Thank you. A month ago (or so) Dr. Kristina Randle helped me answering my question. (Misperceiving reality without medication). After reading the answer I decided to contact my former psychiatrist (the one I used to trust) and started a treatment with her.
I was feeling so much better and wanted to write just to say thank you, was not fine yet, but better, lot better. So thanks 😀 really.
I understand you answered my question, and don’t want to continue bothering you, but I’m in a little despair. My delusions diminished a lot, I think my official diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic features (or something like that), my mood was fluctuating, but was ok.
The thing is that 3 days ago I started to think of myself dead, uh… not sure how to say it. Like I see me killing myself in my mind (hope makes sense), was not feeling depressed or sad, actually I was fine, just this idea, and it started to invade my thoughts and now I just think in it. I don’t want to really kill myself, despite everything, I love my life, my plans. It has been hard to achieve certain stability, and I like being functional, but there’s this image that don’t leave me alone.
Then I started to listen other people’s thoughts (again), but I usually heard the thoughts of one person at a time, and now are a lot of thoughts of lot of people, so I can’t distinguish everything and my head is aching all the time because of the constant noise.
I wrote to my doctor explaining, I try not to call unless is a real emergency I don’t like when I am demanding, anyway I wrote to her, and she told me I have to give time to the med to kick in.
I know I have to be patient, but I can’t concentrate, or work, and I have datelines, and now I am starting to feel desperation, and don’t know how to deal with this until the med works fine, what if the meds don’t work? What if I’m not fine again?
And I ask myself if I really can’t control this or why am I doing it? Why a person would be like imagining things? Listening or seeing things that really are not there or happening? Am I just a freak? Should people be afraid of me? Should I stay away from people, to avoid hurting them?
And I feel so guilty and afraid for thinking of “me killing myself,” I know I like my life now (generally speaking), and was hard to get to this point. And people say that if you say it is just because you want attention, that people who wants to do it just do it. I don’t want to do anything like that, and also don’t want to have this images in my head, but don’t want to like to “call for attention.” How do I know if I have to say it to someone or not? How do I know if is real, and I should be worried or not? I used to want to die, I even try once and barely survived, and I am grateful I did, ’cause some years after my life improved and I liked it, but I feel ashamed as well (of feeling, saying and trying to kill myself and be alive) because it makes me feel like it was fake, that I was fake. Does that make sense? Should I ask for help or just wait until the meds work?
I’m sorry, I wanted to be just a thank you note, and I understand there are other people, and you have answered a question of mine before, so it’s OK if u don’t answer this time.
Thanks a lot for your time and previous advice.
I’m so glad to hear that you contacted your psychiatrist and have begun treatment again. I very much appreciate you writing back and letting me know how you’re doing. Thank you.
Please never feel that you are bothering me. I am glad to help you.
Your symptoms are obviously distressing but they are not your fault. No one would willingly choose to experience what you are experiencing. Those thoughts and images are essentially your brain playing tricks on you. It’s unfair, unpleasant, and frightening, and I’m sorry that this is happening to you. It will stop. It does take time. Be patient but also carefully monitor the suicidal thoughts that are occurring. If you feel that you might attempt suicide, you should call 911 or go to the emergency room. Keep your doctor informed about every change in your thinking.
You were wise to inform your doctor about your ongoing symptoms. Don’t feel like you’re a bother to your doctor. You are not. If you are a bother to your doctor, then she should find a new occupation. No good therapist would ever be upset with your providing the very information that they need to do their very best work. She needs you to keep her informed or she simply cannot do her job. What I am trying to say is you are being a responsible client. Without your self-reporting, she would not know how you are doing. As she noted, it may take time for the medication to “kick in.” Alternatively, your ongoing symptoms may be a sign that a dosage adjustment is needed. It’s important that you continue to inform her about your symptoms. It helps her to know whether your medication needs adjustment.
You may also want to consider the addition of psychotherapy. A therapist could help you to stay grounded in reality. For instance, he or she could help you to distinguish between what is real and what is not, teach you strategies for dealing with distressing hallucinations, voices, paranoia, and suicidal thoughts. During any distressing time, it’s important to surround yourself with a great deal of support. The more support you have, the better you will feel.
Thanks again for writing to let me know how you’re doing. Please consider writing back to keep me posted on your progress. I wish you continued success. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle