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My parents don’t love me.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 20, 2024

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So I’m in the 8th grade right now and love being at school or with friends, away from home, but only because I don’t love my parents and they don’t seem to love me. Now, I do come from a very privileged family, but when I’m around my parents I’m hardly ever happy, even when they spend thousands of dollars on birthday presents or anything for me. I was in the musical last year, and my parents felt I became a worse person because of it, that I became more… feminine. It’s not my fault if I’m not who they want me to be! Sometimes they tease me for it and make fun of my love for looking nice and design (I want to be a real estate developer when I’m older) but they don’t understand that who I am is who I want to be. Sure, I’ve had my share of mistakes, but they told me I’m not allowed to be a part of the musical, I can’t do any choirs, I can’t have any female friends, I can’t have any gay friends, blah blah. They are so restrictive. Personally, I don’t think sexual orientation or gender is a defining trait, so I ignore that rule, as I do most other things. They hardly ever support me except for soccer. When I have piano recitals (almost twice a month) they never come, even when I play for the city or for significant meetings. I’ve been independent forever. That’s why I write in my journal. Anyways, my dad the other day broke my phone and called me a cocky, arrogant, snobby, bratty, girly boy. They get me a lot, but I don’t want any of it. All I wanted for Christmas was a new camera, an ipod touch, and to go to a summer camp, but instead they got me Burberry ties and shirts, cologne, jeans, the ipod, no camera, a lot of things but I specifically told them no. Now they hold that against me. There’s so much more so I’m going to sort of summarize:

They make fun of me.
They don’t want me to be who I am.
They want me to believe in a religion I don’t believe in for the next few years.
They don’t support me.
They never tell me they love me.
They always yell at me, either because they’re upset or they want me to clean.
They ALWAYS hold things against me.
They won’t let me do anything I want to do that requires a permission slip yet they don’t care enough to ask why I come home around 8 PM.
They won’t let me follow my dreams of art.

My mom is always on the computer talking away to strange guys and her sister- she never has time for me. My dad is always working and whenever he’s home he yells at me.
Last but not least, they won’t let me be happy.

Please, I’ve tried everything. I write in my journal every night, I talk to my guidance counselor; I talk to my most trusted teacher in school. I’m the odd one out in the family because my grades suck, my personality is apparently a wreck, and my parents perceive me differently than other adults. I REALLY want to go away. I want to either run away or be adopted (preferably) and my teacher, well a teacher at the school, said if I ever reach the breaking point that he would definitely take me in because he somewhat knows what I’m going through as he’s been down the road a bit and he’s the teacher I tell everything to. I can’t stay home much longer because I HATE my parents, brothers, and everyone. No matter what they do, buy me a car, talk to me, support me, I will NEVER love them. They could love me, but I won’t’ love them, and it’s not just because I’m stubborn. They just make me sick and I don’t even trust them or know who they are. Please, if someone could help me, that would be great. And my email might be up I don’t know but contact me ASAP! Thanks.

A; I am sorry you are not feeling your parents’ love. But I am very glad that you have written. I know you said your grades “suck” but I can tell you from grading thousands of college and graduate school papers that the quality of your writing for someone in 8th grade is excellent. Your clarity of thought and feeling is something that people much older than you struggle for, but that you already have. What I’m saying is that your skill already shows through. I hope you will be able to find a way to express and have your gift flourish as you enter high school.

Your journal, for now, is a good companion. But I think a discussion with the school guidance counselor is needed. He or she might be able to broker a connection to a family therapist, something that I believe is essential in this situation. Some possibilities for a connection to such a therapist are here, and here is some information on family therapy

Your parents are not acknowledging your uniqueness and talents and the pain from not being seen for who you are can feel unbearable. It can feel like growing up in an amusement park fun house. If the distorted mirrors in the house tell us we are two feet tall and ten feet wide, but we don’t feel that way, we move out into the world uncertain as to how we are truly perceived. As you develop, find people who can see the real you. You will know them by how you feel around them.

Ask the school guidance counselor to help find a way to have you and your parents in a therapy setting with someone who can help them come to an understanding about your feelings. Maybe then they can become the mirrors that can accurately reflect who their son is.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

March 20, 2024 0 comments

My mom is stealing and abusing drugs

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 16, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Q: For the past 2 years I have been aware that my mom is taking drugs from her hospital where she works and using them at home. Her behavior started changing after the death of a few family elders, when I asked her about her changes, she said she was despressed, and yes, sometimes came home from work and cried for hours in the bathroom. I accepted this answer. It got worse and worse; I saw bruises on her arms, and bloody tissues in the bathroom waste. I confronted her again, and she said this time it was menopause, she had trouble sleeping at night because of hot flashes, and because of her job she HAD to be well rested the next morning, so sometimes she would mix wine and some PM medicine to help her fall asleep. Again, i accepted this (though i shouldnt have). Then, a year later, and a year ago this time, I walked in on my mother on the floor of her bathroom, blood on her hands, and a syringe on the floor. I asked her what the hell she was doing and shut the bathroom door–she said she had a cut on her foot.

I have yet to confront her again, but i did confide in my brother and father. My father told her that if she was taking anything for her knee injury she needed to stop and get it fixed–for a while the problem stopped. We all thought this was her wakeup call, and it would be good. However, i have recently realized she is back into the habit, having found a new stash where her old one once was, and had been empty for months.

I want to talk to her, soon, so as to make sure she does not fall back into her old habbits. However, everytime I try to, I become afraid and make excuses–it is an inapropriate place, or time, or day, i am wrong, etc.

My mother and father don’t get along well, but we all live in the same house. They just don’t speak much. When they do, it is pleasant conversation. I have an older brother who i talk to about the situation who also does not know what to do. We have a younger sister who is always aware of my mothers erratic behavior, but i believe does not know why it occurs, as me and my brother try and shield her from it. I am tired of having to make excuses to her about my mother and get her out and distract her when my mother is acting this way.

What should I do???

This is very, very hard. As the oldest daughter, you have taken on the responsibility of protecting your younger sister and trying to help your mother. It’s no wonder to me that you are having trouble talking to your mom about her problems. You love her. You are angry with her. She should be “mothering” you, not the other way around. You know she probably won’t listen to you but you can’t give up on her. Your father isn’t taking charge of the situation, leaving you much too much on your own. Something does need to be done. Your mother is not only letting her family down but she may be endangering the patients in her care.

My best suggestion is that you find an Alateen meeting in your city. Alateen is part of Alanon and is a program that helps teens deal with an alcohol or drug-abusing parent. You can find information at

If there is a counseling service at your college, you could also ask for a referral to a local family counseling program. A family counselor would help your whole family talk to your mom and would provide support for each family member.

The best way to help your mom and the rest of your family is to get some help for yourself. You took an important first step by writing. Now follow through by reaching out for some support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 16, 2023 0 comments

Teen Feels “Different”

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 5, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 14 years old, I am female, and I have known I was different ever since I was about seven years old. When I was seven, these “voices” started talking in my head. I didn’t know any different, but what they were saying scared me. When I used to watch television and people would come on the show, the voice in my head would constantly say “I hope they die” or horrific things like, “I hope they get cancer”. I used to talk back saying “No. No I don’t. Go away, leave me alone”, and it upset me. I spent a whole year being scared and feeling terrible when the voices started talking about my mother. They still come back sometimes, and I always have to reply saying “No, i don’t” or “No, go away”. I used to have compulsions, such as tapping things that I already touched once a certain number of times (usually even numbers, 2, 4, 8, 16, 32 etc), and before i was ‘allowed’ to sleep, I had to recite the alphabet (in my head) about 16+ times every night, as well as opening doors over and over again and lights. There are more compulsions but there are too many to list. These went on and off for about four years.

When I was eleven years old, I had a very bizarre and strong fear of not being able to sleep. Around new years time I could not sleep at all, and I started getting paranoid that i would never sleep again. So the compulsions came back stronger and I HAD to go to bed at the same time every night; 8:00 PM. This overtook my life, and i would be in constant fear of not being able to fall asleep. Again, these died down after about a year.

This year, (now 14 years old) the obsessions have worsened A LOT. I have been in constant worry about things that won’t happen, i have had false memories, i’ve had to constantly confess to my mother (stupid little things), I’ve had horrifying thoughts and images in my head, i am paranoid, and a lot more. I also went through a period of thinking I was a monster, the scum of the Earth (even though I would never EVER do anything like the thoughts), I was afraid I liked the images and thoughts (but I don’t, they were horrible and disturbing). I still have daily compulsions, and I have periods of being afraid of getting diseases. I also have hoarding issues (i keep everything, because i worry that i will regret getting rid of them) and I have a special order for some possessions. I’m scared writing this will trigger it all again.

I have also always felt like I was different. I have a huge imagination, and am generally curious. I create worlds in my mind, with characters, some with strange names like “No” and “9”. I sometimes get confused as to whether I am in fantasy or reality (I prefer fantasy), and I believe in magic and the paranormal a lot. Anyway, there is this wolf that follows me around and “protects” me called Fate. He controls the future and what will happen if I do certain things. He is the good friend. “No” is the bad friend. He puts the bad thoughts and images into my mind and I can sense his presence (I feel uneasy, often like I am being touched by some unseen force. I talk to them a lot, usually telling “No” to leave me alone. I don’t physically see them, but I can imagine them and sense that they are here. I believe in a lot of magical beliefs (that no one else does) including psychics, aliens, ESP, ghosts and future reading (which has happened to me before). I have some sort of paranoid personality. I am constantly scared about hidden cameras behind mirrors, people watching me or looking for me, the government listening in on me, things in outer space watching or listening to me. I was convinced there were hidden cameras in the toilets at school, and I therefore would NEVER go. I always thought people were talking and laughing about me, and people always seem to be looking at me. I don’t like mirrors because I am scared people are behind them, watching me, or they are portals into another dimension or my reflection will move when I don’t etc.

Last year, I had an extreme anxiety that people were plotting to kill or attack me, and I thought they would. I couldn’t sleep or eat, I was always afraid. Some of these obsessions have interfered with school, and I have tried to tell my mother, but she said I will “grow out of it” or “seeing a psychiatrist will not help you get a job”. Please help me.

I can get very irritable sometimes. I have a low self esteem and do not really care for personal hygeine like I should. I am very shy and I talk to myself a lot. I frequently I “zone out” and forget where i am for a minute (often like you are when you first wake up). I can block out people talking and all noise when this happens and I don’t blink during this. My speak patterns are weird too; sometimes I can be very talkative and have a lot to say (not in front of strangers though), sometimes I stutter or completely miss words out of sentences and sometimes I completely forget what I was going to say. There are times when I am shy, withdrawn and “empty” and I won’t say much if anything at all.

Also, sometimes I feel extremely angry, and my moods change, one minute I am very sad, and the next minute I am happy. I don’t know if it is because I am a teenager or something else. I am also scared of attacking people, sometimes I get a sudden urge to and it scares me. (I don’t mean seriously attack them, I mean hit loved ones etc). I frequently get headaches too.

Earlier this year my obsessions were weight-related. I HAD to burn off thousands of calories each day. This became a serious compulsion and interfered with my school. I lost a lot of weight too. I also started self-harming. A voice in my head kept telling me “nobody likes you”, or “you are ugly and deserve this”. It made me feel better. It was like a release. I have stopped now though. I still have compulsions which are a part of my life now.

Is this OCD? Paranoia? Schizophrenia? Schizotypal? I’m so confused, I just want to understand myself.

I know there were more things I wanted to talk about, but I have forgotten. Please help me. Thank you very much, take care. 🙂

This is an incredibly well-written and articulate letter for someone who is only 14. I’m afraid I’m not going to be much help. As detailed as your letter is, I have too many unanswered questions. There are a number of both medical and psychological illnesses that share some or all of the same symptoms. I therefore can’t tell you what’s wrong. I can only tell you what you already know: What you are reporting is not typical or considered “normal.” The thoughts and compulsions take up a lot of time and interfere with your ability to function in regular life. I imagine it’s hard to make and keep friends, to do your school work or even to develop your interests.

You didn’t mention whether you have shared any of this with your parents or your doctor. You need to. No one should have to go through days of fending off threatening voices. No one should be such a prisoner to her own compulsions that she can’t do life.

Fortunately, there is medicine and therapy that can tone all this down. But in order to get treatment, you have to be willing to see a mental health provider and to be as honest in the initial interview as you have been in your letter. In fact, a good way to start is to simply share your letter with the counselor. You did a fabulous job summarizing the issues.

Writing this letter was an important first step in getting the help you need and deserve. I hope you’ll follow up and make the next step. Ask your parents to help you find a counselor who specializes in teen issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

May 5, 2022 0 comments

Can Therapy Make Depression Worse?

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D. June 29, 2009

written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

From childhood through high school, I was never a “happy” child but I got by. Looking back at my worst I was “difficult,” sometimes moody or irritable. But I guess everyone around me chalked it up to puberty/PMS because no one ever said I should get help. In college, I developed an eating disorder. It was a major source of tension to my family, whose response was anger. They yelled at me to “eat” that I was “too skinny” as if I was doing it JUST to make them mad. They never offered to take me to a therapist, and when I tried to talk about my feelings about my body and food my mom’s response was that she didn’t want to hear it and I was over reacting.

So, I took it upon myself to get counseling at school. My mom didn’t care about my emotions, but forced me to see her GP so she could weigh me and give me a physical. Upon seeing this GP, she took blood work which revealed that my liver was inflamed from taking Tylenol PM on a regular basis to sleep. When I tried every other herb and natural supplement and nothing else put me to sleep, the GP prescribed me Seroquel.

When I told my counselor this, she consulted the school’s Psychiatrist. He said the Seroquel was a terrible idea for me. After meeting with him, he said I should be on medication for anxiety, not an antipsychotic. I told him I really didn’t want long term medication, all I wanted was to sleep so I could finish the semester’s classes.

He prescribed me Ativan, which worked wonderfully at helping me sleep. But he said the Ativan was really a band aid on a bigger problem and felt I should be on Celexa. After some consideration, I agreed to try the Celexa. I have been on 20 mg of it for a little less than a month and have been continuing to see him and my regular counselor for therapy. (I have to lie to my parents about where I am going since they don’t believe I need any therapy. My dad does not even know about my meds, my mom knows and strongly disapproves, claiming “you’re not depressed you’re neurotic”).

Anyway, lately I feel even though I care less about my weight, I generally don’t care about life because I am extremely unhappy. I hate my living situation (at home financially dependent on parents), I think I am ugly, I have no self esteem, and I just feel like a basket case. I know therapy is supposed to increase self awareness, but I think all this self awareness may be making things worse. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to just “break up” with my therapists but I fear that things could be EVEN WORSE if I do that. Are some people better off without therapy? Or should I keep trying?

Hello and thank you for your question:

Goodness, you’ve had an awful time getting the help you need. I’m sorry that you have struggled so. I’m not a psychiatrist, so I can’t prescribe (at least in my state), but what you need to know is that if the Tylenol PM was working for your sleep, it wasn’t the Tylenol itself that was working, it was the diphenhydramine (Benadryl). Benadryl has side effects like any other drug, but it was the Tylenol that irritated your liver, not the Benadryl. Many people use the generic Benadryl with great success for sleep. What you need to know about it is that occasionally, it stops working. It is not addictive and you cannot develop a tolerance for it, but if you take a break from it, it will again begin working. The reason I know this is because I taught psychopharmacology at the graduate level for many years and have learned a lot about medications.

That being said, I wouldn’t break up with a therapist unless you think that particular therapist isn’t helping. Understand that therapists are like blue jeans. There are tons of them, but not all are a good fit. You might consider finding one that fits better. Or, you might just stick it out with this one. Things often get worse before they get better, since in therapy you have to dig into stuff that isn’t fun.

The other thing is that it sounds like your family doesn’t have very good boundaries. What is “wrong” with you isn’t their business since you are legally an adult now. Never mind who is paying for your schooling, if you don’t want to be weighed, and you don’t want mom prying into your personal issues, tell her in a very nice way, “Mom, I have to figure these things out for myself. I know you mean well, but I need some time to sort things out. I can’t eat what you tell me to eat, and I won’t be weighed anymore.”

She may have a hard time hearing these things, but you are an adult and should be treated like one. Set some boundaries, stay in therapy (even if it is with a new therapist) and take good care of yourself. You deserve it. If you want to find a therapist outside of school, look at the our therapist directory for one in your area.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

June 29, 2009 0 comments