Tag:

Religious Family

Boyfriend’s Parents and Their Cultural Disapproval

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 16th, 2024

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend immigrated here when he was 5. His family is very involved in their native culture/church and he is not. Due to them previously needing financial help and therefore him being in debt, he is unable to move out for another 1-2 years. They strongly prefer he be with someone from their culture and would constantly pressure him about it. Throughout our relationship they would tell him he should leave and try to set him up with other people (sometimes while I was standing there in their native language).

The way that his family interacts is that they’ll pick at him, yell and not let him get away or go into a different room until they have said what they wanted. He has a hole in his wall from them slamming it and they talk to him in an extremely degrading way when he disagrees with them. Considering he is usually gone from 6am-10/11pm this makes his home life extremely stressful because he can’t relax.

We have broken up twice because of this. After the first time we dated secretly for about a month and then told his family again. Throughout this we have been talking about a future. About 2 months ago he had a promise ring picked out and was talking about engagement. Then about a month ago he called off the relationship again due to family pressures. Presently we are back to being together without telling them. Is this the best course of action? I worry that if we tell them again, the exact same thing will happen in another couple of months. We’re currently working on how to handle stress but that just adds so much to his life.

Just looking at him and I our relationship is good. We are supportive, push each other to be better, and communicate well. We also legitimately get along and although we disagree sometimes we don’t really fight or resort to harsh words or raised voices. Based off conversations with him the family disapproval is his only concern with the relationship but it’s a major one.

Also, I’m 22 and he’s 23, we have been together for about a year. Even now he talks about wanting to move in together as soon as he is able to move out. I just don’t know what the best way to stay together and ideally eventually gain their acceptance would be.

I admire your persistence and grit for each other in this relationship. But not much will move you forward as a couple until he moves out. At your ages it is time to carve out the kind of life you are looking to live independent of his family. They sound abusive, demeaning, and unsupportive. The question for you is whether or not this relationship works for you. If you move in together it is likely they family will not accept you as you move forward.

The work for your boyfriend is to make the break independently from his relationship to you. He would need to leave because of issues with the family — not only because he loves you. This is difficult but likely to be a needed step. If he leaves only for you they will blame the relationship (and you). If he leaves because they are not honoring him it will be understood differently. It is an act of independence rather than because of his feelings for you.

I highly recommend you find counseling through your university for yourself as you work things through with him. If it is possible for the two of you to see a counselor together this will be important. It will help clarify what needs to be done as a couple, and what needs to be done independently.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 16, 2024 0 comment

Problems with Best Friend

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 8th, 2022

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ll give you the short version of what’s happening; My best friend and I got into a game around the same time, just before I moved cross-country. We only ever talk on the phone, and this past year, she’s been telling me some alarming things. She thinks two characters from the game we like are her….. let’s just call them “imaginary friends” and talks to them out loud when I’m on the phone with her. She’ll do this for minutes on end. Her falsely religious mom is abusive, and has been rude to me whenever I visited in the past. Her mom is probably unstable herself, actually ENGAGING with these “imaginary friends” according to my best friend, saying “if she fights with them, she doesn’t care about them” and stuff like that. My friend is only a year older than ME. Also would like to mention my friend thinks everything has a “spiritual” or “supernatural” cause, (such as “demons cause her problems”, or “if she prays hard enough, angels come down to help her”, etc.) She also believes herself to be a psychic, and her mom enables this behavior by using holy water on my friend, and whatever woo stuff she brainwashes my friend with. Her mom hates me because after she talks to me for a while, she has to start the process of brainwashing my friend all over again. Sometimes, I feel like I’m her only beacon into reality. I’ve exhausted all I can do; I’ve offered her resources she can use to help herself, and she finds excuses not to use them, I’ve listened to her nonsense, and called her mom’s bluff millions of times. Can you guys give me a professional opinion on what may or may not be going on here, and give me suggestions on what I need to do at this point? Because observing this is beginning to affect my own shoddy mental health. Thanks!

Your friend seems to be believing in things that are not real. These ideas seem to be facilitated by her mother. Her mother thinks one way about the world and she is sharing it with her daughter. She may be being indoctrinated by her mother.

The possibility also exists that your friend has a mental illness. It’s difficult to know what illness but possibly a psychotic disorder. I could never know what disorder she may or may not have from a distance. She would need to be evaluated by a therapist, in person, to know what disorder she may have, if any at all.

You are doing all you can but as you can see your power is limited. You should continue to express your concern for your friend and encourage her to seek help. After you’ve done that, realize that you’ve done all you can. She is free to believe in anything she wants. The hope obviously is that she would believe in things that are real, and not in things that are not real.

You mentioned that this is beginning to affect your own mental health. In that case, you may have to put limits on the amount of time you spend interacting with your friend. As I mentioned above, you should do what you can but realize that you can only do so much. You can’t make people do things they are not willing to do. You suggested that she seek help and she ignored you. You cannot force her to seek help if she does not want it.

It’s difficult to watch someone you love engage in behavior that is detrimental to their well-being. In some ways, it’s the most difficult position to be in, watching what amounts to a slow-motion train wreck. Unfortunately, that is sometimes the reality of life. People have to want to seek help and have to be willing to get it. For those who are unwilling to get it, there’s virtually nothing you can do. The only time you can force someone to seek help is when they are a danger to themselves or to others. Even in those cases, the danger has to be imminent in order to receive immediate help. It does not seem as though your friend is in imminent danger nor a danger to herself or to others. Theoretically, believing in ideas not based in reality are dangerous for one’s psychological health, however, it is not enough to qualify for inpatient hospitalization.

Do your best and hope for the best. Encourage her to seek help. Realize that your power is limited in this situation. Keep your distance so that you can protect your own mental health. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

October 8, 2022 0 comment

I Go into Utter Panic When I Go to My Part-Time Job

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW July 14th, 2021

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello, I need help that my family won’t provide or allow. My family are very conservative and don’t approve of the medical world and are heavily reliant on religion to cure mental issues. I have tried and it simply does not work — I have faith in god but it is becoming unbearable and people think I’m so weird. I am suffering from serious panic attacks — trouble breathing, heart race, sweating, disorientation. I find facts help me find reality so I need to assure myself of these when I go into an episode: Why is my pt-job impacting on me as a teenager? Do I need to be worried it will cause something more serious in the future? BC I have aspirations that require a level head. Are all teens suffering from neg impacts of work? Or do some suffer from pos? Why? Will it get better on its own or do I need strategies??? I am a very factual person and find these are the only things that help. I attend my pt-job 2x p/w and it is within retail. Thanks so much — I’m desperate.

If I understand correctly, you are having panic attacks related to your part-time job. You are also worried that these attacks will impact your future.

It is often recommended that, because of the potential medical concerns associated with panic attacks, you should consult a physician to rule out physical health problems. You mentioned that your parents are reliant upon religion to cure mental illnesses but are you able to see a physician? If so, you should.

If you are able to see a physician, then perhaps he or she could prescribe a medication to help reduce your symptoms. Your parents may consider it a medical treatment rather than a mental health treatment.

Regarding your panic attacks, you described the highly useful strategy of focusing on facts. Ideally, your anxiety should be treated by a mental health professional but because of your circumstances, you should continue to focus on facts.

At its basic level, anxiety stems from not believing in reality. Always focus on the facts of any given situation. If you can force yourself to recognize the truth, your anxiety level should remain low. Your level of anxiety and fear should match the danger of a situation. The good news is that you’ve already begun training yourself to focus on reality.

When you begin to feel anxiety about going to work, force yourself to focus on the facts and your anxiety level should decrease. Try to sit through the anxiety rather than trying to escape it. Your anxiety may temporary increase but it will eventually dissipate.

There are also books you can read about reducing anxiety levels. Check your local library or book read reviews on Amazon. I’d recommend any of the books about anxiety, by Dr. David Burns.

Soon you will be 18 which means that you legally will be an adult. You will then be free to make your own decisions about mental health treatment. Perhaps then you will be free to consult a mental health professional who can assist you in treating your anxiety. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

July 14, 2021 0 comment

Mother Still Tells Me What to Do

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 16th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

”You will take your father’s place, as the bread earner of the family”. This was told to me by my mother when I was in sixth grade. Repetition of this statement confirmed my aim for the future, to become a mechanical engineer, just like my father. NED University was my target. I let my mom take control of my life and did everything accordingly.

The gradual change began in ninth grade. My isolation had just started and went on for 4 years. Books were my friends now; with no one to talk to, I now have no speaking and social skills. My hard work got paid alright, got very good grades. But my parents, in a sense of greediness for perfection, they wanted me to be a perfect model child, crystal clear and scratch less. Unfortunately, I’m none of that. But I still kept my aim and strived towards it. With each of my result being announced, I noticed my parents did not have much enthusiasm and happiness that I had hoped for. In my 2nd year papers, my only thoughts were, If I get up and leave, no one will care. But I had my aim to live for.
My prayers and hard work got me into NED University. One day, my inside shouted at me, “Is this you really wanted? All you did was follow orders, now what?” I looked around the class of 43 guys 2 girls, coming from a religious family; my parents were disappointed in me, for choosing petroleum as my field instead of CIS, the one for girls. Eventually, my life got miserable. Taunts from my mother were a part of my progressing depression. Life looked meaningless. I couldn’t find my future anymore.

Then one day, my mother urges me to take IBAs test, since IBA graduates get jobs easily and get married soon. The irony of my life, I passed my test even though I didn’t prepare or study for it. Now, my life has become a joke, only understood by me. These changes left me quite insensitive and ungrateful. And IBA made my isolation, complete. Paying an enormous fees is a burden to them (my parents), but not paying my brothers expensive tuition fees. Life is now all about living in fantasy, as reality can shatter you. Not a day goes by when I feel that I’d wake up from this nightmare. Suicide was also in my mind, yet here I am writing about it.

Life is not a bed of roses, true. But when it’s all thorns and bushes, it makes you a person you never want to be. An introvert, insensitive, ungrateful and depressed person now sits in this world writing about it. Sometimes, inner peace is greater than basic needs.
Remarks by my teacher: I felt sad reading your essay. But believe me you’ll do very well in life. Just have faith in God and courage to live according to your convictions. I’m sure one day I’ll be talking to the CEO of a huge company!!
After reading this remark, I felt disgusted. I felt pitied, why?

Why? Because you are in such a negative spin that you can’t even hear a positive remark without turning it into something bad. You’ve been listening to orders, negativity, and criticism so long you have lost your perspective. However – writing to us is a positive step, even if you don’t think so. It’s a start. Grab onto that beginning, even if with only the barest of a grasp. It is something to build on.

Your biggest challenge right now is to decide what is good for you – regardless of whether your parents like it. As an adult, only you are responsible for your choices. Your parents can have their opinions. Some of those opinions may even be very good ones. But your job is to take enough distance from the emotional power of what they say so that you can independently evaluate the message. It’s not a matter of whether you “win” or “lose” in an old argument with your family. It’s about deciding what you, personally, want to do. You might even like IBA. (I don’t know what that is so please don’t take this as an opinion one way or another. It’s not.) The point is this: It’s your life. You can drop the argument with your parents and make your own choices about your profession.

The same is true for whether you stay an “introvert, insensitive, ungrateful and depressed person.” You can decide to give yourself a different approach to life. Yes, it will take some work. Yes, your parents may even take credit for it. But that shouldn’t matter. What matters is what kind of person you want to be and what you want to do with the life you’ve been given.

You may find it helpful to talk with a counselor to help you make new choices. It’s time to stop blaming your parents and to be an active architect of your life. A counselor can help you stay on track and give you the support you need while you build a different identity and a more healthy approach to life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 16, 2021 0 comment