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New Boyfriend

What is wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 18, 2011

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Its been years since i really enjoyed..well anything. I can sit down and like doing something, tv, books, chores, walking the dog, or just going for a run. I am capable of getting up and doing it all. I do what needs to be done. I have never really had a favorite color, or favorite TV show or even a favorite thing to do. I like everything yet I like nothing. I feel indifferent about everything i do. To include work and everyday chores. I do it because i know i have to and because i have kids that are depending on me or it is my responsibility. I find myself crying over everything. I cried when i read some of the other posts because they explain some of the feelings i have that i can’t seem to explain. I cried over my kids eating breakfast and i am starting to cry over this because i feel stupid for not knowing why i constantly feel ‘not normal”. Lately i feel like i am making it all up in my head. Its like i so desperately want some one to give me an answer for everything that I am making it all up. That there is really nothing wrong with me and everyone feels like this.

Now to come full circle. With all of this inadequacy that i feel at work i wonder if its the job. I have looked at other work. But because nothing really makes me happy would leaving really benefit me. I have never known what i wanted to do and i know i could make plenty of money staying where i am being miserable or i quit and face the same problems in another career field. I am so afraid of disappointing the people at work by quitting that i would rather have been in a total wreck to where i couldn’t go any more. My memory has been failing me lately, to a point my husband wants me to be check out; I would rather have a brain tumor than face my boss and have him hold a grudge for me not being able to handle all of this (more tears).

I feel almost like the things that happened with my ex caused me to start this downward spiral. I want an answer to what is wrong but fear the answer. HELP!

I didn’t include all of your long letter because the most important part of it involves your feelings. It sounds to me like you may have been suffering from dysthymia for some time. Dysthymia is a mood disorder where the individual is chronically depressed but at a lower intensity than in a full blown depression. As you report, it can go on for years and it can make life feel endlessly gray. I don’t know if your negative experiences with the former boyfriend are at the root of it. It may be that you would feel this way even if you’d never met him. He gave you reason to be angry and sad but it’s possible he only worsened an ongoing condition. As far as the job: It’s just true that wherever you go, there you will be. Changing the job won’t change your mood. Changing location won’t either. If the man you are with is a good guy, leaving the relationship also isn’t likely to help.

Instead, you need to see a mental health counselor. Bring your letter with you. You wrote an eloquent description of what you’ve experienced and felt. Your counselor will be able to hear more details and will be able to make a more sophisticated assessment. The two of you will then discuss treatment options. Some medication may be helpful to lift your mood a little so you will have the energy and interest to take better care of yourself and to take better care of your family. Some therapy will give you both some much-needed support and some practical ways to manage your gray moods.

You made an important first step in writing. Please follow through and get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 18, 2011 0 comments

Sixteen and wondering if I am in a domestic mental/emotional abusive relationship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 26, 2011

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m sixteen. Everyone tells me this affects everything: my dad died when I was twelve. He and I had an amazing relationship, he was a great dad. Also I’m the youngest girl in my family. But right now I’m really confused about what’s going on with my boyfriend. He is also sixteen. I lost my virginity to him a year ago. I love him, and the reason I began dating him in the first place was because he was so sweet and he really, really liked me. Being with him made me feel really secure. From the start, I noticed he got frustrated and agitated VERY easily, and blew up over strange things. Lately, things have happened that I feel warning signs from. He demands my facebook and email password and literally stalks everything I do and say. I’m “not allowed” to talk to boys, add boys to my facebook, be friends or hang out with boys. My best friend (a girl) insulted him publicly on the Internet when he instigated a fight, and he told me that if I didn’t cut off all ties from her, he would kill himself. He cuts himself whenever I stand up for what I feel I am entitled to. friend boys, a relationship with my best friend. This has become gradual. It started off by me not “being allowed” to hang out with “friends he doesn’t know”. He gets angry when I go on backpacking trips or don’t want to sit in detention with him. When I read this I know I’m about to get yelled at “obviously you are sixteen and his problems aren’t your responsibility, find a new boyfriend.” but every time I do, I feel so awful that its not worth it. When he is gone from my life I feel physically sick and crushed. One time I cut my arm really badly after we got in a fight and he was ignoring me, because I really wanted to show him the next day how much he had hurt me. It made a lot of sense at the time. I’ve lost contact with most of my friends because I’m always up his ass and I’m lonely… his friends think I’m unreasonable and confrontational but I just try to stand up for myself. After he asked for my facebook password, I asked for his, and decided that if he looked at my things, I am entitled to look through his. I found messages when he referred to me as “the bitch”. He has since told me that that’s how guys are, and I wont find a guy who doesn’t use that word. Every single time something happens now, he will cut himself, snort pills, and threaten to kill himself, or repeatedly ask me if he can die or how he should kill himself. Also…I’m beginning to mimic him. His jealously makes me cautious, so I’ve started to watch him closely and feel uncomfortable when girls talk to him. I’ve threatened to run away, cut and kill myself. I never did these things before. I feel like I am being a petty teenager, but I am so lonely and confused and I used to be so social and outgoing. These days I just want to impress his friends and avoid confrontation. Also, last fall I studied abroad, and when I came back I found out he had slept with another girl three times, and lied for as long as he could about it but finally gave in. he hasn’t done anything like that since, not even close, and he is truly obsessed with me, this makes me feel like his behavior is something id prefer. Somebody who cares way too much rather than hardly any. All of the rest of the time everything is fun, we ride in my car, go to the movies, restaurants, he shows me off to everyone and treats me so well. He texts me every second of the day. But I feel cheated from life most of the time.im lonely and confused. I just want an adult to talk to.

You are brave to ask the question. I am not going to “yell” at you for being 16. This isn’t about that. This is about an abusive relationship that is likely to get worse.

What you have told me is that your boyfriend lies, bullies, threatens suicide, manipulates you, has been unfaithful, controls you, restricts your friendships, thinks selfishly about his needs rather than yours, calls you a bitch, cuts himself, and snorts pills.

At any age this would be unacceptable. It is nice you go to the movies and for rides, but any relationship at any age that involves this level of controlling behavior isn’t healthy. You can’t fix him, but you can take care of yourself.

I would talk to the counselor at your high school. You do not need your boyfriend’s permission to do this. You may also want to talk to a trusted teacher.

If you stay in the relationship you will need to change to have a voice and empowerment. If you break up, you will need the same things. Please go talk to you counselor today, and join one of our online forums here at psychcentral.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 26, 2011 0 comments

How Do I Disengage From My Ex?

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW April 17, 2011

written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I was with my ex girlfriend for a year and half. A few months before our breakup she moved a few states away and we tried to maintain a long distance relationship. I did not go with her, because I was nearly finished with college. At the time it seemed like a spur of the moment decision on her part to leave the area, but she really wanted to move out. When she was away, we talked about moving in together and other promising things about our future with one another. Ultimately, she met someone out there and left me for him. I was angry and upset and we talked about the situation at length. She said didn’t want to be with one person for the rest of her life. I told her we should stop talking and said maybe we could be friends down the line. A couple of months passed and she contacted me telling me heart felt things and insulting her own actions in regards to how we split. I was excited to hear from her, but I told her it wasn’t a good idea for us to be talking to one another being that I still had feelings and she was still with her new boyfriend. But, to my fault, I ended up contacted her a few times; sending casual “hi, what’s up?” emails. She came back home to visit for two weeks and we ended up hanging out a lot. She told me she still loved me and we were intimate and sexual with one another. Emotionally though she seemed very back and forth about me and her current boyfriend. Also she seemed guilty one moment for hanging out with me and then was alright about it the next. Obviously she is confused and giving off mixed signals, and I feel like I’m being led on. We have talked openly about the situation before but didn’t really come to a conclusion. She told me she is uncertain if she is going to continue living there or if she is going to live back in this area. Either way, I know this situation isn’t healthy for me and I should definitely disengage from it. But I don’t know what I should or shouldn’t say or if I should even say anything at all and just walk away from it. Thanks for your help.

Thanks for your email. Letting go of a past love relationship can be very difficult, especially when you felt a strong emotional and sexual attachment. I’m glad that you can see that holding on to this relationship isn’t good for you and that it’s time to take responsibility to change.

The underlying question for you to answer is why you are reaching out to and trying to engage in a relationship with a woman who moved away from you, found another boyfriend, clearly states that she doesn’t want to be with one person, and is willing to cheat on her current boyfriend with you. Are you afraid you won’t find someone else to love you? Are you trying to get her to choose you over her current boyfriend?

She isn’t the only one who’s confused and sending mixed signals. You have both sent mixed signals to each other. From what you’ve described, you aren’t far enough down the the road to “be friends” without becoming intimate, so I suggest that you set strong “no-contact” boundaries with your ex and stick with them. No contact means no contact. It’s time to start spending your time developing yourself and seeking a relationship with a woman who wants to be in a committed relationship with you, instead of holding on to an unhealthy past.

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

April 17, 2011 0 comments