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Family feud

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

About a year and a half ago my husbands sister held a baptism for their daughter without inviting us. Prior to this we were feeling like they really did not want to put any effort into having a relationship with us and our kids. There is a 3 hour distance between us. This is my husbands only sister. We visisted them when their daughter was born and I specifically told my sister in law to tell me when the baptism was and expressed that we wanted to be there. My husband and I are very good about traveling to attend all family functions.

i would say over about an 8 year period my sister in law has visited us 3 times and we have visited them at least twice a year.An it is always us that say Hey we are coming your way(we do see my husbands parents too becasue they are 30 min away).

Her argument was that she planned the christening in a “rush” and felt like it would have been a bother to us to come. I spoke to her on the phone and told her that her brother was really hurt and that she was going to need to talk to him becuase He was really upset. About a month or two later she wrote a letter basically saying (of course my interpretation) “Get over it” you are acting ridiculous it was my kid’s baptism and that is what I did and it was unintentional.

My husband did not respond to her letter and they have not spoken since. My in laws have told my husband he should be calling her but my husband is taking this stance that if she wants to work this out she needs to put forth the effort.

I was invited to a baby shower that i knew my sister in law was going to be at. I sent her quick email saying “i do not want you to be uncomfortable at your cousins shower let’s just be there and have fun and celebrate the special occasions. At this shower she gave me the “cold shoulder” she was casually cordial to me but despite my efforts to interact was quite cold. That made me mad.

So now, a family function is coming up and of course stirring up emotions because she will be there and it is going to be uncomfortable. My husband is saying things that he is going to do and it seems rather vindictive. My daughter is making her first communion in May and she is the godmother. 3 months ago we both agreed she would be invited and now he(my husband) is considering not invitng her or only inviting her to the church and then at some point he talked about retracting her as the godmother. He knows that he is wrong and being vindictive and realizes that is not a good place to be in. I am not sure what to do, my husband I know will not budge yet I know he really wants things to be different.

We have had problems like this in the past and we have always been the ones to “take the high road and let bygones be bygones to be honest I think we are just sick of it.I would appreciate any advice you can give to this situation. I know if my sister in law put forth the effort my husband would try and work things out. His argument is she never goes out of her way to make things go right and since it has been a year and half and she really has not done anything to hear him out then it just proves that she really does not want a relationship.

What a sad development. I understand that your husband has dug in and thinks he is right to be so angry but I’d like to offer another way to look at this situation. Different people simply have differing amounts of energy to put into relationships when they have young children. Of course, I may be wrong. You know your sister-in-law and I don’t. But often enough when I dig a little deeper in situations like this, I generally find one of two things. Either the offending person is simply overwhelmed but embarrassed to admit it or, another possibility, the two sides have differing expectations of the relationship but have never talked it out.

In this case, your sister-in-law did make an effort to respond to your complaint but her letter (following the christening) wasn’t what you expected. She was cordial to you at the shower but you wanted something more. She responds to your visits but you want her to also initiate them. From her point of view, it may seem that no matter what she does, it’s not enough to satisfy her brother and you.

Ideally, it would be wonderful if your husband could talk to his sister without judgment, accusations, or anger. Instead, he could talk to her about his heartfelt wish for your two families to know each other better and to raise your collective children as cousins who know each other well and care about each other. He could ask her if she shares that wish and, if so, what she needs to make it happen. That kind of conversation would open things up instead of shutting them down.

You invited your sister-in-law to be your daughter’s godmother for good reasons. Those reasons have probably not changed. It would be a mistake to disrupt the relationship between your daughter and her aunt. It would definitely make things much, much worse. I hope you will try talking things out instead.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Abusive Mother

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My dad was very physically abusive towards both my mother and me while I was growing up. He hit me, threw me against a wall, etc. I don’t think he ever was towards my two younger sisters. My mother was very emotionally abusive towards me during this time, again I don’t think she was towards my sisters. I married and left 15 years ago. I always thought that our not getting along was my fault, I was a bad daughter, etc. About 6 years ago my youngest sister (about 23 then), who was still living with my parents, had an episode where she ran away from home and ended up in a psych ward overnight. The doctor who saw her said she might be schizophrenic but she hasn’t had any more episodes and my mother said the doctor she saw afterwards said it was a misdiagnosis and she’s fine now. However her personality changed and is now very insecure (she used to be a social butterfly), still lives with my parents and won’t do anything that might upset them. About two years ago my husband and I decided to move closer to my parents and go into business with them. I still thought that we would be able to patch things up since I was now a grownup and could “behave” better.

After the first couple of months though, my mother once more became very emotionally abusive towards me and I decided then that it probably wasn’t my fault all those years ago and that I didn’t want to put up with her mistreatment anymore. Specially since I felt myself becoming just as abusive towards my children every time her and I had a fight. I tried to keep a familial relationship with her even though we weren’t working together anymore but she just kept picking on me and insulting me even when my kids were present so I opted for not visiting her and not having her over at all. This resulted in my being very calm and serene and I know I am better able to parent my children now. My husband however kept working with them because all our money is invested in that business, which she controls in its entirety. We were naive back when we started and never imagined it would come to this. Things went along fine, she would complain and cry to my husband about how I was mistreating her by refusing to see her, laying on the guilt. At first my husband and I had big problems over this because he felt that family is important and she is my mother after all, I shouldn’t treat her this way, etc. I was finally able to convince him that right now, our family: him, me and our two kids; is more important and that I needed this space to be able to function properly. He didn’t understand it, he didn’t agree with it but he was able to respect it and give me the support I needed by telling her that when he’s over at the office it’s a work relationship and to please not discuss me with him. Part of the reason he didn’t understand it is that he never got to see that other side of my mother, he only saw the nice side, the side where she’s all smiles and she wants only the best for me.

From what my husband told me over the months I could notice my mother was getting more and more frustrated by her inability to control me. Four days ago she exploded. They were at the office and she started on about how I was depriving the kids from seeing their grandmother, etc. Before I go further I want to clarify that I never did that. I told my children that they are free to call their grandma on the phone and go over to her house whenever they felt like it and if she had ever called and asked for them I would have put them on, she never did. During this time while I haven’t spoken to her, my children have gone over to her house, driven by dad, they have spent the night over there on several occassions, etc. Most of those times initiated by my children themselves. Actually 5 days ago, my dad came by my house and asked if he could take them to breakfast which he did. She could have gone with them, I don’t know why she didn’t, I don’t know where she was and I didn’t ask. The thruth is that she could have seen them a lot more if she had only wanted to. I think her complaint was only to lay the guilt on my husband and get him to intercede for her with me. My husband refused to do that and she went berserk. She attacked him physically, she insulted him, called him names, scratched him and hit him. The left side of his chest and arm are covered in bruises and scratches. She tore into shreds the shirt he was wearing. My husband came home feeling scared and very very sad because of this incident. While I am very sad that this happened to him I also feel a bit relieved because I have been saying for years that my mother wasn’t a good person to me and not having anyone believe me to the point where I even started thinking I might have imagined it all. Now he knows, which means I wasn’t crazy. But this puts us in a very awful position because our livelihood lays with her. I still don’t know what to do about that. But my question to you has to do with my sister. As I said, she is still living with them (she’s 29) and is now very emotionally dependent on my mother. Over the years I have seen her thoughts get in synch with my mother’s to the point where I don’t think she can have an opinion by herself. My mother is a very manipulative and controlling person and for some reason my sister has been very impresionable. I worry about her now being there stuck in my mother’s web but I can’t just go in and save her, she probably wouldn’t even let me but side with my mother instead. I’ve been doing a lot of reading and I think that my mother might have borderline personality disorder and that her being so overbearing was what drove my sister to that lone “crazy” incident. I should say that over the years my mother has been controlling the doctors my sister goes to and the medicine they prescribe to the point where she puts it in my sister’s mouth herself. You might think my sister can’t take care of herself from what I’m saying but that’s just not so. She drives, she works, she goes to the movies, the only thing is that whenever she says anything she either checks with my mother to make sure she aproves or says something exactly like my mother would have said it. My middle sister also left home as soon as she could and now works and lives halfway around the country. She comes to visit twice a year and everything’s very amicable for those weeks. Needless to say, my sisters and I don’t have much of a relationship. We’re civil, we’re cordial, we’re just not friends, we don’t call each other to talk or any of those things that sisters seem to do. When we were kids my mother would pit us against each other, say things to compare us, etc. Even the last fight I ever had with my middle sister I remember my mother standing there watching us with a half smile on her face. I think that she enjoys the discord. My husband talked to my father and told him about my mother’s attack, my dad only said that that’s the way my mother is and we should try harder not to upset her so there’s no help there. Weird as it might seem though I wish there could be a way for us all to be a family. Is there anything that I can do? I know I can’t force my mother into therapy, I can’t swoop in and take my sister away, I can’t even protect my husband from my mother’s attacks. What can I do?

There may be no “easy” way to deal with your family situation. Your sister seems loyal to your mother. Even if being loyal to your mother means that her quality of life is severely compromised there may be nothing that you can do to change this. As you said your sister does everything your mother says. She’s under your mother’s control. Your sister cannot make a decision without consulting her. You cannot speak to your sister without your mother being present. Maybe your sister will eventually come to realize the damage your mother may be causing her but she may have to come to this understanding on her own. This process may take days, months or years. Be prepared for the possibility that your sister never comes to this realization. You can be there for your sister in case she ever needs support or advice but for now you might have to accept the relationship between your mother and your sister as it stands.

I know that you wish your family’s situation would improve. It’s unclear whether or not they can change. Your mother seems to have many mental health issues. This may make it impossible for the family to be fully functional and cohesive. Your father excuses her behavior probably because it’s easier for him to believe that “is the way she is.” There may be many other family dynamics at play as well that were not described in your letter.

Another major concern is that you and your husband own a business with your mother. As you said, your “livelihood” is dependent on her. This is an untenable position to be in. In the near future it would be wise to explore how you can cut ties with your mother and this business. I do not mean that you should sell your business but you need to find a way to regain control over your financial life. You do not want to be inextricably reliant on your unstable mother for your income. You need to protect yourself, your husband and your two children from your mother’s instability. I would suggest contacting a lawyer regarding this business matter.

As I mentioned in the previous paragraph you may not be able to change your family situation. Your sister may always be reliant on your mother. Your father might always make excuses for your mother. Your mother may never change her behavior towards you or other family members. Unfortunately you may never have the type of family you desire. You have to deal with the “hand you’re dealt.” In order words, you have to deal with the reality of your family situation.

You may not be able to change your family but you can learn new ways to deal with them. It’s important to learn how to protect yourself, especially from your mother. For instance you cannot change your mother but you can change the way you react to her. It’s important for you to learn not to give into her, how to handle her when she makes unreasonable demands, how to place boundaries on what you will and will not do for her, what you will tolerate from her, and so forth. If you need coaching on how to deal with your mother then I would suggest therapy. A good therapist can advise you about more constructive ways to handle her and the rest of your family. Your husband might benefit from counseling as well.

It’s not going to be easy to change how you deal with your family but you can if you try. I should also warn you that if you change the way you react to your mother she’s probably not going to like it. It seems like she has always had control over much of what you do and how you think. If you begin to change the way the two of you interact she might feel like it’s a threat to her control over you. It’s a complicated situation and that’s why you should consider seeing a therapist about this matter. It’s time that you take control of your own life. Therapy can help with this.

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Confused and Scared

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Help me please!
Hi, i think i have loads of disorders and theres something really wrong with me but i dont know what. I have been and still am bulemic im 14, 5ft 6, 120 lbs and UK size 6. see i am fat as. I really hate being this fat and cant eat in front of people im sick whenever i eat and hate everything.

But im also really loud, i can never stop talking loudly as when its quiet i get really scared and paranoid, i repeat stuff several times and always seem to have something i need to tell anyone. I have to repeat stuff several times and end up isolating myself as i hate being on my own so much.

I have thought bout suicide loads but at the moment cant bring myself to do it . Please help tell me what i have or how i can stop. Thank you.

Thank you very, very much for writing. You certainly do have lots of troubles. I can’t tell you for sure what exactly is wrong since I don’t have enough information. I do hear that you are unhappy and confused and scared and way too concerned about being fat. That’s enough for me to know that you are trying to handle far too much.

You didn’t mention whether you have told your parents or if you are in any kind of treatment. If at all possible, you should involve your folks. You need support and love to get through this. If you don’t have parents or if you don’t have parents who are helpful, please find another adult to talk to who can help you find the right kind of help.

If you are not seeing a counselor, it’s time you did. Look for a counselor who specializes in working with teens. If you’re already in counseling but it isn’t working, think about whether you are giving your counselor a chance. Have you shared everything that you told me? Are you thinking hard about what you talk about together? If you are doing your best and you still don’t think your counselor is right for you, ask to transfer to someone else. Feeling that your counselor can understand and help you is important if therapy is to be successful.

Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and suicidal, there is a helpline in the UK you can contact called ChildLine. You can talk to the people at ChildLine about anything at any time. No problem is too big or too small.

Here’s a section from their website:
If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can call ChildLine.
Some of the things that people phone about are feeling lonely or unloved, worries about their future, problems about school, bullying, drugs, pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, physical and sexual abuse, running away and concerns about parents, brothers, sisters and friends, and crimes against them.

Whatever your worry, large or small, we’re here to offer advice and support. When you are ready. Call ChildLine on 0800 1111.

Please take steps to take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Becoming My Abusive Mother?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have for a long time believed my mother to be emotionally abusive. Recently after a fight with her, I began to google general characteristics of emotionlly abusive/narcissistic mothers, to reassure myself but I found several things that reminded me of my relationship with my 6-year-old little sister.

I often tell her, and myself, that I only want the best for her and that I want her to have the life I never had. I often buy her candies and toys because I feel like my parents give her even less attention than they did for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been telling her that I can’t buy certain things because they are too expensive. To reassert my point, I sometimes say things like “You don’t need that” or “You don’t really want that.”

I’m afraid that I’m manipulating my sister like my mother manipulates me. I’m also afraid that I am developing NPD because while I worry about spending too much money on her, I seem to have no problem spending money on myself, especially after a period of depression. I also noticed that I tend to give my sister my old things instead of buying new things and I’ve read that narcissists’ overly self-centered personalities cause them to give hand-me-downs to others and new things to themselves.

I like to think that I am being a good sister, but I’m afraid I’m just lying to my sister and myself. I just want to know how I can tell if my sister is affected by my recent behavior or not and how I can help her if she is.

With 12 years difference between you and your little sister, you are an important adult in her life. My guess is that she has always looked up to you. So, yes, how you behave towards her does affect her. Because you are so much older, you are a role model as well as a sister.

You are asking very, very good questions. At 18, you are at the age where you are sorting through your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You are trying out being generous and being selfish; being self-critical and self-forgiving; being manipulative and being indulgent. Although you could decide to be narcissistic, you have had the experience of being treated poorly by a narcissist so I don’t think you’ll go that route. But it is a choice. By looking clearly at what you are doing, you are taking an essential step in the right direction.

It’s wonderful that you buy your little sister treats but she doesn’t need those things as much as she needs your loving attention. A few minutes reading to her most nights or coloring with her or just chatting and snuggling will put more into her emotional bank than any candy bar ever could. How you give her your things matters more than the fact that they are old or new. Little sisters love to get jewelry and scarfs and things from big sisters when they feel they are being given something special that connects them to their hero.

Keep it positive. Give her attention and encouragement. You’ll find you get as much as you give from the relationship. It’s pretty wonderful to be seen as special through the eyes of a child. Meanwhile, keep asking those good questions and making good decisions for yourself. Your relationship with your sister is important for the two of you and it’s also important as a rehearsal for how you will be in realationships in general.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Never Feel Good Enough

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, first of all I’m going to thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m 14. I wil start off by saying that my parents are divorced. I go one week with my m an other week with my dad. When I was little my parents used to fight, Horible fights, when I close my eyes I can hear them telling at each other, other than yelling at them selves my mom used to yell at me, to the point where she went pysco. Se kicked things,pulled my hair, throw things, said things to me that still hurt when I remember them. I grew like that all the time. When my patents fought I would be in my room crying my eyes out. Time went by and my dad got tired of being in that situation so he divorced my mom, he said it was the best I was 7 at the moment.

I agreed that it was the best things to do so I don’t have to hear them fight al the time. My mom made this insane lie that she couldn’t feel part of her face because of all the stress , she blamed my dad for everything. My mom and me were renting an apartment with her cousin and it was fine, my dad had an apartment as well but by himself. My mom met this guy and they’re married now, I should be happy but I’m not.. I accepted him though. Sometimes she wanted me to go to his house to get to meet him but I didn’t want to do she went into a phyco mood and started yelling and yelling, I ddnt get why ? It was her life not mine.. When I get mad I tend to cry. I dont yell or anything I keep everything inside and cry as my way to express how I feel. I ended up going and it always was like that.

My mom always wants everything her way she doesn’t care of anyone who she stomps on to get why she wants. I was 11 at this point, my dad didn’t like the guy my mom married and he still doesnt. Me and my mom are in a fight right now she kicked me out of the house and told me horrible things and that I’m not a good daughter. I think she’s not the best mom either,

I always try to be the daughter she wants.. Im never good enough. I close my eyes and I can remember all I went through. Her words buzz around my head, I think I’m marked forever.. I’m scared of her. My dad is the only person there for me he listens to me and he’s the best person in the world. One day my mom was angrily brushing my hair pulling my hair back into a pony tail and she hit me with the brush I turned around and she tried to hit me again but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back, my mind went black, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I wasnt thinking I just reacted, I don’t even want to remember what happens after that, I keep so much inside I don’t tell anyone, I can’t trust anyone.

In school I’m smart I have good grades and I’m trying to get into a good college but I have self confidence issues and really low self esteem. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Everything is wrong with me. My mom told me I was fat. I believed it everyday I looked at te mirror and hated my self my mind was devestated. I’m putting this out here at 1:40am because as I’m laying in my bed those moment go thought my head and they hurt me, in so many ways. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is an important step in your own healing. It shows me that you know in your heart that you didn’t deserve the treatment you had from your mom when you were little and you don’t deserve it now. Now we need to help you get your head in line with your heart.

You’re just like any other kid. You want your mother to love you. You long for her approval. You hope you will find some little thing that you can do to convince her to love you as a mother should.

I’m very sorry to have to tell you that it’s unlikely you will get what you are longing for. I can’t offer you an explanation for your mother’s behavior since I don’t have enough information. But from what you say, she has never been able to put other people’s needs ahead of her own, even her own child’s. She doesn’t give you love and comfort because she can’t. If a well is dry, it can’t give you water. At some point, it only makes sense to be sad about it but to go looking for another well.

In your case, you are lucky. There really are other “wells” of love available to you. Your dad is there for you. I’m guessing your teachers also think you’re smart and promising. At 14, you’ve grown up enough to know that you can survive without your mother’s care. You do need love but you don’t need hers. It’s time to do the grieving that comes with that realization and to reach out to others for the emotional and physical support a young girl needs and deserves.

Please ask yourself why you are choosing to believe your mom over your dad. You yourself call your mom “Psycho” but then you let her opinion take over the good opinions of your dad, your teachers, and even yourself. Open your mind and your heart to the people who really do think you are quite good enough as you are. They are right. Your mother isn’t.

It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you make the shift. Giving up on your mother won’t be easy after so many years of longing. To let yourself feel good about yourself is to give up on the argument you’ve been having with your mother. You really don’t need to convince her of a thing if you can embrace the reality that you are a good, smart, insightful, and attractive person. On some level, you already know that. But it just might be helpful to have a therapist help you connect with what you know is true.

As you enter your teens, it is a good time to do this work. A strong self-esteem will help you better manage the high school social scene and relationships. Appreciating your own talents and intelligence will let you do well in school. With a foundation of self-respect, you’ll be better able to have the future you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Shy, Awkward Teen Wants Help

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I need help. 🙁 I’m 18 and I have several problems going on in my life. I am a shy (male) senior student in high school unsure of my plans of what to do in college and how to get a scholarship in the art world. What is holding me back is lack of self-confidence. I’m not the person that I want to be. I have attempted many times to be outgoing, but as always come off socially awkward. Sometimes I fear of what people may think of me. I am sometimes unable to understand what people are saying to me. I don’t have any close friends, just aquaintances that I talk every now and then at school. No one ever calls me on the phone. My mood can strangely change in a single school day. At one time, I am depressed. Another time, I am laughing for no absolute reason to myself during a class session.

I become so angry when my dad tries to point out my problems with me lacking a driver’s license at the age of 18. I always fail to communicate my feelings based on his criticism. My social skills are terrible. It takes me forever to answer a simple question. I do not make eye contact most of the time, I stare at the ground. I hate myself for getting so bent out of shape when someone is trying to help me with my issues.

Another problem I like to share is that I am unaware of a environment filled with groups of people. As I’m sitting at a resturant, I am afraid to look around at times. Whenever I walk, I look straight forward without turning my head. Even when me and my sister went to Chick-Fil-A, I walked straight passed her on the way out the door, without realizing she was right there. And I thought she was already in the car ready to go.

People look at me funny whenever I go to public places. My parents point out I am not aware of my facial expressions. I often look in the mirror to help fix this problem.

That is all I have to share.

If you do not reply back, thank you for at least taking your time out and reading this. Thank you, Psych Central. 🙂

Hi. Thanks so much for writing and asking for help. That’s the first important step in making change. Bear in mind, please, that I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But what you are describing is consistent with the experiences of a person with Aspergers Syndrome. People with Aspergers are socially awkward, have trouble making eye contact and tend to be concerned with a narrow range of interests. Often they find the stimulation of large groups of people or a noisy environment overwhelming. Intelligence ranges from very, very smart to intellectually disabled. Since you’ve made it to senior year in spite of your issues, I suspect you are on the very, very smart end of the continuum.

If I’m right, the most important thing I want you to know is that being an Aspie (an affectionate term for people with the syndrome) isn’t the end of the world. Many of my best friends and some of my family members are Aspies. I think they would all tell you that there are some challenges they’ve had to work hard to overcome but their ability to focus on what they really love makes it worth it to them. By the way: Many tell me they have spent hours in front of a mirror teaching themselves how to make appropriate facial expressions.

I suggest you ask your parents to get you an evaluation. Criticism and correction aren’t going to help you. Working with a therapist who has experience with Aspergers will. You can learn how to interact more acceptably and, more important, more comfortably with others.

Meanwhile, you also need some serious coaching if you want to go to art school. It takes more than self-confidence. Most schools require a portfolio. I suggest you see the art teacher at your school for help with that. Then see your guidance counselor to figure out which schools might have a scholarship program you qualify for.

Thank you for your courteous letter. I can sense that you are a warm and interesting person. You just need some help to let others see it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I wish I had a family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My family has been a mess since day one. My parents were divorced when I was a baby b/c of my fathers drinking. I was then raised by my mother until 10th grade, when I moved in with my Dad. My sisters are so jealous of me its sickening. I have not had a good relationship with them my whole life. The oldest sister creates more DRAMA than anyone in the world and steadily stirs it up (which keeps our family in turmoil). She has been married 4 times, and is in the midst of a child custody case with her 3rd husband. She sends me harrasing, vindictive emails and text messages attempting to hurt my feeling. My father is best buds with the oldest sister and my mother is best buds with the middle sister. So I have no one in my family. (My grandmother is also “teamed up” with my oldest sister) My middle sister and I had a decent relationship for a short time period until my older sister came back in the picture. Then they joined forces against me. Am I just being a pity party? It hurts to not have anyone to truly trust in. I feel my family has ruined me when it comes to trusting anyone. Im so lost, I just need a direction to follow. I wish I had a family.

Not everyone is blessed with the loving, stable, wonderful family they long for. Your birth family is full of conflict, blaming, and taking sides. I don’t know why this all started or why it keeps going but you don’t have to stay in the thick of it. Since it seems like they aren’t interested in making things better, it may be time for you to “make” a family that’s more to your liking. Stop wasting your time trying to get a family out of the group you were born to. By all means, do what is required to maintain contact and be civil but put your energy, time, and love where it will pay off.

Some people are lucky enough to fall in love with someone who has a great family that welcomes new members. If that’s your situation, accept it as a wonderful gift and become a full participant. If you haven’t found a family through love, nurture the friendships you have and add more with an eye to finding people who are admirable in the way they conduct their lives and who are supportive of their friends. Be sure to include some older people whose own families may be at a distance from them. You will benefit from their wisdom and they will appreciate your interest. Also look for younger people whose families are far away and who would appreciate your mentoring. Then work on getting all these good people connected by introducing them to each other and inviting them to share in some get-togethers. Do your part by doing random acts of kindness for individuals and hosting group fun.

Real friendships (and families that care) require attention and effort. In time, you will find yourself surrounded by people who care about each other. As far as I’m concerned, that’s what life is all about.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Grandparents are Overstepping Boundaries

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My in-laws are insistant that they can buy whatever they want for my daughter (she is 22 months old) It has bothered me but I have kept the peace. For Easter they bought her a live baby bunny as a pet after my husband and I said no. They tried to give it to her at a time when my husband was not there. I refused their gift and my mother in law yelled at me saying they would not have rules as grandparents and would do whatever they wanted in front of my daughter. She stopped speaking to me after this and I wrote an email days later calling them disrespectful for buying a pet for my 1 year old after we said no. It has now been almost 2 months and MIL would not speak to us. I emailed to see what we needed to do to be a family again and she demanded I apologize to her or she wouldn’t get past this. I did and then she said she didn’t accept, continues to insist she will do whatever she wants and we are still not speaking. I want to get past this. But I want respect. If we (the parents) say no-no one has the right to do something against our wishes for our child. And I’m just talking things that are not appropriate for a child her age. They didn’t consider that we have 2 cats and a dog already in our home, or that we would be responsible for the expense of the bunny, that my daughter is not old enough to care or be responsible for a pet and therefore it falls on me. I’m sorry it hurt their feelings that we said no but its our my child. Can our realtionship be saved for the sake of my daughter?

Your in-laws are way out of line. As far as I can tell, you have done nothing wrong. You have the right to set reasonable boundaries around your in-laws’ relationship with your child. The important word is “reasonable.” It is certainly reasonable for you to not want another pet. You’re right that you would end up caring for it. It is not reasonable for your mother-in-law to think she can do and say anything she wants just because she is a grandmother. That entitlement doesn’t come with the job description.

Where is your husband in all of this? You shouldn’t be negotiating boundaries on your own. This is an important developmental milestone in the maturing of your own family. Your husband, their son, needs to be clearly on the same page with you. The two of you – together – need to decide what is in the best interests of your child. You need – together – to have a loving talk with your in-laws. You can certainly tell them that you appreciate their interest in your daughter. You can tell them how important it is for your daughter to have loving grandparents. But you can also tell them that it isn’t appropriate for them not to honor your role as your daughter’s parents. It isn’t at all supportive of your authority as parents if your daughter understands that she can always appeal to a “higher court,” her grandparents. It isn’t healthy for her to grow up with tension between the two generations of people who love her.

When you have this conversation, it’s important that you stay loving and clear, not angry. Engaging in an argument gives the impression that you can be talked out of your position. Supporting each other means staying clear and rational.

I sincerely hope that you and your husband can work together to resolve this situation. Often grandparents like these do back off when they realize that the younger couple really means it when they assert boundaries.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Fearing hospitalization

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve had severe depression for quite a while. I started receiving treatment (meds and counseling) a little over two years ago. I had some success and got my depression under control, to the point where i didn’t need meds. But over the last 6 months, my life has fallen apart. I’m back on the meds (even though I didn’t want it) and in counseling every week. My therapist is helpful and while i trust him, i feel like i’m not able to tell him everything that is going on. For the last month or so, I’ve had serious suicide ideation. I told my therapist my plan, but promised I wouldn’t act on it that week. But each week it’s getting harder and harder to make that promise. As the stress of the end of the semester builds up, suicide seems more and more like the answer. In my session yesterday, my therapist got worried because I had a difficult week dominated with suicidal thoughts. He said that I should consider hospitalization. But that scares me even more. I know I should do whatever needs to be done to be kept safe, but I can’t go to the hospital. No one knows how bad i feel and it would devastate my parents and family if they found out. I’m not sure what to do… Truthfully, I am scared of what I might do, but I think I’m more scared of what happens when my family finds out… What do you recommend?
Thanks for listening.

I’m sorry you are having such a difficult time. I hope you can hold onto the fact that treatment helped you before. That is the best indicator that it will help you again. But — your therapist can only help you if you let him. We therapists aren’t mind-readers (although sometimes we really try hard to be). You do need to be straight with him.

However devastated your family would be if you go into a hospital, I’m sure you know they would be far more devastated to lose you. Yes, it is hard for many families to come to terms with someone they love being in such emotional trouble that it takes a hospital to keep them safe. But bottom line, they do want their family member to get the help he or she needs. Often family members relax once they realize that psychiatric hospitals aren’t like what is often depicted in movies and on TV. Good hospitals simply provide structure, some intensive therapy, and a safe place to work out the right medication for the patient. Often, there is a family therapy component to help family members know how to be more helpful and supportive. You can give your therapist permission to explain to them what a hospitalization is like and what could be accomplished there.

I think you’ll find that you will feel a little better just by finally making a decision to go ahead and allow an admission. Once that big decision is made, you can turn your attention to dealing with the depression – which is the point, after all.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed or Normal Teen Issues?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I may be depressed. I really don’t know. I just need help! I think I may be depressed. I’m never really happy. I’m always bored. When i’m not home I can’t wait till i’m home soo I can get on my computer.. it just feels like i’m escaping everything. I never sleep at night. I mostly sleep the day away. I never feel good enough, skinny enough and pretty enough. I often find myself comparing myself to other girls. I seek attention from older men and I always feel like i’m not good enough. I often feel like my parents love my sister more, like there always giving her all the attention. I’m really shy and don’t have many friends. I have hurt myself before nothing major but like buirsing myself. I rather be alone then be with people. I’m really close to my mom(she’s like my best friend.) but I often think about my mom dying and that scares me a lot. Even if someone says the littest thing to me it hurts. If I get yelled at I will start to cry. Even if I do the stupiest little thing like say something stupid, I’ll feel embarssed and stupid by it.

I know I went on and on but I just need to know what’s wrong with me? Maybe this is normal? I don’t know. Btw I’m 14.

Depression may be a possibility but many of your concerns are common among individuals your age. Early adolescence can be a difficult time. There are many fears. Many will wonder if they are good enough, smart enough, funny enough, attractive enough etc., and will be very concerned about what others think of them. These fears and doubts are a very common experience. It is also common to worry about losing a parent or other that you love.

Adolescent girls in particular often compare themselves to other girls. If they do not feel “good enough” they may attempt to fill that void by engaging in unhealthy behavior. You mentioned that you seek attention from older men. There are complications to consider regarding relationships with older men. They may be interested in sex and feel that sex is a part of every relationship that they enter into. It is normal to want attention and love but it is important to be careful about from whom you seek it.

You also mentioned that you harm yourself. This is an unhealthy behavior. You described purposefully bruising yourself as “nothing major” but I would disagree. If an individual is intentionally harming themselves it is a concern. It is usually a sign of significant emotional suffering. Oftentimes individuals will attempt to physically harm themselves in an attempt to decrease their emotional suffering. That strategy never works. The relief it provides is temporary. It is an ineffective and maladaptive solution. It often leads to more self-harm and possibly permanent physical damage.

I would encourage you to speak to your mother about your concerns. She needs to know about what you are experiencing. She may be able to help you. You may want to ask her if she would be willing to take you to a therapist. A therapist can help you deal with the pain and trauma of adolescence. You may want to suggest that she go with you. Since you and she are close, then she may welcome the opportunity.

Psychology Today is a directory of mental health professionals in the United States. If you type in your zip code, you can search through local therapists’ profiles to see which one you may want to make an appointment with. Try to choose a therapist who specializes in treating adolescents.

Thank you for your question.

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No self-esteem following a betrayal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am 21 years old, and lately I’ve been experienced a lot of anxiety. My childhood was a normal childhood, I am the oldest of four children, my parents are married, and both work and I grew up in a small town and had a really happy normal childhood. Since I was little (about 12) I lacked self confidence, but then I started gained it, and by the time I was 15 I was in a pretty good place in my life, I loved it, I had many friends a happy and great life, and that year I met my current boyfriend. After a year of being together, he cheated on me with another girl, that killed me he was the first person I had ever truly loved and he did that to me, he apologized and begged for me to take him back so I did; and we’ve been together since then. A year or so after that, he moved out of the country and we broke up, I was devastated, because I felt like after all the years spent with him nothing counted, and it was when this whole paranoia and lack of self confidence started. Not so long ago he asked me to get back together, I was really happy but then again my situation of low self-confidence and self-esteem got worse each day. Currently I feel like I have no control over my actions, I feel like in my past I was really outgoing and could make friends easily, now I can’t, I feel as if I am boring and I rethink a million times everything I want to say or do, which as a result brings having a difficult time meeting new people. I feel paranoid all the time thinking people are going to talk bad about me behind my back or will think I look bad or I’m fat or ugly, I feel as if I have lost all of my personality. I get really furious at myself almost everyday when I see pictures of other girls my same age or even younger than me that I know partying, traveling and having a great time, while I’m sitting at my house not enjoying my youth, because my paranoia of not being good enough won’t let me. These problems have affected my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I have changed, that I am not as fun and adventurous as I used to be, that I acted as if I had lost my personality, the one which he fell in love with, and I feel he is right, I also feel scared all the time that he will leave me any time and find a girl that is happier and more fun than me. Rewarding my family, I’m always moody I treat my brothers and sisters very bad, by getting easily irritated by them and I find myself screaming and yelling at them all the time, as if I had no patience with them and could not stand their site. Not only has my personal life has been going down the drain I have also been getting bad academic reports, in the past year I have failed 2 classes, and my grades have decreased incredibly. I mentioned the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me before, because I feel that in a way this has to do with everything that I am going through right now, after that happened my life started going down the drain and it hasn’t stopped. Every single aspect of my life was affected by the fact that the person I loved and trusted the most betrayed me, cheated on me, with a girl I even knew! I forgave him because he demonstrated he cared, and he showed me in so many ways he loves me and he was so extremely sorry. What makes me more mad it is not the fact that he cheated on me, but the fact that this girl with who cheated on me with had everything going for her, even though she is a horrible mean person she seems to have everything in a perfect way, perfect hair, perfect car, perfect body, perfect friends, perfect everything and I don’t. I feel like myself is in ruins, literally. Another thing that makes me so uncomfortable is my boyfriend’s family; because of my low self esteem and the fact that I am so different in every way from them, I feel as if they hate me; I’m paranoid about what they might think of me, when I’m with them I’m afraid to speak or say something, because of the fear of making a fool out of myself, so I come off as rude and shy, so I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to, no one to express myself with, I have no friends, I have gotten FAT I have gained more than 10 pounds from eating so much (anxiety), my boyfriend lives in another country and currently reminds me of how much he’s noticed that I have changed, my academic has been awful, I am depressed, I cry every single night hoping my attitude will change. Please help me, I have tried to change but I feel lost, I feel as if something is missing, I am not satisfied with my life, I feel as if my best years are going by and I’m in my room crying and eating. Please help me I feel as if I have no control over my life, what do you think I should do?

I am glad you are taking care of yourself by reaching out to us here. Your self-esteem has taken a hit because you are too dependent on your boyfriend as a barometer for your own emotional wellbeing. This isn’t a very functional relationship, from what you are telling me, and I can understand why you would feel insecure and anxious. Your trust in him is shaky (at best). He is living in another country, and his criticism of your changes doesn’t help. It is time to reclaim yourself and become more self-reliant and resilient.

I am not suggesting you end the relationship, but I am asking you to put it in perspective. It sounds like you are drawn to his potential rather than his reality. Obviously you get something out of the relationship, but don’t confuse what you want him to be with who he is.

I would begin reclaiming your life and work on getting yourself back. Start a program of taking care of your body, your intellectual development and your emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend cannot do these things for you. You have to take care of yourself. If you do this it is a win-win situation. If the relationship survives then you will be less needy and more capable and happier in it. If the relationship doesn’t survive you will be able to move on with confidence.

A therapist during this time is a good idea. If you don’t already have one you may want to begin and create some emotional support. The college you are going to will have a counselling center with a number of qualified therapists.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How can I help friend who is in wrong relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My friend is in a relationship for app. 4 years now. she found out a year after they met that he was married , and had a kid. He promised her to divorce the wife but after 3 years he is still married and lives with his wife.

my friend left her parents and went to the city where he lives , rented an apartment and started to work as a waitress just to be close to him, he used to come and go to her house , sometimes stayed overnight and sometimes going to his wife. he treated her really bad, used to insult in front of the people in the street and not caring about her . well, he doesnt love or respect her at all!

She lied to her parents that they got married and etc. so after years the family learnt about the lies and everything but they still accepted her and tried to help. as she used to work very hard for almost no money and could not earn enough for living , her family decided to take credit from the bank and send her abroad to work. he did not even say good bye to her.he did not appear at the airport.

after a week she sends money to him and some clothes as a gift, while telling her family she is unemployed! knowing that while she is there , her boyfriend lives with his wife, but she says ” she loves him to death” and sees nothing else farther.

whatever wrong he does , she thinks thats the way it s supposed to be. she still hopes one day he s gonna divorce and marry her but HE doesnt care. He doesnt even ask how she is there. he just enjoys the money and gifts from an unemployed girl who is cleaning some toilets in a foreign country and NOT getting paid enough to buy food.

i talked to her family today, they are confused, they dont know what to do. her father , this huge strong man cried sometimes as her sister told me . please, i need some advice, is there anything we can do to make her believe that she deserves better than a man who doesn’t give a damn about her. she doesnt want to talk about it. always cutting the conversation when someone talks about her relationship. she is manipulated, with no self esteem or dignity .
What shall we do to make her see life a different way ?
Thank you in advance.

This is a sad, sad story. I’m deeply concerned for your friend and also for all those who love her. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do to make her see that she is throwing away years of her life for someone who doesn’t deserve her. She is an adult. She may be an adult who has little self-respect or self-esteem but she is nonetheless an adult who is entitled to make her own decisions. All you can all do is state your opinions calmly and then love her (love her a lot) and hope she comes to her senses.

There are names for guys like this one who take advantage of a person’s neediness and willingness to spend money she doesn’t have in order to keep him attached to her. I won’t indulge in name-calling. Suffice to say, I don’t think much of him. I suppose you could appeal to whatever sliver of character is in him and see if he will do her the favor of breaking it off but I’m not optimistic that he will cooperate.

I do wonder why the family thought sending her abroad would be helpful. I’m sure I don’t have the complete story but I suggest that you all consider whether distance is helping. Sometimes it doesn’t. When people don’t see the object of their love, they can start to fantasize that the person is much more wonderful than he or she is. It might be more helpful to bring her back home where this guy’s behavior can’t be romanticized by lack of contact. Seeing the good, mutual, positive relationships of those around her may also make this guy look worse by contrast.

I’m sure this situation is breaking the hearts of the people who care for your friend. It’s one of the hardest things in the world to watch someone you love self-destruct. As addictions counselors will tell you, sometimes a person has to really “hit bottom” before they give up something or someone that isn’t good for them. Your friend isn’t there yet. Someday she is going to appreciate how much you all have tried to help but she can’t see that yet either. I hope you can find ways to continue to offer her support but also protect yourself by detaching a bit.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Mom Committed Suicide When I Was 7 or 8

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

Q: It was during the summer between 3rd and 4th grade, i think i was 7-8ish, and my mom committed suicide days or the day before my birthday. I actually don’t remember much. I saw a therapist briefly, she was terrible, grumpy even.  Only went to a few sessions, got nothing out of it, at least that i remember. Now, i have major issues connecting with my family, friends, and much more, girlfriends. Opening up is near impossible, even if i really want to. ALL holidays and most major social events, from the super bowl to saint patricks day to christmas, are automatic lowpoints, with the only traumatizing event being near my birthday. I’m constantly worried i’m missing out on my own life because i seem to miss out on everything worth going to. I cling to friends who have done nothing but damage my life, and push away the ones who might actually help, and especially any potential girlfriends get shown the most aggressive detachment. What little sex i have had, i physically detach from, almost as if i’m viewing from 3rd person.  Since highschool i’ve been attending college, i moved 9 hours away to live with an uncle and aunt, rebuilt my life, ran it into the ground, rebuilt again, freaked out and medically withdrew from college to move again 45minutes from parents, rebuilt my life again, ran it into ground again, moved back home because i drove myself into debt and my roommate was an opiate addict. Now i’m sitting in debt, depressed on a regular basis because i have no friends here and i don’t have enough money to visit them, and i have no money to even attempt trying to make new friends here because everything costs money. My dad has always been closed off to boot.

I’ve never blaimed any of my actions on my moms death, but all on me (not her death though). I figure if i can figure out whats wrong and actively attempt to fix it, i won’t repeat mistakes.  But i do keep repeating mistakes and have constant issues opening up to people despite trying to, and i keep missing out because of it. Am i supposed to be having these issues because of my mom suicide? Is it supposed to be this hard to fix them? I keep chalking things up to “learning the hard way,” but at this point, thats the first 20years of my life, and i’m not sure how much more i can sacrifice before i truely lose any hope of being happy.

Suicide of a parent is a terrible thing from which to recover, and if we don’t get help, it will keep sabotaging us until we find a therapist who can allow us to heal. Whether or not you blame yourself isn’t the full issue, but it seems that you have become pretty self-destructive. I have never met you, but I suspect that your self-destructive behaviors are rooted in anger, anger at your mother for abandoning you, anger that you couldn’t have prevented it, and anger that nobody stepped forward to help.

The thing I know for sure about grief — if you don’t confront it head-on and get therapy, it will wait until you do. That is to say, it will fester and erode your self confidence, your relationships and your life until you get into treatment with a professional who specializes in your problem. Children of tragedy such as yours often go on to become depressed, sometimes for life. You should consult a psychiatrist for medications as well. Anger is considered a “secondary” emotion, that is, the primary issue is your woundedness and pain. 

You can find a therapist who specializes in recovering from the suicide of a loved one at Psychology Today. There you can find one who either takes your insurance or offers a sliding scale for treatment. But, you cannot do this on your own. You don’t want to be describing this same issue 20 years from now, so please find a professional in your area.

Kindest Regards,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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I Feel Like My Parents Don’t Love Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve had depression since I was very young but was officially diagnosed when I was 16. For as long as I can remember my parents have always fought with one another about every subject imaginable. For example, what to eat for dinner; my grades; my weight; money; or even the cleanliness of the carpet. Their fighting makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

I have a closer relationship with my mom, but I still feel like she is dissatisfied with me. The only time she tells me how she feels is when she’s over the top mad and yells at me. Most of the time when she’s mad she completely ignores me and walks around with a smile on her face.

Most recently I got a tattoo on my leg using my money of a sport that I am very passionate about. My mom doesn’t like tattoos and obviously doesn’t like it. I can’t tell my dad about it because he would straight out tell me that I was stupid to get it and that it is a stupid tattoo. I have three other tattoos that they know about. So for the past week I’ve been walking around with a bandage over it so my mom doesn’t have to look at it and my dad doesn’t see it.

I feel like I can’t be myself. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m uncomfortable at home when my parents are there, and when they are there I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to keep them from fighting or getting mad at me.

I used to see a therapist specializing in teenage anxiety and depression, but I became well enough to stop receiving treatment. I don’t know how to tell my parents how unhappy I am and that I am planning on not moving home next summer just to escape the emotional roller coaster that is my house.

It makes sense that you do not want to be in the presence of your parents. As you said, their fighting makes you feel uncomfortable. Most people would feel the way you do. No one wants to be in the presence of continuous arguing. It’s very unpleasant.

What is less clear is why you feel as though your parents don’t love you. Are you blaming yourself for their fights? Perhaps you believe that if they loved you, they would not fight. Try not to take their arguing personally. In all likelihood, it has more to do with their dissatisfaction with each another than to do with their love for you.

I would encourage you to tell your parents how you feel. It is important to be honest and to voice your opinion. Their continuous arguments are negatively affecting your life and they need to be made aware of this fact. They likely are unaware of how their behavior is affecting you. If you have difficulty speaking to them in person about these issues, then consider writing them a letter. Sometimes people feel more comfortable writing about their feelings than they do stating them in person.

You might also benefit from returning to therapy, at least for a few sessions. It seems as though you could use the support of a therapist at this time. The therapist could also provide guidance with regard to how to approach your parents, how to better understand this situation and how to adjust your feelings accordingly. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My 10-year-old said she will kill herself

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was single parent before I met my fiance. My daughter was with my parents for 8 years and I was working out of the country for a while. I go home on vacations maybe once a year to be with her for a month at most. When she was eight I finally was able to get her paperwork to join me in the united states. my daughter had a tough time adjusting to america and being away from the philippines and the family she had for eight years.

My fiance never had any kid when I met him. he was very stringent in his ways with discipling my daughter. he would yell at her and has called her names like stupid or ignorant or drama queen. we fought and every now and then still fight very bad about how he disciplines my daughter. one time my daughter had to call 911 because we were fighting really bad.

my daughter is scared to make mistakes. she has recently been not opening up her feelings to me for fear that me and my fiance would fight over her. my mom has been with us for a few months now and my daughter has expressed her emotions to my mom. she told my mom she would kill herself because we keep fighting over her. she said that maybe when she grows up she will run away.

i dont know what to do. i blame myself and my fiance. but in other things my daughter is very well taken cared of. my fiance provides all of our/her needs. she is pampered with everything to toys, clothes, school needs and family vacations.

everytime I correct my fiance about the way he disciplines my daughter he says that he loves my daughter like a real dad. he would do everything for me and my kid. he only wants my daugther to succeed in life and to have the best. he is very strict with education. he said he doesnt want my daughter to grow up a bum. but that he never had kids before so he also acknowledged that maybe he doesnt know any better. but I am also worried about how ugly and bad our fights are. I think it is ruining or if it hasn’t ruined my daughter’s life already.

i now have a 3month old baby with my fiance. I am at a point where I am trying to save my family for the sake of the kids I want to keep us together. but what if my fiance and I can’t reconcile our differences. everyday we try for things to change. but how long should i keep trying and know when to give it up for the sake of my daughter? is saying she wants to kill herself normal for pre teen years? is this something I should seek a family or my daugther for counselling? what should I do? I am very sad right now and torn apart…

Thank you for writing. You are understandably torn apart by this situation. No, it’s not normal for a 10-year-old to be talking about killing herself and running away. Absolutely, you should be seeking some family therapy. If you and your fiance could fix this on your own, you would have done so long ago. Your fiance needs to learn how to parent without threats and name-calling. You and your fiance need to learn ways to settle your differences without fighting, screaming, and scaring your little girl. Your little girl needs help making sense of why she was pulled from the family where she felt loved and secure to be with a man who treats her badly. Of course she has had trouble “adjusting”!

I’m glad your mother is currently with you. She seems to be someone your daughter feels safe with. A therapist will also help you figure out how to honor the relationship between grandmother and granddaughter without feeling threatened yourself.

Please follow through and find a counselor — for everyone’s sake. The current situation must stop if your children are to be okay.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Do I Do ?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

It all started when I started dating him. I didn’t tell my parents that I was dating because I was afraid they would say no and not let me date. So I had to date him behind their backs. During spring break I would go to his house often without my parents ever knowing and we got intimate but never passed the line. Then school started again and I would try to go to his house on the weekends telling my parents that I wanted to go to a friend’s house. One day a couple of my parents church friends spotted me going into his house and told my parents. My parents confronted me and said everything was going to change. They were going to take my phone away, ground me and they weren’t going to let me see him again so I ran away and when I told him about it he thought I was crazy. I know it was a bad idea but I just wanted to get away from everything. That same day I came back home to pick up my stuff but my parents wouldn’t let me leave and called the cops. My parents then changed their mind saying I could keep my phone and that I could date him. So I told him that I think he should meet my parents and he said okay but he sort freaked out when I told him to meet them the next day. The next day came and I told my parents I wanted to go to his house but they said no way it’s not right for a Christian girl to go to the guys house and then they said tell him to come over here but I was like no way because this house is too embarrassing to even bring any of my friends over. When I told them that I don’t want to live here anymore and live by their rules they said to leave this house then and I was like but you didn’t let me go when I had the chance and then they were like go ask your boyfriend if you could live with him and his parents and if they say yes then we’ll let you go. So I asked him but he thought I was crazy and then he said it would be best if we were just friends. After that I spend the half day crying. When school began again he acted like everything was normal and he started to flirt with me and then he said you can move in with me but I told him to stop because I knew he was joking. Then everyday afterschool he always tried to get me to sit with him on the bus and so I did and he would try to kiss me and etc. but I would try to stop him and tell him that we’re just friends. But eventually we started to talk again. After school was over we both knew it wouldn’t be easy to see each other again so one night I snuck out to meet up with him at his house and I was actually happy. I came back home and no one suspected a thing. The next week I tried to sneak out again but this time I got caught and my parents took my phone away. I had such a horrible feeling inside of me because I thought I would never see him again. Anyways days passed and my parents trust in me is gone. I told them I don’t want to be a part of their stupid religion that doesn’t even let me celebrate any holiday or my own birthday and only brings embarrassment to me and they said that as long as I live under their roof I have to keep going to this church. I’m really tired of this religion because it’s the reason I have little freedom and have to hide things behind their back because they won’t accept it. As I keep talking to him he said that he’ll get his own apartment soon and that I could live with him when I turn 18 or when my parents let me. I still talk to him but he seems to be more distant since my dad has trust issues with me and takes my phone away from me often. I just want to get a job already and get emancipated because everything would be normal if it wasn’t for this religion. I wish I could open up to my parents more and tell them everything and how I feel but every time I try it just seems that they don’t want to compromise. I don’t know what to do anymore I would be more detailed but this all I can think and write about now. What should I do?

Thank you for writing your thoughts and feelings with a clear explanation of the issue. I think the short-term approach is to find a counselor you can begin talking to about all these concerns and think that will be very important. Since you are 15 and are still in school you may want to talk to the guidance counselor about these issues and see if he or she can arrange for you to talk to someone on a regular basis about the concerns you have.

The issues you are having are very typical for your age. The embarrassment and restriction you feel from your parents’ religious beliefs seems to have heightened this struggle. The long-term goal is to invest in your own future and plan for being more independent and self-reliant. In other words, see your graduation from high school as a time where you can be more independent and on your own.

Finding someone to talk with now and planning for your future are essential.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m angry and just a complete mess

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have come here searching for an answer to my anger and the things that come along with it. My anger has cost me relationships with friends and boyfriends…I’m surprised my parents still stick around with the way I treat my mother specifically. I just completely overreact to things all the time. And I mean to the point that I am screaming and doing anything and everything in my power to make the opposing force feel wrong, stupid, and as inferior as possible. I used to break, punch, throw, slam things. Lately I’ve been able to keep at least that from happening.

Everyone has always told me just to notice when I begin to get angry and to just get away from the situation or to count to ten, but I can’t do it. For some reason I just can’t recognize that I’m about to become that enraged and that it is totally irrational, because I always think I am right. I never realize what has happened until the situation is over, then I feel remorse, but I usually don’t apologize because I feel that maybe I wasn’t wrong, I just went too far. I hardly apologize and usually it’s just to get what I want. I usually just blow things off because what’s done is done and what can I do to fix it now? But that just isn’t working for me. I really thought it would, rather than living in regret…just live for today and to make things the best. But I can’t do that.

I ruin everything. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I’m trying to say. A million thoughts are running through my head right now and I just don’t know where to start. In my past I’ve suffered physical and sexual abuse. And I just feel like my parents just never cared that those things happened, because all I got was a lock on my door and all my step brother got was NOTHING. My mother also went a little crazy while on welbutrin and became violent which resulted in serious shouting and physical fights between us. But she felt better, it made her depression go away. Luckily she listened to my step brother, step father, and myself and stopped taking it.

When I try to talk to her about how I feel (which I do not ever like to talk about how I feel with people that I see on a regular basis) she feels like it is time to tell me about her psycho thoughts as well. Today she told me she saw one of our dogs playing with a shirt sleeve my step dad turned into a dog toy and she imagined about strangling one of the dogs to death. I just can’ deal with her problems and my own. I also have had disturbing thoughts in the past that I can’t recall due to trying to push them from my mind. But they were thoughts that would be harmful to others. And I had to talk myself out of doing them. But I did.

I’m also a recovering drug addict, began at 14, never really did anything habitually until about 18. cocaine addict for about a year and a half, quit for about 2 years. then had a binge resulting in a breakdown the summer of 2008. used very sparsely until fall or winter of 2009, started binging on cocaine again, then got more into meth which I had tried in the past. Then fell into a serious habit with using that intravenous. got clean for like a month and then used the same way sparingly. last time was 2 weeks ago. have been successful in being strong enough not to give in to temptation like I used to. I don’t know if any of this is relevant, I just assume drug usage might be. I don’t even remember what I’ve been talking about. Sometimes I get so distracted I just have no idea what has just happened, what is going on, or sometimes where I am. I plan on seeking counseling immediately. That’s the only options I know of for people in my situation, broke, been unemployed (only for 4 months but I am so impulsive I waste my money on clothes, food, alcohol, drugs, shoes, I just feel like i need new things!), I don’t know what to do.

A: Yes, you do know what to do. You told me. Get into counseling immediately! Girl. You’re only 23 and you are a total mess. Yes, the drug use has lots to do with it. While you were using various drugs, your brain and mind got deprived of the important education in impulse control and judgment that happens during the teen years. Yes, your upbringing has something to do with it. You didn’t get the love, support and protection every child deserves. Trauma has something to do with it. Kids who are abused often need help. There’s no shame in that! And – if that weren’t enough, you may also have inherited a predisposition to mental illness from your mother. All that is a huge burden for any young person to manage.

I’m amazed and impressed that with so big a tangle of issues you could put together such a coherent and well-written letter. You have inner strengths and intelligence that you and a therapist can use to help you recover the 10 years of emotional growth you lost. Stop “planning” to find a therapist and just do it. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be on the road to a more even temper and a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Want to Feel Normal

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My problems started when I got a job in November on night shift. It killed me I had such a difficult time with it. I was already on an anti psychotic and an anti depressant. But having such issues the doctor put me on another anti depressant. I was feeling better for a while until I lost my job. Losing the job was a relief but now my life is falling apart.

Almost everyone in my family is bipolar including me. My son has ADHD and picks up everything people say. my brother is 35 lives at home and pays no bills. He is disrespectful and my son is picking it up. I confronted my parents and now my mother is so upset she can’t talk to me, My husband yells at me when I get upset instead of helping me. I just want to be able to control my emotions. I want to feel normal. I do not have insurance so I cannot go to see anyone. I really need help but can’t get it. I have thought about what it would be like to end my life but could not do that to my son or family. I watched my in laws go through it when my brother in law killed himself. I could not put people through that. But I do want to just go somewhere and never have to deal with anyone I know. I want to disappear and have no feelings at all. People just keep telling me to get over it and it is not that easy. I need help but cannot get it so maybe you could give me some advice.

I’m so sorry you are having such a miserable time. I’m glad you wrote.

All the medicine in the world is not going to help you out of what is a toxic situation. No one in your family appears to know how to handle emotions and conflict constructively. They get upset and yell instead of solving problems. And there are a lot of problems to solve. Being diagnosed with bipolar doesn’t excuse people from treating each other with compassion and doing what needs to be done to have a healthy family.

I think you do need to see someone to help you figure out where you may have more power to change things than you think you do. A resource for free services for women is often found in programs for domestic violence. Although you don’t describe a situation where you are battered physically, you are certainly being emotionally abused. I suggest you see what the program near you has to offer in terms of counseling services. The closest program to you is in Wilkes-Barre. The phone number is 866-206-9050. Why don’t you give them a call and see if they can offer you free help or if they can refer you to another appropriate service?

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lonely and Adrift

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m feeling very lonely, I don’t have any friends. When I do get friends, if they make one mistake I get rid of them and always find faults. My past 2 relationships I messed up, the 1st one was for 3 years, and during that time I was living with my dad,he lost his job for over a year and we had no money and became very reliant on him he broke up with me when I needed him most. After we broke up I met someone else, whom I love a lot but because I still dwelled on my old relationship we broke up too.my parents split up when I was 16,I’m the youngest,I have 2 older brothers. My mum has never been the same, and she drinks a lot and is very lonely.I can’t forgive myself for mistakes I’ve made,all my family live abroad in different countries except my mum,I live alone.I moved around a lot since I was 9..and never kept friends,and now I find myself all alone.I find it hard to tell my family.

I am not certain of your exact question so I can only provide general advice. The problem area that you identified involves relationships. You believe that you are to blame for the demise of your relationships. That may or may not be true.

The fact that when a friend “makes a mistake, you get rid of them” would be problematic in virtually any relationship, romantic or otherwise. There are some mistakes that are unforgivable and would likely warrant the ending of a relationship. For instance, a new friend physically harming you would understandably warrant the ending of a relationship.

Without knowing what mistakes your friends made, it’s difficult to determine if you were correct to end the friendship. Everyone makes mistakes. Many mistakes are forgivable but there are exceptions.

Generally speaking, if you continue to end relationships after a friend makes a minor mistake, then you will be unable to establish long-term relationships. This is a problem because it is human nature to desire relationships. In the absence of meaningful relationships, you will likely be unhappy.

My recommendation is to meet with a therapist who could thoroughly evaluate your behavior in relationships. A therapist can also objectively assess how and if you are contributing to your relationship problems. The positive aspect of therapy is that you can be retrained to think differently and to act differently toward others. In other words, therapy affords you the opportunity to learn new skills and behaviors that will improve the quality of your relationships and thus your life.

Finally, you stated that you “can’t forgive yourself for the mistakes” you have made. As mentioned above, everyone make mistakes. Many of the mistakes people make stem from essentially not knowing alternative and more appropriate ways to behave. Acknowledge your mistakes, determine what led to your mistakes and make a concerted effort not to repeat them. That would be a much healthier, action-oriented approach to problem-solving than your current approach, which involves self-blame. A therapist could assist you in developing these problem solving skills. I hope that you will consider therapy. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I make my parents cry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I am a 16 years old boy, and attending my second last year of school. Time management has always been a problem for me, but my grades never showed this as I was gifted as a student. Things started changing at the beginning of the year, my grades were dropping because I was not putting in the effort. I used to play games, and this may have contributed somewhat.

I know my parents love me, and they do their best to help me, but recently they have become increasingly frustrated and annoyed with me. It seems I have pushed them to their limits to love me. My mom has now started ignoring me, and my dad recently got a job out of town, so he’s not here most of the time. My mom doesn’t want to talk to me, as she says everything I say is a lie to try and please people, and that all I ever do is be “Mr. Nice Guy”. Once she even said that I have lost my soul.

I have made both my parents cry numerous times, and I feel numb to all the pain and suffering I am causing. I would lock myself in my room for days, and just sleep. I haven’t been to school for the past week, just sleeping and playing games, which today I deleted off my computer.

I feel that if I don’t do something to change soon, i will regret it for the rest of my life, as this is a crucial time now: these marks start counting towards my end result.
I have thought about ending my life at times, and that just makes me cry, I would never do it. I write all over my school books that I’m a failure, and I believe it. But I know I must change, this just isn’t me.

Please help me, I don’t know who I am anymore or where to turn for help. I am spiraling down into a pit that has no joy or happiness left in it. I feel that everything I do is fake, and I am just living as a shell with no purpose. Please help me.

Okay then. Your letter is the first step in reclaiming yourself and turning your life around. Actually, the first step was deleting the games from the computer. So you’re really on step 2. Now let’s get to steps 3 and beyond. . .

Sometimes students act like this because they are so afraid of failing that it’s better to not even try. If you don’t try, you can always tell yourself that you could do well if you only make the effort. It’s a tactic that may save your dignity but it does so at the price of your future. I think you can do better than that.

Another possibility is that you really are depressed and need some focused help to get out of the depression.

It sounds to me that your parents are just as frustrated with you as you are. They are suffering from their own problems and don’t know what to do to help you with yours. Parents who cry are parents who care — deeply — but you know that. Since they don’t know how to help, it’s time you found someone who does.

Please consider talking to a school counselor or your doctor or someone else you trust about how to go about getting an evaluation from a mental health counselor. You’re stuck. If you knew what to do, I think you would have done it long ago. You strike me as a smart, decent guy who is as mystified by his own behavior as his parents are. A counselor will help you understand why you are so self-defeating and will teach you some strategies for getting back to the business of realizing your potential. A counselor can also provide much needed support for your whole family if you are willing to have some family sessions. Since you and your folks do care about each other so much, it would probably be a great relief for you all to learn how to be more supportive of one another.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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