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My Boyfriend Hates My Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Because of their past history my boyfriend doesn’t want me to be friends with her. My boyfriend and I got back together the first of March after being apart for 5 years. I moved in with him May 1st completely. I visited my daughter for a week each time in May and June. June 11th I was introduced to one of his female friends, at that time I asked him if he had slept with her, or a co-worker, he said no. I left it at that. I have only been in Wa. a few months and did not have any friends at all, so this friend of his and I started hanging out, going shopping, garage sales, things like that. We have become very good friends, and she had not been communicating with him much at all. I would only go do things with her during his work hours, so I would not loss any time with him. In the past month or so he has become very angry that I hang out with her, we got into a couple big fights about her. A lot has to do with her lifestyle being sketchy, to say the least. At first I couldn’t go to her house or her mothers house. Then it escalated to he did not want me to see her at all. I got really angry and said to him you cant tell me who I can or can not be friends with. Ended up in a huge fight, I decided that my love for him is more important then her friendship. I told him I would not see her again. I text her and explained to her that I wasn’t going to be her friend anymore. In retaliation she sent me a text about the 2 of them sleeping together, along with a text he had sent to her. I instantly got angry and confronted him about his lying to me. He said it was before we got back together, I accepted his answer once again. The next day I read the texts on her phone and was shocked he slept with her just before I moved here and when I left in May, and tried in June. She is the only person I have to communicate with besides my boyfriend and dont want to loss her, but he gets so angry when she is brought up. I don’t know what to do I am torn, should I hide her or not?

Thanks for sending in your email. It may be time to step back from this situation and ask yourself what is important to you. First and foremost you have a boyfriend who has consistently lied to you — and tried to control you. Secondly, you have a girlfriend who didn’t reveal her relationship history until it was used to hurt you.

Are these the kind of people you want in your life?

The first thing you want to ask yourself is if your boyfriend is worth all the trouble he caused by not telling you the truth in the first place. If you do, then it is time for couples counseling. This kind of thing tends not to get better over time on its own. Some professional help will be needed.

If you don’t think he is worth the investment then cut your losses and move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Don’t I Have Real Feelings in Relationships?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m 19 and have been experiencing strange emotions this past year. The deep connections I felt with friends are suddenly forced and it is almost painful to be around people. I have also had strange spells of depersonalization. My ex boyfriend died a couple years ago which led me into a spell of depression and I don’t know if I ever made it out or if I’m just used to it. I’m constantly annoyed and tired and prefer to be alone most of the time. Yet I told my best friend what has been going on and she had no clue, she said I’ve been normal but maybe a bit distant, but the differences I see/feel are blaring. I also have short bursts of rage for really no reason. My relationships are what really make me question my growing issues. To sum it up, I go for the guys who can’t be tied down and have emotional issues usually sociopathic tendencies, I hate it but no one else interests me. This is what concerns me most, I don’t think I really have feelings. I feel like I just talk myself into being “in love” with them just to prove that I could get them. In the end, all I really want to do is win them. I don’t miss them when we break up, I just can’t fathom the thought of someone else taking my spot. I go insane with texting and calling when something goes wrong and can’t control myself. I show up at their house unannounced and the next day think “was that even me, I’d never do that”. I also feel like I can’t emotionally connect with anyone and I think it’s because they sense some thing is off about me. I constantly want to fight with them and pull them back when I think they are going to leave, I am always the one who gets left but it’s almost like I ask for it. If I even date someone I feel like it’s always going to end in them prying me off of them or either marriage. I get so into one person that no matter what I will try to make it work but ruin it as well. I’ve gone to a therapist but couldn’t say this all I just said I had anxiety. Please tell me what this could be or what I should do.

Thank you for being so brave to explain all the statistical reactions. I admire your honesty. I think it may be two things that are happening simultaneously.

I would begin by looking at the unfinished grief from your boyfriend’s death. I think working through that in therapy would be good. Additionally, the fact that you preselect partners that can’t commit and then wobble back-and-forth when the relationship fails suggests that you may want to explore this pattern of attachment in therapy as well. While I believe grieving plays a big part I think this other dynamic maybe be very important in understanding why you feel the way you do. I would encourage you to bring these two points: the unresolved grief and your attachment process into therapy. Since your profile showed you are at a university means you have access through the counseling center to highly qualified counselors. They are usually very proficient in helping people sort through these types of issues, and I think talking to them about this will help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend Troubles

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been with my boyfriend for a little over a year now. At the beginning of the relationship he was very attached. We would spend every day together and had no problem with it. After a few weeks of dating he became very controlling I use to spend the night with my girlfriends all the time but in the past year I’ve probably only done that 5-7 times. I know only have about 3 friends that I rarely text because I’m to scared to touch my phone I just don’t want to cause a fight. Even asking him if I can stay the night at my friends house is hard to do because hell get mad. And yes I ask him to do things I’ve more than once expressed how I feel like his dog in this relationship. He would spend the night at my house for weeks resulting him to move into my house with me. Keep in mind we started living together about 3 months into the relationship. We fight daily it seems and over the stupidest things. He uses to get so mad punch his car door and other things to inflict self-pain he’ll scream and cause a scene. He is very big on making a scene when we fight. If we get into a fight I cant leave the room to relax I have to stay and talk. One time during a fight I needed to go for a walk and he wouldn’t let me pass him on the stairs I tried to get by and he fell back down the stairs. I felt so bad but couldn’t help to feel he did it on purpose to make me stay even after that he had to take the walk with me. I feel I’m more mature than him, he fights with me when I don’t tell him things my friends tell me and he constantly wants to know what I’m talking about when I text my friends. Even when I’m typing on the computer hell come near act and me like he’s getting something to see what I’m typing or just watch. He never helps me clean my room and only until recently when I made it apparent he never use to get his own food or anything. He has no respect for my time he always makes me late and when I get mad at him he gets mad back. When we argue he says that I never say sorry and go cuddle him to make him happy. This idea makes me mad when I’m mad at him I don’t want to cuddle him and say sorry because more than half the times he’s the reason the argument started. He gets mad when I don’t answer the phone or if I don’t text him back fast enough but that’s never the case when he does it. A lot of times we fight when it gets deep enough breaking up come up from me. He hates this and says I always use that but at that point I feel like not being with him would make me happier. I love my boyfriend but he’s a pain in my butt. I could fill a book with how many fights we have been in. I can honestly say we fight at least 4 times a week. I have no idea what to do anymore.

The first thing I’d do is to reconsider your definition of love. Your boyfriend sounds jealous, controlling, misogynistic, and apparently has an anger management problem. He seems to be a taker rather than a giver and you have explained that the most intense emotion you have with him is regular fighting. What is it you love? Everything that you’ve explained sounds like love’s opposite.

It may be that you have tolerated him and that you may be attracted to his potential rather than his reality. If you’re fighting all the time and he is jealous of you — then what do you love? Men with anger management problems who are controlling their girlfriend or wife tend to have a very rough go of it. They are often very resistant to change, blame others for problems that they are causing and have very little empathy. I would encourage you to look for and support from the woman’s center in your county. You need to see this relationship more clearly and rethink your definition of love.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How to Deal with Someone Who Is Obsessed with You

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think this boy that goes to my school is obsessed with me. We met through skype and he hasn’t given me a moment to myself since. He’s a very good friend but he wants to talk/call with me every single day and i need some time to myself. During school he follows me around all day sometimes without even saying anything. I almost always have to start the conversations. He is so quiet because he told me that he gets very bad stomach aches and starts shaking whenever he is near me. He still has these even though we have been talking almost every day since august. I don’t like to see him sick like this but he insists on always being with me. He told me he wants to go out with me but i told him i just want to be friends. I feel awful because he likes me a lot but I don’t feel the same way. In January i finally told him that i needed some time to myself but he started crying and he kept apologizing that he was such a pest and he said he would leave me alone. I didn’t want to make him cry so in an effort to calm him down I told him I didn’t mean it and I don’t actually think that.He also gets mad if I do something he doesn’t like, some examples are when we first started talking I didn’t say good morning enough to him. He told me he felt like I didn’t care about him and he was very angry with me because of this, he started texting to me in all caps and looked annoyed at school. I thought it was an extremely stupid thing to get upset about. Another time was when my friends downloaded halo(a pc game)at school and I played it with them “too much” in the morning before school (20mins). He told me I was being very selfish because I wouldn’t have a conversation with him. So I stopped. But he is still quiet when around me. More recently he told me he has been suicidal and is extremely depressed because we haven’t been calling enough even though we text every.single.day. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt his feelings or worse. help. (From the USA)

 It sounds like you already know what to do but aren’t quite able to do it yet. That is a different thing than not knowing. You sound very clear that you do not like to be smothered by this boy, feel too controlled by him, that he makes you feel guilty, and is blaming you for his depression and suicidal thoughts. None of this is okay. The fact that he has shared that he has been suicidal changes everything. This is not healthy — and not something you can manage on your own. I would immediately talk to the guidance counselor in your high school and let him or her know that this is going on. Your friend needs help and you being nice to him because you are worried about him emotionally is an indication that he needs more help than you can give. In some ways it is like being bullied: he uses he emotions to try and control your behavior.

Please make this a priority. Your friend needs help from others. The best thing you can do as a friend is help him best by letting others know he is having thoughts of hurting himself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Relationship Recovery

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

From Dubai: I was engaged to someone I love for a year; I love him so much and couldn’t imagine my life without him. I have struggled a lot emotionally due to the loss of my father last year and he was supportive and always there, but for some reason he constantly quizzes me and doesn’t have any trust in me. He says that I have to earn it and I have absolutely done EVERYTHING and risked many things, as my culture doesn’t allow me to. He will question me on everything and I have to prove everything he has doubt in. for example if I had another line on the phone he will ask me to capture the screen for him to make sure if I was telling the truth. I work in an office all by myself but he gets very paranoid and insecure wondering what I do. I’m not aloud to drive, he wants me to leave my job and I cant hangout with any of my friends, the conclusion is while I’m not around him he loses his trust he just wants to keep me under his eye and under control. I got used to him a lot and I was very patient with him but now I had to breakup bcoz I couldn’t handle. In addition, I’m finding it very hard to cope as I have got used to him he was honestly the only person I was with 24/7 yet I couldn’t impress him. plz help and advice me if what I did was good for me. Thank You.

The kind of jealousy that your boyfriend is displaying needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later. You’re right that it’s out of control, inappropriate, and for you to have left.

Men who are trying to control their women at that level are operating out of a profound level of insecurity. This insecurity and jealousy and Are being dealt with by trying to control you. You do not want to be with someone like this.

Don’t make the mistake many women in your position make by going back thinking it will get better. It doesn’t — not without a lot of emotional work and therapy on the man’s part. For future relationships or if you do decide to go back to this one, I would be very clear about the fact that if you wanted to cheat on him nothing he does is going to stop that: Trusting each other is the only thing that will work.

There are a number of different strategies you can try to help with this situation.

  1. Open and honest communication: Have an open and honest conversation with your boyfriend about his jealousy and how it makes you feel. Encourage him to express his feelings and listen to him without judgment.
  2. Set clear boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are acceptable and not acceptable in the relationship. This can help prevent jealousy-fueled conflicts and improve trust in the relationship.
  3. Address the root cause of jealousy: Jealousy can stem from insecurities and past experiences. Encourage your boyfriend to work through these underlying issues with a therapist or counselor.
  4. Focus on building trust: Building trust is essential in overcoming jealousy. Show your boyfriend that he can trust you by being transparent, accountable, and consistent in your actions and behaviors.

It’s important to remember that jealousy can be a complex and sensitive issue, and it may take time and effort to overcome. It may also be helpful to seek support from a therapist or counselor for both you and your boyfriend.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Girlfriend Can’t Accept My Sexual Past

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Santo Domingo: I’m currently dating a woman that i have known for about 3 years now, 2 from which she was in a relationship with another woman. We dated before she was with her previous partner but at the time it didn’t work out.

I decided to keep being friends but sometimes i am afraid that from my end i never really saw her as a friend but as the person I actually want to be with and couldn’t. over the course of her relationship I dated other people and had a couple of casual sexual encounters, ultimately none of the relationships worked.

Her relationship ended and after a while we started. It wasn’t with the intention of hiding it was more leaned towards the fact that i didn’t want to discuss her relationship and i thought that bringing the subject of my current relationships would have brought a subject that i wasn’t sure if i could handle. I regret not being honest about what was really going on i never lied about it either she knew the amount (10) but she didn’t know the time frame and circumstances of how they happened.

We started dating and were ok, but then she started wondering about specifics, she found some old texts in my phone they were from 5 months before we started in which she saw the way i described other relationships to a friend, i never meant to keep it a secret but at this point she was already upset just with the number and i didn’t think bringing up the details would help, she cant let it go but still tries to be with me.

Problem is she constantly gets upset just by remembering it (she explicitly says its not about the hiding its about the amount)
” you just used to be with anyone” is one of the most used phrases. I love her but i don’t like to be judged by things I did before I was with her and while she was in a relationship of her own. i want to know if there’s anything i can do to make it work. There are way more details to the story if any other information can shed some more light to the matter please let me know.

Once people are adults, part of dating is learning to accept that most people do have a romantic and sexual past. She has had other partners. You have had more. If she wants to be with you, she needs to find a way to focus on the present and to celebrate that you, after so much experience, choose to be with her. You can’t do that for her. All you can do is repeat that yes, you’ve been with others, but you want to be with her now and give her all the reasons why she is special. Then it is up to her.

One other thought: It may be that she worries that you give up on relationships too easily. Ten past relationships at your age is unusual. She may need reassurance that you are willing and able to work on a relationship if things get a little rough between you — not just walk away. I hope that’s the truth. Every relationship goes through some difficult times. If you are committed to this relationship in ways that you were not in prior ones, you need to find a way to tell her so that she can believe.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Relationships: Trust vs Boundaries Respect and Understanding vs Dismissal

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My girlfriend and I grew into a relationship that is very valued. I found us important and I believe she does as well. We both realized we had past relationships, but she mentioned that she had one that was a friends with benefits relationship. His name came up a few times. I found that she used to work with this guy and they remained friends. Up until right about here, I was not thinking much of anything about it. When I mentioned something about a “named guy” having a past with her and they still being friends, she replied “yeah, and I STILL friends with him…” (maybe red flag?). Anyways as time went on, there were get togethers at first with out me…then I asked if I could come to one where he’d be there. I went, and I really just got an entirely bad vibe. Long drawn out hugs followed by “I miss yous…”. I tried my best to voice my discomfort with the situation, but she was very defensive and dismissive, saying I have nothing to worry about and that it was just sex…(more than a few times). Needless to say, it has not been resolved. I feel resentful now of the entire scenario and worse, it seems like this guy just keep “showing up” places where either we or just her and her friends go. I’m losing patients, I don’t want to control her or somehow erase her past. I would like her to understand that I am uncomfortable with the whole thing and it has taken a life of its own in my head now. I can always break up with her to avoid feeling this way, but I love her. I just don’t feel like she cares. The only reason I can think of her dismissing it is because she is ok with it, there is no reason I shouldn’t be. I’m not sure she realizes that being defensive and dismissive makes it seem like there is something going on, or that she is saving. I try to stay calm, but I get very upset about it sometimes. She says she loves me and wants me, but this all makes it seem contradictory.

Overanalyzing something or ruminating about it, is often just a defense mechanism to delay our coming to the truth. You say that you do not want to control her but would just like her to understand that you are uncomfortable with the situation, the one between her and her ex-boyfriend. It appears to me that she already knows how uncomfortable this situation is for you. In all likelihood, she just doesn’t care. If I may quote you, from your last paragraph, “I just don’t feel like she cares.” And neither do I.

You are not the only boyfriend or husband, who would be upset seeing their girlfriend or wife, having frequent, long-lasting hugs with a former sexual partner. Many other men or perhaps even most would be equally upset. They would not be happy and they would find their wife’s or girlfriend’s behavior to be unacceptable. Not everyone of course but many, if not most.

It is important in a relationship for both people to love the other equally or as close to equally as is possible. When one person loves the other more, then they become the underdog. The more loved one in the relationship will quickly come to realize their status and recognize that a breakup would hurt their partner more than it would hurt them. Knowing this, many of the more loved will take advantage of the less loved. That is why it is so important to be loved as much as you do love. Then both parties would suffer equal pain as a result of a breakup. As Bonnie Rait pointed out “you can’t make someone love you if they don’t.” You can’t make your girlfriend love you more than she does. It may be time to move on and find that woman who will love you just as much as you love her. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Need Boyfriend to Understand

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My boyfriend and I have been together close to 10 years. Recently, I left him after an argument, one of many. It was the breaking point for me after spending years of him abusing me verbally, mentally, emotionally, and with his constant accusation of infidelity and drug abuse on a daily basis.

Because I left him he has not accepted that I need to work on my well- being as a whole and I can’t do it while dealing with his crap, so I need to be away from him, at the same time he needs to seek help as well for past history of abuse as a child, which he finally agrees to because he states he wants us in his life.

However, his constant texting/calling/messaging multiple times everyday is not allowing me to do what I need to do. If I don’t answer his text, he messages by messenger and if I don’t answer that, he calls and he sometimes pops up out of nowhere at our sons school or my parents where I am staying at and it’s causing me anxiety. Either way, He claims to miss us (I have our son with me) and loves us, yet questions as to what I am doing at that moment and where everyone is or wants us to come over and spend time with him.

Before leaving him, he always got aggravated if I didn’t spend time with him, even though I never went out of the house, except to go to my parents every other weekend to visit with my two oldest sons from a previous relationship, or to pick- up/drop- off our 4 year old son at HeadStart.

He works 3 days out of the week Fri-Sun and the rest he is home (unless he decides to work extra hours) and I was with him ALL THE TIME. I also understand that he has the right to talk to his son. But he expects me to talk to me afterwards, and I feel he uses our son as a way to talk to me.

He claims my lack of communication with him is because I don’t love him, yet I do. I just need to be alone to work on me because I’m a train wreck mentally, physically, and emotionally. I can’t take care or protect my son that way. How do I get him to understand that?

 

A:  You will never get him to “understand.” The problem is not about getting him to understand. He perfectly understands what he is doing. He has always been controlling you and he is trying to continue controlling you now.

You are caught up in the cycle of abuse that is common in this kind of relationship. You keep trying to reassure him, to gain some distance, and to develop a life separate from him. The more you do that, the more he reasserts control. The more he controls, the more you try to reassure. It simply doesn’t, and won’t, work.

I strongly urge you to see if there is a women’s shelter or a domestic violence program near you. Such programs have counselors available who are familiar with the cycle of abuse and who can coach you about how to withdraw safely from this relationship.

I also urge you to consult with a lawyer about your rights. You may need a restraining order to get your boyfriend to respect some boundaries.

In the meantime, do contact the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1 800 799 SAFE (7233). From their website (www.thehotline.org) : “Our highly-trained advocates are available 24/7 to talk confidentially with anyone experiencing domestic violence, seeking resources or information, or questioning unhealthy aspects of their relationship.”

Stay safe: Controlling men often get angry and even violent if they learn that their partner is seeking help. If there is any chance your boyfriend can get access to your phone or your computer, erase this message and use a friend’s or a library computer or phone to contact the Hotline.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is He Being Controlling?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: Hi, Recently I’ve noticed my partner has been really moody and down so today I asked how he is. I got the same response as usual, which is that he can’t really describe it, stuff is getting caught up with his issues and because we had been arguing a lot lately.

A parcel had arrived for me today, so I asked if it was because I’d bought something for myself (it was a new cat bed). He said yeah. He explained previously that he felt bad when I bought something because he’d lent me money to pay bills. BUT this was months ago, I have since paid him back and received a payment from work and will be starting a new job soon with better pay so recently treated myself to supplies for my hobby out of my own money which only cost like $30-50.

We are not married, we do not live together and we do not have a joint account and our bills are paid separately, all my bills are up to date. He buys food for us when he stays over but I do his washing for him and pay for utilities and he uses the electricity at mine for free so doesn’t have to pay as much of his own utility bills as he is using mine for free.

I do not understand his issue so I am here looking for help. He says his old therapist used to tell him it’s “neurological pathways”, he said it’s just like how I feel threatened/ have panic attacks over little things due to past experiences. I dispute this because I have abuse in my past that have left me like this. I have never used him or spent his money – in fact I have never asked for a penny and feel very uncomfortable when he insisted on helping me before.

He insists it’s neurological pathways, when something is repeated it becomes an issue just like learning to drive. When I ask what is being repeated (because I’ve not done anything wrong) he says nothing in particular, that’s just how it works. I don’t understand what he’s talking about and feel it is an excuse for control. He refuses to read this over to check I’ve got it all accurate. But does he have a point that I am misunderstanding? If so please explain.

I don’t understand what he’s talking about either. I also don’t understand why you are in this relationship. From what you wrote, it doesn’t sound like he is contributing equally to the practical aspects of life (laundry, paying his electricity, etc.). You mention nothing about feeling loved, cherished, or supported for who you are.

Instead of working on improving your communication, your boyfriend confuses you and denies personal responsibility for his behavior with his talk about neurological pathways. Really?

It may be that you are arguing more because you are slowly coming to terms with the idea that, however charming he may be, this relationship isn’t working for you. Do think about it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Think My Friend Has an Unhealthy Obsession with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I met this friend on the first day of college freshman year (we are soon to be juniors) and it has become increasingly apparent that something is not right. My other friends actually sat me down to tell me they thought she was genuinely in love with me, but I thought they were just being dramatic. She has always been a little nuts (yelling at guys she doesn’t like, getting belligerently drunk, etc). I thought she was just a lot of fun and I didn’t mind be friends with someone a little out there. Everything changed when 4 of my best friends (including her, who was my best friend at the time) got an apartment together. It’s too hard to explain so let me just list things that have happened and are happening:
– she screamed at guests we had over for being too loud and insulted them when she could have just asked for quiet (by the way she is the loudest person I know)
– Recently, we had to take her to the emergency room when I got a call from my friend saying she was unresponsive and needed to go to the ER. When I showed up she started yelling to everyone to fuck off and to only let me near her when I wasn’t even the one at the time helping her
– We went out one night and she got so angry at me for not wanting to go to the same club as her that she yelled at me in public
– Every time I go out with her she drinks so much that I have to follow around and take care of her ALL night
– she tells every person she meets that I am her best friend and that we are attached at the hip
– She spent over 1k on me both my birthdays even though anyone who knows me knows I would NEVER want that
– she constantly talks about how we will be each others bridesmaids
– she follows me around for entire days and nags me constantly to hang out with her
– she gets very jealous and angry when I have other friends. She has straight up bullied my new roommate since she moved in
She has had an extremely hard life and I feel so guilty but I can’t do it anymore, help?

There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Based on the contents of your letter, you didn’t do anything wrong and thus there is no reason to feel guilt. The fact that she’s had a hard life has nothing to do with you.

You are not a therapist nor can you help her with any of the problems she may have. A therapist would be in the best position to help her. They have the specialized training to help people with problems and difficult lives. You do not have that training and thus have no power to help her. She needs professional help.

If you no longer wish to be her friend, then it would be wise to stop all contact with her. All contact means all contact. This means not accepting text messages, phone calls, visits, etc. It may be difficult, for a host of reasons, but likely necessary to protect yourself against an unstable person. If she continues to contact you, despite your having told her you want no contact, then you might need to alert the police. They can protect you against unstable and potentially dangerous people. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Partner Who’s Obsessed with Past Relationships, Clingy But Not Intimate, Jealousy with Sexual Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been dating someone I care, but something is severely wrong. He said he loved immediately after we met and became hyper attached, obsessed with me. He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating if I went out with friends and didn’t text for a few hours. I managed to calm down his jealousy and to his credit, he stopped worrying about much 2 months into the relationship.

Sexually, he was into cuckholding and wanted me to talk about humiliating him and sleeping with guys in front of him, telling him he wasn’t allowed to sleep with me. He wanted to masturbate to me clothed. But he also claims emphatically that he enjoys sleeping with me more than anyone ever (which I believe). This created a paradox for me with the jealousy concerns however. Concurrently he talks obsessively about his ex-girlfriends who he also became obsessed with while dating. Literally he brings them up (some from over 14yrs ago) a few times a day.

The final “straw” was when I found out that he has been essentially online obsessing and masturbating (via social media) to nearly every woman he’s either slept with or has been interested in/rejected by all the while saying he’s just not that into sex. He insists that he’s just not that sexual of a person — but masturbates 1-3 times a day, and after just a few weeks of us sleeping together he started doing things like waking up in the night next to me and masturbating despite me asking him to wake me up so we could have sex. He frequently has problems getting an erection with other women and in his last relationship didn’t have sex with her more than 12-15 times in 2 years.

His father was very emotionally abusive, but he claims his mother was very caring and that his upbringing was fairly normal. But he’s 42 and has never had a relationship longer than 2-3 years and is consumed with dating and many women. He moves every 1-2 years. He also takes great pride in being socially popular. His sister is 40 and has never been in a relationship before. She’s also HIGHLY OCD and sterilizes her apartment.

I’d like to get information about what the issue might be, as it seems pretty serious.

Here are the things that concern me. He masturbates 1 to 3 times a day, yet claims that he does not have a high sex drive. He chooses to masturbate rather than to wake you up, as you have requested, to have sex with you. He talks about ex-girlfriend’s incessantly. According to your understanding, he became hyper-attached and obsessed with you at the very start of your relationship. He is 42 and has never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 2 to 3 years. The behavior of his sister appears odd to you. He takes great pride in being popular.

Altogether, this suggests that he is quite successful in shallow relationships but is a failure in deeper relationships. Shallow relationships are simple and not at all complex. They are much easier to maintain, little is asked of the participants in the relationship. Deeper relationships are more challenging. They require skills and abilities that are qualitatively different from that of the shallow relationship. A deeper relationship is not like water. A deeper relationship, when talking about water, is when 3 feet changes to 4 feet. It is the same thing, only more of it. A deeper or meaningful relationship, involves a qualitative change. We are not talking about simply more water as the relationship deepens but we are talking about moving from water to something different and thus a qualitative change. A deeper relationship is not simply “more” of a shallow relationship. Your boyfriend is successful and has the skills necessary to thrive in a shallow relationship. However, it appears, from your written description, that he does not possess the skills that are necessary to be successful in a deeper or more meaningful relationship.

It is reasonable to conclude that in his long dating history a number of relationships would have succeeded had he possessed the skills necessary to make them work once they changed from shallow to deep. Without professional help, it is very unlikely that he will develop the necessary skills. With professional help, there is a high probability that he can develop the necessary skills.

Please bear in mind that I have not had the opportunity to work with your boyfriend. I have not had the opportunity to ask him a single relevant question. I have only the words that you have chosen to write to me. Hopefully, it is quite obvious that I do not, nor does anyone else, have the ability to diagnose someone that they have never worked with professionally. I have attempted to share my professional knowledge with you. I have not attempted to advise you or diagnose your boyfriend. I would, if I could but as I have just explained, I can’t because it simply is impossible.

If your boyfriend will not enter therapy, you could make an appointment with a professional. Though the therapist that you see will still be limited because they are unable to work directly with your boyfriend, at least they would be able to question you in great depth and you would be able to provide them far more knowledge than was contained in the short email sent to this site. Please don’t think that I am blaming you for sending a short email. If it’d been twice as long, or even 10 times as long, it would not have been enough information to have enabled me to make a diagnosis or advise you with reasonable certainty.

I cannot diagnose or do therapy over the Internet. I would suggest that he or you or both, see someone locally who will have the ability to question and probe and do therapy or at least advise with reasonable certainty. Thanks for writing.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Love My Boyfriend More Than He Loves Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Hawaii: I am in a solid relationship with a man who is quite a bit older than me. We have been together nearly two years but I have known him for 3. He has, of course, been in many other relationships and was even married for a short period a long time ago.

I often feel like I love him and care for him more than he does me. I think this has a lot to do with the fact that he is the only man I’ve ever loved, so it is different for me than it is for him. I can deal with that. But I can’t seem to handle the jealousy.

Every time he mentions an ex or I see that his most recent ex has liked/commented on something he posts, I get this sinking feeling in my stomach. Not to mention when he shows me pictures he’s taken of women who are much more attractive than I am (he used to do model photography). I don’t think he understands how it affects me, even though I’ve tried explain it.

I know I have low self esteem and that contributes to the problem, but I don’t know how to handle it. He’s the center of my universe and I don’t know what I’d do without him but I feel like he just enjoys having me around, and it wouldn’t be any big deal if I up and left.

These thoughts are increasing my anxiety and making me feel depressed. I’m just not sure what to do or how to approach him and tell him that I can’t handle it when he talks fondly of women he’s been with or women that he’s taken pictures of.

I know this is my issue and it isn’t, in any way, his fault but I can’t keep feeling this way. It’s eating me up inside.

I don’t think this is about “quantity” of loving. It’s more about difference. You are coming to this relationship with a first time love. He’s bringing a history of loving (and losing) other people. That difference will show itself in many, many ways as you develop this relationship.

Neither of you can erase his history. You shouldn’t. It’s part of what makes him who he is. If he separated amicably but finally from prior loves, it is unreasonable to demand that he cut off all contact.

Of more concern to me than the difference in history is that he continues to show you pictures and talk about his past even though you have told him that it troubles you. It may be that he thinks this will help you get over your jealousy. If that’s his motivation, it is obviously not working. But if he gets something out of making you jealous, it’s a big red flag.

Rather than complain about his behavior, see if you can find out why he persists in doing it. Is this behavior perhaps why other relationships didn’t work out? If so, it’s his issue, not yours. Is he really trying to be helpful? Then he needs to find another way to reassure you.

It’s also true that you may be over-reacting. Without more information, I’m not in a position to say.

What I do know is that it takes two to create this kind of impasse. For that reason, I think a few sessions with a couples counselor is a good idea. A counselor can observe how the two of you interact and can make suggestions for getting past this problem.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Unable to Forget Him and Move On

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My relation with my ex boyfriend was virtual! It has been 5 years now , i met him on Facebook and we both loved each other so much , it may seem weird , but i really adore him! i have never seen him in real life either , because we are not from the same country. I’m Tunisian and he is algerian. We were together for 2 years and we have broken up 3 years ago. it’s all because his mum was against our relationship.

i Could’t get over it. i begged him. i said i ll wait .. he just refused! He said , I adore you. I have never loved a girl as much as i did with u , but it’s impossible , we can’t be together anymore ! i can’t give up my family .. i felt that moment that am useless and that i can’t do anything to protect our love from vanishing!

As a result , i didn’t eat for weeks. i hurted my legs and my arms with my nails till they bled. i was crying everywhere ( train station , streets , any public place..)i wrote letters for him , i tried the impossible! nothing worked.

And now it’s 2014 , and i’m still remembering every souvenir with him, I can’t even love anybody else. I always feel that i’m bertaying him, i always have that hope which is that one day he will come back to me because i always think that he is mine. i told him that he can can be with any other girl, have fun and do what he wants to do, but he still mine.

Most people say that i should forget about him and start a new life and i have to look forward and never come back to the past but, believe me , i can’t forget ….. i don’t even want to forget, because my memories with him are my happiness .
PS: i still talk to him till now, but just like simple Friends which is for me a white lie!
Give me some advices please ..

I’m sorry you are in such pain. And I’m very sorry that you aren’t going to like my advice. You met this guy online when you were at the very impressionable age of 13. The two of you had a wonderful fantasy about love and relationships that simply won’t hold up as young adults. Although you have powerful feelings for him, they aren’t the feelings of mature love. He can’t be “yours.” People who love each other don’t own each other. You two broke up 3 years ago. He has grown beyond the fantasy and you haven’t. Unfortunately, staying in contact has only helped keep the fantasy going on your part.

My guess is that you are afraid of having a real life relationship with a person who is truly available to you. You cover those anxieties with your obsession about a boy you’ve never met. Both wanting a relationship and being scared of what it means is a normal part of the teen years. The way past the fear is to be friendly with guys you like and to start going out in a group to fun activities.

If you can’t do that, I do suggest you consider some therapy at this point. Three years is a long time to mourn the break up of any relationship. In your case, it is preventing you from experiencing an important period of personal growth and development. You can and will find real love. But only if you make yourself available for it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Can’t I Let Go of My Girlfriend’s Past?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young man in Germany: I’ll try to be as brief as possible. I recently started a new relationship with this girl. Before we started our relationship she spent a year living the single life – hooking up on Tinder, partying and having a general good time.

I spent, on the other hand, my previous years as a single without ever hooking up, having one night stands and not even partying that much because of different reasons, probably because I felt insecure about myself and also because of setting-related problem (I come from a small town where this is just not the culture). She’s gone past all of that – she’s now settling down while I am more than ready to start all of this.

My past GF didn’t like partying, drinking and so on, while my current (when I met her) seemed to be all for it. Now, it’s quite the opposite. feels like i’m back with my ex, not able to have that kind of fun with my girlfriend. So not only I can’t have this life that she had, but I don’t even have to share it with her.

on top of that, and I must say, the hardest part, is that I find myself incredibly uncomfortable now when she talks about her hook ups and past partying experiences – I feel jealous because I’ve never experienced this “agressive” life, and the image of her hooking up randomly with people really disturbs me to a point where these thoughts have become an obsession.

I can’t fall asleep at night because I see her next to me and all I think about is her having intercourse with all of these people. Why do I feel this way, why does it disturb me so much? I can’t look at her without immediately having images in my head…These thoughts are creating big problems in my daily life with her. I can’t be serene around her.

Why am i feeling this way? What can I do?

Thanks

Thank you for writing. You and your girlfriend are out of step with each other. She gave herself permission to be a risk taker and partier for awhile. Now, as you say, she has gotten that out of her system and she is ready to have a more serious, lasting relationship. You, on the other hand, feel like you missed out on being young and wild. When she talks about her past, it reminds you of what you think you missed.

Being irresponsible when young isn’t all that it’s cracked up to be. There is a fantasy in western culture that having that period of time is important, even necessary, before moving into adulthood. It is a fantasy. Although social media may present partying, substance abuse, and hooking up as normal and desirable behavior, it’s not .

A Child Trends study in 2011 found that only 8% of 18- to 25-year-olds reported casually dating with 67% reporting that they were dating exclusively, cohabiting, or were married. 25% reported having no relationship at all. According to a 2013 national survey, only 20% of college students had hooked up more than 10 times by their senior year.

More recently, a 2017 study by the Harvard Graduate School of Education found that young adults do not hook up nearly as much as older people and even their peers think they do. In fact, 70% of 18 to 25-year-olds involved in the Harvard survey said they wished they had received more information from parents about the emotional side of relationships. They concluded that the fantasy about  “hooking up”  hurts young adults because they don’t know how to pursue a healthy, intimate relationship and don’t know how to identify when a relationship isn’t healthy. From the report: “Helping young people develop the skills to maintain caring romantic relationships and treat those of different genders with dignity and respect also helps strengthen their ability to develop caring, responsible relationships at every stage of their lives and to grow into ethical adults, community members, and citizens.”

In short: You haven’t been left behind, not when the majority of young people aren’t hooking up.

Your distress may be grounded in worries that you don’t have what it takes to match your girlfriend’s prior experiences. You may be in a kind of unconscious competition with her past hook-ups. It’s a competition you can’t win because you imagine that men in her past were somehow ideal or at least “better” at sex than you are. Or maybe you worry that she finds you lacking in sexual prowess because she has so many men to compare you to.

In addition, you may be dealing personally with the confusion Western culture continues to have about sex. On the one hand, social media promotes having lots of sexual experience.  On the other hand, there is still value placed on virginity or limiting sexual intimacy to serious relationships. You may be struggling with that duality.You are jealous of your girlfriend’s experience but you chose not to do it.

If I were seeing the two of you for therapy, I would remind you that your girlfriend has chosen you, not one of the other men. She is with you because none of them measures up to you in ways that are important to her. It would probably help if she would tell you what she values about you.

I would also suggest that It is not helpful for your girlfriend to tell you stories about her carefree and risky past. Those stories only make you anxious that you are somehow inferior.

If your relationship is to last, you need to find a way to value your own choices. You could have done the same as your girlfriend, if not in your own town, while you were on vacation or at school. You didn’t. I believe there were good reasons for your choice that you may have forgotten.

If you can’t come to terms with the difference in your histories, your relationship won’t last. You won’t be able to tolerate feeling always inferior because of that difference. She won’t be able to tolerate your jealousy and your judgment.

If this letter doesn’t help you stop your obsessional thinking, then I think the two of you would benefit from a few sessions with an experienced couples counselor. In counseling, you can get to root cause of your distress and the two of you will identify tools for developing the loving intimacy you both want and deserve.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

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Anger Management with Alcohol

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the UK: After seeing a girl for 5 months we have recently decided to become ‘exclusive’ and put the boyfriend/girlfriend label on our relationship.

However, since doing that I have found myself getting jealous of her dealings with other males and getting angry at her when I am under the influence of alcohol. I am not a violent or angry man and only direct my anger towards her and no one else when I am drinking. It has been 7 separate occasions within the 5 weeks we have been seeing each other.

I have never been angry or abusive like this and when alcohol isn’t involved we are a fantastic couple and the relationship is progressing extremely well. There are times when I get angry towards her but don’t have any recollection due to the sheer amount of alcohol I consumed. However, there are other times when I am consciously aware what I am doing but can’t seem to stop despite her regularly being in tears.

The reason of my anger varies but jealously with her dealings with other males has been a consistent. I also believe that sexual frustration is evident but we do lead a very active sex life. If I think there is a chance that there won’t be intercourse that night believe that this is another reason for my verbal abuse. I have never become physical with her but I am told my dealings with her have caused her great mental anguish to the point where we are now on a ‘break’ so she can determine if she wants to continue in this relationship and I obviously need time to get some help.

I have decided to stop drinking alcohol for the foreseeable future and desperately want to seek professional help. This is a girl who I am really fond of and basically I don’t want to lose her from my life. I believe sustaining from drinking will limit issues but I want to know the root of my problems towards her.

Is there any medical professional in whom I should seek out? Any advice would be tremendously appreciated to get a handle on these problems and resume the relationship with a girl who greatly enriches my life.

Alcohol is a disinhibitor. When someone has drunk too much, the usual boundaries that make us civilized human beings can be eroded. In a way, it gives a person “permission” to say and do things that he may want to say and do but that the civilized self won’t permit.

I’m concerned for you on two levels: First, your drinking is clearly out of control. I’m glad you’ve decided to stop. It may be more difficult than you think. There are treatment programs and therapists who specialize in helping people stay quit. You’ve already seen what alcohol can cost you. I hope you will do whatever you need to do to be in recovery.

Secondly: You seem to have unresolved issues around jealously and trust that come out when you’ve been drinking. If those issues aren’t dealt with, they will eat away at your relationship — with or without the alcohol. I suspect that something happened in a prior relationship that is now impacting this one. Do your girlfriend and yourself the much needed favor of getting to the root of this problem. It threatens to destroy a promising partnership.

Trust the wise person inside of you. The behaviors that are of concern are your system’s way of telling you that you need to take care of some personal business before you are fit to make a permanent commitment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Kind regards

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Jealousy and Trust Issues

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, my partner and me have been together for about a year now and everything is going well however, my partner does not seem to trust me. I have not cheated on him or anything like that but he has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I love him with all my heart and I would never even think of doing something like that.

I am a university student and like all students, I have both male and female friends. Whenever I am with any of my male friends he gets jealous and moody even if I am with a group of them. I have cut down on the amount I talk to any of my friends but he still has it in his head that I will cheat on him. I don’t know how to convince him that I love him and only him and I will not cheat on him.

He knows everything about my ex and my partners and I know about his ex’s. He thinks I lie to him about things and I don’t, I just get annoyed and don’t answer him or get angry at him as I don’t know what to say to make him believe I am not going anywhere. If I ask him he always says he trusts me but his actions show differently, and it really upsets me when he does. It’s not often he does this but when he does it’s heart breaking for me and it stresses me out a lot. Please could someone help me and advise me on what’s best for me to do.

Your boyfriend’s jealousy is his to manage and deal with. You’re not going to convince him. My experience in this area and research on it shows that even if you alter yourself in some way to appease him — he’ll just continue to condemn you. This is because the distortion is his to fix not yours. I would do three things.

First, I would start talking about your own feelings when he accuses you. Rather then explain and defend yourself begin talking about how hurtful it is not to feel trusted. Let him know he’s not the only one in the relationship that gets to have feelings.

Secondly, be very clear that his behavior directly causes your reaction. In other words, point out that the thing that makes the relationship difficult is his mistrust, blame, and criticism of you.

If you do go to couples counseling I would be very clear with the therapist that your boyfriend’s jealousy is destroying the relationship.

I would not wait to begin dealing with this. Men with these kind of control issues and jealousy tend not to improve on their own. They keep finding reasons and rationale to blame, condemn and mistrust, and they try to micromanage and over-control their girlfriends and wives.

Make an appointment with a couples counselor but make it clear and he needs to be doing his own work on this. If it doesn’t improve in a few months, you may want to consider moving on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Ongoing Issues with My In-laws Not Respecting Boundaries with Husband’s Ex-Girlfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My husband and I have been married for 12 yrs and have several children. My husband’s family have remained close friends with his ex-girlfriend. The friendship, in and of itself did not previously bother me. However, she has been invited over for holidays and family events in the past, and even after my husband and I have set very clear boundaries that we are not comfortable with this & requested that we are not to be invited to the same events. We moved and have lived 1,000 miles away and only visit every other year or so to their town. However, his youngest sister has asked his ex-girlfriend to officiate/do the vows in her upcoming wedding (with her father who is the pastor of his family’s church, because legally the ex-girlfriend can’t do it.) I realize she would be invited to the wedding because of the closeness of the relationship his family has maintained with her (which now does bother me). This choice has made it difficult for us to attend the wedding and allow our daughter to be included in the wedding party. I’m really trying to see it from both sides, but the ex-girlfriend’s presence really has created problems in the past 12 years (too extensive to go into). My husband’s mother continues to bring her up in conversation with us and alone with my husband when I’m not around, trying to facilitate communication between them. She is married, without children. I’m not really sure how to deal with this situation. What is the best way to communicate with his family and manage our attendance or involvement, especially in regard to the upcoming wedding? My husband told his sister she would have to choose between the ex being invited, or us, because it continues to create tension in our relationship whenever she is around or brought up in conversation by his family. We’ve had limited communication with the family due to the tension this (and other boundary violations) in the past and just began visiting last year for his brother’s wedding (which the ex also attended and helped coordinate-which we didn’t previously know). I didn’t say anything during that visit, but feel like we will continue to be expected to tolerate our boundary requests being ignored, therefore creating more tension in our marriage every visit and hindering our relationships with extended family. What is a healthy response?

 Your husband is right to tell his sister she would have to choose between the ex being invited, or the two of you. If they can’t respect your wishes and needs, then you have to honor your own and take a stand for what you believe. I wouldn’t belabor the point. If he has already let his sister know, I’d put a time limit on the decision process. In other words, something that says “if we don’t hear from you by…we will assume you’ve made your choice and will not make arrangements to be there.”

Finally, if you have it in you and it is authentic, let his younger sister know that it is important for her to have her special day the way she wants it, and that you wish her well even though the situation is such that you won’t be there. It sounds like both these things are true, and if they are, you can say them as a way of maintaining a connection.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Enjoy Feeling in Control of Others

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: I don’t know why, but I enjoy feeling in control of others more than I should. I manipulate and blackmail to get what I want, which makes me sound like a bad person when I’m really not, but recently I have started to think about and even seriously consider murder. How easy would it be to just stab my parents in their sleep? Of course, I would never do something like that, but for some reason I’m not worried about my homicidal thoughts, when I really should be. I would ask my mother about this, but I’m pretty sure she’d just dismiss my questions, as I have a history of lying to get attention.

I’m usually not one for talking about my feelings, but recently my violent thoughts have become more frequent and I have felt more and more distant from the people around me. I don’t want to end up in jail for the rest of my life, so I decided to seek answers, but I feel more comfortable discussing my issues anonymously, so here I am.

If you’re wondering whether I’ve ever been diagnosed with a mental illness, I haven’t. But I think I may have some form of Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, due to the strange obsessive habits I have such as washing my hands with all the taps in my house in a certain order after touching the fridge and some other objects, and my unexplainable phobia of fruit and car seats. In case you couldn’t tell, I’ve researched this. But the Internet can only tell you so much.

Anyway, I think my homicidal thoughts are more of a problem than my obsessive habits. I remember when I was younger, a bird flew into my window. I took it to my grandmother, who said that it was still alive, and told me to put it back outside. So I did. But for some reason, looking at that stupid bird just lying on the ground in front of me made me angry. It looked so helpless like that, and I wanted to hurt it. I think this counts as animal abuse, but I was about eight at the time, so I don’t think I can get arrested… anyway, I took a rock and crushed its head. I can remember feeling scared of all the blood, but I didn’t want to get caught, so I buried it and the rock in the garden and went about my business. I don’t remember feeling guilty though…

is there something wrong with me? Reading this to myself, it really looks like a plea for attention. But I hope you will take me seriously and tell me what’s going on.

I’m most concerned that you believe your mother would think you are trying for attention if you shared your story with her. Of course, there is no way for me to know whether you really aren’t getting enough attention or if your beliefs about how much a person should get is unrealistic. That being said: Is it possible that you are upping the seriousness of your thoughts in order to get the attention you need?

In itself, the incident with the bird doesn’t worry me. Little kids sometimes do horrible things out of curiosity or ignorance. But the way you remember it does worry me a lot. It looks to me that you are projecting your current angry feelings about helplessness onto that event. Is it possible that you hate how helpless you feel? In addition, you report symptoms that do suggest Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If that is the case, it could be that the OCD extends to your thoughts as well as behaviors and that you can’t easily let go of an idea once it takes hold.

These are complicated issues. Your letter is very articulate for a 13-year-old. That tells me that you would benefit from seeing a counselor to help you sort them out. I hope you will show your letter and this response to your mother. Some sessions with a counselor who specializes in working with anxiety disorders and teens would help you manage your symptoms and give you peace of mind.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Checks Out Other Women/Girls

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend admitted to me that he checks out other girls because I asked him if he did. It makes me uncomfortable. I think it is just disrespectful to me. I’m okay if he notices if someone is ugly or good-looking, but I am not okay if he is staring or ogling at women’s breasts, legs and figure. He said that it is something he cannot control since it happens automatically, which tells me he has had this habit for a long time. When I notice a good-looking person, I do not stare at their crotch wondering what size it is, or point them out when I am in a relationship. For me, I’d be happier if he noticed a beautiful person, not pointed them out and moved on. Apparently with his past relationships he was comfortable pointing them out, but I’m not. He has agreed to not point them out, and says he feels like he has to be conscious about what he says around me and that he feels more like himself with his friends. I have stressed about this for over 3 weeks and I feel it is ruining our relationship. I am exhausted each day, I cannot focus on my school-work and we argue about this because I bring up how uncomfortable I am.

I know I can be jealous, but he told me that “so what if I do look at breasts or legs, or even if I prefer bigger breasts on a female, it doesn’t mean I love you any less”. He gave me the example of if a nice car drives by I’m going to notice it, and it doesn’t mean I don’t like my current car. I did not find this example helpful because females are not objects.

Hearing this made me feel inferior about myself since he thinks larger breasts are superior to smaller ones and he only brought this up because I asked him.

I love him a lot, just this is an aspect about him that hurts me. I don’t feel like I trust him, I’m not sure if I’m communicating well because I tend to lash out. I’m wondering if I have to decide to put up with it or not. I’m not happy now-a-days.

He even mentioned that I could find a person of faith out there that shares my viewpoint and that he cannot be the perfect man I want him to be. He cried in front of me because I kept pointing out a couple things that I do not like about him. I felt cried too when he mentioned he may not be right for me. But the thing is I think all guys will look at other women, but I am hurt that he may stare or even enjoy the sight of another women. But then again, who am I to eliminate what he finds attractive in another person?

I feel like I have a couple options:
1. I change the way I view it and discount my hurt as jealousy. I’d love to change my viewpoint and be okay with something I am not comfortable with to keep the peace when this is just a SMALL part of him.
2. I acknowledge my discomfort and deal with it. I continue to be with him and accept him for who he is, but I will feel hurt. I really don’t want to feel pain living with the fact that he checks other women out, which may prompt me to actually check men out, but I don’t want to play games.
3. Breaking up. Before we dated I wasn’t really insecure about my looks, but 6 months in when other women are thought about, I find my self being insecure.

I really want to choose option 1 to change my thought about this because apparently every website says this is biological and there’s nothing I can do about it. I even contemplated being single forever, but I don’t want to do that. Please help.

I’m having trouble understanding what it is that you love so much about this guy. Here is what I’ve read from you:

1. You’ve told your boyfriend how uncomfortable his ogling makes you and he says he is not in control of himself — that it happens automatically. If that is the best excuse he has then it means anything that he deems happens automatically he won’t change. Not good for long-term relationships.
2. He says he was comfortable in PAST relationships pointing them out. Perhaps the reason why those relationships ended was because he felt so comfortable doing it.
3. He’s told you he feels more comfortable with his friends than with you.
4. You have generated three options — two of which involve you either discounting or suppressing your pain. The other explains that since you have been with him you have gotten more insecure.

It sounds like he isn’t respecting your wishes and needs and sees your request as so limiting that he wants to be with his friends. You may want to rethink if this relationship is really what you want to put up with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Feeling Insecure in a Long Distance Relationship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I met my boyfriend on a social media site 6 months ago and we fell quickly and deeply in love. He lives in the U.S. And I in the UK and I’m planning a trip to meet him in the next month or so. I have never felt more cherished and more connected to anyone and 90% of the time things are wonderful but I’m plagued with insecurities.

I find myself wondering if he will one day change his mind and I drive myself crazy thinking about the possibility that he might simply stop contacting me. I trust that he wouldn’t be unfaithful, but then the other day I noticed he had given his contact details to another woman and I imagined the worst, even though deep down I knew this was totally innocent. He was understandably upset I felt this way and now I’m worried he thinks that I don’t trust him when honestly I really do.

When we argue — which admittedly is rare — he shuts down and I don’t hear from him much which only serves to fuel my neurosis about losing him and it makes me feel like that crazy girl who obsesses over every detail. The thought that I have upset him in some way makes me feel terrible and it consumes me and makes me feel physically sick.

We have also been planning to meet and I need to book my flight but he has been putting off asking for the time off from work. He is very busy at work and has a high stress job and when feeling positive I think this is the reason but then in dark moments I wonder if he doesn’t really want me to come.

I’m so intensely in love with this man… We have discussed a future and I’m largely sure of his commitment to me but I can’t stop obsessing over this relationship. I have never been this way with any other man and am generally a very laid back person. How can I reign in this insecurity?

I am happy for you that you have met someone that brings so much excitement and joy to your life. While long distance relationships can work the insecurities you describe seem to be growing. Maybe because of this you can use some reflective distance to gain perspective. It sounds as if this relationship exists virtually and that you haven’t been in each others physical presence. If you have been chatting for six months and feel a deep connection this is wonderful — but long distance relationships often serve a purpose in that the distance itself is part of the formula for what makes it work. The longing — wanting but not having — becomes part of the dynamic. There are several reasons for why this can happen, but it isn’t an uncommon occurrence.

What you are feeling is the potential of the relationship — the promise — not the reality. The reality is you feel good but you’ve never met him; absorbed in love and insecure; excited and worried. The hope is that the relationship can live up to the potential.

Don’t jump too far ahead of yourself. While it is wonderful to be in love there are many surveys that show the first part of a relationship can inflate our view and expectations. Give this both time and perspective. Meet him, spend some time in his world, and have him spend some time in yours. Until you interact with each other in person you are projecting a future based on too little information.

If he can’t seem to make time for you because of his work, what will it be like when you are actually in his world? Stay hopeful, but give yourself a chance to look past the potential to the reality of what is. Take each phase of this relationship with equal doses of love, hope — and a clear-headed reality.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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