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My parents don’t love me.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So I’m in the 8th grade right now and love being at school or with friends, away from home, but only because I don’t love my parents and they don’t seem to love me. Now, I do come from a very privileged family, but when I’m around my parents I’m hardly ever happy, even when they spend thousands of dollars on birthday presents or anything for me. I was in the musical last year, and my parents felt I became a worse person because of it, that I became more… feminine. It’s not my fault if I’m not who they want me to be! Sometimes they tease me for it and make fun of my love for looking nice and design (I want to be a real estate developer when I’m older) but they don’t understand that who I am is who I want to be. Sure, I’ve had my share of mistakes, but they told me I’m not allowed to be a part of the musical, I can’t do any choirs, I can’t have any female friends, I can’t have any gay friends, blah blah. They are so restrictive. Personally, I don’t think sexual orientation or gender is a defining trait, so I ignore that rule, as I do most other things. They hardly ever support me except for soccer. When I have piano recitals (almost twice a month) they never come, even when I play for the city or for significant meetings. I’ve been independent forever. That’s why I write in my journal. Anyways, my dad the other day broke my phone and called me a cocky, arrogant, snobby, bratty, girly boy. They get me a lot, but I don’t want any of it. All I wanted for Christmas was a new camera, an ipod touch, and to go to a summer camp, but instead they got me Burberry ties and shirts, cologne, jeans, the ipod, no camera, a lot of things but I specifically told them no. Now they hold that against me. There’s so much more so I’m going to sort of summarize:

They make fun of me.
They don’t want me to be who I am.
They want me to believe in a religion I don’t believe in for the next few years.
They don’t support me.
They never tell me they love me.
They always yell at me, either because they’re upset or they want me to clean.
They ALWAYS hold things against me.
They won’t let me do anything I want to do that requires a permission slip yet they don’t care enough to ask why I come home around 8 PM.
They won’t let me follow my dreams of art.

My mom is always on the computer talking away to strange guys and her sister- she never has time for me. My dad is always working and whenever he’s home he yells at me.
Last but not least, they won’t let me be happy.

Please, I’ve tried everything. I write in my journal every night, I talk to my guidance counselor; I talk to my most trusted teacher in school. I’m the odd one out in the family because my grades suck, my personality is apparently a wreck, and my parents perceive me differently than other adults. I REALLY want to go away. I want to either run away or be adopted (preferably) and my teacher, well a teacher at the school, said if I ever reach the breaking point that he would definitely take me in because he somewhat knows what I’m going through as he’s been down the road a bit and he’s the teacher I tell everything to. I can’t stay home much longer because I HATE my parents, brothers, and everyone. No matter what they do, buy me a car, talk to me, support me, I will NEVER love them. They could love me, but I won’t’ love them, and it’s not just because I’m stubborn. They just make me sick and I don’t even trust them or know who they are. Please, if someone could help me, that would be great. And my email might be up I don’t know but contact me ASAP! Thanks.

A; I am sorry you are not feeling your parents’ love. But I am very glad that you have written. I know you said your grades “suck” but I can tell you from grading thousands of college and graduate school papers that the quality of your writing for someone in 8th grade is excellent. Your clarity of thought and feeling is something that people much older than you struggle for, but that you already have. What I’m saying is that your skill already shows through. I hope you will be able to find a way to express and have your gift flourish as you enter high school.

Your journal, for now, is a good companion. But I think a discussion with the school guidance counselor is needed. He or she might be able to broker a connection to a family therapist, something that I believe is essential in this situation. Some possibilities for a connection to such a therapist are here, and here is some information on family therapy

Your parents are not acknowledging your uniqueness and talents and the pain from not being seen for who you are can feel unbearable. It can feel like growing up in an amusement park fun house. If the distorted mirrors in the house tell us we are two feet tall and ten feet wide, but we don’t feel that way, we move out into the world uncertain as to how we are truly perceived. As you develop, find people who can see the real you. You will know them by how you feel around them.

Ask the school guidance counselor to help find a way to have you and your parents in a therapy setting with someone who can help them come to an understanding about your feelings. Maybe then they can become the mirrors that can accurately reflect who their son is.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend with Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Recently I fell in love with a boy who I think has a depression. He’s 17 years old and doesn’t have any plan for the future. He doesn’t like going out neither with his friends nor me and the only thing he wants to do is to stare at one place for long time. The worst thing is that after a week that we kissed each other he decided us to be just a friends and I didn’t want this. So, I told him that he had 2 choices: 1: to broke up with each other completely 2: to be my boyfriend. Then, he told me that he could’nt make a decision and I understood he can’t leave me. So, I gave him time. But I want to help him because nothing will make him happy, sad or even angry. He did suicide for more than once but I don’t know how he is alive now!!! 2 things that I should mention 1st is that he had too much sex in his life and the 1st one was when he was 12 means he wasn’t sexually mature. The 2nd one is the fact that he has some problems among his family too. He doesn’t believe that he has a problem and he should visit a doctor. I really want you to tell me what to do in order to help him.

It is difficult to watch someone you care about suffer. It’s even more difficult when they resist getting help. It can be a helpless and frustrating feeling.

Your boyfriend may in fact have depression. The biggest concern is that he has attempted suicide twice in the past. This is a sign that he feels hopeless and lost.

The experience of depression for a teenager can be very intense. Teenagers often feel that there’s no one they can talk to and no one will understand their situation. Because of this, they are often hesitant to speak to their parents and even friends. They may shut down completely. When they feel as though there’s no solution, unfortunately, they too often come to the incorrect conclusion that death is the only answer. Perhaps it was this type of thinking that led to his past suicide attempts.

The message you want to send to your boyfriend is that there are many alternatives to suicide. You want him to know that depression is a very treatable illness. Millions of people suffer from depression and they are helped by mental health professionals. There are treatments that exist but it’s going to require action on his part. It means that he will have to agree to be seen by either a physician or a mental health professional. Stress to him not only the importance of getting help, but that treatment works.

I want to make you aware of the possibility that even if you plead with him to seek help, he may decide against it. There are a few exceptions but in most instances, you cannot force someone to seek help. The only time that you can force someone into treatment or the hospital is when they are in imminent danger of hurting themselves or someone else. That means that if a person states that they are intending to kill themselves or another individual they can be admitted to a hospital against their will. Generally this is the only time an individual can be forced into treatment.

You can also educate yourself about depression and suicide. Here is a link to depression-related information on Psych Central’s website. This may help you understand what your boyfriend is feeling. I would also suggest that you consider contacting his parents about your concerns. You should also speak to your parents about how to handle this situation. They need to know that you’re dealing with a very serious problem. As I mentioned before, the concern is that your boyfriend has a history of suicide attempts. One predictor of future suicide attempts is past suicide attempts.

Please do not feel as though this is your problem and that you have to find a solution for it. Even if you request that your boyfriend seek help, he may choose not to. That is the reality of the situation. At this point, there is little that you can do. He needs more help than you can offer. He needs to see a professional. Please speak to your parents for support and don’t deal with this situation alone. Garner as much help and support for yourself as possible and perhaps your boyfriend. Thank you for your question.

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I Have No Friends and Am Depressed

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

First of all I want to thank the therapist who is patient enough to go through the problem I am facing.I am not sure what type of disorder I am suffering from but this problem is almost killing me I am very very very very depressed and want to commit suicide because I feel it is worthless to live this type of life. I literally have no friends in my life and I have made several attempts to make friends but I never succeeded. Till the age of 10 I was fine but the trouble started after that. I have changed school and in my class no one seemed to like me. I can confidently say that I am nice person and I never did any unpardonable mistake to be ignored like that .

I have to go to school alone and come back alone. My parents always used to scold me to study well and get good grades. Even though I had high ambitions about my studies I am able to partly achieve my goals. I could have achieved more if I had real friends who can love me for what I am. My parents never cared about what I am going through as a teenager and blamed me that I am responsible for not having any friends. They never thought why I am not able to make any friends. One good character I have is I never give up very easily. So since my teenage I have been trying to make true friends like every other average Joe but all my attempts miserably failed. I feel I have been cursed to have no friends.

I have to tell about my father here. I can say that he is a coward. There was a guy who in my class who took advantage of my loneliness and started harassing me. I told my father about that guy but he never did anything to stop that guy from harassing me. I just went to classes like that for more than a year for the sake of achieving my goals. From that day I lost trust on my parents and I never believe that they are there for me. Because of this loneliness I have a very low self-esteem and I don’t have belief on me.

 I tried to analyze my situation on why I am not able to make any friends. I found that I am very innocent not sure how to behave with a person depending on their character.I behave very nicely with everyone irrespective of their age group. I don’t know how to interact with people of my age group. I try to be very polite and nice. The sad part about me is that I can’t access the character of a person and behave accordingly.

 So people treat me like a straw and people of my age group don’t find any enjoyment in my company. So no one is interested in making me as his/her friend. I tried real hard to improve my situation by analyzing people’s character but failed. I feel that it should come as we grow and it can’t be taught in school. Due to my fate I lack that basic quality to lead this life. I have stopped interacting with people because I have deep fear inside me that I will definitely fail.

As the days pass I am loosing interest on this life and want to die. I have seen a therapist in person but said I am a normal person without any problems.  As a last resort I am writing my problem in this forum hoping to get some help. Pleaseeeeeeeeee help me out!!!

Hello, and thank you for your question:

It sounds like you are having a terrible time, and you may need to go to either a social skills group or find a therapist who specializes in relationship issues. Your problem seems to stem from your relationship with your parents, and that is where we learn to form intimate, meaningful relationships with peers.

It is quite possible that you are not perceived the way that you wish. While you may be feeling snubbed by others, they may feel that they have tried to be friendly with you and misunderstood how you responded. That is not to say that it’s your fault, however.

It’s simply that we can be viewed as needy, clingy, or even demanding when we are simply desperate to make friends. Please consider going to another therapist. The one you went to probably didn’t understand where you are coming from. Be completely honest about how it feels to be rejected or abandoned and try to figure out what is really going on at the root of all of this.  I can’t diagnose over the Internet, and no one should really try. All I can say is that you are struggling to be understood and loved and need to find a professional who can help.

Please try to find a new therapist. You can find one in your area at Psychology Today.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Not Allowed to See Grandson

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I took care of our grandson up til he was two. We tried to follow all rules and routines my son and his wife had set for us, yet if the baby fussed at night they were suspicious about what we had done during the day.Though I felt hurt,but for the sake of the child,I didn’t walk out on them.Instead,We would explain and my daughter-in-law seemed accepting our apology politely,and I thought she gradually accepting us as part of the extended family.

After the child started daycare,We continued babysitting him on weekends during the summer while his parents went on long biking day trips. We had fun time almost every week. This summer they seldom called us to come over.When our grandson asked us why we don’t go playing with him? We said he should ask permission from his parents but they said no.

Right before he was starting K, his mother told me they decided to enroll him to Charter school instead. She also mentioned “maybe” we could pick him up@3 for her if she couldn’t make it from work.So we told her we found where the school is and got some free info for our use the next day. This made her flip. She obviously forgot what she had said and wrote us a bad “direct&blunt” letter to tell us we couldn’t go to this or any potential school in the future.If we don’t comply, we don’t get to see our grandson, she doesn’t need to defend her views!

I fully understand that as the child growing older,as their finance improving, they won’t need us as much. But it hurts me so bad to know that they actually mean to destroy our loving relationship with our grandson (she is consumed by jealousy). They only want to use our unconditional service at their convenience. We are in distraught. It kills me thinking about this lonely child has no siblings, he needs us for now just as his parents.(why it is a conflict of interest for her?) I don’t know how to stop his mother from bullying us, treating us as her enemy so taking her child as if he is a hostage! Please help!(sorry, this is the shortest I could!
come up with)

What a terribly painful situation. I think you are correct. Your daughter-in-law liked having the free daycare but she didn’t like the fact that you had a loving relationship with her son. How sad that she feels this is a competition. Children get different things from parents and grandparents. They benefit from having both in their lives. A loving relationship with one in no way diminishes the relationship with the other. In fact, the more we fill children up with love, the more loving they become.

I am concerned that you felt you needed to be constantly apologizing and explaining. From your description, it doesn’t sound like you had anything to apologize for. She really should have been grateful for all the help and support you were giving her. But — you can’t be the one pointing that out. She’s only likely to get defensive about it.

Sadly, there is little you can do to change her mind. If your daughter-in-law is so insecure and jealous, it is unlikely that you can have a rational discussion about it with her. All you can do is keep offering to give the young couple time off by taking their son for a weekend here and there or even for a longer vacation. If she feels she is getting something she wants, she will probably respond positively.

I sincerely hope your son will at some point be able to reassure his wife and help her understand that they are getting far more than only babysitting from your involvement. Being part of an extended family, when it is functional, is one of the best safeguards for life’s inevitable disappointments and tragedies. Love is what gets us all through.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Poor Relationship with Parents

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I love with my dad and his long term girlfriend who is practically a mother to me than my own one is. I have always felt like the relationship between me and my parents has gotten slowly worse with age and I feel like there’s this power struggle going on with my dad mainly. I don’t know if I am to blame, if there’s things I can do to improve on the relationship other than sit and just avoid any contact with him, which hasn’t worked or just bend to every rule he makes. He has this very aggressive, controlling nature, using respect as a weapon against any lack of discipline towards him. I respect his house and his rules to a degree, but he makes a lot up as he goes and uses respect, or what he calls lack of respect, for him as a way to manipulate any situation to make me feel like I’m the one in the wrong. I have grown up with the notion of respect being a two way street but also to respect your parents, however I have never respected my birth mother due to her complete lack of human empathy towards anyone other than herself. However I have always respected him, to an extent feared him and it’s been that way for years however I can no longer deal with the sheer stress of living with this and he refuses to acknowledge when he is wrong and believes I am so arrogant and stuck up when I believe I am right when standing up for myself against him. I don’t know what I can do to improve the situation. He’s a good man, he’s always looked after me and taken care of me as any parent should however he has such an aggressive, controlling attitude to everything in his life that it’s just getting to a very toxic point in our lives. However I am the one being blamed for it and not him as well, which makes me depressed and think that maybe there is something wrong with me that I just don’t realise so I really don’t know what to do in this scenario.

It would be helpful to have an objective evaluation of the situation. You may be right about your father and he might be entirely to blame. It’s also possible that you are contributing to the problems in this relationship, but without an objective third-party assessment it’s difficult to make that determination.

One solution to this problem is individual counseling. This would involve you going to see a therapist on your own. Another option is family therapy. If your father is open to it, this might be a good way to sort through these problems. Given how you described your father, he may not be open to family therapy. It wouldn’t hurt to ask. If he’s not open to it, then try individual counseling. Family therapy may be the ideal but individual counseling could help a great deal.

The good thing about counseling is that you get to meet with an experienced professional who can provide you with an objective opinion on this matter. The analysis the comes from good psychotherapy can help to clarify your situation. The therapist could also assist you in learning better ways to interact with your father. Clearly, something needs to change but without more information and further analysis, it is unclear as to how to proceed.

The bottom line is that this seems to be a power struggle. There are likely other factors involved. Understanding the power dynamics between the two of you will be important in knowing how to move forward.

One thing is certain, if you’re living with your father, it may be time to move out. You stated that you “respect his house and his rules to a degree” which made me think that you might still be living in his home. If so, your moving out could significantly improve the dynamics of your relationship. He might gain respect for you if he saw you developing more independence.

Also, the fact that you follow his rules only “to a degree” could be part of the problem. It’s not clear what those rules are and if you should be following them entirely or “to a degree.” Again, more information and analysis are necessary.

If your father is as controlling and aggressive as you have described him to be, it might be in your best interest to keep your distance. When someone’s unwilling to change, then it is you who must adapt. If your interaction with him is problematic, then it would be wise to limit the time you spend with him.

I wish that I had more specific guidance I could offer you but that’s impossible to do over the Internet. There’s a great deal of information that would need to be acquired in order to give you the most appropriate advice. That is why in-person counseling is the ideal solution to this problem. It’s the best way to acquire the necessary guidance for interacting with difficult people. It will also help to resolve the depression you’re feeling as a result of this situation. I hope that you will give it a try. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My parents are completely ridiculous

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 15 and I have family issues. My Mom said she’s gonna call a psychiatrist on me and make me stay the night in a mental hospital or something. She wants me to change schools too and go to a Christian school.
This is completely ridiculous because:
A) I’m a nice person. They call me a mean person all the time and it just lowers my self esteem. I know I’m a nice person because I care more about other people than I do myself. I wanna adopt kids from Africa, my friends and I never ever ever get into arguments, nobody at school has anything against me, I help people (like if someone drops their books in the hallway I’ll help them pick them up and or if some girl is in wheelchair I’ll hold her lunch tray or pick something up that she drops or help someone with a question and give advice to people I don’t even know). Just stuff like that. They just think I’m a mean person because I don’t act all hyper and happy and friendly around them like I am when I’m with my friends. It isn’t my fault if I don’t wanna talk about boys and music (that they don’t even know) to them. That’s just stuff I do with my friends. That’s what friends are for.
B) They say I isolate myself. Everyone needs some private time just to themselves, right? I don’t see the problem with that. It’s not like I’m doing anything wrong. And yeah I’ll admit I don’t enjoy being in the same room with them because they always find something to argue with me about.
C) Sending me to another school is flat out dumb. I love my school and I love the people there. She wants me to change because too many pregnant girls are there and too many kids who do weed are there. I mean EVERY school is gonna be like that. Christian school or not- there will always be bad people everywhere and I think a normal public school would be good for me. If she doesn’t believe me she can get me drug tested. I told her that and that STILL isn’t enough to convince her. She’s impossible to please.
D) I got a cell phone about 6 months ago and they think that’s changing me. A cell phone can’t change somebody. I think I’m at the age where I’m finding out who I am and stuff and it’s just a coincidence I just got a phone at the same time.
E) They think I’m getting too serious with my boyfriend and that he’s causing a problem when I’ve only been going out with him for 3 months and they’ve said numerous time this has been going on for 6 months.
F) They’re also saying that me being a vegetarian is wrong. That’s a personal descision and they just have to learn to accept it like accepting somebody’s religion.

They’re both Christians and so am I, I have a relationship with God and all that jazz but she says that the Bible talks about eating animals. It also says don’t kill anything. The Bible says you need to take care of your body so if I don’t get all the protein I need then I’m sinning or something. I’m skinny. So I don’t see why I need to have the exact amounts of fat and protein everyday.

G) She says I need to bring more people to church. I bring two of my friends to church every week. What more can she ask for? Like no on else will fit in the car! And you can’t MAKE someone go to church with you. It’s their choice.

Do I have a problem? Do I need a psychiatrist? Or are my parents just overreacting?

You sound like a sensible, caring teen who any parent would be proud of. So — either you aren’t seeing and sharing the whole story – or your folks have never parented a teen before and don’t know what to expect. If you are on the level, then my guess is that your parents are terrified because of all the negative things they’ve heard about the teen years. In their efforts to protect you and themselves, they are going overboard. Let’s give them credit for how much they care.

Your best friends in this situation might be your school guidance counselor and the psychiatrist your mom wants you to see. Share your letter with the counselor and see if perhaps she or he can meet with your parents to reassure them that you are a normal kid behaving in normal ways around her family. If that doesn’t do it, go ahead and see a psychiatrist. If all is as you say, the doctor will most likely support you and will tell your folks that you are all going through a normal stage.

BTW: The doctor is also liable to tell your parents that there are lots and lots of parents who would be enormously grateful if they were only arguing with their kids about how much meat they eat. (And yes, you do need protein but research the web for ways you can get what you need in the vegetable world, ok?)

You all sound to me like good people. Your parents are doing their best. You are too. I hope you can find another adult who can give all of you some support so that your folks can relax and you can go about the business of growing up.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Constant Failure

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

At the moment, I’m so mad at myself. It seems like everything I do just goes wrong and it’s bothering me and whenever I try to change a habit, I give up on myself so easily.

Right now, I can’t go back to college because I owe money and I decided to go to an expensive private which is an avoidable mistake. Yesterday, I failed my license test for the third time because I drove over the stop line, also easily avoidable. About a week ago, I had a job opportunity to assemble cell phones but due to failing my assessment test, I blew it.

Overall, there’s just this cycle of failure that constantly happens in my life and I can’t live with it. I feel like I’m not good enough because I can’t ever achieve anything I try and it just really bothers me. I’m 19 years old, never had a job before, overdependent on my mother, never had a girlfriend before and I always give up on myself when I try to change a negative habit.

I understand that there’s worse going on in the world but I can’t love myself when it seems like all I do is fail. Even as a kid, I was always the one that was bad at sports and learned how to ride his bike later.

I just don’t know what to do. Every piece of advice I’ve gotten hasn’t worked and I’m just really scared for myself. It seems like no matter how hard I try, I’m always just going to fail.

This sounds very painful. At this point, your conviction that you are going to fail is at least partly what is making you fail. When we focus on the possibility of making a mistake, it’s almost inevitable that we will do so. You need a big boost in confidence and courage so that you can start laying a foundation of successes to change your image of yourself.

Please give yourself a break. It’s not at all unusual for a 19-year-old to still be working on separation from parents, to not have a partner or to not have had a job. It’s not unusual to have a crisis of self-confidence and self-esteem at your age, either. The issue is not what has been but what you are going to do about it now.

Here are some steps you can take to make some progress.

First, you need to get more active. If you can’t find a job right away, start building a resume by volunteering. Human services never have enough help. Look into opportunities in your community and offer your services. It will give some structure to your days and a way to be useful.

Second, find people like yourself to hang with. Not everyone is an athlete. Not everyone is ready to date. Identify a cause or activity that you truly enjoy and find out where people your age are doing it. You don’t have to make instant best friends. But you do have to start hanging out with people so you can develop your social skills and start to create a support system of peers. Just working (or playing) side by side with people will help you start to feel comfortable. Some of those coworkers may evolve into friends.

Finally, understand that we rise and fall to our own expectations. If you expect to fail, you will. If you know your own strengths and play to them, you are more likely to succeed. Check out the Authentic Happiness Website at UPenn and take the Signature Strengths Questionnaire. Identify the strengths you already have. Then work with them. These are the foundation for being more successful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Stomach Pains and Eating Disorders

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been making myself throw up after every meal i eat or just not eat and ive been doing this for a few years but recently ive had some different weird physical feelings in my body (like stomch pain and a few more things like that) but ive never told anyone, do i have to tell my parents?? They would absolutly flip out. I dont think the problem is that bad and was just wondering if i just saw someone in a health clinic at school for stomach pain if that can be enough. Thanks.

Seeing a physician at your college health clinic is a place to start but it is not “enough.” I am not certain if you realize this but purposefully making yourself vomit after meals is indicative of bulimia. Refusing to eat is a sign of anorexia. Both are very serious eating disorders. I cannot say for certain whether or not you have bulimia or anorexia. Only a physician or mental health professional who interviewed you in person could make that determination.

Eating disorders are dangerous. They can have very serious medical consequences. An eating disorder may be causing your stomach problems. Unfortunately, you may be experiencing the negative consequences that an eating disorder can have on the body. Frequent vomiting can also erode your teeth and lining of your esophagus. A lack of eating not only harms your body but makes it difficult to function well or to think logically.

Based on the tone of your letter, you are minimizing the seriousness of this problem. It is serious and your body is being negatively impacted. Vomiting and depriving your body of nutrients are taking a toll on your body.

I understand that you do not want to upset your parents but it is imperative that you are evaluated by a medical professional. Your parents would likely be more upset if you kept this problem hidden and your health problems progressed. The sooner you seek treatment the better.

Your college health clinic may be able to determine the cause of your stomach pains. If they believe an eating disorder is present, they may refer you for a psychiatric evaluation and treatment. Many colleges have excellent mental health services on campus. Campus services may not be enough to treat your possible disorder. If that is the case, you will likely be referred to more appropriate services.

I hope you realize the seriousness of your situation and are willing to accept help. I don’t mean to be an alarmist but if you do have an eating disorder, it is important that you seek treatment.

Thankfully, some members of the U.S. Congress realize the seriousness of eating disorders and have sponsored a new bill called the Federal Response to Eliminate Eating Disorders (FREED) Act. More information about the bill can be found here.

There is not enough known about eating disorders but treatment is available. Eating disorders usually have little to do with food and more to do with underlying emotional problems. The treatment typically involves a combination of learning how to change your behavior and dealing with the underlying reasons for why the disorder developed.

Thank you for writing. Please consider writing back and letting me know if you were able to access help. I wish you the best of luck.

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Lack of Self Esteem and Identity

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I never feel good enough. My life has been unstable. I am a 16-year-old Korean teenager living in Florida. I moved to the U.S. with my mother and my sister to study when I was 7. Even though my mom told everyone she came for education, the real reason was because my parents often got into violent fights. My mother wanted to have a period of time to cool off. We were not planning to stay here for long. But after one year, my father still showed signs of violence and my parents’ relationship got worse.

My mother decided that we could not stay with my father, and that we should continue our study. Not having my father in my childhood pained me very much.

As time went on, my mom went through her undergraduate, masters, and is currently doing her PhD. My father has been supporting us for 8 years by himself in Korea. He is a lifeless person, and it pains me every second of my life knowing that it is my fault.

I learned in middle school that my parents were divorced when I was in 4th grade. The empty hole had been there since I was in 2nd grade, so it did not affect me. As time went on my mom became more abusive towards me, often screaming and physically abusing me. It would always be my fault, but sometimes I felt that she went overboard. My friends during middle school were mostly girls. Even though I was part of the “cool” crowd, I felt I didn’t belong. I was an asian that liked math, and my friends couldn’t understand that.

My father graduated from the best university in Korea on a full scholarship while being from a small village. My mother went to the second best university in Korea with a full scholarship at a time where women did not go to college. People all around me say that my parents are great people. But I see my father, lonely and depressed with the life sucked out of him; and my mother who is raising two kids by herself and struggling in America. I feel responsible for their lives; that I have to succeed to make their miserable lives mean something. Sometimes I consider suicide, but I can’t because it would all go to waste. I can’t be selfish like that when both of my parents want to do the same thing.

To make myself feel important I tried hard at everything I did. I am an all-state musician on two instruments. Recently I won a National math competition. People said I did a good job. But even after winning, I felt nothing. All I wanted was for everyone to think highly of me but I didn’t feel important. I feel lost. My citizenship status is unclear. I am split between two countries. I am split between two parents. I feel abused every day by my mother, and I hate myself for hating her. I am angry all the time, and I have no self-confidence. People say I am good looking and tall. I do not feel that way. I never feel like am good enough. Even if I win a national competition, I don’t feel good enough. What is wrong with me?

Nothing is “wrong” with you. In fact, everything is “right” with you. You are doing exceedingly well under very challenging circumstances. You’re excelling in school, particularly in math. You’ve recently won a national math competition and became an all-state musician, mastering not just one instrument but two. Please recognize these are impressive accomplishments. You should be very proud of yourself. You possess skills that many people don’t. These accomplishments prove that you’re not only musically gifted but intelligent as well.

You’re also resilient. I define resiliency as the ability to “bounce back” in the face of hardship and adversity. You’ve accomplished many remarkable feats, all while dealing with serious family and personal issues. This is a personal triumph.

You’re a child of divorced parents. It has left a hole in your heart. The difficulty associated with having divorced parents, especially at a young age, is underestimated. It’s deeply upsetting to be part of a family that splits apart. It’s doubly challenging when there’s abuse involved. Not only did you witness your father abusing your mother, you’re now enduring abuse by your mother. I’m not certain if you know this but abusing children in this country is illegal. If your mother is physically abusing you she is in violation of the law and could go to jail.

I want to be clear about the fact that none of this is your fault. If your mother abuses you, you must know that you didn’t bring it on yourself. You do not deserve to be physically harmed; no child does and that is why there are laws against it. Parents have a choice in how they treat their children. They don’t have to physically harm them but unfortunately some do. Perhaps your mother is punishing you in the manner she learned in her culture. Even so, it’s unacceptable and illegal.

You also need to know that your father’s suffering is not your fault. You are not responsible for your parents. They are responsible for you. If your parents divorced it was because they could not get along. That has everything to do with them and nothing to do with you. You must stop blaming yourself for things that are not your fault.

You are a victim in this situation. You are faced with the unfair reality of having to live between two countries, with a mother who is struggling with personal challenges in addition to your own concerns. It’s undoubtedly a difficult time.

When school begins in the next few weeks please make an appointment with the school counselor. You need to meet with a mentor or a wise and informed adult who is trained to deal with situations like yours. You also need someone who can guide you into college and out of your current living situation. Academics or perhaps music may be your way to a better life.

If you’re feeling suicidal please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 and speak to a counselor. Another number you should have in your possession is the Childhelp National Abuse Hotline. They can be reached at 1-800-422-4453. You can call this number and speak to someone about how your mother treats you. They can advise you about how to handle the situation.

Lastly, start giving yourself credit where it is due. You are resilient. The fact that you are able to thrive in light of a very challenging family situation, none of which is your fault, reveals a lot about your personal character and development. Resiliency is an important quality that you seem to possess. It’s a trait that has and will likely in the future carry you through difficult times.

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Shaking of Hands and Pretending To Be Someone Else

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a 23 male veterinary student. I grew up with great parents in a wealthy neighborhood and was given and continue to be given everything I need in life. I am very social, have tons of friends and am able to fully function in everyday life. I have been trying to figure out what is wrong with me for a few weeks now, mainly because my problem is interfering with my life more and more. I have never discussed this issue with anyone, not even my doctor. Since I have been in second grade, in private, I have the urge to shake my hands in the air. While shaking my hands i am going through day to day life situations of another person. I have a house, furniture, kids etc all pretending to be this other person. I can only pretend while shaking my hands. I used to only be able to do this in private, but now, if I shake a pencil in my hand, I can pretend as well, which I do in class, while in public etc. I have no idea why I do this, I dont even think I want to be the person I am pretending/daydreaming about while doing this. Any ideas?

Two possibilities come to mind: you may be experiencing a state of disassociation or there may be a neurological explanation. Disassociation is characterized by a loss of the connection of an individual’s thoughts, memories or their sense of identity. People can experience disassociation on a continuum. For example, a minor to mild case of disassociation may be experienced when a person becomes “lost” in a book or a movie. This is a common experience that many people can relate to. A more severe and concerning level of disassociation may occur when an individual begins to believe that they are someone else and has difficulty “coming back to” who they are. It’s also concerning if an individual has difficulty deciphering reality and finds themselves increasingly living in a fantasy world.

I also mentioned above the possibility of a neurological disorder. It is important that you rule out a possible medical cause. My advice is to make an appointment with your primary care doctor, speak to him or her about your symptoms and ask to be referred to a neurologist. Neurologists are essentially brain doctors. Brains are their specialty. I would highly recommend that you be examined by a neurologist to be certain that nothing medical is causing the shaking of your hands and the accompanying disassociation. Seeing a neurologist to rule out a medical cause is the best place to start.

It would also be advisable that you speak to a professional therapist about this issue. You can do this while you’re undergoing medical testing or after a medical cause has been ruled out. I suggest professional counseling because as I mentioned above, this problem may be an issue of disassociation. If you choose to see a therapist, then you’ll want to choose one who specializes in dissociative disorders. I’m not suggesting nor could I know if you have a dissociative disorder, but if you are experiencing disassociation then it’s helpful to have someone who’s specifically trained to treat those types of issues.

It is important that you take action and be evaluated by both a neurologist and a mental health professional. The obvious concern is that you may have a medical condition that needs to be treated. As you noted in your letter, it does seem that this problem is increasing. I hope you will take my advice and be evaluated. Thank you for your question. Good luck.

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I need to help my brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: i dont know how to start and to tell u the truth im a little pessimistic now.im 22 my brother is 25 and he is diagnost with bipolar syndrom.but the problem nothing we do is helping,he dont get out of his room,hes afraid to do that,when hes out he thinks that evrybody’s pointing at him so he will get mad and start to yell,hes often saying that he hears voices or that somebody is whispering in his ear,he often wakes up scared or have bad dream.at one point he was very dangerous,5 years ago he used to scream indoors ,throw things in the house,threat me and my parents,he even started working with bad sporits,but now thank to god hes not doing it anymore.hes been to therapits,psychatrists,psychologs but no one seems to know what he has,they can all diagnos and give him pills.Well the pills helped to be calm and relaxed,but didnt help him to move on with his life,or let him think to have a job,ahd get a life.HES afraid to do that,and hes even not happy about it ,he wants help but i dont think were being able to do that,although my parents did their best and still doing it.,this last doc is going to give him seraquel,and hes even treating him with neadles…but till now no change,hes only been with him for like a 3 months maybe.MY brother needs help.We tried everyone,priests,elders,psycholigists,psychyatrits,,,, and still no use.HES 25 years old ,when is he going to h ave a normal life.he doesnt have a job,hes depending pn my parents till when,,,??? in shi condition he cant work.,I dont know if writting here is going to help me but franctly im kinda hoping u can help me even though im in the other way of the world.PLEASE HELP

Your brother is a lucky man to have a family that loves him and wants so much to help him. You already know that your brother is seriously mentally ill. He probably does need the medications that his psychiatrist is prescribing. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about the services available in your country. All I can tell you is what I would suggest to someone in the U.S. and hope that it is somewhat useful to you.

My first concern would be whether your brother is accurately telling his psychiatrist about how he behaves and what he feels. If he will let you, I suggest you accompany him to his appointments and ask that you be allowed to share your observations with his doctor for at least part of his session. The remainder of the session is for his private conversation with the doctor. I also suggest that you and your family start some family therapy or get involved in a support group for family members of people with severe and persistent mental illness. Having a family member who is so ill is very, very stressful on any family. A therapist or a support group will give you all both support and some practical advice for how to handle your brother so his illness doesn’t tear up your family. A family therapist may want to include him in some of your sessions together to help him accept your help.

Finally, I don’t know if there are any community services available in your country for people like your brother. At least in some parts of the U.S., there are staffed group residences and work programs that serve those with severe mental illness. When someone doesn’t respond optimally to treatment, such programs can at least give the person a home, meaningful work, and the “safety net” of staff who make sure they get to their appointments and live a reasonably safe life.

I’m very sorry that I can’t be more specifically helpful. Perhaps your brother’s psychiatrist can give you and your family some guidance about what services are available in your own country.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Frequent Tussles With Myself

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I grew up in a fairly strict religeous society. People always looking down on one another, shunning, sinning, like any other place. I found my niche in high school to be the black sheep, so to speak. I set myself up to look like I was nothing but trouble. The point I was trying to prove was that I was a good kid, and those around me were all wrong. I had this mindset that everybody was wrong long enough for me to have it installed in to my personality. Some how, my parents thought I was just depressed, so they took me to a psychologist who said I was just that. I thought I just needed a little attention. At least I had someone to listen to me ramble. I had developed some outstanding values for myself. They didn’t always go with everyone else’s, so I’ve always had a difficult time with relationships. Where I am at now, people think I’m an innocent kid. Back home, I’m a home wrecker and a heart breaker. Then along comes this girl (it’s always a girl, isn’t it?). She turns my world inside out. Out of nowhere I drop everything just to be a good, religeous guy. It’s like I never left church. Then, slowly, I creep back to my old self. Then I wrestle with my thoughts. Am I right to live with that free, open mind, or am I right to live strictly by the book? When looking from either perspective, nothing sounds glamorous. I had a direction in life, now I just don’t know. I was a very calm person, but now I’m snapping at people. I’ve said some things to people that are completely out of character. I’m not strong enough to overcome my old self, but the other side has a constant pull on me. I have had hours-long conversations with myself, debating the pros and cons of either direction and I’m still at a stand-still. Some days I think I have split personality disorder, some days I’m perfectly fine. help.

The goal for everyone should be to become who they truly are. It would be psychologically detrimental to pretend to be someone you were not or to act in a manner that was inconsistent with your core beliefs and values.

Abraham Maslow, a humanistic psychologist, studied the characteristics of self-actualized individuals. Self-actualization is a process by which an individual is able to reach their fullest human potential; that is, to become who they truly are meant to be. Abraham Maslow found that very few individuals ever reach their full potential.

In one of his books Maslow details the characteristics of self-actualized individuals. He writes that “the average normal, well-adjusted person often has not the slightest idea of what he is, of what he wants, of what his own opinions are.” That is because people tend to accept the ideas and opinions of their culture. It is also not uncommon for individuals to adopt the same beliefs as their parents. Adopting the thinking of their culture and of their parents robs an individual of independent thought.

It may be difficult to know what you want or believe because you were raised in a strictly religious society. Presumably a strictly religious society tries to ensure that all of its members adhere to a certain way of thinking and behaving. Unfortunately, this tends to produce individuals who do not think for themselves and instead rely upon what the religious society defines as right and wrong.

You probably do not have a “split personality disorder.” You are most likely struggling to find what it is that you believe and to ascertain what your values, thoughts and opinions are. As unpleasant as this process may feel it may actually be a positive development. It may be a sign that you’re thinking independently about what it is you believe and I would always encourage this. That is exactly what you should be doing and it seems as if you are. If this is the case I’d say you are on the right track.

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A hole in my soul?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It’s horrible, but I don’t know how else to ask anyone about it. When I was younger my mother used to masturbate (with a vibrator) in the bed beside me and I just lay there until I was like 12 and I realized exactly what was happening. Then for like a month we would take naps and I would pretend not to notice and just felt frozen and tried to leave a few times but she would make me stay…finally we had a fight and I went to my own bed… I said it was b/c the fan was too loud. So, so freaking gross and I saw it and it just makes me sick. Also my dad messed with me a little when I was small …like 6 or 7. Anyways, I’m a girl and I’m 28 now and I am a bulimic cutter in a rocky marriage, no addictions but a little OCD about school (I’m in a grad program)…lately I’m coming to think that I might just really be broken and there is a hole in my soul that cannot be filled.

I don’t think therapy is an option because every time I even imagine opening up to someone in person about this stuff I want to barf (no offense to anyone in the business, it’s b/c of my own issues) and I just have a certain feelings that no one could love me as much as I need and maybe Prozac would be best or something to take the edge off.

So my questions are…what could be the side effects of having weird uncomfortable sexual happenings involving your mother and father (right now I do not like sex very much), and when someone feels a deep, relentless pain way down in their heart, isn’t it better to try and numb it, because it will never go away and at some point you just have to accept it?

I am sorry you had to endure this type of treatment from your parents. You are not broken, but you have been hurt by people who were supposed to care for you. You have already taken a HUGE first step by bringing your concerns here, and to begin talking about this.

The inappropriate boundaries and sexual abuse were clearly not okay, and the kinds of symptoms you are describing, bulimia, cutting, OCD, and not being able to enjoy sex, are consistent with people who have had similar experiences. For information on this you may want to look on sites like this one.

Others have also experienced similar betrayals from caregivers, which means you are not alone, and it also means there are many treatment options available to you. Therapists, particularly ones familiar dealing with trauma, will know the course this path can take and how to treat these symptoms. Here is a list you can peruse. But, since you are in graduate school, I would reach out to the counseling department at your university. Most college campuses are very well equipped to deal with the issues. If it is too uncomfortable to start talking about your parents, you can simply begin by talking about the bulimia and relationship issues. Then, when and if you are ready, you can talk more about the earlier abuse. If a face to face with a therapist is too difficult you can use an online service.

The pain you feel is likely to be coming from the healthy place inside you that knows something is off. That is the purpose of pain, to awaken us to the need for changes to make us whole again. Numbing isn’t what you want, but learning strategies on coping and evolving through this is. An antidepressant may be something that could help, but you’ll want to talk about this with your therapist. He or she is likely to be able to refer you to someone for a medical opinion.

You have already demonstrated a tremendous degree of resilience. At 28 you are in graduate school and have shown a good deal of insight into your issues and their origin. Bringing your concerns to a therapist at this point is the next best step.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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What is best for my baby?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i had a daughter when i was 16, and my parents made me bring her to china so that they can take care of her while i finish school. i really did not want her to leave my side, but i knew it was best for her. she went to china when she was around 3 months old. her one year birthday is coming up (march 26th) so i came to china to visit her. today is my first day here, and i knew that she probably was not going to remember me, but it still hurts! she loves her grandma which is my mom, and her baby sitter alot.

i understand that, but it’s just that i feel so left out of her life! i wanted to bring her back to america with me, (i’m leaving in one month) but now i’m not sure if that is the best way. in america, i’ve already planned out what to do with her. i would have enough money to hire a babysiter, and my grandma (not my mom, but my mom’s mother) would be there to help me out also. I would be part time working, and i would start going to college in the summer since i’ve graduated high school already. the only problem now is that i don’t know if it’s a good idea to take her away from her baby sitter right now, and from my mom, and all these other people that she’s close to. i’m afraid it might traumatize her, since she might miss them. please give me advice on what to do!!

If I were seeing you in person, I would ask you if you could possibly stay in China and put off college for a year or two. That would give you time to bond with your baby so that she would be clear about who her mother is if you did eventually decide that it would be best to leave her with your mom while you get your schooling. Extending your visit would also give you time to think things through. I worry that the pressure of a one month visit could force a decision prematurely.

Complicating things is that it will be hard on your daughter no matter what you do. Wherever she goes she will be accompanied by the loss of someone she loves. Leave and she loses you. Take her with you and she loses the people she is closest to. On the other hand, there is love in both places to balance the loss. That gives me confidence that she will probably be okay whichever decision you make.

Luckily, computers make it easier for your daughter to stay in touch with all the people who love her. If you return to the States (with or without her), I hope you can invest in a webcam so she can maintain contact with both of her worlds.

I hope you and your family can talk about all the alternatives and make a choice that is best for everyone. Unfortunately, there are no easy answers. I do encourage you to remember that no decision is irreversible. You and the family will do your best to make a good decision. But if it isn’t working for you, you can change your mind. You are only 17. You have plenty of time to be both a student and a mother to your child.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Feels unwanted and depressed

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

alright i lost my mother when i was a year and a half and my step mom has been in my life since i was 2. well recently my parents have split up and i went with my dad to live with him and he got into a fight with his new girlfriend. He choked me and threw me down so i left and went and hid at the econo lodge. The next day my dad left and got sent to jail for DUI and petty larceny and his girlfriend took me back to my mom’s hous. My mom and i dont have the strongest realationship. but yesterday my dad came back to and now it seems like she doesnt want me anymore and i really dont wanna go back to my dads.

I just feel like there is no point in life anymore. i’m not suicidal or anything but i’ve tried everything – guidance counselors, social services, talking to an adult – Nothing works and i just feel depressed and worthless all the time and i dont know what to do about it

I know. It’s hard to feel worthwhile when the people who are supposed to love you are so wrapped up in themselves and their own problems that they can’t be there for you. Sadly, not everyone gets the family they deserve. It might help you to know that there are lots of kids in similar predicaments.

Take some pointers from other teens I’ve worked with: They get involved in sports or clubs at school so they can stay at school most of the day. They get jobs – both to keep away from home and to have some money so they can buy clothes and food and entertainment without asking for things from the adults. They get to know the family of a good friend or two and become “part of the family” – often hanging out there instead of at their own homes. They find summer jobs at sleepaway camps so they have a place to be for the summer where they can do something worthwhile and not have to worry about where they are going to live. They turn to god and find the kind of parent there that they don’t find at home. They study hard and get good grades so they can apply for scholarships for college. Going to college gives you another 4 years to grow up and to get an education without worrying about where you’re going to live.

You’re only 15 so it’s unrealistic to think you can strike out on your own at this point. You do need a place to call home, to eat, and to sleep. But you don’t have to spend a lot of time there. If whoever you end up with – your mom or stepmom or dad – really doesn’t want you around, don’t be. If you work on making a life for yourself and treat your good friends and adult helpers as “family,” you’ll be okay. Someday you’ll get to make a family of your own. Then you can finally have the family you’ve always wanted.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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He won’t introduce me to his kids

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

We’ve been together over 3 yrs, very serious, he lives with me (I pay all bills as he pays for his ex-wife + all bills in the home she lives in with his 3 kids) Ages 16, 12 (girls) + 10(boy)-their bdays are coming up this summer. He was separated for at least a year when we met but went through a difficult divorce “battling over issues” so that took awhile to complete but he finally did last year.

He wanted me to meet the kids much earlier when I thought we should wait…then the divorce got rough + we both thought it best to wait….now is now. Divorce done deal, he still sincerely speaks of our future + his being with me forever….but no involvement with the kids.

Any night he sees them, I don’t see him. + Vice versa. He sees them Mon + Wed nights after work+school + gets home between 10:30 + 11 depending on how late he feels he needs to stay with them (oh, at the home his ex lives at w/them–she leaves Mon +Wed + comes home approx 9pm + goes into her rm til he leaves). He also picks them up Fri evenings and sleeps over his parents with them (only the 2 younger ones)+ drops them off Sat about 4pm then he comes home (to me/us)….. I could go on with details I think may be pertinent…..but i feel like there is enough info here to be able to tell me something…like, how nuts am I + how if he hasn’t called any of the therapists he said he looked into, he never will….+ as long as this totally works for him, why would he change it?

HELP, need some GOOD advice. (All my friends + OUR mutual friends think i should leave/give up….he’s a great guy, great dad but he has some serious kid issues…he doesn’t give them boundries + lets them make the decisions,,,,can’t say no)~

I read a similar letter from June 06 where a gal left their apt every his kids came to see him there…some differences, clearly, in our stories. Any advice??

As you said, this works for him. Why would he change it? It seems he feels guilty about the divorce and is keeping things as unchanged for his kids as he can. He’s also trying to make up for it by being more like a buddy than a parent. I’m sure he genuinely loves his kids. I’m reasonably sure he also loves you. But on some level, he’s not coming to grips with his new reality and isn’t able to help the kids make the adjustment either. Meanwhile, you participate in the situation by paying all the bills and accepting the way he is structuring his life.

I’m not going to tell you to leave him. I don’t know enough about him. I do suggest you make an appointment with a therapist who specializes in divorced and restructured families. Go by yourself a few times to lay the groundwork. Then invite your partner to join you. The two of you need to work together to figure out the role you will have in the children’s lives and how he can be a supportive father while they adjust to the entire situation. Ideally, you will also develop at least a courteous and respectful relationship with his ex. After all, you will be co-parenting the children as they move back and forth between your homes. If your partner won’t join you in the project, you’ll have the information you need to decide what you need to do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What’s wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i can’t go to a doctor because of my parents and i feel horrible! i need help! WHATS WRONG WITh ME!?! i don’t know wat to do! i feel horrible all the time! i cry all the time! WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?! my feelings are completely not normal…whats going on?

well, i’m a teenager..suffering from alot of pain. my parents mentally and emotionally abuse me and sometimes physically. it kills me inside to know that they don’t really care too much. and they don’t support me. i don’t really or haven’t heard them say i love you in about 2 years.they yell, scream, swear, and sometimes hit me. i don’t know what to do but just sit there and let it all happen. i can’t call the police on them cuz when they got done being in trouble they would just be the same…its happened before. i try to please them but watever i do i just can’t please them…i’m not good enough for them. i have a brother and a sister and they seem to be just perfect for them. i mean they love me…THEY HAVE TO DON”T THEY? i mean they are my parents…its their job right?

well, enough about them…at school people make fun of me. i’m not so popular but i don’t really care…i mean i can’t stand what they say about me and stuff but i would never wanna be like them. the things they say and do are just horrible. they push me down, call me mean names, and talk behind my back…i can’t stand it…and i try to ignore it but i can’t…

i feel so terrible. its like there is this empty, hollow feeling inside me. i cry all the time! i don’t know wat to do…i have tried to commit suicide 2 times now….and its like this monster or something has taken over me and i can’t gain the strength to win the battle……and when the suicides didn’t kill me…i was really mad…i just want to die!!

with saying that, i have to vent someway don’t i? well, i am a victim of self-harm. i cut myself all the time! and i mean all the time! i can’t help it though. i LOVE IT! i mean i know its bad but i can’t stop! and i just cut everywhere and any where….

sometimes i can resist though. it depends if i am able to dance. well, i forgot to mention this but i’m a dancer! i dance at the best studio in town. and i love it! its my passion…and whenver i getta dance i feel unstoppable and incredible all the stupid feelings go away. i mean i feel awesome when i dance…but when i stop dancing it all goes back to the way it was…sad and depressing…and lonely. i mean i love to write too. when i am sad and can’t dance and am to tired to get up and cut i just write poems. i write poems about the way i feel. its fun..i like it alot …but then again its like dancing once i stop it goes back to the way it was…

I NEED HELP!
i don’t know wat is wrong with me?
please help me! i really want to know wat is wrong wit me!
i dont’ know how much longer i can really last…

Thank you so much for writing. You do need help. But the first step to getting help is asking for it. You took that step. Now let’s see what we can do to make things a bit better.

The answer to your question is that you are being bullied both at home and at school. There isn’t enough good stuff going into your “emotional bank.” The only time deposits are being made is when you dance and when you write. That’s a real good thing, though, because the dancing is so powerful for you and writing poems helps you express your feelings. Both activities give you places where you feel good and feel good about yourself.

I’m truly sorry your parents treat you so differently from the way they treat your brother and sister. I don’t have enough information to understand it. I’m very, very sorry to hear that calling the police only made things worse. Since that avenue seems closed to you, we need to figure out other ways to get you the help you need.

First, please understand that you are not alone. I get many, many letters every year from kids who feel like the outcast in their own families. Not everyone gets the family they want and deserve. When that happens, we of course try to make things a bit better inside the family but we also need to create a community of loving support outside the family. Families can be made as well as born. You can make an alternative family for yourself that will give you the kind of support and caring you need.

The dance studio is a place to start. It’s a place where there are already people who share your interests. There are probably people there who admire what you can do. Do everything you can to be a friendly and helpful person there. Volunteer to help out with the classes for little kids and to staff the desk. Help the younger and less skilled kids. Collaborate with the people who are on your level. If there is a dance company, work hard to be good enough as a dancer and nice enough as a person that you will be a welcome addition to the troupe. You might even eventually be able to be an assistant teacher.

In addition, you might be able to find a writers’ group where you could share your poetry with other people and where you could learn more about the craft of writing. Other sensitive people who write are also potential friends.

Meanwhile, work on being your own best friend. You are being hurt enough by other people. It isn’t helpful for you to be hurting you too. Although suicide attempts and cutting may give you a great distraction, it isn’t changing anything and it is giving you scars that will be a problem for a dancer. Cutting is addictive because the endorphin burst that happens when you do it makes you feel better for a little while. However, you can get the same endorphin burst from ten minutes of fast dancing or a run around the block.

I do think that having a counselor who is your own person to talk to would also be helpful. A counselor can give you needed support and also some practical advice about how to change things at school and at home. In many towns, there are free counseling programs for adolescents. See if your school counselor can help you find someone and find a way to pay for it.

If you get so down that you are thinking about suicide or cutting again, please call one of the following numbers. There are counselors available 24/7 to talk with kids just like you who are going through hard times. They are there to help.

Boys Town National Hotline: (800) 448-3000 (Yes – they talk with girls too!)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

You made an important first step by writing to us. Now please follow through and try out some of these suggestions. You’re worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed and Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am depressed, lonely and feel unable to reach out for friends. I have a history of depression from my teenage years that was treated with medication. I am 23 and have quickly sunk into a depression. My mother has been dealing for a few months with cancer and she has always been my rock, but now she has no attention to give to me and naturally everybody else in my family is focusing on her as well.

I had lost my job and dropped out of this semester of grad school because i felt too overwhelmed to handle class and work and my mother… I also have been living 60 miles away from my friends and have no friends where i live.

So I am lonely as can be, far from the few people that might offer me love. I have not told my parents that I lost my job or that I am so sad, all because i feel guilty taking attention way form my mother or making her feel bad. Last week I was so sad that I just started crying on the sidewalk as my roommate was talking to me.

I have had nobody to share my pain with and it’s so hard to reach out. I have been staying in bed till noon and watching TV all day, just trying to hide from the world.
I am so depressed. I need help. What do I do?

I’m sorry you’re dealing with a difficult situation. Having a close relative with cancer has to be difficult, especially when that person served as your main support. I know that you don’t want to ask for help and support but that is exactly what you need at this time.

You assume that you’d be a burden on your family but I doubt that would be the case. It’s not uncommon for people with depression to feel like they are a bother to other people. If you reached out to your family and told them about your depression there is a good chance they’d respond in a supportive way. You may even find that they are also having a tough time trying to cope with your mother’s diagnosis. You could lean on each other.

Even though there is a good chance your family would be supportive of you if they knew about your depression I think it would be helpful if you sought additional supports outside the family. The additional support could either be a support group or an individual counselor. Both might be necessary. The reason I am suggesting that you find support outside of your immediate family and friends is that it may be difficult for them to give you the full attention that you may need at this time. Also you described having fairly serious symptoms of depression. Your friends and family may be able to offer you some support and that is good. But given the extent of your depression (i.e. you’ve already quit school, are struggling with work and spend half the day in bed) there support alone may not be enough. Your depression symptoms may require professional treatment.

There are many great support groups for individuals who have family members with cancer. Some of the support groups are web-based. There are also many in-person support groups that allow you to interact with others who have relatives with cancer. Both may be helpful to you. A list of possible online and group supports can be found here.

It makes sense that you would be having difficulty at this point in time. Your mother was diagnosed with cancer. You lost your main support system and in turn, you’re finding it difficult to function day to day. I know it is a challenge but try to reach out for help from support groups and/or a mental health professional. You need to do this not only for yourself but for your mother who most likely needs you to be her “rock” while she is battling cancer. Be there for yourself and be there for your mother. You can’t appropriately assist your mother until you help yourself. Don’t give up and please consider outside help for this very difficult life circumstance. You need and deserve the help.

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7 yr old daughter has become out of control

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a 7 yr old daughter, a 7 yr old stepdaughter ( who I have had full custody of since she was 1) and a 2 yr old daughter. My step daughter is a doll. She has always been very well behaved, My biological 7 yr old for some reason is very defiant, very angry when she doesn’t get her way, and becomes violent with her sister at times. She fights w/ her sister anytime things dont go her way, she will reach out and hit, scream, say “I hate you”, she’s also very defiant with me. She gives me dirty looks, slams doors, talks back, yells at me, and she cries all the time over everything. It’s been going on since she was about 4. I thought I could handle it, that she was just a dificult child and eventually she will grow out of it, but it just seems to be getting worst. What makes it harder is that at the same time, she can also be the most helpful, loving, wonderful little girl when she wants to. It hurts me a lot to see her like this, and my 2 yr old looks up to her sisters and I’m afraid she’s going to end up the same way. I can’t afford therapy right now so I’m hoping anyone can give me some suggestions or new things to try. I have tried sending her to her room, taking things away, spanking her, and sitting down and talking to her about how much it hurts me, which seems to work at the time but then an hour later something else doesn’t go her way and were right back where it started. She seems to not be able to control herself, and the other major thing is she lies so much that I never believe anything she says anymore. I’m worried because lately I have been almost unable to control myself and I find myself saying really mean things you shouldn’t say to a child, and screaming very loud at her, I’m afraid if she doesn’t calm down that I might not be able to keep controlling myself. I love her so much. Please help me.

I’m so very glad you wrote. It takes courage to face it when a family is spinning out of control. I have a lot of respect for any parent who takes steps to stop the confusion and anger and find a better way to handle her children. You didn’t share with me the role your husband plays in the family. I hope you can look to him for support, especially when you feel you are in danger of losing your temper.

It sounds to me like your biological daughter perhaps doesn’t feel that she can be as good as her stepsister. In order to still have a unique place in the family, she’s become the “bad kid.” She hasn’t done this consciously. Kids find a niche for themselves by trial and error. Sometimes they get stuck in a role that even they don’t like.

Meanwhile, it doesn’t surprise me that your methods of disciplining your daughter aren’t working. In your desperation to find something that works, you keep changing your parenting style. From her point of view, she doesn’t know what you really expect. On top of that, you are now acting much like she is: screaming and being out of control. She needs the adults to be in control and to be confident about what they expect.

Theory doesn’t help you know what to do. For that you need some practical help from someone who knows your family. I suggest you check the website for Parents Anonymous (PA) to see if there is a group meeting near you. These groups are run by volunteers or by nonprofit agencies for parents who want to be better parents. Usually there is little or no fee. Ask your pediatrician or the school guidance counselor for advice on where to find a PA group or another type of parenting group that would teach you effective ways to set limits and give you the support you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Refuses to Talk to My Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in the U.S.: I’m 23 and I recently moved back home with my parents so I could spend a year saving up to go to grad school. I have lived out of the house permanently for 5 years before coming back this year. In the house is myself, my parents and my two younger brothers (16 and 19).

My father is someone who gets very stuck in his ways and is always working. He owns his own business so he is a very busy man. I guess you could say he’s stubborn. This can come off very rude and condescending to someone who does not know him. Lately he has decided not to speak with my mother who is a stay at home mom.

We are not sure what (or if) she did to set this off, but every time she tries to speak to him he ignores her and usually walks away, where as with me he will listen and speak. This is not something that my mom just informed me of it is something that I’ve been witnessing every day for the past couple of weeks.

She doesn’t seem to be letting it affect her, but it is really affecting me. I feel like the middle man in their relationship and like I’m walking on eggshells around them. It’s not a great or healthy environment to be in, especially when I’m so used to being out of the house and living independently.

I do work full time so I have that escape, but I feel so tense when I’m home that I just don’t even want to be here. I feel terrible for my mom that she’s going through this without knowing why, and I just want to talk to my dad and let him know how it’s making me feel and how it’s most likely making her feel as well. I just don’t know how to handle this stress. I keep crying at night because it hurts to see my parents in this place in their relationship when I always thought they were perfectly fine.

What do I do?

Thank you for writing. As difficult as it may seem, what you should do is mind your own business. You are living at your parents’ home to save money, not to be an in-house therapist. Your parents are going through a rough spot. You can share your concern in a loving way once, but then it’s up to them to figure it out. You are not in the middle of their relationship unless you put yourself there. In fact, if you try to be a counselor, you may unintentionally reduce their motivation to work with each other.

My guess is that they both know why they are distant with each other. Maybe they think that if they don’t talk about it, it will blow over. Maybe they’ve been through this kind of situation before. Your mom seems to have a strategy for managing (not letting it affect her). Your dad may be also engaging in a strategy he’s used before. They haven’t yet decided if they want to get into some couples therapy to deal with whatever it is. They may not think it’s necessary or they may not be ready.

My best advice to you is to go about your own business and leave their relationship to them. You are sharing their home but you don’t really live there. You’ve been an adult on your own too long for that. Maintain a normal loving relationship with each of them but don’t talk about what is going on between them. Go to work. Go out with friends. Help out with household chores, of course, but work on maintaining an independent life even while you are dependent on your folks for a place to live for awhile.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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