Tag:

Misogyny

Boyfriend Troubles

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 17, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. At the beginning of the relationship he was very attached. We would spend every day together and had no problem with it. After a few weeks of dating he became very controlling I use to spend the night with my girlfriends all the time but in the past year I’ve probably only done that 5-7 times. I know only have about 3 friends that I rarely text because I’m to scared to touch my phone I just don’t want to cause a fight. Even asking him if I can stay the night at my friends house is hard to do because hell get mad. And yes I ask him to do things I’ve more than once expressed how I feel like his dog in this relationship. He would spend the night at my house for weeks resulting him to move into my house with me. Keep in mind we started living together about 3 months into the relationship. We fight daily it seems and over the stupidest things. He uses to get so mad punch his car door and other things to inflict self-pain he’ll scream and cause a scene. He is very big on making a scene when we fight. If we get into a fight I cant leave the room to relax I have to stay and talk. One time during a fight I needed to go for a walk and he wouldn’t let me pass him on the stairs I tried to get by and he fell back down the stairs. I felt so bad but couldn’t help to feel he did it on purpose to make me stay even after that he had to take the walk with me. I feel I’m more mature than him, he fights with me when I don’t tell him things my friends tell me and he constantly wants to know what I’m talking about when I text my friends. Even when I’m typing on the computer hell come near act and me like he’s getting something to see what I’m typing or just watch. He never helps me clean my room and only until recently when I made it apparent he never use to get his own food or anything. He has no respect for my time he always makes me late and when I get mad at him he gets mad back. When we argue he says that I never say sorry and go cuddle him to make him happy. This idea makes me mad when I’m mad at him I don’t want to cuddle him and say sorry because more than half the times he’s the reason the argument started. He gets mad when I don’t answer the phone or if I don’t text him back fast enough but that’s never the case when he does it. A lot of times we fight when it gets deep enough breaking up come up from me. He hates this and says I always use that but at that point I feel like not being with him would make me happier. I love my boyfriend but he’s a pain in my butt. I could fill a book with how many fights we have been in. I can honestly say we fight at least 4 times a week. I have no idea what to do anymore.

The first thing I’d do is to reconsider your definition of love. Your boyfriend sounds jealous, controlling, misogynistic, and apparently has an anger management problem. He seems to be a taker rather than a giver and you have explained that the most intense emotion you have with him is regular fighting. What is it you love? Everything that you’ve explained sounds like love’s opposite.

It may be that you have tolerated him and that you may be attracted to his potential rather than his reality. If you’re fighting all the time and he is jealous of you — then what do you love? Men with anger management problems who are controlling their girlfriend or wife tend to have a very rough go of it. They are often very resistant to change, blame others for problems that they are causing and have very little empathy. I would encourage you to look for and support from the woman’s center in your county. You need to see this relationship more clearly and rethink your definition of love.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

October 17, 2023 0 comments

I Hate My Family

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. October 12, 2022

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I don’t really hate my family but I wish something was different. My parents and my older brother are very similar- especially when it comes to how they feel about the person that I am dating. I have been together with my boyfriend for over 3 years, and we eventually want to marry each other. A huge obstacle is that my parents are super traditional, Korean parents. They don’t like that I am dating my boyfriend because he comes from a different background (he’s white) and is not college educated and doesn’t have a “successful” and “prestigious” career. My brother is a doctor and he has a girlfriend. Both my parents and her parents approve of the relationship and therefore their relationship is much easier. My brother is going on a vacation with her and what frustrates me is that my mom doesn’t want me going on a vacation with my boyfriend and his family & friends. She says “when he’s ready to marry (finishes school and makes money like your brother) you then you guys can go on trips together. She goes “Of course my heart aches when I know your boyfriend cannot partake in our family affair but it’s because he’s not ready. When he’s become capable then I will gladly support your relationship and my blessings.

I told my boyfriend how I couldn’t go anymore and when I told him the reasons he was very upset and offended that they wouldn’t let me go on the trip when his family are going to be there. He’s upset that my parents don’t trust his family. I don’t know what to do. I am angry at my parents for thinking so Korean. They think I should ask for permission to go on trips with my SO. They think they should have a huge say in who my potential husband should be. They think they have made many sacrifices including letting me date my boyfriend even though they do not want us together. Now, I think total opposite. Though I do take their considerations dearly, I don’t think I have to do what they say. But when I say this they think I’m in the wrong. Help. I am going crazy. I can’t talk to anyone because no one understands me. I can’t talk to my boyfriend because he gets emotional. None of my friends can give me advice since they don’t have parents like mine since they are not Asian.

A: Thanks for writing in with your question. The issues you describe here are probably not as uncommon as you think. It can be very difficult to balance cultural differences and nearly impossible to please everyone. It sounds like you respect your parents and want to make them happy, but it is time for you to think about your happiness and your future. You are an adult now and part of being an adult means making adult decisions, and being willing to deal with the consequences of those decisions.

I mean no disrespect to your parents, but at the age of 27 I think you can decide who you want to date, and certainly who you want to go on vacation with. Your boyfriend and his family have every right to be “emotional” and upset. I’m sure they are feeling unfairly judged by your family.

Just because your friends aren’t Asian, does not mean you can’t talk to them about your problems. People don’t have to have the same issues to lend an empathetic ear. However, if you need more support than what they can offer, I suggest that you look into finding a family therapist with a specialty in multi-cultural issues. If you plan to move forward in the relationship with your boyfriend, you may need professional support to help mend bridges with your family. Good luck with this important stage of your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

October 12, 2022 0 comments

Acquaintance With Possible Passive-Aggressive Traits

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 22, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m acquainted with somebody and not sure what I’m dealing with. He never seems to express anger even when anger is appropriate, and he makes gender-oriented comments towards women that are superficially conversational but otherwise quite demeaning. For example, he’ll bring up a teacher he had in high school (17 yrs ago) and describe her as a “feminazi” because of a comment she made about a gym bag being brought to class being a “guy thing”. This isn’t the only time I’ve heard him use the term, either.

At the same time, I’ve seen him turn to a random woman he’d never met before and (in a conversational tone), explain that the women’s Olympic gold medal hockey team would be beaten by any midget boy’s hockey team (15-17 yr old boys).

He met his now ex-girlfriend when she was dating somebody else, and started what’s been referred to as an “emotional affair” with her before getting her to leave her boyfriend and get with him. Given other pieces of behavior it strikes me as a need for validation (ie: “she left him for me, so I have worth”) and some boundary issues.

All of this, the bizarre grudge over almost two decades, the covertly demeaning comments (always broadly gender-oriented and always delivered in a genial tone), the strange lack of anger even in situations warranting it, seriously raises the hairs on the back of my neck.

Is there any way I can get a better grip on what I’m dealing with, or anything else to look for? There are people in my life I care for that he seems to be zeroing in on, and I’m concerned I’m dealing with a covert emotional abuser.

There was once a mental health disorder called passive aggressive personality disorder contained in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). Individuals who had been diagnosed with this disorder complied with the desires of others but internally felt resentful. In the process of seeming compliant, they could covertly express their hostility or anger. It’s possible that he may be demonstrating some of those traits.

To be able to offer an opinion about what might be wrong with him, I would need more information about his personality and his behavior towards others. You have provided some examples, but it’s not enough for me to provide you with an informed opinion. What we do know about him is that he seems rude, insensitive, opinionated and, perhaps, chauvinistic and narcissistic.

You believe that he is an emotional abuser and you do not seem to like being around him. In that case, it may be best to keep your distance. Establish very clear boundaries and do not spend much time in his presence, if you can help it. It’s important to keep yourself and those around you safe.

If you like to write back and provide more details about this individual, I may be able to provide a more informed opinion on this matter. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

March 22, 2021 0 comments

Why is There No Shame in Seeking Therapy?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 19, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have often heard or read that “There is no shame in seeking therapy.” (or any kind of help), but I have never been told why.

Being unable to cope with something on my own is weakness, there is no other way of seeing it. There really is not. Inability to do something theoretically possible is the same as being too weak to do it and -assuming I have free will- controlling my actions is not just theoretically possible but should even be extremely easy.

And there definitely is shame weakness and definitely no strength in admitting weakness, especially considering that the act of admitting it is really the moment I am no longer strong enough.
(Yes, I have heard that the meak shall inherit the earth but we all know that is not true so please don’t try to deny these facts.)

Is there some reasonable, rational explanation for the “no shame” statement or is just supposed to make people feel better?

In the public at large, there are many beliefs that are held which are simply not true. Perhaps they are stubborn remnants of prejudice, ignorance, bigotry, hubris, misogyny or other psychological ill health. Many people erroneously believe that they should be able to solve all of their own problems. If they can’t do so they feel weak, embarrassed or maybe even “less of a person.”

Some erroneous beliefs about therapy still exist, to a lessening degree, despite the commendable efforts of professional and advocacy organizations.

There is less of a stigma associated with receiving medical treatment, though many people see medical treatment as a weakness. Generally, most people do not feel weak or embarrassed if they seek help for a medical problem. Most people understand that medical problems require the assistance of highly trained professionals who spent years advancing their knowledge in their field. The same logic should apply to psychological problems. Just like medical doctors, therapists receive many years of training.

If there’s no shame in seeking help for medical problems then there should be no shame in seeking help for psychological problems.

Just as the layperson lacks training in medicine, the layperson lacks the specialized knowledge of a mental health professional.

Can you clean your fuel injectors; change the burners in your furnace; straighten your teeth? Did you instinctively know trigonometry, calculus, or even how to read? Did you need someone to teach you these things? Did you feel like less of a person because you needed someone to teach you?

We aren’t born knowing everything. There is much we have to learn from others, whether from books written by others or from others making videos or teaching us in person.

There is no shame in not knowing. When we don’t know, we look for those answers. Maybe from a book, a class, or a person: who also once did not know but now does.

I hope this helps.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 19, 2021 0 comments