Hi , I’m in love with a boy i have known since i was 15 years of age. I am now 18 and i have never dated because i was always not allowed to .I live with my mother and two siblings and help out often. My mom is aware of the facts i like him and that me and him speak everyday. She thinks we have a nice relationship and understands i would like to be with him in the future. But she seems to have a very hard time with letting me hang out with him .
I know that i truly love him as a person and that he is trustworthy . He works two jobs, helps out is family, and really likes me and is a overall good person. I’m turning 19 in 4 months and he’s is turn 20 in 3 months. I love him and i know he feels like we have grown so much now its time to spend quality time together. My mom has me on a tight leash. i don’t know how to begin to tell her i want to be with him. I prayed about me and him every since i was younger and he has always entered back into my life. I’m very afraid of losing him ….what should i do ?
A: It sounds to me like your mother has lost sight of the fact that you are no longer her little girl. You are emerging into adulthood. That means that you are looking for love and will soon be leaving the nest to make a life on your own. Your guy sounds like an exemplary young man. Your mother should be proud and pleased that you have found someone to love who is so responsible.
It may be that your mom is afraid of losing your help. You didn’t mention a dad so I’m guessing that she is raising the three of you on her own. She may count on you more than she wants to admit. If that’s the case, part of the answer lies in figuring out what the family needs and alternative ways to get those needs met.
It’s time for you to stop being scared of talking to your mom. If you are old enough to have a relationship, you are old enough to have an adult-to-adult conversation with your her about how to prepare you and the family for the day when you will leave home. This isn’t something to have a fight about. Fighting will only confirm her idea that you are too young to take seriously as an adult.
Instead, lay out the problem and your suggested solutions as calmly and reasonably as you can. If she gets angry, resist the temptation to fight back. Simply tell her that you love her and that you know if may be hard for her to lose you to someone else. Emphasize that you have confidence that the two of you can work it out. Such conversations are often difficult and challenging but they are also part of growing up. I think you can do it.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Tag:
Relationship
I have been married to my husband for six years. Three years ago he’s physically abused me about 4-5 times. He blamed it on the alcohol and I’ve felt it was my fault as well because I provoked it. I’d always get angry with him for getting drunk and coming home late. I was getting tired of it and I always told him I was going to leave. But every time I tried to walk out that door he’d hurt me in so many ways. The abuse has stopped now and we are fine. Things are perfect between us but I’m he will go back to his old ways. He still drinks but not as much as he used to. Recently he told me he wanted to start a family with me. Also, just this past week he has shown signs of jealousy. I think it’s because I am going out more and I have more friends. Prior to this I would only go out with him. He tells me it’s fine that I go out and have a good time but when I come home late he’d question me as if I was having an affair. I love him and I would never do anything to hurt him. Please help me understand what my relationship can lead to. Am I safe? Thank you for reading and sharing your advice.
I am glad you have written and have asked the question. The short answer to your question is “no.” You are not safe. There are three things that prompt me to be so direct.
First, your husband displays a very particular profile of men with anger management issues which involves alcohol / drug abuse, jealousy, and a history of being physically abusive. This is a VERY difficult pattern of behavior to change. It requires a significant amount of desire and commitment to therapy and recovery. While I am glad that things are okay, I know how difficult it is for true change to happen for men with anger management problems.
You did not mention any treatment for your husband like AA or an anger management group. He cannot make any significant gains if he continues to drink. The alcohol is both a mask and then a lit fuse for his unresolved anger.
Finally, he blames you and doesn’t take responsibility for his own behavior. Adding a baby to the mix is likely to increase his stress. The barometer will be his signs of jealousy and then increased drinking. With other men like your husband it is typically only a matter of time before abuse happens again.
The real work here is for you to get some support. Your community should have a women’s center. Please call them and start counseling with them. Explain what is happening so that you can get some support. This organization can help you find a women’s center nearby.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
I have for a long time believed my mother to be emotionally abusive. Recently after a fight with her, I began to google general characteristics of emotionlly abusive/narcissistic mothers, to reassure myself but I found several things that reminded me of my relationship with my 6-year-old little sister.
I often tell her, and myself, that I only want the best for her and that I want her to have the life I never had. I often buy her candies and toys because I feel like my parents give her even less attention than they did for me, but recently I’ve noticed that I’ve been telling her that I can’t buy certain things because they are too expensive. To reassert my point, I sometimes say things like “You don’t need that” or “You don’t really want that.”
I’m afraid that I’m manipulating my sister like my mother manipulates me. I’m also afraid that I am developing NPD because while I worry about spending too much money on her, I seem to have no problem spending money on myself, especially after a period of depression. I also noticed that I tend to give my sister my old things instead of buying new things and I’ve read that narcissists’ overly self-centered personalities cause them to give hand-me-downs to others and new things to themselves.
I like to think that I am being a good sister, but I’m afraid I’m just lying to my sister and myself. I just want to know how I can tell if my sister is affected by my recent behavior or not and how I can help her if she is.
With 12 years difference between you and your little sister, you are an important adult in her life. My guess is that she has always looked up to you. So, yes, how you behave towards her does affect her. Because you are so much older, you are a role model as well as a sister.
You are asking very, very good questions. At 18, you are at the age where you are sorting through your experiences and deciding what kind of person you want to be. You are trying out being generous and being selfish; being self-critical and self-forgiving; being manipulative and being indulgent. Although you could decide to be narcissistic, you have had the experience of being treated poorly by a narcissist so I don’t think you’ll go that route. But it is a choice. By looking clearly at what you are doing, you are taking an essential step in the right direction.
It’s wonderful that you buy your little sister treats but she doesn’t need those things as much as she needs your loving attention. A few minutes reading to her most nights or coloring with her or just chatting and snuggling will put more into her emotional bank than any candy bar ever could. How you give her your things matters more than the fact that they are old or new. Little sisters love to get jewelry and scarfs and things from big sisters when they feel they are being given something special that connects them to their hero.
Keep it positive. Give her attention and encouragement. You’ll find you get as much as you give from the relationship. It’s pretty wonderful to be seen as special through the eyes of a child. Meanwhile, keep asking those good questions and making good decisions for yourself. Your relationship with your sister is important for the two of you and it’s also important as a rehearsal for how you will be in realationships in general.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Im a believer and I decided to pray for my situation. I went to a psychologist, her theory is: I have a trauma from my childhood that led me to look for a man with the same type of relationship I had with my father (a man that took care of me and that I didnt like sexually at all, my ex). My boyfriend went to a session, the psych said he also has his traumas…
The other side of the story before I thought about my ex is: At the beggining of the relationship my boyfriend tried to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I found a series of conversations through facebook. I also found 8 or more conversations of him, hitting on other girls. This was the main reason of our break up. After this, I felt really bad and thought I wanted my ex back.
Anyways, He said his friends signed in his FaceBook and talked to her but after he found out about my “thoughts about my ex” he told the thruth, “I was looking for sex”… And, during our break up… In that month, he slept with her and 2 other girls…
We got back together… Have 6 months NOW (I miscounted). And we feel great together. The only thing is trust. I’m afraid he still talks with his ex girlfriend. He did it while having a great realtionship with me, why wouldn’t he do it now? He says he woulnd’t do it now because: “now I love you. And then, I didnt know you like I do now, I thought you were just like the other girls”.
Anyways, he says I also cheated on him, maybe I did, mentally…
What can we do to build trust? Should we go together to therapy?Thanks you for your time,
Thank you for writing. I hope you got more from the therapist than an analysis. Being told you both have trauma histories isn’t particularly useful unless you also are helped to use that information to forge a more mutually compassionate and supportive relationship. Being given only an analysis is like being told that it’s raining but not being helped to get out of the storm.
If you two feel great together and really love each other, you both need to stop keeping score. You weren’t together for awhile. He did some things. You thought some things. You both decided that you wanted to try again to make a good relationship with each other. That was like a reset button. Once you push it, old stuff doesn’t apply.
Trust is a gift we give people we love. If you both want this relationship to work, offer it lovingly and wholeheartedly but with the understanding that trust is easily broken. Pledge to be faithful and keep that pledge. Neither one of you wants to live with the constant anxiety that your partner is looking for someone else. If you can’t both, at the same time, commit to this, then wish each other well, say goodbye, and learn from the loss.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
When I’d just turned 15 I started being friends with this boy (hes 1 year 4 months younger then me, so he was 13 about to turn 14 at the time). We were friends for a while and became very comfortable around each other very quickly. After about 6 months we became each others closest friend. I knew at this point that he sometimes got very angry. He said little things could set him off or often there would be no reason. But it wasn’t that bad at the time. I knew he had ADHD and was taking Ritalin.
After we’d been friends almost a year (when I turned 16, in February) he started going out with a girl in his year. This didn’t impact our relationship at all, and things were normal and fine. He said he loved her, but that if she asked him not to see me he would pick me over her, because I was a better friend to him. Our friendship meant a lot to both of us.
After he had been with her for 7 months I think (in September) I was over at his house and we kissed. We both decided not to go there again but did anyway. After a couple of weeks he left his girlfriend, saying that he could never feel about her the way he felt about me. Pretty soon after that he told me he loved me. We started seeing each other, but never made it ‘official’ and kept it a secret. This was partly because I was in the year above him at school/college and we thought people would find it weird, partly because for so long people had been saying that they thought we had a ‘thing’ or something, so to come out and say we were together seemed unappealing. And… well I think we just felt comfortable keeping it private. I’ve never had an official boyfriend, and he has dated other people, so when I asked (later in the relationship) why he personally wanted to keep it a secret when he’d been openly together with other girls, he said because it does something to change you, and that if we are openly together people will comment and expect things, and it makes us more prone to mistakes, and also that he didn’t see me like he saw the other girls, he saw me as a “life-long partner” type thing… even though we new the chances of a teenage relationship being successful long term were slim, we both had intentions of being together, and we always assumed that we would, at least, always be friends.
But then his anger started getting worse, he started feeling pressured from all angles of his life. He was confused about what he felt and thought, and in the end “I don’t know” was his answer to everything. He said he felt unable to make decisions.
This really upset me when his feelings for me started becoming part of what he was confused about, I was unfair to him I think. But at the time I didn’t know he had a problem. We’d argue a lot, and he later told me that he felt all my problems were being put on him, as well as all his problems, and he just couldn’t handle it.
We went up and down in the last 3 months (overall we were together for a year). He said he didn’t love me any more, he went through periods of wanting to end it and then not being sure. Things were bad before he went away for the whole of August, but then the day he left he was texting me, messaging me at least once a day, and telling me that he did miss me, more then he expected to. But then that stopped with no warning and he said he was just “indifferent” and he was sorry. But then the day he got back we spoke and he wanted to see me and I went over to his house and it was all great. And a few days after that he had to go to hospital, hes scared of needles and called me when he had a cannula in his arm. He asked me to come see him and I did, the whole time he was hugging me and keeping me close to him. Afterwards he told me he thought of me to get him through every injection.By this point though his anger was really bad. He’d started biting himself (his arm, really badly, leaving welds that lasted for days and made him bleed) to let his anger out. Shortly after he was out of hospital we argued over something and he ‘snapped’, he got uncontrollably angry and took his anger out on himself and everything around him. After that he said something inside him had snapped and he just didn’t feel anything for me any more. I was devastated, as I still loved him. He was still angry with me and would hardly talk to me, although after a week or so he started sitting next to me on the bus every day again.
But then, in late September he started seeing someone else. She was new at our College and he wasn’t even speaking to her really when we broke up, so I know he didn’t leave me for her. But still, I’ve never felt more hurt, and seeing them together every day killed me.
For the first 3 months he still really wanted to be friends with me. He’d sit with me and talk every day. He called me up 2 or 3 times, to play me some music on the piano, or just chat. We’d sometimes text, although I initiated a lot of it. I know I did a lot of damage purely from a ‘getting your ex back’ perspective by being desperate and needy and still telling him I loved him. Our relationship after we split was just as up and down. We’d talk all the time but still ague, because he’d think I was ‘getting better’ and wanted to be just friends, and I’d want more and when that surfaced things got ugly. But there were times when we’d talk and get along well and he’d even be a bit flirty without seeming to notice, though when he did he would pull himself back.
By this point his anger had gotten even worse. He said he was angry all the time. He had also started Dissociating, where he wouldn’t care for or about anyone or anything. He wouldn’t feel anything for anyone. This would pass but it still unsettled him.
Then in late December we argued and he ‘snapped’ again. After that he was just angry with me. I didn’t know what to do, but I knew he wanted to be just friends, and I’d been thinking before about telling him that I wanted that too; by this point I could see the pressure he was under and was starting to worry. I thought that at least telling him I only wanted to be friends would be best for us both.
So I told him, but he said he didn’t want to talk to me. That he needed a complete break from me. That he was angry with me and now associated me with his anger.
Sometimes during the last 3 months we have spoken. I’ve almost always initiated it, and he seems fine, until the end when he gets angry and says to leave him alone, that things aren’t fine and that he was only acting polite so we wouldn’t argue.There has been a couple of times when he messaged me saying he needed someone who understands to talk to. He says I’m the only one who understands him. That he can’t and doesn’t talk to anyone about anything. He says he has to ‘act’ all the time (with everyone, he is still with that girl but she’s included in the ‘everyone’) because hes always either angry or just withdrawn and not feeling anything. He has to act interested, and not just flat and emotionless.
Hes been diagnosed with more things now; first it was Dissociation Disorder and Paranoia (He gets paranoid that someone will kidnap and torture him, like in the Hostel and Saw films. He first mentioned this to me last April, but it didn’t seem serious then. Now he sleeps with a jujitsu weapon in his bed and wont close his eyes in the shower or put his head under the water in the bath, but he says he can usually overcome the fears by thinking logically), as well as Autism. He stopped biting himself to release his anger and started cutting. He cut himself 50 times up his arm when he ‘snapped’ (this time for no reason, but the worst so far). He says he can’t release his anger any more without cutting.
He started talking to me on MSN saying he needed someone who understood, but then he went offline. The next day I spoke to him and he said he had been diagnosed with Schizophrenia (not the type with hearing voices and delusions). Then I started asking him (which I think was a mistake) if he missed me, if he wanted to talk to me, etc…. he said he didn’t know to everything… I asked if he cared and he said he didn’t think so. He said that he would probably start talking to me now, and when I asked why he said because he had started so he may as well continue. I don’t know if he was just saying this as his way of making sense of things, but at the time I didn’t think it was good enough. I asked him not to just use me and he started getting a bit angry and that was the end of our conversation.
After that I decided to try and be friends with him, and to not bring up my feelings or concerns, because I thought he needed someone. I was nice to him when I saw him, and we chatted a few times, he leant me a book and gave me a stress ball he’d been given by a university stall, but I still felt like I was making all the effort. I said this to him and he started getting angry and told me not to. He said he didn’t want to talk to me, that he had nothing to say to me, and that he didn’t want to be friends. He told me that he didn’t even like me any more and that he hadn’t since December. He said that yes, I was the only one who understood him, and that he HATES that because he doesn’t like me and doesn’t want to talk to me. He said that I was always putting all my problems on him and that we always argue. He was getting really angry and said that he hadn’t been able to release his anger in months because his parents have hidden every sharp object (his parents know all about this and have him in psychotherapy). He said that all the bad feeling towards me was magnified because he couldn’t take his anger out on anyone else. He told me that he ‘knew’ I didn’t want to be just friends because of the way I looked at him when he was with her (which yeah I am very guilty of) and that he didn’t like me because I was so persistent and wouldn’t let go. He said that there was nothing between us at all and nothing to salvage.
He was being really cruel and harsh and at the time this devastated me. I took everything he said to heart and when I got home I fell to pieces, and it took me a day to recover from it. But now I don’t know how much of that he meant. I don’t know what effect Schizophrenia is having on him. And I don’t know if he only said those things out of anger and didn’t mean them, or if I just wish that were the case.
At the end of that conversation with him I think I managed to convince him that I only want to be friends (which is partly true, I still love him but I don’t really like him right now, because of how hes acting and how hes treated me. I don’t know if I’m ‘in love’ with him right now, but I do love him. I do want to get on the path to rebuilding our relationship, but right now the most I could handle would be friendship) and he said he’d think about it over the 2 and 1/2 week break we have from college and get back to me.
What should I do about all this? And what’s going on with him? Does he mean what he says or even know what he feels?
Your friend is not well. He is not stable and needs help. He may be unable to engage in a healthy relationship at this time because of his problems. My biggest concern is your friend’s uncontrolled anger. He has been engaged in self-harm until recently, when his weapons of self-destruction were removed by his parents. This has intensified and redirected his anger towards you. He has become so angry at times that he has “snapped” and taken out his anger on “everything and everyone around him.” Other concerning aspects of this situation include paranoia, to the point where he sleeps with a weapon under his pillow. His symptoms are not well controlled. Your safety may be at stake.
He has been diagnosed with several psychiatric conditions, the latest one being schizophrenia. Having schizophrenia does not mean that an individual is dangerous. In fact, research shows that individuals with schizophrenia are more likely to be victims rather than perpetrators of violence but under certain circumstances, the risk for violence increases. When? Risk factors of violence include:
- Active and uncontrolled psychotic symptoms (i.e. paranoia, delusions, etc)
- Not taking medication or not taking it consistently or as prescribed
- Under the influence of drugs and alcohol
- Uncontrolled anger outbursts
- Has a history of violence
Past violence is the best predictor of future violence. Your friend has a history of violence toward himself and not others but as I pointed out, you may have become a convenient target of his anger. His mood is unstable and when he becomes upset, his behavior is unpredictable. This puts you at risk.
You should encourage your friend to remain in treatment. Do his parents know how angry he can become? If not, you should inform them. He may require more intensive treatment than he is currently receiving. His symptoms do not seem well controlled. He needs time to stabilize his mood and symptoms before you should pursue a relationship with him.
To answer your specific question, it may be difficult for him to know how he feels. That might remain the case until he is stabilized.
I also believe that you should consider therapy. A therapist could advise you about how to handle this situation. You could benefit from guidance with regard to this relationship. It is difficult and challenging.
I hope this answers your question. If you have any followup questions, please do not hesitate to write.
I am afraid my fiance is not really ready for marriage. I feel he does not always treat our relationship as his top priority. I feel he lets the needs and wishes or his family come first sometimes. His family gets together frequently, much more often than my family does, and he expects me to attend every single gathering with him, even if it’s not a special occasion or holiday. He also wants his family celebrations to take priority over my family celebrations, which is completely unfair and upsetting to me. I told him his family is not more important than mine, that there needs to be a balance and we should alternate who we spend holidays with. He does not seem to understand this, and even suggested that we spend holidays separate from each other with our own families. I told him that is not the answer, that as a couple we should want to spend our holidays together. I told him I feel like I am not the number one person in his life, although I treat him this way. I told him that as my future husband, I expect him to “leave and cleave”, and create a new family unit with me that is separate from his family, and I expect him to treat this new family as his first priority. He said that he does not agree with that concept, that he thinks I am marrying into his family and need to be part of them and accept them. I explained that I do accept his family, but that our focus should be on our future, that will hopefully include a home and children of our own, and that no one or nothing should come between this. I really love my fiance, but I am afraid he is not really ready to fully commit. I think my expectations of him are completely reasonable, and that if he cannot see that, I need to end the relationship. Do you have any suggestions? Does it sound like I am engaged to a commitment-phobe and I am wasting my time? I need an objective opinion and advice. Thanks for your help.
I can’t give you a totally objective opinion because I don’t have your fiance’s point of view. What I can tell you is this: There are many legitimate ways to make a family. Some people “leave and cleave” as you suggest. Others marry into one or the other’s family. Still others carefully balance time with one family, time with the other. The model you choose isn’t the most important thing. The most important thing is that the couple works together until they are both reasonably comfortable with how they are going to relate to each other’s family throughout life.
Blaming your boyfriend for being a “commitmentphobe” or “unready for marriage” isn’t going to advance your conversation. He has a point of view. So do you. My guess is that the more you negatively label his approach to family, the more he digs in his heels. Back up. Apologize for your part in polarizing the discussion and start over. Try to talk together about what each of your wants and needs from a marriage and what you are concerned about — with no blaming or labeling. At 41, you and your guy have probably worked through other disagreements with other people who count. Bring those skills to this conversation.
How the two of you manage this disagreement will tell you a lot about how you will manage others. If you do love each other enough to consider marriage, it may well be worth it to get a little couples counseling to learn some new tools for staying in loving relationship while you work through a problem that really, really matters. There will be others.
I wish you well,
Dr. Marie
My in-laws are insistant that they can buy whatever they want for my daughter (she is 22 months old) It has bothered me but I have kept the peace. For Easter they bought her a live baby bunny as a pet after my husband and I said no. They tried to give it to her at a time when my husband was not there. I refused their gift and my mother in law yelled at me saying they would not have rules as grandparents and would do whatever they wanted in front of my daughter. She stopped speaking to me after this and I wrote an email days later calling them disrespectful for buying a pet for my 1 year old after we said no. It has now been almost 2 months and MIL would not speak to us. I emailed to see what we needed to do to be a family again and she demanded I apologize to her or she wouldn’t get past this. I did and then she said she didn’t accept, continues to insist she will do whatever she wants and we are still not speaking. I want to get past this. But I want respect. If we (the parents) say no-no one has the right to do something against our wishes for our child. And I’m just talking things that are not appropriate for a child her age. They didn’t consider that we have 2 cats and a dog already in our home, or that we would be responsible for the expense of the bunny, that my daughter is not old enough to care or be responsible for a pet and therefore it falls on me. I’m sorry it hurt their feelings that we said no but its our my child. Can our realtionship be saved for the sake of my daughter?
Your in-laws are way out of line. As far as I can tell, you have done nothing wrong. You have the right to set reasonable boundaries around your in-laws’ relationship with your child. The important word is “reasonable.” It is certainly reasonable for you to not want another pet. You’re right that you would end up caring for it. It is not reasonable for your mother-in-law to think she can do and say anything she wants just because she is a grandmother. That entitlement doesn’t come with the job description.
Where is your husband in all of this? You shouldn’t be negotiating boundaries on your own. This is an important developmental milestone in the maturing of your own family. Your husband, their son, needs to be clearly on the same page with you. The two of you – together – need to decide what is in the best interests of your child. You need – together – to have a loving talk with your in-laws. You can certainly tell them that you appreciate their interest in your daughter. You can tell them how important it is for your daughter to have loving grandparents. But you can also tell them that it isn’t appropriate for them not to honor your role as your daughter’s parents. It isn’t at all supportive of your authority as parents if your daughter understands that she can always appeal to a “higher court,” her grandparents. It isn’t healthy for her to grow up with tension between the two generations of people who love her.
When you have this conversation, it’s important that you stay loving and clear, not angry. Engaging in an argument gives the impression that you can be talked out of your position. Supporting each other means staying clear and rational.
I sincerely hope that you and your husband can work together to resolve this situation. Often grandparents like these do back off when they realize that the younger couple really means it when they assert boundaries.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
My wife has attachment disorder. We have been married for almost 3 years. Ever since the beginning of our relationship we’ve had a lot of stress in our lives. I chose to focus on that stress rather than focus on her and how perfect we were for each other. She’s also been sick since before we met with adrenal fatigue and a gluten intolerance that only recently we figured out. But, before, we only knew that she was sick but not the reason. Therefore, I had to really take care of her physical needs. Some days she wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed and I had to take care of her.
This never bothered me, but after a very short while, I started resenting her. I wanted to be with her but it was mostly as friends. I wasn’t in the mood for sex almost every day. She was the one who always started anything and even during the act, I just wasn’t very much into it. I don’t know why. I think she is beautiful and sexy but I could go months without sex and be fine with just a cuddle. I also didn’t compliment her almost at all. She would act sexy and seductive for me and I would barely notice, not because I didn’t enjoy it but because I was distracted and didn’t pay attention to her.
The problem is that she always asked me to talk to her and to be honest with her and I ignored that. I chose to keep all these feelings to myself, afraid that it would cause and argument (I don’t like confrontation).
I also recently found out I have hypothyroidism. She knows it can cause a loss of interest and lower the libido. However, she thinks (and I agree) that it doesn’t matter how I FELT, I could have still made an effort to make her feel beautiful and wanted.
Now, after many many chances she’s given me, she said she’s had enough. She broke up with me and, even though we are still living together, we are only friends. I know I was selfish, and stupid for not talking to her, even though she begged me to. And now, no matter how hard I try, she says that she’s detached from me. She feels a little spark and it’s gone in less than 2 seconds. She says she still loves me, but it was really hard for her to attach to me in the first place and she feels like it’s not worth doing all that work again because of how I treated her. She was always crazy about me.
I used to have a very low self esteem and she made me feel like the most wonderful and beautiful person in the world. I just took what she gave me and didn’t give anything in return. To the point that she started doubting herself and feeling like she wasn’t beautiful or like there was something wrong with her.
I don’t want to lose her and I don’t know how to make things right. But I don’t know if things can be fixed between us. I don’t know if she will ever trust me with her heart again. Thinking back, I can’t understand why I did that. It makes no sense to me.
This relationship has been sapped of its energy. Unable to deal with conflict, you didn’t talk about your feelings and only acted out your resentment. It took the threat of losing her for you to re-engage. Understandably, your wife doesn’t trust it.
If your wife is willing, please consider seeing a couples therapist to develop new ways to communicate and to support each other. If your wife won’t go at this point, please consider seeing a therapist yourself. Marriages go through hard times as well as good times. You want to figure out why you couldn’t be a loving support to someone you love so this doesn’t happen to you again.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Tonight my boyfriend of five years told me that he cheated on me (protected) last week while drunk at a party with a girl he dosn’t know. About two years ago he slept with another female during a brief break up and contracted and eventually gave me a STD, I broke up with him then. At the time he was about 18 and I about 16. About a year and a half ago I decided to give the relationship another chance in hopes that he had matured enough for this commitment. This past year and a half has been amazing, we handle all problems like adults and are able to compromise and he had ultimately gained my trust back. This recent infidelity has come as a complete shock to me. Our relationship seemed to be at its best and I was considering marriage as the next step. I am now completely devastated and I just don’t know what to do. He is BEYOND remorseful and has been begging for me to stay offering to do anything. Everyone I talk to claims “men cheat” and that what he did, while wrong and inexcusable, shouldn’t be ground for break up. I know more detail is needed for a complete response but to sum it up I have been with him (solely) since I was 14, now 18 and in college (& a little mature for my age)with our relationship/love being SO strong plans on moving together to our own place and marriage were in the making. I know how sorry he is and I am sure he really will do w.e. it takes to get me back, I just don’t know if I should. I am so hurt and I feel like it may be more hurt to leave that stay. I feel like I found something good and I wish he didn’t put me in this position. I am beginning to consider couples counseling? Please help!!!
Couples counseling is a great idea. However great your relationship is, your boyfriend has twice acted in a way that pulls you two back from a permanent commitment. He needs to take a serious look at just why he has done that. You need to take it seriously too. It could well be that he isn’t as ready to take the next steps toward a life together that you are but isn’t able or willing to face it to himself or to you.
It’s not incompatible for him to care for you a good deal and still not be ready. You two have been together through your teen years and have no experience with other people. There may be a part of him that wonders what he’s missing if he slips right into marriage.
It’s wise to think about couples counseling. A skilled counselor will help the two of you bring any doubts or fears to the surface so you can deal with them directly instead of by creating a crisis. You will deepen your understanding of yourselves and each other and you will improve your communication.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
I am 21 years old, and lately I’ve been experienced a lot of anxiety. My childhood was a normal childhood, I am the oldest of four children, my parents are married, and both work and I grew up in a small town and had a really happy normal childhood. Since I was little (about 12) I lacked self confidence, but then I started gained it, and by the time I was 15 I was in a pretty good place in my life, I loved it, I had many friends a happy and great life, and that year I met my current boyfriend. After a year of being together, he cheated on me with another girl, that killed me he was the first person I had ever truly loved and he did that to me, he apologized and begged for me to take him back so I did; and we’ve been together since then. A year or so after that, he moved out of the country and we broke up, I was devastated, because I felt like after all the years spent with him nothing counted, and it was when this whole paranoia and lack of self confidence started. Not so long ago he asked me to get back together, I was really happy but then again my situation of low self-confidence and self-esteem got worse each day. Currently I feel like I have no control over my actions, I feel like in my past I was really outgoing and could make friends easily, now I can’t, I feel as if I am boring and I rethink a million times everything I want to say or do, which as a result brings having a difficult time meeting new people. I feel paranoid all the time thinking people are going to talk bad about me behind my back or will think I look bad or I’m fat or ugly, I feel as if I have lost all of my personality. I get really furious at myself almost everyday when I see pictures of other girls my same age or even younger than me that I know partying, traveling and having a great time, while I’m sitting at my house not enjoying my youth, because my paranoia of not being good enough won’t let me. These problems have affected my relationship with my boyfriend and my family. My boyfriend constantly tells me that I have changed, that I am not as fun and adventurous as I used to be, that I acted as if I had lost my personality, the one which he fell in love with, and I feel he is right, I also feel scared all the time that he will leave me any time and find a girl that is happier and more fun than me. Rewarding my family, I’m always moody I treat my brothers and sisters very bad, by getting easily irritated by them and I find myself screaming and yelling at them all the time, as if I had no patience with them and could not stand their site. Not only has my personal life has been going down the drain I have also been getting bad academic reports, in the past year I have failed 2 classes, and my grades have decreased incredibly. I mentioned the fact that my boyfriend cheated on me before, because I feel that in a way this has to do with everything that I am going through right now, after that happened my life started going down the drain and it hasn’t stopped. Every single aspect of my life was affected by the fact that the person I loved and trusted the most betrayed me, cheated on me, with a girl I even knew! I forgave him because he demonstrated he cared, and he showed me in so many ways he loves me and he was so extremely sorry. What makes me more mad it is not the fact that he cheated on me, but the fact that this girl with who cheated on me with had everything going for her, even though she is a horrible mean person she seems to have everything in a perfect way, perfect hair, perfect car, perfect body, perfect friends, perfect everything and I don’t. I feel like myself is in ruins, literally. Another thing that makes me so uncomfortable is my boyfriend’s family; because of my low self esteem and the fact that I am so different in every way from them, I feel as if they hate me; I’m paranoid about what they might think of me, when I’m with them I’m afraid to speak or say something, because of the fear of making a fool out of myself, so I come off as rude and shy, so I have no idea what to do. I feel so alone because I have no one to talk to, no one to express myself with, I have no friends, I have gotten FAT I have gained more than 10 pounds from eating so much (anxiety), my boyfriend lives in another country and currently reminds me of how much he’s noticed that I have changed, my academic has been awful, I am depressed, I cry every single night hoping my attitude will change. Please help me, I have tried to change but I feel lost, I feel as if something is missing, I am not satisfied with my life, I feel as if my best years are going by and I’m in my room crying and eating. Please help me I feel as if I have no control over my life, what do you think I should do?
I am glad you are taking care of yourself by reaching out to us here. Your self-esteem has taken a hit because you are too dependent on your boyfriend as a barometer for your own emotional wellbeing. This isn’t a very functional relationship, from what you are telling me, and I can understand why you would feel insecure and anxious. Your trust in him is shaky (at best). He is living in another country, and his criticism of your changes doesn’t help. It is time to reclaim yourself and become more self-reliant and resilient.
I am not suggesting you end the relationship, but I am asking you to put it in perspective. It sounds like you are drawn to his potential rather than his reality. Obviously you get something out of the relationship, but don’t confuse what you want him to be with who he is.
I would begin reclaiming your life and work on getting yourself back. Start a program of taking care of your body, your intellectual development and your emotional wellbeing. Your boyfriend cannot do these things for you. You have to take care of yourself. If you do this it is a win-win situation. If the relationship survives then you will be less needy and more capable and happier in it. If the relationship doesn’t survive you will be able to move on with confidence.
A therapist during this time is a good idea. If you don’t already have one you may want to begin and create some emotional support. The college you are going to will have a counselling center with a number of qualified therapists.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Hi, I have been dating this guy for two years and half now. Everything has been going so well. In October, we housed two ladies from our country that were in need. Since they have left, one is always calling, cares about him like he was her own son. It seems like she forgot I even exist.She sent him emails, but no reference to me. As long as I remember, I had to give my voice on their stay in our apartment. Apparently, her whole family knows about my boyfriend, but not me. She asked him to buy beauty products, i did the shopping because he does not know anything about that. She congratulated him. In january, she introduced her daughter to my boyfriend over the phone. She wrote a book and they have been discussing about everything. The girl is overseas and has a boyfriend. She basically talks to him like they have known each other for a while. He knows her whole life story. Once, he had lost his phone and waited for a replacement. When that happened, she sent him an email, telling him that she misses their long conversation;there was nothing about loving or else. It’s true the guy is older than me. And the girl’s age is closer to his. He sometimes criticizes her and said? He will call her or she calls, and they will speak about anything for over an hour and half. Whenever he talks to her, i just feel uncomfortable, and I leave the apartment. They talk and talk and talk. I feel so left out. I don’t know how to confront him about that. I even asked him the other day, if I was being too jealous. He is like”no, it’s natural…” Today, again, they spoke on the phone. I know, because i saw the number, but he didnt tell me about that. Usually he does. When he talks to her, he goes to the balcony and lowers his voice. I mean, what kind of behavior is that? But he says, there are just friends…
Am I being paranoid?? Should I confront him about that again? I am not the type that like to separate people, but i do not approve of that relationship. That’s all.
What should I do? Help me. Thank you.
I do not think you are being paranoid. Nor do I think his behavior is “natural.” There is nothing natural about talking for hours, almost every day, with another female who is not his significant other. They have apparently developed a close, emotional relationship, one that does not involve you. You would probably feel much better if you were involved in the relationship but you aren’t and that is a problem.
His behavior has actually gotten worse. He used to tell you when she called and when they talked. He no longer tells you. He keeps it a secret and he hides when he is on the phone with her. Now you’re concerned and rightly so. His behavior is deceptive and unacceptable.
Yes, you should talk to him again. He should be willing to convert the relationship he has with her into one that is acceptable to you. If he is not willing to do this then your relationship with him is likely over. Ways he could convert the relationship to be more acceptable to you may include there being no secrecy when she calls, he talks to her on the phone while in the same room with you, or the two of you have her over together, etc. If he can’t abide by the rules that the two of you set, then your relationship with him is already over. If he chooses not to abide by the rules or does not believe that you should be bothered by their relationship, then you may have to face the fact that your relationship is over.
The relationship between you and he should be the most important. If he doesn’t choose your relationship over that of his new friend then you must realize the full impact of his choice. You can’t allow him to demean you by his trying to make you think that you are wrong or jealous. He is being deceitful and secretive. He needs to see the errors of his ways. Perhaps he has found someone that he loves more than you, perhaps he is simply cheating but by any measure–he is wrong to behave as he has been.
Good luck.
My friend is in a relationship for app. 4 years now. she found out a year after they met that he was married , and had a kid. He promised her to divorce the wife but after 3 years he is still married and lives with his wife.
my friend left her parents and went to the city where he lives , rented an apartment and started to work as a waitress just to be close to him, he used to come and go to her house , sometimes stayed overnight and sometimes going to his wife. he treated her really bad, used to insult in front of the people in the street and not caring about her . well, he doesnt love or respect her at all!
She lied to her parents that they got married and etc. so after years the family learnt about the lies and everything but they still accepted her and tried to help. as she used to work very hard for almost no money and could not earn enough for living , her family decided to take credit from the bank and send her abroad to work. he did not even say good bye to her.he did not appear at the airport.
after a week she sends money to him and some clothes as a gift, while telling her family she is unemployed! knowing that while she is there , her boyfriend lives with his wife, but she says ” she loves him to death” and sees nothing else farther.
whatever wrong he does , she thinks thats the way it s supposed to be. she still hopes one day he s gonna divorce and marry her but HE doesnt care. He doesnt even ask how she is there. he just enjoys the money and gifts from an unemployed girl who is cleaning some toilets in a foreign country and NOT getting paid enough to buy food.
i talked to her family today, they are confused, they dont know what to do. her father , this huge strong man cried sometimes as her sister told me . please, i need some advice, is there anything we can do to make her believe that she deserves better than a man who doesn’t give a damn about her. she doesnt want to talk about it. always cutting the conversation when someone talks about her relationship. she is manipulated, with no self esteem or dignity .
What shall we do to make her see life a different way ?
Thank you in advance.
This is a sad, sad story. I’m deeply concerned for your friend and also for all those who love her. Unfortunately, there is really nothing you can do to make her see that she is throwing away years of her life for someone who doesn’t deserve her. She is an adult. She may be an adult who has little self-respect or self-esteem but she is nonetheless an adult who is entitled to make her own decisions. All you can all do is state your opinions calmly and then love her (love her a lot) and hope she comes to her senses.
There are names for guys like this one who take advantage of a person’s neediness and willingness to spend money she doesn’t have in order to keep him attached to her. I won’t indulge in name-calling. Suffice to say, I don’t think much of him. I suppose you could appeal to whatever sliver of character is in him and see if he will do her the favor of breaking it off but I’m not optimistic that he will cooperate.
I do wonder why the family thought sending her abroad would be helpful. I’m sure I don’t have the complete story but I suggest that you all consider whether distance is helping. Sometimes it doesn’t. When people don’t see the object of their love, they can start to fantasize that the person is much more wonderful than he or she is. It might be more helpful to bring her back home where this guy’s behavior can’t be romanticized by lack of contact. Seeing the good, mutual, positive relationships of those around her may also make this guy look worse by contrast.
I’m sure this situation is breaking the hearts of the people who care for your friend. It’s one of the hardest things in the world to watch someone you love self-destruct. As addictions counselors will tell you, sometimes a person has to really “hit bottom” before they give up something or someone that isn’t good for them. Your friend isn’t there yet. Someday she is going to appreciate how much you all have tried to help but she can’t see that yet either. I hope you can find ways to continue to offer her support but also protect yourself by detaching a bit.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
I’ve currently been dating a man for 8 months. He’s 45, never been married and has no kids. I’m 1 month away from a finalized divorce and share 2 little boys with my ex. My married relationship has been over for years and I’ve dated a bit before I got into my current relationship.
My current relationship has been fast, but fantastic. We laugh a lot together, we can communicate really well, have been able to very successfully work through and resolve conflict, our sexlife is great, we share the same goals for life and we continue to share and build a trust and a bond which we both haven’t felt with anyone else.
The problem is, he feels like he’s living in the shadow of my ex and feels like he’ll always be standing on the outside looking in. THe only thing we fight about is my ex. I have not much contact with my ex except when it involves my kids. There has been a bit of drama going through the divorce but not much. My boyfriend has been very supportive but obsesses about my past life. I want to reassure him and make him feel like he is number 1 in my life, because he is. He just can’t get over me having an ex and says that will bother him always.
My boyfriend suffers from extreme depression and I know that the stress from my impending divorce must be brutal for him to deal with at times. But we love each other and we have put 8 months into this relationship, which in my eyes and I believe in his, a relationship that holds so much promise. What should I do?
What you should do is slow down. Eight months is a very short time to make a lifetime decision. You may think your marriage was over long ago but you haven’t been divorced. Please take the time to make sense of your prior relationship and what went wrong. You’ll be sharing parenting even if you aren’t sharing a life together so it’s important to gain perspective and, hopefully, a positive working relationship with your ex.
Your boyfriend seems to want you to have no past. That’s unrealistic and unfair. To be with you is to be with someone who has had a life that was different from his own. He’s right that he will always be on the outside to some extent. That’s not the problem. The problem is that he can’t accept that fact as your reality. You have two little boys who ideally should have a relationship with their father. They can also have a relationship with a stepdad, of course. But it’s unfair of your boyfriend to ask you and the boys to act as if the other man isn’t still an important person in the life of your family.
I very much hope your boyfriend is in active treatment for his depression. He needs to be doing the hard work involved in learning to manage a mental illness, not asking you to change your history to make it easier for him.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
Q: How do you feel about writing a letter to my husband outlining the things that we argue about and why I react the way I do? We have a relatively happy married life with one exception; we argue in a horrible mean way that usually entails discussion from one us talking about leaving. We both agree that we don’t want to separate; but the arguments are horrible and I usually end up getting hysterical. He has a tendency to take a relatively minor issue and imagine it to be worse than it is. Then he ponders this until he has it in his head that I am playing some kind of game or trying to manipulate him in some way! Most of the time, I am completely unaware of what the issue is because he won’t discuss what he is angry about! I can’t win. All I can tell you is that I have never tried to manipulate him in any way…however, he was betrayed by a close female co-worker and friend. So the only thing I can think of is that now he thinks all women are like she is. I have a letter all typed up outlining the two major issues we tend to argue over and have explained why I react the way I do. Explanation: he has gotten angry with me for turning out the light when we went bed because he believed that this meant that I did not want to make love. This was nothing new so I’m really not sure what prompted this at this time, but now I’m leery of turning out the light right away. Also, I can tell he’s upset about something by his actions (he tenses up when I touch him) and by his quick, terse responses to questions. The problem is, I can’t always tell if he’s upset with me or not. I’ve asked him several times to tell me if it’s me and what it was that I did or said to make him upset (sometimes it is over something he has totally imagined) but he refuses, saying that he doesn’t have to tell me everything that is going on in his head, or that he doesn’t need to be scripted every time he’s in a bad mood. The gist of this problem is that I was sexually abused in my first marriage and that totally trashed my self-esteem. As a result, my emotions are very hard for me to control, especially when he is angry over something that I may have done or said. My letter to him is merely an explanation of where I am coming from. There is no finger pointing, no quotes, no accusations; just explanation of the key points. Does this sound like a good plan, or should I shred it and try another approach. We have been married for 12 years and these are basically the only things we argue over. If the letter is a good idea, any suggestions as to what and/or how I should proceed? Thank you.
I’d say that a letter is a fine place to start but from what you are describing here, I would suggest more than that. Writing things down is an excellent way to clarify your own feelings. I often recommend both journaling and letter writing. Sometimes giving someone a letter is a nice way to communicate in a clear manner without emotions getting in the way. However, many people still need to work on being able to communicate verbally with each other without the yelling and blaming or the relationship doesn’t work. It sounds to me like the two of you could definitely benefit from marital therapy. Having a third person in the room is an excellent way to work on communication and problem solving without slipping into the same old patterns. If for some reason this isn’t an option I would at least suggest getting a well written book by a professional to help you. Some titles that I recommend are: The 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work, Relationship Rescue, Getting the Love you Want, and Fighting for your Marriage. I know there are many others available that are helpful as well. I’m also wondering if you have addressed the sexual abuse you mentioned. Have you been in therapy yourself? If not, please consider this as well because you may still have some healing to do before you can ever truly trust or be fully open to someone. However, I don’t suggest being “fully open” to someone who is abusive either and some of your comments about your husband make me wonder about verbal and emotional abuse. Regardless, it sounds like you and your husband have some unhealthy ways of relating to each other and I hope you will get help so you can experience the richness that a healthy marriage can offer.
I screwed up big time. My fiancée and I have been together for 5 years and have an 18-month-old daughter. For the past few months I’ve been feeling increasingly isolated (I’m an at home mom and he’s gone with work or projects). I’ve tried speaking with him and asked countless times to spend more time with him and let him know how sad I’ve felt. He’s always shrugged this off and noted that he has “to get things done” around the house and at our rental properties, etc.
After nagging him for some time I decided to seek emotional support from friends and began going out more often. In the past few weeks I’ve gone out three times and each time I drank too much to drive home. The first two times I stayed at my girlfriends house and he didn’t seem to mind much but the last time I went out with all guys. They were friends of mine but one, by my own assertion, “was a male whore”. I made a ridiculously stupid decision and decided to stay in a hotel room with the “male whore”. I also lied about where I was staying to protect myself and claimed I had stayed at friends. He called to friend and just about everyone else I knew and found out that wasn’t true (my phone had died). When I arrived home he was waiting for me and I continued to lie through my teeth to save myself when all I did was make it worse. I eventually admitted what had happened and have apologized profusely. I acted selfishly and have offered to end all communication with everyone and never go again if he would agree to work on things in the relationship but he’s flat out refused. He’s told his entire family and is making preparations to move me out of the house. I’ve begged for counseling but he says a counselor can’t get him to trust again. He just keeps reiterating what I said, what I did, what I should have done, what I could have done and I wish to God I had thought of those things before I made such stupid decisions. I’ve stopped eating in an effort to hurt myself the way I’ve hurt him and I really don’t think I can live with this guilt the rest of my life. I know I’ve screwed up and maybe there’s nothing I can do but I’m still willing to try. Any advice to save my relationship and my family would be greatly appreciated.
I deeply appreciate your question and concern. Bu this is an opportunity for a more nuanced evaluation, not simply having to “save the relationship.”
Your actions speak volumes about how poor of a partner he has been. You tried to talk with him and explain and the best he could do was shrug it off. The truth is you were massively dissatisfied in the relationship.
You chose a male whore for a reason. The only purpose was to create enough of a dysregulation in the relationship with your fiance so that resentment over the relationship issue would come to a peak; now it has.
Your fiancé didn’t get the message that you were not happy and that he needed to change, or talk, or something to preserve the relationship. While there might have been other, better choices in how you dealt with this, the truth is your fiancé was unresponsive and doesn’t realize his role in this.
His actions following this, which also leave him out of the formula for change, are also telling. My guess is that he wanted out of the relationship too, but did it passively, not wanting to deal with the dissatisfaction directly.
For you I would begin going to therapy to understand more about the reasons you deal with your dissatisfaction the way you do. Offer to go to couples therapy to work on the relationship, but this would be something he would want to fully engage in to be fruitful.
Finally let me recommend a book, After the Affair by Janis Abrahms Spring and Michael Spring. It is an excellent description of both sides of this coin.
But this is a learning opportunity above all else. Learn what your other options could’ve been, what allowed you to tolerate such an unfulfilling relationship, and what will happen when those feelings inevitably come up for you in the future.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
A little over two years ago I lost my father to pancreatic cancer. I left my friends and my life on the east coast to help mom take care of him. Before he passed he and my mother adopted my young niece and nephew. After his passing I stayed on to help her with the kids. She decided she no longer wanted to live where my father had passed, so we moved out west. I had a female friend that I kept in contact with and we decided to make a go of a relationship. My only concern is that she was much younger than I (she was 23, I was 35). She moved out west with me about 6 months after I came out.
Almost immediately there were problems. She was insecure and jealous. I chalked this up to her not knowing anyone and not working. I begged her to find friends or a job, but she became more clingy and I felt I couldn’t breathe. We split up for a couple of weeks and then decided to try again. I found out a month later that, while we were apart, she slept with one of her friends. I had difficulty dealing with this. I know we weren’t together, but she told me she loved me countless times, even when times were rough. I didn’t understand how she could have done that if she loved me. We still tried to make things work, though.
I began counseling for the depression I never dealt with at the passing of my father. I also began taking anti-depressants. But the arguing continued. She was even more distrustful than before. I felt I was being punished for her mistake. I couldn’t have female friends. I never went anywhere without her. I was feeling cornered again. She still wasn’t working regularly so I was taking care of our financial obligations. She would get upset and tell me I never took her anywhere. I tried to explain that I didn’t have the money because of the bills I was paying.
Now, before she came out west, she knew that I needed to be with my mother to help with the kids. I was living in northern CO when she came out and my mother was living near Denver, renting a home. She finally found a home she wanted to buy (with plenty of room for my ex and I) and we made our arrangements to move. But the arguments would not stop. We began to argue in front of the kids, and I couldn’t take it. I knew this was unhealthy for them and I couldn’t allow it to continue. I told her as much and she said that she would just move back home. She would say this a lot, so I assumed it’s what she wanted. I let her go. This was Christmas Eve 2012.
We kept in contact and a week later she told me she was moving back out. She had contacted her old job and an old coworker and lined up work and a place to stay. She came back out right after New Years and we began to talk again. She said she wanted to work it out and that she loved me. She would even come visit and stay the night. But, toward the end of January, I stopped hearing from her. Recently I learned that she is in a relationship and has been since Jan. 19! And she has severed all means of contact. Why would she say she loved me and wanted to work it out if she had begun to see someone?
Needless to say that didn’t help with the way I have been feeling. There is also the issue of my living arrangements. I have moved into the house my mother bought. I feel I have given up my freedom once again. I don’t know anyone here, don’t have any friends. All I do is go to work, the gym, and home. I feel so alone. I don’t think I could get back with my ex, even if she wanted to, because I don’t think she ever really loved me. How could she if she could forget about me so quickly? But I don’t know how to meet anyone else. Or if I should right now.
I am not suicidal, but I do wonder if people would be better off were I not around, if that makes any sense. I feel like I should just disappear, cut off all contact, and start all over somewhere new so I don’t have to burden the few friends I have or my family anymore. But I also don’t want to abandon my mother to raise these kids without any help. I think I’m doing what my father would have wanted, but I know he wouldn’t want me to hurt like this. I just want it to stop. What should I do?
Please stop torturing yourself about your former girlfriend. She sounds very insecure and immature to me. You were right to be concerned about the age difference. At 23, she is just figuring herself out as an adult. She wanted to be your everything and you, being in your mid-30s, had taken on other responsibilities. The timing just wasn’t right for the two of you.
I don’t think it would be wise for you to revisit that relationship. It’s time to move on and to find someone who is interested in sharing you with the rest of your family. Believe me: There are mature women who would be delighted to be with someone who is as responsible as you are.
I admire your willingness to take on helping your mother raise the children. But it also sounds like you and your mother didn’t think things all the way through. I understand why your mom didn’t want to live where she had lost her husband. But by moving west, she also separated herself from other supports and friends who could be helpful right now. In your good intentions, you did the same. I don’t know if that move can be undone or even if it should be, but it does explain why you are both feeling like you don’t have enough emotional or practical support and are perhaps leaning on each other too much.
You are right that you gave up some of your freedom. You have taken on a co-parenting job and giving up freedom is always part of the parenting package. But it also sounds like you and your mom aren’t doing all that you could to make the many transitions you are going through work better for both of you.
It’s time for a calm, rational, “let’s figure this out” kind of talk. You need to be meeting other young people and having a life. Your mom needs some help. How can you keep both needs in balance? Can you, for example, alternate nights “off” from child care? If you have a clear schedule, you can each commit to doing some new things outside of the house.
Although going to the gym is a healthy start, you need to also be joining in some activities where you can meet people your age and stage of life. That means getting involved in something that truly interests you where there are others who share those interests. Yes, it takes effort. But it also takes a kind of effort to be depressed. Trying out a volunteer job, or participating in a political campaign or joining a team or taking a class will get you further than being at home every night wishing you were elsewhere.
Please remember that thousands and thousands of people relocate every year. Most adapt to their new surroundings and make new friends. If you and your mother decide to stay there, you can too. Look around. Commit to moving forward and finding a niche for yourself in your new community. Don’t quit until you do. Not only will you be happier, but you’ll be a better role model for the kids and more helpful to your mom.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
I’ve had depression since I was very young but was officially diagnosed when I was 16. For as long as I can remember my parents have always fought with one another about every subject imaginable. For example, what to eat for dinner; my grades; my weight; money; or even the cleanliness of the carpet. Their fighting makes me want to crawl in a hole and never come out.
I have a closer relationship with my mom, but I still feel like she is dissatisfied with me. The only time she tells me how she feels is when she’s over the top mad and yells at me. Most of the time when she’s mad she completely ignores me and walks around with a smile on her face.
Most recently I got a tattoo on my leg using my money of a sport that I am very passionate about. My mom doesn’t like tattoos and obviously doesn’t like it. I can’t tell my dad about it because he would straight out tell me that I was stupid to get it and that it is a stupid tattoo. I have three other tattoos that they know about. So for the past week I’ve been walking around with a bandage over it so my mom doesn’t have to look at it and my dad doesn’t see it.
I feel like I can’t be myself. I feel incredibly lonely. I’m uncomfortable at home when my parents are there, and when they are there I feel like I have to walk on egg shells to keep them from fighting or getting mad at me.
I used to see a therapist specializing in teenage anxiety and depression, but I became well enough to stop receiving treatment. I don’t know how to tell my parents how unhappy I am and that I am planning on not moving home next summer just to escape the emotional roller coaster that is my house.
It makes sense that you do not want to be in the presence of your parents. As you said, their fighting makes you feel uncomfortable. Most people would feel the way you do. No one wants to be in the presence of continuous arguing. It’s very unpleasant.
What is less clear is why you feel as though your parents don’t love you. Are you blaming yourself for their fights? Perhaps you believe that if they loved you, they would not fight. Try not to take their arguing personally. In all likelihood, it has more to do with their dissatisfaction with each another than to do with their love for you.
I would encourage you to tell your parents how you feel. It is important to be honest and to voice your opinion. Their continuous arguments are negatively affecting your life and they need to be made aware of this fact. They likely are unaware of how their behavior is affecting you. If you have difficulty speaking to them in person about these issues, then consider writing them a letter. Sometimes people feel more comfortable writing about their feelings than they do stating them in person.
You might also benefit from returning to therapy, at least for a few sessions. It seems as though you could use the support of a therapist at this time. The therapist could also provide guidance with regard to how to approach your parents, how to better understand this situation and how to adjust your feelings accordingly. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
I am an educated female who has struggled finding people to date who I find are a compatible match. It has also been difficult because my education tells me to make certain decisions about relationships but then I find others are making decisions that would go against what my education tells me, and they seem successful at their relationships. For example, I met an individual who essentially was not honest about his decision to not keep his three children when he had a choice to have sole custody. The mother also abandoned the children. He stated he felt great shame about his decision but then never made any contact or supported the children financially. He stated the children were better off when their grandparents. After receiving this information I continued the relationship because I didn’t want to judge his decision yet this type of behavior would indicate that if he left his children with another woman, I felt he could do it again if we had children. Morally, I thought what he did was wrong. He ended the relationship essentially because I was not able to get past that issue. One month later he met someone who was recently divorced and they eventually married now they have a child together and are happily married four years later. When I hear a story of two people such as this who find love, I question my own thought process..was I wrong for judging his behavior? Was it possible he still has the opportunity to be a great husband and father? Or does it come down to we are both capable of having a positive relationship but he and I were not compatible? Since I am the one who is still single searching for a compatible match, it makes me question my thought process, especially when it seems others around me seem to find love and marriage so quickly and easily. Do you have any insight?
Your question is difficult to answer. I need many more details. You stated that your ex was not honest about his decision regarding custody of his three children. In what way was he not honest? Did he outright lie to you? It would have been helpful to know what you meant by “not honest.”
Usually, the court determines custody. Did the court determine that the children were best suited to live with their grandparents? He may have very much wanted to be with his children but was not granted custody.
Another possibility, given the situation, is he may have determined that it was in the children’s best interest to live with their grandparents. For example, an analogous situation would be parents who send their children to boarding school. They may not want to be physically separated from their children but determined that the advantages of boarding school outweighed the disadvantages. Most would not characterize parents who sent their children to boarding school as being unloving or uncaring.
On the other hand, maybe he was completely irresponsible with his children. You mentioned that he was not willing to support them financially. Why was that? Was he unable to? Also, I wonder whether he attempts to make contact with them. Is he allowed to have contact with them? If the court awarded the grandparents sole custody, why was that the case? Was there something wrong? The key to determining whether his decision was morally correct (and subsequently determining whether your thinking was logical) lies in examining the circumstances surrounding the custody case.
I want to commend you for your willingness to examine your thoughts and behavior during the relationship. Many people are not open to such a process. It could prevent you from making poor decisions in the future. Unfortunately, given the limited information provided I cannot determine whether your thinking was logical or not. I believe that you are an excellent candidate for therapy. Why? Because you have a specific situation that you want to analyze. A therapist would be able to gather many more details about your relationship and could help you determine whether your thinking was rational and logical.
Here’s a link to a therapist directory. I hope you’re able to eventually figure out the answer to your question. If you would like to write back and provide more details I may be able to give a more specific answer.
Thanks for writing.
I completely lost the desire to have sex after having my first baby 2 years ago. My sex drive never returned. Ever since I had a baby, I have not wanted to have sex at all. Just the thought of it would be a complete turn off. Of course, it’s starting to take a toll in my relationship and I just want to fix this problem. I am now pregnant with my second only for the fact that I just did it with him a few times to keep him happy. But sex actually is very painful for me. There is no position that I tried that doesn’t hurt. I haven’t had a sex drive in a little over 2 years now and something is telling me that it isn’t right. My boyfriend’s mom thinks it maybe be trauma related. I was a teen mom, getting pregnant at 15 and having my first baby at 16. Could that be possible? I need professional help. I don’t know what else to do.
A; I’m so, so sorry this hasn’t been dealt with long ago. Your mother-in-law is right. It’s highly possible that this is a psychological response to getting pregnant so young. But it’s also possible that something happened to you physically during the birth of your first child that is making sex so painful. Of course, it could be both.
The first thing to do is to have a very, very honest talk with your OB/GYN. Be as specific as you can manage. Ask for a thorough exam. Since your doctor has been focused on your pregnancy, it’s possible that a physical problem hasn’t been seen or understood. Also talk about whether you should see an endocrinologist to check hormone levels. It’s also possible that your body never fully recovered from pregnancy. ((That may be hard to determine right now since you are pregnant again.) The point is — get a complete and thorough physical workup to rule out an undiagnosed medical issue.
If you check out physically, it’s then time to seek out a mental health counselor to further explore the trauma issue and whether there are psychological reasons for you to be uninterested in sexual contact and in pain when you try. It would be a shame, indeed, for you to give up on the closeness and sweetness of a physical relationship with someone you love due to an unresolved issue from your early teen years.
You are only 18. You’ve jumped into adult life very early. You have huge responsibilities with a toddler and a baby on the way. I very much hope that you have a loving partner and that the two of you are finding a way to build a strong family. I hope you have support and practical help of older people who care about you as well. You’ve chosen a hard path but not an impossible one.
I’m very glad you wrote. That was an important first step to fixing the problem. Now please do take the next step. Talk to your doctor. Don’t give up until you have answers. With the right treatment, I’m reasonably certain that you can reclaim your physical self.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie
I am very confused about what to do about the relationship I am in. I am with a very good man who I love very much and who returns my love.
There are a few problems that I am beginning to wonder if it is worth continuing the relationship over.The man is in his 30’s and was a virgin until I met him. He has diabetes and has had trouble getting an erection from the time I met him. We didn’t have sex until a year into the relationship after I forced him to get help. Now he uses pills and still has trouble getting hard. To top it all off, I have a very high sex drive and it is starting to really bother me, because he promised that over time, once he was able to do it, we would have sex everyday. I am getting very depressed about the sex and am starting to not want it with him anymore. Before this, I did EVERYTHING to try and get the sex to work. Now I feel hopeless.
We have talked about it, and he says that he wants it very much, but I need to understand that he is very afraid of sex and doesn’t know anything about it because he was a virgin until now. He says he will try but it will take time. In the meantime, we are still not having sex, maybe once a week if he can get it up with the pills, and it ends up being a lot of work and it doesn’t last very long. The worst part about it is that he won’t get help but wants to figure it out himself, and nothing is changing.
The other issue is that we have a huge gap in our educations and careers. We talked about this, and he promised me that he would work towards a career. He said he wanted to do this, and was interested in joining the police, but since we talked about it, has done nothing about it. There is a deadline to join which is 2 weeks away where he needs to submit a resume. He still has not done anything after promising me multiple times over the last few months. I have offered my help to make the resume, have reminded him nicely and nothing is moving him to do it. He won’t talk to me about it and just says it is his career and that he will do something, but on his time.
To make it even more complicated and stressful, we are supposed to get married in 8 months. He proposed before we ever had sex and when he told me the sex problem would be solved before the wedding happened. I also made it clear that he would need to start working towards a career before we set a date as well. The month is getting closer, he keeps trying to set a date, and I do not want to set a date. I am starting to feel very pressured.
The conflict is that I want to be with him very much. I love him so much, and he treats me really well and I believe he wants to be with me. He is a good man. The problem is, the above mentioned things are completely upsetting me. I cannot wait forever but I want to be with him. I feel as though I am doing everything to get things going for him, for us. It is killing me and the situation is causing me now to be very very depressed to the point I am starting to feel hopeless and that I should give up and leave him even though I want to be with him.
What do I do? I don’t feel I can talk to anyone because it is such an embarrassing situation.
Please help…I am desperate for suggestions and this is the only venue I feel comfortable bringing up the issues.
As you stated in your letter you and your partner are dealing with several challenging issues. The first issue is related to your sex life. Your partner feels inadequate about his sexual inexperience and abilities. It’s difficult for him to maintain an erection. It’s understandably an embarrassing topic for him to discuss. In addition, the two of you are on different sexual “wave lengths.” You have a higher sex drive than he does.
The second issue is related to his career. You said that you informed him in the beginning of the relationship that he needed to choose a career. He expressed interest in becoming a police officer. Now the deadline is fast approaching and he’s in no hurry to submit his resume. It seems that he’s either procrastinating or he has no interest in becoming a police officer.
With regard to the sexual aspect of the relationship the two of you may be incompatible. He was a virgin when you met him. He was shy and felt inadequate from the start of the relationship. He may also have a low sex drive, at least lower than yours.
Even if you and he are sexually incompatible it’s not a reason to break up. Sex is only a small part of the relationship. Many couples are sexually incompatible to varying degrees. It’s not uncommon for one person in the relationship to have a lower or higher sex drive than the other. The solution to this problem is not to end the relationship but to find a way to please both people. Sex therapy in this instance would be highly recommended.
The “red flag” with regard to the sex issue is not the fact that your partner has been unsuccessful in his attempts to correct the problem. It’s that he refuses to seek help for the problem even though nothing he has tried worked. It’s unhealthy for an individual to know there’s a problem and have no real interest in correcting it. It might be that he is simply embarrassed and that’s the reason he will not seek help. Try to distinguish what’s at the heart of the issue, embarrassment and fear or stubbornness.
I would also caution you against being so focused on sex. Your focus on sex might be making it more difficult for him to be open to a solution. Being embarrassed about this issue is something that might be a factor for you as well; you did refer to it in your letter. Sexual incompatibility is not something to be embarrassed about. As you can see if left unresolved this issue has the potential to hurt the relationship. This is another reason why you and he should consider sex therapy. One or two sessions with a sex therapist may be all that is needed to resolve this problem.
With regard to your partner not having a career it would be helpful if had more details about that aspect of your question. Did he have a job when you met? Was he between jobs? Had he ever worked? If not, how did he pay the bills? Did he attend college? Does he have a degree? I am curious to know exactly what his status was in the beginning of the relationship. Without more details, it’s difficult to give you an informed answer. It may be that he hasn’t found a career he likes or he has no real plans for a future career. If it’s the latter then you’ll need to decide whether he’s someone you want to continue a relationship with.
In summary, whether you or not you stay with your partner is a personal decision. Sex therapy and couples counseling might be effective solutions to these problems. Many couples are not perfect sexual matches. If both parties are open and reasonable the problem can be easily resolved.
Generally, if your partner is stubborn and unwilling to work on correcting his behavior and refuses to seek help then it may be a sign of an unhealthy person. This would be important information to know before you decide to get married. If he’s shy but is open to help and change then I would suggest that you be respectful, patient and open to compromise.
Lastly, I would also recommend that if you have not already done so inform him that you’re considering terminating the relationship because of these unresolved issues. Alerting him to this information might be enough to get him into counseling or at least to try another approach to solving these issues. This should not be done in a confrontational manner. You want to convey the message that problem solving is a united and combined effort. Thanks for writing. Please take care.