Tag:

Resilience

My Terminally Ill Boyfriend Can’t Handle My ADHD Son

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 14th, 2024

From the U.S.: I am a single mother with a 9 year old son with ADHD. I have been raising him on my own with little to no help from his father since he was born. 2 years ago I met my boyfriend who has terminal cancer. My boyfriend and I have a great relationship except we can’t see eye to eye on the way I raise my son. His father is no help as he has actively defied all of my requests to help discipline my child and teach him responsibility.

My boyfriend has enough stress with his illness and can’t handle any extra stress. It has gotten to the point where my son is in danger of failing school for the 2nd year in a row, and my boyfriend is ready to leave. I don’t know what to do anymore. My son’s father has refused to participate in any counseling for my son, in correcting him when he gets in trouble at school even refuses to allow my son to attend a program that he desperately wants to do that will help him manage his ADHD because it is Christian based. I just don’t know what to do anymore.

My boyfriend has made many attempts over the last 2 years to bond with my son and be a positive role model in his life but my son continues to get in trouble at school and lie when he is home. I am dealing with a boyfriend who is stressed and depressed due to his medical condition, a son who struggles with ADHD everyday and an ex who refuses to co-parent. I am stuck in the middle and looking for some sort of guidance on what road to take. I don’t want to lose the man I love and I can not give up on my son. Please help.

What a difficult and stressful situation. Trying to juggle all these competing issues must be a terrible strain. Let’s see if I can help a little:

First things first. I always start with the person who is the most vulnerable. In this case it is your son. You are correct that it is important to deal with his issues now, before the teen years. ADHD is not a tragedy. It can be managed. Kids with ADHD do grow up to be successful in life. But they usually do need help learning how to manage their own thoughts and behaviors.

It seems to me that there has to be some recourse for you for getting treatment for your son. Talk to the special education department in your school system to see what other parents have done when divorced parents don’t agree. Consult with a parent advocate for parents of kids with special needs about your rights. (Your school system should be able to provide a list of qualified advocates.) If the problem for the father is that the program you’ve investigated is Christian-based, do consider alternatives. There may be equally good programs in your area. Ask the school counselor for advice. Further, I hope your son is benefiting from an IEP (Individualized Education Plan) through the special education program at his school. If not, do get that process going right away.

Meanwhile, reassure your son that you know it is hard to have ADHD, but that you also know that he is a smart kid who can start to figure out how to handle it. There are some excellent books for kids that speak to the issue. Explore the book sellers’ websites for ideas. Perhaps the two of you can read them together.

At 9, your son is old enough to understand the facts about your boyfriend’s illness — and to know how hard the situation is for you. Remind him that part of growing up is to take other people’s feelings into account as much as he can.

You can’t make your son’s father cooperate. What you can do is help your son understand that there are often different rules in different situations. The rules in the classroom, for example, are different from the rules on the playground. There may be rules at your house that are different from his father’s rules. That’s okay. Another part of growing up is figuring out what to do in each environment. Talk it over with your son. I bet he already knows what to do where. Emphasize that you have faith in him that he can do it.

As for the stress on your boyfriend: Please consider relieving him of all responsibility for being an active co-parent. It’s enough that he care about the boy and respond positively whenever he can when there are natural interactions. That’s all. It will reduce his stress if you take on dealing with the school, the child’s responsibilities at home, and discipline.

Get out of the middle by refusing to be there. Don’t ask your boyfriend to parent. Make it clear to your son that you are his responsible and loving parent and you expect him to go by your rules while at home and at school. Instead of fighting with you ex, call in some help from the school and, if necessary, a lawyer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 14, 2024 0 comment

How Do I Deal with Rejection?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 4th, 2023

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: When I was little, my sister, who was my best friend, would do things like start a club with her imaginary friend and exclude me from it. When we were older, at our church, there were plenty of people her age to hang out with. Since I had hung out with her my whole life, I was used to this age of person and I wanted to be friends with them, too. My sister had outgrown me, so she wanted to have these friends to herself. A new convert came into our church that was my age, but she was allowed to hang out with these older friends because they wanted her to have friends since she was new. Again I was excluded. Today, I feel these same feelings as I deal with people in life. As soon as I feel a little bit rejected (which I probably magnify) I exclude myself and then feel jealous and bitter toward them. How do I get over these childhood events so that it will not affect my relationships with people around me? Thank you!

I’m so sorry you have been carrying these feelings for such a long time. I’m sorry no one helped you back when you were small. It’s likely that your sister wasn’t rejecting you so much as trying to claim herself. I gather that she is more than a couple of years older than you. That means she was at a different developmental stage and working on separating from her younger self — a self that was represented by you. The new kid was let into the group because she was exotic to them. She didn’t remind those older girls that they had just emerged from being a younger kid.

I’m glad you understand that you probably magnify the “rejections” you experience. Chances are, you are super-sensitive to the possibility. The answer to your discomfort lies within yourself, not in getting people not to “reject” you. If your self-esteem were more secure, you wouldn’t be so concerned with what other people think.

There are a couple of different things you can do to help cope with the feelings of rejection. Remember, rejection is a normal part of having friendships and relationships with others. Any time we open our lives up to others, we’re also opening them up to the possibility of being hurt by them.

Acknowledge and accept the rejection: It’s important to understand that rejection is a natural part of life and it’s okay to feel hurt. But, accepting the rejection and moving forward is crucial to heal and maintain a positive outlook.
Communication: Try to have an open and honest conversation with the friend about why the rejection happened. This can help clear up misunderstandings and possibly even improve the relationship.
Seek support from others: Surround yourself with supportive people who care about you. Talking to a trusted friend, family member or a therapist can help you process and deal with the rejection.
Engage in self-care: Taking care of yourself, both physically and emotionally, is crucial during this time. Focus on your personal growth and hobbies, and try to avoid dwelling on the rejection.

You can’t make other people change but you can work on you. I suggest you stop focusing on what happened when you were little. Nothing can change that. Instead — work on the present. Find things to do that make you feel good about yourself. Get involved with community service projects that make a difference. Find activities where other people who share your values hang out and do positive things. Knowing you are a good person who does good things will help you believe in your own self-worth. Once that is secure, I think you’ll be much less likely to get into that jealous and angry place.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

January 13, 2023 0 comment

Grit and Low Self-Esteem

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 24th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I was wondering if it were possible for people to have a strength called ‘grit’ while also having low self-esteem, and if that is considered rare, or what researchers would identify as an outlier in some studies. If it isn’t rare, then how is this possible?

I grew up with a battery of childhood traumatic experiences, and one of the resulting symptoms include low self-esteem. However, despite my lifelong internalizing adversities related to the traumas I had experienced, I’ve been able to somehow remain positive (at least intellectually, but not always emotionally), goal-oriented, empathetic toward others, a high achiever, etc. Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem have always been there, and it is a daunting, nearly everyday battle. I’ve had a lot of therapy to help me cope over the years, but even before treatment decades ago, I was always gritty. I won awards in college and was told by a few of my professors that I had this thing called ‘grit,’ or was very resilient or strong. I’ve been told by some friends (usually the ones who were safe and not ‘toxic’) that I have a positive and helpful way about me, and that my transparency for being honest and real is very influential.

Still, for as long as I can remember from childhood, I have been able to hold onto my dreams and believe deep inside that I have worth, despite my low self-esteem inside that says that I’m worthless, feelings of inferiority at times, feelings of shame at others, and a deep depression that is still grieving over all the pain from childhood abuse and mirroring/internalizing the abuses that happened to me.

I really believe that my grade school teachers helped me remain somewhat sane, despite my poor grades when I was a child and teen, and despite my having to move and change schools numerous times. I’ve experienced deep depression, and my internal grittiness has not always been externally shown, though cognitively I just knew all along that things would get better, even though inside and outside, for a while in my 20s and 30s, I was deeply depressed while experiencing a lot of flashbacks. I sought help for my depression, but I didn’t think to ever mention the grit that lied underneath, until now. I was wondering if there were others out there like me.

It is absolutely possible to hold onto grit and still have low self esteem. Grit is a measure of someone’s perseverance. Self-esteem is a reflection of how much you like yourself.

You know that you have every reason to like yourself. You’ve demonstrated over and over again that you succeed where others in a similar position might give up. You also are a good friend to your friends. Sadly, you haven’t yet found a way to be a good friend to yourself in spite of years of therapy. Do give yourself credit for being gritty in therapy as well as in your daily life.

I think you are correct to thank your grade school teachers. Abused kids who survive and thrive often find adults who offer them an alternative view of themselves from what they are experiencing at home. I hope you will hold onto the fact that those teachers saw something in you beyond grit. They liked you!

I can’t answer your question about how many people out there are like you. However, you’ve come to the right place. LifeHelper has many online support groups. People in our community regularly connect with each other and share their stories and their support for one another. Click on the “Find Help” tab. Then go to “Forums.” I’m sure you’ll find a welcoming group who can provide you with good information and help.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 24, 2022 0 comment

Should I Push My Daughter to Excel or Back Off?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 4th, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I have a daughter who does competitive Irish dance. From 8-12 she competed regularly and won consistently (13 now). When she hit the highest level within the sport, she started to not do as well. This sapped her confidence and in turn, her desire to compete. She has a natural talent that has gotten her to the place where she is. Now, she has to put in the work to compete against the girls at her level. If she did put in the work, she would dominate. But she doesn’t want to do that and I’m not sure if it’s because she’s lazy or is afraid of putting in the work and still losing. In reality, she still does well, but just not placing within the top 3 like she used to.

So my question is, when is it right to push her and when is it better to back off? Backing off is what I have been doing and I feel it’s making her more lazy because she doesn’t have a goal. She is not interested in any other activities. I’ve asked her about all sorts of different team and individual sports.

My gut says I should push her, but I know it will become a daily fight and I don’t want that for either of us. But I do think pushing her would get her to winning and that might change things for her. If you think she would benefit from talking with someone, how do I approach her about that? And what type of dr would be best?

This is such a good question. Many parents find themselves in the same delemma. To push or not to push. The first priority is to preserve your relationship with her. She is a young teen with the challenging teen years ahead. It’s more important that she feel she can talk to you than win another ribbon. But I don’t think it has to be an either/or.

I don’t think the issue is laziness. A lazy kid would not get this far. It may have more to do with thinking that if she isn’t sure she’ll be the best, she doesn’t want to try. Her self-esteem may be so tied up with winning that she can’t risk losing. By pulling back, she can always tell herself that she would have won if she had put in the effort. It’s a “face-saving” tactic.

It’s normal for kids to want to try out a number of activities before finding the one that grabs their heart and attention. Many a kid has started an instrument or dance or sport with great enthusiasm, only to drop it later for something else. What concerns me about your daughter, though, is that she isn’t pulling back at dance in favor of something else. That also suggests to me that self-esteem issues may be at work here.

You didn’t mention what your daughter’s coach or teacher thinks. Is her teacher frustrated, too? Do you think the teacher has the kids’ best interests at heart — not just winning? If so, perhaps a talk with the teacher will be helpful. Often a teacher or coach can inspire a kid when the parent can’t. If the teacher is too invested in “winning”, don’t go that route. You may be able to address the self-esteem issues on your own or it may be that you can think of another relative or older friend who can talk to your daughter about it.

If those aren’t options, then I suggest seeing a family therapist with your daughter. This is not because I think you aren’t being a good mother. Quite the contrary. I think it’s better for a therapist to help you and your daughter solve to problem together as a way to lay the foundation for other difficult talks as she moves through the teen years. I don’t think it is helpful for a counselor to become a more important sounding board than her mother.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

September 4, 2022 0 comment

Trouble Coping with a Change in Perception

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 31st, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Before getting to the issue, please allow me to give you a brief description about myself :
My parents always told me that when i was young i was a “leader” that i’m the one that led the group of friends when we were playing or doing sports or any kind of activity.
I remember being a very happy child.
Also note that i had the tendency to steel things beginning at a very young age and kept doing so till i was 26.

Then as i grew a little older (maybe 13 14 15 or less ) i started to feel that my father caused us shame when we were out having dinner or in other situations because he asked about the price and stuff like that. And i Started hating him . I had a very rough childhood with my dad (I hated him and disgraced him because he was not like i imagined him to be, because he wasn’t able to provide us what my friend had).

My mom is a wonderful women but she use to hit me and my brothers when we were young because we had trouble learning (i don’t know if this is normal). One time my brothers and i had a fight and she went crazy she threw the whole closet on the floor and broke many stuff and told us to clean it. (I think she reacted this way because she was going through a divorce)

Around the age of 17 – 18 i started to feel inferior to people and felt like i had no personality , could not defend myself or my principles. I starting living for others , to please others and be like others , started believing they were better then me . I grew a huge jealousy toward my best friend because he was the one to start talking and have the attention . It wasn’t me anymore .
For example : If we were out(Me and my best friend) for dinner with 2 girls , he would tell stories i did that are funny and make me look good but some of them which i wasn’t very happy about ( And i always though he was saying the last part to make me look bad ) and i never had the courage to ask him not to bring up the subject anymore in front of someone because i was afraid of HOW he will THINK of me if i did .

So This is when i started to have social phobia and anxiety . My doctor prescribed me anti psychotics and anti depressants.at the end we settled on Risperdal (remember taking 4-3 mg) and cipralex(15mg) . We tried many different medication .He said i had OCD .

I started using drugs (ecstacy once or twice didn’t make me feel good, Cocaine which i got addicted to and Codeine also which i got addicted too)
During that time and when i started to feel inferior to people I lost all my friends and became lonely so the only thing i had was drugs .
Just Cocaine and Codeine ( In very large amount ) , went to the best rehab centers found it very difficult so i left after a week or 2 ( That happened twice.) At the end i asked my doctor if we could try Buprenorphine and it worked magic
Now i have been sober for 5 month , no urge to do drugs , i stopped taking the anti psychotics and antidepressant . Going to the gym , running , studying everything improved in my life not even drinking. I Believe and trust my gut this time that i won’t ever do drugs in my life again . I was on 4mg buprenorphine now on 2 (Started 2 days ago ).

What i had noticed was that the anti-psychotics that my doctor prescribed me had blocked my feelings and changed the way i feel , or react to stuff . I felt something was wrong , that i wasn’t the same person anymore and started using drugs because i wasn’t happy or to feel comfort .
When i started using buprenorphine i still had the tendency to take drugs , it’s when i stopped the antipsychotics that i felt alive again , i could feel things i didn’t feel before (because of the medications )like nature and time in day ( When you know it’s lunch and feel likes lunch time ) , or the feeling when you walk in home after a long day . I hope this makes sense .
And that’s when i completely stopped using drugs and didn’t have the urge to use them because i was happy with these feelings . SO yeah i blame it on the antipsychotics . I think he should have given them until my symptoms got better not a life time ( 9 years ) .

I’m sorry this is so long but I’ve been looking for an answer and no one seems to have Went to doctors and still going to doctors (Psychologist).
Now that my feelings are coming back , i am having problems accepting them.
1st : My mind is ALWAYS thinking until i my head hurts (About situation i had during the day, did i act right? did this happen or this happen? did he think that or that? did i look bad or not? and i try to scrutinize the situation i was in and come of with a 1000 different stories )

2sd : When i think. it’s like i’m looking at my thoughts from the outside rather then I’M thinking them .
Sometimes i think that that person thinks i look weird , and i really feel it , so i either lower my head or act like i’m shy and people notice that .

3rd : Let’s say i went to a sport training (Boxing for example) and i see there someone better then me ; what i think is or i think i feel is “HE is going to notice that i’m thinking that he is better then me ” .
I feel like i don’t want him to be better then me but actually i don’t care at all if he is or not .
So when i decide i want to learn from him and enjoy my time with these guys it feels weird again because now i feel this :
this guy wants to enjoy his time with us who does he thinks he is. (and deep inside i know people are not bad)

In my life i always accused people for doing things they didn’t do , for example if 2 of my friends ( when i had some lol) went out together without telling me , i directly assume that they don’t want me to be with them . So i call them and say why didn’t you call me , I always call you both when i go out with either one of you . and i get upset

I always wanted what was best for others but i always get dumped in the end . for example i introduced a friend to friends of mine because i liked my friends very much and wanted every one to meet them and have a time like i’m having, after a while he started going out with them without even calling me or telling me. Now he is friends with them and i’m not anymore .

Finally, what is happening is that now that my feeling are back, it feels strange. when i look at the mirror it feels different and i see myself in a different way, a good way. This urge of living again, doing activities with other people i have it back, but when i’m with people doing these activities it feels like before, when i had no problem at all, and that feeling scares me a lot (is it going to last? are they going to like me?)

The feeling of having my (i don’t know what you call it cognitive or perception) back an seeing things in a different ways is scaring me. (From Lebanon)

Thank you for you detailed history and question. I admire the fact that you have been so resilient and continue to show such perseverance in finding answers. It seem these qualities have followed you in your journey and have served you well.

From your history — along with the style and content of your questions — it sounds like you may want to find a therapist specializing in Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT). If your current therapist is trained in that, I would have a discussion about applying these tools to help with your thought process. If your therapist is not trained in these techniques, I would encourage you to stay with your therapist but to supplement the therapy by having a few sessions with a CBT therapist. There is also a terrific book, The Resilience Factor, that you will want to read.

March 31, 2022 0 comment

Feelings Dependent on Responses to Messages

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 14th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve been having problems lately controlling my patience and emotions over whether or not someone replies to my text messages/emails. All started a few months ago I was catching up with a friend over text. As she had recent success with relationships, while I have been struggling with interpersonal relationships in recent times, I reached out to ask her opinion over what positive qualities she saw in me, as I’ve done with my close friends and family to combat my self-esteem problems, because she has been one of the better friends I’ve met in recent times. No response. Another instance of this happening was when I wished a friend I used to have a crush on happy birthday, I thought it would be a chance to ask her how things were going, as we had not talked in awhile. Again, no response. Sometimes when I post to an online forum but don’t get replies, I feel like I am a big annoyance and bother. After some of these occurrences I have had more frequent intrusive thought attacks, with my anxiety screaming things like: “You’re insane!” “You are an intrusive burden for asking people these questions!” “You’re handling this all wrong!” “You should have known better than to continue those conversations!” As with talking to friends of the opposite gender: “You are a dangerous disgusting disgrace, and you have no business with women!”

I’ve realized this swirl of emotions over text messages has become a problem because I’ve become more self-conscious and over-analyzing of how I handle my relationships or interact with others. The very fact if someone replies to me or not can really make me irritable, often for several days at a time. When someone actually does reply to my texts, and just happens to be slow doing so, I get angry with myself for letting my impatience distract myself. This happened when I was remotely working with a friend on a project that needed urgent attention and made him stressed because I kept texting him, as I assigned him a role to work with me on this up-and-coming project, and he responded after 20 minutes of waiting for him to get to a Wi-Fi hotspot.

Am I crazy like I think I am? How can I be more patient with waiting for text messages/emails and regain control of my emotions?

The work is in challenging your thoughts. As you are a university student I would recommend using the counseling services on campus. The style of therapy that can help you challenge your thoughts is Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy. CBT approaches the self-talk you are using. That is where you can make the biggest improvement in your responses.

Until you get a session with the therapists at the center you may want to try this book, The Resilience Factor, as it describes many of the elements you can use to help you manage these self-defeating thoughts.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

September 14, 2021 0 comment

Jealous of Brother and His Wife

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 1st, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My brother and his wife dated, traveled the world, and lived together for 8 years before marriage while doing their studies, all unknown to my parents. At the same time they got married, I got into my first relationship, which remains to this day, a long distance one, with us occasionally meeting once in a few months under parental supervision. It has been the most difficult 3 years, I cannot even begin to explain the frustration in words. We don’t have the luxury of sneaking off on trips because neither of us has the financial ability to or emotional support from our parents to do so.

In the few times that we have had a chance to meet discreetly, we tried, but were unable to have intercourse. Probably because we were so desperate, not knowing when we would meet again, and given the short period of time, we wanted to seal the deal. My sense of self-worth and my emotional state took a massive beating. I visited a OB/GYN to get checked and ensure something wasn’t wrong with me.

I have since degenerated very quickly. For months now I have been deeply jealous of my brother and sister-in-law. I am resentful that they had the chance to live together and travel the world before marriage, and that I never will. I once heard them have sex, and went into a panic attack. I am resentful I cannot have this or any human pleasure in my life for a long time.

On top of that, my brother’s relationship with me has drastically changed. He shares everything with his wife which I’m not comfortable about. So I am increasingly afraid, and even mistrustful of him. I feel constantly judged by them. As a result, I avoid and keep my conversations with him and his wife to the bare minimum.

I want to regain control of my emotions. I value all these relationships that I have. But I am not able to look beyond my resentments and be positive that things will turn around, because 3 years, I have felt this way, and resentment is the only emotion I know. What can I do to help myself?

Everything available to your brother was and is available to you. You are pointing to his successful relationship as if it were a roadblock in yours. When we are jealous of something someone else has that is good — it points toward our own limitation — not their success.

You state your age as 26, so it is time to reclaim your individuation. Rather than focus on what you brother is or isn’t doing, it is time to turn the attention inward. Resentment is an insidious emotion. In fact, such organizations like Alcoholic Anonymous (AA) have specifically identified as the “number one” offender. Yet, researchers are just learning more about its mechanics. What we do know is that when there is resentment someone, in some situation, has seemingly taken away our freedom.

The key word here is seemingly. In their book, The Resilience Factor: 7 Keys to Finding Your Inner Strength and Overcoming Life’s Hurdles, Karen Reivich and Andrew Shatte, apply the best of todays work on how to manage our negative emotions by offering techniques to deal with them. One particularly important section is on thinking traps — common patterns of thoughts that prevent us from seeing a situation accurately.

I would first get a copy of this book, and then look for a therapist to help you sort thought this difficult feeling and help transform it. Check out the find help tab at the top of the page for a therapist near you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

September 1, 2021 0 comment

How to Be Happy When Your Life Sucks

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 11th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I understand the whole be happy your alive and the it could be worse stuff, but I am so sick of my life. I have always worked hard, but I am never respected in my field. I am broke all the time. I do not have a family and the friends I have I don’t like to hang out with them because I’m always so miserable compared to them. I just spent all my money and worked hard to make a career change that I thought would make me happy and give me more time to work on my painting career. I am now broke, can’t afford to live in my apartment (I am going to live out of my car starting next month). Nothing I do makes me happy anymore. Art used to always make me happy, but I am so upset I can’t afford to do it any more I feel sick thinking about it. I really don’t want to live without having a family. Nothing I do anymore matters. I do not qualify for any help programs because of my previous job, but all the money I made from that went into changing my career and I have nothing now. I got my new credentials to do the new job, but I’m completely broke. I really don’t want to live a life of being broke all the time. It is so stressful to worry and I am not a person that can handle it. The constant phone calls from collects, losing my apartment, scared to buy food every meal. I have been disappointed with my life for the past 19 years. Everything I try at, I lose or fail. I keep trying to continue on, but I don’t want this to be it. I’m getting too old to be know where and failing this badly. I so tried of feeling like trash everyday, I just want to know how to deal with living a life you don’t want and how to find happiness when there is nothing in your life to be happy about. (From the USA)

What comes through your email loud and clear is that you have one of the most important character traits a human being can own: grit. Almost every sentence identifies you as persistent and resilient. No form of success is a straight line. Here is a brief video on some famous failures that show how important it is to honor your capacity to try again and again: https://youtu.be/zLYECIjmnQs. As Muhammad Ali has said: “Inside of a ring or out, ain’t nothing wrong with going down. It’s staying down that’s wrong.”

I wouldn’t pretend to know exactly what you will need to do to feel better — but I know there is something inside of you that will keep pushing for it. Even your email to us is a sign that you may not know how, but you are willing to look for answers. From everything I’ve learned about happiness and success– that is the essential ingredient.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

August 11, 2021 0 comment

My Spouse Can’t Handle Change

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. January 23rd, 2021

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

My husband and I have been together 11 years. I started to write this letter because we can’t agree on moving into a new house. As I began writing I realized it is about much more than whether we move or not. My husband cannot handle change. No matter the situation, he gets completely overwhelmed, starts thinking about the worst possible outcome, and stresses himself out.

The current situation is that we started talking about moving 2.5 years ago. He was overwhelmed by that idea, said I was moving too fast, and couldn’t we compromise. He wanted a date way in the future, maybe we could meet in the middle. Life threw us a curve during that time frame where selling the house wasn’t an option, so I dropped it. After that situation passed we would discuss moving occasionally, but the timing wouldn’t be right, so I would drop it. Now we have started discussing it, the timing is right from a housing market standpoint. We found a house that we both love. He seemed finally to be in on it, so I start moving forward with getting our house ready to sell and he immediately became overwhelmed to the point that he makes himself ill. He says it is all going too fast, and can’t we wait another month. My point of view is that we have been discussing this for over 2 years, when you move, it can go fast, and the things that overwhelm him will still be there in a month, but the house may not.

In all fairness I do need to mention that his mother is terminally ill, and has been for sometime. I know that weighs on his mind. If he wasn’t always like this and it was just because of his mom, I would back off. But I know that with him it will never be a good time. It wasn’t a good time 2+ years ago, it isn’t a good time now, at some point his mom will pass and it won’t be a good time, then he’ll be getting ready to turn 50 and that will stress him out. He just keeps putting up new barriers. I don’t know how to help him. I know better than to think I can change him. I don’t know how to live in a state of paralysis because everything overwhelms him. (age 41, from US)

You are probably correct in thinking that your husband will always have a reason why “this isn’t a good time” if he has difficulty dealing with change. Some folks hate change and avoid it all costs and some folks hate the status quo and are always looking for excitement. It can be difficult to be married to either personality type, if they tend toward the extreme end.

It sounds like you have tried backing off and giving him time, but now that you are ready to move forward he is digging in his heals again. I’m sure that his mother’s illness is a huge stressor and could be wearing on him a great deal, however, focusing on getting your house ready to sell and looking forward to new surroundings could be a nice distraction, if he could reframe the whole situation.

I also agree that as a spouse, you can’t change him. You can try to understand and empathize. You can try to develop a strategy that takes into account his anxiety or resistance. But, you can’t change his personality or life-long patterns of thinking. What you can do is request that he seek help. He may benefit from medication to help with any possible anxiety or depression that could be an underlying issue, but most importantly, I would suggest that he seek counseling. In this case, both individual and couples therapy would be the best approach. Having a therapist or mediator in the room will help you approach an old conversation in a new way, hopefully aiding a mutually satisfying resolution.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

January 23, 2021 0 comment

Dealing with Depression: 7 habits of highly corrective people.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP November 3rd, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have had depression (off and on) for as long as I can remember but have recently started treatment for it (three years now). The treatment is really helping and I know I am making progress because of it. My depression has manifested itself as fatigue, low-motivation, low self-esteem and a disinterest in things outside the house. I may also be a perfectionist, but I haven’t really looked at that one yet. I have an undergraduate degree and graduated with honors. I just feel as thought my connection to all things work-related is simply missing. I know that this is due to my depression. And while I feel myself coming out of my depression, I also feel frustrated that my interest in things has not followed. I know I need to take baby steps in order to “get back into the world” but do you have any suggestions as to what this looks like? I have considered speaking with a career counselor but I am a bit nervous that it will leave me feeling totally overwhelmed and ready to retreat back into my shell again. (The last time I met with a career counselor I ended up crying uncontrollably in her office). I feel sad for the time I have wasted with this affliction, disgruntled about how depression has stripped me of my ability to “tackle” the work world and unsure of how to proceed in this new tentative period of healing. Thank You.

“If I had not been already been meditating, I would certainly have had to start. I’ve treated my own depression for many years with exercise and meditation, and I’ve found that to be a tremendous help. ” –Judy Collins

I am sorry your depression is so weighty, but admire the strength and resilience you are showing by combating it in therapy. Depression that has a centrifugal nature to it needs to be addressed at many levels. The fact that you are in individual therapy is excellent. Here are 7 other features you may want to consider:

When a depression is so pervasive we need an equally robust offense on the thought process. What I am recommending is a daily dose of strategies from positive psychology specifically designed to shift your thoughts and feelings toward a more positive framework. This isn’t a simplistic “think-happy-thoughts” approach, but rather a focused effort at cognitive restructuring of your thought process. Here is a link to a series of articles looking at the direct application of techniques from the sub-field of positive psychology.
Think of it as an ongoing process as we do with physical hygiene. You may have taken a terrific shower on Monday, but by Wednesday you will need another. It is the same with positive mental hygiene. We need to generate a critical mass of positive thoughts on a regular basis. One of these articles will highlight the fact that it takes three positive thoughts to overcome every negative one, thus the need for daily strategies.
I did not read that you are taking an antidepressant. I would definitely consider this if you haven’t as the research demonstrates quite clearly that the strongest combination is that of therapy and an antidepressant in the approach to coping with depression. With the new medicines being introduced there may be one that suits you.
If you do not want to take an antidepressant there are several homeopathic or herbal alternatives that may be helpful. For these you will want to consult a registered dietitian. Many of the better health food stores have either access to a RD or make available such information. There is some interesting research by the federal Department of Health and Human Services on a supplement known as SAM-E. But please be sure to consult someone knowledgeable in these matters. There may be contraindications if you are taking antidepressants already (or other kinds of medicine) or have certain medical conditions.
You may want to consider group therapy as a means of supplementing your individual therapy. Group therapy is different in that there is an interactive feature that can’t be duplicated in individual therapy, and it often provides a vehicle for support as you begin to make changes in your life. Your therapist may know someone he or she can refer you to in your area.
Meditate. Learning how to self-soothe your emotional turmoil is perhaps the most important skill you can learn. There are dozens of meditation practices and you may have to experiment with several before you find one that you like. Here is a link on meditation to give you a starting point.
Aerobic exercise. The value of exercise in combating depression is very well documented and this is particularly true for any exercise involving aerobic displacement. If you are okay to do this medically, exercise in any form will help.
Review your diet. No one gets depressed, puts the back of their hand to their head and says: “ I am so depressed, I need to have a piece of lettuce.” Our emotional life often changes our craving for various foods, which may not have the best impact on our biochemistry. Again, I would check in with a registered dietitian to be certain your diet is supporting your mental well-being.

Even if you can’t implement all of these things, pick one that isn’t part of your approach right now and begin there. Depression is a formidable foe, but developing these habits for dealing with the symptoms can make the difference.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 8, 2010 0 comment