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Mexico

He’s newly married and cheating

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 2nd, 2023

Q: I’m 18 and I have been with my husband for 2 and a half years now. We’ve been married for less then a year. Ever since the wedding he’s been lying to me a lot, even about other girls. My wedding day experience was horrible. Every time I would look for my new husband I would see his with my maid of honor either talking or coming out of some secluded area. He swears it was nothing but coincidence. A few months later, on my way to visit my husband at his schooling in California, (Due to the actions of another girl) my maid of honor left me in Las Vegas with very little money. Needless to say we aren’t friends any more. Later I found out she tried convincing my husband that it was my fault and that I had not wanted to get back into the car. About a week after being left in Vegas I noticed a strange name on my husband’s phone. I asked him about this, he said it was his room mate. In the next few days to fallow I noticed he was texting this number well thinking I was asleep. I looked at the phone when he finally fell asleep and saw the number had the same area code as us. I looked through my phone because the number looked so familiar. It was the number for the girl who was the reason I was left in Vegas. I also found out he’d been texting my maid of honor too. I confronted him about this and he again lied. This time he told me that he swore on how much he loved me. (When I brought this to his attention later he said he hadn’t realized he had said that) I told him I knew who it was and that I wasn’t stupid. He begged for me to forgive him. I eventually gave him another chance.

So recently, we’re now living in North Carolina, he had a period of a week and a half where he had been working late and all day Saturday and a few hours on Sunday. (About 3 to 4 hours later then normal) He’s in the military so he said it was training, but one night when he came home I saw a text message from another strange name that said “I’m not worth losing your wife over.” I asked him about this. He told me that it was a guy from work that sent it to the wrong person. I was like it this guy gay cause that didn’t make sense to me. My husband agreed that it was weird. Also during this time he seemed like he responded to me a lot less. I was pretty sure he was cheating. So I asked him. He told me with all that was going on it sure did seem like it but he would never do that because he saw how much it hurt me when he was talking to the other girl behind my back. I believed him. Later I found out he really had been working late so my suspicion was a lot less, and after the week and a half was over he responded to me more. So, I just thought it was ’cause of the stress at work. Then last night I was playing on the internet and I saw an add for a reverse number site. I grabbed my husband’s phone, and got the number. I inserted then number several times trying to find a name for it, but every search came back empty handed. I gave up on it, but still curious I looked through my husbands recent calls. I saw a number with our old area code so I thought maybe he had been speaking to that girl or my maid of honor, again. So I grabbed my phone to look up those numbers and low and behold my maid of honor’s number was the same as the guy from work’s number just with a North Carolina area code instead of a New Mexico one.

I confronted him about it again and he again lied. I proved it to him (not that he needed it) by showing him the two numbers side by side. At first he acted like wow that’s like a one in a million chance, but after me refusing to talk to him he admitted it. Again, he begged me to forgive him. This time I told him I didn’t know if I could. I asked him about the conversation and at first all he said is he asked her how she had been doing because he had not seen her in awhile. So asking that was not worth losing his wife over? It still didn’t make sense to me. So I asked him again. He reluctantly admitted asking her for a picture and then telling her she was beautiful and that is when she sent the, I’m not worth losing your wife over text. Some how I don’t believe that is all that was said. Plus, I saw him delete her number after the previous event, which means he had to sneak into my phone to get her number. I’m not sure what to do. I love him so much that I don’t want to leave him, but I want to let him know that I won’t be walked on. I have forgiven him for many other things that a woman could possibly leave a man for. I don’t want him to take my love for him as a sign of weakness or an okay sign to do what ever he wants to.

At 18, in love, and newly married, you should be having a wonderful, wonderful time. Not this. You may be ready to be married but he has been showing you again and again that he isn’t. I’m so sorry that things are working out this way for you. When you’re not upset and angry, you must be very, very disappointed and sad.

Unfortunately, the two of you have been setting the terms for how you’re going to be married ever since your wedding day and it’s not pretty. He cheats and lies. You worry, get upset, and look for evidence. He gets caught but acts like he’s sorry. You forgive. And he’s good to go again. Your trust is further eroded. He thinks he’s figured out how to be married and single too. If you don’t do something really, really major, this is what your life will be like forever. I think you deserve better.

It’s doubtful he’ll believe any ultimatum on your part at this point. As upsetting as this is, I really think you need to see a lawyer. Find out what your rights are and what would be involved for getting a divorce. Then ask your husband if he really wants a marriage or would be just as happy to have a divorce. If he says he wants to try (and you still have it in you to try too), insist on couples counseling immediately and hold him to it. Within a few months, you should know whether or not a marriage with this guy will work. If it doesn’t, you will know that you’ve done everything you could. Then, please, move on. Better to have a short early marriage and learn from the mistake than to sign on for a lifetime of doubts and anxiety and betrayals. You deserve someone who will love you and cherish you and be a real partner to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 2, 2023 0 comment

Wife Has Detached from Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 17th, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My wife has attachment disorder. We have been married for almost 3 years. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives. I chose to focus on that stress rather than focus on her and how perfect we were for each other. She’s also been sick since before we met with adrenal fatigue and a gluten intolerance that only recently we figured out. But, before, we only knew that she was sick but not the reason. Therefore, I had to really take care of her physical needs. Some days she wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed and I had to take care of her.

This never bothered me, but after a very short while, I started resenting her. I wanted to be with her but it was mostly as friends. I wasn’t in the mood for sex almost every day. She was the one who always started anything and even during the act, I just wasn’t very much into it. I don’t know why. I think she is beautiful and sexy but I could go months without sex and be fine with just a cuddle. I also didn’t compliment her almost at all. She would act sexy and seductive for me and I would barely notice, not because I didn’t enjoy it but because I was distracted and didn’t pay attention to her.

The problem is that she always asked me to talk to her and to be honest with her and I ignored that. I chose to keep all these feelings to myself, afraid that it would cause and argument (I don’t like confrontation).

I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism. She knows it can cause a loss of interest and lower the libido. However, she thinks (and I agree) that it doesn’t matter how I FELT, I could have still made an effort to make her feel beautiful and wanted.

Now, after many many chances she’s given me, she said she’s had enough. She broke up with me and, even though we are still living together, we are only friends. I know I was selfish, and stupid for not talking to her, even though she begged me to. And now, no matter how hard I try, she says that she’s detached from me. She feels a little spark and it’s gone in less than 2 seconds. She says she still loves me, but it was really hard for her to attach to me in the first place and she feels like it’s not worth doing all that work again because of how I treated her. She was always crazy about me.

I used to have a very low self esteem and she made me feel like the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. I just took what she gave me and didn’t give anything in return. To the point that she started doubting herself and feeling like she wasn’t beautiful or like there was something wrong with her.

I don’t want to lose her and I don’t know how to make things right. But I don’t know if things can be fixed between us. I don’t know if she will ever trust me with her heart again. Thinking back, I can’t understand why I did that. It makes no sense to me.

This relationship has been sapped of its energy. Unable to deal with conflict, you didn’t talk about your feelings and only acted out your resentment. It took the threat of losing her for you to re-engage. Understandably, your wife doesn’t trust it.

If your wife is willing, please consider seeing a couples therapist to develop new ways to communicate and to support each other. If your wife won’t go at this point, please consider seeing a therapist yourself. Marriages go through hard times as well as good times. You want to figure out why you couldn’t be a loving support to someone you love so this doesn’t happen to you again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 17, 2023 0 comment

Depressed & Confused About What Is Real

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 3rd, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how can I explain everything, I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I am diagnosed as bipolar. I am medicated and I tend to be like accelerated most of the time. I don’t think I get depressed as much as before, but is very deep and out of sudden. For example, yesterday I was fine in the morning, it was a good day (normal), when I got home to have lunch, I felt so empty, like my essence was drained, I stayed in bed all afternoon, couldn’t eat, speak, anything, not even drinking water, I just stared the ceiling in silence, and sometimes I cried, no real reason.

I wrote to my psychiatrist and she suggested me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. I won’t be hospitalized again, I mean, I have no money now, and if I do it my family would be so mad and then they don’t talk to me, and everything gets harder. So, today I just breathe and left the bed. I can’t talk, eat, or drink water yet. I am following my routine, but with sadness and feeling my lips sealed. I don’t think in suicide, not like I wan’t to die, ’cause I don’t, but I walk in the street and feel so much pain, and then I think if I shoot my head (or something there are many ideas) this pain will end, and never return. And then I try to think something else, my plans, something happy, but I can’t feel it, I just feel and see pain and confusion.

And then I think, that my psych says I am bipolar, but there are voices, I usually have voices, just I have learned how to live with them, like not answer to them in public, and mostly they are nice to me, and give me peace, but then they say I am not human, all this sh.. is because I’m not human, and I am like enlightened and I have to do stuff, to save other dimensions and help nature, and they are stuff that si nice, but now they talked to me again and put images on my head, of myself destroying cars, and streets. I said I could’t do it alone, and they say they’ll do their part, dunno, a lot of stuff. And is easy when you have images in your head about stuff is gonna happen, but you don’t have to do anything. ‘Cause then I just have to wait and see, but now I have to act. And when they are talking, when God talks to me, I don’t doubt, just know have to wait for the signal.

And later, I’m not sure what to believe, I don’t know if I am meant to help clean the world and do what God says, if I am enlightened and like a “special being,” with super perception and can talks to the universe. Or I am sick, I don’t feel sick, but I have read enough to know sometimes bipolars does’t feel they are sick. I never feel sick, I’m not sure I am sick, and i was diagnosed long time ago. like 10 years i believe. And is hard ’cause mi mom thinks I’m like a seer or a witch, and my med thinks I am sick, and my dad thinks I need to go to AA, ’cause is just my emotions in disorder, but I usually don’t have many emotions. And I never know what to believe, and I’m old enough to know, but I don’t.

Sometimes I think I should talk to someone, but I can’t, I can write it, I write to my psychiatrist but don’t see her cause she is out of the country for a year or so. And sometimes I used to talk to her, but nobody else. I really don’t trust in people I know, so I don’t talk about myself, or give my opinion, I mean I know I love my family, so I have a good relationship with them, but I don’t trust them. And is worse with people I don’t know, I can’t even say hi to them, i move my hand or smile, but it takes months of seeing a person, every day to say hi. So I don’t know how can I help myself if I can’t talk. And my head is getting so confusing I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for bothering, and I hope it wasn’t very confusing what I write, sorry again but I don’t feel very clear. I would really appreciate some advice, right now i am a little desperate.

Thank you very much for you time.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult to feel as though you have no one to trust, to confide in or to assist you with these issues. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but she’s out of the country. Being so far away, it would be very difficult for her to effectively help you.

At this point, your symptoms are unstable. You are hearing voices and are having difficulty distinguishing reality from non-reality. The voices are giving you messages, essentially commanding you to behave in a particular way. It is abnormal to believe that you are receiving such messages and commands. Those are signs of psychological instability.

As difficult as it may be, I would strongly advise you to see a mental health professional. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in Mexico so I cannot provide specific recommendations for how to access help. Generally, you should contact a mental health professional. Report your symptoms to the mental health professional. Even if the prospect of meeting with a mental health professional frightens you, do it anyway. Your feelings of fear may be very real but you can override that fear with action.

At this time, your judgment may be impaired. For that reason, you should not ignore your symptoms and assume that you are okay. Your symptoms may fluctuate in severity from day to day but generally they are not likely to improve on their own. Your symptoms require treatment which may include medication or psychotherapy. I hope that you are able to acquire the proper assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 3, 2022 0 comment

I’m Lost

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 12th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’ve been through some stuff, for starters I am an immigrant in the U.S. I’ve been made fun of because of that a lot. I now lie about my origins; I don’t accept the fact that I am not American in front of anyone but my own family. I am basically embarrassed of who I am and I hate myself for that, I mean I should be proud, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a very nice home either, I don’t have a lot of things that I wish I did. I live with my aunt and my cousins, my parents live in Mexico, I see them once a week for a couple of hours. My aunt and uncle constantly fight and so do my cousins, it’s gotten to the point of physical violence and I don’t know what to do sometimes. I lock myself in my room and try to avoid them and everything now. I have secluded myself from my family but for some reason I don’t mind it. I am afraid because I like being alone and I don’t think that’s normal. Being alone makes me feel calm but at the same time I feel lonely, I have a lot of trouble communicating with people. I feel like a fool every time I talk to someone new so I just stick with my old friends, but it seems like now they don’t want to talk to me, or maybe I’m just too boring? Maybe I just have to change myself. Though I have tried, I have tried being nicer but I feel like a hypocrite because it’s not genuine…I tend to judge a lot too, in my head I analyze everything. Every little detail of every person and I always finds something bad, I hate it! Why can’t I just be like the other people, free and careless? I’m very self-conscious. I think sometimes I care too much of what other people think, I tend to make people’s likes and dislikes my own just to agree with them. Why can’t I ever express myself properly? I was never like this, when I was little I was very outgoing and everything was so wonderful. I think I changed a lot when I started living with my cousins. For some reason I have this weird flashback from when I was smaller. I was sleeping with my brother and my two cousins, I was in the middle of the bed and all of a sudden I woke up, and my cousin was touching me…then he looked me in the eye and said what? And I didn’t say anything. I just turned the other way and went back to sleep. I don’t know for sure if this really happened but I could swear it did. Everything is so clear in my head and it disgusts me that for some twisted reason I didn’t mind it. Why didn’t I say anything? My brother was right next to me! I’m so disgusting. I am currently unsure of what I want, and I guess that’s perfectly normal for a teenager but it bothers me so much and I stress over so many things and I just wish I could stop caring so much like everyone else. Why can’t I just have a normal family and a normal house? I wish my mom was here, I miss her so much and I miss the way my dad and I were. My dad and I were so close until I found out he had another family, though I guess I always knew but I never took it seriously until I was a little older, at first I thought sharing my daddy was ok. Then I realized he’s wrong and so is my mom for allowing it. Now his other wife has cancer, he is no longer the same and the only time I see him, he ignores me and I have learned to ignore him as well. I hate it though… I miss his old self and my old self and I just need someone to tell me how to change. I just want to be sure because I don’t remember when was the last time I was completely sure about anything.

I appreciate you writing us here at Psych Central and hope I can offer some thoughts on helping you. Since you are still in high school I think you want to start with the resources there. The important thing now is for you to have an adult who understands the transitions and issues you are going through – and the best place to start is with your school guidance counselor. He or she has training in helping students with exactly the kind of issues you are bringing forward. Talk to them as soon as you can about your concerns and they should be able to help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 12, 2022 0 comment

Turning into Abusive Dad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 5th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

When I was a child my father always insulted me. I remember he made me cry almost everyday when we were doing my homework because I couldn’t do things right. He made fun of me when I got things wrong or just kept screaming at me. He treated me as if I had no opinions or will, I remember he used to tell me “Don’t ask, you are only here to obey!”. I don’t remember much about my mother being there, she’s still living with us, I just don’t remember what she told me or did back then, she just tells me that she was scared of him.

Now that I’m 22, I realise that this has impacted me in a big way. I’m almost like him; I’m always arguing with people, I don’t have many friends, always pointing out negative things people have and the thing that made me come here is that I can’t have a girlfriend. Every time I like a girl (3 until now), instead of feeling good I start to feel bad, it hurts, not because she doesn’t like me back, it just hurts even at the beginning when I have a couple of days of meeting her. A friend told me it was fear of being rejected or not accepted as I am just like my father used to do back when I was a child.

What can I do to fix this? I don’t hate my father, I just know he was treated the same way he is treating me. Sometimes he tells me things to bother me or insult and even though I feel bad at the moment, I say to myself “I don’t care”.
Thanks.

Children tend to learn what they live. Just as your father learned to be a negative, judgmental man from his father, you’ve learned the same thing from him. But here’s the good thing: Anything we learn, we can unlearn. Being judgmental and critical isn’t genetic. It’s just the result of picking up a bad habit.

Give yourself lots of credit for recognizing the problem. And listen to your friend. I think he’s onto something. You can change this. Really. You can. You are only 22. You still have a lot of growing and developing yet to do.

Start disciplining yourself to say 3 positive things for every negative thing you say. Practice random acts of kindness. Make a promise to yourself to do several small favors for others every day – and do it. Ask your friend to catch you whenever you are doing something generous, kind or positive. You need positive feedback. And – do the same thing for your dad. He needs to start hearing about what he is doing right too. Whenever he does or says the least little thing that is positive, let him know how much you appreciate it. The most important thing is to be genuine about it. If it sounds sarcastic, this will backfire. If you can be more generous with compliments, it will be contagious.

A turnaround won’t happen instantly but it will happen. Keep a private journal or what you are doing and how it is going. I suspect that in about 3 months, if you do these things, you will begin to see a shift in your family and in your own attitude.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

February 5, 2021 0 comment