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Is My Mom Abusing Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 12 year old girl in Lithuania: I can’t tell if my mom is abusing me or if I’m just overreacting. My mom is a normal mom but whenever she gets mad she cusses, hits or ignores me. She calls me bitch, a piece of sh-t, an idiot, and more. However, when she’s on Instagram or in front of other people, she acts as if she never calls me names or stuff.

One time, I was going from school to home with mom and she got mad because she wanted me to pick up my little sister from school but I couldn’t. She went back to school, took all my belongings, and hit me in the car to force me to get me out. I got out of the car and she drove off. I live far from home so I had to call my dad from work to go back home after waiting outside for 3 hours, and it was cold, I didn’t have any jacket on. When I told this to my bestie, she said my mom seems immature and I needed help. But I couldn’t afford to see a therapist without my parents knowing it.

My dads always fighting for me when mom’s out of control, but mom hits him too and when he’s not there I can’t do anything else. When I got my final grades, it was written that I was late once. My mom went crazy and yelling names at me and saying that I’m a hybrid that skips school whenever I felt like it, but I have never skipped school in my life.

My mom thinks she’s always right and she won’t listen to me. Sometimes she embarrasses me and my sister in front of people by yelling and going crazy because again, she was just mad at something else. So basically she just uses me as a stress relieving material whenever she’s mad.

These days I wanna kill myself so I can get rid of her but I get scared attempting. She expects too much from me. I’m scared to tell her my feelings because last time I told her my feelings she got mad. What do I do?

You are not over-reacting. Your mom knows she is doing something wrong or she wouldn’t act differently when she is in public. Your dad knows something is wrong or he wouldn’t be taking your side when he witnesses these episodes. No kid deserves to be hit and called names by the parent who is supposed to love and protect them.

I can’t know if your mother is ill, over-stressed herself, has inadequate parenting skills or some combination. I do know that this has to stop. Your dad at least believes you but seems powerless to stop it. Your bestie is right. You (and your dad) need help.

Ask your dad if he will take the initiative to get you all into family therapy. If he can’t or won’t, do talk to a teacher or counselor you trust at school. School personnel often know of ways for kids like you to get some help.

In the meantime, stay out of your mom’s way. Get involved in activities that keep you busy after school. Do assignments in the library. Resist the temptation to argue with your mom. It will probably only make things worse. Instead, tell her you are sorry she feels that way and leave as gracefully as you can.

I hope your dad steps up and helps. If you think it would help, show him your letter and this response.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have a Personality Disorder?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 50 year old woman in the U.S.: Mother sexually abused by her father, had schizophrenia or 2-3 other personalities, and was abused by her aunt as a teen, not sexually, but sounds like all other ways. My dad abused me in every way I can remember, except sexually, but often wonder about it as I wet the bed until 8 years old and remember almost nothing before the start of kindergarten, and now at 50 yrs. old, some personality disorder (BPD/DID) just came outta nowhere with 5 personalities so far.

Family denies this abuse ever happened too! My husband seems to think I musta been sexually abused. I haven’t been able to trust any man in my life and always feel I’m being used just for sex or that there’s some other motive behind why they even wanna be with me. I remember my dad and mom having physical battles when a child due to him being a violent alcoholic who was hanging out in strip joints, which made mom really mad, and I now despise “strippers in general” to this day. I forbid my husband to enter such a place or I’ll leave him. I’ll never put up with that in my lifetime.

I’ve seen several doctors over the years, but nothing has ever helped. Attempted suicide 2 times in the past. Mom never seemed to like me much as the oldest child and I feared my dad. We haven’t talked in 3 years now.

Well before me, my husband worked as a bouncer in a strip joint and knocked up a few of them; 3 kids total. I wasn’t happy to hear this news, and now I get furious even if strippers come on a TV Movie we’re watching, but can’t figure out why? At 18, dad found out I was no longer a virgin, called me a slut, whore, and physically abused me, which was the last incident as I threatened to call the police.

My dad always compared my body to my mom’s too. My mom was chubby…I was a rock hard gymnast back then. My mom hated this and me over this. Got depression and bad anxiety now at 50. Prozac went from 20 mg up to 60 mg and doesn’t always work anymore.

Can sex abuse be ruled out? Any ideas about why I hate my parents so much and vice versa? You feel some personality disorder has started now at 50?

What a difficult, difficult history. I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of a letter, of course. But I can agree with you that you need and deserve treatment. Regardless of whether there was a specific incident of sexual abuse by your father (and there may have been), you have had repeated traumatic experiences. I’m very sorry you didn’t get some help for that a long time ago.

You didn’t mention whether you saw a psychologist for the diagnosis of DID. I hope so. You have a complicated and stressful background. Self-diagnosis is a good place to start. But you need it confirmed by a professional who can hear your whole story and who can help you make sense of your own very individual and specific responses to your history. I think you then need to work with a therapist who has experience with trauma.

You made an important step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. I hope you will follow through and get the evaluation and treatment you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Mom Is Cheating…What Do I Do?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: Hi, I know that my mother is cheating on my dad. A few months ago, my sister heard on the phone with another man. The way she spoke to him was an immediate red flag. My sister told me and I believed her. However, my mom denied it and called us both liars.

I feel like now is a good time to mention that my mother has been mentally and emotionally abusive towards all of us in the past and present, and physically abusive towards me in the past.

We let it go as we were sick of being called liars. Until recently, I have noticed that she will quickly leave the room when her cell phone rings and have hushed conversations on the phone. However, I have heard some of these conversations where she is telling someone that she loves them, calling them baby, etc. I have also found a Facebook page that she had liked and it is for single people. One man has also made a comment on one of her Facebook photos, calling her gorgeous and baby. In addition to this, I have noticed that she downloaded the Tinder app on her phone. When I asked her about it, she lied and said it was an app to look at clothing. Lastly, today, I was home with her. She went into the basement and I just so happened to go into the kitchen when she was on the phone. I heard her having phone s*x with this man, and I recorded it for proof. I believe that having proof is important in case this ever comes up again. This way, she cannot call my sister and I liars.

As for my dad, he is a great man. I have always been a daddy’s girl and not being able to talk to him about this is killing me. He has mentioned that he believes she is cheating. Although now that I have proof, I do not know how to deal with this. I have spoken with my sister about it, although she doesn’t know what to do either.

What should I do? How should I be feeling right now? Please help me. Thank you.

I get far too many letters like this one. The situation is awful for the kids involved. You shouldn’t be playing detective. It’s not your place to get involved with your parents’ relationship. But I do understand that you love your dad and don’t want to see him hurt. He already has suspicions, but he isn’t pursuing them. That leaves you wondering if he wants to know.

You have at least two choices: You could decide to ignore the situation and leave it to your folks to work out their problems. Your mother isn’t being subtle. Your dad will eventually catch on if he wants to.

Or — you could tell your mother what you know and let her know that she can tell your dad herself or you (and perhaps your sister) will tell him. I’m sure this won’t go over well but if is an option if you feel you can’t stand keeping silent. She has already shown you how she will respond. Be prepared for more of the same.

I can’t tell you what is best. You know the situation. You know your parents.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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A Lot of Factors Seemingly Contributing to a Poor Living of Life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As a child I loved reading and drawing. I was a smart student, but I thought the world was against me. I was picked on because of my skin color. And I think I must have been a bad child because I was hit a lot, but other than not participating in physical things, I don’t remember being bad.

I am now 32 and still feeling that the world is against me. I try to work hard everyday, I try to make friends with other people, I don’t drink or smoke or take drugs, and I keep generally physically healthy. I have had a tough relationship with my family as far back as I can remember. I also have a tough time making friends. People know me and they leave. I am generally not a happy person, I don’t think I know what true happiness feels like. I mostly feel worried, angry, nothing, sad, anxious, etc. I’ve fallen into severe depression a few times, and I’ve also been raped a number of times. I don’t feel like I’ve not worked as hard as others, however I have made very little progress in all areas of my life in comparison. I see everyone progressing in some aspect of life at least whether its meeting a life partner, or having a descent career, or having a great social life. I seem to be going backwards and no-where in all of these aspects no matter how hard I try.

Also in the last 4-5 years, my memories are fading quickly, and I do not remember much anymore. My brain is always numb and foggy, I tire quickly, it takes me forever to do anything, I get frustrated and give up so easily, I cannot focus, and I no longer care how I look.

I know I am hurting the few people still around me by these changes they see in me, and so they yell at me and berate me in the hopes that I will turn things around, but I feel like a ship at storm and am flailing. I feel like something must be very wrong with me, but I have no clue what. Any insights you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

There are two main areas that I would like to focus on in my response to your question. The first is that you have described symptoms that potentially indicate depression. You have had episodes of “severe depression” but there is no indication of treatment. The people trying to help you may be inadvertently making things worse. No wonder you feel like a “ship at storm.”

Sometimes our loved ones inadvertently do more harm than good. Family and friends can offer support and love, but they are not trained mental health professionals. We should not expect them to know how to solve complex life problems.

Depression should be treated by mental health professionals. A therapist will offer evidence-based ideas and solutions. They will not yell at you or berate you. They are knowledgeable, non-judgmental, kind, and supportive.

The second area of focus involves your thinking. You seem to be comparing yourself to the ever-abstract and ill-defined “other people” in society. It is simply inaccurate to compare yourself against people whose life circumstances you do not know.

Further complicating these matters is that many people have expectations about how they believe life is supposed to be. They compare themselves against a set of abstract standards and deem themselves as not being good enough. They incorrectly assume that other people are doing better than they are which naturally leads to feelings of inferiority, and so forth. This type of thinking is particularly prevalent among people with depression.

Social media adds to the struggle. People on social media often appear to be living perfect, trouble-free lives but that is far from the truth. It’s an illusion. Avoid overgeneralized thinking traps.

Treatment can help you to address these problems. Choose a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s the best type of treatment to address both depression and the thinking errors that accompany depression. Once your symptoms are treated and your thinking becomes more realistic, you will feel better and less stressed. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Mother’s Out-of-Control Emotional Abuse

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From India: I am married and now pregnant. I came to my mom’s house for delivery of my first baby. My eldest sister left her husband and is awaiting a divorce. My mom seems to be really disturbed by my sister’s presence, especially because of her 10 year old kid who has not been taught anything related to good manners. My mom wakes up at 5 am in the morning and throws tantrums and tries to wake my sister up so she could help her in the kitchen. My sister is an adamant and lazy woman. She yells at mom for every other reason. In between these two women who cannot speak their heart without using proper words, it seems like I’m sandwiched. But it seems more like an issue with my mother because her anxiety to get things done immediately is affecting my niece a lot. I’m in my 3rd trimester and my mom seems to be a devil! Uncontrollable emotional torture is what I can say. My sister’s husband was abusive and she came home to be at peace but I don’t think it’s a good thing.

My mother is never happy about anything. If we try to entertain her with movies, she hates them. Try to play some music, it needs to be according to her mood. When I scream, I feel pathetic. I feel that someone’s gonna commit suicide soon at home. It’s like a free psycho living at home. I’m exhausted and I don’t trust my mother any more. I wish I could record a video and send it for you to see! It’s abuse for sure. Unless everyone goes crazy and starts screaming or crying or goes vulnerable, she doesn’t calm down.

If she wants respect, is this the way? If this is what parenting is about, it is sick. Abuse isn’t right. Is it? Now she even hits my niece who is merely anything yelling and overpowering their own children, who are adults??
There’s not even a single day when anyone in the house had a peace of mind, forget about sleeping well. My doctor has restricted travel. I wish I could go back to my home now but seems like it’s late. I’m so angry, sad and feeling crazy at the same moment. All my mother wants is a reaction from us. When we all cry, she is the happiest!

 

 What a sad, sad situation. You and your sister both went “home” to your mother to have a safe place. Instead, you are all living in chaos.

As I read your letter, I had to wonder if your mother really wanted such long term guests. It could be that she felt she couldn’t say no to the two of you. She may be overwhelmed by the addition of three more people to her home. It may be that she is saying “no” by making it impossible for you and your sister to stay there. If that is the case, it is unfortunate indeed that you all don’t have the kind of relationship where she can just say it’s too much or where all of you could sit down and figure out how to make it manageable for her.

You also didn’t mention how old your mother is and whether this is new behavior. If she is getting on in years, you may be seeing the emergence of a medical condition or dementia. Do consider taking her for an appointment with her doctor to make sure she is medically okay.

That being said: There is no reason for you and your sister to scream just because your mother is screaming. It doesn’t help the situation. In fact, it only makes it worse. It doesn’t solve the problems and it exhausts you both. It is also a terrible role model for the 10-year-old who is watching all of you and learning how she is supposed to act while with family. Not good.

Just because others invite you to be irrational doesn’t mean you have to accept their invitation. Instead, you could say something like, “I can’t hear you when you get loud. When you want to talk with me quietly to solve the problems, let me know and I’ll be glad to be part of the conversation.” Then leave. When things calm down, invite your mom and sister to have a reasonable talk about how to make the current living situation workable.

Please don’t wait for others to change for you to get the peace you need to have a good last trimester. Take charge of your own part in the family dynamics. Change your reactions and withdraw when you need to. Take yourself to another room. Take a nap. Take a walk. If the other women won’t work on making things better at least you can take yourself out of it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Twin Sister and Mom Not Speaking

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I have a family issue going on and I was seeking some help. This conflict is between my twin sister and my mom. They have been completely ignoring each other and not even looking at each other for the past 3 weeks. It is to the point where my sister will not come downstairs so I have to bring food up to her. Let me give you a brief history. It all began around 5 years ago when we were 12 (16 now), so we were in middle school. My sister and my mom had trouble communicating. I can’t specifically remember what they fought about – my family always thought it revolved around my sister’s stubbornness on apologizing to my mom. We would tell her to learn to apologize instead of arguing and if there is anything that my mom is wrong about, then maybe after 30 minutes after the argument when she has become not mad, then consult with her in a respectful manner. That was what we thought was the matter for about 4 years. Even in a mother’s day card last year, she wrote “I’m sorry mom for my stubbornness; I’ll try to fix it up”. However, this was not the case. It became clear this year that my twin sister’s problem was NOT being respectful to my mother. She would mutter “What the heck” under her breath, roll her eyes, shake her head, occasionally scream back at her, and fold her arms. Coming from an Asian family where respect to elders is extremely valued this was angering for my mom. I’ll tell you about what the ultimate fight was that caused this huge brick between my mom and my sister. Three weeks ago, my sister and I woke up really late at around 1 P.M. My mom was furious because we constantly promised to wake up earlier yet we always broke that promise. Usually she was okay with it, but because we constantly did not listen to her, she built up the anger and yelled at us that morning. I came downstairs and she was yelling at me and scolding me and my sister comes downstairs. While my mom was screaming, she poured a bowl of cereal and started to eat. This is already rude in my perspective because it looks like we are totally ignoring her. Then my mom asks my sister why she woke up so late. Then my sister replies with “My alarm clock did not go off.” So my mom, shocked at her blunt answer asked how she got up from school. And my sister straightforwardly answered “My sister wakes me up.” My mom got even madder and asked her how that can be of any excuse and she started to state that we always ignore what she says and never tries to listen. Then my mom asks this question after a few minutes of screaming : What do I if you guys will not listen to me” Of course we remained silent, because it wasn’t a question we could quite think of an answer of. My mom was furious and asked us one more time “What do you think I should do!”” And my sister in a loud tone, after chewing on her cereal yelled “You decide!” And this is after about thirty minutes of my sister’s unsorry and disrespectful manner, and my mom’s madness. So my mom replied with “So are you saying if I hit you, you will be hit”” And my sister replied with “No, because that is completely absurd.” After this my mom lost it and punched my sister twice in the head. And I was an eye witness and I could hands down tell you it was a smack where bruises could be left or jaws could snap. After this, my sister started slapping my mom and screaming and I had to get in the way screaming for them to stop. Afterwards, my sister screams “I’m going to call the police on you!!!” And throws a book at my mother and threatens her. I had to run my sister outside the house and calm down my mom. My sister stayed at the nearby playground for about 4 hours and later came home and they haven’t spoken a word since that day. I asked my sister if she was guilty at all and she was not a single bit. She claims that my mom is a crazy psychopath and she claims that she does not love her. I asked her what the problem with mom is and she says that she is narrow minded and only thinks for herself. Okay, so with that said, here is another bit of information. My mom is a mother of three children : me, my twin sister, and my older brother. We are a great family and looked upon as role model family from other families. I love my mom and this is why this conflict between my sister and my mom is also confusing. She is the only child in the family that has these fights with mom and dislikes her. I have been in every single situation as my sister and I always react differently. I would never speak or act like that to my mom ever. We were both raised the same way and yet we come to totally different conclusions. My mom was actually more rough on my brother and I and we got hit more when we were young and when it came to my twin sister, she was barely hit and whenever my mom and her got into a fight, my mom would go for hours, using examples, trying to communicate with my twin sister, whereas for my brother and I, after a few minutes of talking, she would just tell us to go to our room. However, even going through a rougher side, we always managed to hug it out and become completely normal. However, in my sister’s case, my mom and sister never really “worked it out”. Also, I cannot stress the disrespect level of my sister. Throughout fights I had to scream “Watch your attitude!” constantly! And not only that, it came to the point where we wanted to record her attitude towards mom because she kept arguing that her attitude was “normal”. However, we wanted to do this because it came in a t.v. program on how people could visually be able to see how bad their actions are. And my sister told us to record her. And let me say this, my sister looks at past videos of her on the ipad and sees the way shes talks to me and tells me “Wow I look so bitchy.” However, that Is NOTHING compared to how disrespectful she is to my mom, the way she looks at her, the way she uses sarcasm, the way she shakes her head, rolls her eyes. However, my dad totally denied the recording idea. I told my sister I would never do what she did EVER and say what she said, and she told me that you weren’t in my position before. And yes, I was in the same exact situations as her, but our reactions were ALWAYS different. There would be times when my mom started as being mad at me but later became FURIOUS because of my sister that she even forgot why she was mad at me. My sister always managed to make her more than she was before. Anyways, my brother and I EXTREMELY LOVE my mom. She is not the type of mom who punishes for no reason. She is very wise and I respect her so much. But, my sis does NOT feel this way. In this case, what is going wrong and what do you think should happen for this to be over. I know this is long, however, there are still sooo much behind this, so if there is any questions please feel free to ask me.

Thank you for your detailed letter. The problem here has to do with your mother’s inability to manage her anger. If you step back from the situation for a moment, you’ll realize that the thing igniting the problem is your mother’s inability to cope adequately with normal teenage issues. She punched your sister in the head because she answered the question honestly. Think about that. As you said you were an eyewitness. The question isn’t how to figure out how to have more respect and better behavior, but how do you stop a mother from physically abusing her daughter?

I think you and your sister have to decide what to do. This is a serious issue. No child should be punched in the face by their mother or father for any reason. It is that simple. When you talk to your sister decide what it is you would be willing to do. The most direct way is to talk to your high school guidance counselor. He or she is in the best position to help get counseling for your family.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I’m angry and just a complete mess

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have come here searching for an answer to my anger and the things that come along with it. My anger has cost me relationships with friends and boyfriends…I’m surprised my parents still stick around with the way I treat my mother specifically. I just completely overreact to things all the time. And I mean to the point that I am screaming and doing anything and everything in my power to make the opposing force feel wrong, stupid, and as inferior as possible. I used to break, punch, throw, slam things. Lately I’ve been able to keep at least that from happening.

Everyone has always told me just to notice when I begin to get angry and to just get away from the situation or to count to ten, but I can’t do it. For some reason I just can’t recognize that I’m about to become that enraged and that it is totally irrational, because I always think I am right. I never realize what has happened until the situation is over, then I feel remorse, but I usually don’t apologize because I feel that maybe I wasn’t wrong, I just went too far. I hardly apologize and usually it’s just to get what I want. I usually just blow things off because what’s done is done and what can I do to fix it now? But that just isn’t working for me. I really thought it would, rather than living in regret…just live for today and to make things the best. But I can’t do that.

I ruin everything. I don’t even know how to make sense of what I’m trying to say. A million thoughts are running through my head right now and I just don’t know where to start. In my past I’ve suffered physical and sexual abuse. And I just feel like my parents just never cared that those things happened, because all I got was a lock on my door and all my step brother got was NOTHING. My mother also went a little crazy while on welbutrin and became violent which resulted in serious shouting and physical fights between us. But she felt better, it made her depression go away. Luckily she listened to my step brother, step father, and myself and stopped taking it.

When I try to talk to her about how I feel (which I do not ever like to talk about how I feel with people that I see on a regular basis) she feels like it is time to tell me about her psycho thoughts as well. Today she told me she saw one of our dogs playing with a shirt sleeve my step dad turned into a dog toy and she imagined about strangling one of the dogs to death. I just can’ deal with her problems and my own. I also have had disturbing thoughts in the past that I can’t recall due to trying to push them from my mind. But they were thoughts that would be harmful to others. And I had to talk myself out of doing them. But I did.

I’m also a recovering drug addict, began at 14, never really did anything habitually until about 18. cocaine addict for about a year and a half, quit for about 2 years. then had a binge resulting in a breakdown the summer of 2008. used very sparsely until fall or winter of 2009, started binging on cocaine again, then got more into meth which I had tried in the past. Then fell into a serious habit with using that intravenous. got clean for like a month and then used the same way sparingly. last time was 2 weeks ago. have been successful in being strong enough not to give in to temptation like I used to. I don’t know if any of this is relevant, I just assume drug usage might be. I don’t even remember what I’ve been talking about. Sometimes I get so distracted I just have no idea what has just happened, what is going on, or sometimes where I am. I plan on seeking counseling immediately. That’s the only options I know of for people in my situation, broke, been unemployed (only for 4 months but I am so impulsive I waste my money on clothes, food, alcohol, drugs, shoes, I just feel like i need new things!), I don’t know what to do.

A: Yes, you do know what to do. You told me. Get into counseling immediately! Girl. You’re only 23 and you are a total mess. Yes, the drug use has lots to do with it. While you were using various drugs, your brain and mind got deprived of the important education in impulse control and judgment that happens during the teen years. Yes, your upbringing has something to do with it. You didn’t get the love, support and protection every child deserves. Trauma has something to do with it. Kids who are abused often need help. There’s no shame in that! And – if that weren’t enough, you may also have inherited a predisposition to mental illness from your mother. All that is a huge burden for any young person to manage.

I’m amazed and impressed that with so big a tangle of issues you could put together such a coherent and well-written letter. You have inner strengths and intelligence that you and a therapist can use to help you recover the 10 years of emotional growth you lost. Stop “planning” to find a therapist and just do it. The sooner you start, the sooner you’ll be on the road to a more even temper and a better life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Childhood Relevance & Relationship Issues

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a history of repeated physical abuse by my father in childhood, stimulated by minor factors like a slightly lower grade or poor handwriting. I am also unfortunate to have witnessed my father being violent to my mother and sister. All of which are imprinted in my mind and still make me cry on recollection, both my parents died of cancer in the past two years. I have always had difficulty in concentrating on studies, except , paradoxicay, while watching movies or reading noves where I lose track of the surroundings and people often have to call me repeatedly then. I have been engaged the past year to a kind hearted man, but I have a problem of being offended by the slightest comment, which makes me miserable the whole day and I yell at him or message him till he relents and apologises, sometimes even that doesnt placate me and I carry on till I really hurt him, after which I feel guilty and keep apologising. I also keep having pangs of jealousy when he talks about other women, in his work or past, even though irrational. I also have the trouble of making decisions, especially split second ones, so I’m scared to learn driving as it involves a lot of split second decisions, and often rely on others to make decisions for me, sometimes bad ones. I used to write a lot of poetry earlier, but stopped the past 3 years. I also procrastinate very badly and have a incapacitating fear of darkness that I cant explain. I feel no one understands me and have brooded over death a long time, though I havent taken active steps to end my life. I feel a lot of this is attributable to the violence encountered from my father, though I am not sure. I do not drink or smoke.

I’m sorry to hear that you have been struggling. Suicide should never be a consideration for you or for anyone. All of the problems that you have described are highly treatable with counseling. Many people have experienced or witnessed abuse as children but have recovered from their experiences. You can recover too.

You mentioned relationship problems. In all likelihood, your negative childhood experiences are impacting your current relationships. Once you recognize inappropriate behavior, you can then work to change it. Counseling could help you to make these positive changes. Perhaps your fiancé would attend counseling with you, to support you and to help correct these relationship problems.

You also described experiencing fear and perhaps even depression. These problems are not something that you should accept as your reality. They are highly treatable. I would strongly encourage you to seek counseling.

Sometimes, people mistakenly believe that seeking professional help is akin to being a failure. That is simply not true. We are not born with problem-solving skills. These skills must be learned. Some people learn these skills from their parents or other role models, but not everyone has this luxury. Mental health professionals can teach us these important problem-solving skills. It’s the most efficient way to correct life problems. I hope you will consider it.

If you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else, call emergency services. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I Always Going To Be Single?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I cried in church today during the baptism of a baby. It’s like all of the loneliness and insecurities inside of me came to the surface when I saw the happy parents and their adorable child in this joyous moment. Because I am so afraid I am never going to have the opportunity to experience this. That I will not find someone to spend the rest of my life with – and in enough time to have a child.

You see, my clock is ticking. I am 38 years old and I don’t have a boyfriend. And I have never even had a real long-term relationship. So, I feel like there is something really wrong with me. All my friends are married and I feel so left out and alone when we get together as a group. Especially since one of them just found out that she is pregnant. Even though I love children and am really happy for her, I know my feelings are going to be bittersweet when her baby comes.

The older I get, the weirder I feel about not having ever been in a LTR. And it doesn’t help that some guys that I have dated have actually said that they think it’s really strange that I haven’t been in one. So, it makes me not want to talk about it, even though my friends say it’s nothing to be ashamed of – that it’s better to have not been in a relationship than to have been in a bad one (like a lot of them have).

I don’t even know why I haven’t been in anything long-lasting. It might have something to do with the fact that I grew up in a really dysfunctional household (with emotional and physical abuse). So, I moved out when I was 18 years old and started working right away as a matter of necessity. I never went to college so I didn’t have that opportunity for dating exposure.

Also, when I was growing up, the way that I handled my lack of control in my house is with my food. So, I ended up becoming bulimic and depressed. When I moved out of that toxic situation my emotional state improved and I wasn’t depressed any more. But I still didn’t have a healthy relationship with food. Since I associated being thin with being unhappy (like I was during my teenage years), I turned to food for comfort and ended up gaining a huge amount of weight. So, I am sure that didn’t help with my dating prospects either.

But, a couple of years ago, I decided (mainly for health reasons) to shed the weight. And I lost 70 pounds (which I am very proud of). But yet I still haven’t found that special someone, even though I thought that the weight was what was holding me back. And it’s not for lack of trying. I have done the whole on-line dating thing. Plus, I am very active with church and other social activities – I am always out and about doing things that I enjoy. I have always figured that meeting the right person would just happen during the natural course of life. But, this hasn’t happened and I am starting to get scared that I will never find anyone – and that I will always be alone.

Plus, as I get older I feel less desirable. I have stretch marks from all of the weight that I lost and my breasts are sagging as a result – not to mention my gray hair. Also, I had surgery this past year to remove some endometriosis and an ovarian cyst. And my doctor said that I might not be able to have children without assistance (such as IVF) since one of my fallopian tubes is twisted/clogged up. So, on top of everything else, a guy might not be able to even have a kid with me since I could possibly be barren.

I definitely have some self-image problems, but I am trying to work on those. It’s hard, though, because I grew up with a mom who made me feel like I wasn’t attractive – she never complimented my physical appearance, but yet would rant and rave about how beautiful other people were. And she told me that “people like us” had to work on being better in other areas, since we couldn’t rely on our looks.

One thing I am confident about, though, is my personality. I have a good sense of humor and am a loyal and caring friend. So, I know that I would bring a lot to a relationship with the right man. And I would expect the same qualities from him in return. I just haven’t met the person who I have this balance with yet.

I can’t talk to my friends about my fears because when I have in the past, they have discounted them. They think I am the lucky one being single since I don’t have to deal with a demanding husband, difficult in-laws, etc. They say that I should just enjoy my single life while I can and that I am over-thinking the situation – that when I least expect it the right guy will come along.

But, what if he doesn’t? I am starting to lose faith that this will happen and feel like I have no control over it. No matter how I try to live my life and be happy, this fear is lurking in the back of my mind.

So, please help me figure out how to tackle this sense of hopelessness when it comes to finding a long-term partner. Because I don’t want to keep having these huge waves of sadness whenever the thought pops up of possibly being alone forever…

First of all it is not only normal but healthy to have the desires that you have. You learn relationship skills or the lack there of from your parents as you grow up. Are you lacking in your relationship skills? Probably. Do you have a self image problem? Probably. Do you control your physical appearance as a reaction to your psychological state? Probably.

Here is my recommendation to you. Continue to seek out a relationship. Utilize all of the online dating services available to you. Begin counseling. Should a relationship begin with someone make sure that you are discussing this relationship and critiquing your behavior in that relationship as a central point in your therapy. Physical attraction is a part of most relationships, in fact the vast majority.

Who knows why or how we are attracted to another person but still we are. It is important in the initial attraction phase and is also important throughout the duration of the relationship. I have spent many hours listening to clients complain about how their partner has “let themselves go.” It is the changeable things that they complain about, not those that come from accident or the aging process. People can’t understand why their partner would choose to look less good than they could. I have rarely heard someone complain about their significant other’s wrinkles or missing toes or facial scar. I have instead heard them complain about gray hair that could be colored or weight that could be lost or clothes that could be more fashionable, etc.

I tell you this to let you know how people think. When you are looking for someone to date, realize how people think. I think they will see you much more positively if they think that you are the kind of person who tries to look their best. The opposite would be for them to think that you are the kind of person who really doesn’t care how they look or dress. It isn’t so much how you look but more so whether or not you care to present your best appearance. That is what seems to matter to them. So, with that in mind, do your best to present a good appearance. Aren’t we all being judged by others as we walk down the hallway of any mall?

You will be similarly judged by those who are attracted enough to you, to ask you for a date. What I am saying applies equally to men and women. Be well groomed. Present a good appearance. The fact that you care will have a positive impact on how others perceive you psychologically. People do care about what is inside you but sometimes their impression of the inside comes from their observations of the outside. No one can truly see inside you, so they do their best to guess from the clues that they can perceive. Let’s work on finding that relationship. It’s right for most people and it’s right for you. Take care.

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My Girlfriend Got Really Physical with Me During Sex

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I were having sex the other night, out of nowhere she slapped, then punched, dug her nails into my arm then pressed into my chest as hard as she could. I was shocked… She jumped off me before finishing, although I think she was very close. I asked her if she was into hitting me, she said no, it was impulsive. We went to bed and didn’t talk about it in the a.m. Later the next day she texted me saying sorry I hit you. I told her if she wants to go down that road, it’s something we have to discuss before it happens. In the past she has requested that I slap, choke and pull her hair, but only when she requests it. We later talked in person, I want her to be happy sexually and I’m willing to experiment if it’s something she is into. I started questioning her with an open mind if she likes it, she said she hit me, then she felt bad… So she got off me and didn’t finish. However she said before hitting me, she was so raging angry at me that impulsively she started to hit me. She doesn’t know why she was angry at me, she just was. She said if she could have made me bleed, she would have. She doesn’t think it’s something she is into for erotic purposes, I told her if it is, don’t be embarrassed and let’s talk about it.

She is quite controlling with our day to days, she has admitted that she doesn’t like when I take charge in bed, she likes to tell me what to do and follow her requests. She isn’t a look-into-my-eyes passionate lover. She can be on again off again with love and affection. We have been dating for over a year, both in our later 20’s. I’m baffled by the lack of communication and her answer just seems confusing. Is she really that confused and doesn’t know what’s going on? Is she embarrassed that she may be into a more kinky sex life. The thing that sort of put a bit of worry in my mind is she said she all of a sudden was ANGRY and she wanted to HURT me, draw blood somehow but with no erotic purposes. Please help me out. Any in site or info would be appreciated.

****Since above I have had another conversation with my gf *****

I addressed the situation with my girlfriend again, this time I came from a place of concern. I’ve grown to feel that the hitting/punching out of anger to hurt me is dysfunctional. It had no erotic reasoning and makes me feel that subconsciously she may hate me. My gf feels I don’t listen to her. I admit I may mess up and do something that she has once said she doesn’t like, but it’s not often. She said that when I don’t listen and she can tell, it snowballs and she gets irritated and angry at me. I was ready to walk out. She didn’t apologize for hitting me again. She apologized once and feels that it doesn’t need to be discussed further. I didn’t get anything more out of her but she’s been a lot better the last few days. She does get really bad PMS. I’d say half of our relationship she is happy and feels like the my friend, the other half… It’s a nightmare. I don’t know what to do…

Hitting and punching you out of anger is not only dysfunctional, it’s abusive. There is no legitimate reason for her behavior. It simply wrong and abusive.

You also described her as being “quite controlling with our day to days.” That type of behavior is also abusive.

It’s clear that her behavior is not associated with a kinky sex life. She explicitly stated that her behavior has nothing to do with sex and that if she could have she would have hurt you more than she did. That is not an appropriate way to behave in a relationship.

Half of the time, your relationship is a “nightmare.” A good relationship would rarely be a nightmare. The percentage of bad times in a relationship should be very small.

It’s important for you to rethink whether or not you want to stay in this relationship. Couples counseling could help you to make that decision. It’s important to come to an understanding about what might be wrong with your relationship and whether it can be saved.

If your girlfriend is unwilling to participate in counseling, then you should consider individual counseling. The therapist will help you explore the intricacies of your relationship, examine the problems and help you to determine the best solution. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Don’t Know What to Do about My Dad

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I love my dad but he scares me a lot. I feel like I’ve kind of brought a lot of the anger my dad has upon myself, but it’s still hard for me to stay at home any longer. When I get in trouble it’s for legitimate reasons (I smoke and drink and I often get caught), but he gets so angry that it terrifies me, and I honestly just want to drink more to forget that he’s there.

He screams and brings up unrelated past events (ex: he’ll bring up an outfit i wore a week ago and call me a prostitute for wearing it). He told me the other day that I’m not gonna have any friends because he’s gonna threaten to call the police if he see’s any with me, and they’ll be too scared to talk to me anymore (he said this because many of my very good friends smoke weed). I understand that he wants me to be safe, and have a good life, but he throws stuff and yells at me and threatens to shoot or call the cops on my friends. It doesn’t make me want to stop smoking and get my grades up, it just makes me want to run away and do it even more.

Before I smoked or drank he’d yell at me and sometimes hit me (he doesn’t hit me anymore), for my grades or for hurting myself, which is sort of why I started drinking and smoking nowadays. He’d get angry at me for having emotional issues and blame me or the shows I watch or something that I do, rather than my childhood problems. I’ve had several therapists, but they only last for a few sessions because we can’t afford it, our insurance doesn’t cover it so it’s like $200 a session.

Hes taken my door to my room now, he’s bugged my phone and is always watching me. I can’t go outside the house anymore unless it’s with them or for school, and he’s made me quit my job. He’s cutting contact between me and all of my friends, one of them being a friend I’ve had for a very long time who has no one else besides me and is actually on suicide watch right now. I feel like I live in a prison, in which he bullies me and constantly mocks everything I do.

  Thank you for reaching out to us here at PsychCental.com. Your dad sounds like he is unstable emotionally and the fact that he is intimidating you, has hit you in the past, threatens to shoot your friends, calls you a prostitute, and is angry at you for having emotional issues points to the fact that you are feeling unsafe and need to have someone help you that is nearby. There are two resources I recommend. Here is information on woman’s centers that can help you at low or no cost, and a national hotline for more information and access to local help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Don’t Know What’s Wrong. Mum Drinks and I’m Scared.

by Holly Counts, Psy.D.
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I will sum everything up quickly, over the past four or more years my mum has been drinking heavily and my dad works away so he has no power to help, my mum is abusive and very scary when she is drunk. She hits me, calls me names says she regrets me and gets so drunk she goes out for hours and comes back covered in blood and pee, she will then put a towel on and threaten to show me her naked if I don’t stop, which is nothing new since sometimes I walk home from school and she is lying naked. she started drinking heavily when her dad died but this is too much. I also have a social worker , who has tried to help my mum in every was but she isn’t accepting anything and now I have been told I just need to prepare myself for her killing herself. I am so sad about this I have no family to turn too because my mum drive them away and I only have one friend who I can talk too but it doesn’t do anything, I am depressed all the time and want to kill myself, I get so stressed I’m sick, I get so angry I lock myself in my room so I don’t hurt my mum, I can’t control myself or her. what should I do? (age 15, from Scotland)

A:  Thank you for writing in. You need to get some help quickly, not just for your mother, but for yourself. You shouldn’t have to live this way. Your mum has a problem that is so far out of control by now, that she can’t get herself out of it without some serious help. She would need to go through detox at a hospital.

If you haven’t already, you need to tell your father what is going on. It doesn’t matter that he works away, he is your parent and keeping you safe is his responsibility. You also need to tell the social worker how bad things really are and that you can no longer live in this environment. Your mum may not be open to help right now, but you are because you are reaching out.

If your father or the social worker doesn’t do enough to help or it takes too long, I want you to contact Child Protection. You might want to contact them now anyway so that they can help you find a way out of this situation. Here is the contact information: https://www.glasgowchildprotection.org.uk/index.aspx?articleid=2053

Your depression and anger are normal. You are reacting to the situation and I’m sure you feel that you have no control. Please don’t do anything to harm yourself, you are already hurting enough. What you can do is ask for help, over and over and over, until a responsible adult steps in and finds a way to keep you safe. We all deserve to feel safe in our own home.  Please hang on to hope, life won’t always be this way. Feel free to share my response with your dad, social worker, teacher, or other family members until someone helps.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Want to List Everything I Think Is Wrong with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So this is my first time ever doing this, I never really told anyone about my issues or what I’m going through, I thought this might be a good little step for me so first I’ll tell you what I think is wrong with me.

So I’m 19 years old and a female I have had for a while thought something might be wrong with me, I was scared of telling someone about it cause I don’t want them to think I wanted attention, so the problem is is that I have had really bad thoughts of wanting to kill and hurt animals and people including my self, I get this happy feeling in me of seeing blood or bruises on me or on other people I don’t know why I just do.
I also believe I have anger issues I only get really angry if someone or something hit me where I don’t expect it and when it does I instantly snapp I yell at the closes person next to me or if they accidently hit me I will grab them hard Leaving a mark or a bruise on them and make threats to them and when I realized what they did to me was an accident and I hurt them I quickly apologize and leave the room and lock myself in the bathroom and start hating myself and wishing I was dead I have also started hurting my self cuting but I stop that.
I also don’t really care what happens to me if I was to get hit by a car or get killed I wouldn’t care but if its someone else I would care. I also get jealous and envy if someone gets raped and abused badly ( which is the most horrible thing anyone who have went through it) but I wanted to be hurt badly when I hear a person being beaten and raped on the news I would say to myself
“ why can’t that happens to me, why do they get to experience that and I don’t “
So that’s what Iv been going through and I thought i might tell you about my childhood which might give you an idea or something of why I’m like this, so me and my dad we don’t get along we never did to me my dad is like a ticking time bomb you never know when he’ll get piss off and start yelling and when he does he yells at me and my mum and complain about me to my mum and then starts calling her and me names and throw stuff and hit me and throw me on the ground and then I get told to go in the room with My little siblings and I instantly get guilty that she had to go through that when it should have been me who caused it which I didn’t all I did was talked to him keep in mind at that time I was only 5 and during the whole entire time growing up I don’t remember him ever really being in my life only sometimes he would but whenever he was there with us he would always make everyone upset and depressed my whole life iv grown up hating him and wishing he was dead and when I hear other kids saying how close they are to there dads I instantly think it’s the grossist thing and while growing up I came to dislike men not only because of my dad but because of boys who were older than me I would say one was a year older than me and two boys who were maybe close to there teens would always kiss me and touch me I don’t really remember much all I know was that I was only a kid and I don’t know what they were doing was sexual stuff ever since then I can remember iv started being really into sex I always have thoughts of it always touching myself ( still a kid) and now close to my 20s I never been with anyone but still touch myself.

OK so I hope all that means something I hope it makes sense sorry if it doesn’t I just really wants someone to hear me out so if you do read this I want to say thank you for your time.

Thank you for providing a great deal of information. It helps me to understand your issues.

The key to understanding why you feel the way you do may stem from your childhood. It was rough, to say the least. Parents are supposed to love and care for their children and act as role models. They’re not supposed to hurt them or let them be harmed by others. The very people who were supposed to be caring for you, either hurt you or allowed you to be hurt. Your father was erratic, angry and unpredictable. He hurt you. You described him as being “ticking time bomb.” You didn’t know to expect from him. People who are raised in these situations describe the experience as having to walk on eggshells. It’s a very disconcerting feeling to live with a “ticking time bomb.” It’s not easy or a pleasurable way to live. It can make you feel uneasy, on edge, unstable, insecure, and unsafe.

You didn’t mention if you still live with your parents, but if so that could explain why you are feeling the way you do. Even if you are not living with them, it could still explain the way you feel. It’s not uncommon for people who have been abused to express the desire to hurt themselves or others. The fantasy of harming others may give you the feeling of being more in control. If you’ve been dominated your whole life, and made to feel small and powerless, it would make sense that you would fantasize about becoming the all-powerful one in control.

Your father was the all-powerful one in your home. You had no control over your situation. He hurt you and there is nothing you could do about it. Of course, you could’ve called emergency services, but you may not have known that because you were only a young child. Even if you would’ve called for help, there’s no guarantee that you would not have been punished by your father for having made the call. Therefore, your fantasies of harming other people may be a form of psychological compensation for your having been in a position of powerlessness.

As for wanting to harm yourself, that may also stem from you having been abused. Sometimes, when a parent abuses a child, the child begins to believe that they are being abused because they deserve it, and that they are unworthy of love, caring and positivity. They start to internalize the abuse, blame themselves and think that they are no good and that they deserve pain and suffering. Such ideas significantly impact one’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth. An individual in this circumstance may begin to believe that they’re no good, and treat themselves in accordance with their perceived low self-worth. That might be why you treat yourself poorly and want to hurt yourself. You may think that you are unworthy, unlovable and deserving of abuse and negativity. These are the unfortunate effects of abuse.

Thankfully, these problems can be corrected with counseling. I would highly recommend it. It would help you to better understand your feelings and also to correct the inconsistencies or irrational ideas you may hold regarding yourself and others. Through no fault of your own, you may have developed a sense of identity that is inconsistent with the truth which is that you deserve to be happy, have positive things happen in your life and to be loved and cared for by others.

The great thing about therapy is that it does work, especially when you choose a therapist who has experience and who has helped others in similar situations. Contact your family doctor and ask for a referral. I always recommend calling at least 5 to 10 therapists and speaking with them on the phone. Choose the one you feel the most comfortable with and meet with them in person. That will likely be the best match for you.

If you feel that you might harm yourself or someone else, go to the hospital or call the mental health crisis team. They can assist you in ensuring that you don’t do something that you may later regret. Help is available, you just have to ask for it. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Should I Compensate for My Past Failures?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Bangladesh: I am 34, married, have a daughter who is eight years old. I love her a lot. I probably have very low self esteem and also obsessions/compulsions. In the sanityscore.com I scored 75 in self-esteem and 56 in obsessions/compulsions. Although, I am sure I didn’t answer a lot of questions correctly.

I graduated in 2006. But for the past 10 years I was employed for only 22 months in 2 different jobs. The second job was worse than the first one and barely covered my expenses. I am currently unemployed and pursuing a Master of Science degree in IT. I have been living off of my father’s house rent for most of my adult life.

I have been abused by my parents since the age of 4. Both my parents used to beat me a lot but my father used to emotionally abuse me more. My mother expressed her love and appreciation for me sometimes but my dad never did so (except for 3 occasions) because ‘that would spoil me’. Constant criticism, name-calling, belittling, ridiculing, verbal threats was a daily routine in the name of education up until 2012. I was thrown out of home twice before the age of 12. When I was 20, I escaped from home for fear of my dad after failing in 2 courses but returned home after 3 days. I was and am very fearful of my dad. I can never speak to him normally and mostly keep silent whenever he is around, I feel like walking on egg-shells. In 2012, at the age of 30, I first came to learn what emotional abuse is. At one occasion in that year, I confronted him and yelled at him for the first and last time. The abuses lessened ever since. But I am still afraid of him and want to move away but I need a decent job first.

I procrastinate a lot. I have no friends since the age of eight. I am afraid of facing job interviews (despite having well qualifications) and making friends for the fear of being judged negatively. I know I need therapy.

I am not legally/financially indebted to anyone. But I feel I should compensate for my past unemployment by earning more in the future. Some people I know are trying to do so to compensate for their ‘forgiven debt’. Should I do it? Everyone in society seems to believe that consuming more than you have earned in life is disgraceful and nobody deserves to live on the food that he hasn’t paid for. But I don’t want to do so. I want to be happy but want to ‘deserve’ it too. But I don’t want to go abroad to earn more. I just want to live away from my parents with my family, learn more of what I love, connect with people, raise my kid and have a good life. I don’t want to pursue more money or burden myself with more responsibilities or pains than that is required to have a healthy self-esteem. What steps should I take?

 Thank you for your question. I appreciate the courage it takes to write about the emotional abuse, and understand your desire to compensate. However, unless there was a specific agreement made between you and your father for compensation, I would not invest your time, energy and future in repaying something that your father needed to give. Let the “forgiven debt” be just that. It may be one of the ways your father is trying to atone for his poor parenting. Let this be.

Your university should have a counseling program on campus and it’s likely to be well equipped in helping you with social and professional skills. Make an appointment with one of the counselors. They will help you to envision a future of learning more of what your love, connecting with others, raising your child, and having a good life.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Will He Change?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’ve been with the same man for almost 27 years, we have 3 children / when we first met he was very controlling always flipping out if i went out name calling etc. Once I came home late went to sleep and woke up to him punching my leg that punch left a bruise for days. when I had my first child he wouldn’t come to the hospital because he was out the night before and hungover and I told him to leave my house well half hour later he showed up at the hospital and in front of a room full of visitors told me to go F myself he didn’t need my shit. when he left i curled up in a ball in the bathroom and cried like a baby because i was so embarrassed.

he has also ripped my clothes pulled wires out of my vehicle so I couldn’t go out when he would leave me, I called him I cried I begged and after a few days he would come home then one day I snapped, he hit me and I hit him right back then had him arrested, we had a crazy relationship for years and I even threw him out for good only to take him back after him begging and my 5 year old asking me to give him another chance.

now fast forward years and 2 kids later there is no physical abuse but first we never got married, he says why ruin a good thing Everything we have houses,cars etc is all in his name. I have nothing in my name. He even has to make sure he has control over my eldest daughter. He takes care of her but again everything in his name – the house she lives in, the car she drives all his, He flies off the handle over stupid things. He’ll call me complaining tenants are not paying rent and when i say boot them he tells me that’s why i’ll never be in business cause i have no clue how businesses are run. He jokes how he’s gonna trade me in for 2 22 year old’s or how all these woman want him. I always say go for it they will sure get a great catch and other times i tell him it hurts me when he says those things. His response I’m only joking don’t be such a b….

I have worked side by side with this man for years and now only work one day a week with him because i watch our Granddaughter while my daughter works and goes to school. lately i have been feeling so down I have been diagnosed with depression and adhd but with no insurance it’s hard to get medication. I can’t leave because i have no money. He does give me some when i need it but I know if I leave i will get nothing. I guess you can say I do love him but at the same time I hate every inch of him at times.I also feel that if we married i would feel more secure about leaving him. heck I even day dream of winning the lottery and watching myself walk out the door and never look back. can I get him change? or am I just stupid

You aren’t stupid but you are worn down and worn out. He won’t change. He has no need to. He doesn’t want to ruin a “good thing” because he is good with how things are. He’s not interested in your feelings or whether things are “good” for you. He’s only interested in being totally in control.

Underneath all his bluster and controlling behaviors is a man who is so insecure he can’t manage being in relationship with a woman who is his equal. He deals with his feelings of inferiority by acting superior and keeping the people around him dependent. As you have already discovered, he can be dangerous so please don’t feel too sorry for him.

You need practical help to get out of this destructive and dangerous relationship. Fortunately there are services for women like yourself at the local YWCA. Call 604-625-5785 for information about how they may be able to help. When you need support, you can also call the hotline at 800-799-7233. See this website for more information.

Write these resources down. Then erase your computer history. Use a computer at a friend’s house or at the library to follow up. Men like yours often become enraged when women they have put down and hurt start to look for help.

Get out — for your own self-respect and to show your kids that a woman shouldn’t tolerate belittling behavior from someone who says he loves her. You deserve better. They need to have a role model for how to stop this type of relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I feel like I’m losing my mind

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 36 years old, I’ve been married 5 yrs, but been off and on with my children’s father for 18 yrs. We have 4 children, a 16, 14, 10 & 5 y/o. My relationship with my children’s father has never been healthy (I realize that now). There’s been infidelity, emotionally abuse, once in a while physically abusive, I had began to be physical to. (He’s good at making the color black look white or laughing when I’m hurting or just ignore me all together) After marriage the physical abuse wasn’t as frequent but he became more fierce. We’ve been ok, as long as he’s kept happy our family seems to function somehow.

The problem now is that he suffered a brain injury, which has left him with short term memory loss, easily agitated, lacks impulse control. He has no connection with myself or my children, with the exception of my 10 y/o boy, he makes an effort with him and has become a lot more selfish. There’s times he does and says things that just don’t make sense, they sound odd and crazy. I feel like i’m losing my mind and I don’t know if I should be worried or whether staying to help him is going to help him, I know i’m not willing to put my children through what I went through, their father is not the same. I just don’t know how to handle this or if it’s even wise to for the sake of my children, myself, and him. I also don’t want to abandon him if he needs the help…i really don’t know what is the best thing for all of us…

I don’t know what’s best for you either. But I do know that you are asking the right questions. I do understand that it complicates things immeasurably that your husband now may not be able to control his violent impulses. My guess is that you could manage the odd and unusual. It’s the impulse control and anger issues that make the situation harder. You’re trying to figure out how to be compassionate toward him and at the same time protect your children from a distressing to dangerous situation.

From my point of view, the welfare of children comes first. You now understand that your kids have already watched their mom be in a relationship that is physically and emotionally abusive for many years. That’s been their model for marriage and family and unless you do something about it, they are apt to repeat it. You need to find a way to show them that treating people you love that way is absolutely not okay. At the same time, you want them to learn that a good person doesn’t abandon a partner when things get rough. Balancing those two issues is your difficult dilemma.

If your children are being emotionally or physically hurt by him, do consider whether there are alternative ways to provide care for your husband without living with him. If you haven’t already, I suggest you contact The Centre for Neuro Skills. I don’t have personal experience with this group so I can’t offer an endorsement. But I have looked at their website and it looks like a good place for you to start looking for more services and practical help.

I wish you all well.
Dr. Marie

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