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Am I Addicted to Therapy?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 19th, 2023

Q. How do I figure out how long is TOO long to be seeing a therapist for? Are there books written on the subject of people becoming addicted to their therapist, or therapy? I have been seeing my therapist (a psychologist) for 3 years now, and I feel so blessed to have her as a part of my life. I just find at times that I feel panicky just before leaving a session. (My therapist is aware of this…) I started seeing her after just losing a job, realizing I was turning into my mom, (not a good thing) and in short, for depression and anxiety. We are doing psychotherapy, which I understand, can take years. I am a very curious and philosophical person, digging for truth. Books and info are good. Thanks.

I know of no book that can advise you on how long you should stay in therapy. The only person who knows how long you should stay in therapy is you and your therapist. You should stay in therapy for however long you and your therapist believe it is necessary and beneficial. Additionally, I would dispute the fact you are addicted to therapy. If you feel you need therapy, and stay in therapy because it is helpful and it helps you grow into a healthy human being, then you are making an extremely smart decision to stay in therapy. This is not an addiction—it’s a smart decision. From my perspective, there is no correct or definitive time limit or time frame for how long a person should be in therapy. How long therapy should last will vary from person to person. The truth is that it can take many, many years to help an individual overcome problems or issues. The idea that a person can and should overcome depression, for example, in 20 sessions (the amount of sessions the average insurance company will authorize per year) is purely arbitrary. The truth is that it depends. Some individuals can overcome depression in 20 sessions but most others cannot. If you can afford it and you have a therapist that you like, then I would advise you stay in therapy for as long as you think it is helpful to you. Many famous people have been in therapy for more than 20 years. We are not talking about mentally ill individuals who cannot stop therapy but persons who are highly productive and functioning at a high level. When interviewed these people state that they in therapy because they are progressing. They are there by choice and find it to be the factor that has helped them to succeed in life, not merely function in life. Most persons follow a Personal Discomfort approach to counseling or therapy. This means that they started their therapy because they chose to. No one forced them to start (i.e. law enforcement or the courts). They will stay in therapy as long as they feel that they are benefiting. If they feel that therapy is beneficial they will continue. If they feel that it is no longer of benefit they will quit, even if their therapist feels they should not. I hope this has helped in some small way. Take care.

July 19, 2023 0 comment

I Can’t Have Relationships

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 7th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Okay, so, here it goes: I can’t talk to people, I can’t relate to anyone, I can’t have long lasting friendships or a steady boyfriend or anything. The only relationships I can keep are familial ones.

I get really anxious when I hang out with people, and unless they’re close with me I won’t tell them anything personal. I barely tell my own mother anything personal. I like to keep to myself, but sometimes I really need someone to talk to and let it all out. And I have no one I can do that with– and it’s all because of me. I just can’t trust another human being. I always feel like everyone is judging me, whenever I say something I feel like it was stupid (even though it probably wasn’t) and I shouldn’t have said it, so then I just turn quiet and even though I know I should keep talking I get too scared of saying something else that could be potentially embarrassing. And even if no one is judging me, or mocking me or whatever it is that I’m scared of, the possibility that they might is enough to make me want to lock myself in my room and never come out.

I never had a serious relationship. The closest thing to one lasted a couple months and ended in disaster because I just couldn’t handle it. The second we were a couple I wanted out (but I wouldn’t break up with him, I waited until he got fed up enough to break up with me), and the second we weren’t I regretted not being able to be a good girlfriend. But men/sex (notice how they’re grouped together?) freak me out. I’m not a virgin, but the few times I’ve had sex I was intoxicated. Otherwise I feel too vulnerable, and I can’t make myself go through with it. And men, even if we’re just having an innocent conversation, in the back of my mind I think they want to have sex with me, if that makes any sense. So they scare me, because sex scares me (which sounds freakin’ nuts, I know), and to me that’s all a guy cares about.

And my Ex even told me he wasn’t going to rush things, that he wasn’t going to make me do anything I didn’t want to, but I STILL couldn’t be alone with him or be really intimate. I just kept thinking he was going to take advantage of me, because he’s a guy and that’s what they do.

I don’t know why I think like this, but I do know that I want it to stop. I want a boyfriend. I want to be able to be intimate with someone without being intoxicated. I want to be able to hang out with my friends without constantly worrying whether they really like me, or what they’re really thinking, or worrying whether I sound stupid or looked stupid. I want to be able to depend on others.

But the entire idea has me hyperventilating.

Please, help me. Help me understand why I’m like this, or what I can do, or something. I’ll take anything at this point, because the more I try to ignore it, the worse it gets.

So, please help me!

There seem to be two overarching issues: your inability to trust others and low self-esteem and self-confidence. Your inability to trust others is a multifaceted issue. You feel as though you cannot relate to other people. This ‘feeling’ may inhibit your ability to connect to others. It may be similar to a self-fulfilling prophecy: you believe that you cannot connect with others and thus act in a manner that is consistent with your perceived self-image. This may have been the case with your ex. In this example, the second you two became a couple you behaved (as per your letter) in a manner that essentially drove him to break up with you. That is self-sabotage.

Another possibility is that fear is holding you back. Whenever someone becomes too close it frightens you. The reasons for this may be related to trust issues. It may also be related to anxiety. As you mentioned, you are constantly focused on what other people think of you. This focus may be altering your behavior in the presence of others. Fear of what others think of you may be prohibiting the development of your authentic self.

I mentioned the possibility of having low self-esteem. Many confident individuals seem to be immune to the opinions of others. When an individual is confident about his- or herself and his or her abilities, what other people think of them is of little or no importance.

If I were interviewing you in person, I would inquire about a history of abuse. Some of the issues that you are struggling with are consistent with an individual who has a history of sexual, emotional or physical abuse. Individuals who have been abused often fear intimacy.

What is very positive about your letter is that you recognize there is a problem and are highly motivated to change. This makes you a perfect candidate for therapy. I would recommend finding a good therapist to help you deal with your relationship, intimacy and self-esteem issues. Those are among the most common reasons why individuals enter therapy. You can locate a therapist by clicking on the find help tab at the top of this page. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

August 7, 2021 0 comment

Confused with Sexuality – Something’s Not Right

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 15th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve tried to ignore this for a long time. I wrote it off as some sort of shallow insecurity or maybe just something that’s a phase, like when you were 15 years old and you go through that brief ‘suicidal phase’ or something ridiculous like that. But now I’m twenty-years old, and this isn’t going away. It’s getting worse and its starting to hurt other people because of my confusion.

I’m naturally a very logical person, so when these emotions come up, I don’t know how to deal with them. I’m not sure how to talk to someone about this. It’s very personal, but I’m not sure what to do anymore.

I have a lot to tell, honestly. I was diagnosed with cancer when I was 15, and the battle lasted until I was 17, so I missed some crucial social milestones. I moved away from my sisters during that time and didn’t attend school. I suppose my only form of social interaction with a massive multiplayer online game. I can literally say that that game saved my life. It kept me active, and it allowed me to access a social world where I wouldn’t be judged or treated differently because no one knew I was sick.

I’m an artist and a writer, and I am heavy into escaping and role-playing in games and my writing. It’s been extremely beneficial to me and my life to improve on my creativity. As a result I can say that I enjoy fantasizing and creating worlds in my writing. I’ve been doing so ever since I was young.

I suppose that’s where I can get into the heart of my confusion.

All my writing and escaping characters are males. I feel the most comfortable when writing or playing male characters, and oddly enough I’ve always as a kid pretending to be a man too. I’ve always been a tomboy, but now it’s just more comfortable when I can escape to it fully. In reality, I’m only ‘attracted’ to males that aren’t real, like a video game character. But if I’m fantasizing or writing, I never imagine myself with the character, I’m always the character himself. I don’t even dream ‘myself’—I’m always a male then too. And in real life I don’t have any attraction to the male sex at all. I don’t want them to touch me; I can’t even imagine being with someone male, and yet when it comes to the female sex I can imagine being with them as myself. But I’d just rather be a man and be with a woman then be a woman with a woman. But imaginings aside, I have no desire to engage in sexual interactions. There have been times when I’ve been given the opportunity to ‘fool around’ but I don’t personally feel anything if I do. It’s just a stupid action to me.

I don’t have problems connecting to people. It’s not like I want to be alone. I can fall in love with anyone, man or woman, and have before. But sexually nothing feels right because I don’t feel right with whom I am. I’m think I am attracted to men, but then I realize I just want to BE him. I’m not even sure if I am interested sexually in anyone. My only outlet to expressing what I feel, who I am, and who want to be and should be is through my writing, and out here, it just feels so wrong.

I’m starting to hurt men in relationships, because I’m expected to be with men. I’ve never dated a woman or anything, or even experimented, but I just can’t connect with any of the guys I’ve dated, even though I really like them as a person, and we go great together. I have to call it off because I can’t be with them, and I know it’s frustrating for them. I have to call it off because they want and expect more than I can give them, and that’s a horrible feeling. I don’t feel comfortable with my own body to give it to someone, I guess.

I don’t know whom I should talk to, but I’m not sure who would understand. It’s VERY confusing, even to me, and I wrote this the best I could. I’m not sure what I’m looking for in an answer. I’m not sure if I’m just over-thinking or if this is a real issue.

This is a real issue because it has been given much thought, and there is still an unsettled sense about it.

There are many factors that you have mentioned that may have contributed to this confusion, but between the cancer treatment, your creativity, and the limited social experiences it makes sense that there would be a gap, or lag in your identity development.

I would begin with an individual therapist on a regular basis to start sorting through what underlying issues are, that I suspect have not been explored. The find help tab at the top of the page will give you the names of some people in your area.

I would also begin to expand my social world by attending (actual not virtual) groups where like-minded folks gather. At 20 I would encourage you to start honing your writing craft. Begin taking classes with other students looking to write in your genre. This will give you a chance to make connections with others socially and intellectually, and let the sexuality and gender identity concern get sorted out over time.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

June 23, 2011 0 comment

Son has verbally abusive coach

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 18th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My 10 year old plays in a competitive basketball league where a father of one of the kids became a coach. My son who has some natural talent and a love for the game is feeling afraid to make a mistake. The circumstances of how he became a coach were a surprise. The parents were told that no parents would be allowed to coach because it was a conflict of interest. But he was allowed to coach. He literally dismissed the real head coach during practice in front of the kids and the head coach backed off and stopped coming to practice altogether.
The other part of this is that the coach is one of my best friend’s husband. They are having major difficulty with their teenage son and maritally. I have given him the benefit of the doubt repeatedly because of this.

The bottom line is that my kid is unhappy because coach yells at him and and is very controlling about what he is allowed to do when he is in the game. He feels treated unfairly and is so tentative that he is not improving his game. Furthermore, I am afraid he is traumatized due to the treatment by this coach. At the game this weekend the coach threw his clipboard and stomped his feet, he was yelling at one of the kids who was sobbing on the bench. It is so difficult to watch. Also, he plays his son for the whole game! His son is not anymore skilled than the rest of the kids. The parents of the other team members are furious and feel he mistreats the kids.

I can’t help but feel that he has something personal against me. He once told his wife he thought we were having an affair!!! Nothing could be farther from the truth. I wonder if he is manipulating me and my kid to drive a wedge between his son and my son who are friends and a wedge between me and my friend, by treating my son unfairly. My son said he doesn’t want to be friends with the kid anymore.

The things my friend tells me make me wonder if he has a personality disorder. He barely speaks to anyone unless he is spoken to, he is petrified of his wife leaving him, he is described as hard to get along with by others, he is very moody happy one minute and miserable the next, he once told his wife at a family gathering that we ( me and my friend) had a look in our eyes and he was going to be watching us (we were dancing to the TV with the kids), he got in a wrestling match with his teenager as a result of a disagreement which my son witnessed. My son then was trying to protect his friend from the brother when he came after him. The coach’s son is best friends with my son. Also,I told her one day he was surprised when I asked to talk to him, she said oh great he will be watching you again. What is that?!

Mainly the anxiety and the controversy he is causing is very intense. He has all the parents up in arms and no one wants to speak up for fear that he will punish the kids.

He is damaging the self esteem of all the kids by being really controlling about how they play and by hollering at them. His body language also spells disgust, he flails his arms and pulls the kid immediately after they make a mistake with the exception of his son and the other kid whom he favors.

I asked him what my kid was doing wrong one day at practice (how pathetic is that)and he said he gets down on himself just like all the other kids except his son and one other kid who plays all the time. So his perception is there is something wrong with the kids– not his technique.

He is causing me grief with my child and with my good friend. I don’t know if I should report him or try to talk to him. I want to avoid my friend now too.

I’m concerned that you are allowing the many complicated and difficult considerations in this painful situation to distract you from the most important thing: kids are being verbally and emotionally abused. Whatever else is going on in his life; however troubled this guy may be; regardless of friendships; etc. the bottom line for all the parents ought to be that their kids are being hurt. They are getting a model of adult male behavior that is detrimental to their emotional growth and, most distressing of all, they are learning that their parents are helpless to protect them.

This coach can’t run off the head coach unless that coach and you parents let him. The league is run by somebody. It’s long past time for the parents to get organized, approach the sponsoring organization, and bench this fellow. There’s strength in numbers. He can’t blame you if most of the parents stick together.

Thank him for trying to coach if it will make things go down easier but by all means let him know that his behavior is neither sportsman-like nor healthy for growing children. If you don’t get cooperation from the league, walk. Better to take the rest of the season off, if necessary, than to let the kids be subjected to this stuff one more day. Kids have played pick-up games for generations. It won’t hurt them to play for the fun of it instead of a trophy for what’s left of the season if it comes down to that. Over the summer, you parents can regroup and figure out how to give your kids the positive experience with basketball they deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 11, 2009 0 comment