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I Have Doubts about My Feelings and Mental State

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 18th, 2024
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 13 Year old girl in the U.S.: For a long time now, I’ve have doubts about my feelings and mental state. Sometimes I feel like nobody can relate to my issues. My mother and I believe I have Anxiety Disorder. The Anxiety makes tiny tasks like speaking to a new person, getting seconds for lunch at school and even serving cake to my own family at my own birthday hard and scary.

I’ve believed for about 2 1/2 years now that the only thing I know how to feel or interpret is Fear and Anger. I know how to get mad, and I have trouble controlling anger, and obviously I know Fear as well. Other emotions like Happiness, Sadness and Love even seem as if they don’t exist in me. Countless times I’ve thought I felt happy, or truly depressed, and recently I believed twice that I loved somebody. Both times when I thought I loved, It faded and I can no longer care about them when I talk with them.

When I think I feel depressed, it seems to turn out as anger, because I never cry. It’s very difficult to move me. I don’t believe I’ve felt happiness since a long time if I ever have. I find it hard to smile when I talk with somebody, due to this I’ve become too skilled in faking emotions, and I believe it’s only part of the reason I confuse real with fake. In the end I always come to a conclusion that my mind is only trying to substitute these missing things from my head.

Recently I’ve felt like It’s getting harder to Talk to people at all. My mother is always supporting me and trying to help me, but I feel like she wouldn’t ever look at me the same if I told her that when I smile I’m just faking it, and that when I laugh at her jokes I never actually find it funny.

Even though my dad is not around, I prefer that he not be because he drinks a lot and makes no attempt to see me or spend time with me, he never really has. I have been bullied from about 6-10, but nothing serious. It really concerns me, and I want to be able to talk to my friends and family with a sincere smile. Any help or guidance is appreciated.

Whenever I hear symptoms like yours, the first thing I suggest is a visit to your medical doctor. There are many physical problems that can cause anxiety and mood changes — especially at your age. If you are still seeing a pediatrician, you might want to request a referral to an endocrinologist. It’s important not to jump to the conclusion that the problem is mental before checking out the physical. If you do have a medical problem and it isn’t attended to, it could get worse.

If are physically fine, then it would be helpful for you to see a therapist. It may be that you do have anxiety or you may be depressed. Depression doesn’t always show up as sadness. It can also show up as anger and feelings of emptiness. You also may have some unresolved issues regarding your father’s alcoholism and absence.

A therapist will be able to assess the difficulty and will make recommendations for how to treat it. Since your mother is doing her best to be supportive, it would be helpful if you included her in the appointment. With some coaching, she may be able to provide you with more helpful support.

I remind you that going for an assessment doesn’t obligate you to getting into therapy. You may or may not want to proceed. But the assessment alone may give you and your mom some new perspectives on your distressing feelings and what can be done about them.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Do I Have Something Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 4th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Hi. I’m 12. I’m not trying to be offensive, stupid, ignorant, and I’m not self-diagnosing myself, either. First of all, I think I have Aspergers. I’m trying to get diagnosed, although it doesn’t bother me too much. I’m not sure if this is an obsession caused by Aspergers or if it’s something different. I feel like this obsession has lasted alot longer than my other recent obsessions, which usually last only a couple days or months.

My obsession is with abnormal Psychology and mental illness. I think I’ve had it since September or October of 2017, and now it’s February 2018. I love thinking, talking, and researching mental illness. Sometimes I want to change the subject of whatever somebody’s talking about and talk about mental illness. I constantly ramble on and on about it to my parents, although I think they don’t care. Now, that’s probably just typical Aspie stuff, but alot of times when I daydream (usually at school or when I’m trying to sleep) it’s almost always about having a mental disorder, usually a psychotic disorder. Also, it’s been killing me to get diagnosed with Aspergers.

I hate to admit it, but I feel like I actually want to be mentally ill. Sometimes I even like to think I have a mental illness people just haven’t discovered yet. This is kinda hard to explain, but rarely, I might even fake a couple symptoms of a mental illness, not for attention or sympathy or anything from other people, but to convince myself into thinking I’m mentally ill. It’s kinda an urge, really, and I feel like I must do it, even if I don’t want to.

I don’t even know why I have a strong desire to be insane. Maybe it’s because my life is boring, or to understand what it’s like, but I’m really not sure. A couple times I’ve even looked up the causes of some Mental illnesses and see if I could give it to myself, like substance-induced psychosis, or concussions, however I don’t think I’d actually do anything of this, I just want to see if I can.

I analyze myself alot, and try to find symptoms of a mental illness. I also wonder what it’s like in a mental hospital. I don’t think I’m a hypochondriac, they actually worry, and it’s usually something physical. I don’t think I have a Factitious Disorder, I don’t want attention or sympathy from others. Lastly, Should I be concerned about this?

I can’t diagnose you either, not on the basis of a letter. But I’m glad you wrote. It does sound like you’ve gotten caught up in obsessive thinking. You are even thinking about your thinking. I don’t know why you landed on mental illness as the topic. It could just as easily be something else. It does sound like one dimension is that you want to be special in some way. I don’t know why you didn’t pick another way to be special than mental illness. If I were seeing you for therapy, that’s one thing we’d talk about.

Rather than seek out a therapist to diagnose you with Aspergers, why not look for a more general evaluation. Go into the evaluation with an open mind. Yes, you could have Aspergers. But you could also have an anxiety disorder or obsessive compulsive disorder, as only a couple of examples. Once a diagnosis is made, the counselor will make recommendations to you and your parents about how best to help you. Treatment, regardless of the label, does work for most of the people most of the time.

Thank you for writing. It’s a really good idea to deal with this kind of situation while you are only 12, instead of letting it get more entrenched.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Feel like I’m an Actual Person

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 6th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’ve been feeling a lot but not enough at the same time. I go through a lot of emotions but I can’t recognize them, and a lot of what I do feels disconnected and bland. I don’t enjoy what I used to, and even when I think I’m enjoying something, I don’t feel strongly enough about it.

I understand that this is supposed to be one of my biggest periods of change, but I just feel stuck. I’d help myself get out but I don’t know where I am. It’s not depression, I don’t think so, I can still smile and I frequently do, but I often feel overwhelmed by a bunch of feelings, and they all stem from different places but nothing feels like a big enough problem, nothing makes me feel validated or like a real person, and none of my emotions have been powerful enough to make me want to actively pursue change. All I know is that I’m always anxious, I never know how I’m feeling or how to provide myself with an outlet (huge fan of art and writing but every time I’ve tried I’ve ended up comparing myself to others and tearing everything up),

my mother irritates me and stresses me out even more, I’m starting to see my resemblance to her and it disgusts me, and I’ve had anger issues for a while. I can’t find professional help anywhere, and my mother stopped looking a while back because she was convinced it was just my hormones messing with me, and she decided herself that my issues weren’t all that severe if I didn’t feel the urge to self-harm or commit suicide – and I still don’t, I’m too anxious for that.

My counselor probably isn’t qualified at all, he just doesn’t look like someone I’d want to talk to, and my grades (particularly in algebra) are horrid. I don’t want to pull a classic teen cliche, but in all honesty, nobody understands me, and I can’t blame them. How can I expect someone to like me when I don’t even know or like myself? How do I get over these feelings of anxiety and not having a genuine sense of personality? How do I stop feeling drained and like I wasn’t meant to be born because all I am is an anxious crying mess who can’t handle the slightest bit of pressure?

Your mother may be right that the problem is hormonal but, unless she is an endocrinologist, her opinion is only that — an opinion. When I get a letter like this from a young woman who is 14, I always suggest that the first stop is a visit to the doctor. Your body is going through significant changes. It’s a good idea to make sure that your hormones are at normal levels. So please, do get an appointment with your doctor. Take a copy of your letter with you to jump start the conversation.

If it turns out that you are physically okay, then it’s time to look at whether you in fact have an anxiety disorder. That might be the case. But it’s also possible you just need a little help learning some new coping skills to help you manage the stress of being a teen. For that you need a mental health professional. You can ask your doctor for a referral to someone who specializes in teen issues and who takes your insurance.

Meanwhile, if the feelings get overwhelming, I suggest you call the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. There are counselors there 24/7 to talk with teens like you. You don’t need to be in severe crisis to call. They are there to listen and to make suggestions. The phone number is 1-800-448-3000. Here’s the website: http://www.boystown.org/hotline.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Afraid Of Becoming a Pedophile

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 27th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been having problems lately with pedophilia. I’ve never had these problems before until now. What I mean is that I felt sexually attracted to girls around 12 years old or at least looked like that. They did not look like prepubescent children.

There are a couple of things to take into account: I have a slow growth, and even if I’m 15, I look like 12 year old. I also lived in a country where my classmates were surprisingly smaller than in where I currently live in. I remember that I liked a girl around 2 years ago that looked like a 12-13 year old. (She looked like me, though.)

Now, my anxiety comes from realizing that my fantasies could make me a pedophile. I’ve thought that deep, deep inside me I am not a pedo. I have had HOCD and now JUST after getting over it I get this. Thing is that I have fantasized about these kind of girls. I even got a boner out of a fantasy with another girl that I had back when I was I think 11 years old. It’s like I fantasize with girls that have somewhat matured sexually.
What makes me doubt is that the attraction was already there, and I just knew that I could be a pedo. That scares me, a lot. I’ve tried to stop thinking about the fantasies (don’t get me wrong, I love girls my age and older. In fact, I fantasize a ton more bout girls that are around my age) And I have failed to a certain extent. I had this (and still have) like this period where I don’t like the fantasies as much, because I think I’m getting older and all that stuff and just saw all these girls as cute but not sexually attractive, but I couldn’t take the sexual tension and I end up masturbating but feeling bad about it. (I don’t end up enjoying it, it feels wrong and like “Why am I doing this”)

There are a couple reasons that make me think I am not a pedophile.

-When I was little I liked girls my age and I’ve stopped liking that because I’m not a pedo
-I see little kids as little brothers/sisters, not sexually attractive
-As I’ve said, I think that I am not a pedo. There’s just something within me that tells me that. (From Mexico)

As a 15-year-old teenage boy I appreciate your sensitivity, concern, and awareness. However, rather then identifying your reaction in a diagnostic way, I think it is best to store with what we know is absolutely true: you are not comfortable with these thoughts.

The anxiety you feel and concern is what needs to be sorted through. I would recommend two things. First I would find a trusted adult, perhaps a teacher in your school, that you can talk to about his concerns. Secondly, I would recommend using our forums here, they will allow you to talk about these feelings with others who struggle with them.

Finally, it would certainly be appropriate for you to talk to your physician the next time you go to the doctor. Physicians who work with teenagers are familiar with the kinds of concerns you have.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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12 Years Old and Wondering, Am I Going Mad?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 25th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: I’m 12 years old and started year 7 in February and I guess it’s always tough for everyone right now. I know this but I think that what I’m going through will never go away. It’s been going on for 2 or 3 years but it’s really bad now. It’s really hard to explain. The problem is I’m losing touch with reality. I keep having thoughts that someone is watching me and that there going to kidnap me or hurt me, or that I’m going to die young. I wouldn’t say I see or hear things but I have this really strong feeling. The thoughts make me really anxious because I never know when it’s going to happen. I don’t know why but my thoughts keep telling me to do specific things. I end up doing them when I’m upset. Regularly I shut myself in my room and have loads of alone time. The only social contact I have is at school.

My mum says I’m always really good at meeting new people but recently I’ve found it hard to make eye contact, especially with people I don’t know. Another major thing is that when I’m out with my family I always cling to them and avoid large crowds and secretly want my close friends to be there. This happens especially on holidays. I find it very hard to meet new people at school lately. I always want to be with my close friends. When I’m at school I always think everyone watching me.

When I go out with my family I start feeling very nervous with strangers and think they’re bad or evil, even if I just walk past them.

It’s also really hard to focus during class time at school and I always find it difficult to keep my mind on the set task and complete it. My mind keeps drifting away to other things.

Please help, I don’t know if I’m normal or different, if there’s something wrong with me or not.

I understand why these feelings are making you anxious and upset. Unfortunately, I can’t provide a good evaluation on the basis of a letter. I do think what you describe is serious. If you haven’t shared how you are feeling with your parents, I strongly suggest that you show them your letter and this response.

I think you need to do two things. First, make an appointment with your doctor for a complete and thorough medical check. You are at an age when the body goes through enormous change. Believe it or not, it’s possible that the bad thoughts have a physical cause. There are a number of conditions that can lead people to be paranoid, anxious, and emotional. Do also talk to the doctor about your sleep pattern. Sometimes a sleep disorder causes emotional instability and strange thoughts.

If your doctor finds that you are healthy, then ask your parents to make an appointment for you to see a mental health professional for an evaluation. Be as honest as you can during your appointment. (You might also bring this correspondence with you as a way to get started.) We therapists can only be helpful when people really share their thoughts and feelings to the best of their ability.

Whether your feelings are medical or psychological (or both), you can be helped. This has already gone on for 2 or 3 years. That’s already too long. Please get the help you need and deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Dad Watches Me at Night

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a 15 year old in the U.S.: During my sleep, sometimes my hand is inside in my shorts. Or sometimes inside my underwear unconsciously. I am not sure how this started. Anyways, I was sleeping and felt like someone was watching me. So, I opened my eyes a little and saw my dad, just standing there. Watching me. I immediately moved my hand away and exhaled like as if I was still sleeping. And the worst part was that I wasn’t covered in my blanket. I quickly grabbed my blanket and just waited for him to leave.

Just thinking about this makes me wonder if he is physically attracted to me because sometimes at night when I wear my t-shirt, I don’t wear a bra underneath because it’s comfortable without it, but he just stares and when he does I move out of the, quickly as I can and go to my room. Now, at nights, I sleep with a bra because I feel very uncomfortable.

I was reading a story about a woman’s father who would look at her through a hole that he would find or he would make himself one, that lead to her room when she changed, or in the bathroom, etc. And she would consider that as sexual abuse, even though he had never laid a finger on her.

I am not sure if I would consider this as sexual abuse, but I feel somehow offended and probably like…”Sexually abused” even though he had never laid a finger on me or anything like that. (As far as I know..)

I now understand how women feel when they don’t tell on their parents with this type of problem. I used to think that women who didn’t tell on their parents, should have told them. Like I would’ve been straight up about it.
But you don’t want to ruin your family.

You don’t want to consider your (in this situation) father some type of pervert or anything like that because he was there in your whole life and never once, have you thought about them doing these type of things.

I don’t think I will ever tell my mom. I don’t want to cause my family to have problems.

So I decided to just talk about it here because it’s the only way I can let out my problems. I’m too scared to talk about this to my friends. And at the same time it’s embarrassing.

It’s challenging for many men to deal with their daughter’s emergence into adulthood. The difference between a dad who is working through his feelings of attraction and a dad who is an abuser is all about boundaries. Without knowing more about your family dynamics, I can’t tell what’s happening in your case. Has he crossed the line too far? Or is it possible you are too sensitive to the possibility?

I do understand your concerns. But if you don’t resolve this, you are going to be uncomfortable in your own home until you are old enough to leave. Even then, you will have a very difficult time being close to your family. For those reasons, I think it is important for you to confide in your mom to let her know how uncomfortable you are with your dad and then to have a frank three way conversation that includes all of you. You are all setting the terms for the rest of your teen years.

Before I get a dozen letters expressing concern that I’m defending an abuser: I’m doing no such thing. I’m allowing for the possibility for misunderstandings and the very normal awkwardness that happens between dads and daughters and mothers and sons that occurs during adolescence. A short letter doesn’t provide enough information on which to make a judgment.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Daughter Fears Illness

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 1st, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My 11 yr old daughter is scared she has an illness or disease.. She seems paranoid about it. She told me last night she was afriad to die as all/most of us are, but seems obsessed with it almost. Everyday she says something hurts. Its not that i dont believe her, I just want to know if this is a phase kids go threw and is normal or should I seek therapy locally and often. I know she is going threw puberty and hormones are flaring and bones are streching and growing. Everyday, Everyday…. she says something hurts. I took her to the doctor for a lump she felt under her jaw and her doctor mentioned psyco-sematic? I dont understand what she means and I googled the term and I am still not clear as to what this means. Could you please help?? This has been going on for about two months, my daughter has never been abused sexually, mentally, nothing tragic has happened in our family besides natural death. Her real father is not in her life and never has been, not sure if this has anything to do with it. My fiance has been a part of her life for 10 years and he is strict but loving and makes her do what she is responsible for. Sometimes when he lets her know hes upset she didnt do what she was asked of her he goes on and on and on about why she should have listened and how she gets everything she wants and the least she could do is listen and on and on and on im not sure if this is somehow depressing her. I dont know what to do or think. I am worried about her…. HELP

It is abnormal to be constantly fearful of developing a disease. It’s also not something that’s commonly associated with puberty. Something seems to be wrong. Something is bothering her. The doctor mentioned that what she might be experiencing is psychosomatic. Psychosomatic means that a person is experiencing psychological problems that are expressed as physical symptoms or ailments.

Your daughter may be experiencing anxiety. You don’t think that she has experienced a traumatic event but it’s possible that she has. Perhaps she has but never told you. Remember, many child abuse victims are afraid to reveal what has happened to them. In addition to fear, many others will not reveal their abuse because they feel guilty. Many will continue to deny the abuse, that they very well remember, for their entire adult lives. Others will reveal the abuse when forced to by emotional problems or other abuse victims.

There is also the issue of how your fiancée treats your daughter. You may not consider his treatment of her harsh but she might. It may or may not be contributing to the problem.

She should be evaluated by a mental health professional. A therapist will gather a complete psychosocial history and attempt to determine what may be wrong. The therapist may request that all members of the family participate in treatment to gain a more complete understanding of family dynamics. Don’t ignore this problem or simply hope it will go way. It needs to be addressed and having a psychosocial evaluation is a wise place to start. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Do I Have Borderline Personality?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 15th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Italy: I’m a sixteen years old girl and I’m not english, so I apologize for any mistake in this text. I have been thinking I have bpd for more or less one year now and I did many research on this mental illness.

First of all I have always had problems with relationships, especially with romantic ones. I need to feel always loved and accepted. When I meet a person for the first time and we become friends or we get engaged I’m always like “I love you, I love you so much, you’re the best person in the world, you deserve everything, you’re my life!”.

I want to spend every single minute with them but I’m really afraid of stifle them and made them tire of me. I’m really afraid of them leaving me. If they don’t laugh at my jokes, I think that they hate me and that I’m really stupid. If they don’t reply to a message it means that they hate me and that I annoyed them. I’m really jealous of my significant others and I don’t want them to stay with other people and they must have only me as best friend, because or I have everything of them or nothing, no in between. But after a while I start to hate them. I’m always cold and angry towards them even if they don’t do anything. I don’t want to see them, talk with them or stay in the same room with them.

Another problem is my mood swings. The largest part of the time I don’t know why it happens. I can be happy and joyful one moment and the next minute cry on the floor of the bathroom for no reason. Or I can be sad and tired and after 5 minutes I can be angry. And almost always I feel empty (so I don’t feel nothing) and I feel like I have a black hole inside my chest.

Anger is another really big issue. I rage I’m scary: I yell, scream, I say really offensive things, throw stuff, fight… I can’t control it and it’s always a destructive rage.

And the last problem is self harm. I cut, burn with cigarettes, scratch until I see the blood. When I’m sad I often drink alcohol, chain smoke or smoke weed. Sometimes I think about suicide (it’s more like thought as “what happen if now you jump throw the window?”) but I’ve never attempt it.

Thank you for writing. This all sounds very painful. I’m glad you reached out.

I can’t give you a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. But I can tell you that what you are describing is difficult to sort out. It is normal for a 16 year old to be over-concerned with relationships. It is not unusual for a 16 year old to not yet have had a romantic relationship. It is normal for teens to have moods that are all over the place. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t a painful period of life for many kids. It does mean that we shouldn’t be quick to assign a mental illness diagnosis to something that may be equally attributed to life stage, physical stage, and/or lack of information and experience.

For that reason, I always recommend to teens like yourself that they first visit their medical doctor for a complete physical evaluation. There are hormonal shifts that occur at your age that can make mood unstable. Be sure that you take a sleep and nutrition diary with you to your appointment. A sleep disorder can also cause instability.

If you are physically fine, then make an appointment with a mental health counselor for a complete and thorough evaluation. The counselor can do what I can’t — hear your entire story. She will then make recommendations about what to do to take more charge of making your life and your relationships happier.

You are more in control than you maybe you are willing to acknowledge. Yes, you throw away your temper at times but you also draw a line somehow between some self-harming behaviors and suicidal behaviors.

You already know that avoiding your pain by smoking tobacco or weed or drinking alcohol isn’t going to make things better. What is far more likely to be helpful is to make those appointments. You deserve the practical help and support that professionals can provide.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Feel Like An Adult

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 18th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

This is very difficult for me. I am a 19 year old female who feels more like a kid than a woman. I think the problem is that I still haven’t come to terms with my adulthood. I don’t drive, don’t know how and honestly don’t want to get my license. I have basic cooking skills, but I’m more of a burden in the kitchen than a major help. I don’t turn around when people address me by “Ma’am” or even “Miss”. I find it terribly awkward when adults talk to me in a tone they would use with other adults. Whenever I’m with a group of my peers or older adults I feel as if I don’t belong in the conversation, and I find it strange to have a one-on-one “adult” conversation with somebody. It’s really hard to explain. I’ve heard some people describe me as innocent and pure-hearted but idk. I feel strange. I feel like a child. And I know with the way I act I portray myself as someone submissive, needs to be protected, guided, and dealt with patience. A few years back it didn’t bother me much but now that I’m older and starting to make my way into the world, I’ve been noticing I’m not like others my age. I don’t identify as an adult. I get confused and frustrated when I’m presented with tasks that I feel are too much for me or when I’m treated a certain way. Not unkindly, but with a weight. Its just so confusing and frustrating. I get irritated when I feel I didn’t act like an adult and lash out at my family. How can I find out what’s wrong with me?

One is considered an adult at the age of 18 but what does this really mean? In the United States, it means that you can vote or fight in a war, among other things. Biologically, one is considered an adult when he or she reaches puberty. With regard to the brain, it is now commonly accepted in the scientific community that the adolescent brain is not fully developed until the age of 25. In light of those facts, 18, as the age of adulthood, seems rather arbitrary.

You seem to have arbitrarily decided that a 19-year-old adult “should” be behaving in a particular manner. In your mind, there is a particular standard that you are not meeting. Your comparisons are based on your perception of how others your age are behaving. The problem with arbitrary guidelines and standards is that they are not often based on reality and thus may be inaccurate.

You stated that you portray yourself as submissive. You feel that you need to be protected, guided and described yourself as someone who is easily confused. At the heart of this issue may be a lack of self-confidence. You may feel disempowered or that you do not have the capacity to be independent.

For instance, you have not obtained your driver’s license and are not certain that you want to. It would be interesting to know more about why you don’t want a drivers license. If the reason is because driving frightens or intimidates you, then this could be an issue of a lack of self-confidence.

With regard to cooking, there is no standard age by which someone is expected to know how to cook. Some people never learn how to cook. Some people have no interest. Culinary skills take years to develop. They are not skills that individuals are born knowing. It often takes many years of training to develop good culinary skills. The fact that you have difficulty with cooking simply means you have yet to learn those skills; it is not a sign that something is “wrong” with you.

At 19, lacking self-confidence is relatively normal but it is something that can be overcome. One generally develops self-esteem and self-confidence through life accomplishments. The fact that you have identified this as an issue is a good first step. My recommendation would be to see a therapist to discuss these issues in more depth. He or she could thoroughly analyze the situation and assist you in developing the necessary skills to be successful in life.

I would also recommend devoting yourself to gaining knowledge in every area that interests you. For instance, if you want to learn how to cook, take a class, practice at home and read the best cooking books. Knowledge is empowering. The more knowledge that you have in an area, the more confidence you will feel. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Dislike of Dad

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 4th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 16 and all through my childhood my dad was never there for me. My parents are still married but he was never around. My only memories of him were him leaving to work at 5am and coming back at 10pm to fight with my mom then sleep. When I was 9 I learned my mom suffered with depression because of my dad and was really ill. I have never had a good relationship with him, he never changed my diaper and I thought he hated me and my brother. I honestly couldn’t stand even seeing his face when I was in that awkward puberty faze.. I just think about what a horrible father he was to my brother and I…

I felt even more bad for my mother because she always told me that he was never like that the years they were together. Now I am 16, a junior in high school and I feel this tremendous hatred for him. Everyone is always talking about how awesome their dad is and i can’t even give a good story out without lying. He recently lost his job so now he is at home 24/7 and i cant stand it…

he always criticizes everything i do and it seems like i do everything wrong for him. he has high expectations for me but i cant seem to ever satisfy him… its not like he ever was there for me… I want to change this between us but if i ever mention something about it he starts insulting me and i just end up crying in my room.. i feel as if i don’t really trust guys because of him.. im not saying they’re all bad or all the same. But i don’t know who i am.. i feel lost. I feel this hatred that is growing and growing and growing

If we were talking in my office, one thing I’d want to know is why your dad was gone 17 hours a day. Was he working two jobs? If so, he may have been overworked, overtired and stressed out. His lack of involvement as a dad may have had nothing to do with you personally but rather was about long hours and overwork. That doesn’t make it okay that he fought with your mom and did things that made you hate him. But maybe it puts a different perspective on things.

I have a guess that his constant criticism of you now is what is called “projection.” He is disappointed in himself. He lost his job. He had high expectations for himself as a wage earner and he has let himself down. He isn’t feeling much like a man of the house. So he projects all those inadequacies and frustrations onto you. Projection is a common defense mechanism when someone feels bad about himself. It’s as if he is saying, “I may be a loser but I’m at least better than you.” It’s not attractive but it does help some people preserve their ego when they are feeling pretty small.

If you want to start moving your relationship into a more positive direction, the way to do it is to be sympathetic. Two or three times a day, find something positive to say to him that will help him feel better. Give it two weeks. See what happens. All you have to lose is a couple of weeks of being the kindest person you can be. Don’t rise to the bait of criticism. Just thank him for his input (with no sarcasm) and change the subject. Ask him for some help with something he knows about. Ask for his opinions. Include him in your life. You just might be able to stop the cycle of criticism and turn it around to something much more loving. It’s at least worth a try.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My parents don’t like me like this, and neither do I

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 14th, 2019
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From England: I’m 14. It’s only recently that things have changed, I live in quite a poor family, yet I have the basics of a teenager, a laptop and phone etc. I have always known that I’m never going to get what I would really like, but for once I thought that I would be happy. My mum told me that I would never be able to get an iPhone, but instead i could get a cheaper brand of phone, but still a smartphone. I was so happy, but then one morning, I started shouting at her for the smallest things and she refused to get me a phone, but never told me I wasn’t getting one. I was then told I wasn’t able to get a dress for the first party I would be going to in years. The next day at school we were exchanging texts, and I have never repeated the phrase “I hate you”, so many times. I appreciate what I have got, I’m not spoilt, but I’m not me. My mum refuses to believe that it’s hormones, she says that I no longer love her. I have been crying at school and at the slightest thing, eg. I had English for my first lesson. I have no idea what’s happening to me, and my mum doesn’t want to know me, my dad also. My friends don’t understand and they simply go on about how their home life is great. I’m finding this really hard to deal with, I feel like everything is different and no one will treat me the same any more. Am I having a mid-life crisis or something? I don’t understand what I’ve done and what to do about it.

No. You’re not having a mid-life crisis (you haven’t even hit a quarter-life yet). What you have hit is puberty. Different people respond to the hormonal shifts of adolescence in different ways. Some girls act as you do. If your mum didn’t have the same reactions to puberty when she was young, she might not understand that it’s your hormones that are talking, not you, when you go off.

I strongly suspect that your moodiness and irritability have to do with adjusting to the emotional rollercoaster that often comes with changes in body chemistry during the teen years. You might tell your mum I said so. It’s clear to me from your letter that you do love your family and want very much to show your appreciation and respect for your parents. You are as surprised and upset about your own behavior as they are. A book that you and your parents might find helpful is: I’m Not Mad, I Just Hate You!: New Understanding of Mother-Daughter Conflict by Roni Cohen-Sandler. If that doesn’t give you enough help, you might want to see a counselor who specializes in working with teens and their families. You need to learn some new ways to manage your feelings. Your parents need to learn some new ways to work with you so you all come out of the teen tunnel as friends.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Transgendered and Wanting People To Accept Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 28th, 2020
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Since the puberty talk in fourth grade I have only had one real problem with my body: it’s the wrong sex. Now at 21 I feel very strongly that I am a guy, but everyone see’s me as a girl. That’s not to say that I have all the favorite past-times of your average American male. I find American football dull, and can’t stand to watch basketball. Instead, I find myself to be more creatively inclined. Also, as far as my sexuality goes, I like men, which really doesn’t make it seem very convincing that I’m a male to others. That’s where the problem begins.

I’m afraid I won’t be accepted if I come out to my friends and family. I’m even more afraid that my family will disown me. This fear of losing people I care about is smothering me and often leaves me feeling overwhelmed and wondering if it wouldn’t just be less trouble to kill myself.

As it is I spend most of my time keeping people, even my friends, at a distance. I want to be accepted for who I am but I live in a conservative area filled with very religious people. I hate living like this because I believe that if this is the only life I get, I want to live it as myself and not the person everyone sees me as. This causes me to feel frustrated and helpless.

I told my mom and she basically told me that I should try being a women (the idea of which makes me physically shudder and feel kind of ill). She also told me that I shouldn’t tell my dad because he probably wouldn’t be as open-minded which really isn’t very encouraging.

I am also aware that anti-discrimination laws don’t cover transgendered people. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be concerned about my future seeing as I’m majoring in a form of law enforcement. I was going to be an artist but I just really want to help people. Now I’m wondering if I should have just stayed in the art program.

I did not ask to be this way. My life would be much easier if I could happily be female. I want to be me and I want to be accepted as the person who I am. I want to be able to be proud of myself and to be able to stop lying to everyone, but I need to know that I’ll still have people to go to when I need help. I suppose what it comes down to is whether or not I come out to everyone. Am I being unrealistic? Is it possible for me to be male and make a living in the world?

I would appreciate any advice you could offer and if you decide not to respond to this then thank you for your consideration.

I am glad you decided to write. It must be difficult to feel confused and alone. I’m sorry you’re having a difficult experience.

You mentioned that your life would be easier if you could accept your assigned gender. Yes, that is very true but as you noted, you can’t. Just like an individual with depression cannot simply “stop” being depressed, you cannot “stop” your desire to be a male. It’s not that simple.

Have you considered seeing a therapist who specializes in transgender issues? I believe it is important that you consult with a specialist. I believe this because of your suicidal thoughts. Transgendered individuals have higher rates of suicide compared to the general population. That may be because they often feel alone, confused and depressed. You could benefit from support and education. Below is a list of websites. They may help you with the issues you are facing, connect you with other individuals who are having similar experiences, and hopefully lead you to a therapist who specializes in helping individuals struggling with transgender related issues. It would be helpful if you had a support system. It could make a big difference in your life.

http://www.lauras-playground.com/gender_therapists.htm

http://www.sa.utah.edu/lgbt/

Home

One of your concerns is being accepted by others. I can understand your concern. Unfortunately, not everyone is going to understand your desire to be male. Negative-judgmental reactions are usually the result of ignorance. The solution is to stop worrying about the opinions of others. I recognize that may not be an easy task. Ignoring the opinion of others is hopefully something that you will learn to do over time. You cannot please everyone nor should you try. There may always be people who do not understand your predicament and thus have a negative opinion of you. It is an unfortunate reality. Your energy is better focused on how you can gain access to resources and therapeutic alliances. You need to surround yourself with individuals who are understanding and supportive.

You are facing a difficult challenge. To varying degrees, we all face difficult challenges in life. This is your particular challenge. It is easier to avoid life challenges. That may be why some people consider suicide when life becomes difficult. It’s easier not to have to face difficult problems. Nobody likes it. It’s never fun. It’s psychologically difficult and when possible, many people will go to great lengths to avoid dealing with an unpleasant reality. Avoidance is the wrong approach. Try a new approach and attitude. Believe in yourself and have faith that you can confront this challenge and succeed. Many people have. The first step is finding a therapist and or support system. It can make your life easier and more manageable.

I hope you’re able to find help and support. Please keep me updated on your status. I wish you well.

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Can Therapy Make Depression Worse?

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D. November 11th, 2019
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

From childhood through high school, I was never a “happy” child but I got by. Looking back at my worst I was “difficult,” sometimes moody or irritable. But I guess everyone around me chalked it up to puberty/PMS because no one ever said I should get help. In college, I developed an eating disorder. It was a major source of tension to my family, whose response was anger. They yelled at me to “eat” that I was “too skinny” as if I was doing it JUST to make them mad. They never offered to take me to a therapist, and when I tried to talk about my feelings about my body and food my mom’s response was that she didn’t want to hear it and I was over reacting.

So, I took it upon myself to get counseling at school. My mom didn’t care about my emotions, but forced me to see her GP so she could weigh me and give me a physical. Upon seeing this GP, she took blood work which revealed that my liver was inflamed from taking Tylenol PM on a regular basis to sleep. When I tried every other herb and natural supplement and nothing else put me to sleep, the GP prescribed me Seroquel.

When I told my counselor this, she consulted the school’s Psychiatrist. He said the Seroquel was a terrible idea for me. After meeting with him, he said I should be on medication for anxiety, not an antipsychotic. I told him I really didn’t want long term medication, all I wanted was to sleep so I could finish the semester’s classes.

He prescribed me Ativan, which worked wonderfully at helping me sleep. But he said the Ativan was really a band aid on a bigger problem and felt I should be on Celexa. After some consideration, I agreed to try the Celexa. I have been on 20 mg of it for a little less than a month and have been continuing to  see him and my regular counselor for therapy. (I have to lie to my parents about where I am going since they don’t believe I need any therapy. My dad does not even know about my meds, my mom knows and strongly disapproves, claiming “you’re not depressed you’re neurotic”).

Anyway, lately I feel even though I care less about my weight, I generally don’t care about life because I am extremely unhappy. I hate my living situation (at home financially dependent on parents), I think I am ugly, I have no self esteem, and I just feel like a basket case. I know therapy is supposed to increase self awareness, but I think all this self awareness may be making things worse. I don’t know what to do. Sometimes I want to just “break up” with my therapists but I fear that things could be EVEN WORSE if I do that. Are some people better off without therapy? Or should I keep trying?

Hello and thank you for your question:

Goodness, you’ve had an awful time getting the help you need. I’m sorry that you have struggled so. I’m not a psychiatrist, so I can’t prescribe (at least in my state), but what you need to know is that if the Tylenol PM was working for your sleep, it wasn’t the Tylenol itself that was working, it was the diphenhydramine (Benadryl). Benadryl has side effects like any other drug, but it was the Tylenol that irritated your liver, not the Benadryl. Many people use the generic Benadryl with great success for sleep. What you need to know about it is that occasionally, it stops working. It is not addictive and you cannot develop a tolerance for it, but if you take a break from it, it will again begin working. The reason I know this is because I taught psychopharmacology at the graduate level for many years and have learned a lot about medications.

That being said, I wouldn’t break up with a therapist unless you think that particular therapist isn’t helping. Understand that therapists are like blue jeans. There are tons of them, but not all are a good fit. You might consider finding one that fits better. Or, you might just stick it out with this one. Things often get worse before they get better, since in therapy you have to dig into stuff that isn’t fun.

The other thing is that it sounds like your family doesn’t have very good boundaries. What is “wrong” with you isn’t their business since you are legally an adult now. Never mind who is paying for your schooling, if you don’t want to be weighed, and you don’t want mom prying into your personal issues, tell her in a very nice way, “Mom, I have to figure these things out for myself. I know you mean well, but I need some time to sort things out. I can’t eat what you tell me to eat, and I won’t be weighed anymore.”

She may have a hard time hearing these things, but you are an adult and should be treated like one. Set some boundaries, stay in therapy (even if it is with a new therapist) and take good care of yourself. You deserve it. If you want to find a therapist outside of school, look at the our therapist directory for one in your area.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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