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Boyfriend’s Feelings Have Changed

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 15th, 2021

Help me Its a 15 year relationship and im about to abandon 5 cats!!! I have 9 he hates it!! It is too much for me to care for me and 9 cats he. Says we cant find another place to rent with 9. I say it is hard to take care of all .But what can i do? I cant find them homes noone wants cats. I begged nokill shelters even told them um I am sucidal cause I have 9. This isnt our only problem. He keeps adding problems. If only he loved the cats like me and helped me care for them I would keep them. But he dont love me like that.I saved the kitties I had a rescuers heart. All spayed nuetered. How do get a nokill to take 5 or 4?? Or do i have tooo go to vet myself and put them asleep?? Why dont I try changing him instead duh Its cause I have true love and he dont right. How can he dump me after 15 years.?? I need help im depressed loosing my mind.

It sounds as though your boyfriend wants to end the relationship, leaving you without a place to live with your nine cats. I’m sorry to learn about your predicament.

You asked the question “why don’t I try changing him?” It is important to realize that your power to force your boyfriend to change is very limited. You can’t change the way he feels. When a relationship ends, the feelings between the two parties are typically not mutual. In other words, someone gets their feelings hurt because they weren’t ready for the relationship to end.

In an ideal world, all animals would be adopted by loving people but it’s difficult to find homes for all orphaned animals. It’s a sad reality but it is the truth. Try to find homes for the cats. Perhaps shelter workers or local veterinarians can assist you in finding the cats new homes. Try everything you can to remedy this situation. All you can do is try your best. The cats’ lives are important but your life is more important. You need a place to live or you will be living on the streets or in shelters. In that case you will not be able to save even one of your nine cats. If, you can save one, that is good. If you can save two that is better and if you could save all nine that would be ideal. The reality is that there are only so many that you can save and still save yourself. Save yourself first.

As for the depression related to your breakup, you may want to see a mental health professional. A mental health professional might also assist you in developing a solution regarding your cats. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

February 15, 2021 0 comment

How can I make myself feel more feminine?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 3rd, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve decided that if I ever fall in love with another girl I’ll either ignore it and marry a man anyways or as a back-up plan kill myself. I haven’t fallen in love with a girl ever, and I think the only reason this started bothering me is because a girl called me a lesbian. I don’t want to ever be with a girl. There’s this anime I started watching today and it had a lesbian girl in it and I didn’t mind- aren’t straight people usually freaked out by gay people? And also I sometimes find girls attractive and get turned on when of picture of them in lingerie and stuff. (Just recently after I got called a lesbian, though- that never used to faze me) I have very low self-esteem and it used to be that if I saw a pretty girl I wouldn’t like her for being pretty- I’d be jealous.

I haven’t been around people other than my family all summer so I don’t know if I really have changed at all or if I just think I have. When I was out in public last time though, I didn’t find any of the girls attractive and I was able to spot out boys that I thought were cute. I really don’t want to be a lesbian but I keep finding other ways to convince myself of being one. (One minute I’m happy because I realize I am and have always been straight and the next it’s like the great depression because another thought comes into my mind and I think of the possibility of being interested in other girls.

When I think of how girls are in reality, I know that I could never spend my life around one. Other girls (no offense) annoy me to death and I get irritated easily when they’re PMSing or talking about periods. I find it sweet when boys act all tough then show hints of their sweet side- or at least that’s how it was less than two months ago.

Is it really possible to make such a big transition in just two months? From a straight romantic girly girl to a confused mess of a bi/lesbian? I need tips on how to keep my mind off of this. I thought that “When school starts up again I’ll be around people more and remember who I am again” (school starts in about six days- first day of highschool and I don’t think I’ll be able to enjoy it now because I have a stupid psychotic brain) I want to say that I’m definitely straight because of the crush I had in kindergarten on the “bad boy” ( he’s probably in jail or something by now- I like him because he reminded me of the character from GTA Vice City and I had a crush on that game character).

I don’t think I could ever say that I was gay- I’m not willing to accept that since the only thing I had to look forward to in the furture was a husband and children. (I don’t want to work much when I’m older- I rather be a mom and do cooking and all that- Hey! Maybe I’ll be a waitress/maid if they still wear cute uniforms…) So anyways, sorry for bugging you guy for the millionth time but I keep on getting more and more scared that I’m slipping away.

I haven’t seen a guy my age in a while or a girl so I don’t know how I feel about either but I’m hoping that I’ll come back to reality sometime soon. Also, I feel really unfeminine. When I was a kid I remember wanting to be a comedian and most female comedians are lesbians so I’m even more scared at that. (I don’t want to anymore, though, but the fact that some people legitimately laugh at my jokes scare me) And sometimes when I’m really deep in thought, I think in a voice that isn’t my voice (Mine is kind of high pitched) and I can’t tell if it’s more of a guys voice or just like static. God, I need a therapist or hobby or something…=.=

How can I make myself feel more feminine, too?

You’ve certainly worked yourself up over all this. From my point of view, you are struggling with absolutely typical questions about yourself and your sexuality. At age 13, this is usual, not weird, not a cause for concern. Your interests in comedy, anime, and games; your curiosity about girls, boys, and sex only certify you as normal. I think the isolation of your summer has gotten to you. With no real people to relate to, you’ve imagined different possibilities and worked yourself up. It’s been better than being bored, I suppose. But now it’s on overdrive.

My suggestion to you is that you get yourself acclimated to high school. Meet up with old friends. Get yourself involved with some clubs and activities where you will meet some new ones. You have years to figure out your sexuality and I think you will discover who you are quite naturally if you’ll just let it alone for awhile. The same goes for your personal sense of style, whether “feminine,” “sporty,” “girly,” “sophisticated” or whatever.

BTW: Being able to make people laugh is a gift. It has nothing to do with sexual identity. It has everything to do with being able to bring some happiness to life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 29, 2011 0 comment

What Happens When Therapy Isn’t An Option?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 6th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been in therapy since I was seven. Starting with bipolar, anxiety, insomnia and now including borderline pd, avoidant pd, and PTSD. I work very hard to provide myself with an environment that is healthy and from the outside I live the ideal life.

Unfortunately, I continue to live with a lot of demons and anger that I literally can’t express without screaming, crying, and cursing. I work excruciatingly hard to keep it inside of me because I am so afraid of what will happen when people find out what a monster I am.

My question begins here. I had been with one therapist for eight years without me ever being able to touch the topic seriously. One day, I completely lost it on them. I let everything out. I was my absolute worst, but in reality no one had ever witnessed a truer me. They told me though that that was the last time we would ever speak. I then tried to kill myself. This happened this year.

I can’t believe that even someone I was paying to help me couldn’t handle my monster. The consequence has been my hatred for psychologists, psychiatrists, and basically anything associated. I know its kind of ironic that I’m asking for your advice but I thought it would be easier because you can’t see my face. I don’t know what to do. What does an extremely troubled girl do when everyone becomes the enemy? I want to note that I have been drifting from therapist from therapist in search of a “fit” and it only makes me sadder and angrier. I’m in between a bullet and a target and that bullet is looking very good.

You may be misinterpreting what happened in the therapy session. As you stated, you were in counseling for eight years but were not sincere with your therapist. Perhaps, when you “lost it,” the therapist realized that you had been withholding important personal information and no longer believed that he or she could help you. It’s not uncommon for a therapist to refer his or her patients to other mental health professionals when they feel as though they can no longer be of assistance. Please don’t misunderstand. I’m not defending the therapist. I’m suggesting that you may have misinterpreted the event. It is a realistic possibility.

It’s understandable that you would lose confidence in your therapist but your opinion about one mental health professional should not extend to all mental health professionals. Therapists do not limit their patient clientele. Most therapists are willing to work with virtually anyone, no matter what the nature of their problems. Therapists work with sex offenders, rapists, murderers, etc.

You need to recognize the fact that everyone is not the enemy. Therapists have chosen to enter a helping profession. Someone who is willing and sincere in their efforts to help you is by definition your friend and not your enemy.

It is not acceptable to believe that suicide is a solution to your problems. It is instead a sign of depression. Viewed from a purely logical perspective, the consideration of suicide doesn’t make sense. Your perception of the situation is that you have tried therapy for many years and it has not been effective. You are in essence saying “why bother? I’ve tried it and nothing works” but your perception of the situation is inaccurate. The reality is that you withheld your true self, your deeper problems, your real issues from your therapist. That’s OK, because it does take some people a long time to trust a therapist with their deepest thoughts, the most vulnerable parts of their being. You can’t blame the therapy process for the fact that you withheld parts of you, important parts, from the therapist. Don’t blame yourself either. Blame the nature of your psychological problem. In actuality, I believe you had a breakthrough when you “completely lost it on them.” I have had similar moments, sessions, with my own clients. It was an important part of their therapy and the pathway to their healing.

I would strongly urge you to reconsider therapy. By your own admission you were not sincere with the therapist. It is very difficult to effectively help a client when he or she withholds information. I understand that you may be weary of therapists but this is not necessarily a bad thing. One should be choosy about his or her therapist. You should only work with a therapist who is competent and who has a successful track record of helping individuals with similar problems. Not just any therapist will do; it has to be the right therapist.

Please understand that suicide is never the answer. If you’re considering suicide you should go to the emergency room immediately or call 911. You should also have your possession the phone number to the national suicide hotline: 800-237-8255. Please take care. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

November 29, 2010 0 comment

Am I Mentally Ill?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 27th, 2019

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know I’m only 16 but the reason I’m sending this in here is because I’m afraid of not being taken seriously by anyone close to me I talk to because of my age.

I haven’t been diagnosed but I have suffered from depression for the last year – I don’t feel a diagnosis or talking to a counselor would help and I don’t want to worry my mother by telling her and seeming melo-dramatic etc.

I’ve learnt to get along with feeling sad most of the time, though sometimes I can’t explain my behavior to. I’ve always been very eccentric especially when with friends, though I enjoy being alone much more than being with friends as I enjoy my own company and find it easier to cope when not in front of people (I often find myself crying or bursting out at those around me when around people for too long – I can’t handle intimacy.)

Throughout the last three months things have gotten much better but at the same time much worse. My bouts of depression have become mellower – but lasting for longer and progressively build up (During abouts three weeks) and by the end I completely isolate myself, cannot handle any form of face to face communication and feel suicidal. This severe stage lasts for about two days then within minutes I will literally be happy as ever and stay this way for about a day. I know this sounds like I’m bipolar but I feel I can deal with that – I’m not going to do anything rash, doing that to my family wouldn’t be fair.

It’s the other changes in my mind I can’t deal with. I’ve always had nightmares like every other person but over the last couple of months they have gotten to really worry me. One night I was dreaming of being strangled to death by someone I couldn’t see in my bedroom and woke up to find MY hands gripping my throat. This has happened a few times since but has not been an overwhelming worry as it’s happening less and less. It is at night time when I’m worried the most though. I have constant trouble getting to sleep at a decent time even when in bed for hours (it’s now getting in the way with school work) as I’m up all night in bed scared to fall asleep in case I’m attacked by something. Recently I’ve been full on hallucinating which is really what has driven me to do something about what’s going on.

There was a woman lying next to me the other night, I could literally feel her next to me and hear her plain as day when she said “You don’t have to do it”. There have been other times when I see reflections of myself moving in the reflection of my tv when I’m sitting dead still in my bed. I’ve since started sleeping with a lamp on.

I just want to know what I should do, I implied my night terrors and the happenings to my mum and she didn’t take me seriously. I only wanted to know what she thought I should do.

Letting things get worse is the last thing I want to do, but I don’t want to over react and worry everyone and suddenly proclaim I’m unstable. I know I have tendencies to be, but that’s my business. Is there anything you would suggest to help me? What’s wrong with me? And how can I stop it?

You believe that asking for help is not necessary. You don’t think it would be beneficial and you worry that it could make you seem melodramatic. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to ask for help but it would be ill-advised to rule it out.

You also mention that you “implied” to your mother that you are having problems. She didn’t take you seriously. I’m not certain what you meant by the term implied but I take it to mean that you did not provide her with many details about your issues. Perhaps she did not take you seriously because you withheld many important facts from her. I suspect that you did not tell her the full truth. If you were to speak to her and tell her exactly what you are experiencing then she may take you seriously. I would strongly encourage you to do this. If she does not know that there is a problem then it is going to be difficult for her to provide you adequate help.

I think counseling would be very beneficial to you. You should consider it. As you mention in some ways you are able to handle your problems but on the other hand they seem to be getting worse. When you have bouts of depression they last longer than they used to and are more severe. The periods of depression also include thoughts of suicide. These are signs that help is needed.

I’m also concerned with your sleep disturbances and hallucinations. The hallucinations may be related to the inability to sleep but it also may signify an underlying mental health disorder. The only way to know what is in fact occurring is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. A sleep study may also be in order.

It is encouraging that you have periods in your life when you feel good. Ultimately you’d want to have only periods of positivity and happiness and to eliminate the bouts of depression. It is not unusual for individuals to feel sadness from time to time. Those feelings happen to everyone and are relatively normal. It is not normal or healthy to have extended periods of depression that are characterized by suicidal thinking. That is why it is important that you consider counseling.

You asked about what you can do to address your problems and I believe the best course of action would be to speak to your mother. Have an honest conversation with her about what you are struggling with. Don’t imply what you’re problems are, tell her the complete truth. Maybe then she would take you seriously and get you the help that you need and deserve. Thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck.

December 20, 2009 0 comment