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Is my lying a habit I can break?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 7th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

About 12 years ago before I got married I cheated on my boyfriend who is now my soon to be ex-husband with a married man. I never told anyone the truth about it or should I say I never admitted it to anyone. Everyone basically knew it happened. I lied about it up until about 1 year ago when I met my soul mate. I love this man so much. I never loved anyone like this before. I met him while I was still married to my husband. I swore I would never cheat on my husband because I never forgave myself for cheating on him with the married guy. I broke up that guy’s marriage and I didn’t love him. I hated myself for that. I ended up marrying my husband. I think I married him to hide what I had done.

I had always had feelings for my now true love. We work together. He is my boss. Problem 1) he is still married. 2) He believes that there are other guys in my life besides him including the married man I cheated on my ex-husband with before we were married. That bothers me so damn much. He said there are too many coincidences that prove otherwise. I can’t help coincidences. I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life. It is him and only him. I have gotten so caught up in wanting him to believe that that I started lying to him about little things. Believe me they were not things worth lying about. Things like I told him I wasn’t chatting on email, facebook, or text. This was actually not true. I did and do some of these things. I figured if I told him I didn’t do it then I didn’t have to worrying about him thinking I was lying about whom I was chatting with. I was only chatting with girlfriends, family, and family friends. I figure he wouldn’t believe that because of what he believed about me. I even lied to him about why I was typing so lightly on the keyboard at work. We had the door open between our offices and I didn’t want him to get up and close the door between us because he would get aggravated when he would hear my typing. Usually I was typing an email for work or IM to someone at work. Mostly all work related material. He doesn’t believe that. Anyway now that I’ve lied to him he believes more than before that I am hiding things from him because there is another man. I am being so honest about there not being another man. I have screwed up by lying. I don’t believe that lying is a habit. Yes I lied to my husband but I’m not lying to him about there being another man in my life. I was so focused on that that I lied about stupid things that has made it so much worse. He loves me very much. I do know that. I love him very much.

He said that he doesn’t question that I love him only that he questions my meaning of love. Is it possible to love someone so much that you do crazy things that you know aren’t good for a relationship wanting to make sure that you never loose that love but the crazy things are what are causing you to loose him. He trusts me even less now and is not sure he can move forward with our relationship. I know I love him with all my heart. Can I live with what he believes? I’m thinking I can change but he thinks otherwise. I can’t say that I blame him. To him lying is just as bad if not worse than cheating on him. How could I be so caught up on trying to get him to believe that he is the one and only man in my life that I would actually lie to? Please help me, I love him.

Nothing weighs on us so heavily as a secret.
— Jean De La Fontaine

I am glad you have asked this question. While the swoon of love sounds powerful, there are several things about your question that you may want to pay attention to. The most important are your contradictions. “I am being truly honest when I say there is no other man in my life.”

Such an interesting sentence for a married woman to say a man that isn’t her husband. The problem is you seem to believe this. Most of your adult life and relationship has been spent with you having a secret that was based on a lie. This is continuing. We are not typically drawn to what is necessarily better; we are drawn to what is familiar. You may find some more information in an article I’ve written here. Your husband has reason not to trust you, and you lied to him. You are creating the same thing with the new man. There now is a condition here where he doesn’t trust you – also because of lying. In both cases you are left in the same role of not feeling good about yourself—in your words “never forgiving myself.”

I would strongly encourage you to do three things: First, it seems clear that you are doing a huge disservice to your current husband. Let him know where he stands. Deal with the reality of your feelings and let him have the dignity of coping with the fact he is married to a woman that doesn’t love him and would prefer to be with another man. This condition isn’t just about how you feel. He needs to know where you stand.

Secondly, you must realize that you are drawn to unavailable men. This is the second married man you were attracted to, and the second time you were with a man while being attracted to a married man. This kind of thing tends to be a pattern. In both instances there was lying and secrets. In both instances you are not feeling good about yourself. Last time you carried forward the secret, which may have been the problem with your intimacy. I suggest you begin by being honest with yourself.

Finally I would encourage you to begin therapy as soon as possible before acting on my suggestions. This is likely to be a difficult process for you, for your husband, for your boss, and for his wife. With all this in front of you I encourage you to get some emotional support, clarification, and understanding before taking any action. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Read my Boyfriend’s Emails

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 26th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m writing because my boyfriend and I have a lot of problems in the one year we’ve been together. Six months ago we went on a “break” because I wanted to live with him but he didn’t want to live with me. Even though I didn’t want to end it, the arguments we had over the living together issue seemed to push him to the point of wanting to leave.

After two horrible months of being on a break, things turned around and my boyfriend decided he wanted to be with me again. But around the time we went on a break, I figured out how to read my boyfriend’s emails. I know it’s wrong and I shouldn’t have, but I was at my wit’s end because I just wanted to be with him and didn’t know what to do.

In his emails, he writes most candidly to his best friend. Even before we were having problems, it seems he and his friend liked to joke about him not being with me. It’s a running theme in all their emails to each other that I’m a ball and chain and that his friend would prefer it if my boyfriend were single like him.

A lot of things I’ve read have made me really uncomfortable. Like my boyfriend describing how “hot” these two girls he ran into were. Or his friend joking about my boyfriend getting as much “break up” sex from me as he can. I also learned that a girl actively pursued my boyfriend while we were on a break and his friend encouraged my boyfriend to sleep with her while he was still sleeping with me; in the emails my boyfriend jokes about how hard it was for him to turn her down (in real life, he’s told me about this girl, but acts like he was never attracted to her, etc).

Beyond all this, the WAY my boyfriend and his friend talk to each other disgusts me. I know men talk to each other differently than they do with women, but it really makes me wonder what my boyfriend’s true personality is, because his personality through these emails with his friend seems so completely different.

What saddens me through all of this is that I would never talk about my boyfriend to my friends the way he talks about me to his one best friend in these emails. I think in some way his friend feels threatened by the prospect of my boyfriend being with anyone, and the two of them like to play into this together. It’s almost as if my boyfriend relishes being able to tell his friend bad things about me, as if to prove being in a relationship is silly and he’ll soon be single again.

I’m not sure what to make of it all and would really love any advice. I know I shouldn’t be reading my boyfriend’s emails, but it’s hard because now I feel there’s something about my boyfriend he isn’t portraying to me, like I’m not getting the full truth. I also feel hurt at all the negative things he and his friend have said about me.

Thanks so much if you do end up responding.

Thank you for asking. It is a tough question because of the way you received the information. But you know that already, and the details are too intense to ignore. First let me say something about how men talk to other men about women they are involved with. Men who respect and love their wives and girlfriends see the relationship as an extension of themselves. They don’t trash a woman they love. They might be upset, confused, frustrated, angry, and talk to their friends about what to do, but they don’t go trashing a woman they care deeply about. That tends to happen when there is little or no commitment.

It sounds to me like your boyfriend may not be mature enough for a commitment. But the real question is what do you want to do about this? He has secrets from you and now you do from him.

Couples counseling may be important because if you decide to confront him about reading the emails you can have the advantage of a professional there to guide you through. The risk of not confronting him is that you will carry a resentment. Individual counseling would be important for coping with that. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate either a couples or individual counselor in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Depressed and Considering Leaving my Husband

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 12th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a 27-year-old female mental health therapist. I have a history of depression. It looks like a dysthymic disorder most of the time with some severe episodes occurring every one to two years or so. I am married to someone who is very positive and carefree. Needless to say, marriage has been difficult for us and I am now considering leaving after 16 months. Because I come from a culture in which marriage and community are important, I am torn between that part of myself and the part that is immersed in a greater individualistic culture that values personal happiness and fulfillment.

My husband and I dated for almost two years before we broke up due to a general cooling/distancing between us after an emotional betrayal in which he invited his ex-girlfriend to live with him and failed to respond to my expression of concern of his naivety and lack of awareness of the importance of boundaries. Both of them were extremely respectful of the relationship and demonstrated appropriate boundaries with few exceptions, however I found it hard to respect and trust his judgment and fell out of love with him. I stayed with him because I was afraid of what my life would be like without him–he was always someone that could pull me out of my negativity and encourage me to live in the part of myself that was more optimistic, carefree, and happy. We eventually broke up because I felt it was the right thing to do, and I saw the relationship draining both of us of love and vitality.

Six months after we broke up, he confessed to me that he wanted a marriage and a life with me. He had started to go to church, become more involved in the community, changed his living situation, and demonstrated willingness and eagerness to create a life with me. The problem was that after a few months of break up depression, I had moved on, worked out some of my personal issues of self-worth, perfectionism, and had begun to build a life for myself. I was proud of myself and happy that I had overcome my self-doubt. I thought it was “perfect timing” and designed by God, providence, or fate that we had overcome on our own, the things that needed to be put aside in order for us to be together. In a way, it was a very spiritual and fulfilling reunion.

Our engagement and marriage were happy, but not without doubts. I thought about what I wanted out of marriage, and decided that it was more about building a life together in the community of our families and friends, and less about finding a soul mate. He was a “good enough” person. The safe choice. I ignored that fact that I had very little sexual, and intellectual attraction to him.

Over the last six months, I have become very depressed and concerned about my physical and intellectual repulsion I feel for him and his family members. Having given up an opportunity I worked hard for to obtain my Doctorate, moved into his house that I would never have picked for myself and is ridden with memories of his single life, sold my car to drive one he purchased from his sister that I never would have chosen for myself, and converted to his religious tradition, I feel resentful, and a deep loss of identity. I am starting to have self-deprecating thoughts about having put myself in this situation, ignoring my doubts, and being stuck now due to the cultural values that we are embedded in.

I recognize that I am deeply depressed, my family and community have recognized it as well (I am usually a very energetic, helpful, kind person, and now I am fatigued, irritated or tearful, and quiet most of the time). We have sex less than once every two months, and I often go into periods of silence around him in which I painfully ignore him. I have moments of optimism when we talk about how our future could be different, but these fade quickly when I realize that he has little desire to change any part of our situation other than wishing I was happier.

We have begun couples therapy and I find myself despairing and emotionally unavailable to the assigned exercises and homework. I am consumed with fantasies of how my life would be different if I were single again, I am flailing to keep up at work, I have given up important hobbies, and am numb to the hurt that I know I am causing to a wonderful, patient, good husband.

Of course it is too difficult for me to tell, but something about what you are saying is prompting me to offer an alternative explanation for what you are experiencing. Yes, it sounds like a depression, and I understand your concern about culture and not wanting to hurt a good man. But there are a few things you’re said that make me wonder if there is a self-defeating element to the depression. In other words, are things too good for you to accept?

You describe your good husband as wonderful, carefree and positive and your engagement and marriage as happy. You noted your reuniting was spiritual and fulfilling. Then, later, you say you are starting to have “self-deprecating thoughts about having put myself in this situation.” I realize I am taking this out of context, but you may be telling something that is closer to what is going on. The person you are describing as a mate seems to be a person worth being with, you have earned a Ph.D. at a very early age, and you are gainfully employed. In other words, there are many good things around you to be grateful for and happy about, but they do not seem to affect you. What I am suggesting is that your doubts may not be the concerns you did not honor. They may have been the seeds you planted in case you were feeling too good.

You also state in the beginning: “Because I come from a culture in which marriage and community are important, I am torn between that part of myself and the part that is immersed in a greater individualistic culture that values personal happiness and fulfillment.”

You state this as if they were opposites, as if they are at odds with one another. They need not be, but for some reason you have them as one or the other.

The possibility is that you are pulling out of a situation that is good. Why this is happening is unclear. Perhaps you feel unworthy. Perhaps it is the cultural value clash. But whatever is behind it may be more of a sabotage feeding the depression than the other way around. We tend to sabotage ourselves when we are ambivalent. The question then becomes what are you ambivalent about? Your husband? Your success? Your lack of assertiveness?

The things that led me to offer this perspective are that you are doing things to cause a rejection. You are silent rather than engaging, hold back sexually, and have not been assertive enough about your own needs in the relationship. Your resentment toward him sounds displaced. You may be angry with yourself for not being able to accept responsibility for your own well-being.

The couples counseling is good, but I think you will want to have some individual therapy to unravel what is underneath this. My concern is that the fantasies you have about your single life are just that. You may be sabotaging a good relationship that will be the cause of your lament in the future when other relationships fail to measure up.

Take what I am saying with a grain of salt and use it as a possibility to be ruled out. If you haven’t already you may also want to consider an evaluation for antidepressant medicine.

In any case learn everything you can about what brought these feelings on, how the relationship progressed to this point, and what your options are. My experience has been that couples should learn everything they can about what has happened. First it may be what helps them repair the relationship. Secondly, if they do split, it will be very helpful for both of them to navigate their next experience with intimacy.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Seeing More Than One Therapist

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 8th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a question about seeing therapists. I have read and have been told by friends who have had this come up in therapy that it is not ok to see more than one therapist. I understand in principle, but I have a question. I saw a psychologist off and on for 10 years who was very helpful to me through a number of issues I dealt with. He was very supportive, which I needed, and he knows me very well. I felt i had gone as far as I could with him on problems I was haveing with ADHD problems and problems with schooling. I felt bad for him that I just kept failing to improve. I was referred by my psychiatrist to a cognitive psychologist, and he was helpful to some extent in a different and complementary way.

I have not seen the other psychologist for over a year, but have overwhelming feelings related to older issues that I feel the 1st psychologist would be more helpful for. I am considering going back and talking to him. The cognitive psychologist asked about whether I was still seeing the previous psychologist when I started with him, which I wasn’t. In this sort of situation, is there any good reason why it would be inappropriate to go back and talk with psychologist #1 for support with my current issue, about which he is very well informed already, and leave open the possibility of seeking more help with the cognitive issues at some point with the other guy?

Right now, I have held off on more appts. with #2 due to a new deductible with the new year and tight finances, but I am seriously depressed about the old issues at the moment. Also, I just got a letter stating that my insurance will no longer cover #2 because he is a “service extender” and that is no longer covered. How does that work?? I might be willing to pay cash without it going toward my deductible at some point, but that would be much harder.

Thanks for writing about this question. I think it is an important one.

The idea of seeing one therapist has been around for a long time, mostly so there would not be conflicting feedback, or more deeper concerns with transference, or the possibility that the relationship usually needed to make the changes in your life would be thwarted by a second therapist.

But the thinking and the practice of this has changed radically in the last 2 decades. As an example twelve-step programs and therapy were estranged, now they are more likely to be seen as mutually supportive interventions. Couples therapy needs to be done with a different therapist than the individual, group work is separate from couple and individual, and trauma interventions may require specific treatment.

Therapy has also morphed into a very different form than it was before managed care and other insurance matters. Therapy can have a highly specific focus, with specifically trained therapists who work with you on specific problems. I regularly invite my clients to see another specialist with a particularly different skill (such as EMDR) when they need it, and other therapists will send their clients to me when they need my specialty (For instance, group therapy).

As far as the “service extender” status this is something no clinician I know understands. The core feature seems to be the insurance companies use this phrase to suggest a duplication of services. When this has happened I know the insured and the clinicians have written to substantiate the fact that it is not a duplication, but a different service. When I have to do this for the purpose of explaining the difference between individual and group therapy the insurance companies sometimes change their position. My suggestion is to challenge the insurance company decision if you feel strongly that the two therapies are different. The worst that can happen is the insurance company will deny it.

So the short answer to your question is yes, you can. The one thing I would suggest is not to keep it a secret from either. Be clear and upfront about what you are doing and why. You don’t want the process of getting help run the risk of you feeling bad.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Daydream Believer Girl

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 18th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m a 14 year old girl and I have a problem with daydreaming all day. It’s all the time I laugh out loud because of my daydreaming whatever I’m feeling. For example If I am at the grocery store and I see a cute guy I would imagine I was his girlfriend and we had the perfect relationship, BUT if a another girl went to him I would get so upset and I would HAVE to leave the store because of that.

So it was like I would transfer this guy into my imagination world and keep thinking its real.

This started ever since my parents got back together after being separated for 6-7 years I don’t even remember my DAD he was gone for so long. It was horrible he would yell at us and she would take his side, they would make me take sides in their fights, they would call me a brat, so much. Its like this guy took away my sweet mother…and I was all-alone no friends to talk to, homeschooled, trapped in my bedroom while they had their drama and that’s when I started to daydream. My daydreams are full older men like 20’s to 50’s usually pampering me, telling me I’m beautiful, we would have sex like a lot its like they “wanted me” or “enjoyed me” things from action movies to make it more exciting or friends I talked to I saw some faces from the TV and made them up. But that interferes work, concentration, social life and I don’t even want to stop. The time my parents where fighting I was ether on the computer trying to block the screaming from them or daydreaming about getting spoiled by these men all I wanted. So after 3 years of that they divorced and it stopped, but when I try to say how it affected me they seem “blank” like they spilled a drink on me. I wanted more of a reaction.

So I started to abuse myself emotionally like being very hard on myself, reminding myself of the past hoping that I could breakdown in front of them. I don’t want to die or cut myself just be sent to a hospital and have pity from everyone. And then I think my parents would TAKE ME SERIOUSLY I never sent myself to the hospital BUT I started daydreaming situations where I have a dramatic breakdown or take my moms pills, go get sick, and go to the hospital and my parents are crying for me on my bed side. NOW my parents are friends and threes no fighting or drama. But there are times where I fight with my parents about something silly or even disagree I feel so ANGRY I have to do something like harm myself in front of her and I do it in my daydreams. But now my daydreaming is getting out of hand I know the difference between real and imagination but my emotions don’t. I told my counselor this and she said I have some anxiety from being left alone and PTSD from the fighting. I THINK I may have maladaptive daydreaming maybe anger issues.

I’m not really sure how to handle this I’m kind of disturbed by my daydreaming its starting to effect my thinking 🙁

Fantasy helps us when reality isn’t giving us what we want. But I think you are right that the daydreaming has taken on more of a role in your life than you are comfortable with. I am glad you took the time to write us. You list your age as 14, and there has been a good deal of turmoil in your life already. I think talking to your counselor about the daydreaming s a good place to start. It sounds like she has framed what you are experiencing along the right lines. I would keep talking with her about how pervasive the daydreams have become.

Counselors are typically very good at helping students deal with distractions in their life so they can better focus on their studies. I don’t think there is any mystery to the fact that you dream about older men caring for you. Your father went away during a time in your life when you wanted and needed love from him. When reality doesn’t give us what we want—a daydream tries to fill the gap.

I would try to broaden your circle of friends and start looking for those people who make you feel good about yourself when you are around them.

Your insight about the anger, self-harm and trauma sounds like you are ready for healthy changes to take place. I think these are excellent insights, and my hope is you will continue talking with your counselor. Between the counseling and expanding your circle of friends, you can begin to bring about the changes you want.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My Boyfriend is Lying to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 6th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My Bf and I have been together for a little over a year. His mother passed away in Sept. after a tough battle with cancer. I was by his side through it all. She passed on Sept. 20, 2010. On Sept. 28, 2010 he and his father met with an insurance rep to discuss his mother’s long term care policy. On October 3-6 my bf would not talk to me. He would ignore my calls and emails. Then on Oct 7. He started talking to me again as if nothing had happened. When I asked why he hadn’t been talking to me he said he was sorry but that everything with his mom had “arrived at his front door”. I was understanding and sympathetic but I had a “gut” feeling that something wasn’t quite right. A couple of weeks later he was at my house and forgot to close his email…. yes I snooped.

I found that he and the insurance rep had been emailing. These were very flirty/somewhat sexually suggestive emails. He made a comment to her about coming to see him, “preferably without undergarments” and made a comment that he “hopes everything on her is still firm”. They had very lengthy telephone conversations. (He wont spend more than 5 minutes on the phone with me, says he hates talking on the phone). The last email to her was Oct. 07 when she said she might “grace her with his presence later today.” (He was chatting with me online at the same time, telling me how his mom’s death just hit him so hard). I didn’t see any more emails after that date. I did see an email dated Oct. 19 that he sent to his ex gf telling her how much he missed her and cant stop thinking about when she was suppose to come meet him in Chicago in Oct 09. In November I found out he had been txing two 18-20 yr old girls pretending to be a 20 yr old boy (the boy who had previously had his cell number.) One of the girls told me he asked her for naked pics. I asked him several times about all of these issues. Asked him pointblank about the ins. rep. He denied anything other than a business relationship.

I finally confronted him about what I knew. He said they never had sex or kissed or anything like that and that nothing further happened after the Oct. 7 email. The problem is, he lied to me so many times before when I asked him. He looked me straight in the eye and lied. How can I trust him or should I. Am I a fool for giving him another chance? Oh, and he also lied to me yesterday about an old “friend” that he talks to all the time…actually there are two. He said he never had sexual relationship with them but I found out that he did…with both of them. I asked him again yesterday. “So you and Janice were never more than friends? You never had sex or anything like that? He said. Oh No. We always been just friends.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. I do love him but I don’t want to be blind-sided again or be a complete fool.
Thank you.

You did the right thing by writing to us. I am glad you are deciding to take control of the situation. He isn’t worth another minute of your time. Let’s review. He flat out lied about five different people in the space of several weeks. Don’t kid yourself that you love him. You love his potential, not his reality. Who he is with you versus who you think he could be are two different things.

I would encourage you to find an individual therapist and plan to take better care of yourself. You deserve more than someone who isn’t taking the relationship as seriously as you are. Once you get through the nuts and bolts of the breakup, I would use your therapy to find out why you thought you loved someone so lacking. This will be important to know as you begin dating again.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Unanswered questions about my past

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 26th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

This is all probably going to sound really strange, but I just really feel like something is not right. There is a blur in my life that I absolutely cannot remember. I can remember right before I started school, when I was 4 or 5. Then there is about 2 or 3 years that is completely lost. I have never though much about until here of late. It all centers around a place that me and my family stayed. It was a duplex and I don’t remember living there at all. I remember that house before that and the one after. The first memory I have of the house we lived in after the duplex is me and my older brother “exploring ourselves”. It was more then a “you show me yours and I’ll show you mine.” I feel so ashamed about that and cannot figure out for the life of me WHY we did that?? I can remember touching my stuffed animals in inappropriate places and even doing the same things with another girl that was my age. I started having sex at a very early age, around 12, and haven’t stopped since. In fact, that is really the only risk taking behavior I have ever really had. From somewhere, and I don’t know where, it has been imprinted on my mind that if you care someone, that’s how you show it. I have never had any other experiences with my brother since that very young age, but I know that we did it more then once. I am just wondering were all this was coming from. I recently started having dreams of my brother and me now. I know, it sounds sick, but I can’t help it. This is also something that we have never talked about since it happened. I have also been having like these flashbacks of this man that used to come to the house that I don’t remember living in. (I know he was there from what my brothers have told me) In the scenarios, I am a little girl, around 5,6 or 7. I am yelling for my daddy, (my parents were separated at the time we lived in this house also) and a man in a police uniform, tucking me into bed and telling me to quit yelling and the he loved me and putting his hand over my mouth. I started to investigate this man and he was arrested in 2001 for 7 counts of indecent liberties with a minor spanning from 1976 to 2001. The accusers were girls that he babysat for other women and his daughter. I am just wondering if maybe my mind has blocked out the span of those years for a reason. Is that possible?? Is that why me and brother were “exploring” each other?? It would in fact explain a lot of my behavior. I have anxiety issues now, but I to scared to see a therapist. I am getting married in May and I am scared that if this comes out, he will think differently of me because of what occurred with one of my brothers?? It is possible I am freaking out over nothing??

I am sorry this post is so long, thank you so much for listening. This is the first time I have EVER told anyone about this. My mom and dad are together now, and I haven’t even told them. Even if you don’t answer, it felt really good just to get it out.

It was a brave and important thing for you to do to write us here at LifeHelper. I am very glad that you felt relief from just expressing it.

There are several classic features that suggest it would be good to follow up with therapy. If you felt this good just telling the story, it is likely for some sustainable relief in therapy.

The fact that you have no details of that duplex, the experiences with your brother, the encounter with another little girl, the dreams, flashbacks, and the reality that the man you recalled was arrested for his actions all point to the need to find a way to talk about and heal this time in your life.

My guess is that the impending marriage is stirring the anxiety. Often when we have major role changes, such as becoming a wife, there is a great deal of reflection and review of family roles. As you mature into a more adult role, you may be questioning those adults and circumstances that you’ve experienced.

I would use the find help tab at the top of this page to locate a therapist in your area. I typically recommend an interview with 2 or 3 and decide whom you want to work with. I understand that this may be a difficult thing to do, but just as you felt once you wrote us, therapy may provide an opportunity for more healing.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I have no faith in others

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 14th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I believe that I have issues trusting people. I grew up in a home where my parents hated each other and it was no secret. I never liked my mother who is controlling and selfish. My mother wouldn’t accept anything unless in her mind it was right. My father, for half of my life, was an alcoholic and didn’t come home very often. Although when my father was at home I would spend all of my time with him. At one point in my life my parents separated and my father disappeared without notice or any phone number we could even reach him at. I was devastated. The relationship between my mother and me only got worse. We would constantly get into fights and physical altercations just because I viewed something differently than her. Eventually my father stopped drinking and my parents thought they would give their marriage and our family a second chance. Nothing ever changed; except for the fact my father was sober.

I was rarely allowed to have friends over because of my mothers religion, she believed all outsiders of the church were worldly and a bad association. I was also rarely allowed to go to friend’s houses because of the same reasoning. My two sisters (both older) were too busy worrying about themselves and hope to cope, we didn’t‚t come together and help each other through it, we just tried to pretend that it wasn’t happening. I had no one in my family to turn to and few friends to talk with. When I was a teenager I had major problems with anger, which was the only emotion that I really knew how to express. I learned to keep most of my thoughts and emotions to myself.

My parents divorced when I was 16 and although I was thankful that the fights and screaming were over, the fact that my life felt like it was falling apart even more hurt me inside. The courts filed joint custody but I couldn’t stand to live with my mother, always getting into fights, slapping, pushing, just the overall control, so I decided to live with my father. In my teenage years I fell into drugs to suppress my feelings and emotions. While living with my father I snuck out, did drugs and drank. Of coarse I tried hiding this all, but I think that he knew the whole time and just ignored the problem. My father and I also got into a physical altercation because he called me a n***** lover (me being white and my boyfriend of 2 years at the time being black) I didn’t agree with that so I called him [something in return].

He lost it and struck me in the face a few times, which cut my eyebrow, open. I was 17 and my father threw me out on the street. I went to live with my friend and paid rent with the part time job that I had. From then on it was back and forth with my father. I would always forgive him because I loved him dearly. One time my father said I’m sorry I hit you but minutes later he told me that I deserved it. Just this past year I was living with my father again and going to college. I had a job, paid for my own things, got good grades, then one day my brother in law threatened me so I turned to my dad for help and immediately he was on his side telling me I was being dramatic and that I needed to leave. Next thing I know I was homeless, once again sleeping on a friends couch. After all of the years of emotional abuse and physical altercations I was tired of being treated that way by my family and now I no longer speak to any of them besides one of my sisters.

I believe that I have grown well from all of this; there is just one thing that haunts me. I have never quite grasped how to trust and how to forgive. I’ve always been the one to slowly go into relationships (whether just friends or partners) and the second they do ANYTHING wrong I no longer speak or associate with them.

I have many friends, VERY few who I share my thoughts with. The major problem I have is with my love relationships.

I have never been ably to fully trust a man with my heart. Not only have I been cheated on by 4 out of the 5 guys I have had serious relationships with, but I also believe this could be rooting from the relationship I had with my father.

I have a new boyfriend now, and he is the best man I have had in my life. I have decided that I do trust him, but at the same time I can’t fight the erg to check his online profile. He is also a friend with a lot of girls and I have expressed that I would like to meet them and it just hasn’t really happened, although he would agree to introduce me to them. We have only been seeing each other for about 4 months and officially dating for 3. When I get on his profile there is never anything out of the ordinary but when I see a post from another girl my heart just sinks. I know in my head that I shouldn’t feel this way, he is allowed to be friends with whomever he chooses, but I still can’t shake the feeling of heartache.

In my mind I create scenarios, and have a belief that I will get hurt. I think to myself that he is going to lie to me, cheat on me, or possibly just leave me with no sign. It keeps me from opening myself up to him. These thoughts actually bring me physical pain and make me very emotional. I have a really good feeling about him, the way he treats me is like no others and he is completely selfless. I just want to put all of my old behaviors behind me and be able to have a carefree relationship.

How do I teach myself to put faith in others?

I admire the resilience that emerges from your description of your background. You have identified the root of your mistrust of men by referring to the relationship with your father. You also have a knack, it seems, for choosing men who will betray you as your father did. The combination of your experience with your father and the history with men has indeed created this awareness. Having trust issues in your current relationship makes sense with these life experiences.

But it isn’t simply who you choose that is part of the paradigm. If your experience is to be betrayed and abandoned, then there may be a part of you that will have difficulty accepting closeness because once someone got close there was a betrayal. In other words, the fear of intimacy creates a condition where you are on alert to protect yourself: Whatever protects, inhibits.

I recommend three things to move through this: group therapy, talking honestly to your friends, and opening up about your concerns to your new boyfriend.

Group therapy is specifically designed to correct the dynamics from the family of origin. See who specializes in that in your area under our find help tab at the top of the page. The truth is no one in your family was able to see your needs and help to support you. That is why you are not only guarded with your boyfriend, but also with your friends. The only way to challenge these fears is by testing them out in reality. One thing that group therapy will do is help you see what the original dynamics were and give you a chance to correct them. Your friends and boyfriend are your family of choice; try opening up to them about your concerns. If they are the real deal they will respond in a way that deepens the relationship. If not, find ones that will.

The truth is you have coped with betrayal with a very high degree of resilience. If it happens again you will have the tools to cope again. But the correction comes when we can do with others what we couldn’t do in our family. For you this means finding a way to share your concerns, needs, and desires with those who can respond adequately in a loving way.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Adultery

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 15th, 2020
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I know there have been many in my situation, but I have yet to find a submission that has presented a clear answer to help with my situation. In October 2009 my wife found out I was cheating with a co-worker. I did not feel comfortable telling her all of the details at first so I continued lying as I felt I was protecting her already fragile state. I have been a liar since I can remember and I don’t know how to stop. I realize I personally make the decision to lie every time I do it, but that doesn’t seem to get in the way when it comes down to making a decision whether or not to lie. We have severe financial problems and will more than likely lose our home. My wife has told me we won’t be married after she graduates from nursing school but we haven’t separated yet because we have 3 children together and she doesn’t have an income. I have been getting payday loans to subsidize my income and have paid a significant amount towards those loans to keep things as normal as possible for the kids. So goes the lying. I get loans my wife doesn’t know about to keep things normal and she always finds out I have been getting money somewhere and I end up telling her the truth. She says I am childish for always lying and adds what I’ve done to the list of reasons we are getting divorced. I told her tonight I fear for my life sometimes because she doesn’t seem to have control over herself when she is in a fit of rage over what I’ve done. She has made comments in the past that she would “stab me” and she would “get off” if she were to kill me (because I cheated). I know what I did to her was terrible and I feel like a terrible person every day. I live in a manic world to keep myself from going off the deep end. I have been told I can’t leave my house because I will be abandoning my children and the courts will not award any custody to me if I do. She, however, wants me to leave immediately. I told her about my fear and she got extremely angry, told me I was selfish and started crying because that statement meant I didn’t care about what I put her through. The fact is, I didn’t know how to help her. I let myself get in the way a lot since she found out and she wouldn’t let me provide comfort when she was in pain. I have never, nor will I ever inflict harm on her, but I fear her statement are true and the mental anguish I have caused is the reason she cut herself some this past year and almost overdosed on drugs. I am writing this because I want to stop lying. I am writing this because I want to know how to get out of the situation I am in without a huge legal mess. I love my kids; I love to be around them. If I had my choice I would never leave their sides. I can’t, however, feel like I am a good parent for allowing them to live in the environment I have created. My wife has not recovered to the point where she can get out of bed at a decent hour and function with them. For months after she found out she would sleep most of the day while they were left to fend for themselves. I didn’t know what to do because I feared I would lose my job and make things even worse. PLEASE HELP!! Or, help me to find a good counselor in my area that accepts my insurance. I can’t afford to pay the co-pays all the time so that has kept me from going. The last counselor I had fell asleep in the chair while I was talking.

I am glad that you are making an effort to reach out and seek some help. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find a counselor in your area. See if you can negotiate a sliding scale fee where the co-pay can be reduced. You may also want to look into the offerings at your local hospital for an outpatient program that will accept your insurance. I mention this first because you will need to have therapy to go through the changes I am suggesting.

I can’t give you legal advice, but I can encourage you to seek several opinions. Your wife wants you to leave and you are looking to do the right thing—so the question becomes how to make that happen. Your wife may want to get the names of some lawyers from the local women’s center. Often lawyers connected with a women’s center are savvy when it comes to helping with legal issues surrounding separation and divorce. You need someone with a great deal of experience legally in this area and getting more than one opinion is important. Often psychological needs and legal issues clash, but you won’t be the first couple to be in this dilemma. Learn how others have found a legal way through. Otherwise the situation tends to get worse as couples marinate in their own negativity. Let’s not wait for something drastic to happen before making a change that sounds necessary.

People who continually lie to others are usually lying to themselves. It sounds like you need to start taking much greater responsibility for yourself, your situation, your children’s future and your own. Ask yourself what your truth is and begin with that.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Gazing at people’s body parts and objects

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP December 28th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a problem of automatically looking at things for example shiny objects, or even at body parts of people or even myself. Although I do not have any bad intentions. I don’t understand why it happens it happens all the time. People get me wrong because of this unstoppable habit all the time.

I have a history attached to myself. I come from a very good upper middle class family. My parents are very conservative which is why I used to stay at home all the time apart from the time I spend in my school. I had only one very close friend whom I could trust and talk too. My cousin & brother had sexually abused me in my childhood.And I told my mom about it and told her that I don’t want to visit their house anymore as I’m scared but she still persuaded me to go to their house as my cousin’s mother is a very good and soul friend to my mother who she has contact with since after marriage. So she took me there and my cousin used to again try to abuse me.But something or the other used to stop him like his sister used to come or his mother used to come.After that every time when my mother wanted to go to their house I told my dad I wouldn’t go.(My dad doesn’t know anything)

Then she used to put the whole blame on me saying, ” Now I can’t even visit my parents house. I only go to their house once a year. Don’t I miss my parents?” My cousin and my mom’s parents stay together in joint family.
And my dad and brother used to back her up. I had no choice but to visit them. She said twice that girls are mainly responsible for letting other boys use them. I directly asked her if she was pointing at me but she said no and stopped me from crying consoling me.

She is a very good mother in all ways but not when this matter comes. I love her a lot she is the very good but she doesn’t understand what I was going through. It wasn’t possible for me to make other friends easily and once when I made friends with two boys I used to have dreams that they are tormenting me.

I only had one best friend whom I used to consider as my second mother but I never even told her about anything I went through.Once I was looking at her thinking her sense of dressing is horrible she took it in the wrong way. And told every one I was a bad girl. Probably cuz I had tried to steal the one she loved a lot. I have been acting as per her words and can’t stop this stupid habit of mine.

Can u please tell me what is going on with me? And how I can quit this habit? Please reply. I really need help.

Thank you for writing us here at LifeHelper. It is hard to tell for sure, but it seems like you need to deal with the abuse issues from the past. There are many reactions that can happen from abuse, and the fact that your mother is not dealing with it directly and blaming you makes for a very difficult situation. Your mother’s denial and blame won’t allow for the kind of support that is necessary for you to move through this. The combination of abuse and lack of emotional support is a difficult thing to cope with and it is time to find someone to help you work through this. She has also given you the wrong information saying that the main responsibility of girls is to let boys use them.

In India, where you have indicated you are living, you may want ask at the local hospital for referrals to someone to talk to. You may also use our “find help” tab above, which has an international feature.

I would look for a professional to help you sort this all through with you sooner rather than later. Until then you may want to try to repair your relationship and open up to your best friend for support.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My dad abuses me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 19th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been getting hit by my dad for as long as I can remember. It has been a really long time. He really ruins my life. I am so scared to be in my own house. He abuses me physically and mentally. He punches with full force, he gives me bruises, marks that last until the next day, he hits me with the belt, and today he threatened to break my neck. He almost strangled me. I don’t love him at all. I have no respect for him and he means nothing to me. We don’t have a good relationship, I don’t tell him anything. Even if I don’t do anything wrong he will find a way to make it seem like I did do something wrong and yell and me and hit me. I can’t take it anymore. Last week I almost told my school, I really want to but I’m scared because I still have to deal with living with him until I am a legal adult. I have pictures of it the marks and bruises he has given me. I lock myself in the bathroom whenever I get into fights with him or he hits me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He scares me more than anything in this world. I don’t even want him to be my dad anymore. He says he wishes I was never born, I’m stupid, I am useless, there is nothing good about me, I am a devil, he wishes he never had me, I am the worst kid out of all 3. He also says “why did god curse me with you”. He really ruins my life. If he weren’t in my life, it would be amazing. I can’t be with him anymore. He is the worst father a kid could have. Please help me.

You are very brave and did the right thing by writing us here. I am so sorry you have to deal with your father’s abuse. You do not have to put up with this. You list your age as 14 and your father should not be beating you and saying these things to you. I believe you that these things are happening and you should know that you are protected by laws in your state if you are being abused and you can contact child protective services directly for help. If you need assistance in doing this you can ask a guidance counselor at your school or a trusted teacher to help you make the call. They are obligated to follow up on helping you when there are clear signs of abuse. Show them the pictures.

Here is the hotline number for your state 800-342-3720 and the link to their website. Know that you do not have to put up with your father’s violence. Talk to someone at your school today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Moods swinging violently from hysterical to listless

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 5th, 2019
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have very little memory of how I behave from day to day with no control of my mood swings.

As a background, I was made redundant almost 4 months ago, and have since been finding it very hard to find another job. At around 19 (I am now 25) I was diagnosed with depression, and placed on medication, the dose of which went up for some time. I attempted suicide twice, but seemed to be over this from around the age of 22, and have had little trouble with it since, and other difficult periods in my life (similar to the stage I am at now) have not caused my moods to change so. I live with my boyfriend of several years, who has tried quite hard to deal with my moods, but is understandably now suggesting that I get some kind of professional help.

Recently, I have found myself to spend much of my time feeling helpless, listless, unwilling to leave the house, finding it difficult to make simple phone calls etc. I spend a lot of time alone during the day, and understand from my previous episode of depression, that these are classic symptoms. However, unlike during my previous experiences with depression, my moods tend to vary dramatically between this “depression”, and hysteria, frightening anger, hyperactivity and fitful tears. None of this I have any control over. I have considered the possibility of a mood disorder, but my more “manic” episodes do not last for more than a few hours at a time, and I do not tend to spend wildly, or engage in outrageous behaviour with strangers- I am still quite insular. My hysteria is primarily aimed at my boyfriend and close friends and family. I also have prolonged periods of “normal” feeling and behaviour, thankfully, where I can look back at my actions, and see how irrationally I have behaved.

One major concern, and a huge cause of disharmony in our lives, is that I seem to have little or no lasting memory of how I have either felt or behaved. My boyfriend will suggest that I have been behaving hysterically for 5 of the last 7 days, and I will only remember perhaps one incident, and almost never remember what it was that caused the argument (which is the outcome of many of my irrational moments). I have been insisting for some time that my boyfriend must have been making up some of these arguments, or that he must be doing something, something I have been unable to put my finger on, in order to enrage me so. His constant insistence that he’d “done nothing wrong” seemed to upset me more, as I could not believe that I was reacting like this without provocation. Of course, my rational side realizes that he doesn’t have any reason to make me feel like I am insane by making this up.

When I am in one of these hysterical moods, I am always fully confident that I am right- that whatever wild point I’m making is correct.

I am still not sure whether I am depressed, but for some reason behaving like a spoiled, crazy toddler, or if there is something more wrong? I would like to get help, but it takes so long in the UK, and when hysterical, can’t organise myself to get to an appointment, and when miserable, am very reluctant to leave the house, or even call to make an appointment.

I am sorry that you are feeling so unsteady emotionally. The mood swings sound like they are very disregulating and I appreciate the opportunity to respond.

Three things jump out at me right away. The first is that you seem to have a boyfriend in your life that really cares about you and wants you to feel better. This is a very good thing, and I would draw on this relationship to help you get to a better place. I would ask him to help you by planning a time for him to be with you to make the call. I do know that in the UK the appointments can take time, but I also know that nothing will happen if we don’t get one nudged onto the menu. Ask him to help you make the call.

Secondly, I would make the call for a psychiatrist to do the evalation because my guess is that you want someone with experience in prescribing medicine for mood swings. Naturally I am a proponent of talk therapy, but my guess is that to make the kind of changes you want both medicine and therapy will be necessary.

Finally, I would start keeping a journal. A brief daily journal that would allow you to write down both what has happened (this will help with your memory,) and what your feelings are –so the psychiatrist might be able to discern if there is a cycle or a pattern to your mood swings.

I think if you take these steps you may be able to find out what is underneath all of this.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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