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Will He Change?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with the same man for almost 27 years, we have 3 children / when we first met he was very controlling always flipping out if i went out name calling etc. Once I came home late went to sleep and woke up to him punching my leg that punch left a bruise for days. when I had my first child he wouldn’t come to the hospital because he was out the night before and hungover and I told him to leave my house well half hour later he showed up at the hospital and in front of a room full of visitors told me to go F myself he didn’t need my shit. when he left i curled up in a ball in the bathroom and cried like a baby because i was so embarrassed.

he has also ripped my clothes pulled wires out of my vehicle so I couldn’t go out when he would leave me, I called him I cried I begged and after a few days he would come home then one day I snapped, he hit me and I hit him right back then had him arrested, we had a crazy relationship for years and I even threw him out for good only to take him back after him begging and my 5 year old asking me to give him another chance.

now fast forward years and 2 kids later there is no physical abuse but first we never got married, he says why ruin a good thing Everything we have houses,cars etc is all in his name. I have nothing in my name. He even has to make sure he has control over my eldest daughter. He takes care of her but again everything in his name – the house she lives in, the car she drives all his, He flies off the handle over stupid things. He’ll call me complaining tenants are not paying rent and when i say boot them he tells me that’s why i’ll never be in business cause i have no clue how businesses are run. He jokes how he’s gonna trade me in for 2 22 year old’s or how all these woman want him. I always say go for it they will sure get a great catch and other times i tell him it hurts me when he says those things. His response I’m only joking don’t be such a b….

I have worked side by side with this man for years and now only work one day a week with him because i watch our Granddaughter while my daughter works and goes to school. lately i have been feeling so down I have been diagnosed with depression and adhd but with no insurance it’s hard to get medication. I can’t leave because i have no money. He does give me some when i need it but I know if I leave i will get nothing. I guess you can say I do love him but at the same time I hate every inch of him at times.I also feel that if we married i would feel more secure about leaving him. heck I even day dream of winning the lottery and watching myself walk out the door and never look back. can I get him change? or am I just stupid

You aren’t stupid but you are worn down and worn out. He won’t change. He has no need to. He doesn’t want to ruin a “good thing” because he is good with how things are. He’s not interested in your feelings or whether things are “good” for you. He’s only interested in being totally in control.

Underneath all his bluster and controlling behaviors is a man who is so insecure he can’t manage being in relationship with a woman who is his equal. He deals with his feelings of inferiority by acting superior and keeping the people around him dependent. As you have already discovered, he can be dangerous so please don’t feel too sorry for him.

You need practical help to get out of this destructive and dangerous relationship. Fortunately there are services for women like yourself at the local YWCA. Call 604-625-5785 for information about how they may be able to help. When you need support, you can also call the hotline at 800-799-7233. See this website for more information.

Write these resources down. Then erase your computer history. Use a computer at a friend’s house or at the library to follow up. Men like yours often become enraged when women they have put down and hurt start to look for help.

Get out — for your own self-respect and to show your kids that a woman shouldn’t tolerate belittling behavior from someone who says he loves her. You deserve better. They need to have a role model for how to stop this type of relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Hurt By Betrayal

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW March 14th, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I was with my ex for only a few months, but as far as I was concerned it was a serious relationship. Towards the beginning of our relationship we discussed various issues which we both had – he had been sexually abused as a young child, and I had been sexually assaulted only a year before I met him. We discussed these issues and how they affected us in terms of our relationships with other people. I realise it sounds naive, but I fell in love with him and would have done anything to help him. He confided in me that he was in a substantial amount of debt and was constantly worried that his house and possessions would be repossessed etc., and despite the fact that I am a student and have very little money to myself, I had a part-time job (while he was unable to find a job) and lent him around £1000. He always swore that he would pay this money back, but after splitting up with me he decided that he wouldn’t. Legally, I can’t do anything about this because neither of us signed any kind of contract.

It’s not the money as such which has hurt me, but is the betrayal from a man I love. Only a few days ago he was telling me that he still loved me and missed me, and that his new girlfriend didn’t make him as happy as I once did. We appeared to be getting things back on track, but as soon as I mentioned him paying me back, everything changed. I was reasonable about it, and said that he could take his time to pay me back in installments as he still hasn’t been able to find a job, but despite me being civil and reasonable about the situation, he has thoroughly betrayed me. Although I don’t feel that I love him anymore, I’m extremely concerned that I can’t trust people like I trusted him, because I’m too worried that I’ll be betrayed in the same way. Can you offer me any advice on getting over/moving on from this kind of betrayal? I’d be ever so grateful. Thank you.

Thanks for writing in for help. How incredibly painful to experience to have someone you’ve loved promise something and then go back on his promise. It sounds like this is just one of several betrayals in your life. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:

  • Why was I attracted to someone whose life was financially unstable and who was living in fear?
  • Were there any relationship warning signs in the beginning of the relationship that I didn’t want to see?
  • Why was I so willing to get back together with him after he had broken my trust by refusing to to pay me back?

If you haven’t already done so, I suggest that you get some therapy to help you work on your earlier abuse experience so you can see warning signs in relationships more clearly. I know you’re concerned about not being able to trust again, but honestly, I am more concerned that you will continue to trust people who aren’t trustworthy and put yourself at risk for being hurt. Please find a therapist who can help you understand and resolve emotional and relationship patterns so you can be free to create healthy relationships. Thank you again for your courage and honesty, and for asking for help.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Creative Commons License photo credit: craigCloutier

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In love with two different people?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 29th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been in a relationship for the past 4 years and now things are changing. At first, my boyfriend was really nice and a complete gentleman, but ever since we moved in together last year, he is rarely nice to me and gets angered easily. He has gone as far as prohibiting things I can do, like what music I can listen to. He is verbally abusive and has told me that he feels like hitting me sometimes. I also feel like I can’t be myself around him. I’m not always happy in the relationship. I never considered leaving the relationship until recently when I saw the guy that was my first love.

I met this boy through my cousin when I was 10 years old and I automatically was attracted to him. We dated for a couple of days, but because he lives in a different country, I only saw him once a year or so. I hadn’t seen him in the past 5 years and I finally saw him again this summer when I went on vacation. When I saw him, all the feelings I had felt for him came back and I felt like that same 16 year old that once gave him my everything. He told me that he still thought about me and that he would give up everything to be with me again. I felt really happy for the first time and ended up kissing him while my boyfriend, back in the US, has no idea that I even saw this guy.

Now I am completely confused. I don’t feel guilty at all for cheating on my boyfriend and kissing this guy. In talking to my cousin, she suggested that maybe I am just with my current boyfriend because I am comfortable in that position, even if I am not completely happy. I find it hard to make a decision between these two boys. I do love them both very much, but I can’t decide whether to stay in this relationship and possibly live a life of complacency or leave this relationship and give my first love a chance.

I don’t think you should do either. Your relationship isn’t healthy. It’s only a matter of time before he moves from feeling like hitting you to doing it. Rather than addressing his anger management issues, he is trying to control you. You shouldn’t put up with this kind of treatment on the basis of a memory of a sweeter time together.

You shouldn’t jump into a relationship with the other guy either. It’s easy to idealize someone you met so young and who you’ve had so little contact with. I don’t think you are in love. I think you are convincing yourself you are in order to lever yourself out of a toxic relationship. That isn’t fair to him. It isn’t fair to yourself either. You need to take the time to heal from the relationship with your current guy and to figure out why you would put up with such treatment. To give the new relationship the best chance possible and perhaps to let real love grow, you need to learn how to establish a relationship that is based on mutual respect and equality.

I did a search on the Internet and found SafePlace, a program in your city for women who are in an abusive relationship. I strongly urge you to contact them and to see one of the counselors there. They can help you safely withdraw from your boyfriend and do the personal work you need to do so you don’t get into a similar situation again. Their website is
http://www.safeplace.org and the phone number is 512-267-SAFE.

Take the time to take care of yourself. You deserve it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend cannot reach an erection with me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for two and a half years now. During the first 8 months of our relationship we had sex almost everyday, our relationship was amazing. Then in the end of September I found out that he cheated on me, I was devastated so we broke up. Two months later we got back together and I noticed that our sex life fizzled. We still had sex but not nearly as much. While we were broken up he had sexual relations with other girls and I wonder if those other girls made him less sexually attracted to me? Well, zoom past a year later in November in 2010, he broke up with me for reasons that I’m still not sure about, he basically gave me the, “its not you, its me” speech. Towards the end of December, we started back talking and I thought that we were going to get back in a relationship but then he explained to me that he met another girl that he liked and who he thought was more attractive than I am and went on to explain that he didn’t I pretty That crushed my self-esteem because all of that time I thought we had relationship problems because of my actions but never my looks. After that I hated looking at the mirror at myself because I thought/think that I’m ugly and the only time that I did look in the mirror was to scrutinize my flaws and point out exactly what made me not pretty. A month later, my boyfriend came back and said that he made a mistake and that he didn’t think that I was ugly and that he loved me and wanted to be back with me. So, since then we’ve pretty much been in an open relationship, we’ve been back together for about 6 months and they have been amazing but he never ever wants to have sex with me and when we try he isn’t able to reach an erection. He explains that it isn’t because he doesn’t find me sexually attractive and that he doesn’t know what the problem is. Since we are in an open relationship, he isn’t able to have sex with me but he is able to with other girls. I still feel like he doesn’t think that I am pretty or find me sexually attractive but we have got into plenty of arguments where he argues that he thinks that I am. I don’t know what to do because I want our relationship to work but I don’t think that it will be able to if he can’t have sex with me. We’ve only had sex one time since we’ve gotten back together and I don’t want to have sex with other guys. I want a normal relationship. Do you think that the reason he cannot get or keep an erection with me is physical or psychological and what can we do to overcome this barrier? I am in love with him and he is my best friend. I don’t want this to be the cause of the end of our relationship.

Thank you for writing to us. The easiest way I can convey what I am about to say is that it is time to move on.

Open relationships do not work. It is as simple as that. They have limited value as a transitional stance, but ultimately the very human factors of security, intimacy, and self-esteem eclipse the transitional stance. If they work at all it is because they prevent deeper intimacy, not promote it. For those who want to keep intimacy at bay an open relationship will do the trick.

That having been said, your relationship does not sound truly open. You have not mentioned your side of the equation. If he is having sex with other women, are you having sex with other men? If not, why not? If it is because you are hoping to be faithful and that he will eventually curtail his other relationships, history would dictate you are wasting your time.

He doesn’t sound like relationship material. If intimacy is what you are looking for, find a person who is willing to be connected to you in a way that mirrors how you are connected to him. If you haven’t tried some individual counseling, you can use our find help tab at the top of the page to find someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My parents won’t let me talk to my boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 15th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a couple weeks now. We havent been able to see eachother since school because his parents are divorced hes in another part of the state during the summer. We talk on the phone every night, but its normally late because both of us are busy until late. We normally talk for hours though so sometimes i dont get off till 3 in the morning. It doesnt bother me because i am always up then anyways but my parents have been getting mad. They take my phone away and wont let us talk at night. We are planning a date which i want to tell them about, but i know they wont let me out of the house. Hes a great guy and he makes me so happy. I was depressed before we started dating and now i cant stop smiling. My parents havent even met him yet amd they already hate him. Im embarassed also because his parents are fun and awsome but my parents are strict and mean. It bothers me that they hate him though. I just dont know what to do anymore. It really sucks. Cant my parents realize that im happier then ive been in literally years? They dont seem to understand how much i am in love with this guy.help me?

I doubt very muich that your folks hate a guy they’ve never met. What they hate is that you aren’t handling the relationship in a responsible way. They see you spending hours on the phone when you should be getting much-needed sleep. They’re probably worried that you are over-involved with someone you haven’t known that long. Parents, being parents, are feeling protective of your health and your welfare. Sneaking out will only confirm their belief that you aren’t mature enough to handle a relationship.

You and your guy need to talk about how to demonstrate to your parents that the two of you are able to respect reasonable boundaries around phone use. You two also need to show your parents that you are both responsible about your health and welfare. If your boyfriend cares for you, he will want to help you solve the problem instead of just agreeing that the situation “sucks.”

I suggest you tell your parents that you know that they are only trying to protect you. Tell them that you understand you’ve been a little over the top with staying up to talk to your guy the last few weeks but that you can settle down now. Ask them to set a curfew for phone use and respect it. Once you’ve shown them you can do that, you can ask them to help the two of you meet up for a day at either his house or yours. If this relationship is meant to be, it won’t fizzle if you slow down a bit. Let your parents get to know your boyfriend gradually so they can see what you see; that he’s really a great guy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I end it?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 5th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I thought for many years that I lack emotion and as I get older I have come to realize that this is true and has been present since childhood; pictures that I have taken I noticed that I never smiled. I have been trying very hard to fit in and express the correct emotion by studying others in a given situation. I suffer from social anxiety and isolating myself doesn’t improve my situation. Despite this I am a union representative at work and I am an excellent student in college; although I would prefer to be a missionary but I know I have a bad habit of doing what is expected.

I know I meet all of the criteria’s of a loner but I wanted to change that so I decided to get married. I thought this would help me fit in and may help me express emotion naturally. I have been living a lie trying to convince others that I party and drink just what they expect but it gets difficult and confusing trying to be someone else; I just figured I would become that someone else. I know I jumped the gun thinking about marriage since I have never had a boyfriend or been sexually active.

Anyway, I met a guy at work and I knew I shouldn’t have but we started seeing each other but have kept our relationship a secret because other men would be jealous. We have known each other for 2 years and I guess dating for 2 months if that’s what people call it. We were intimate about 3 weeks ago and I didn’t feel pleasure or pain for that matter. I thought this would work but it didn’t and I just want to crawl back in my shell; at least I tried.

The problem I am having now is that he is in love with me but I have no feeling for him at all. It disgusts me to kiss him or hug him. He’s not an unattractive guy; it’s just me. I don’t know how to break it off with him. He told me several times that he has had his heart broken and he really wants to settle down and given his age (34) I understand. However, I know I am not the one for him or anybody for that matter. I made a huge mistake and I don’t want to break his heart, although I don’t know what that feels like but I watch people become depressed after ending their relationships. I’m not worried about him causing trouble at work seeing that we are on different shifts and I am his union representative and he needs me (I just got this position otherwise I wouldn’t have pursued this relationship; other than this we are equal status employees).
How do I end this relationship?

Gently and soon. I do understand what you were trying to do. I do applaud you for taking some risks. But this man deserves to have someone in his life who loves him wholeheartedly, not someone who is in the relationship primarily to struggle with her own issues. Follow your good instincts. Thank him for his love and attention. Tell him some of what you have told me to make it clear to him that it isn’t about him but rather that it is about your own unresolved problems. Let him know that you wish it were different and that he is a fine and good person in your eyes. Free him to find someone who can reciprocate his love.

Then get some therapy. Your impulse to make change is a good one! Anxiety is treatable. There are better ways to handle it than living this double life. Furthermore, there are reasons you feel so disconnected from others – and from yourself. Therapy will help you understand yourself better and will help you develop a more honest approach to life. You deserve to be able to look in the mirror each day and feel that you are a person with integrity. It’s lonely in that shell of yours. I think you also deserve to have help developing into the kind of genuine person you want to be. I searched the web for mental health services in your city. There are several centers that offer the full range of psychiatric and counseling services. Please ask your doctor or someone you trust for a recommendation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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In A “Rebound” Relationship

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 12th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 47 and she is 49 [now] I met Sherri at a place we both worked at ,we always got along great .she was married andwe were just friends.Then she ended up getting seperated then finally divorced.once she was at the end of her seperation we started just casually datting ,once the divorce was fnal we datted exclusivly .NOW four years later [this happend 3 weeks ago ]she came by my place we ate dinner she seemed distant i had to throw out the garbage she was eaving through my back door .i asked her what was going on she never gave me a valid response.she left,i came back inside and found the jewelery i have given her over the years in a box on my counter.I’ve called trying to nderstand what’s going on and why .I ask what did i do? she replies i didn’t do anything she just doesn’t love me anymore or is not in love with me anymore ,i sy their must be a reason she tells me their doesn’t always need to be a reason .i have called and e mailed only to be ignored ,mentioned maybe it would be a good idea to sit with a pastor and discuss this at first she said yea the day o the meeting she called me and said to just cancell the meeting it wouldn’t change anything anyways .BEEN trying to get her to just sit with me and talk help me understand what she’s going through , she doesn’t want to .Last night she finally stoped by to hear what i wanted to say i spoke she arely has ,i said maybe we need a re start in the past i’ve given her chances so i said now i’m asking for just one chance to keep it together and not just throw it away like this .

I have seen her with anotherguy and told her i did ,she said just ecause you seen me with someone doesnt mean i’m seeing them .i believe she was seeing him before this issue.i thik her friends are getting in her hea about me [when theydon’t even know me ] i haven’t really eatten or slept for days here i just can’t figure out why i don’t get a reason …….

Some friends told me maybe she’s in a re bound relationship right now and those do not last ,after all the kind and loving things we’ve said to each other and all we’ve done together how can she just one day say no like this ? it’s eatting me up. Last night as i read her what i wanted to tell her it didn’t even seem she was paying attention….i went to give her a hug she said no i would only read more into that .i have said i loved you , always have she admits i never lied,cheated or disrespected her or toyed with her emotions in any way ,i ask to compromise she doesn’t want to ,asked for tat one more chance she doesn’t know if she has one for me .YET i get told i did nothing wrong.

I am not certain what your exact question is so I can only provide you with a general response. I am very sorry that you are struggling. Unfortunately, when one person in a relationship decides that it is over, then it is. You wrote that your girlfriend suddenly decided that she no longer loves you or is in love with you. This surprised you. It may seem as though her feelings came out of “nowhere” but that is unlikely. It seemed that way but there were likely signs of her growing disinterest in the relationship that you missed.

You were there for her during the period in which she ended her marriage. I am sure that you were a great help to her during this stormy time in her life. You are probably aware of the old saying “any port in a storm.” This saying references the fact that when you are in very trying circumstances, you cannot be and will not be too choosy about your port of comfort. This is why rebound relationships are described with great caution.

During this stormy period of her life, you were her comforting port. Now that the storm has ended, she can continue her journey and look for the port of her choice. Let’s not believe that she was aware of her intentions when she pulled into your port. She very likely was only concerned with the immediacy of her situation. You served as a good friend, boyfriend, during this period of her life. She probably thanks you and is thankful in her mind for your being there when she most needed you.

Rebound relationships are very tricky and usually do not have good outcomes. When she pulled into that port during this stormy period in her life, she was most concerned with immediate relief. She did not have the luxury of long-term planning.

From her actions it is very clear that she is very definite about you and the relationship you had.

Unfortunately, you would like the relationship to continue. In most breakups, only one of the parties wishes for the relationship to end. Yes, sometimes both parties agree to a breakup but that is not usually the case. The person who wants it to end is happy and the person who does not want it to end, feels as you do now.

The breakup of a relationship is often undesired and torturous. However, every ending allows for a new beginning. You still have the opportunity to find the woman who will bring you great happiness and, unlike this past girlfriend, will value you, respect you and love you. That is the kind of woman you want in your life. Put very simply, someone that you want as much as she wants you.

You mentioned that she is involved with another guy. That may be the reason why she has ended her relationship with you. She did not tell you that information directly but, given the evidence, it is a reasonable conclusion.

I know that you are in pain right now. This is very understandable. It would have been better if she had been more honest with you about why she is ending the relationship. She could have provided you with a more honest explanation but unfortunately she hasn’t. Psychologically, at this time, it would be in your best interest to try to move on with your life. I know that is easier said than done but you can’t force someone to stay in a relationship. In addition, it would be helpful if you surrounded yourself with supportive friends and family.

You are not alone in your struggles. Breakups are to be expected. Unfortunately, most people have experienced or will experience a breakup at some point in their lives. It is the norm rather than the exception.

If you would like to write back and ask a more specific question, or additional questions, I would be happy to assist you. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Wedding planning is creating bad feelings all around

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 24th, 2020
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I recently proposed to my girlfriend and which was the most amazing feeling when she accepted. Unfortunately since then eveything has gone down hill fast.

Our parents met to discuss all the finances and my parents were happy to offer half the wedding, we therefore started to look at places and at one venue my mum took offence to my future MIL getting upset and asking questions she felt were irrelevant. This caused some tension as my finace told my mum to stop being rude and this is were everything started to go wrong.

Shortly after this we found our dream venue and booked the hall, then my parents decided to have another meeting with my in laws with out us being present here is were the major issue started. At this meeting my future MIL took great offence to some innocuous comments made my parents towards them. They appologised (Sarcastically in the opinon of my in laws) but agreed not to tell myself or my fiance. Unfortnately my future MIL decided to go against this and tell us. Hearing how upset she was my fiance took great offence to all that was said as her mother was so upset. We agreed to sit with my parents and to try and resolve this which after a few hours we agreed it had been, however my fiance has an issue with letting things go and moving and seemed to still have this issue but we agreed to move on for the sake of our wedding.

After a few days of more arguing between my parents and her parents as they owed some money to them for the intial hall booking we had another meeting where my parents felt my fiance was extremely rude to them. She may have used a bad tone but there was no malice involved but they were set that she was disrepectful and the next day decided to tell the in laws that they would no longer pay for half the wedding just a certain amount and they also cancelled a cheque they had give. Obviously this then upset my fiance again as rather then discuss their problem with my fiance they just called it off so to speak and she was also annoyed they refused to pay back any money which was owed from some time before.

We have now reached a point where my mum has sat with my fiance and cleared the air (again i still feel my fiance is holding a grudge) but my father wants to sit with her as well as he doesnt want to move forward with paying for part of the wedding with out knowing that and my in laws no longer trust my parents to pay for stuff they are supposed.

I have suggested that we cancel the whole thing and try and start again on a smaller scale but my fiance has her heart set on the dream wedding that she has in her head now.

The whole thing is making everyone person ill and i dont know how to continue any more. I dont want to lose my fiance as she is the best thing to happen to me but on the hand i dont want to get married without my family being there and feeling comfortable. I feel like im stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I know this is all so specific but i really do need some help in trying to resolve this so i can marry the love of my life and have a future with her.

You two may be in love but you may not be ready to get married. Take a deep breath and step way back. Getting married means making a life, not just a wedding. Getting along with in-laws, dealing responsibly with money, and planning realistic and joyful milestone events are skills you need for a lifetime of happiness. If you don’t set positive patterns in place now, chances are these areas will be sources of stress and tension that could erode your relationship and your marriage. You are very wise to be reaching for some help.

Please take a look at this article from our archives: Ask your fiance to discuss it with you. You may be able to clear your minds and restart the wedding planning. That means taking the high road with future in-laws, letting go of the idea of a royal wedding and doing something more in keeping with what you can afford, and probably paying for most of it yourself. Whatever relatives offer financially is a gift, not an obligation, so be appreciative of whatever they are willing to contribute.

If you two can’t pull back and renegotiate your wedding plans, and you still think you want to marry, I do suggest some premarital counseling. A counselor will help you really listen to each other and understand the underlying issues that are making it difficult for two good people to make good decisions. It’s an investment in yourselves and your future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My boyfriend of 7 years left me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 19th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My ex boyfriend and I had been together for 7 years. We met during our Junior year in High school. He promised that he’d never hurt me, and that he would love me forever. I know people can’t make promises like that and be held accountable, I’m just very confused over the whole thing. I waited to go to college so we could be together. We moved to a different state while attending a university, due to special complications neither of us graduated. We moved back to our home town and rented a room from my parents, it was a difficult transition to say the least. Both of us began to feel defeated, his feelings eventually developed into what I and many others see as depression.

We got into a argument last September when he “Came Across” some diary entries on my computer, where I would rant about him if we were in a fight instead of telling my friends because I wanted them to like him. He also came across a entry that I had written four years ago where I was talking about going to a party and having fun but feeling guilty because I had been talking to other guys. I’ve never cheated on my ex, I never even had the desire to. I believed he was the love of my life, and I never wanted to hurt our relationship or him.

He on the other hand, hadn’t always been upfront with me. He is very attractive and other women could see it too, he was not innocent in all of this. There were times where we were on the verge of breaking up because he was spending too much time with these other people and it was obvious that there was a mutual flirtation to say the least. I would grow angry, and he would just call me jealous.

A few years had gone by and nothing bad had happened, he hadn’t strayed, we hadn’t fought over anything big, and I really thought we were in the clear. Until, he went out of town for a political convention last month and when he came back he began to act very withdrawn. There was no sexual attention, he did not even hug me right when he walked in the door, he said he was just tired. He became increasingly less interested in talking with me, when I said lets do something romantic he literally shushed me.

Then, two weeks ago we talked about breaking up. He said he wasn’t sure if he wanted to marry me anymore, that we had drifted apart and that this had to do with his depression. Well, it turns out he wasn’t too upfront. I later learned that while he was at the convention he had met a woman who lives four hours away from where we live now, they had exchanged numbers, and they had been texting in secret for a month. I specifically had asked him if he had made any new friends while at the convention and he said no. He obviously felt a reason to keep it from me. He did not tell me until his brother’s wife forced him to tell me the truth, he says it has nothing to do with our break up and that he is just trying to find himself. Before we broke up officially he went to find himself for a few days and think about things, we did not talk or text and he told me he didn’t talk to anyone else. Well, when he came to my house to end it, he promised he was being honest and that it was mostly about him, he said “I am not looking for someone to love, I am trying to learn to love myself”.

I really feel like this has a lot to do with him meeting that other woman, he claims he kept it secret because I get jealous if he communicates with any woman even his best girl friend and he didn’t want me snooping through his texts. I admit, I did look through his texts years ago but it was something that I stopped doing because he had regained my trusts and I wanted to have a healthy normal relationship. I feel like if I had looked, I would have caught him in this emotional affair that he denies and is basically blaming on me. Just months before, we had been looking at houses to purchase together.

I just feel so betrayed, It’s hard because I was always very close to his family, and I work with his mother. We grew up together, he still stays he wants to be a part of my life and that he cares about me deeply,loves me but not the way I love him.. I just don’t know how I can see him as anything other than my boyfriend, I told him it would be really hard to be friends, but since the break up he has been texting me. Today, he locked himself out of his car and guess who he called for help. I hate it because I still want to be with him but, I am afraid that he would do this to me again later down the road if we got back together. He is still making an effort to see what I am up to by asking our mutual friends, and his mom (my coworker) even though he says he wants me to move on. I don’t know what to do, I love this man with all my heart..Please help.

You met when you were only 16. As hard as this is, it’s not surprising that the two of you have drifted apart. Your boyfriend recognizes that you are a comfortable and familiar part of his life but not necessarily the one he would choose now that he is in his twenties. He’s kind and honorable enough to not pin the problem on you. He’s right. It’s not about you really. He’s trying to figure out if he is in a relationship with you out of habit or because you are really the one for him. As certain as you are, it would also be healthy for you to be asking the same questions.

Sometimes when people in your situation take a timeout, they rediscover each other in a new way and start a new kind of relationship. Sometimes it becomes clear to both that they have a deep affection for each other based on knowing each other so well but it’s not the stuff of romance. You might find it helpful to read this article: #/lib/2010/where-did-the-love-go-growing-up-and-growing-apart/2/

Your ex asks questions about you out of real concern but he may not understand that doing so gives you even more pain. I suggest you both take a big step back for a time. Date other people. Finish school or get into a serious job training program. Start nurturing your own circle of friends and your own interests. You both need to find out who you are separate from the other. Once you do that, you’ll be able to bring a more developed adult self to the relationship. At that time, you’ll figure out for yourselves if you are indeed meant for each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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He had a baby with his ex

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 4th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 25 years old and I have been with my boyfriend for almost a year and a half now. We met at work and we spend almost every day together. For the most part, our relationship is very healthy — we balance each other out very well. He brings out the character in my personality and we both help each other think critically. He makes me laugh a lot and we’re always there to support each other — he’s a great companion. We argue about once a month (the time of the month for me) over silly issues but we’re generally very good about solving them.

Ever since I started dating my boyfriend, I was always curious about why him and his ex broke up since he had many good things to say about her. About a few months into our relationship, he finally told me that he was cheated on by her. I was very upset because the night before, I had met her at a party and was very nice and civil with her — not knowing what she had done to him. I’ve learned to get over it because it was in the past however, their past seems to haunt our relationship from time to time because in the past — a few of our arguments revolved around him and her and why he was dishonest with me about her cheating on him — but we’ve both gotten past that.

One thing that always bothered me however was that I never understood their entire past. I didn’t want to ask questions about it because I was afraid to pry into my boyfriend’s past since it was irrelevant. However, not one day would go by where for some reason, I wouldn’t have a brief moment to think about him and his ex. I couldn’t get her out of my mind. I always felt that he was hiding something from me about his past with his ex but I couldn’t figure out what. It was a feeling and it made me very uncomfortable.

So when we do get into heated arguments, I would say a really low comment about him and his ex — “if you don’t like how I treat you then why don’t you just get back with your ex, the one that cheated on you!” — and that would really upset him. Nothing else made him more upset than those types of comments.

During the latest argument we had, I made a similar comment and this time it did not rub him the right way at all — he knocked things over, he yelled at me and he cried. I didn’t understand why he would get so hurt every time I made those comments — I knew his weak spots and that’s why I did that.

Finally, when we both calmed down — I said sorry to him and I told him I’ll never make those comments again since I see how much it hurts him. Then when he calmed down he told me he had something to tell me…

He said that his ex in the past got pregnant and it was their baby… then I asked him did you guys get an abortion? And he said no… I was shocked… I couldn’t believe it…

Then I asked him, where is the baby now??? And he told me that she had the baby but it only survived for 3 days.

I started to cry hysterically — I didn’t know what to think.

Now, my mind is lost — I love my boyfriend very much — he’s been a great guy and I don’t want to use his past against him. Him and his gf have both been able to move on from the experience — they went through 9 months in college without no one knowing that she was even pregnant. It’s been a big secret and it still is.

I need advice because I feel really sad right now — suddenly, all the sunshine and happiness in my life just seemed to vanish — all of my excitement and everything and I don’t know why.

I told my boyfriend that I was proud of his courage to tell me because he said it killed him inside everyday that he couldn’t tell me since he was afraid of losing me. He also said that in our arguments whenever I brought up his past, he cried because he wanted me to understand that it’s not his ex he was crying about — he understood why she cheated on him — that after being 9 months pregnant and hiding it, she just wanted to enjoy college — do drugs and party hard– he knew it was a bad decision but for a young girl at that age, it was a decision she made and he finally understood and accepted what had happend to him. He’s been forgetting about the past and has learned to move on and it hurt him every time I brought it up — he just wanted me to leave it in the past. He’s gone through a lot of pain in the past and just wanted to leave it there. He no longer gets sad about it — just sad when I’m upset and I say crazy things to him.

So now, I finally have closure with their relationship — that unsettling feeling of him hiding something from me is no longer there — however, what’s replaced it are these huge knots on my chest that I can’t seem to get rid of. I keep thinking of the fact that the both of them had a baby together and that the baby’s brain didn’t fully develop — as though the baby was never alive — it just had a heart beat and reflexes but no feelings or thoughts.

I keep thinking of why they didn’t take good care of the baby while she was in the stomach. My boyfriend mentioned that by the time his ex found out she was pregnant, it was too late to get an abortion. He was frustrated that she didn’t tell him soon but he said she was afraid to get an abortion. I feel that later in the pregnancy, his ex might have not taken good care of herself on purpose so that she could stay small and discrete about not having the baby. there are so many questions I have in my head as to why did they let this happen — what were their lives like but I also think that I should leave it in the past.

How do I move on from this? How do I get rid of the thought that my boyfriend and his ex had a baby together?

Three years ago, your boyfriend and his ex were maybe 20 or 21. They made some poor decisions when they were very young and suffered a tragedy together. It’s now part of the fabric of who they are. Nothing you can do is going to change that. Your boyfriend has done his grieving for the baby and for what might have been and moved on as best he can. But as with all important griefs, when it is put in front of him, some of the intense feelings still come over him. Of course he cries. That’s normal and appropriate. It only shows that he is a good, caring man who has had a loss. You wouldn’t want him to be anything less.

Loving him means appreciating that and understanding that his past is, of course, always going to be a part of your life as well as his. If you do make a future with him and decide to have children, your pregnancy will not be his first. He will have memories of another. He will probably be extra concerned about you during your pregnancy and extra worried about whether your baby is okay. The birth of his first child with you will be inevitably colored with feelings from the loss of the other child. He will probably love the children you have together all the more because he understands as most of us don’t just how precious life is.

The problem with dating grownups is that they have lived a life before you met them. So have you. Each of us is the sum of our experiences (both good and bad), including our experiences with others. If you can’t tolerate these ideas, then you shouldn’t be with someone who has been with anyone before you. As you get older, that will become more and more of a challenge though. For that reason, I do think it would be helpful for you to think about doing a little therapy. You have what you say is a wonderful relationship with a caring man who loves you enough to put up with your really low comments and accusations when you fight. At this point, it’s your insecurities that may sink this relationship, not his past. You risk throwing away a perfectly fine relationship because you are preoccupied with things you can’t change or accept. You need to figure out what that is about and resolve it if you are ever to have a happy and relaxed relationship with any partner. I hope you agree that you owe that to yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How do I handle visit from my ex to our young son?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 11th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My son is 3,5 years old, his father is coming to visit him after 2 years, I’m not sure how to act
When I met my ex-husband everything seemed perfect, very soon our son was born and he seemed as he is a perfect husband and father. In the meanwhile we moved to another country, we lived there for 6 months, and after that me and my son came back to our native country. Reason was that I was pregnant again and ex husband didn’t want the baby. We are divorced and he married another woman. He didn’t come to Serbia since we came back and now he is coming to visit our son. First year of our separation two of them ‘talked’ through Skype, then I realized that it is not very good for my son to have that kind of a relationship with his father (it seemed like he is getting attached to a cartoon character) so I ended that way of communication between them, advising my ex-husband to call our son on the phone any time he wants. He didn’t call at all.
Recently he send me a mail saying that he is coming to visit our son, he is staying for two weeks, and he want’s to spend as much time with him as possible including sleepovers.
I’m not sure how is my son going to react, and I am really concerned what consequences will this bring to him.
I would like to the best for my sons sake, so I’m asking you to help me, advise me how often is the best for two of them to see each other during those two weeks. Should I be there for my son first time they see each other, or every time they see each other..
My son is going to be almost 4 years old when this visit is going to happen, and I have no clue if his is father going to visit him ever again.

Thank you very much in advance for any advice

There isn’t a simple answer to your question. You didn’t mention your other child who will also be affected by this visit. Your ex-husband may not have wanted the baby but he is still the father. Your ex doesn’t seem to be thinking very clearly about the children’s needs. To them, he is a perfect stranger. They are not likely to respond warmly to him at first – which he may take as rejection. If his father doesn’t intend to keep up regular contact, your son is likely to be the one to feel rejected for yet a second time. Meanwhile, the younger child will have to live with his father’s lack of interest from the start.

I don’t think you have enough of the information you need to make decisions. I suggest that you have several conversations on the phone with this man to try to find out why he wants to visit now and what his intentions are for a relationship in the future. Do talk to a lawyer about whether he has any legal right to see the children. Make certain you feel that the children are going to be safe with him, both physically and emotionally. By all means, stay with your son during the visits until you are sure that your ex has his best interests in mind and that he knows how to care for a four-year-old. You also need to know in advance whether the new wife is coming and what they think your children’s relationship with her should be. Once you have more information, I think you will be able to decide how to handle the situation. If not, do consider talking to a family or child therapist. A professional in your own country and culture is better able than I am to advise you in a matter that has potentially important consequences for all of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Forgive Him or Get Him Out of My Life?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 11th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am 21 and am dating a 29 year old who used to be a addicted to cocaine before he started dating me. he’s done pretty well with not doing drugs with me with him knowing I do not, and will absolutely not tolerate drug use around me or in my life. we started dating 6 months ago and from the beginning I told him one thing I never wanted him to do. lie to me about it. I caught him in a lie last saturday while he was trying to get it. I am in complete denial with the situation. He has usually been very honest with me if I ask him a question. I don’t want this to effect my trust with him towards other things, like woman but i’m scared that it might.

maybe I just need some words of wisdom to help me forgive him? there is nothing that hurts worse to not be forgiven when the person really is ready to change or if i’m in complete denial and should get him out of my life asap.

I do not think you are in “complete denial.” You are expressing appropriate concern about his lying behavior. You are asking if you should “get him out of your life asap.” That is a difficult question to answer. Below I will provide my opinion but only you can determine whether or not you want to continue the relationship.

He had a serious drug problem before the two of you met. He says that he has stopped. I can’t be certain of this because of limited information but it seems as though he did so without any professional help. Quitting drugs “cold turkey” is often very difficult. The success rate is very low. It is a very difficult way to deal with the problem of addiction.

When you and he began dating you explicitly told him not to lie, especially about drug use. You recently caught him lying about trying to get drugs. Your hope is that it was a one-time only event. That may or may not be true but given the high relapse rate associated with the “cold turkey” approach it is likely not the first time he has lied about attempting to get or use drugs. If he was trying to score drugs, then in all likelihood he was planning to consume them. I would not recommend giving him the benefit of the doubt. This doesn’t mean that you should indiscriminately end the relationship but further investigation is necessary. You need to determine whether or not he is using drugs. This information can help you decide about the direction of the relationship.

Make him aware of your concerns. Have an open and honest conversation. You may want to consider asking him if he would agree to regular drug screenings (home testing kits are available in drugstores). Unfortunately, he is in the position where he has to prove that he is trustworthy. Lack of honesty and trust will destroy a relationship; so will drug use.

How you will handle this situation depends in large part on what you value and how invested you are in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of relationships. His infraction may have been a one-time mistake but it is a red flag. Ignoring it would have been an unwise decision on your part. Thankfully that did not happen.

I hope this answer provides some insight about how to proceed. If you need further guidance you may want to consult a therapist. You may not need a therapist for more than a few sessions. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My mom doesn’t want me dating my BF

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 11th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

What do I do about my boyfriend and my mom? My mom doesn’t want me dating him but she hasn’t even met him. I have been with my boyfriend for about 6 months (end of this month) and my parents do not approve of this relationship. At first they were adamantly disapproving of my interracial relationship (I’m Korean dating a White guy) but after 2 weeks of fighting and lots of tears they finally gave in to me dating outside of my race. Now the real problem is that since he doesn’t have a college degree and comes from a broken up family (different family upbringing) my mom is telling me to break it off with him. She wants me to date someone with an education and from the same family upbringing–bring a boyfriend home with the same education level (I recently graduated with a Bachelor’s degree in science). I’ve told them that their standards are not the same as my criteria…tho he doesn’t have a college degree he’s still in the process of graduating and he has a full-time job, fully supporting himself.

I’m employed fulltime and supporting myself. I am no longer dependent on my parents but their approval means a lot to me. They want me to stay friends with my boyfriend or they don’t want to have anything to do with me. After a month of fighting/not talking/exchanges of hurtful words with my mom I finally just told her that I will break it off for our relationship sake. What she doesn’t know is that I’m still with him because their standards don’t hold true for me and this is my life.

I don’t really date for marriage but I do think about my future with him and I can see us living together happily. Now when I put my parents into the equation, all I see is chaos. His family is everything that my parents will not like. I don’t want to hurt him by leaving him because my parents don’t approve. He knows how my parents feel about him and he knows that I told my parents that we are just friends. I want to be in a relationship with him but I feel that when things get serious I’m not sure what I could do because I know that my parents will be very hurt. I am at a great turmoil. What should I do?

What a difficult, difficult situation. You want to follow your heart in a direction your parents can’t support. I’m sure they mean the best for you. I’m sure they love you. They may even be right about the problems you and your boyfriend will face, coming from such different cultures and families. But it’s not as simple as deciding who is right.

You are all caught in a generational difference that is extremely painful all around. By the older generation’s values, you would follow your parents’ wishes. But young people these days are generally left to discover for themselves whether a match is made in heaven – or not. Sadly, trying to bridge the two has got you lying. It does keep your parents at bay but you are betraying their trust and your own values. I’m sure you’re not at all happy about either.

You may not have realized it, but fighting and tears demonstrates to your parents that you aren’t ready to make such an important decision as who you will date. If you are clear about what you want to do, you should be able to present your views without all the drama. You would then tell your folks that their approval means the world to you but that you respectfully disagree and will make your own choices. My guess is that they don’t want to lose you any more than you want to lose them so you would probably be able to work it out.

The fact that you haven’t been able to do that suggests to me that just maybe you have some doubts that you aren’t able to acknowledge even to yourself. The fighting may seem like you are standing up for yourself, but the lying and the giving in keeps you tied to your parents’ ideals. You’re trying to have it both ways: Do what you want but without risking parental disfavor. I think this is the larger problem: You have made your own choices but you aren’t convinced. The current situation with your boyfriend is the issue that brings your own uncertainly forward. In that sense, it’s not about him. It’s about coming to terms with your own beliefs.

This kind of dilemma isn’t unusual for someone who is 24. The twenties is when most of us come into our own. Like the butterfly struggling to free itself from the cocoon, the struggle to define ourselves, separate from our family of origin is what makes us become a mature adult.

I’m not going to tell you what to do about the boyfriend. I do think you should start by clarifying your own thoughts instead of trying to change your parents’ opinions. The rest will flow from that.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My significant other has friends of the opposite sex that I don’t approve of.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 5th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

In 2002 (I was 17) I met a guy (he was 26) hung out in a group that one night. He was recently divorced after a 7 yr marriage. I got married that same year. Never saw this man again. Until 2 1/2 years ago I was going through a divorce after being married 6 years. We ran into each other. Remembered each other. After getting to know one another, and building a friendship over 5 months, we started a relationship. Been together ever since. I am now 26, and he is 35. I have 2 sons from my marriage. He has no children of his own, but loves the boys like they’re his. And their father has since passed away, so he is now their sole father figure in their life. We have lived together as a family for 15 months. Even recently bought a house together. So, that’s a brief history. For the most part we have a great relationship. The main cause of our problems stems from his friendships with females. One in particular is a girl who he had one night been intimate with, but they’ve always been just friends. She started talking to him again about 8 months into our relationship, and he started going over 1 or 2 nights a week to watch movies with her and her sister and their children. (The sisters lived together) At first it wasn’t a big deal to me. Until one night I found out that without telling me, him and a friend of his picked her up one night and they hung out together, and some inappropriate (in my opinion) stuff happened. I got very upset, and it caused us to argue, and this arguing caused him to walk out, and we didn’t talk for 2 days, and he admits that the night he left my house, he went to her house and stayed all night bc he’d had a few beers. (Nothing happened) Ok. Several weeks later, he has one too many drinks and opens up about that night. He tells me he was upset and was discussing our problems with this girl, and she started crying and said to him: I wish you could love me like you love her. I’ve always thought we’d be good together. Of course this upsets me. So, he continues to communicate with her via texting, but he stops hanging out with her. Then, my ex husband passed away rather tragically. We disagreed about some issues and once again he walked out of my house, and we didn’t talk for 4 days. When we finally talked, we agreed to take a 30-day break, and if we still wanted to be together, we would start over. (We laid out ground rules: no communicating at all, unless it was to say we wanted to move on because we’d found someone else. We didn’t want to be unfaithful to each other. We were still considering us to be together, we were just taking a break to think things through) ok, so the next day we meet up and exchange house keys, etc. When I saw him (we hadn’t seen each other in 5 days) he looked awful. He looked tired, worn out, his eyes were swollen. It was obvious he’d been crying a lot. We hugged, and parted ways to begin the 30-day break. Early the following morning he texted and said he wanted to talk. So, we talked. He cried, and said he felt like we’d proved a point, he knew he didn’t want to live without me and the boys and he asked how I felt, and so we agreed to move forward and continue building our family. Of course I learn he pretty much spent the whole 5 days we were apart surrounded by all his friends including the 1 girl I have a problem with. That very day we get back together we see this girl in a parking lot and he waves at her and she doesn’t wave back. He doesn’t seem to care. Ok. Within the month we move in together. A week or so later we are laying in bed and he starts going through his phone and let’s me see where he had been texting her and getting no response and so he asked if she was mad and she finally responded with: I just don’t like how you handled everything. He says she means she is upset that he chose to stay with me. So, she ends up inviting him to a birthday get together and he declines BC I pretty much said no way. And he made a promise that he would never make plans to see her in person again. A whole year goes by with no communication between them and almost 4 months ago she pops up again and they’ve talked constantly since then. He works for a cable company. So he went to her house and installed cable. That was fine. Then he decides he wants to set her up with a friend of his, so him and his friend go to her house. A couple weeks later I specifically ask him if he has seen her other than those 2 times. He says no he has not. So, He ended up getting a new phone, so one day I looked through his old phone and was able to read text messages. I discovered that over a 4 week period he had hung out with her 4 or 5 times. Of course, 2 of those times I know about, the other time he flat out lied. He says it was all BC he was trying to set his friend up with her. This upsets me very much and of course we argued. Pretty much was going to end things. But, once again talked things through. Let me add that I have no concerns of him physically cheating on me. It’s the emotional part that upsets me. It hurts my feelings knowing that he sits and thinks of her and then feels the need to text her to see how her day is. I’ve expressed this to him numerous times. I understand he knew her years before him and I got together. He has explained to me that in a way she reminds him of his ex wife. She is very small and timid and shy and comes off as being fragile. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and she’s been burned a lot by family and friends. She told him years ago that she felt like she could tell him anything and she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone. She has a 3-year-old son. She is a single mom. Apparently the father has never been in the picture. Yes, he admits he feels sorry for her. He cares about her as a person. She’s always been nice to him. He says he can talk to her about anything. He can say anything he wants and if she gets mad, who cares? Because he doesn’t have to live with her. Oh and let me add…I have never met her. One way I described my feelings about the situation to him is: “She needs to find her own knight in shining armor.” Yes. I feel sorry for her. I have a ton of respect for her as a single parent. I know she’s a good mom and a hard worker. Does it make me an awful person to feel like “oh well.”? Not our problem?” I’ve never been a jealous person until all these issues the past 2 years. And once again, I truly don’t feel like he’d ever be physically unfaithful. His friends and family who’ve known him his whole life say the same. He’s been burned several times by unfaithfulness. He has several female friends that were in his life before me. I’ve met them and developed friendships with them. But, not this girl. She has stayed away. And if she does invite him to something she doesn’t include me in the invitation. It just really bothers me. The whole situation. What bothers me the most is the fact that she has expressed her feelings toward him, even crying that she wished he loved her the way he did me? And then he’ll tell me how emotionally unstable she is and she’s fragile and he can’t just kick her to the curb, she’s never done anything to hurt anyone she is one of the nicest people he knows. I feel that by him staying in her life it gives her false hope and if she is as bad off emotionally as he says, he’s possibly setting her up for a huge breakdown. That’s just how I feel. I apologize for how long this is and I hope you can make sense of it. Thanks so much.

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense, and it is very clearly laid out. I believe there is something called a parallel process at issue here. By not giving him an ultimatum and setting a clear boundary, he is not setting s clear boundary with her. The result is that a type of permission and enablement that allows the confusion and ambiguity to continue. What you have now is a relationship based on potential and promise — rather than actuality.

Ask him for exactly what you want, and set limits on what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you want a more committed relationship then you need to ask for it. If his lying about his contact with her is a deal breaker in the future — say so.

Three people in what should be a 2-person drama never succeeds. If you can’t set limits, goals and boundaries with him, he isn’t going to be able to set them with her. Is this an ultimatum? Perhaps. But I prefer to see it as your basic statement of needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I think he’s lost interest

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 18th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met this guy 8 months back. We have been in the process of “just” talking and getting to know each other for 8 months now. He still hasn’t asked me out to be his official girlfriend and when I asked him if he wanted to be in a relationship or not he just said “I really want to but i’m just not feeling it”…so i say “maybe you’re just not interested in me”…and he says “no that’s not it”…so I say “are you leaning more towards no or yes”…and he said “I don’t know i’m in the middle”…

I am confused and hurt because I feel like he lost interest in me because for the past 3 months we haven’t been intimate but we were when we first met. But I am confused because he won’t say it straight up to me if he just wants to be friends or not. He also still takes me out on dates and takes me to go hangout with his guy friends. what should I do?…I really want to be in a relationship with him…

Also lately hes been having dreams of sleeping with girls or being in a room with a bunch of girls…and it bothers me because I feel like hes craving for it but not with me…also for the past 3 months I have been only giving him oral…he doesnt touch me, kiss me, or hold my hand. I want to talk about it to him but I don’t want to seem to be nagging him. We talk still…and we use to flirt a lot but I just feel like now he’s backing away but yet he’s still nice to me so I don’t really know how to interpret that…is he using me or is he not?….also my friends tell me that they see him out partying and they see him talk to other girls like he’s single and he’s not talking to anyone…so when i do tell them that we are still talking they get really surprised because of the way he acts…

I just don’t want to seem like im overreacting for no reason…because he is a nice guy and he doesn’t like to be mean to girls so he just kind of does whatever they want in a kind way…but i am confused…I really want to talk to him about it if he just wants to be friends now or whats up…but i don’t know how to do it so it doesnt seem like im nagging him…please help 🙂

I’m sorry to say that I agree with you. He’s lost interest. You’re also probably right that in an attempt to be “nice” and to not hurt you, he is hurting you. I don’t think he is necessarily using you. He just doesn’t seem to know how to say a clear “no” to you. He drops hints by telling you his dreams and by making sure your friends see him flirting with others. He drops a mega-hint by not giving back during sex. He probably hopes you will break up with him so he doesn’t have to be the “bad guy” and break up with you.

Do both of you a favor: Take a big, big step back from this relationship. Face it that he isn’t returning your feelings. It will hurt for awhile but staying in a relationship of unrequited love will hurt more. Get back into being single so that you can meet someone who is going to love you and cherish you as you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is my lying a habit I can break?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 7th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 12 years ago before I got married I cheated on my boyfriend who is now my soon to be ex-husband with a married man. I never told anyone the truth about it or should I say I never admitted it to anyone. Everyone basically knew it happened. I lied about it up until about 1 year ago when I met my soul mate. I love this man so much. I never loved anyone like this before. I met him while I was still married to my husband. I swore I would never cheat on my husband because I never forgave myself for cheating on him with the married guy. I broke up that guy’s marriage and I didn’t love him. I hated myself for that. I ended up marrying my husband. I think I married him to hide what I had done.

I had always had feelings for my now true love. We work together. He is my boss. Problem 1) he is still married. 2) He believes that there are other guys in my life besides him including the married man I cheated on my ex-husband with before we were married. That bothers me so damn much. He said there are too many coincidences that prove otherwise. I can’t help coincidences. I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life. It is him and only him. I have gotten so caught up in wanting him to believe that that I started lying to him about little things. Believe me they were not things worth lying about. Things like I told him I wasn’t chatting on email, facebook, or text. This was actually not true. I did and do some of these things. I figured if I told him I didn’t do it then I didn’t have to worrying about him thinking I was lying about whom I was chatting with. I was only chatting with girlfriends, family, and family friends. I figure he wouldn’t believe that because of what he believed about me. I even lied to him about why I was typing so lightly on the keyboard at work. We had the door open between our offices and I didn’t want him to get up and close the door between us because he would get aggravated when he would hear my typing. Usually I was typing an email for work or IM to someone at work. Mostly all work related material. He doesn’t believe that. Anyway now that I’ve lied to him he believes more than before that I am hiding things from him because there is another man. I am being so honest about there not being another man. I have screwed up by lying. I don’t believe that lying is a habit. Yes I lied to my husband but I’m not lying to him about there being another man in my life. I was so focused on that that I lied about stupid things that has made it so much worse. He loves me very much. I do know that. I love him very much.

He said that he doesn’t question that I love him only that he questions my meaning of love. Is it possible to love someone so much that you do crazy things that you know aren’t good for a relationship wanting to make sure that you never loose that love but the crazy things are what are causing you to loose him. He trusts me even less now and is not sure he can move forward with our relationship. I know I love him with all my heart. Can I live with what he believes? I’m thinking I can change but he thinks otherwise. I can’t say that I blame him. To him lying is just as bad if not worse than cheating on him. How could I be so caught up on trying to get him to believe that he is the one and only man in my life that I would actually lie to? Please help me, I love him.

Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.
— Jean De La Fontaine

I am glad you have asked this question. While the swoon of love sounds powerful, there are several things about your question that you may want to pay attention to. The most important are your contradictions. “I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life.”

Such an interesting sentence for a married woman to say a man that isn’t her husband. The problem is you seem to believe this. Most of your adult life and relationship has been spent with you having a secret that was based on a lie. This is continuing. We are not typically drawn to what is necessarily better; we are drawn to what is familiar. You may find some more information in an article I’ve written here. Your husband has reason not to trust you, and you lied to him. You are creating the same thing with the new man. There now is a condition here where he doesn’t trust you – also because of lying. In both cases you are left in the same role of not feeling good about yourself—in your words “never forgiving myself.”

I would strongly encourage you to do three things: First, it seems clear that you are doing a huge disservice to your current husband. Let him know where he stands. Deal with the reality of your feelings and let him have the dignity of coping with the fact he is married to a woman that doesn’t love him and would prefer to be with another man. This condition isn’t just about how you feel. He needs to know where you stand.

Secondly, you must realize that you are drawn to unavailable men. This is the second married man you were attracted to, and the second time you were with a man while being attracted to a married man. This kind of thing tends to be a pattern. In both instances there was lying and secrets. In both instances you are not feeling good about yourself. Last time you carried forward the secret, which may have been the problem with your intimacy. I suggest you begin by being honest with yourself.

Finally I would encourage you to begin therapy as soon as possible before acting on my suggestions. This is likely to be a difficult process for you, for your husband, for your boss, and for his wife. With all this in front of you I encourage you to get some emotional support, clarification, and understanding before taking any action. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My boyfriend and I are related through marriage

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 27th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I met when his Uncle and my mother got married. We have known each other for years and recently him and I have grown closer and have started dating. We have been dating for 7 months now and my parents will not approve. We have tried sitting them down and talking to them and each of us talking to them individually and they just don’t want to hear it. It has gotten to the point where I have had to move out because of the way that they treat me. My mother can’t even look at me the same way.

It really hurts because I am still the same person I always have been. I work very hard to do well in school and to support myself but she still can’t approve of something as little as my relationship. I understand that it is not the ideal situation and it is very complicated but shouldn’t my parents be able to look past it and see that I am extremely happy with my boyfriend? He is related to me through MARRIAGE not by blood. It is completely different. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with this issue…

As you are already finding, your relationship isn’t a “little” issue to your mother. You wrote that you and your boyfriend have tried to talk to the older generation. What you didn’t tell me is what their objection is. If it is on the grounds of your being “related,” their concerns are irrational. You and your boyfriend are not related genetically. There is nothing morally or legally wrong with your relationship.

But if they don’t see you two as a good match for other reasons, then it’s only respectful and potentially important to hear them out. They may see a truth or a partial truth that is hard for you to hear but still at least somewhat valid. Your mother may be doing only what mothers do — trying to protect you from making what she sees as a mistake. The question of whether you are “related” may be only a distraction that is covering up more important concerns. At least ask her directly to find out.

If the issue is truly about a mistaken idea about the morality of dating someone who is related only by marriage, then it’s going to be tough to change the older folks’ minds. Issues of strong principle are often not very negotiable. All you can do then is be clear that you love and respect them but that you have to live by your own moral code, not theirs, and hope that they eventually come around to acceptance if not agreement. This is more likely to be successful if you stay out of arguments. There is nothing to argue about. Neither of you are going to change the other. All you can do is lovingly agree to disagree.

My best advice to you is to be more openminded than the older folks are and to not draw such a deep line in the sand that you can’t reconcile at some point. Permanent cutoff from your family would be very painful for both you and your boyfriend. Give your mother and his uncle some time to get used to the situation. If it is clear that you two are truly a committed couple, they may soften over time. Should that happen, you want to be in the frame of mind that you’ll be able to forgive and move on.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Confused About my Relationship Status

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 29th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi. Before I start, I’d like to give some background. I’m 21, my “boyfriend” is 24, and I am/was in a long distance relationship. I met a young man through a cousin in January of 2010, and we kept in contact off and on until we saw each other again in July. After going on dates for about a month he asked me to be his girlfriend. It had been 5 years since he last had a girlfriend. At the end of August I went home. I only heard from him about five times after coming home, and in October communication stopped completely. My cousin told me that his phone was broke, which was true, but I didn’t see that as an excuse. My “boyfriend” and my brother were friends on a social internet site and I figured he could have emailed me or used my cousin’s phone.

In December, I sent him an email explaining to him how I was disappointed with the relationship since he didn’t communicate. I mentioned his last breakup in which he went to college, said he called his girlfriend one day, she told him she was at the movies with her boyfriend, and the relationship ended. I said from my interpretation the relationship ended because he wasn’t communicating with her, and I asked why was he allowing this to happen to him again. I never said “it’s over” or anything that said I was breaking up with him, but it was clear I wasn’t happy. He never responded.

Now it’s January 2011, and I’m still confused. I’ve learned recently that he has a new phone according to my cousin, but he still hasn’t contacted me since October. I also know that he hasn’t been seeing anyone. He’s been working and playing video games like he’s always done.

Just this past Monday, my brother sent him an email asking for advice on girls. I thought it was a short email, but the advice my “boyfriend” gave my brother was quite detailed. This bothered me because I figured he would respond out of respect, but it upset me to see them having a lengthy conversation and he not having the respect to respond to me. I can understand him talking to my cousin because they were friends before we dated, but him communicating with my brother really hurt me, especially since they barely know each other. They’ve only met twice, the second time being in passing, and the email my brother sent was only the third time he has contacted my “boyfriend” since September. The first email was a short “hi” and “bye”, the second email didn’t get a response, and the third email is the one I mentioned above.

I recently have tried talking to someone new, but I find it hard to move on when I don’t have closure on my last relationship. It’s especially hard because I would still like to be with him. If he would just communicate then he’d be perfect for me. I’m always confused because I honestly don’t know if I’m in a relationship or not. I ask friends and family, and some say “yes” while most say “no.” I’ve been saying “no” just because he hasn’t talked to me, but when things like my brother talking to him happens I wonder if we are still in a “relationship.” I want to contact him again to get a conversation started, but I’m afraid he’ll just not respond. I feel like if I keep waiting on him, contact will never happen. I wish he would officially break up with me because this relationship limbo is way worse than any end, yet I don’t want to be the one to break it off since I want to make it work.

I wish to know am I still in a relationship, why he is not talking to me, and how can I get him to talk to me?

I openly welcome all advice, and I look forward to hearing your valued opinion. Thank you,
Kasey

Dear Kasey, I appreciate your very detailed letter. The more information I have about an individual’s particular situation the better able I am to provide an informed response.

A relationship can only continue if both parties want it to. This means that each day both people have to say “yes” to continue the relationship. It only takes one person to say “no” and the relationship will end. Your partner has the ability to contact you and he doesn’t. I see this as his way of saying “no.” In your mind, you are not ready to end the relationship until you literally hear him say the word “no” but I believe the relationship is already over. You are delaying the inevitable. When you tried to discuss your concerns with him he had virtually no response. I see this as closure. In this case, actions speak louder than words.

I believe you and he are officially “broken up.” It is time to move on. You don’t need to hear it from him to know that it’s true. He has had the ability to contact you at any given day or time but he doesn’t and he hasn’t. What he doesn’t say or do speaks volumes. I understand that it might be difficult to move on but it is important to come to terms with the truth. It may be difficult now but the sooner you can see the reality of the situation, the better you will be. In addition, the sooner you can move on, the sooner you can find a better match for you. I wish you well. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dealing with Depression: 7 habits of highly corrective people.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 3rd, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have had depression (off and on) for as long as I can remember but have recently started treatment for it (three years now). The treatment is really helping and I know I am making progress because of it. My depression has manifested itself as fatigue, low-motivation, low self-esteem and a disinterest in things outside the house. I may also be a perfectionist, but I haven’t really looked at that one yet. I have an undergraduate degree and graduated with honors. I just feel as thought my connection to all things work-related is simply missing. I know that this is due to my depression. And while I feel myself coming out of my depression, I also feel frustrated that my interest in things has not followed. I know I need to take baby steps in order to “get back into the world” but do you have any suggestions as to what this looks like? I have considered speaking with a career counselor but I am a bit nervous that it will leave me feeling totally overwhelmed and ready to retreat back into my shell again. (The last time I met with a career counselor I ended up crying uncontrollably in her office). I feel sad for the time I have wasted with this affliction, disgruntled about how depression has stripped me of my ability to “tackle” the work world and unsure of how to proceed in this new tentative period of healing. Thank You.

“If I had not been already been meditating, I would certainly have had to start. I’ve treated my own depression for many years with exercise and meditation, and I’ve found that to be a tremendous help. ” –Judy Collins

I am sorry your depression is so weighty, but admire the strength and resilience you are showing by combating it in therapy. Depression that has a centrifugal nature to it needs to be addressed at many levels. The fact that you are in individual therapy is excellent. Here are 7 other features you may want to consider:

  1. When a depression is so pervasive we need an equally robust offense on the thought process. What I am recommending is a daily dose of strategies from positive psychology specifically designed to shift your thoughts and feelings toward a more positive framework. This isn’t a simplistic “think-happy-thoughts” approach, but rather a focused effort at cognitive restructuring of your thought process. Here is a link to a series of articles looking at the direct application of techniques from the sub-field of positive psychology.

    Think of it as an ongoing process as we do with physical hygiene. You may have taken a terrific shower on Monday, but by Wednesday you will need another. It is the same with positive mental hygiene. We need to generate a critical mass of positive thoughts on a regular basis. One of these articles will highlight the fact that it takes three positive thoughts to overcome every negative one, thus the need for daily strategies.

  2. I did not read that you are taking an antidepressant. I would definitely consider this if you haven’t as the research demonstrates quite clearly that the strongest combination is that of therapy and an antidepressant in the approach to coping with depression. With the new medicines being introduced there may be one that suits you.
  3. If you do not want to take an antidepressant there are several homeopathic or herbal alternatives that may be helpful. For these you will want to consult a registered dietitian. Many of the better health food stores have either access to a RD or make available such information. There is some interesting research by the federal Department of Health and Human Services on a supplement known as SAM-E. But please be sure to consult someone knowledgeable in these matters. There may be contraindications if you are taking antidepressants already (or other kinds of medicine) or have certain medical conditions.
  4. You may want to consider group therapy as a means of supplementing your individual therapy. Group therapy is different in that there is an interactive feature that can’t be duplicated in individual therapy, and it often provides a vehicle for support as you begin to make changes in your life. Your therapist may know someone he or she can refer you to in your area.
  5. Meditate. Learning how to self-soothe your emotional turmoil is perhaps the most important skill you can learn. There are dozens of meditation practices and you may have to experiment with several before you find one that you like. Here is a link on meditation to give you a starting point.
  6. Aerobic exercise. The value of exercise in combating depression is very well documented and this is particularly true for any exercise involving aerobic displacement. If you are okay to do this medically, exercise in any form will help.
  7. Review your diet. No one gets depressed, puts the back of their hand to their head and says: “ I am so depressed, I need to have a piece of lettuce.” Our emotional life often changes our craving for various foods, which may not have the best impact on our biochemistry. Again, I would check in with a registered dietitian to be certain your diet is supporting your mental well-being.

Even if you can’t implement all of these things, pick one that isn’t part of your approach right now and begin there. Depression is a formidable foe, but developing these habits for dealing with the symptoms can make the difference.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Show My Boyfriend He Has Paranoid Personality Disorder?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 30th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So, after trying to figure out what has been up with my boyfriend in the last couple of years I think I may have found an answer; he may have PPD – Paranoid Personality Disorder. Problem is, how do I show him this without getting blown up at or called crazy? (The blame usually gets turned around to me because it’s never their fault). We have known each other for 11 years and met online that long ago. He has never told me his last name, or the schools he went to or his parents names or the majority of his friends names (I only know a couple whom he doesn’t talk to anymore), I only found out last year what city he lives in and have only ever received one picture of him two years ago. He also ‘does not feel ready’ to come out and see me. I found a page on this disorder and it’s him in a nutshell. Even though I am emotionally exhausted and getting to the end of my rope with him, I at least want to point out an issue that will probably mess up his other encounters too if not treated. He also wants to go as in leave me, yet does not go and complains about the relationship a bunch. Here is a list off a site of some symptoms;

“People with PPD are always on guard, believing that others are constantly trying to demean, harm, or threaten them. These generally unfounded beliefs, as well as their habits of blame and distrust, might interfere with their ability to form close relationships. People with this disorder:

* Doubt the commitment, loyalty, or trustworthiness of others, believing others are using or deceiving them
* Are reluctant to confide in others or reveal personal information due to a fear that the information will be used against them
* Are unforgiving and hold grudges
* Are hypersensitive and take criticism poorly
* Read hidden meanings in the innocent remarks or casual looks of others
* Perceive attacks on their character that are not apparent to others; they generally react with anger and are quick to retaliate
* Have recurrent suspicions, without reason, that their spouses or lovers are being unfaithful
* Are generally cold and distant in their relationships with others, and might become controlling and jealous
* Cannot see their role in problems or conflicts, believing they are always right
* Have difficulty relaxing
* Are hostile, stubborn, and argumentative

His family has also been split up for over a year now, his dad having cheated on mom 3 times. The thing is, is that even when we were young and that was happening in his household, he never behaved like this to me. Could the rush of testosterone during puberty do it? It has been shown to promote anti social behavior and lack of empathy towards others. Who knows…

Unfortunately, there is no feasible way to know if your boyfriend has paranoid personality disorder (PDD). You’ve included a list of the symptoms as well as a description of the disorder but nothing you’ve written leads me to believe that he has PDD. This is not to say that he does not have it but I can’t tell if he does from your letter.

I also want to add that I find your relationship to be somewhat unusual. You wrote that you’ve known each other for 11 years but you don’t know his last name, the schools he attended, and other basic personal information. You practically know nothing about him. Additionally, it’s not clear in your letter but it seems as though you’ve never met in person. I’m not sure I understand how you could carry on this relationship for so long with a virtual stranger.

I would caution anyone from dating an individual who would withhold basic information about themselves. When it comes to the Internet, I can understand not sharing personal information in the first few days of interacting online. You’d want to get to know someone a little better before you’d share personal information with them. That I understand and I think it’s smart. According to your letter, however, you’ve known this individual for 11 years and you know very little about him. It’s odd that he has not provided you basic personal information but what’s even more peculiar is that you’ve stayed in this relationship for 11 years with a person you barely know and have never met.

I’d suggest before you continue this relationship you find out who this person is. What is his last name? Why will he not share basic information about himself with you after 11 years? It also would have been interesting to know how often you and he communicated or if the two of you have ever spoken on the phone. Do you know where he lives? Perhaps you’re dating a convicted felon who is contacting you from prison. Perhaps not but it is a possibility, unless you have evidence otherwise.

If he’s not willing to reveal basic information about himself at this point then it’s reasonable to conclude he never will. If that’s the case I think you need to reevaluate your relationship with this person and make it a point to only involve yourself with individuals willing to share more than just their first name.

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