something that she is not comfortable doing. Again, without more information about her history, it’s difficult for me to know whether or not you are doing the right thing. The fact that her doctor does not endorse your idea leads me to believe that it may simply be too soon for her. Her doctor knows all of the facts of her case and is still advising you to “give it time.” People are ready when they are ready and no sooner. You might be prematurely pushing her to do things that she’s not ready to do.

She might feel a great deal of shame and embarrassment about what happened. That can be difficult to get over. You mentioned that she had been in treatment, but it’s not clear that she’s in treatment now. She obviously has a doctor but it’s not clear whether she also has a therapist and is in counseling. You might encourage her to undergo counseling to examine why she is reluctant to connect with friends and family. Counseling is the ideal place to deal with these types of issues.

One potential risk of pushing her to do things too soon might be her having another episode. You would never want to jeopardize her mental stability by pushing her to do something she’s not ready to do. It might be best to follow the doctor’s orders.

Talk to your wife. Voice your concerns but don’t push her too hard. Ask her why she’s reluctant to reach out to friends and family. You might already know or think you know but it wouldn’t hurt to ask her to expound upon her reasons and to share her feelings. She might need more time to overcome whatever it is that she’s feeling as a result of that difficult time in her life.

If you’re uncertain about how to proceed or are struggling with your relationship, you might consult a therapist, for individual counseling. There you might learn helpful strategies for supporting your wife. It can be difficult to love someone with mental health issues. That’s one of the primary reasons that advocacy groups such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) exists. It was started by family members who struggled with their lack of support for their loved ones with mental illnesses.

I hope this issue can quickly come to a resolution. It may simply be that she needs more time and you need more patience. A therapist could assist you in making a determination about how best to proceed. Thank you for your question. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

January 14, 2021 0 comments