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Phone Calls

Cheating Boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 12, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have dated my boyfriend for 2 years. He is 20 years old and is the same age as me. We never really had the dating situation, we just moved in together. He moved in with me at our home town. Now we are living across Canada together so he can work.

While we were home for Christmas he took off on me for a week. He went to his mother’s and didn’t answer my phone calls or texts. I was going crazy, I didn’t know what I did and I became very sick. I was puking 3 times a day, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and was just so confused and devastated. I then got a text from him saying he thought we should be done and how we fought all the time and he didn’t think we should be together.

During this week he hung out with another girl. She is 18 years old.. well after the week was up he came back up to my home town and explained he wanted me back and how he loved me. He cried and I told him I didn’t trust him since he just took off on me and then was with her??? He told me they only hung out once and that they were just friends. I BELIEVED HIM..
so here I am back out west 52 hr drive away from my hometown. and I find text messages on his phone with her. He had called her babe and vise versa.. they hung out several times, and he told her he liked her and he basically tried to get in her pants BIG TIME. I confronted him about the messages and he tells me “nothing happened”.So now I know I’m dating a liar
Do you think he will change and not do something like this again? We have a place together, a dog and our own life. I don’t understand what he was thinking. This guy has done everything for me, if i need help financially he helps me, I don’t have a vehicle but he has given me one to use. Without him i would have to move back into my mothers and figure my life out. There is no work where my mom lives because it’s such a small town.

I have no one really since I have been out west for 8 months my friends from home have all moved on with their lives. My father has a drug and addiction problem and constantly is asking me for $, he also cheated on my mom a lot until i begged her to leave him. Why is it that this guy I’m with cheated on me and I can’t seem to let him go???? Do you think he will ever change??

The two of you didn’t date, grow into love, and then decide to have a future together. Instead, you kind of slid into living together – without talking about what it meant to each of you. At Christmas, he acted out his ambivalence about whether he is really ready to be in a committed relationship and cheated. This was neither mature nor caring. A question at this point is whether he is with you because he found out that he really does love you or if he got scared about the idea of putting himself back into the dating scene and is back to you because you are familiar.

Meanwhile, you seem to be in the relationship primarily because you don’t know what else to do and don’t see options for yourself. In addition, you have grown up observing your mother put up with cheating and addiction. In a sad way, you too may be opting for the familiar instead of putting yourself out there to find someone who you can love whole-heartedly. Unless you do some solid personal work, you could end up living some version of your mother’s life.

Although you and your boyfriend have been good friends for each other, neither of you seems to be ready to make the unconditional, loving commitment that living together and making a life requires.

Please consider taking a big step back. There are worse things than going back to live with your mom for awhile (like spending the next 10 years with the wrong person). If you can’t find work, it may be because you don’t have the education or experience you need. If that’s the case, figure out what to do about it. Get some schooling or do some volunteer work or an internship to make yourself more marketable. You might check back with counselors at your old high school to get some ideas.

Canada is a big place. There are good schools and good opportunities throughout the country. You don’t need to be stuck in a shaky relationship to make your way in the world. As you said, you need to figure yourself out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 12, 2021 0 comments

Boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 25, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend of 3 months broke up with me a week ago and I’m trying to figure some things out.

He is shy and reserved, while I am more outgoing. During our relationship, everytime we would get to a point where everything was great, he would pull back, like he was afraid of something. During this time his father and I got to know each other very well and developed a nice friendship where I was able to speak openly with him. He told me that my boyfriend’s mom was the same way, just give it time.

We finally got to a point on our last date where we were closer than we had ever been (never sexually). It was as though our relationship…our closeness…had reached a new peak…as though he had gotten over his “hang up”……like he was a whole new person….that evening, we continued texting eachother, and telling eachother how much we were in love with eachother.

Then the next day he pulled WAAAYYY back. Didnt answer my text messages or phone calls, then when he did start replying it was only occasionally and he didnt really seem like he wanted to see me. We saw eachother a week later and while it was wonderful being with him we seemed a little distant when we said goodnight…..

4 days later, he broke up with me and I was devastated. He had been telling me that he loved me, then suddenly said he didn’t. I asked him to look me in the eyes and tell me he didnt really love me, but he couldnt even look at me. He was crying(a little), as was I(a lot)…..

Later that same night we began texting again…..he said “please remember I still love you.”….and that all this was because “I(he) was stupid and didnt want a relationship for some stupid reason.” (the way I read that…between the lines… he is saying he made a mistake…thoughts?)

The next night we were back to texting just as we were when we first began dating. He was flirting with me again and we were arguing over who was more adorable….and it seemed like maybe we were on our way back……then I told him how there was this guy who wanted to date me, but I didnt want to see him because there was this other guy who gave me butterflies whenever I was near him….he cut me off and said “you give me butterflies too…”…..I thought that was very sweet and we were surely going to work this out.

Then I asked him if he wanted me to get over him, and he said “noooooooooo.” But the next day he said he just wanted to be “friends”…..and when I questioned him about that, asked him why he would want to be friends yet not want me to get over him…..he replied..”why do we have to get over eachother just because we’re not going out?” When I see that reply, to me it also means he is not over me. When I look back at this past week, its as though he says he wants to be friends, but then says other things to make it seem as though he cares for me on another level….as more than friends

During all this time, his friends and his father have said that he seems happiest when he is with me, and aside from the fact that his father said his mother was the same way(fears of reationships and getting too close), no one can really understand it.

I truly love him and would like to have a future with him, but I am at the end of my rope. His father is willing to help as well. Is there anything I or his father can do or say to him to help him overcome his relationship fear issues and give our relationship a fair shot to see if it really is right?

One of the many great unfairnesses of nature is that girls are often ready for relationships far earlier than boys. My guess is that your guy really likes you but isn’t as ready as you are to take the steps toward a deeper or more exclusive relationship. This has nothing to do with how his mother was as an adult. His dad should know better than to get involved on this level with his teenager’s relationships.

My best suggestion to you is that you slow way, way down. Enjoy your friendship with this fellow and let that friendship deepen and mature. Do fun things together. Hang out with each other’s friends and families. Figure out what you have in common and enjoy it.

Don’t talk about romance. Don’t ask him to swear his love and devotion. That stuff belongs in movies and in relationships that are much further along than yours. If this relationship is meant to be, it will unfold naturally.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 25, 2021 0 comments

Work as Avoidance Technique

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 30, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband of 21 years has a very stressful job. Up until 2 years ago he was able to balance extensive travel and time home with myself and our 3 children. Our sex life was basically normal, once a week or so. Rock solid marriage. But one day I realized it had been over a month and we had not made love. So one night we tried and realized my husband was unable to have an erection. Not alarming, but not normal. So we tried again 2 days later and the same results. He was 44 at the time. Thinking he was suffering from a medical issue he went to a urologist who just prescribed Viagra. Another doctor tested for testosterone, all normal. I know now that its in his head. We have always had an issue in our marriage for early ejaculation and just never addressed it just dealt with it.

The problem is after two years he has completely pulled away from me in every way physically. No touching, hand holding, kissing and certainly no sex. I blame his job his bosses never compliment, always second-guess and criticize. He tells me when there are big confrontations that he is able to compartmentalize and that is what he has done with our sex life. He says he doesn’t think about it. What does that mean? I know he is afraid to try again in case he fails and I say how will we know will unless we try.

His solution is to travel and be away even more from the family. To the point he is gone all week and is now starting to leave on Sundays. When he is home he really isn’t. He is distant, doesn’t talk to me or the kids, sleeps all the time, his mind is always on the job. He answers phone calls and runs into the office constantly. He is a regional manager and is in charge of 11 facilities. Busy, busy man with lots of responsibilities. How can I help him understand that he is running away and not wanting to deal with the issues of just being a human being. Says he doesn’t believe in counseling not sure I could get him to go. I do believe he still cares but not sure.

I think your analysis of the situation is correct. Your husband’s fears about not being able to perform are bigger than his concern for his 21 year marriage. Imagine how big those fears must be! The doctors who were trying to help weren’t helpful in that they treated the physical problem without taking into account the emotional message of their interventions. I wish they had talked to him about how normal it is for a man who is under lots of pressure to have trouble performing. I wish they had included you in the discussions.

You probably can’t help him understand that he is running away. At this point, he’s had 10 years of believing that whatever is wrong can’t be fixed. For that reason, I think it would be more helpful for you to start going to a therapist yourself — not because I think you are the patient here but because your relationship is in trouble. When one member of a couple has a problem, the couple has a problem. When one member of a couple starts to go to therapy and starts learning new ways to manage stress, it shows. Often that makes the other member of the couple willing to give it a try. Work with a therapist who can hear your whole story and who can give you suggestions about how to approach your husband in new ways.

You’ve done what you can on your own. Your husband is a lucky man indeed to have a wife who is as understanding and as willing to help as you are. But both you and your husband are missing out on the intimacy that is a special part of a long marriage. For that reason, I encourage you to make an appointment and get started with therapy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 30, 2021 0 comments

Girlfriend Wants Some Space

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 26, 2011

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2 months, w met through a mutual friend, we kind of met each at a very stressful time in her life, we met while she was in the middle moving from tallahassee to gainesville which is 2 and a half hours away, she is also the oldest of five siblings who look to her for everything as far as help goes, and she recently had a fall out with her sister who recently just had a baby, but everything up to this point has been great we go out to dinner, lunch, or breakfast, we hang out, we talk bout the things we are oing to do when she comes back to town to visit or when i come to town to visit but now all of a sudden she doesnt answer her phone calls or text, so naturally i think she doesnt want to talk to me, so i stop calling and texting, so then one day she pops up at my house, and she asks why im acting funny, i told her i didnt know u wanted nto talk, i call you and text you but you dont text back she looks at me confuse an says “i dont answer alot of my calls and text and thst there was a reason for that” “i have alot of stress i my life” I told her i understood. She then goes on to tell me “she felt like i was putting her on the backburner” So we talk so more and she leaves. Then later on that night I told her that I was sorry if she felt I was acting “funny” toward her, She says “its cool” and that she “would to have the right to her own space” I was shocked and told her “ok if thats what you want” she texts back ” thanks for understanding” What do i do now is she not interested in me anymore, or is she cheating, and how do she goes from us planning things in the future to her needing her space.

It is difficult to know what is happening with your girlfriend. From what you have described, there is no clear evidence of cheating. However, it cannot be ruled out. It may be that she is unsure of what she wants at this time. Her confusion might primarily stem from the fact that she seems to be in a transitional period in her life.

Miscommunication may be at the heart of your relationship problems. For example, she thinks that you have relegated her to the “back burner.” In other words, she does not feel as though she is an important part of your life. If that is not your intention, then something is amiss.

You need to have an honest conversation with her about the status of the relationship. It can give you a clearer understanding of how to proceed. Tell her that you are confused. Let her know that you were under the impression that you and she were dating but that she is now sending mixed messages.

Clear communication is an important aspect of every relationship. It is a good habit to develop early in the relationship. Without it there will likely be problems.

Do you want to be involved with someone who creates the rules of the relationship without considering you? She believes that she has the right to answer your texts and calls only when and if she wants to. She thinks that her behavior is fine. She wants her space.

Yet when you give her space and stop calling her, she complains about it. Most people want, expect and deserve a response to their messages — oral or written.

If you need additional guidance, you may want to consult a therapist. A few sessions with a therapist might help you to know how to handle this situation. The “find help” tab, at the top of the page, can help you locate a mental health professional in your community.

Dr. Kristina Randle

September 26, 2011 0 comments

Moods swinging violently from hysterical to listless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 9, 2010

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have very little memory of how I behave from day to day with no control of my mood swings.

As a background, I was made redundant almost 4 months ago, and have since been finding it very hard to find another job. At around 19 (I am now 25) I was diagnosed with depression, and placed on medication, the dose of which went up for some time. I attempted suicide twice, but seemed to be over this from around the age of 22, and have had little trouble with it since, and other difficult periods in my life (similar to the stage I am at now) have not caused my moods to change so. I live with my boyfriend of several years, who has tried quite hard to deal with my moods, but is understandably now suggesting that I get some kind of professional help.

Recently, I have found myself to spend much of my time feeling helpless, listless, unwilling to leave the house, finding it difficult to make simple phone calls etc. I spend a lot of time alone during the day, and understand from my previous episode of depression, that these are classic symptoms. However, unlike during my previous experiences with depression, my moods tend to vary dramatically between this “depression”, and hysteria, frightening anger, hyperactivity and fitful tears. None of this I have any control over. I have considered the possibility of a mood disorder, but my more “manic” episodes do not last for more than a few hours at a time, and I do not tend to spend wildly, or engage in outrageous behaviour with strangers- I am still quite insular. My hysteria is primarily aimed at my boyfriend and close friends and family. I also have prolonged periods of “normal” feeling and behaviour, thankfully, where I can look back at my actions, and see how irrationally I have behaved.

One major concern, and a huge cause of disharmony in our lives, is that I seem to have little or no lasting memory of how I have either felt or behaved. My boyfriend will suggest that I have been behaving hysterically for 5 of the last 7 days, and I will only remember perhaps one incident, and almost never remember what it was that caused the argument (which is the outcome of many of my irrational moments). I have been insisting for some time that my boyfriend must have been making up some of these arguments, or that he must be doing something, something I have been unable to put my finger on, in order to enrage me so. His constant insistence that he’d “done nothing wrong” seemed to upset me more, as I could not believe that I was reacting like this without provocation. Of course, my rational side realizes that he doesn’t have any reason to make me feel like I am insane by making this up.

When I am in one of these hysterical moods, I am always fully confident that I am right- that whatever wild point I’m making is correct.

I am still not sure whether I am depressed, but for some reason behaving like a spoiled, crazy toddler, or if there is something more wrong? I would like to get help, but it takes so long in the UK, and when hysterical, can’t organise myself to get to an appointment, and when miserable, am very reluctant to leave the house, or even call to make an appointment.

I am sorry that you are feeling so unsteady emotionally. The mood swings sound like they are very disregulating and I appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Three things jump out at me right away. The first is that you seem to have a boyfriend in your life that really cares about you and wants you to feel better. This is a very good thing, and I would draw on this relationship to help you get to a better place. I would ask him to help you by planning a time for him to be with you to make the call. I do know that in the UK the appointments can take time, but I also know that nothing will happen if we don’t get one nudged onto the menu. Ask him to help you make the call.

Secondly, I would make the call for a psychiatrist to do the evalation because my guess is that you want someone with experience in prescribing medicine for mood swings. Naturally I am a proponent of talk therapy, but my guess is that to make the kind of changes you want both medicine and therapy will be necessary.

Finally, I would start keeping a journal. A brief daily journal that would allow you to write down both what has happened (this will help with your memory,) and what your feelings are –so the psychiatrist might be able to discern if there is a cycle or a pattern to your mood swings.

I think if you take these steps you may be able to find out what is underneath all of this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

December 9, 2010 0 comments