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I hate myself and no one seems to care

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 7th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an eighth grade girl: I have been geting in to fights with my dad and always after words i want to go and cry till i die. I know he knows i always do this and it seems like he doent care at all. But he always sayes he loves me, yet he acts like im just a burdden to him. my mom tryes to make me see that he really does love me but i never belive her. i cant really stand being with my parrents anymore and my dad hates the choues i make, like when i color my hair. my Mom thinks it a good way of expresing me but my dad thinks its like painting “im stupid” on my forhead. And i have cut my self befor im not really happy that i did but i didnt know what to do..i still have the marks and they remind me of what i did becaues i was sad. i have to live with my dad for 5 more years and i dont think i can take it, cuz most of the time when im home im in my room alone with my ipod.

I can tell from your letter that you are a very sensitive person. The upside of that is that you are probably insightful and sympathetic about lots of things. The downside is that you are still learning how to manage your own sensitivities. On top of all that, you are at an age when you are adjusting to changes in your body and your hormones. All this can make things loom much larger than they need to.

Meanwhile, your dad is adjusting to the fact that his little girl is growing up. He’s not used to having a young lady in the house who is experimenting with her looks and who is asserting her own individuality. Because your mom was once a girl, she is more likely to understand.

The mature thing to do is to stop isolating and start talking. Start with your mom. Talk with her about how much your dad’s comments really do hurt. Ask her to help you talk with him about how important it is for you to try out making some of your own decisions and to try some new looks. Let him know that his opinion really does count – a lot! See if you all can work out a way to have differences of opinion without name-calling. Meanwhile, get out of your room and do some fun things together as well. Share a game, introduce them to some new music, make dinner together. Positive times will help balance the more difficult ones.

You are adjusting to being a teen. Your parents are adjusting to having a new teenaged you. It’s normal for there to be some bumps in the road. Focus on how lucky you are to have folks who tell you they love you and who are trying their best.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Roommate Issues

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 13th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m sharing an apartment with my girlfriend and two other guys for college and we have all written, signed, and agreed to a set of rules, guidelines, and penalties, being clear that we wanted to make our time here as easy and peaceful as possible. Even though we did that, one of the guys I live with consistently breaks the rules and makes messes without cleaning them up and it has gotten to the point that he doesn’t listen to us anymore or follow the guidelines for the apartment that we all agreed to. He told my girlfriend that he thinks I’m trying to dominate him and that I’m manipulative with the intention of making him clean up our messes, which is simply not true; we clean up our own messes and I don’t care to dominate anyone. I just want a healthy apartment in which we can all be comfortable. He told her not to tell me about that, but he wouldn’t tell me himself for some reason.
It’s frustrating and stressful for all of us and I don’t know how to solve this issue since he thinks I’m being manipulative and that I have hidden motives when I can’t possibly be any more straightforward and clear with everything. He won’t sit with us to talk and solve the problems, either. Since he perceives the things I say to him as manipulative and dominating, I haven’t been talking to him for weeks, but the issues still remain. He also thinks that I’m controlling my girlfriend and that she’s basically my puppet, which is also not true, but that prevents her from being a mediator to help fix things. He agreed earlier to go to the campus counselors with us to solve these issues, but it’s only for one session. If that doesn’t help, we were thinking of calling his mom to see if she can get through to him. What can we do to solve the problems so we can at least have a peaceful, clean, orderly apartment for the rest of the semester? Any advice or tips?

It’s not uncommon for people who are trying to live together for the first time to have issues like these. You all did a great job at the outset. Setting up clear guidelines and penalities is usually a way to prevent situations like this. You didn’t mention what the penalties are supposed to be but it certainly sounds like it’s way past time to invoke them.

This guy is in control of the entire household. He does what he pleases. He has you all living on his terms. When any of you call him on it, he turns it back around on you by calling you names. He’s even dictating how often you will all see a counselor. Who made him king?

I’m concerned that somehow your other roommates have put you in the position of the “enforcer.” Your problem at this point is as much with your girlfriend and your other housemate as it is with Mr. Slob. It’s not just your problem. It’s a household problem. The three of you need to hold a meeting and decide what you want to do collectively. If you need help with that, by all means go to see the school counselor by yourselves and come to agreement. You don’t need him to go along to the counseling session. In fact, my guess is that he’s not really interested in changing but only in proving to the counselor that you are all being unreasonable. You’ll probably get more done if you leave him out, at least for the first meeting.

You might also see what your legal rights are since he did sign a contract with all of you that he is happily breaking.

Once you’ve decided on a course of action, the three of you need to present it as a group decision with group consequences. Be sure that everyone truly buys in and will back you up. If they won’t, then that’s the issue you need to talk to the counselor about. It’s not appropriate or fair of your housemates to put you out front, leading the charge and then to go passive on you.

By the way: Calling his mother might be one alternative but, frankly, I think that’s a last resort. See if you can handle it as the adults you are.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depression or Bipolar?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 12th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not really sure where to start. For about 4-5 years I’ve alternated between depression and a very hyper and (usually) happy mood. The depression usually lasts a few weeks, sometimes a month or so. The hyper mood rarely lasts as long, usually a week or two.

I usually think about suicide a little when I’m depressed, and seriously consider it every few months but talk myself out of it because I know I’ll feel better eventually. (I also know I’ll get depressed again, but I don’t think about that when I feel that way.) Occasionally it will seem like I’m sort of disconnected from everything, like everthing is hazy, like in a dream although I know what’s real and whats not. Once it got so bad that I started to believe my mom was keeping me at home forever (I’m homeschooled) and would kill me if I tried to escape or found out about her “plan”, and that my brother was part of it(not true at all by the way). Other than that I don’t know what else to say about it, I guess it’s mostly just typical depression. Now I’ll explain the hyper mood.
It starts with me not being tired at all and just feeling silly.

I can sleep 0-5 hours a night for several days and still not be tired. It seems like I do everything faster, and after a little while it gets annoying because everything else seems too slow and starts to get boring/frustrating. I get distracted almost constantly by how fast I think. My thoughts are loosely connected by one detail of each thought, or I make up conversations I’d like to have with people (almost like daydreaming). It used to get so weird that I would start to believe impossible or nearly impossible things. When I was about 13 I learned one song on guitar and believed i would be the most famous guitarist in the world by the time I turned 14. I once believed invisible cameras were following me and somehow recording what I did then to be used in interview or something in the future when I would be on TV. Similar things like that happened alot until I was about 15, I still daydream like that alot but never believe it as much as I used to. Colors seem brighter and its like I’m aware of everything. Sounds, smells, peoples conversations, basically everything becomes clearer. Recently its been more anger and anxiety than happiness, especially after several days of it. That’s all I can think of for explaining that part.

Ive occasionally heard things in either/both moods. Usually just noises or my name. Sometimes I get really angry, sometimes over very little things. When I was younger I would throw/break things when I got really mad, after awhile my mom nearly made me go to therapy so I learned to stop throwing/breaking things but I still get just as mad. It usually feels like I can’t control it, like the anger takes over me completely.
My family history:

Ive occasionally heard it mentioned that my dad is bipolar, but I dont know for sure because I havent asked him.
grandma, aunt and uncle on antidepressants (dont know exactly why)
Cousin that attemped suicide once (also dont know why)
other cousin that was kicked out of the coast gurd for some mental or emotional issue (again dont know exactly what/why)
grandmas brother that was severely depressed almost his whole life
Thats all I remember.

Because of my dad I’ve taken the bipolar quiz on this site and I scored a 43, but I’m not taking it too seriously because its just a quiz.
Well thats it, sorry its really long but I tried to put as much detail as possible. Thanks for reading this.

If you are a regular reader of my column then you know that it is difficult for me to give an individual a reliable diagnosis over the Internet. Based on your letter it is possible that you have bipolar disorder. You have described periods of depression and mania. What you describe as being “a hyper mood” is fairly consistent with the description of mania. If you would like to read more about the signs and symptoms of bipolar disorder please click this link.

What can and should you do? Make an appointment with a mental health professional. He or she could help you determine if you meet the criteria for a diagnosis of bipolar disorder. You may want to choose a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of bipolar disorder.

After you have been evaluated discuss with the clinician what type of treatment would be best for you. I would not recommend ignoring your symptoms. Aside from the fact that you may have bipolar disorder my concern is that you have suicidal thoughts. Individuals with bipolar disorder are more likely to attempt and complete suicide. This potentially places you at a higher risk for suicide. Suicidal thoughts need to be taken very seriously. I would advise anyone who is having thoughts of suicide to see a mental health professional immediately.

Writing a letter is a starting point but more needs to be done. I hope you will follow through and make an appointment with a mental health professional. If you have any further questions, please do not hesitate to write back. Lastly, here is a link to the Psychology Today website where you can search for a therapist in your community. I wish you well.

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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 28th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Q. I visited (and stayed with) my Mother, at Christmastime, and was kicked out of her house, as she thought I was having sex with her boyfriend, who was staying at her house, at the same time that I was.

She continues to abuse me by saying that I have taken her boyfriend away from her, which has no basis of truth. I had no relations, with him, other than seeing him, while I was with her, at her house.

My Mom has been diagnosed (about 15 years ago) as suffering from paranoid schizophrenia. She was hospitalized, in 1992, when her husband passed away, when she completely lost touch with reality, by thinking that my Dad was still alive and they were going to take a charter flight to Hawaii. When hospitalized, she could not recognize who I was, which was ‘very’ upsetting. At that time, she was placed on Risperdal, which turned her around in about a 2 week time.

I have no contact, with Mom, because of her abusive behavior. She thinks (now) that I am living with her boyfriend and I am living with him, having the time of my life, which is false. I live in a completely different state and have since 2003.

I’m having a very hard time dealing with this abuse, from her.

I was told by her Psychology Counseling – Case Managers, that Mom has signed a form to have me taken off her contact list, in case of emergency and/or I cannot have any input into her care.

Mom has gone as far as changing her cell phone…and…home phone number, so that I cannot call her.

When this ‘abuse’, first started, her caretaker (Case Mgr), told me that it was possible that she had a stroke. I tried to convince the Case Mgr., that she needed to be checked out medically, but nothing was done. Her Case Mgr., then told me that her medication had been reduced. That’s when the “problems” started, when her medication was lowered.

What can I do to help my Mom? Also, what can I do to stop worrying about her and stop feeling guilty, although I have done nothing wrong?

I feel, at a loss, as she has restricted my knowledge of her medical care. This is just part of her illness.

If something should happen, to her, I don’t want our relationship to end with her “truly” believing these disgusting things about me, her only daughter.

I am at a total loss and would like some advice on what I can do next, to obtain help for Mom.

Thank you very much for your time.

What you must realize is that you are dealing with an individual who because of her illness may be unable to think logically and rationally. You believe that she is abusing you and perhaps some of her behavior may in fact constitute abuse but what complicates this matter is the fact that she has schizophrenia.

Unfortunately, the experience you describe with your mother is common. People with schizophrenia often incorporate close family and friends into their delusions and paranoia. They do not do it deliberately. It is the nature of the illness. Friends and family can sometimes be viewed by a schizophrenic individual as enemies. It is not uncommon for an individual with schizophrenia to believe that the people who are trying to help them are trying to harm them.

Let me explain by using an example. I am familiar with a family in which the mother has had schizophrenia for over 25 years. She is married and has three adult children. She has been hospitalized for severe psychotic episodes at least 30 times but still does not believe that she has schizophrenia.

During the course of the illness, every time that she had a psychotic episode, she became extremely paranoid and delusional. The paranoia and delusions always seemed to center on her husband. As the psychosis progressed, she would become increasingly convinced that her husband was conspiring to harm her. For instance, during one episode she became so convinced that he was attempting to take the children away that as a way to ensure that he could not, she told the police that he had molested the children. During other psychotic episodic occasions, she told the police that he dealt drugs, stole vehicles, robbed banks, brainwashed the children, poisoned her food, planted listening devices in her legs, and so forth. None of it was true but she absolutely believed it to be.

Generally, each psychotic episode required hospitalization. The hospitalizations were involuntary meaning that she was always committed to the hospital against her will. Her husband was usually the individual who signed the commitment papers. While at the hospital, it was not uncommon for her to tell the hospital staff many negative things about her husband and ask that he not be allowed to visit or have a say in her medical care. Her husband thus always became her enemy.

The truth is that her husband helped her tremendously during her many psychotic episodes but she continued to believe that he was trying to harm her. Each time that she had an episode she targeted him as the “bad guy.” Before he learned about the symptoms of schizophrenia he was shocked and appalled at how she accused him of engaging in activities that he did not participate in. Naturally, it angered and upset him. He was almost arrested on many occasions because of the untrue stories that she told the police. He later came to understand that it was the illness that caused her to be so suspicious of him. He had to learn how to separate her from the illness symptoms. He had to learn not to take her outrageous accusations personally and to realize that her behavior toward him was part of her illness.

In your situation, your mother’s illness may be what is causing her to behave in a manner that you consider abusive. It is important to examine her behavior and determine if it is the illness that is causing her to behave erratically toward you.

Even if her behavior is a result of the illness, it does not mean that you have to tolerate it. Try to realize that her actions toward you may be beyond her control, then work to establish rules and boundaries with her. Continue to limit your contact with her. You said that you have stopped all contact with her and that is fine if you chose this but please know that it will most likely not work to alter her behavior towards you. Remember, it may be the illness that accounts for her behavior towards you and probably not because she has a personal vendetta against you. Again, it is important to try to separate the person from their illness.

Schizophrenia is a very complex illness. It’s not only debilitating to the individuals suffering from the disease but it can profoundly affect the family members of the person living with the illness.

The goal is to be firm but compassionate with your mother, limit the time you spend with her and realize that much of what is causing her behavior towards you may be out of her control and due to the illness.

I welcome you to write again if you have any additional or future questions. Please let me know how you are doing. Also, I have written extensively about schizophrenia and the family. Please see my other answers regarding this subject here. They may be helpful to you. Take care and thanks for writing.

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Mom With Schizophrenia Refuses Treatment

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 20th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Me and my 20yr old sis take care of her and everything else. So, It all Started about 8 years ago when i was 14 and my sister was 12. My mother had a drug induced schizophrenic break – Crystal Meth was her drug of choice, though she didn’t limit herself to that, also drinking HEAVILY and smoking pot and cigarettes. over a series of months, and many crazy jumbled stories that came from her mouth, we came to realize it was more than just the drug use making her act like that. Then something happened, i cant remember the exact catalyst anymore that set her off but, She went into a full on ranting fit screaming and running through our whole neighborhood – which led to her being taken on her first 51/50. They held her for a couple hours (til she was sober and comprehendible i presume, i was young) and then after having a conversation with her decided she was fine and released her. This has been the biggest downfall to my story, my mothers intelligence. She is a Graduate of USC, majored in English, and generally can talk her way out of ANYTHING – and i don’t say this with any sort light sense. My mother is far from stupid, and in that regard still very much in touch with the world, she knows the date, she knows Obama is the president, she knew very well she didn’t like Sara Palin, and she knows Brian is her favorite character on Family Guy. Like I said, this has been my biggest down fall, my mother has no problem putting on the show for everyone else. Everyone except me and my sister.

This same pattern went on for a few months, big loud screaming ranting fits followed by brief 51/50 holds, only to have her return home in the same condition…if not worse. Eventually something finally happened, my mother deluded herself into thinking she was having a heart attack, which she definitely was not – even me and my sister were aware of this and we had barely hit our teens.

Anyway, she made us call 911 – leading to another 51/50 – this time someone caught on to her. they saw she wasn’t quit right even if she could answer all there questions. At last we had an answer: Paranoid Schizophrenia. She was diagnosed and put on meds (again cant remember which type, i was only about 15 at this point) she took it for a while, and i have a vague memory of thinking my mom might be back. Oh how wrong i was! About 6 months later she stopped taking the medication claiming she felt all better and didnt need it anymore. which was true…for about 2 days.

This how now gone on for years. The same repeated pattern, shell be ok for a little – maybe a couple weeks, then shell start going down hill, then we hit a point where she gets really crazy, constantly talking to herself, then she will through a huge fit, which often involves the police, then once she is calmed there is usually a brief period of guilt, and then it starts all over – not that the voices ever go away – she talks to them all day all night 24/7.

2 Years ago me and my sister moved into our own apartment trying to escape the Madness, we have an older sister – but she only contributes to the problem, she is no help. My mother was basically left on our doorstep and we had no choice but to take her in. We still cant get her on meds, and i feel while we have taken some steps forward in the past 2 years i also know we havent gotten anywhere. She is Sober now, generally speaking, She hasnt been anywhere near meth or any hard drugs as i wont let it within 20 miles of my apartment, where as my older sister had no problem supplying her with it for the 3 years before she moved into my place. She isnt allowed any hard alcohol. i will let her have a beer every now and then, but i avidly regulate only pouring her a small glass at a time and having her drink it over a long period with food and such. Its more of a fixation thing with her, so i try to kinda trick her with little things like that. and she can have her cigs, but that’s it. occasionally she will get her hands on some pot from my lovely father – but i try to avoid this at all costs.

However, even though we have removed the substances from her life she isnt getting any better – more like she is getting worse. She literally cant function as a normal person – i am in firm belief she will never be able to hold down a job again. and she still has rage filled violent outbursts – she would never touch me or my sister and has never hurt us in anyway – but she has punched my neighbors window through, and broken my sisters radio with her fist in bits of rage. Most recently was the window incident which landed her on another 51/50 and in the hospital. Between all the nurses, doctors, security guards and cops, they couldn’t even get her calmed down enough to take her blood, let alone give her a shot of something to calm her down. Eventually they came and asked me and my sister to come back and see if we could get her to sit still.

Now here is the weird part. we walked in, she took one look at us, and was instantly calm. she asked us what happened, why she was there, and what everyone wanted from her. like she didn’t even remember it. Me and my sister refer to this as Mom 1 and Mom 2. her 2 personalities don’t correspond and she has no recollection when one of her personalities does something. we actually have it down to a kind of math – we know immediatly which one she is at any given time.

Anyways, they actually held her this time, for 2 whole nights! this is truly a vacation to me as awful as that sounds to say! but after many meetings with therapists they decided again with the paranoid schizophrenic diagnosis. they did prescribe her a medicine – something that started with an R, i cant remember exactly, and then released her to me and my sister. she was very very normal for the next few days, she seemed extremely happy to be back to our little apartment, and was acting what is now Strangely Normal to me. We tried to go get the prescription filled but whatever they prescribed cost some $200 for a 2 weeks supply!! Obviously we could NOT afford this! so after the few days of this new nice mom, the medicine wore off and she went back to her regular crazy self.

In the last 6 months since this incidence it has been a total roller coaster with her. some days she is fine and she will get up and shower and pick up the apartment and do her laundry, other days she lays in bed and cries literally ALL DAY. She is always saying she doesn’t feel good, but wont go to the doctor. and is up almost every night mumbling to the voices in her head. we try to get her up get her do things but at this point i have lost hope. I tried to apply for disability and got declined – something to do with age and SS credits.

At this point i just need some advice, some options i might have. I have no idea what to do or how to move forward. my sister and i cant take care of her forever like this. we are broke, work 5 jobs between the 2 of us, and barely make enough to cover the rent and necessary bills. We need a break. but we cant leave her alone. we cant give her $5 for food without her trying to go to the liquor store and buy some vodka. we don’t even know where we can take her to get some help. is there like day care for someone like her…again i know how awful this sounds, but i am just so lost with this. Me and my sister have figured it all out on our own since i was 14 and she was 12, we are 22 and 20 now respectively. we are at a lose of ideas.

So what do i do with my schizophrenic mom? How can i help her and help my situation at the same time? Please, any advice would help!

Thank You for your time!! Jenna

Dear Jenna, you may only have a few options in this situation. Your mother has schizophrenia, she’s clearly out of control, she’s constantly interacting with the police and hospital, she needs to be watched 24/7 and she refuses to take her medication. This essentially leaves her to remain psychotic and probably you and your sister feeling helpless. You and your sister work five jobs between the both of you and it’s barely enough to pay the bills. The two options I see for you in the situation are 1) that you and your sister work together to create a plan in which you coerce your mother into taking her medication; or 2) move her into a group home or residential living facility in which she could be constantly monitored and given her medication by medical and psychiatric staff.

Let’s examine the first option which is that you and your sister create a plan that focuses on your mother taking her medication. I’m essentially suggesting you create rules for her based on the premise that if she wants to remain in your home she must take her medication. To make certain she does take the medicine you and your sister could take turns administering the medication each day. For instance, you would be responsible for Monday, Wednesday and Friday and she would be responsible for Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday and Sunday or vice versa. You can choose whatever days or times work best for you and your sister based on your work schedules.

Each time you or your sister gives her the medicine do a “mouth check” (i.e. ask that she open her mouth to prove she swallowed it). This may be difficult to enforce because she could “cheek” the pill. “Cheeking” the pill means she hides it underneath her cheek or tongue and pretends as though she swallowed it. You want to check for this. If she believes that she doesn’t need the medicine because she “feels better,” then she may be trying to act as though she took it.

If you choose this method I would also advise you to keep the medication in your possession. That way, she cannot say that she has already taken it for the day. If it’s in your possession, you’ll know if and when you gave it to her.

It also might be a challenge to keep a consistent medication administration schedule between you and your sister if the both of you are working odd or late hours. If coordinated correctly, and if you and your sister make a commitment to administering the medication every single day, this may be a way that she could continue to live with you and not constantly be in and out of the hospital.

You may also want to offer her rewards for taking the medication. For instance, if she complies with taking the medication for a month perhaps you and your sister could take her out for dinner or to a movie. This may create a positive association in her mind between taking medication and the getting to spend time with her daughters.

This method also ensures that she doesn’t have to continually experience psychotic episodes. There is some evidence that with each psychotic episode it takes longer for an individual to “come out” of that episode. There is also evidence that with each psychotic episode it is difficult for the individual to fully return to their previous state of psychological functioning. This is called stepwise decompensation. For these reasons, it is important to prevent reoccurring psychotic episodes with medication. Medication is the best method to prevent these episodes.

Also anticipate the possibility that your mother may not be open to the idea of her daughters administering her medication. She may feel that she is being treated like a child. She may feel this way at first but that feeling may fade with time. I can understand why she may feel that way but the problem is she is not willing to stay on her medication even though each time she stops taking it she has another psychotic episode that lands her in the hospital or involvement with the police.

Unfortunately, she needs help and she’s not able to care for herself at this time. There may come a time in the future when she is able to consistently take her medication on her own and remain symptom-free but at this time, she has a track record of not being able to do so.

A variation of this option would be to stipulate that in order for her to continue living with you and your sister she must accept an injectable form of medication. Currently, there are several antipsychotic medications that can be administered as an injection. Risperdal Consta, for instance, is an injection that can be given in the arm, upper thigh, or buttocks. It’s typically given twice a month. The injection is administered by a psychiatric nurse or a doctor. In many communities, there are services that come to the home to give the injection. If your mother took an injectable form of medication this might give you peace of mind. It could prevent her from having a relapse and it would keep her out of the hospital.

There’s also the added issue of her substance abuse. You could also stipulate that in order for her to remain in your home she must abstain from alcohol or drugs (unless she has a beer in your presence as you allow her to occasionally). If she does not refrain from these substances then there should be some type of consequence for this behavior. She needs to know that she cannot live in your home and engage in behavior that is unacceptable to you.

I would also advise you to check with the social worker or someone from the hospital to see what services are available to your family. I mentioned the service in which a nurse or a doctor could come to the home and give her an injection. There may be other services that can assist you and your sister to more effectively care for your mother.

The second option is the possibility of having to move your mother to a personal care home or a residential living facility. This, of course, would be extremely difficult for her and I’m sure for you and your sister. Nobody wants to place their family member in a personal care home or other care facility. But in some situations, such as when individuals cannot care for themselves or put themselves or others in danger, this difficult step may be necessary. Your mother is a danger to herself if she is not supervised.

I recognize that both of these options are difficult and challenging. You are dealing with a very complicated situation. I’ve worked with many families dealing with similar situations. They’re often faced with many of the same issues you’ve written about. Basically, the options with regard to dealing with these issues come down to the two I’ve presented to you.

With regard to Social Security Disability benefits, it is very common to be rejected the first time you apply. I would encourage you to hire an attorney to appeal the decision. In some states, it could take up to three years to receive a decision on an appeal. An attorney can expedite this process and increase the odds that the appeal will be granted. Generally, an attorney will not charge a fee if they don’t win the case. If your mother won the appeal the attorney would most likely only take a small portion of the Social Security Disability back benefits. I would strongly recommend you consider an attorney.

It’s clear you care about your mother and that you and your sister want do what is best for her. To the best of your ability you want to prevent this uncontrolled illness from majorly disrupting her life and yours. To accomplish this sometimes means you have to make difficult choices. It’s important to do what is best for your mother but also what is best for you and your sister. You can’t let this problem interrupt your life to the point where you can no longer hold a job or function normally because you’re constantly dealing with your mother’s problems. I am under no illusion that this is a difficult challenge but your quality of life has to matter and be a priority.

Your current living situation is unsustainable. Something needs to change. I understand the challenge of your situation and I hope that these suggestions will help you. If you have further questions please do not hesitate to contact me. I will be glad to help.

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Lack of Self Esteem and Identity

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW November 18th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I never feel good enough. My life has been unstable. I am a 16-year-old Korean teenager living in Florida. I moved to the U.S. with my mother and my sister to study when I was 7. Even though my mom told everyone she came for education, the real reason was because my parents often got into violent fights. My mother wanted to have a period of time to cool off. We were not planning to stay here for long. But after one year, my father still showed signs of violence and my parents’ relationship got worse.

My mother decided that we could not stay with my father, and that we should continue our study. Not having my father in my childhood pained me very much.

As time went on, my mom went through her undergraduate, masters, and is currently doing her PhD. My father has been supporting us for 8 years by himself in Korea. He is a lifeless person, and it pains me every second of my life knowing that it is my fault.

I learned in middle school that my parents were divorced when I was in 4th grade. The empty hole had been there since I was in 2nd grade, so it did not affect me. As time went on my mom became more abusive towards me, often screaming and physically abusing me. It would always be my fault, but sometimes I felt that she went overboard. My friends during middle school were mostly girls. Even though I was part of the “cool” crowd, I felt I didn’t belong. I was an asian that liked math, and my friends couldn’t understand that.

My father graduated from the best university in Korea on a full scholarship while being from a small village. My mother went to the second best university in Korea with a full scholarship at a time where women did not go to college. People all around me say that my parents are great people. But I see my father, lonely and depressed with the life sucked out of him; and my mother who is raising two kids by herself and struggling in America. I feel responsible for their lives; that I have to succeed to make their miserable lives mean something. Sometimes I consider suicide, but I can’t because it would all go to waste. I can’t be selfish like that when both of my parents want to do the same thing.

To make myself feel important I tried hard at everything I did. I am an all-state musician on two instruments. Recently I won a National math competition. People said I did a good job. But even after winning, I felt nothing. All I wanted was for everyone to think highly of me but I didn’t feel important. I feel lost. My citizenship status is unclear. I am split between two countries. I am split between two parents. I feel abused every day by my mother, and I hate myself for hating her. I am angry all the time, and I have no self-confidence. People say I am good looking and tall. I do not feel that way. I never feel like am good enough. Even if I win a national competition, I don’t feel good enough. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is “wrong” with you. In fact, everything is “right” with you. You are doing exceedingly well under very challenging circumstances. You’re excelling in school, particularly in math. You’ve recently won a national math competition and became an all-state musician, mastering not just one instrument but two. Please recognize these are impressive accomplishments. You should be very proud of yourself. You possess skills that many people don’t. These accomplishments prove that you’re not only musically gifted but intelligent as well.

You’re also resilient. I define resiliency as the ability to “bounce back” in the face of hardship and adversity. You’ve accomplished many remarkable feats, all while dealing with serious family and personal issues. This is a personal triumph.

You’re a child of divorced parents. It has left a hole in your heart. The difficulty associated with having divorced parents, especially at a young age, is underestimated. It’s deeply upsetting to be part of a family that splits apart. It’s doubly challenging when there’s abuse involved. Not only did you witness your father abusing your mother, you’re now enduring abuse by your mother. I’m not certain if you know this but abusing children in this country is illegal. If your mother is physically abusing you she is in violation of the law and could go to jail.

I want to be clear about the fact that none of this is your fault. If your mother abuses you, you must know that you didn’t bring it on yourself. You do not deserve to be physically harmed; no child does and that is why there are laws against it. Parents have a choice in how they treat their children. They don’t have to physically harm them but unfortunately some do. Perhaps your mother is punishing you in the manner she learned in her culture. Even so, it’s unacceptable and illegal.

You also need to know that your father’s suffering is not your fault. You are not responsible for your parents. They are responsible for you. If your parents divorced it was because they could not get along. That has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. You must stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.

You are a victim in this situation. You are faced with the unfair reality of having to live between two countries, with a mother who is struggling with personal challenges in addition to your own concerns. It’s undoubtedly a difficult time.

When school begins in the next few weeks please make an appointment with the school counselor. You need to meet with a mentor or a wise and informed adult who is trained to deal with situations like yours. You also need someone who can guide you into college and out of your current living situation. Academics or perhaps music may be your way to a better life.

If you’re feeling suicidal please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak to a counselor. Another number you should have in your possession is the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline. They can be reached at 1-800-422-4453. You can call this number and speak to someone about how your mother treats you. They can advise you about how to handle the situation.

Lastly, start giving yourself credit where it is due. You are resilient. The fact that you are able to thrive in light of a very challenging family situation, none of which is your fault, reveals a lot about your personal character and development. Resiliency is an important quality that you seem to possess. It’s a trait that has and will likely in the future carry you through difficult times.

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My Mom Is Horrid

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 27th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So, over the last eight months, my mom has been doing really bad stuff. I’ll start from the beginning. So, my mom has been sleeping around with a bunch of guys. I’m surprised she doesn’t have an STD. But anyway. She is either never home doing “school stuff,” or she is home but being mad at me. My dad is in Afghanistan serving our country right now. My mom wants to divorce him and she claims she will never get married again. The thing is, she makes me keep every little secret. You see, I’m not allowed to tell anyone, not even my grandma or my cousin. My dad calls on a daily basis and she ignores his calls all the time. But it really saddens me, because my dad is the only dad I have known. My biological father abandoned me as a baby and then my “dad” came along and that missing peice was filled. If my mom gets a divorce, I may never see him again, because he hasn’t adopted me. Back in October, I got my very first job, but it was for a haunted house so it only lasted a month. Then, my mom’s friend, we’ll call her Bob, moved into my house from just being out of jail. My mom did it out of the kindness of her heart, but my dad can’t keep supporting Bob. My dad is the only one that works. Ever since she’s gotten here, my life has turned upside down, and I’m going to fall. Bob’s kids live here and they are so loud annoying and I can’t ever do my homework. Before they moved in, I had straight a’s and now I have an “f.” But her kids are so disrespectful. They don’t care about anyone or anything. My mom spent $5k all together on everyone in my house for Christmas. Last night, it was 5:30 and dinner was almost done. My mom was gone and Bob was still there. Two of the kids asked for a snack and she said yes. I went up and told MY sibling he couldn’t have one because dinner was almost done. She started yelling at me and calling me all these names, just because i would let MY sibling have a snack. My mom is now in Vegas for the weekend. She left me with Bob aka the Wicked Witch of the West. She has been treating me like crap all day and I haven’t done anything to her. But last night, my mom, me, and Bob all sat at the table together and she let Bob completely blow up on me. Her son is really rude, too. More rude than I am, and she told me all this stuff. But if I raised my voice the slightest bit, I would get yelled at. I know life isn’t fair, but it’snot dair dor my life to do all of this to my dad and me. Before Bob moved in, I was always being bragged about and now I’m just the “little b***h.” Please help me. I don’t know what to do anymore.

Thank you for writing to us and telling us a bit about what is going on in your life. What I’d like to say is that you need to pull in the resources that you know are good. Obviously your dad would be a very good person to talk to about your needs. It sounds like he has been a good guy in the past and my guess is that he’ll be able to help you out in the future. Talk to him honestly about the stress you are feeling and get his feedback and help. Second, I would definitely talk to your high school guidance counselor. He or she may be able to help in ways that will generate more support for you as you cope with your mom’s antics.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Mom’s Unique Disease

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 15th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi. Well my mom has a very unique disease; and I am sure of it. It is unlike any other depression people have seen; she has been diagnosed as bipolar years ago but that really isn’t the case. I don’t know what to call her disorder. Her hands move according to what she says but what she says makes no sense at all. It is really really hard to explain. I have taken video of her and it can only be seen to be understood. We have tried time and time again, for years…..to get her help. But she isn’t dumb. When it came to her first psych exam, she acts completely normal. Says all the right things and is cleared. But as soon as shes home again – shes at it again at least 90% of the day. If anyone out there can help me, I can send you the video or post it up on you tube and give you a link. We don’t know how to get her help. She refuses and its making our lives miserable. She doesn’t shower – ever. She is just unique – and she is my mom and I want to help her. Please, someone help me.

Given only the symptoms that you have described, it is difficult to determine which disorder your mother may have. You mentioned that when she talks, her hands move according to what she is saying. This symptom is not a characteristic of any particular mental health disorder. I would need much more specific information regarding exactly what you mean when you describe her hands moving according to what she is saying. You also mentioned that she doesn’t shower. Again, this is a concerning symptom but it is not characteristic of any specific mental health disorder per se. Individuals who are depressed may not shower because they have a low level of energy but your overall description of your mother does not necessarily indicate depression. An individual may not shower if they are in the early phases of a psychotic episode but nothing you have written necessarily indicates that she is psychotic. You also wrote that she acts ‘normal’ in the presence of psychiatric professionals. What exactly do you mean by normal? Is she pretending or lying? Generally individuals who are experiencing genuine psychiatric symptoms can’t simply “turn it off.” It would also be interesting to know whether she showers before one of her scheduled psychiatric examinations.

This is a difficult issue because you cannot force anyone to seek help if they do not want it. Generally, the only way an individual can be forced into treatment is if they are displaying behaviors that are life-threatening. If you notice that your mother is not eating, along with not showering and displaying other disturbing symptoms you should call a local crisis team who can come in to your home and evaluate her condition. If she is unable to care for herself, then she may be admitted to the hospital even if against her will.

I would encourage you to contact local physicians or mental health professionals to ask their opinion of her symptoms. I do not believe that viewing the video is the best way to determine her diagnosis. A face-to-face interview with psychiatric professionals is the best way to proceed. You should continue to encourage your mother to be evaluated by medical and psychiatric professionals. The concern is that her odd behavior may possibly be an early sign of an untreated medical condition. Even if she continues to act “normal” in an evaluation setting, a good therapist should be able to pick up other symptoms. Also, at a doctor’s appointment you should report your concerns even if your mother is present in the room. She may become upset with you but it’s okay because it is necessary for her medical and psychiatric safety. I hope that she is able to get the help she needs. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can’t Connect With Others

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 9th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Within the last three years the following events occurred in my life in order: my mom became schizophrenic and got a divorce from my dad, I moved in with my ex boyfriend who immediately began to emotionally abuse me and physically abuse a cat which he took into our care (he was a childhood friend, we dated for five years and he was always very nonviolent so I never saw the abuse coming. I also stole the cat when I broke up with him. I treat her very well and love her a lot), my mom ran away from home after getting a diagnosis (of schizophrenia) from her psych and nobody knew where she was for two weeks (she also stopped seeing him after this), a boy stalked and blackmailed me (and would threaten to kill himself whenever I did not cooperate with him) and turned my entire class in college and even some of the professors against me… I did finish that program and I moved back home for a little while before moving back to where the college was in order to earn a postgraduate certificate. At this point I was severely depressed, socially anxious and would routinely stay up for days at a time. I also used to have extremely screwed up nightmares involving myself (often as a child) and my imaginary friend (which I made up as a child but still talk to every day. I know that he is not real), and my imaginary friend would talk to me (in my dreams while I was sleeping) about how my dad used to abuse my mom, but I didn’t really believe him at first… After awhile I asked around and found out that my dad used to cheat on my mom and emotionally abuse her constantly (especially during my early childhood), and that my mom had agoraphobia during this time. She was always depressed and is always telling extremely sad stories, and would frequently encouraged me to never marry or have children. I tried speaking to a psych at the school for awhile about how I was feeling about these events but she seemed to be kind of disgusted by me so after a couple of months I stopped going. As far as I know she never made a diagnosis besides like maybe depression. She would never talk about a possible diagnosis; perhaps she was not even in a position to do so? I don’t know.

I spent most of my free time that year locked away in my apartment alone drawing, reading and writing. In fact, it is all I do even now. Eventually (in an effort to become more social) I became involved in some humanitarian-type stuff, which turned both of the other girls in my program against me… I haven’t had any friends (that were not just hanging around because they wanted to have sex with me) since before I hit puberty, so I became even more depressed when they began to bully me. At the same time some of the professors were taking an interest in me but they frightened me very much (I have always had this thing about authority figures. I never trusted them even as a young child) so I would avoid them. One of them thought that I was interested in him sexually (when I was actually just afraid of him), and initially acted as if I was the one who wanted him (which is incorrect) but then started blowing things I did or said out of proportion and then started giving me advice which I would later discover (as I learned more about him) really would benefit him more than I. He eventually hacked into a password-protected, encrypted file that I kept on an external drive that I would routinely plug into one of the school’s workstations which contained my journal and tried to use the information within it to meet me in a place that he knew that I was going to be so that he could hook up with me (not only was he twice my age but also married with many children)… The worst part was that I nearly said yes… I was really confused and lonely, and I always got the feeling that he was as well… But in the end it just felt too horrible for me to say yes. I naively kept hoping that we could just be friends afterward (even though I have been in similar positions before and it always ended with me being alone) and became extremely upset when I realized that he would not allow it… I was angry that he could only be satisfied with the friendship when it was actually a potential relationship which he was completely in control of and felt angry that he could pretend to be so moral when he clearly was not. I did eventually try to approach him online about this but he ignored me. This was kind of the last straw for me when it came to dealing with other people. I have almost always been alone in the seven months since this occurred.

All of these events had a profound effect on me emotionally; having lost all faith in humanity, I immediately returned home after finishing school and I locked myself in my mother’s apartment for four months… I was too afraid to even go outside and thought about suicide constantly. Then my mom revealed to us that she was stealing everyone’s rent money but not using it to pay the rent. This was supposed to allow her to have an excuse to move in with her parents and distance herself from us (we were completely supporting her financially at that point but we are not as rich as they are). When she told me her plan she was absolutely giddy and told me that she did not care about what was going to happen to me. We eventually did sort it out (particularly after my grandparents told my mom that she could not stay with them and suggested that she stay in a women’s shelter), and we all still got to live together but it really messed with my head, especially since my siblings decided to get a place without me and said many bad things about me during this time. After this I told my older sister that I did not believe that I was well mentally… I asked her for help but she made fun of me and gave me the cold shoulder (and talked others into doing the same) for a couple of months. Then my older brother (who was a very dangerous and violent person for much of his life) was hit by a drunk driver and was in a coma for a month. Then my dad stole my bed while I was out one day and told me afterward that he was never going to talk to me again because his girlfriend asked him not to. I was actually starting to leave the apartment semi-frequently after the whole thing with my mom went down, mostly because the only person that I talk to regularly outside my family (who lives in another city) started inviting me over to his place occasionally, and doing that eventually got me used to everything enough to start going outside for other reasons without experiencing any fear. I go outside maybe 5/7 days of the week now and am okay with talking to clerks and salespeople, but I am still severely unconfident and anxious around people overall. When I am around new people that I think I may have to deal with regularly I become extremely emotionally strained and tense.

I have fantasies where I am a male, and I enjoy it way more than I probably should. I go back to my college days and become friends with everyone instead of being alienated by them (or alienating them) or stalked or hurt. I always blame myself when people do not want to be around me. Sometimes I actually feel angry at myself because I am female because it makes me feel like I am destined to only ever hurt other people and be hurt in return. I am an artist and when I draw pictures of myself it is always as a male. It is hard for me to draw my real self. In some ways I identify even more with this image that I have in my head than I do with my real self. I have this extremely deep fantasy world in my mind that I withdraw into when things get bad in the real world. I spend so much time daydreaming within that space that I worry that I will waste my entire life doing so.

When I am around people, especially new people, I feel as if I am entirely at their mercy, and that I have no real control over what they will do with me, and that nobody will like my real self… Sometimes I feel like no matter how much I object I will just be forced to play whatever role the people closest to me will want me to fill. I have a very good idea as to what I am like and what I stand for but I cannot shake the feeling that I can’t be that person and still have others around me. I can’t help but believe that if I am not useful then nobody will want anything to do with me, and because of that I respond to new people with great anger and fear without entirely desiring to.

My fears have prevented me from really expressing myself, starting my career or making any new/positive connections with others. I work freelance over the Internet (and have never met any of my clients face-to-face before. They know very little about me but are happy with the work that I produce) and have attempted to take a part-time job in various occupations that I actually do not care about but would involve me talking to strangers regularly (so that I can become more comfortable being around new people) but I can’t even get past the first part of the interview process without screwing it up. I have avoided looking for non-freelance jobs in the field that I have my degree in because I know I would be even more afraid if I did and that I would not be selected. I had a job in sales before I went to college and I was one of the best salespeople they had at the time, but I just can’t do it anymore. They always see my hands shake or I start studdering like crazy and they cut the interview short and then never call back.

I don’t know what to do with myself or how to move past all of this, or what exactly I have wrong with me, and I cannot afford to talk to a psych in person, so I don’t know what to do. Please help me. I’m sorry for rambling on for so long.

Please do not be sorry for “rambling.” I appreciate that you’ve provided many details regarding your situation. The more information you provide the easier it is for me to help you. It seems that you’ve had multiple traumas and stressors occur throughout your life. I am sorry you are experiencing so much anguish and distress. It must not be easy to handle so much all at once.

You wrote about being secluded in your apartment. You are unable to leave your residence because you’re too afraid to go outside. You said you think about suicide constantly. You have imaginary friends that feed you information about your parents. You have an “extremely deep fantasy world” in which you visualize yourself as a male. Furthermore, this fantasy world is a place where you revert to when “bad things” happen. You also seem to be experiencing paranoia. You wrote that you are worried about other people around you. You feel that these people may be able to control you. You feel you are at their mercy. You fear that you will be forced into acting how they want you to act. You worry that you will lose your ability to be yourself. You not only fear this will happen but when it does it makes you angry.

You not only wrote about your current symptoms but you also offered some of your mental health history. Your mother has schizophrenia. You parents are divorced and your brother was severely injured by a drunk driver. You moved in with your ex-boyfriend and he abused you and your cat. These are all very difficult life circumstances. Any one of these situations might cause an individual to be traumatized, or at the very least stressed and upset.

In addition to your complicated family situation you may have a history of paranoia. You wrote about the boy who stalked and blackmailed you. Then there was the professor who thought you were sexually interested in him and then who you believe hacked into the external drive of your computer (for reasons that you did not specify). You said that on several occasions different groups of people turned against you, one occasion was your college classmates and the professor (as a result of the boy who stalked you) and the second was the girls associated with the humanitarian efforts you were involved in. I am not saying that these events or situations did not happen. Only you know if they did. They very well may have. What I am saying is that there does seem to be a pattern of paranoia currently and historically throughout your life. That conclusion seems reasonable and tenable.

It is difficult to know what you are experiencing. My two main concerns are that (1) you have a family history of mental illness and thus may be at a greater risk for developing a disorder yourself and; (2) you are currently not stable. At this point in time you are unable to interact with others, get a job or to move on with your life. As you have correctly noted, your fears have put your life on hold.

Are you sure that you are unable to see a mental health professional about these issues? There may be a community mental health center in your local area that might be able to provide counseling services to you for free or at a very low rate. There may programs that you are unaware of in your community. I’d encourage you to check your Yellow and White pages in the phone book and look up the words “counseling,” “Psychologist” or “social services.” Please look into this. You need help to deal with these problems with the help of a mental health professional or your life may continue to remain on hold.

I’d like to add this last thought. You have no reason to believe me or trust me. I am just words on the Internet but I’d like to tell you this. You can have a happy, productive life. Every problem that you have detailed in your letter can be solved and I have seen them solved over and over again. You think that your problems are overwhelming and you are held as an inescapable prisoner by them but this is simply not the truth. Your life seems frightening and you’ve contemplated suicide, not because you are weak but because you have tried all that you know and have had no success. Do not believe the illusion that all is lost. The truth is that you can be helped back to a perfectly happy successful life-in all ways. I have seen this and in your town or city there are many therapists who have accomplished this for their clients. If you want to believe the truth, believe this. Help is outside your door and all you have to do is believe it is there and then seek it out. I hate to see someone with so much sensitivity suffering when a cure and an end to that suffering is available. Good luck and please keep me posted on your progress.

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Can I Force My Father To Seek Help?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 5th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My father seems to be suffering from some mental illness that effects my whole family. As a kid (about 4-7 years old, as early as I can remember) he’s been this way. He would hurt my mom, my brother, sister, and I. My mother divorced him after he left us and went to another state to sleep with his sister-in-law.but I now still have to live with him partially, my siblings are of legal age. I’m 13 and have to live with him for another 5 years. I may not sound 13 years old, but trust me, I am. My father and the women he left for he is now married to. He yells at her kids for no reason. I feel like he is the reason I’m depressed. My dad made my step sister’s life so bad she tried to kill herself twice. My dad is an alcoholic, and regularly smokes pot. Is there any why I can legally make him find help for himself?

I’m sorry about your very distressing situation. I believe you may be correct about your father’s behavior contributing to your depression. It is especially concerning that your father is verbally abusive to the children in the home and that your sister has tried to kill herself.

Your inquiry is difficult to answer because you have asked a legal question. I would recommend calling child protective services and asking your question. They may be able to give you a more specific answer. They may also be able to evaluate the situation and determine if it is appropriate for you and your siblings to remain in the home. Below are a few resources that you may find helpful:

  • Child Protective Services in your area: 509-363-3333
  • 24-hour crisis information and referral service: 509-838-4428 or 1-877-678-4428 (TDD: 509-624-0004).

It may be difficult to legally force your father to seek help. You cannot force someone into treatment unless they are court-ordered to attend, or they are a danger to themselves or to others. You have little or no power over your father but there are other possibilities. Is there a trusted and responsible family member that you could live with? What about your mother? Is she aware of your father’s behavior and your sister’s suicide attempts? If not, notify her immediately. It is possible that she can use this information to gain full custody. It may help her make the case that you should not live with your father.

Another idea is to notify a social worker or another person associated with the custody case about your father’s behavior. You could also discuss this matter with a teacher, guidance counselor or principal at school.

If you feel that your father is a danger to you or any other family member, please do not hesitate to call the police. They can keep you safe from harm. This may be one way to force your father to seek help. If the police come to your home because of an incident involving your father, he may be arrested and the judge may order him to attend drug and alcohol treatment. You should also call the authorities immediately if you believe that your sister may harm herself.

Please write again if you have additional questions. I wish you well. Please take care.

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What is best for my baby?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 19th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i had a daughter when i was 16, and my parents made me bring her to china so that they can take care of her while i finish school. i really did not want her to leave my side, but i knew it was best for her. she went to china when she was around 3 months old. her one year birthday is coming up (march 26th) so i came to china to visit her. today is my first day here, and i knew that she probably was not going to remember me, but it still hurts! she loves her grandma which is my mom, and her baby sitter alot.

i understand that, but it’s just that i feel so left out of her life! i wanted to bring her back to america with me, (i’m leaving in one month) but now i’m not sure if that is the best way. in america, i’ve already planned out what to do with her. i would have enough money to hire a babysiter, and my grandma (not my mom, but my mom’s mother) would be there to help me out also. I would be part time working, and i would start going to college in the summer since i’ve graduated high school already. the only problem now is that i don’t know if it’s a good idea to take her away from her baby sitter right now, and from my mom, and all these other people that she’s close to. i’m afraid it might traumatize her, since she might miss them. please give me advice on what to do!!

If I were seeing you in person, I would ask you if you could possibly stay in China and put off college for a year or two. That would give you time to bond with your baby so that she would be clear about who her mother is if you did eventually decide that it would be best to leave her with your mom while you get your schooling. Extending your visit would also give you time to think things through. I worry that the pressure of a one month visit could force a decision prematurely.

Complicating things is that it will be hard on your daughter no matter what you do. Wherever she goes she will be accompanied by the loss of someone she loves. Leave and she loses you. Take her with you and she loses the people she is closest to. On the other hand, there is love in both places to balance the loss. That gives me confidence that she will probably be okay whichever decision you make.

Luckily, computers make it easier for your daughter to stay in touch with all the people who love her. If you return to the States (with or without her), I hope you can invest in a webcam so she can maintain contact with both of her worlds.

I hope you and your family can talk about all the alternatives and make a choice that is best for everyone. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. I do encourage you to remember that no decision is irreversible. You and the family will do your best to make a good decision. But if it isn’t working for you, you can change your mind. You are only 17. You have plenty of time to be both a student and a mother to your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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No one Wants to Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 29th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi. I’m 15 and feel like I must have OCD. I have too many symptoms and I’m way too different than other teenagers. I have gone to websites and school counselors for help and they never get back to me. Its like they just don’t want to help me. My mom just thinks I’m a perfectionist. But she doesn’t understand the thoughts that go through my head. No one does.

These are the symptoms I have……. I have to be perfect, which means I will ask teachers a million questions to make sure I do it right. I have to do things the same exact way everytime, so I eat foods the same way every time, I use the same blanket arrangement every night, I use the same amount of toilet paper everytime, ect. Things like that. I’m terrified of being attacked. Everytime I enter and re enter a room I have to check closets and shower curtins for attackers. I get terrified outside in the dark. I cant handle being around a bunch of people at once. Its overwhelming. I feel like everything bad is my fault. I get paraniod that I did something that will cause my house to burn down or make everyone I love die. I picture family and friends dying because of me and I cant control those thoughts. They wont stop. Sometimes they feel so real i start to cry. Sometime I get up in the middle of the night afraid I didn’t lock the door or I left my dog outside when everthinf is fine and I’m making it up in my head.

Sometimes when something small happens that makes me upset or angry I start to think about everything I hate about myself and when I get to that point it makes me want to hurt myself. The worst ive ever done is only scratch myself or snap myself with a ponytail holder. Then after that I feel ashamed and guilty. Then I get back to loving my life. I’m a big stickler about rules and geting in trouble. I’m always thinking about possible consequences… that makes my friends angry at me sometimes.im always paraniod that my friends are going to not want to be my friends anymore.I am always checking myself for any type of deathly or fatal disease and freaking myself out. get paranoid and worried about everything and everyone. Im tired of living in stress and I want to be worry free once in a while. Please help me. I have now where else to go.

From what you wrote, it is indeed likely that you are suffering from OCD. The adults in your life may not understand how OCD works. It’s not a matter of just stopping yourself from doing the compulsions. You can’t. Doing them is what gives you relief from the thoughts. Those thoughts can be all-consuming.

School personnel sometimes don’t realize that the thoughts are so powerful they interfere with a student’s ability to concentrate and to do well. I imagine it’s hard to focus on a math lesson when all you can think about is whether you left the stove on at home, for example. Kids like you often start failing in school, not because they aren’t smart but because their thoughts are so dominated by their worries. Often they become isolated because their friends can’t understand what the big deal is.

Please take your letter and this response to your school counselor. Ask for help finding a therapist who is experienced with OCD. The good news is that it is treatable. There are medications that can bring the intensity of the thoughts down a few notches. There are things you can learn to do to manage the thoughts so they don’t interfere with your life so much. Many kids “outgrow” many elements of the OCD as their brain matures in their late teens and early 20s.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Unexplained attitude of my granddaughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 16th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been a mother for my daughter’s first born girl who she had abandoned for 17 years under various excuses. The father of my grand daughter also had left the country and no one knew where he was all these years. It has been a difficult situation for the child but we in the family have given her attention and love in abundance. Now, this year, she went to live with her mom which is good except of the fact that their relation ship is bad. My daughter is not used to looking after her and many times she has threatened the girl for sending her back to us. With no guidance my grand daughter after being an excellent student and doing her A levels has stopped her school and leads a very free life. The thing is that she has turned against me and feels very bitter. She told me that she “cannot even see my face” without becoming mad. Therefore I keep away and wait for a change. I am suffering because I love her above my own life but do not fully understand her feelings. My daughter also has always had issues with our family and I start to believe that whatever we do for her, it will always be so. My problem though is my grand daughter and would like to know if there is anything you may advise me to repair this relation.
Thank you.

I’m sure this is very, very painful for you. Perhaps I can offer a possible explanation that will help you be patient. Your granddaughter is trying to understand who she is. She has reconnected with the mother who abandoned her. Teens in this situation often feel that they have to become like their parent in order to not be abandoned again. In addition, it is the fantasy of most teenagers to be free to do what they want when they want. It isn’t healthy for them. It isn’t a good way to live. But they often have to find that out for themselves. Your granddaughter is a 17-year-old who is desperately trying to make sure her mother won’t leave her again and who mistakes neglect for freedom.

Please trust that all the years of loving her and providing for her and teaching her will eventually come to her rescue. You didn’t raise a stupid person. She’s just confused about how to be loyal to both you and to her mom. Avoid arguments with her about what she is doing. You can’t win the arguments and you might lose the girl. Just let her know that you love her and whenever she is ready you’ll be happy to have her come back. You could tell her that you fully understand why it’s important to join her mother’s life for awhile. It does make sense. But her mother’s life hasn’t been good for her mother so it may not be all that good for her either. If you say that, be sure to say it without a critical tone. Reassure her that she’ll always have your love and that you hope she’ll visit. Then just love her, love her, love her.

I know it’s hard. I understand that you are scared for her and sad about the rift in your relationship. Please have faith that you raised her well and that she will eventually come back to you. It’s more than likely that she will.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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7 yr old daughter has become out of control

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 11th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a 7 yr old daughter, a 7 yr old stepdaughter ( who I have had full custody of since she was 1) and a 2 yr old daughter. My step daughter is a doll. She has always been very well behaved, My biological 7 yr old for some reason is very defiant, very angry when she doesn’t get her way, and becomes violent with her sister at times. She fights w/ her sister anytime things dont go her way, she will reach out and hit, scream, say “I hate you”, she’s also very defiant with me. She gives me dirty looks, slams doors, talks back, yells at me, and she cries all the time over everything. It’s been going on since she was about 4. I thought I could handle it, that she was just a dificult child and eventually she will grow out of it, but it just seems to be getting worst. What makes it harder is that at the same time, she can also be the most helpful, loving, wonderful little girl when she wants to. It hurts me a lot to see her like this, and my 2 yr old looks up to her sisters and I’m afraid she’s going to end up the same way. I can’t afford therapy right now so I’m hoping anyone can give me some suggestions or new things to try. I have tried sending her to her room, taking things away, spanking her, and sitting down and talking to her about how much it hurts me, which seems to work at the time but then an hour later something else doesn’t go her way and were right back where it started. She seems to not be able to control herself, and the other major thing is she lies so much that I never believe anything she says anymore. I’m worried because lately I have been almost unable to control myself and I find myself saying really mean things you shouldn’t say to a child, and screaming very loud at her, I’m afraid if she doesn’t calm down that I might not be able to keep controlling myself. I love her so much. Please help me.

I’m so very glad you wrote. It takes courage to face it when a family is spinning out of control. I have a lot of respect for any parent who takes steps to stop the confusion and anger and find a better way to handle her children. You didn’t share with me the role your husband plays in the family. I hope you can look to him for support, especially when you feel you are in danger of losing your temper.

It sounds to me like your biological daughter perhaps doesn’t feel that she can be as good as her stepsister. In order to still have a unique place in the family, she’s become the “bad kid.” She hasn’t done this consciously. Kids find a niche for themselves by trial and error. Sometimes they get stuck in a role that even they don’t like.

Meanwhile, it doesn’t surprise me that your methods of disciplining your daughter aren’t working. In your desperation to find something that works, you keep changing your parenting style. From her point of view, she doesn’t know what you really expect. On top of that, you are now acting much like she is: screaming and being out of control. She needs the adults to be in control and to be confident about what they expect.

Theory doesn’t help you know what to do. For that you need some practical help from someone who knows your family. I suggest you check the website for Parents Anonymous (PA) to see if there is a group meeting near you. These groups are run by volunteers or by nonprofit agencies for parents who want to be better parents. Usually there is little or no fee. Ask your pediatrician or the school guidance counselor for advice on where to find a PA group or another type of parenting group that would teach you effective ways to set limits and give you the support you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Love My Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 21st, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Raised by my mother, so she was obviously always working trying to support us. There are only a few memories I have of her and none of them are pleasant. She was mean, verbally abusive and on occasion physically abusive. She always had a boyfriend around, some were abusive as well. I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity through them or on television, I was molested by her bfs daughter (I was 7 she was 13). I was constantly alone. I always watched them fight and yell. I never felt loved by her. We never hug, kiss or say I love you. I hated her for years, and now I’m just indifferent. It makes me squirm to think about her, or to get to know her, to hear about other really good mom and daughter relationships. The thought of hugging her gives me anxiety. I don’t like the sound of her voice and now when she says I love you, I hate it. I can barely stand to be around her for only a little while.

I love my grandma, she has always been kind and affectionate. My best friends mom does all the i love you’s, I’m proud of you, hugs and kisses to me. To me, she is my “should have been mom.” At first I was weirded out by the kisses, hugs were okay, but now I don’t mind them so much.

Will time heal my wounds? Therapy? Is it a lost cause to even try? Why can’t I love my mom?

Sadly, not every person gets a mother who knows how to be a mom. Yours clearly didn’t know how to protect you or love you as she should. Apparently the best she could do was to keep a roof over your head and provide for you. That’s not nothing, but it wasn’t enough. It has left you with an emotional hole you are trying to fill.

But — you have been lucky enough to have alternate mothers. Your grandmother and your friend’s mom can fill the emotional needs your mother can’t handle. In psychology, we call such people “benevolent witnesses.” They are people who provide a positive experience of a loving relationship when a parent can’t or won’t do it. They become the source of loving interest and care in the present and a beacon for how to be a good parent in the future. You have not one, but two such women in your life. This is a gift!

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to love your mom. You may be able to figure out what made it so hard for her to be a better mother. You may be able to forgive her for not doing better. You may be able to thank her for what she was able to do in spite of her own challenges. Your compassion and appreciation are the kind of love you can give her honestly.

Meanwhile, you don’t have to look far for the kind of motherly love or mother-daughter relationship you seek. You already have them in your grandmother and your friend’s mom.

I think therapy could help you feel okay about the limits of your relationship to your biological mother and would help you embrace the mothering that is available to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Panic Attacks?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 14th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Basically.. every so often I get what I think are panic attacks. For absolutely no reason what so ever, my hands will get this weird sensation like they’re just bones and then my thoughts start racing unbelievably fast. My breathing, my talking, my movements seem way too fast. The feeling is incredibly intense and terrifying.

After my thoughts start to race, I hear things like.. screaming and crying and in my head I know it’s me doing these things. It feels like I’m screaming at myself.. like hurting myself but I’m the victim at the same time. I get a lot of dejavu feelings, like flashbacks. My Mom said I used to describe these skeleton hands to her when I was younger and I only vaguely remember that.

The second or third attack was the worst.

In my head I saw what I can only describe as a witch in my brain.

She was screaming at me and she scared the crap out of me. The screaming seemed to intensify with thoughts of getting help.

I texted my friend and it automatically stopped.

It felt like my thoughts didn’t want to be known by my friend.

I kept thinking she would come back so I slept with the lights on.

My friend suggested that I try thinking about something good when these things happened so I tried to imagine my best friend Jasmine but it back fired on me. As soon as she popped up in my head, she started yelling at me.

These attacks are never triggered by anything and only last for a couple minutes but time doesn’t really matter when they happen.

I guess the only thing i can really think of with the whole “If anything of significance also recently happened in your life.” thing is that I was molested by my Dad two years ago and I was addicted to drugs at 14. I also self mutilate and am way too sexual for my own good.

I strongly recommend that you be evaluated by a medical doctor. You may be experiencing panic attacks but it’s important to rule out a medical cause. I would advise you to talk to your parents about seeing a primary care doctor or a neurologist.

You should also be evaluated by a mental health professional. A mental health professional may be helpful in determining if you’re having panic attacks. If they are panic attacks, please know that it is a very treatable condition. This condition usually requires therapy in which you learn an alternative way to cope with anxiety. Therapy focuses on giving you the psychological, emotional and behavioral tools you’ll need to combat panic and anxiety. Some people also take medication as a form of treatment. It has been found to be helpful in decreasing panic attacks.

It seems as though you have been dealing with very difficult issues. You’ve mentioned that you were molested by your father, were addicted to drugs by age 14, engage in self-mutilation and are sexually active. All these aforementioned issues could be related to why you are experiencing panic attacks, if that is in fact what is occurring. Talk to your parents about being evaluated by a medical doctor as well as seeing a mental health professional. It’s important that you make contact with medical and mental health treatment professionals as soon as possible. If you’re not sure how to speak to your parents about these issues then bring them this letter. It explains your concerns. Good luck.

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Mom Won’t Let Me Grow Up

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 30th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi , I’m in love with a boy i have known since i was 15 years of age. I am now 18 and i have never dated because i was always not allowed to .I live with my mother and two siblings and help out often. My mom is aware of the facts i like him and that me and him speak everyday. She thinks we have a nice relationship and understands i would like to be with him in the future. But she seems to have a very hard time with letting me hang out with him .

I know that i truly love him as a person and that he is trustworthy . He works two jobs, helps out is family, and really likes me and is a overall good person. I’m turning 19 in 4 months and he’s is turn 20 in 3 months. I love him and i know he feels like we have grown so much now its time to spend quality time together. My mom has me on a tight leash. i don’t know how to begin to tell her i want to be with him. I prayed about me and him every since i was younger and he has always entered back into my life. I’m very afraid of losing him ….what should i do ?

A: It sounds to me like your mother has lost sight of the fact that you are no longer her little girl. You are emerging into adulthood. That means that you are looking for love and will soon be leaving the nest to make a life on your own. Your guy sounds like an exemplary young man. Your mother should be proud and pleased that you have found someone to love who is so responsible.

It may be that your mom is afraid of losing your help. You didn’t mention a dad so I’m guessing that she is raising the three of you on her own. She may count on you more than she wants to admit. If that’s the case, part of the answer lies in figuring out what the family needs and alternative ways to get those needs met.

It’s time for you to stop being scared of talking to your mom. If you are old enough to have a relationship, you are old enough to have an adult-to-adult conversation with your her about how to prepare you and the family for the day when you will leave home. This isn’t something to have a fight about. Fighting will only confirm her idea that you are too young to take seriously as an adult.

Instead, lay out the problem and your suggested solutions as calmly and reasonably as you can. If she gets angry, resist the temptation to fight back. Simply tell her that you love her and that you know if may be hard for her to lose you to someone else. Emphasize that you have confidence that the two of you can work it out. Such conversations are often difficult and challenging but they are also part of growing up. I think you can do it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Never Feel Good Enough

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 14th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, first of all I’m going to thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m 14. I wil start off by saying that my parents are divorced. I go one week with my m an other week with my dad. When I was little my parents used to fight, Horible fights, when I close my eyes I can hear them telling at each other, other than yelling at them selves my mom used to yell at me, to the point where she went pysco. Se kicked things,pulled my hair, throw things, said things to me that still hurt when I remember them. I grew like that all the time. When my patents fought I would be in my room crying my eyes out. Time went by and my dad got tired of being in that situation so he divorced my mom, he said it was the best I was 7 at the moment.

I agreed that it was the best things to do so I don’t have to hear them fight al the time. My mom made this insane lie that she couldn’t feel part of her face because of all the stress , she blamed my dad for everything. My mom and me were renting an apartment with her cousin and it was fine, my dad had an apartment as well but by himself. My mom met this guy and they’re married now, I should be happy but I’m not.. I accepted him though. Sometimes she wanted me to go to his house to get to meet him but I didn’t want to do she went into a phyco mood and started yelling and yelling, I ddnt get why ? It was her life not mine.. When I get mad I tend to cry. I dont yell or anything I keep everything inside and cry as my way to express how I feel. I ended up going and it always was like that.

My mom always wants everything her way she doesn’t care of anyone who she stomps on to get why she wants. I was 11 at this point, my dad didn’t like the guy my mom married and he still doesnt. Me and my mom are in a fight right now she kicked me out of the house and told me horrible things and that I’m not a good daughter. I think she’s not the best mom either,

I always try to be the daughter she wants.. Im never good enough. I close my eyes and I can remember all I went through. Her words buzz around my head, I think I’m marked forever.. I’m scared of her. My dad is the only person there for me he listens to me and he’s the best person in the world. One day my mom was angrily brushing my hair pulling my hair back into a pony tail and she hit me with the brush I turned around and she tried to hit me again but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back, my mind went black, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I wasnt thinking I just reacted, I don’t even want to remember what happens after that, I keep so much inside I don’t tell anyone, I can’t trust anyone.

In school I’m smart I have good grades and I’m trying to get into a good college but I have self confidence issues and really low self esteem. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Everything is wrong with me. My mom told me I was fat. I believed it everyday I looked at te mirror and hated my self my mind was devestated. I’m putting this out here at 1:40am because as I’m laying in my bed those moment go thought my head and they hurt me, in so many ways. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is an important step in your own healing. It shows me that you know in your heart that you didn’t deserve the treatment you had from your mom when you were little and you don’t deserve it now. Now we need to help you get your head in line with your heart.

You’re just like any other kid. You want your mother to love you. You long for her approval. You hope you will find some little thing that you can do to convince her to love you as a mother should.

I’m very sorry to have to tell you that it’s unlikely you will get what you are longing for. I can’t offer you an explanation for your mother’s behavior since I don’t have enough information. But from what you say, she has never been able to put other people’s needs ahead of her own, even her own child’s. She doesn’t give you love and comfort because she can’t. If a well is dry, it can’t give you water. At some point, it only makes sense to be sad about it but to go looking for another well.

In your case, you are lucky. There really are other “wells” of love available to you. Your dad is there for you. I’m guessing your teachers also think you’re smart and promising. At 14, you’ve grown up enough to know that you can survive without your mother’s care. You do need love but you don’t need hers. It’s time to do the grieving that comes with that realization and to reach out to others for the emotional and physical support a young girl needs and deserves.

Please ask yourself why you are choosing to believe your mom over your dad. You yourself call your mom “Psycho” but then you let her opinion take over the good opinions of your dad, your teachers, and even yourself. Open your mind and your heart to the people who really do think you are quite good enough as you are. They are right. Your mother isn’t.

It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you make the shift. Giving up on your mother won’t be easy after so many years of longing. To let yourself feel good about yourself is to give up on the argument you’ve been having with your mother. You really don’t need to convince her of a thing if you can embrace the reality that you are a good, smart, insightful, and attractive person. On some level, you already know that. But it just might be helpful to have a therapist help you connect with what you know is true.

As you enter your teens, it is a good time to do this work. A strong self-esteem will help you better manage the high school social scene and relationships. Appreciating your own talents and intelligence will let you do well in school. With a foundation of self-respect, you’ll be better able to have the future you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Big Problem with In-Laws

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 27th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a big problem with dealing with my in laws. Actually, my boyfriend and me is getting along together for over 7years. There was no problem with my in laws at early years. But the problem began when I started studying abroad. Actually, my BF’ cousin, my sis in law, went to study BBA and she came back because she couldn’t study even the Foundation of Business English Class, not the Credit courses. But for me, I went to study MBA and I am OK with my studying. We went to the different countries and universities. At first I thought there was nothing concerning between my studying and hers. But unfortunately, she extremely jealous and gossiping about me in her relations. Although she is first cousin to my BF, their families lived together and they are like siblings. Especially, my BF’ mom love her like her own daughter. That’s the main point. My mother in law believe and accept whatever she and her own family said. Not only her, but also her mom hate me when I start studying abroad. She even talk and insult about my personality and character. For example, at the early months I went studying abroad, she and her family said ‘she cant study long coz she is not qualified’. But when I am ok with my studying, they said ‘she will become worse than a sexual worker and will cheat my bro cousin’ (yeah, they said even like that). But, when I am perfect with my personality, they (she and her family) said, ‘Ah! Nothing happened? Yeah. Because she is abnormal now coz she live alone without her family’. When my sis in law tried to study abroad, both and her family moved.
The main problem is that my BF’ mother believe and talked to me very very badly starts from over 1year ago.(She talked to me like a street dog). At the first time, I couldn’t even talk back a word to her because I was so surprise as we had a good relation. She did for twice but thanks for God, its a phone conversation and I drop the phone and never called her again. (But, now she pretend to be a good one whenever by boyfriend is with her and she said ‘I never said like that’ )
That jealous girl always tried to separate my BF and me with so many ways. I cant stand what they do. Coz they always talk about me badly to my BF, their relations and friends. As for me, I cant stand even a minute about that because my improving career is not like stealing her brain and her life. Hers is hers and mine is mine.
Start from there, I have been always angry with them. Like they stole my time by thinking about their nonsense gossip and insulting. Although my BF support me, I am not relieve of that. I often cried out suddenly and fight to my BF by telling about them but he never fight me back. He just say ‘Its not me Honey. Its them. Sorry for I cannot control them. But I will love you forever and will be more good to you’.
I don’t like this feeling. I had my peaceful life. I really miss my sound and peace past. I do hate them. But I also hate that feeling. I want to live without thinking them. I want to live peacefully whenever they have their family special occasions because I have to always worrying that whether they forced my BF to marry other girl (like they always do)or not and tell that how bad is my university and career and how bad is my personality.
I want to conquer them and my bad feeling. I do want to conquer them. On the other hand, I want to be in better place (education and personality)to make them more and more jealous. But this feeling drive me away and away from my peaceful life. I don’t know how to handle them and my feeling.
Please help me.

It is time to get your boyfriend involved more directly and have him deal with his family directly. He is too passive and you need more direct support from him. It is true he cannot control them, but he can explain how disappointed he is in them, how it is both disrespectful and unacceptable to treat you this way. Your accomplishments need to be a source of pride, not the target of jealousy. The only reason you have to put up with them is because of your relationship with your boyfriend. It is time for him to stand with you and support you and confront his family.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Depressed or Normal Teen Issues?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 2nd, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I may be depressed. I really don’t know. I just need help! I think I may be depressed. I’m never really happy. I’m always bored. When i’m not home I can’t wait till i’m home soo I can get on my computer.. it just feels like i’m escaping everything. I never sleep at night. I mostly sleep the day away. I never feel good enough, skinny enough and pretty enough. I often find myself comparing myself to other girls. I seek attention from older men and I always feel like i’m not good enough. I often feel like my parents love my sister more, like there always giving her all the attention. I’m really shy and don’t have many friends. I have hurt myself before nothing major but like buirsing myself. I rather be alone then be with people. I’m really close to my mom(she’s like my best friend.) but I often think about my mom dying and that scares me a lot. Even if someone says the littest thing to me it hurts. If I get yelled at I will start to cry. Even if I do the stupiest little thing like say something stupid, I’ll feel embarssed and stupid by it.

I know I went on and on but I just need to know what’s wrong with me? Maybe this is normal? I don’t know. Btw I’m 14.

Depression may be a possibility but many of your concerns are common among individuals your age. Early adolescence can be a difficult time. There are many fears. Many will wonder if they are good enough, smart enough, funny enough, attractive enough etc., and will be very concerned about what others think of them. These fears and doubts are a very common experience. It is also common to worry about losing a parent or other that you love.

Adolescent girls in particular often compare themselves to other girls. If they do not feel “good enough” they may attempt to fill that void by engaging in unhealthy behavior. You mentioned that you seek attention from older men. There are complications to consider regarding relationships with older men. They may be interested in sex and feel that sex is a part of every relationship that they enter into. It is normal to want attention and love but it is important to be careful about from whom you seek it.

You also mentioned that you harm yourself. This is an unhealthy behavior. You described purposefully bruising yourself as “nothing major” but I would disagree. If an individual is intentionally harming themselves it is a concern. It is usually a sign of significant emotional suffering. Oftentimes individuals will attempt to physically harm themselves in an attempt to decrease their emotional suffering. That strategy never works. The relief it provides is temporary. It is an ineffective and maladaptive solution. It often leads to more self-harm and possibly permanent physical damage.

I would encourage you to speak to your mother about your concerns. She needs to know about what you are experiencing. She may be able to help you. You may want to ask her if she would be willing to take you to a therapist. A therapist can help you deal with the pain and trauma of adolescence. You may want to suggest that she go with you. Since you and she are close, then she may welcome the opportunity.

Psychology Today is a directory of mental health professionals in the United States. If you type in your zip code, you can search through local therapists’ profiles to see which one you may want to make an appointment with. Try to choose a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents.

Thank you for your question.

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