Home » Rejection
Tag:

Rejection

Loss of Friends and Loneliness

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Australia: Hi, I’m a 15 year old girl currently attending school everyday and doing fine with my grades. I have currently had a fallen out with most of my friends because I was standing up for a boy who they all hate. Because of this they have all decided to ignore me and act like they’re having a ‘blast’ in front of me.

The main problem is this boy who I’m really close friends with for one minute, but we continue to argue because he always twists words and gets people against other people who he hates. I’m the only one seeing his other side because I’ve experienced it myself where he has twisted my words and gotten people against me. So I tried warning my friends about him, but they didn’t care and thought he was a ‘great’ friend and then started verbally abusing me through messages on Facebook. We never say anything face to face.

Anyway, now that I have lost all my friends I’m feeling very lonely! I can’t concentrate properly in some of my classes as I’m constantly thinking about them! I’m thinking about them in the morning, recess, lunch, night, when I go to sleep and even when I wake up! I feel depressed and I don’t have a very great self-esteem now. Whenever I’m left alone in class I get anxiety (I’ve grown up with selective mutism but have recovered from it well). I even once had a panic attack and had to storm out of class before I burst into tears. My face always blushes and turns red when the teacher comes over to talk to me. I’m feeling really low and I’ve been forced to retreat to the library with one of my friend every recess and lunch time but that only makes me feel nerdy (sorry for the cliché word).

I’m just over thinking about the whole group of friends that I have lost and I feel like I’m not good enough. My self-esteem is a bit lower and I have a constant feeling of loneliness. I say every now and then to my friend I now hang out with ”My life is so sad” and ”I’m so lonely” though she tends not to reply. I just feel miserable. I’ve tried sorting out things with my closest friend that I have lost but she say’s she ”doesn’t know why she hates me”. I just don’t know what to do?

From my point of view, you are better off without this group of so-called friends. Friends don’t treat friends this way. By standing up for the boy, you were doing something honorable. You were trying to help your group be more mature. Sadly, they are more interested in being part of an immature herd than being mature individuals.

Your self-esteem does not depend on acceptance by people like that. Your self-esteem depends on whether you behave in a way that you believe is right and how you contribute to making the world a better place. Sanding up for the boy was a good start. If you want to build on that, find an activity that supports something you believe in. Participate actively. You will meet other people who share your beliefs and are willing to do something about it.

Fortunately, you have already started to find new people. Please don’t be dismissive of the person you are hanging out with. She’s a better class of friend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

He Ended Our Relationship and I’m Struggling to Cope

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an 18 year old woman in Scotland: My boyfriend ended our relationship of quite a few months a week ago. He made me call him, he was sobbing and told me he was sorry, he couldn’t do it, that we were ‘too far apart when we weren’t together’ and that he was ‘different with me than to his friends’.

We’d been having problems with distance, but we were talking and fixing it. He’d made plans with me the night before for the upcoming weekend, then 12 hours later he ended it. He’d made loads of promises to me and he spoke about the future loads, but then he just gave in on things. A couple of close friends think it’s just a case of him not knowing what he wants, or simply us being the right people at the wrong time.

I miss him terribly. I can’t keep myself busy because I live on a farm and have no way out, and my friends are all annoyed with me because I’m so depressed all the time. I realize that I’ll never get him back, but I still love him dearly. He just seems to have moved on so quickly (new job, out clubbing/partying every night, his band is doing really well) whereas I can’t let go.

His social media presence has picked up a lot too; it’s like he’s free without me. I just feel so inadequate, so lonely and shut out from everything and everyone. I haven’t contacted him since things ended, and he hasn’t tried to speak to me either. I don’t think he even wants to be friends. I’m just hurting so much, and I realise I’ll get past it eventually.

I just want things back to being the way they were before it all just fell apart. I’ve started doubting everything since he ended it; university, jobs, the future, dreams, I just feel like I don’t know anything anymore.

Sometimes two people who are involved with each other are having a very different time. You were clearly attached. He wasn’t in the same place. As painful as it is to be rejected, he has done you the favor of ending it before you became even more attached when he wasn’t. It would have been so much worse if he had strung you along and then left you after a year or so.

Although it may feel to you like you’re doubting everything due to the break-up, I have another perspective. At 18, it is normal for you to be concerned about your future. Decisions about university, career goals, and what directions to take toward your future can feel huge. For many young people, becoming 18 is fraught with meaning. Are you an adult? Are you really ready to be independent? Do you have a direction? It can feel as if you have to make the absolutely right decisions. Planning a future with the boyfriend seemed to settle some of those questions. You were under the illusion that you didn’t have to think about your own future because you were thinking about a future with him. For many young people, that’s a relief.

But here’s my wisdom for the day: You have plenty of time. You don’t have to decide your whole life now. You do have to take a risk and do something to claim your own adulthood — not as part of a couple but as your own full self. That is what will build your self-esteem. That is what will eventually help you find a partner who is also a complete adult.

I suggest you seek out a favorite teacher or other adults you trust and talk with them about the decisions they made at your age and what they learned from doing so. Ask those who know you well what they think are directions for you to take. Then do something to start getting off the farm for awhile. You may eventually decide that farm living is actually something you like. But you will be more committed to it and will be more successful at it, if it is a clear choice rather than something you do just because you are too afraid to try anything else.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I Scare Women Away

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a U.S. soldier: First off… I would specifically like this question to be answered by a woman, if possible. I am 34 years old, and have been struggling with a mental thought for years now (since I was 15). It drains me of my self esteem, it causes me to breath heavily when I encounter it, I’m afraid to travel, or even go on vacation. It’s my encounter with women.

I always seem to get either a horrible beastly face, or like they purposely look away from me. Its worst when there are a group of them. Im not an ugly man, in fact I am pretty hansome, and a beautiful body. Im married to a very beautiful woman who tells me almost everyday that I’m beautiful, but I still struggle with this, because I’ve travelled all over the world, and I get the same reaction from women.

Can you please once and for all, explain this for me, or even give me some exercises to overcome this, as Im tired of living like this. I need freedom from this, it is really starting to drain me.

Have you ever heard the expression “You get what you expect”? I have a guess that is what’s going on here. It’s impossible to know when this started or why. But I think you may have run into a couple of tactless women who weren’t interested in you and then you developed an idea that you aren’t attractive. The cause is now lost in the mists of the past. But that cause, whatever it was, doesn’t have to inform the future.

First. Listen to your wife. Hers is the only female opinion that matters anyway. She thinks you are beautiful inside and out. Please take a hard look at why you find it necessary to be attractive to other women when the woman you love thinks you’re the best thing going.

That being said: If you need to feel like you can attract women in order to feel good about yourself, here are a few surefire steps:

  1. Observe people who seem to be what you want to be. Note how they stand and move, what they talk about, their facial expressions, and generally how they make themselves approachable.
  2. Copy them. That’s right — be a copycat. Imitation is a form of flattery. It’s also a way to “try on” different behaviors. Try it and see whether being more approachable is really what you want.
  3. Practice makes permanent. Practice those skills at least a couple of times a day. At first it will feel artificial but you will get the hang of it.

Please — Be careful about what you wish for. Think about what you will do if a woman responds to your new persona. Take care of your marriage.

Frankly, I think there are better attributes to hang your self-esteem on — like being kind, honest, a good husband and father, and a positive member of your community. Beauty is, after all, only skin deep.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

What’s Wrong with Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I was just wondering if somebody could possibly give me an idea of what an official diagnosis would be like for me. I’ve been raped, abused, etc… My mother was an alcoholic my entire childhood and she was never there. She exchanged alcohol for pills and now uses those instead. My father randomly had a stroke and a seizure last August and it caused an aneurysm to burst, so he passed away two days later. I feel rejection with even the slightest thing (like, “I need to get off the phone” or “I’m talking to my friend”), I get extremely paranoid that somebody (especially people I know) watch me in odd ways (through my phone screen or my computer screen), I don’t love any member of my family nor do I want to, I am very antisocial, I get angry easy and just about anything can cause me to feel bad or depress me. I try to do anything I can to make people happy with me. I never say no to anybody and always try to agree with anything peolpe say. Unless I know them personally, then I generally have issues with arguing way too much and thinking I am always right or should always be right.I have problems maintaining friends. I can just see somebody and immediately want to be with them and try to be with them. Then something as simple as them not saying much the first time I talk to them makes me feel like they hate me and don’t want me and I get upset. I could go on and on…Do you have any idea?

It’s always difficult to provide a diagnosis over the Internet since I don’t have the ability to interview you and ask follow-up questions. You named a number of symptoms that don’t necessarily seem to fall into any one particular diagnosis.

You may be experiencing some of the elements of schizotypal personality disorder. Individuals with this personality disorder are described as odd or eccentric. They have difficulty maintaining close relationships. They tend to misinterpret the motivations and behaviors of others and become distrustful of them. Paranoia-associated social anxiety is linked with this particular personality disorder.

You may have elements of schizotypal PD but not everything matches. You described never being able to say no to friends and always agreeing with what people say. Those characteristics are not necessarily associated with schizotypal PD or with any particular disorder which again makes diagnosis, especially over the Internet, quite difficult.

Having difficulty saying no and being agreeable may mean that you are a people pleaser. People pleasers go along with the crowd to avoid confrontation. They also want people to like them and feel that being agreeable helps to accomplish that goal.

You had a difficult childhood. You experienced trauma multiple times over. Your mother was unavailable and you lost your father. Those seminal events could be and likely are contributing to your psychological problems. The most efficient way to deal with psychological problems and to receive an official diagnosis would be to see a mental health professional. The problems with which you are struggling are correctable. Therapy could greatly assist in the process of correcting psychological problems. Click on the “find help” tab at the top of this page to locate a mental health professional in your community. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

0 comments

Rejection Pain that Doesn’t End

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’ve recently been cut off from a couple of friends who I have romantic feelings for. I can’t shut off my feelings for them and I was having regular panic attacks about it, so they no longer talk to me. We had been living together and they asked me to leave. It’s been three months and I can’t stop thinking about them.

I’ve struggled with the pain of rejection my whole life but I’m tired of it. I can never get over people I love. Most people seem to move past feelings but I never do.

My other friends have tried to convince me to move on but no matter what I do, I feel a desperate need to be with them. I’ve felt like this about other people in the past, and it took years of daily pain before subsiding. I can’t sleep well and my ability to focus is diminished. I am taking citolopram as prescribed by my doctor for anxiety, but its not really helping with this. I desperately need to be with people who don’t want to be with me.

I have tried counseling before but most counselors do not work when I can see them and my work schedule is not at all flexible. I don’t have much money because I’m a school teacher in Oklahoma so most online counseling is out of the question. Honestly I don’t know what else to try at this point. I’m tired and I just want to go back to the people I love.

  I am very sorry you are suffering so. But you already know that the intensity of your reaction to rejection is way too much — and has gone on much too long. Since this has gone on since childhood, it suggests to me that there was a traumatic experience in your childhood from which you have never recovered. I’m guessing that maybe there is something about the way you are in relationships that contributes to people leaving you.

You already know that trying to get back with the people who asked you to leave is not a realistic option. You do need therapy for this.

It’s hard for me to believe that there are no therapists in your area who keep late afternoon, evening and Saturday hours. Most therapists in private practice do. And many offer a sliding fee scale to make it affordable.

I suggest that you talk to your primary care doctor about getting a list of names of therapists or clinics in the area who can help you. If you have a faith, you might also look into whether the clergy are available for free counseling.

Rejection is an inevitable part of life. Not everyone “clicks” in the same way. Not everyone we admire or want to befriend, returns the feelings. It is unrealistic to think you will never experience it again. What you can change is your response to it.

You have suffered with this problem for far too long. I really hope you will make a concerted effort to find the help you need. Therapy will help you gain insight into what perhaps you can change so you are less likely to be rejected as well as how to manage it when it ihappens.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Is My Boyfriend Gay?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Turkey: Back in July I met a guy through a friend. He found me through my friend’s Facebook page. After 2 weeks he wanted to become a couple. He seemed to rush things. He invited me to a wedding on the 10th day of our relationship, wanted to go on holiday with me and talked to his mother and sister about me. Then he inteoduced me to his friends. I thought such things were too premature at this early stage. In the meantime, I had a feeling like he had no relationship before and that I was his first girlfriend.

In the first month of our relationship he seemed so much in love with me, he would text me all day although he was at work. At week 3, he wanted to have sex, but I told him it’s too early. He first got disappointed and asked if I don’t want him and we are both above 30 years old. I explained him that I want it to be special and not in rush. He understood.

In the beginning of September he got distant with me. He stopped texting like he used to do and he stopped calling. But every time we got together, he still seemed so much in love with me. In mid-September he wanted to organize a holiday with me for the end of September. A night before our holiday we got intimate again and I asked him if we could wait until our holiday one more night. I wanted our first time to be in a very romantic atmosphere. He understood and we cuddled.

I need to say that his penis was very small, 7 cm when erected and it has always been a question mark for me. But I have never mentioned about it and he didn’t seem to care either. On our holiday, I wanted to have sex but he opened his eyes with fear and told me it is too early for sex and we don’t know each other yet. He even didn’t undress me. He said dry sex is pleasant too. The second night we slept without even dry sex. A week after the holiday, he broke up with me via text message saying he doesn’t love me anymore. But a night before, he wanted to see me and he seemed so much in love.

I am clueless.
Thanks for the help.

I’m sure this is very confusing and disappointing. Nothing you have said tells me anything about his sexual orientation. His penis size is irrelevant. His behavior with you could be caused by many things. My only guess is that he may be in some kind of approach/avoidance tension with love and sex.

Your story reminds me of teenagers who want so much to be in love and to have sex but who are, at the same time, terrified of both. His behavior makes a kind of sense if his interest in you was his first attempt at a relationship or if he has had a number of failed relationships.

The only way to know for sure is to ask him. If you can be curious and not take whatever he says as a personal rejection, you have little to lose by asking him what happened. But if your feelings are still raw, it may be better for you to remind yourself that his pursuit seemed too fast from the start and that this gentleman has too many problems to be a partner for you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I Am Tired and Alone

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am from India but now in the USA for MBA. After divorcing I went back for the sake of kids. I thought that maybe divorce shall teach the importance of family to my former wife. She persisted with boyfriends (reason for divorce), more than one.

The latest affair of my wife was brought to fore by my elder kid (14 years old). He understands and told me that “mom talks every night and always abuses me (Father). I was consistently abused by my wife when I went back, after divorce, to stitch “the family”. I think I failed miserably. I somehow managed to stay with my kids.

Now, in USA, I met a girl. She is not attracted towards me but she is a hugger. I know she doesn’t mean anything. I was getting hooked to the feeling of getting loved, though only in my mind. I told her what I feel and asked her not to hug me again. I don’t want to live under illusions.
But this interaction triggered introspection.

I am somehow disconnecting myself from everything at a snap. I reach a stage when I simply disconnect from an emotion and then it does not matter. Earlier I used to control this, now it just happens. I can no more control this.

I had a violent childhood. I had seen my mother getting beaten at drop of hat. She consumed poison when I was young. My wife betrayed me, repeatedly.

Sometimes I really look forward to breast that I can bury my head and sleep. If I do not drink, I get nightmares and stressed muscles for whole day; if I drink I get knocked off and my body or mind is not rested, cramps again.

I want to have love. I have not touched a female for 13 years now. Sex is byproduct of love. I want to have a life. My last relationship left me blank. I want to have a normal life, a family.

I keep on forgetting things, my emotions stops abruptly.

I want to get over my former wife, have my kids, and a woman who can love me. My last relationship, with for wife, left me scarred and mentally impotent.

IS THERE HOPE?

So much more to write. Please talk to me, please help. I don’t want to “lose it”. And yes, I am broke.

 Yes, there is hope. In fact, the descriptions you give of your symptoms make perfect sense. You have been betrayed and are afraid it will happen again. Cutting off your emotions was a survival technique to keep from feeling the pain.

Yet, you deserve love. The other elements of your letter, about your desire for a better life for your children and respect for the limits of the woman you met, and the fact that you are pursuing your MBA — show a sensitive man with obvious intelligence.

The university you are connected to in the USA has a counseling center that is equipped with highly trained therapists who work on a sliding scale for students who are broke. Go make an appointment. It is time for you to start living your life with love in it.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comments

I Have Really Low Self-Esteem

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have an extremely low self esteem for no apparent reason; my mom and my family always go out of their way to tell me im beautiful, and sometimes i feel that way, but sometimes i feel horrible, which is selfish when i think about it. I also feel really self conscious about my personality, since it feels like no one likes me, maybe thinks im annoying or that im not worth talking to them.

Before i would talk to my best friend about this, but out of no where a week ago she completely made it impossible to contact her, all her social media and messages never make it to her, which makes me feel bad cause she knew how i was feeling suicidal at the time, and just cut me off like nothing.

My other friends who i thought were close to me just hang out with each other with out inviting me, and that makes me think if anybody ever even realized i wasn’t there. People tell me im funny, the funniest person they know, they tell me they love me, and then go out of their way to not invite me places.

In my freshman year of high school, i transferred out of my towns public system and instead went to a private high school, which i hated. I was born here, but i dont look like it since both of my parents come from south of the US border, so people would call me things like border hopper.

Just recently (about 3 months ago) i transferred back to my towns public system to go to my sophmore year of high school, it was nice at first, seeing all my friends and feeling like: hey, now that im back maybe i wont feel so alone anymore. But im back to feeling like an extreme waste of space, the only reason i dont kill my self is because i love my mom and family way too much to do that to them.

I know family is the most important thing, but i cant help but to feel lost when i see all the people that i considered my closest friends hanging out without me. I also get mad easily and yell and start crying, and then the next day i feel super lively and jumpy. Even my family says it, but ive never gotten any help for it.

I suspect that the majority of teens deal with self-esteem issues, whether or not they have a strong and supportive family like yours. The teen years are a time of emotional and social uncertainty. You are figuring out who you are and who you want to be. Friends often seem fickle because they are also figuring out who they want to be and how to be with other people.

You have changed schools twice. In each place, the kids have already made their “friend group” where they feel safe. It probably isn’t personal that they aren’t incorporating you. I’m worried about the friend who seemed to drop out of sight. That may have nothing to do with you. She may have big troubles of her own.

The “cure” for your loneliness is to stop obsessing about it and to start doing things about it. Join school clubs or teams that interest you. Volunteer for some community service work that other teens are doing. When people do things together, they become more interested in each other and more bonded.

Don’t keep score about who is doing the inviting. If you want to spend time with people, invite them to do things with you — like going to a movie or school event. If you want them to celebrate your culture, consider asking your folks if you can invite some people you like over to your house for a real South of the Border dinner.

Self-esteem grows by doing, not by thinking. Get doing and you will develop that higher self-esteem you long for.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

I Hated Everyone Because of My Parents

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Dubai: Hello, I’m a girl from Middle East and I suffer a lot from everyone around me. I can’t even start with the main issue. But its related to my parents and family. They seem not to love and support me. They even don’t know my hobby and simple traits.

Starting with my father, he is always comparing me with my bigger sister and I hated her after I was loving her I wished to be successful as she is and how my father treating her more warming and supporting her. Mention that she is married. And my father also always comparing me with my cousins and criticize me and how I am shy and introverted person but I am not that. And when I order something I really need he ignore me. While he doesn’t ignore other sisters. He doesn’t support my dreams and hopes but only thing he do is criticizing.

Now moving to my mother, the one should and must be warming and supportive. She is also comparing me with cousins and she give support and love to cousins while she doesn’t do that to me which led me to literally hate them. I tried to tell her my secret maybe she will help me but all she does is mocking me and make joke of me and my secrets and telling my ant my secrets and break my privacy. She laughs at my flaws (physical) and my friends. She insulting me with things I never have control on it. They don’t listen to me and be against me when there is an issue with someone.

I cry hardly in my room and no one notice that and I hated them. I hated myself and felt so sorry that I do not love my self and no one do. And no one support me and don’t have anyone to talk with about what I feel.

All my friends I don’t tell them any of this because I feel so broken and feel that they will get bored of me. I hated my family also because they are as my parents. Also mention that I have low self-esteem and don’t appreciate myself. When a group of people talk and laugh loudly I feel badly because I think they are laugh at me. I’m 23 years old living with more than these problems but to keep it shortly I mentioned the main issue.

Please help me because I started to think of dying and hoping that I never exists and I wish that I could kill myself but my religion prevents me to do it and how I would like to kill myself to tell my parent they should notice me. And there is one last thing I really hate to see a good parent who support their children and happy. I really envy them and hate them a lot. I’m such a good person

It’s very, very sad but true that not everyone gets the parents they deserve. You are certainly not alone in this situation. I know that doesn’t really help but maybe knowing it will take the sting out a little. As painful as it is, your parents’ rejection of you and favoritism to others probably has nothing to do with you, really.

I wrote an article for LifeHelper some time ago called Rejecting Childhood Rejection. Rather than repeat what I said then, here is the link: #/lib/rejecting-childhood-rejection/.

Your challenge is to decide that your parents are simply wrong about you and to go about life in such a way that you can be successful and find other people who can and will love you for who you are. Your self-esteem won’t improve if you wait for your parents and relatives to give it to you. You need to start working on it on your own.

Start focusing on school so that you can both feel good about yourself and gain the skills you need to get a job and live on your own. And do let your friends be the kind of friend to you that you would be to them. I know you would comfort a friend. Let your friends comfort you. Share some of what you are going through and ask for some reassurance and help. Friends often become closer than family. Give your friends a chance.

The world is not your parents. There are many, many people out there in the world who, once they get to know you, will be the kind of “family” you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Breaking Up Is So Hard

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: So I had been dating this girl for 2 years of high school. She is a senior in high school now and I’m a freshman in college. We went through the summer and decided we were going to try dating.

I noticed in the beginning of the summer that she had started too snapchat this boy. I didn’t think much of it. about a month into college I came back home to visit her. I hadn’t been giving her a ton of attention but we had been talking a lot. When I came home I figured out she had plans with her friends and this guy was asking her to homecoming. She immediately told me that they were just friends and she loved me. I began to get a little sketched out.

this is when our relationship began to go for the worst. I began to be emotionally abusive sometimes and I’m really disappointed in myself for doing this. I asked her to stop talking to him multiple times. she said she didn’t want to be controlled which is reasonable. I agreed and let her continue to talk to him. This caused our relationship to get more rocky.

She called me one night out of the blue and was crying and I was so confused. Now I think its because she knew the relationship was ending and felt guilty. I went home a week later and spent three days with her. Those three days were great for both her and i. Then homecoming came. I let her have homecoming night to herself because I trusted her. I woke up in the morning and received a text that we needed to talk. I asked her if everything was ok and she said she didn’t know. She called me and said she was emotionally drained and couldn’t deal with the pressure. She still loved me.

My friend then texted his ex and found out she had spent the whole night talking to him. We broke up that day and I drove home to talk to her. We talking in the car and she told me she loved me but not in the way she used to love me. She said she does not want a serious relationship. I told her I don’t care to be in a relationship with her as long as she told that other guy that she didn’t like him and just wanted to be friends. She said no.

She kept trying to get me to compromise. she said she wants everything that we had but she doesn’t want to have sex because she knows I won’t be able to move on and she feels guilty. I told her that I loved her a lot but Im not doing that because I feel like I’m being used. So we ended it.

The next day I was passing a store and I saw them walking together along with their friends. after that I went to the school soccer game in which she plays and he was waiting for her just as I used to do.

I feel betrayed but I feel like this is just a rebound relationship. Ive gone no contact but it took her a week to take down her profile picture of us. The day we broke up I received a text from her sister saying she loved me and more and I responded and stayed strong. The next day I received a similar message. I have been no contact with her for a little over 3 weeks. I received a text from her mom late at night trying to check up on me.

I don’t know if this was my ex but I was surprised because I never txt her mother even though I know she really cares for me. I am still going no contact and I don’t intend on ever speaking to her again. I guess I’m on this blog because I’m heartbroken broken and wondering if she even cares or if this new guy is giving her everything she wants. Is she over me. Will she ever txt me. Is she just faking it. Will she become intimate with this guy. Will she regret it. Is it a rebound relationship

I’m so sorry you are having such a tough time. I can’t answer your questions about your ex’s motives and feelings, of course. What I can tell you is this: High school relationships rarely last. The teen years are a time for exploring relationships and for discovering who you are and what you want in a partner. Often teens cling to a relationship longer than they should because the dating scene is so intimidating and it is comfortable and comforting to stay with the person you know best.

You have not been betrayed. Your girlfriend has been struggling too. My guess is that she wants to move on and to explore new relationships but has also not wanted to hurt you. Her relationship with you was important for some time, but it isn’t what she wants now. She isn’t “rebounding”. She’s exploring someone who is different and, maybe, more in tune with where she is at this stage in her life. It isn’t rejecting you so much as finding herself.

As for her mom: My guess is that she does care about you. You were around for a long time. She probably knows you are taking this hard and just wanted to reach out to you to let you know she still thinks you are a good person even if her daughter is separating from you.

My best suggestion for you is to, yes, grieve the ending of this relationship but also to see the break up as freeing up the opportunity for you to also try out new relationships. The college years are years of tremendous emotional growth. Start looking around and inviting women to have a coffee or to meet up after class. Don’t jump into another relationship too quickly. You owe it to yourself to take your time and find out more about yourself and more about what you really want in a partner.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Emotionally Detached

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello! Between age 21-25 I went through 3 very bad relationships ended in rejection, on the last one I had to be hospitalized, I couldn`t eat for days huge stomach pains from stress but I recovered and moved on. I noticed now in my 30+ I have no feeling of compassion, my friends say I have no heart. If somebody dies I don`t feel anything I have to pretend that I care. Even my own father end up in hospital in critical condition and deep down I felt nothing. My body can`t produce any sense of emotion about anything. I don`t care, I do`n bother anybody but people around are affected and say I need to see somebody. Is this serious?

You described yourself as someone who does not feel emotion. Friends are also concerned about what they perceive to be your lack of emotion. In one instance, your father was in the hospital and you said you felt nothing. If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about your relationship with your father. If you and he were not close and you did not love your father, then I would not see your reaction as odd. Parents and their children do not always have close relationships. It may seem odd to the outsider that you felt nothing for your father when he was critically ill but if you and he were never close, then your reaction makes sense. It’s difficult to feel emotion for someone with whom you are not close.

With regard to what your friends say, it would been helpful to have had specific examples of why they think you lack emotion. It would’ve also have been helpful to have had more details about the times in which someone dies and you feel no emotion. If the person who died was not someone with whom you were close, again it would not be unusual for you to feel no emotion.

One thing that we can say with certainty is that there was a time when you could feel emotion. In fact, you felt very strong emotion. The breakups you experienced were emotionally difficult. If you are indeed stunted in your ability to feel emotion, then it may have been in response to the devastating effects of those earlier breakups. Lacking emotion, or having an inability to feel emotion, may be an unconscious defense mechanism that protects you from having to feel strong, negative emotions.

My recommendation would be to have an evaluation by a mental health professional. The purpose of the evaluation would be to determine if your perceived lack of emotion is accurate. It may be but I do not have enough information to make that determination. It’s worth having an evaluation to know if this problem is serious. It is abnormal to not feel emotion and there are treatments that could assist you in correcting this problem. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

0 comments

Identity Loss From Past Family Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My family became dysfunctional when I was 13. It took 5 years of my life away from me. Coping during those times was difficult, especially with school. I never told anyone how I was treated at home or what went on, because I was embarrassed. This made me feel lonely. I also had no positive relationship with my family, which only added to my feelings of isolation. The dysfunction altered my personality in noticeable ways. I became introverted, depressed, stressed, angry and irritable. I lacked self-esteem and feared people. I was very fearful of judgment and rejection. Through my adolescence, I used art and writing to survive. My peers eventually labeled me an artist. I worked extraordinarily hard to solidify my skills. I even wanted to pursue a career in the arts or publish a book. Today, I am 19 years old and my family has made changes for the better. But we still don’t recognize or discuss what happened in the past, as if to keep it a secret. Things aren’t perfect, but I do have a relationship with my family now. The dysfunction finally stopped sometime after my high school graduation and when I was hired for my first job. But we do fall back into our old patterns from time to time, without really noticing. My current problem now is not my family, but myself. I have been maturing and growing as a person, which is giving me lots of stress. I have lost a lot of my enthusiasm for art and writing. This is really hurtful, because I feel that I am losing something that I put so much effort and love into. Now, I’m not sure what I want to do for a living. I don’t even know myself anymore. Perhaps the artist persona was only protection from my family. I was hoping that you could help me with this identity crisis. I really want to start college, but haven’t yet because of this issue. My mom is very involved with the church now, which makes me stress over my purpose even more. I worry about being a good person, the meaning of life and spirituality, because I’ve never been that religious. I desperately want to know if I’m doing things right. Another issue I have is my mental health. I still struggle with lingering emotions from the past. I can be stressed, irritated, or depressed from time to time. I really want to get better, because I am tired of hurting. I can hardly focus at my job or communicate with others. Thanks for reading my great big long story. I hope you choose to respond. Your advice will be treasured!

Throughout your letter you reference a significant life-changing family incident that occurred five years ago. It was apparently traumatic because it impacted your life in a negative way. However, you have omitted that key piece of information from your letter. Without that information, it is difficult for me to provide you with specific advice.

With regard to art and writing, it is possible that you did utilize them as a way to cope with strong emotions. Art and writing, as a creative outlet, may have served as a form of psychological protection. That creative outlet may have prevented the development of serious psychological problems.

Art and writing served a psychologically healthy purpose during your tumultuous teenage years but those particular outlets may no longer be necessary as an adult. In other words, the needs that you had during your teenage years are different than the needs you have in your current phase of life. You may like art and writing and still want to engage in those activities but you may no longer feel the “need” to do it. Try not see that change as something negative. It might be evidence of psychological growth and development.

As one grows and develops, change is evitable. Change may be frightening and disorienting but it is a necessary aspect of psychological growth.

In addition, it’s not uncommon for individuals to write poetry during their teenage years. Few individuals are destined as adults to become poets, yet poetry writing among teenagers is seemingly universal. The point here is that many teenagers engage in some type of creative exercise which they will ultimately abandon as they mature.

You could greatly benefit from counseling. Many of the issues that you are struggling with, including traumatic history, confusion about what you want to do with your life, dealing with life transitions and identity development, are the prototypical reasons why many individuals enter counseling. You would be a great candidate for counseling. I would highly recommend it. The find help tab, at the top of this page, can help you to locate a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

0 comments

Why Won’t the Woman I’m Interested in Give Me a Clear Answer?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a man in India:  I’m 62 and in grip of an infeasible love (limerent?) relationship with someone who was hitherto committed elsewhere This has spilled over into other areas of my life. I made an approach to LO and got snubbed therefor. Uncalled for humiliation caused hurt. Instead of a polite decline, she complained to authorities who curtail my movements and keep watch over me. I have no direct, clear evidence of this – but I do feel that this has happened. Moreover, I also feel LO is keeping tabs on me without showing herself or committing anything or even talking. I cannot approach her again due pride and the fact that she has complained to authorities.

She has enough reason to be apprehensive as she’s worried about her daughter’s security and cannot commit until she’s sure of me. Besides, she may still be undergoing the pains of separation from the earlier relationship. But, though this person knew me earlier, she has  not bothered to even say “Hello”.  I don’t know if I’m still in denial and unable to accept her decision or it is my mind playing games or if I am becoming paranoid. Or am I losing touch with reality?

I am confused and unable to understand what she has in mind – whether she’s just not interested or whether she is interested and just checking me out. Should I wean myself and move on? If I wait, it causes great psychological distress which may lead to depression. If I move on, I have to live with this wound for the rest of my days. I do not want to walk away from this relationship unless I get a very direct, clear-cut “NO”, since the person is quite special to me. So, I’m in a catch 22 situation whereby I stand to lose either way! Request professional advice on dealing with this relationship issue.

I’m very sorry this situation is so painful for you. However, it does look to me like you are not taking “no” for an answer. She may not have given you a direct “no,” but she has definitely signaled that she isn’t interested in a relationship with you and may even be fearful of getting closer.

The other possibility is that you are indeed in some kind of medical/psychological trouble. You are at an age where physical changes can result in what looks like paranoia and perseveration.  I strongly urge you to stop focusing on this woman, and instead start focusing on your own health. Make an appointment with your physician for a complete medical exam. Share what you told me here. Ask the same questions.

If you are medically fine, then please do yourself the great service of seeing a mental health counselor. A “no” of any kind is a “no”. If you can’t move past that and think you will sink into a depression, then you need and deserve the support and guidance of a counselor. Romantic disappointments hurt. Often people who have been rejected find it very difficult to accept. You are not alone in that. A counselor can help you grieve this relationship and gather the strength and optimism to search for love with someone who can return it.

You are 62. You may have decades of life to go. I think you deserve to take care of yourself and move on so that you can find someone who can love you and cherish you for years to come.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Would Like Some Help Identifying Some Unique, Possibly Autistic, Behavior

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi- This question is not necessarily for myself, though it will certainly sate my need for information regarding this subject.

I participate on a large online forum that discusses a great variety of subjects. One particular board on this form focuses on comics and cartoons. As you may or may not be aware, the “brony” phenomenon swept the internet a few years back. A “brony” is person, usually and adult man, who is deeply interested to the point of obsession in the TV show “My little Pony”. Most of these dudes are alright, but some can get pretty creepy.

That’s not the reason I’m here though, that’s just for a frame of reference.
On this particular forum, discussion of my little pony was prohibited and moved to a board all it’s own to keep their followers contained. However, occasionally, some images or references to the show make it onto the board, though the moderators of the forum permit such usages now. However, there is one user in particular who worries me.

Every time, and I mean EVERY time anything, anything at all gets posted relating to my little pony, this user, henceforth referred to as Barney shows up.

Barney will viciously attack the user, with his favorite phrase being “DIE YOU DEGENERATE BARNEYFAG”. You see, he found that My Little Pony was often scheduled on TV very closely or even following Barney and Friends. You know, the show with purple dinosaur “I love you, you love me, we’re a happy family”. That guy. Now, despite somehow hating MLP with a zealous fervor, he is able to recognize anything, and I mean anything relating to MLP. He’s able to catch any reference, no matter how obscure, and trace it down and find it’s source.

Isn’t it strange that someone who hates something so much would surround themselves with it as much as the people they loathe?

Often times, fans of My Little Pony are autistic, as children’s shows are designed to be “friends” for young children, and autistic men have a hard time socializing. But I also suspect that Barney is also autistic, as I cannot find any other way to explain his unusual behavior. Barney has been banned from the site multiple times by the way, but somehow manages to illegally claw his way back. He is THAT obsessed.

What are your insights on this phenomenon?

In the process of identity development each of us need role models. Whether these models come from actual people in someone’s life, or from other sources, including fictional characters, these models tend to either aspire us toward characteristics of the role model(s) — or despise these features and oppose them. While there is much more to identity development than this — either emulation or denigration are the usual end results. When someone is polarized and rejecting of a positive role model the net result is in a negative identity. They need to be the one that is constantly rejected. They will continue to find ways to be the negative outlier. The greater the need for an identity the more effort will be placed into the emulation or denigration.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

 

0 comments

The Girl I Love Is Secretly in Love with Our Common Friend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Well I fell in love with a friend. first I didn’t know she was bi. we hangout a lot and one day we were at my house and she started getting close to me and she kissed my neck and I didn’t push her off. we didn’t kiss or had sex. well the two days after we acted like we were together but secretly because she wasn’t out. and after that she apologized for the day when she got close to me. than I had to tell her that I love her and she rejected me.
we met for a quick talk and she told me that she is in love with our straight friend (her best friend) and she don’t want to use me as a rebound. and what she felt the day we got close was only physical. well I don’t think so because she is not a sexual/physical person and she told me that when we talked again on the phone (contradiction)
What I know that she had issues with her dad and that common friend (a girl) stayed by her side back in the days. I don’t know also what type of issues she had with her dad. what I know is that when she talks about him she describes him as an animal. the straight friend is so much caring, she cares about everyone and stayed next to her this time.
it’s hard for me because I saw the spark in her eyes when we hang out together even this one friend want us to be together because she thought that the girl I love likes me too because it’s obvious.
it’s hard for me because she still talks to me every day I see her at college we have the same classes. it’s very hard because she gave me signals than she rejected me
I don’t know if I should tell our common friend that she loves her
I don’t know if a should stay by her side
I don’t know if I should leave
it’s just too hard for me
I care for her and want to know if this bad relationship with her dad and our friend being caring are the reasons that she rejected me or she maybe thought that was love and she is just afraid of losing her best friend.
ps she told that even if her best friend will only think of her as a sister she would be happy to stay with her because she loves her and she rejected my help to get out of the situation. (From Lebanon)

Don’t look for more from this relationship than what you are getting. While it may be hard for you — the work is for you to accept the fact that she has rejected you, that the mutual relationship she has with your joint friend is their business, and that you should not go into orbit around hoping she will change her mind.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comments

Why Do I Freak Out When I Start a Relationship?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young man in the U.S.:  I don’t consider myself a very anxious person on a regular basis. We all get anxiety once in a while, but I don’t consider myself always anxious and I don’t believe I have an anxiety disorder. However, when I start a relationship with someone, my anxiety goes up so much. I am irrationally anxious the entire day, everyday. It fluctuates, sometimes I’m less anxious, sometimes I’m so anxious that I lose appetite and eat very little the entire day which isn’t like me because I tend to eat in huge portions, especially being a tall young man.

I do not understand why I am anxious, but it happens when i grow feelings for someone. It gets so bad sometimes that I feel like I’m having a mini panic attack, this is when I lay in bed, hug my pillow, sometimes I scream into the pillow to muffle the loudness of it. I really want to get over this and I don’t know how. I just want to be with the person without always being anxious, I feel like I stress out so much from the anxiety that I suffer more in a relationship than I enjoy it. Is there anything I could do to relieve myself from this anxiety? Anything recommend?

You are right that it’s important that you address this anxiety. Until you do, it is unlikely you will find someone to love.

I suspect that the root of your trouble is a fear of rejection. It’s not often talked about, but looking for love is an exercise in dealing with the possibility that one of you will be rejected. You are not alone in your fears. No one likes to be rejected. No one likes to make themselves vulnerable to another person and be found wanting. Complicating things further, is that many people also don’t feel uncomfortable with rejecting another. Looking for love is not for the faint-hearted.

A serious search for a partner means being willing to be on both sides of the transaction. It means feeling strong enough to  hold onto your good opinion of yourself even when someone else, especially someone you are interested in, doesn’t. It also means being willing to call a halt to a developing relationship when you know in your heart that it isn’t a “fit” even when the other person will be hurt.

Rejection hurts, whether you are the rejector or the rejectee. The answer is not to avoid meeting other people but to develop some tools for dealing with the issue of rejection.

Taking care of yourself when rejected requires having perspective. Rejection by one person, even by a terrific person, doesn’t mean that you are rejectable. It’s important to be able to hold onto the idea that you are a lovable person even if not loved by this one individual. You may not be what the other person wants or needs. They may be going through their own struggles with commitment. It may be a matter of timing. Whatever the reason, being rejected does give you an opportunity for self-reflection and for growth. If, when being honest with yourself, that person had a point about some quality or behavior you need to work on, you can learn from the experience as you move on.

Taking care of the other person means not prolonging a relationship you know is going nowhere. It is not a service to stay in a relationship just because you don’t want to hurt someone. The longer you stay in, the more hurt they will be when you finally call it off. Rejecting another requires you to be your most compassionate self. Remember: It’s true that two people can experience the same moments in different ways. What may be no big deal to you can put stars in the eyes of someone else. They are not delusional. They just bring different wants and needs to the situation. You can ease rejection by taking much of the reason on yourself and by not engaging in blame or shame of the other.

The time to think about how to handle rejection and rejecting is before getting involved. Review your own coping skills. Develop kind strategies for letting someone else down. Feeling prepared will help you find the courage to look for love again.

I wish you well,

Dr. Marie

0 comments

Nobody Understands What I Am Going Through

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a 15 year old male from Kansas that has lived a normal life except for the fact that I can’t remember the last time I was happy. There is this girl that I have been “friends” with my whole life and I started being in love with her before I even knew what love was. Everyone keeps telling me that what I am going through is completely normal and lots of people go through it, I know this but the fact remains that I have been depressed for 5 years now because I know that she couldn’t care less about me. She calls me her friend but she told me she doesn’t want me in her life. I have recently told a handful of people how I feel and I wish I could take back every word I said. I told my best friend who now thinks I am ridiculous, I told my parents who repetitively tell me to just move on, and I told the love of my life how I feel about her and she said she couldn’t care less. This has ruined my friendship, my family, and my whole life. I am a good student that makes straight A’s but I can’t focus at school because I am up till 2:00 am crying myself to sleep. I don’t eat as much, I can’t sleep, and I have randomly placed emotional breakdowns. I love my parents but I don’t think they can help, I can’t even tell them all of how I feel because I know it will hurt them too much. Just about a year ago I contemplated taking my own life, I have moved pass this and will never think that way again but I am a Christian and I still find myself praying every night for death. I don’t know what to do or where to turn. I feel worthless and unwanted, please help.

I can appreciate how difficult it is for so many people close to you to not understand what you are feeling. I’d like to approach this from another angle, which is a deeper question about why you have chosen to pick someone who clearly doesn’t want to be with you. The message she has given you is obvious and yet for five years you are refusing to accept that she isn’t choosing you. You remain miserable, cry yourself to sleep, aren’t eating right, have emotional breakdowns, and are surprised that the people who love you and are closest to you want you to feel better. The curious thing is that many people care about you — show their love for you by encouraging you to move on — yet you are focused on the one who “couldn’t care less.” It sounds like it is time for you to ask yourself why you aren’t accepting her decision.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

0 comments

I Need Help Managing Relationships

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in Iran: I have found out that I have a really bad personality problem; here it is: When someone that I care about makes me angry repeatedly (for things like not answering my phone calls), I talk aggressively and bittingly to him/her. The result will be his/her anger and stop being kind with me. Then I feel ambivalent. On one hand, I’m sad and guilty because of my impolite talking and nagging; on the other hand, I believe that person is the one that made me mad and he/she deserved my rude words. At least I could show my anger and I now I feel catharcised.

After that, Some days pass and I start to excuse and ask for forgiveness, however I believe my bad talking was the reflexion of his/her bad behaviour to me. But I deeply feel I need having good relationship to that person. This is so hard for me. This cycle makes me crazy and i cannot do my daily activities. I repeatedly had this problem with my literature teacher when I was in high school. Now I have the same problem with my educational consultant. I hurt a lot because he doesn’t behave normally and kindly to me, I know he even doesn’t like to think about me, let alone talking or visiting me.

Thanks for your help.

One possibility is that you are so concerned that someone might be rejecting you that you reject them first. As you have already discovered, your angry reaction may make the person go away for a time but it also damages the relationship.

More important that labelling what you are doing is learning how to respond differently. First, consider whether it really matters what the other person thinks about you. Someone doesn’t need to be a good friend to be an important resource. Good examples are your teachers and consultants. It is enough that you are mutually respectful and get the job done. Your worth is not dependent on such people liking you.

With friends, it’s another story. Expressing anger with angry words doesn’t do anything to solve the problems. Instead, you need to learn how to have a civil conversation about it when people disagree or don’t meet your expectations. My guess is that sometimes your expectations are unreasonable (like maybe an unreasonable idea about how often someone should answer your phone calls). Sometimes you may simply have a different point of view and that difference makes you anxious and angry. In that case, you need to learn how to keep emotions out of it while you and your friend try to clarify the problem and maybe come to a compromise.

Your anger isn’t necessarily a personality problem. More likely it is due to not having skills you need to learn. There are books that can help you with this. If you can’t figure it out on your own, some sessions with a mental health counselor might be helpful.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments

Inadequacy & Job Rejection Have Led to Depression

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I have big goals, big dreams, big hopes for the future. I’ve built my life on working toward accomplishing these dreams. I’m generally a really optimistic, ambitious person. Anything I set my mind to, I succeed at in some way.

Until this year. It’s been a year of consistent, debilitating disappointments. I wrote a book and put my heart into it. I polished it and sent it out into the world. I received 30 rejections.

I’m a newly qualified teacher with two Masters degrees and $100,000 of student loan debt. I’ve applied for dozens of jobs and haven’t even gotten an interview.

I can’t stop the feelings of inadequacy and being not good enough because I’m LITERALLY not good enough. It’s been confirmed by 30 rejection letters and dozens of job applications unanswered. Nobody wants what I’m offering, even after I’ve worked my entire life to be prepared. I only have one person to talk to–my mom–and she’s insistent that I’m just being “negative”. This makes me feel so much worse. All I’d need to feel better is a few words of sympathy, but when I explain that, she says she can’t solve my problems for me (I don’t want her to, I just want to feel like I’m not alone). We both want me to move out, but seeing as I have no money and no chance of a job no matter how much I apply, I’m stuck here. It’s so unhealthy. My heart constricts just thinking about staying here another year.

This is the worst I’ve ever felt in my entire life. I’ve always been able to see the light at the end of the tunnel in the past, but this past year’s disappointments has obliterated the optimistic girl who could find the silver lining in everything.

You are obviously an intelligent and motivated woman who’s taken many steps to be successful in the workplace, so it makes sense that being unemployed and having multiple book rejections would be totally discouraging! It sounds to me like living at home isn’t helping either. Have you asked for your mom specifically for empathy and emotionally support? I suggest you let her know exactly what you’re looking for, even giving her the exact words, when you share your struggles with her. You mentioned that she’s the “only” one you have to talk to – why is that?

I suggest that the first step you take is to branch out socially so you have additional support during this difficult time.  Try getting involved in some community groups that interest you, like book groups or hiking groups, for example.  Consider spending some time volunteering. Look for ways to broaden your circle of associates and friends beyond you mother.

Since your current employment efforts aren’t going as planned, it might be time to get more creative in your problem solving by taking your passions, gifts, and training, and refocusing them temporarily. Here are a few examples of what I’m talking about.

Housing: What about looking for a housing situation where you manage an apartment complex in exchange for rent, or you check in on an elderly person in exchange for living in a basement apartment?

Employment: What about applying to non-teaching jobs while you’re waiting for the right teaching opportunity to come along? Any job will allow you to save money and move out on your own so you’re not “stuck” living with your mom. Consider refocusing your teaching experience by developing a course for community education classes in the evenings, for example.

Writing: How about taking your love of writing and looking into writing a column for a local newspaper or website while you’re waiting for opportunities to get your book published? Have you looked into self-publishing options?

My personal and professional experiences have taught me that, even when things don’t go as planned, no life experience is ever wasted. Many professional opportunities I’ve had have come through developing a network of personal and professional relationships that have opened up doors that I didn’t even know existed. As you expand social circles you’ll be developing key relationships that will likely open doors for you, too.

Thanks for writing in. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

Visit my new LifeHelper blog for therapists!
Private Practice Toolbox

0 comments

Transgender and Lonely

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was born with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, O.C.D. and I am also transgendered. As a result, I was a very difficult child to raise. There was constant fighting between myself and my parents. At the age of ten, I was sent away to an institution for two years. While there, I was physically, emotionally, and sexually abused. I couldn’t talk to anyone because I had no trust in adults. When I returned home, the same previous problems existed. I was sent away again at the age of seventeen. I felt no love whatsoever and would not until I was 25 years old.

I became involved in the Army during my teenage years to find a family that cared about me. Because of the child abuse that I had suffered, I never dated or learned people skills. Other than my involvement in the military and school, I had no social life. I was a loner with few friends. After college, while working in Australia, I met someone and felt love for the first time in my life. But because of my past and the ADHD, the relationship fell apart after about four weeks. I was devasted and suicidal. For the next fourteen years, I was in and out of hospitals and seeing doctors. I met another person when I was thirty-nine. Again, the same scenery occured.

I am now fifty-four years old, never been married, and extremely lonely. I have now transitioned to become a woman whcih is probably the only bright side of things. I don’t know how to find someone to love or even have a friendship with. I have matured a lot to the point where rejection doesn’t hurt as much as before but it still hurts. I have sought help from psychiatrists but they say that this is not the line of work. I don’t like being alone all the time but it is all I have ever known. I just don’t know what to do.

When Forrest Gump said that Life is like a box of chocolates, you never knoew what your’e going to get, I really identified with it. Except I feel like all I got was the empty box. I keep trying to think positive and I pray often but I just can’t seem to change my life around.

If you decide to respond to this letter, I would be very happy. Loneliness can be a very destructive and debilitating thing in a person’s life.

Thank you for writing. You have already done many courageous things. As difficult as it will be, you can also learn how to make friends and find love. You are lonely because you are so alone. Fortunately you live near a very helpful program. Please consider contacting them. I can’t vouch for the quality of services since I only know of them through their website but it seems like a good place to start.

I strongly suggest that you get involved with some group therapy if it is offered. In a group therapy setting, people try out new behaviors and then get feedback from others who are struggling with similar issues. Group members help each other learn how to be more approachable and how to interact with people more successfully. A trained therapist guides the group process so the situation is safe and supportive.

Putting energy into some self-improvement makes sense. You may well live another 40 years. With sincere effort I believe you will find a group of friends and a loving partner with whom to spend the rest of your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

0 comments
Newer Posts
Older Posts

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish. Accept Read More