Tag:

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

Worried about Forgiveness

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 15th, 2023

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I come from a family history of multigenerational parental sexual and emotional abuse as well as NPD and severe depression/anxiety issues. Keeping a healthy relationship with my both my parents takes a lot of emotional energy and requires me to sometimes be the parental figure in the situation, especially with my mother. It has required years of therapy and spiritual investment to maintain a forgiving outlook.

My husband and I have been married 2 years, together for 11, and he is a huge part of my healthy mental state. We work very hard to keep our relationship as a priority.

My husband and I tend to expect that my parents would be the difficult in laws, as his family appears to be far more “normal” than mine. However, it seems that his mother has proven to be the most difficult parental relationship.

I feel guilty because my husband has always been so understanding of my family while it has been difficult for me to be forgiving of his mother. I am worried that because I am constantly dealing with my parents’ issues that I do not have emotional space left to be understanding of his mother who can act very selfishly. I also feel guilty that I have precipitated fights between my husband and his mother. I don’t consciously try to stir up animosity, but I have a tendency to point out when my mother-in-law treats my husband badly (maybe because I am always on high alert with my parents). When my husband and I were dating, I became much more aware of how my husband resolves conflict with his mother. She pushes him around, much like all of her other relationships. She can be very manipulative and never apologizes. It is always about her. They do not fight all the time by any means, but she tends to be very “me” centric and eventually my husband gets so frustrated with her selfishness that he blows up at her. Then, the rest of the fight is spent placating her without her addressing at all how she contributed to the problem.

After her actions led to several difficult situations regarding wedding planning and the wedding itself and now recently with my husband and I purchasing our first home together, I am fed up. She never apologizes! It sounds ridiculous but I am not exaggerating. How do I deal with her?

Thank you for asking such a thoughtful and interesting question. Dynamically, you and your husband share a familiar role in your respective families. It sounds like the narcissism has been a powerful and difficult feature each of you have had to deal with each of your mothers.

I recommend that the two of you discuss your vulnerability and needs with each other on a regular basis — not just in crisis time. (Couple therapy may be found at the ‘Find Help’ tab at the top of this page if you feel you need help in doing this.) You want to continually join forces and share the difficulty in doing that with each other. Your families are the common enemy in this regard. It is difficult to forgive (and some research shows it is best not to do so too quickly) when the person has an abusive and narcissistic feature to them.

I’d also recommend Alice Miller’s classic book: Drama Of The Gifted Child. It discusses in depth the issues of growing up with a narcissistic mother.

Finally, I’d begin to pull back significantly in the frequency and intensity of contact with both families. Your future is together with your husband, not staying in orbit around the chronically self-absorbed.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

September 15, 2023 0 comment

Why Does My Mother Enjoy Scaring Animals?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 29th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I have never been able to get an answer to this. We got a family puppy when I was in the 9th grade. Our puppy was scared of being in boxes in which he couldn’t climb out. He would panic and cry for someone to get him out. My mother enjoyed putting the puppy in a box to see what he did and let him panic and cry until I couldn’t take it anymore and picked him up.

As an adult, I had a cat who liked to play in an open drawer, climbing all over to the back. One day my mom was over and saw my cat do that. Immediately, she said with an excited expression “Let’s close the drawer and see what she does.” I was shocked. Do you know what that is about? Please note my mother is narcissistic (as told to me by my therapists). But no one can tell me why she enjoyed doing this to our puppy. Thank you.

According to the Mayo Clinic, “a personality disorder is a type of mental illness in which you have trouble perceiving and relating to situations and to people — including yourself. There are many specific types of personality disorders. In general, having a personality disorder means you have a rigid and unhealthy pattern of thinking and behaving no matter what the situation. This leads to significant problems and limitations in relationships, social encounters, work and school.” People don’t always neatly fit into one or another of the personality disorders. Often there is an overlap of symptoms.

You tell me that your mother may have narcissistic personality disorder. It sounds to me like your mother also has a sadistic streak. The connection between narcissism and sadistic personality disorder has been explored in the research literature.

If a person is sadistic, it means that he or she derives gratification from punishing, harming, or abusing others. Most people don’t purposefully inflict physical and/or emotional pain on others because they have empathy for others (including animals) and a strong sense of morality. Not so the person with sadistic personality disorder.

Not everyone with narcissism also shows sadistic tendencies. Most narcissists have an inflated view of themselves, have difficulty getting along with others, and need to feel in control to feel safe. But they don’t get satisfaction from inflicting pain.

Narcissistic and sadistic people generally have low self-esteem. It is thought that both generally are the result of confusing negative to abusive experiences in early childhood that result in inferior feelings. To compensate, the person goes overboard and acts superior. In the case of sadists, one proof of superiority is the ability to inflict pain. It is unknown if there is also a biological factor that contributes to the behavior and thinking of those with personality disorders.

Engaging these people in treatment is difficult. From their point of view (since they believe themselves to be superior) any problems in relationships are the fault of the other person in the relationship. Your mother’s response is typical. She thinks what she is doing is funny. She isn’t able to empathize with the pain of the pets. She doesn’t understand why you don’t share her amusement. But, if by chance, she starts to understand that she has a role in why others are upset with her, there is treatment that has been found to be helpful. Often it includes medication and cognitive behavioral therapy.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

August 29, 2022 0 comment

Sociopathic Tendencies?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 21st, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have always been very self aware. I grew up with multiple sibling but I have always felt alone. I felt different. I feel like I am better than everyone else most of the time. Nearly all the time. I feel like I shaped my personality so that others can see me as someone who is insanely special. I want to be liked by everyone. I feel as though I do things just to be liked. I want people to think I am the sweetest person in the world and I know how to achieve that. But in all reality I do not genuinely care about most people. I am scared that I will not be able to truly love somebody. I got out of my first relationship about six months ago. It was very hard for me to let him go but only because I wanted him to want me. Sometimes I see life as a big game. I lost myself in that relationship because I felt unwanted. I have never felt that way before. I have now regained my sense of self. But now I am worried that I have sociopathic tendencies. I do not see people as objects and how they can benefit me. But I do want people to see me as perfect. I spent 6 months healing from the break up regaining my sense of self. And now that I feel fully connected to myself, I am back to this mindset. I think I got too deep in a game that I ended up losing. I knew I was different when my friend said “how can someone not feel anything when their friend lost a family member.” Anyway I fear that I will feel this way forever.

What you have described is not necessarily sociopathic. Also, it’s important to remember that the term sociopath was removed from the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual For Mental Disorders (DSM), the guidebook mental health professionals use to diagnose disorders, in the 60s. Most people who use the term sociopathic probably mean psychopathic.

Some of the things you have described might be characteristic of someone who is grandiose. Grandiosity is a characteristic of some personality disorders, including narcissistic personality disorder, among others. However, having a few characteristics of a disorder does not mean you have a disorder.

You described attempting to get people to like you or to see you in a particular way. On one hand, you feel like you are “better than everyone else… nearly all the time.” On the other, you spend a great deal time and effort attempting to get people to see you in a positive way. If you thought that you were better than everyone else, I highly doubt that you would be attempting to alter other people’s perceptions of you. Why would the opinions of people matter to you if you’ve already judged yourself as being better than them?

Perhaps, you want people to think positively about you as proof that you are good. If other people think highly of you, then perhaps you might think more highly of yourself. I do not know if that is your state of mind, but it may be. Individuals who care about the opinion of others, may be lacking in self-confidence or self-esteem. If you had self-confidence, the opinions of others would carry very little or no weight at all.

Regarding your statement about not genuinely caring about most people, I would want to know more about this in order to determine if it is a problem. It’s difficult to have feelings about generic “others.” When you don’t know someone, it’s normal to not have strong emotions about them.

In your case, you were able to love someone and have a relationship with them. It didn’t turn out to be the right relationship for you but you still felt love for that person. You mentioned that you “lost yourself.” It is not clear what you mean by that phase. In addition, I would need to know more about why you saw this as a “game that you ended up losing.” Relationships are not games. Without more information, it’s difficult for me to know why you felt the way you did.

You also mentioned your friend who made a statement about you’re not feeling anything when their friend lost a family member. Again, it’s difficult to feel emotional about someone you don’t know. It’s typically not due to psychopathy. It is usually because you did not personally know the deceased or weren’t close and thus there was no emotional connection. There were also some occasions in which the deceased had been a terrible person. Not having an emotional reaction to the death of someone you didn’t know, or someone you didn’t like or who was horrible person, is not unusual or a sign of psychopathy. It is normal and expected.

If you have concerns about your mental health, it’s always wise to consult a professional, in person. Obviously, with the coronavirus, that’s difficult at this time but many mental health professionals have moved their practices online. Some may be doing therapy over the phone. You could benefit from counseling, to examine your concerns in more depth. It would help to know if something is wrong and to acquire treatment, if necessary. It is always best to be proactive when it comes to mental health. The more emotionally stable you feel, the happier you will be. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

May 21, 2022 0 comment

I’m Afraid of the Truth, That My Mother Is a Narcissist

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 27th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear Therapist, I’m having trouble accepting that my mother is a narcissist. It has been pointed out to my a counselor before. Every time I have a conflict with her I see the traits more and more, but always still try to get emotional support from her. Throughout adulthood even and going through getting married I think she will change and be there for me and treat me like a daughter. That didn’t happen. Now I am pregnant and feeling sad and angry because she doesn’t offer to be there for me unless I come to her and she makes her problems worse and worse and her health issue a central point in her life. She says I’m not being there for her when I don’t want to baby her about her issues, but honestly I spent most of my life worrying about and tending to my mom’s feelings and health. Sometimes I think she exaggerates health issues to be the center of attention. Last month she had me convinced that she had osteoporosis, then when I felt something was fishy about it this month and asked her a bunch of questions she said “oh no it’s just osteoarthritis.” I know in the mind my mom will never really approve of me or respect me or be there for me, but my heart wont accept it. I still try time after time to be close to her and end up infuriated, super sad or crazed. Also my husband has deal with our weekly fights. How can I learn to accept that she has a mental illness?

You believe that she’s a narcissist and that may or may not be true. Her diagnosis, if available, would be somewhat irrelevant because it wouldn’t change how you should be interacting with or responding to her. Your saying that your heart won’t let you accept it is the same as saying that you are refusing to believe in reality.

Abraham Maslow, who studied the characteristics of psychologically healthy people, noticed that they accept reality for what it is, not how they wish it would be, hope it would be or fear it would be. You simply have to accept her for who she is. That is the mindset that would help you the most when dealing with your mother and the world in general. People are who they are. What is most helpful is learning new ways of responding to them.

You want her support, and she can’t or won’t give it to you. You want your mother to be different, but that is not going to happen. The sooner you can accept the truth, the less frustration and disappointment you will feel.

If you need emotional support, then you are likely going to have to look elsewhere; to other friends, family, your husband, or your counselor. Try working with your counselor to adjust your expectations of your mother and learning more appropriate and less frustrating ways of interacting with her. The latter might include spending less time with her. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 27, 2021 0 comment

I Suspect My Friend Is a Bit Sociopathic

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 14th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Croatia: In my first year of university I was a very shy insecure boy who had just started to live and study in a big city. I had just started to make friends, and as I didn’t have any male friends there was one girl I met, who became one of my first friends. She seemed likeable, funny and charming. We shared many mutual interests. Needless to say, I did favors without even thinking about it. I even fell in love with her at some point, but it wasn’t mutual and she has a boyfriend.

But then I saw her “other” side. She consistently made hurtful and cynical remarks. Of course, I thought there was something wrong with me. Not knowing how to reply to her demeaning comments, I just said “huh?” or “what?”, bewildered, and later thought about what she was trying to say. I’ve been called arrogant, overbearing, confused, socially retarded, socially awkward, socially defective. I’m not any of these things and have never been called that. One time I frowned on something, she yelled “Don’t be so full of yourself”. The other time I looked at her while she was playing smartphone games, and smiled friendly only to hear: “You will be a very poor parent.” She frequently puts me down, and sometimes even mocks me, although in a friendly way. However, she isn’t constantly mean to me – there are times when we talk normally and have fun, but her flaws far outweigh her good sides.

Some of my friends also started to realize her character, her double standards and her hypocrisy. She comments on everything, as private as it is. She has no boundaries and gossips abundantly. When I talk to her in confidence one day, my friends talk about it the next. Naturally, she never apologizes because she is always right. When I don’t agree with her, and I must, sometimes she will simply walk away, acting offended. When I tease her friendly, I suffer the consequences. I feel very sorry for her boyfriend and their manipulative relationship.

I don’t know how to put up with her behavior any more. Probably noticing I’m distancing myself from her, she found a girl friend she talks more frequently to. Nevertheless, despite my sporadic comments about her behaviour, she refuses to change it. What should I do? Is it best to walk away?

It is unlikely that this young woman will change. It is pointless to continue to try to make her understand the impact of her negative attitude and behavior. From her point of view, she is perfect and everyone else needs to conform to her standards. It’s interesting to me that the names she calls you are more properly applied to her. Maybe she knows that on some level. Maybe not. She does seem to need to feel like she’s superior in the relationship.

You don’t have to walk away literally. But for your own peace of mind, you do have to take her as she is and distance yourself from her comments. If you can’t do that, then the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to put distance between the two of you and only deal with her socially when you have to.

Please don’t criticize yourself for having befriended her at first. Often when people go to university or to a new place, they befriend whoever is available and friendly. When people are a little scared or lonely, they overlook flaws and are just grateful for company. As you got more comfortable with your new situation and began to get to know other people, you also began to see her more clearly and to rethink whether you wanted her to be your friend. This is a normal part of growing and maturing.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

July 14, 2021 0 comment

Relationship Problems

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. April 4th, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

Your opinion? My partner is contradictory and critical, but at the same time gets very upset if any of her ideas or decisions are questioned in any way. Examples: She will ridicule any book I am reading unless it is one recommended by her. If it is not a subject that interests her, especially technical books, she will describe the book as childish rubbish. The same with any TV program or film. She is an aspirational vegetarian. If I have meat and she has vegetarian she has spent the evening — while I am eating — asking how I could eat dead rotting flesh, how do I feel having caused the death of a living being just for my gratification etc. The following week she will buy, cook and eat chicken and say how tasty it is. Sex. This has now ceased. Very often she has not only rejected me, but says that I am disgusting for wanting sex, “Don’t come near me. Don’t you dare touch me”etc — almost hysterical. A couple of days later she will start crying and ask why don’t I make love to her any more, don’t I care for her? She will deny that she ever said that she did not want me near her. I thought that being nice to her would gain her trust and we would get closer. But it seems to have the opposite reaction. The nicer I am, the more awkward, contradictory and demanding she becomes. She seems to need to push me until we have a disagreement. My partner’s mother was English and her father Portuguese and she was brought up in Portugal. Her parents broke up when she was 10 and she ended up with her mother who did not spend much time with her as she had to work hard. With her job her mother was given a scholarship for her daughter to go to the local international school. My partner spent years there but never got on as her first language was not English. She felt very left out, not coming from a rich family. My partner has two older brothers and mentions her poor relationship with them when she was a child. They continually told her she was stupid and ugly. If she wore a new dress they would tease her mercilessly. I think this has had a big impact. (age 65, from United Kingdom)

To be quite honest, I am not sure why you are still in this relationship. You do not describe any positive aspects, only negative. It’s as if she is on a mission to make you feel crazy. It makes me wonder if she might have a personality disorder.

I realize that you may have left the positive aspects out of your question, focusing in on the problems, but even if she has some wonderful qualities is it enough to make the relationship worthwhile for you? I don’t know her full history but there are many people who have been teased by their brothers and who have had some adversity in their childhoods who still grow up knowing how to show respect to others.

If you choose to continue in the relationship I think it would be necessary to get some couples therapy and she might also benefit from individual therapy. However, given what you have described, I feel that you are justified in just breaking it off and finding someone who treats you with kindness and respect.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

April 4, 2021 0 comment