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Continuing Symptoms Despite Treatment

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Thank you. A month ago (or so) Dr. Kristina Randle helped me answering my question. (Misperceiving reality without medication). After reading the answer I decided to contact my former psychiatrist (the one I used to trust) and started a treatment with her.

I was feeling so much better and wanted to write just to say thank you, was not fine yet, but better, lot better. So thanks 😀 really.

I understand you answered my question, and don’t want to continue bothering you, but I’m in a little despair. My delusions diminished a lot, I think my official diagnosis is Bipolar Disorder with Psychotic features (or something like that), my mood was fluctuating, but was ok.

The thing is that 3 days ago I started to think of myself dead, uh… not sure how to say it. Like I see me killing myself in my mind (hope makes sense), was not feeling depressed or sad, actually I was fine, just this idea, and it started to invade my thoughts and now I just think in it. I don’t want to really kill myself, despite everything, I love my life, my plans. It has been hard to achieve certain stability, and I like being functional, but there’s this image that don’t leave me alone.

Then I started to listen other people’s thoughts (again), but I usually heard the thoughts of one person at a time, and now are a lot of thoughts of lot of people, so I can’t distinguish everything and my head is aching all the time because of the constant noise.

I wrote to my doctor explaining, I try not to call unless is a real emergency I don’t like when I am demanding, anyway I wrote to her, and she told me I have to give time to the med to kick in.

I know I have to be patient, but I can’t concentrate, or work, and I have datelines, and now I am starting to feel desperation, and don’t know how to deal with this until the med works fine, what if the meds don’t work? What if I’m not fine again?

And I ask myself if I really can’t control this or why am I doing it? Why a person would be like imagining things? Listening or seeing things that really are not there or happening? Am I just a freak? Should people be afraid of me? Should I stay away from people, to avoid hurting them?

And I feel so guilty and afraid for thinking of “me killing myself,” I know I like my life now (generally speaking), and was hard to get to this point. And people say that if you say it is just because you want attention, that people who wants to do it just do it. I don’t want to do anything like that, and also don’t want to have this images in my head, but don’t want to like to “call for attention.” How do I know if I have to say it to someone or not? How do I know if is real, and I should be worried or not? I used to want to die, I even try once and barely survived, and I am grateful I did, ’cause some years after my life improved and I liked it, but I feel ashamed as well (of feeling, saying and trying to kill myself and be alive) because it makes me feel like it was fake, that I was fake. Does that make sense? Should I ask for help or just wait until the meds work?

I’m sorry, I wanted to be just a thank you note, and I understand there are other people, and you have answered a question of mine before, so it’s OK if u don’t answer this time.

Thanks a lot for your time and previous advice.

I’m so glad to hear that you contacted your psychiatrist and have begun treatment again. I very much appreciate you writing back and letting me know how you’re doing. Thank you.

Please never feel that you are bothering me. I am glad to help you.

Your symptoms are obviously distressing but they are not your fault. No one would willingly choose to experience what you are experiencing. Those thoughts and images are essentially your brain playing tricks on you. It’s unfair, unpleasant, and frightening, and I’m sorry that this is happening to you. It will stop. It does take time. Be patient but also carefully monitor the suicidal thoughts that are occurring. If you feel that you might attempt suicide, you should call 911 or go to the emergency room. Keep your doctor informed about every change in your thinking.

You were wise to inform your doctor about your ongoing symptoms. Don’t feel like you’re a bother to your doctor. You are not. If you are a bother to your doctor, then she should find a new occupation. No good therapist would ever be upset with your providing the very information that they need to do their very best work. She needs you to keep her informed or she simply cannot do her job. What I am trying to say is you are being a responsible client. Without your self-reporting, she would not know how you are doing. As she noted, it may take time for the medication to “kick in.” Alternatively, your ongoing symptoms may be a sign that a dosage adjustment is needed. It’s important that you continue to inform her about your symptoms. It helps her to know whether your medication needs adjustment.

You may also want to consider the addition of psychotherapy. A therapist could help you to stay grounded in reality. For instance, he or she could help you to distinguish between what is real and what is not, teach you strategies for dealing with distressing hallucinations, voices, paranoia, and suicidal thoughts. During any distressing time, it’s important to surround yourself with a great deal of support. The more support you have, the better you will feel.

Thanks again for writing to let me know how you’re doing. Please consider writing back to keep me posted on your progress. I wish you continued success. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I hate myself and no one seems to care

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From an eighth grade girl: I have been geting in to fights with my dad and always after words i want to go and cry till i die. I know he knows i always do this and it seems like he doent care at all. But he always sayes he loves me, yet he acts like im just a burdden to him. my mom tryes to make me see that he really does love me but i never belive her. i cant really stand being with my parrents anymore and my dad hates the choues i make, like when i color my hair. my Mom thinks it a good way of expresing me but my dad thinks its like painting “im stupid” on my forhead. And i have cut my self befor im not really happy that i did but i didnt know what to do..i still have the marks and they remind me of what i did becaues i was sad. i have to live with my dad for 5 more years and i dont think i can take it, cuz most of the time when im home im in my room alone with my ipod.

I can tell from your letter that you are a very sensitive person. The upside of that is that you are probably insightful and sympathetic about lots of things. The downside is that you are still learning how to manage your own sensitivities. On top of all that, you are at an age when you are adjusting to changes in your body and your hormones. All this can make things loom much larger than they need to.

Meanwhile, your dad is adjusting to the fact that his little girl is growing up. He’s not used to having a young lady in the house who is experimenting with her looks and who is asserting her own individuality. Because your mom was once a girl, she is more likely to understand.

The mature thing to do is to stop isolating and start talking. Start with your mom. Talk with her about how much your dad’s comments really do hurt. Ask her to help you talk with him about how important it is for you to try out making some of your own decisions and to try some new looks. Let him know that his opinion really does count – a lot! See if you all can work out a way to have differences of opinion without name-calling. Meanwhile, get out of your room and do some fun things together as well. Share a game, introduce them to some new music, make dinner together. Positive times will help balance the more difficult ones.

You are adjusting to being a teen. Your parents are adjusting to having a new teenaged you. It’s normal for there to be some bumps in the road. Focus on how lucky you are to have folks who tell you they love you and who are trying their best.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend Won’t Talk to Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

This week on thursday my boyfriend was talking to his friend and then came to me and said that he needed a break but still wanted to be my boyfriend. Then i said sure ok. But then later he started talking again to his friend then told me he liked another girl and he said he wanted a break and i got confused angry and hurt. I was upset that he said he liked someone else and so in return i got angry and a little jelous and i said that i like someone else too who is a person he doesnt like and i saw that he got very upset. But then i told my friends i was angry and thats why i said that i didnt mean it.

My friend talked to him and told me that he seemed to be very sad. When i got home after school i was so sad and i started to cry. The next day we talked about it in the morning and he told me he was joking he doesnt like another girl he only likes me then i cooled down and said but why would you joke around like that? then he asked me if i still liked someone else and i said yes i said yes because i didnt know if he was lieing to me or not. then for the rest of the day he has been ignoring me and wont talk to me.

His friend told me he not talking to me because i said i like someone else. But then later my friend talked to my boyfriend and he said the same to her but then she told him i was sad and he said he doesnt care. when i heard that it broked my heart. I cried again because i didnt know if we were still dating or not. i want to talk to him and fix our problem and tell him the truth that i dont like anyone else but how can i do that if he wont talk to me? I am very upset about this because i really like him and want a good relationship with him but hes been confusing me lately so i dont know what to think anymore. I think he might talk to me next monday but im not sure.

You’ve just learned a hard lesson in the importance of being honest. At 16, it’s time for you to stop this kind of game-playing with someone’s feelings. Manipulations and lies are not the way to build a trusting relationship. Using go-betweens to communicate only confuses issues even more. He’s not the one confusing you. Your childish tactics have backfired big time and you really have only yourself to blame. He won’t talk to you because he has the sense to not be involved with someone whose words he can’t trust.

I’m not sure you can turn this around. You may have to see it as a learning experience.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Weird seasonal behavior getting worse every year

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband was diagnosed with cluster migranes. He gets them every year around Thanksgiving. They are getting more severe and lasting for a longer period of time each year – almost 3 weeks now. He did go to a neurologist for this – MRI is clear.

Also, every March he goes into this paranoid rageful state. It too is getting worse and now lasts about 6 weeks into April. His paranoia is always centered on me – that I am a woman therefore I am unfaithful. His last wife ran off with his best friend 15 years ago. We have been together 12 years and I have never given him any reason to suspect anything. Unfortunately, the worse the paranoia and anger the more he drinks his beer. 6 – 8 cases of beer a week during this time is not unusual for him.

Every comment and non-comment, every look, even whatever is on TV sets him off. “I know what they really mean!” “You cooked that because that’s what your boyfriend likes.” “They really think this.” Then the name calling and horrible accusations begin again. In his drunken rage which he builds up to, he calls anyone associated with me and screams at them they are helping “that sl**** to cheat on me”. A former boss and a college director were both receipients of such phone calls. He tracks my mileage and won’t allow me to answer the phone or go anywhere without him and if he says no, which he usually does, we don’t go.

Then *poof*! Magically, it is over. He just wakes up one day his usual dysfunctional self instead of the drunken paranoid rageful one. He doesn’t remember most of the episodes or even most of what he said and denies that anything was ever wrong. His drinking cuts back to his normal 2 – 4 cases of beer a week. And his rage is now directed toward traffic.

Every year I go through this and every year it gets worse. I hope you can tell me what is wrong with him and how I can best deal with it and/or get him into treatment if that is what is needed.

I suspect your heading may be right. There are some people who react to seasonal changes of light and develop a depression, usually around November and again in March. This is called SAD, “seasonal affective disorder.” My guess is that your husband is self-medicating with alcohol, thinking it will give him relief. Unfortunately, alcohol is a depressant and only makes things worse. When your husband is depressed and drinks he becomes a very mean drunk with black-outs about his behavior.

You present his level of drinking very matter-of-factly. I’m concerned that you are so used to it that you can’t see that he is an alcoholic. 2-4 cases of beer every week isn’t “normal”. 6 – 8 cases is way, way out of control. For this to get better, he has to get in control of his drinking. I encourage you to find an Al-Anon meeting. (Call 1 800 344 2666.) That program can give you some personal support as well as some practical advice about how to encourage your husband to get treatment. Finally, your husband should be evaluated for SAD by a mental health professional. If that diagnosis is correct, he needs medication for his depression, not beer.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Looking for love in the wrong place

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am 23 years old, and My husband is 30. We have been married for 8 months, He was born with a medical condition of his heart and was told he would die by the time he hit 30. We met on the internet and he came to meet me right a way, he said he loved me from the moment he saw me, and things were going good He asked me to marry him about 6 months later. Then last year in May he went back home for a while because he had this bad feeling something was going to go wrong with his family. While there he moved back in with his Ex so he could be near his youngest son. His ex’s fiance lived there too so i dont think anything happend. But he called me and broke up with me teased me and was mean to me. A week later he called saying it was the biggest mistake he made and had to have me back so he came back to see me, Everything was going good then this winter he had some chest pains so I took him to the hostpial, The doctor said some meds needed to be adjusted but his valve would be good forever, and so my husband found out he wasnt going to die like he thought. Then he changed.
He got to where he didnt want to hang out with me anymore, he wont watch tv with me, he plays video games all the time. On valentines day and he didnt get me anything, not even a card or tell me happy valentines day.
He has just been real distant and cold i asked him about it and he said He only married me because he thought he was going to die and wanted someone to mourn over him. I do everything i can for him around the home, and its just so frustrating, he told me a few days ago he wants to leave I dont fit in with his high society family and friends i dont know what to do now. I’m not able to find a job around here because its a samll town and jobs are limited.
I love him but i cant be sure if he loves me, and i dunno wheather to support him and keep my marriage or to stay with my family who i know can take care of me. But when i moved out of my mothers place my 85 year old grandmother moved in, i lost my real home, and not sure i’ll have a place to live if he leaves.
How do i be sure what to do, and what is best. I dont want to be alone and have to start over as a divorced 23 year old.
Please help
In tears,
Mrs. Sad and Confused.

Dear Sad and Confused,
I’d say you and your husband got together for all the wrong reasons. He was scared he was going to die. You were scared about being alone and maybe wanted a way out of your town and family. You may be legally married but it doesn’t sound like the two of you are emotionally married or even connected. I think you deserve far better than this. Let this guy go, figure out how to get yourself some kind of education or training and move into your own adult life. Please don’t let your husband damage your self-esteem and limit your choices. Define yourself. Maybe it’s time for you to think about college. Even if your grades weren’t terrific in high school, enough years have passed that colleges will consider you as an alternative student. If you did get good grades, great. It will make it that much easier. Go on an online college search like Peterson’s to check out your options. Yes, you can find a school you can afford. Yes, you can get student loans. Yes, there are schools that have young people in their 20’s who decided a bit later to get that degree. At school, you will meet other people your age who want to make a better life for themselves. If you are friendly, you will make friends. If you are motivated, you can get a degree amd a well-paying job. Please consider it.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Can’t Stop Thinking about Breakup

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It has been almost three months and I can’t stop thinking about him. He is 29, I am 24. Some days are better than others, but I still feel extremely sad and crappy about the whole thing. He told me when we broke up that when he thinks about his future, he doesn’t see me in it anymore, and as much as he wanted us to work he just can’t do it anymore. This crushed me, even though I knew a long time ago that he wasn’t right for me. But he was my first real love, and that was the last thing I thought I would ever hear him say. He started seeing someone the week after we broke up. They are still together. I know this because I still talk to and hang out with his friends (well his guy friend’s wives.) He doesn’t have facebook, but I looked his new girl up, and her profile is not private. She posts pictures of them, and status’ about them. It makes me sick, but I can’t stop looking at it. It literally gives me an upset stomach every single time. I even check his e-mail a few times a week. I try to talk myself out of looking but I can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have not talked to him in almost two months, but I want to, badly. I want to know when he met this girl, if we were together when they met, if he cheated on me, etc. But I can’t do this or find this out without looking like the “crazy ex-girlfriend.” I feel so hopeless. Even though I say I don’t want to be with him, I also don’t feel like my heart is every going to be able to trust or fully love another person again. I don’t want him to be in my head anymore. It’s even affecting my sleep. I wake up from dreams about him, and then cannot go back to sleep. I try so hard to keep myself busy with family and friends, and even knew hobbies, but he is ALWAYS occupying my head. I don’t know what to do about it anymore, its driving me nuts. Please help. Any advice is appreciated. If you need more details I have an endless amount.

I am sorry about your loss. It can be difficult to lose someone with whom you feel so connected. The most helpful advice that I can offer is to focus on reality. The reality is that your boyfriend has ended the relationship. Unfortunately, you don’t have a say in the matter. When it comes to relationships, both individuals have to agree to be in the relationship. If one person votes no, and the other yes, the relationship ends. You must have two yes votes for the relationship to continue.

Most relationships don’t last. It is the norm. Breaking up is essentially a universal experience. Virtually everyone can relate. Breakups can be difficult but there is often a “silver lining.” It frees you to search for someone who will love you as much as you love them.

This is your first real love. The breakup was difficult. You are upset but in time your strong emotions about your ex will subside.

Dating is a process of trial and error and as I’ve already mentioned almost all of them end up as an error. It is a process of rejection. It is a process of saying (by one of the parties) “Nope, not compatible enough.”

Your ex appears to be saying just that. You and he were not compatible enough.

Think about all of the millions of people who experience breakups. They, too, believed that they would never recover, or that they would never find another relationship but they did. You can too.

I want you to look around at everyone you know who has a good relationship, even a seemingly perfect one. Then I want you to realize the long process of breakups, rejections, etc. that finally led to that really good relationship, that special person.

Finally, I would advise that you stop viewing Facebook photos of your ex and his new girlfriend. Not only does it upset you, it is a waste of your time. Why bother with someone who does not want to be with you?

The more assistance and support that you have during this difficult time, the better. It will pass and you will feel better. Please take care.


Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Just Don’t Care

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It’s not like I’m depressed or anything, I’m not suicidal or self-harming, thats why I haven’t really sought out any help until now. I’m not sad in any way. I’m usually either really happy, or neutral. I used to do well in school. I’d try to ace all my courses, but recently I just really stopped caring. I feel almost like I’ve experienced everything but dying. I’ve been in most cliques at school, I’ve had major and minor surgeries, and I have a lot of medical conditions (that I was forced by my parent to visit the doctor and take care of). I still ,obviously, haven’t experienced everything though. I hardly pay attention to the actions I carry out and how they affect others , the way they react doesn’t bother me. Even though I should care about how they feel,I can’t and I realize it’s hurting my family and the people I’m around and I wish I could care. When my grandfather died a few months ago, I couldn’t even cry. I attended to my grandmother, but I didn’t feel like I lost anything; even though I was close with him. Late February, I adopted a pet, hoping it would pave the way to caring, it doesn’t feel like I’m cherishing the time with it though. It just feels like a responsibility that I must attend to regardless if I want to or not. I have no idea if theres something wrong with me, I just don’t want to live the rest of my life in this grey void. I’m not looking for a diagnosis, just advice.

You may be having a normal reaction to difficult life events.

You had both major and minor surgeries, “a lot” of medical conditions and recently lost your grandfather. These are all major life events and all seem to have occurred in close temporal proximity. Virtually anyone would struggle with these issues.

Your medical problems and surgeries could be affecting your mood. Your medical problems may require you to take certain medications, which may also be affecting the way you feel. Virtually all medications have side effects which could produce changes in your thinking and behavior and feelings.

Losing your grandfather may also be affecting your mood. Sadness after the death of a loved one is normal.

Medical problems, surgeries and losing a close family relative will undoubtedly have an effect on your mood and behavior. Therefore, it’s possible that these events are the reason why you are feeling the way you do.

It’s highly unlikely that you will “live the rest of your life in this grey void.” You’re experiencing a difficult time in your life but you will not always feel this way. I would encourage you to share your feelings with your parents. Ask if there’s anything they can do to help. They may offer advice or perhaps suggest counseling. During this difficult time, be open with your feelings and make it your goal to gain as much support as possible. The more support you have, the better you will feel. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Losing Game of Cat and Mouse

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Serbia: Hello,first of all i want to say that i am sorry for possible mistakes because my English is not perfect.This is my story:
When i was 17 i met some guy on Facebook and he was 30 and he had a girlfriend.I thought it’s ok because it is just chatting.But 2 years after,i came to study in the same city where he is living.At that moment,his girlfriend was his fiance.I told him that i came to college and i thought it’s a good idea to meet him.When i met him i was so disappointed.I didn’t like him at all.But than he started to send me messages and he made me think about him and i started to have some kind of relationship with him.I told him that i didn’t have sex and he said that we can’t be together if we don’t have sex,but month after,he called me again and he said that he can wait.In February last year he told me that his fiance is pregnant and that we can’t see each other anymore.I was so sad and i told my mom,sister and some friends about that relationship.I was thinking about him,but 6 months after,i stopped.In September he called me again and we started to chat and i was with him again.I felt regret for his wife,she was pregnant and he called me,but i thought that he likes me because we still didn’t have sex and he called me,not some other girl with who he can have it easily.But little after New Year he stopped to call me,and few days ago i sent him message and he told me that he can’t be with me until we have sex.I found out that his girlfriend is rich so i guess maybe it is the reason why he is with her.I really don’t think that he likes her,cause he was chatting with me all the time,until she was just a girlfriend.I am so confused,i know that this is bad and i promised my family and friends that i will not make the same mistake,so i can’t tell about this anyone.I really don’t know what to do

What you should do is run. This guy is a cat and you’ve been his willing mouse. Why on earth would you want to have anything to do with a man who is betraying his pregnant wife by playing games with you? If he will do it to her, I assure you he will eventually do the same to you. Why are you letting this guy kind of blackmail you into having sex when you barely know each other? I would hope that you’ll only have sex with someone who loves you deeply and who wants to really be with you. And why are you willing to participate in this guy’s despicable behavior toward his wife instead of sending him home to deal with her honestly? If you were married, you’d be rightfully hurt and furious with any woman who didn’t back you up.

This man isn’t worth thinking about, yet you do. I wonder if the drama with this guy is helping you avoid thinking about why you haven’t found an appropriate person to love. You’ve given up 3 years when you could have been learning how to relate to men and finding a loving man to be in your life. Please stop occupying yourself with this destructive fantasy relationship and take an honest look at whether you really want romance. If you do, the next step is to figure out how to meet a quality guy who will cherish you for yourself and not demand sex as payment for the relationship. You deserve far better than what this man is offering.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Normal or Not?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have thought maybe I would classify under ultradian/rapid cycle bipolar because my father, grandmother and great-grandfather suffered from bpd and my moods change over the course of hours to a couple of days at most. However I don’t really suffer through “manic” episodes, it changes between “depressed” and “normal”. My “depressed” moments go from being exhausted for no reason, just being.. “done”, being upset that my life will never be as happy as when I was younger, and thinking that the future is pointless because I’ll be in school for 5 years, work through my whole life, then die. But sometimes I seem to “get over” these phases for a couple of hours/days in which I consider my mood to be “normal” and then it repeats. I have not seriously considered suicide, but recently I don’t even want to risk putting myself in a tempting situation.. Would rapidly switching between “normal” and this kind of “depression” be a certain illness?

I am also slightly sceptical though because my mother has always been worried I will inherit the bpd gene so anytime when I was just sad as a younger teen she was worried that I was going through a depression phase. I am wondering if I’m just convincing myself that there’s something wrong with me, when there’s nothing (even though I would NEVER wish for myself or anyone else to experience mental illness)? I don’t know what to do because I feel like even if I go to the Dr, I can answer the questions the “right way” and it may not be accurate. For example, if I am convincing myself I have an illness I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “confirm” it, or if I’m convincing myself it’s all in my head I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “deny” any illness.. I’m confusing myself and I don’t know whether these thoughts would contribute to my “symptoms” or not….. I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m looking for from you guys…. I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for my weird thought process, if it doesn’t make sense to me I can’t assume it would make sense to you, but thank you for your time either way. All the best.

There is no need to apologize for yourself. You are asking very, very good questions.

First, there are two types of bipolar disorder. Cycling between depression and “normal” is Bipolar II. People who have also had at least one episode of mania are diagnosed with bipolar I. So, if you have bipolar at all, it’s likely that it’s bpII.

However, you ask another really good question: Is it at all likely that you have been made so hypersensitive to the possibility that you have bipolar that you are mistaking normal adolescent hormonal changes and emotional growth for a disorder? I can’t answer that question on the basis of a letter. What I can do is suggest that you make an appointment with a mental health professional and take your letter with you to the first session. Your letter describes the situation very well. Asking the counselor to read it first thing will help her understand your confusion. The counselor will then be able to ask you questions that will help determine what’s going on.

I do think that settling the question will be helpful to you. You don’t want to be constantly second-guessing yourself or worrying about yourself every time you have a sad feeling. On the other hand, if you do have bipolar II, you may want to consider some treatment so that you can manage it effectively. It doesn’t have to dominate your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why do my sisters hate me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello everyone, I am 21. i have two little sisters, one is two years and the other one is five years younger than me and an elder brother(4 years older than me). we were very happy together, we were united like one big happy family. my brother loved someone, that girl was very possessive, she did not like me and my bro and she stopped talking to me when they got married its been three years now. even my two little sisters supported me and they also stopped talking to my brother…

last year in January, i came to know that my sister is going out with someone, i met that guy, that guy was not a good guy at all, i warned my sister… my sister stopped talking to me and she told my brother everything about that guy, my brother and his wife supported her. as from that day my sister stopped talking to me, she always use to show me that she is very happy and does not need my sisterly affection, i was very depressed, i use to cry in my room everyday, thinking how my sister turned out to be so indifferent to me, i even tried to talk to her, but she would just turn her face off… she would consider my brother’s wife greater than me, i am as just nothing to her now…

yesterday, that guy broke up with her, she cried a lot, i tried talking to her but still she did not talk to me well… what shall i do, please help me… i really love my sisters and i want our happy back… even mom and dad are worried and sad when they see that we sisters are not that close now… please help me… why is it that we take so much time to build relationships and strangers come and break it so easily??? i have cried for almost one year, my sisters did not talk to me well…. i got depressed to such an extent that i was not able to follow my lectures at the university… but in all this my parents supported me but they did not say anything to my brothers and sisters concerning me… my dad said “have faith in god, he will set everything right, have patience”… by the way my brother’s wife does not talk to my dad and my mom as well…
please help us…

I’m so very sorry that this situation is hurting you so much. When a family has been close, it is especially hard to go through tough times.

I think the situation with your brother is different than with your sisters. Your brother is in a terrible situation. His wife is asking him to choose between her and his family. No one should ever be asked to choose between the people he loves. I don’t know why she wants to separate him from his parents and sisters. Sometimes this happens because the wife is threatened by the closeness of the original family and wants her husband all to herself. She doesn’t realize that your family could become an important support for her. And she doesn’t realize that often a husband in this situation eventually resents having to make the choice.

In the situation with your brother, my suggestion to you is that you keep an open heart and mind and be as friendly as you can be to him and his wife when you do see them. Usually this kind of situation eventually settles down – as long as people don’t make a big issue of it. At some point, your brother is probably going to feel secure enough with his wife that he will let her know that he misses his family.

With your sisters: I think something different is going on. Your younger sister is at a developmental stage where she is trying to find her own identity. She needs to figure things out for herself and make her own decisions. At this stage, she needs you to listen sympathetically and to let her know that you think she can make the right decisions. She doesn’t want advice from you. She only wants your support. If you try to tell her what to do, she will push you away. It doesn’t matter if you are right. As difficult (and as unfair) as it might be, the best thing you can do now is apologize to her for trying to interfere and then let her know you have confidence in her. Mean it. Then just tell her you miss her. Invite her to spend time with you now and then but don’t tell her what to do. Since you got along in the past, I’m betting that she will eventually come back to you.

Your father is right that it helps to have patience. I wonder if he and your mom don’t intervene on your behalf because they think it will make things worse. It might. They may believe that they can count on the good upbringing and closeness you all had to be a powerful enough “glue” that everyone will get back together some day. They have faith that with patience from them and more maturity in all of you, things will improve. They may be right. Give it a chance.

Meanwhile, you need to get back to the business of your own life. Work on your studies. Enjoy your friends. Be on the lookout for that someone special. As the older sister, you are an important role model for your younger sisters. If they see you as managing your own life and being happy, they will be much more interested in you.

I realize that the situation is hard for you. I don’t blame you a bit for being sad. But I do think that much of this will resolve itself as you all establish yourselves as young adults.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Depressed but Haven’t Sought Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Okay so for as long as I can remember I’ve had times we’re I would be really depressed sometimes. It started to become noticeable with my parents that I would ditch my friends and stay home and sleep. But I am not always that depressed, sometimes I like to go out and have fun with the few friends I do have, the thing is when I do go out we usually drink and it seems I can’t drink without getting so trashed I Black out every time. I even got dropped off passed out a few times and puked all over myself. Every time this happens I wake up feeling 10x more depressed than the last time, I feel worthless and sorry for myself and I really try not to. I had to take off of a semester of school and lost my job because I cursed out my manager when I was angry ( really stupid of me) and that was 3 months ago. Up until about 3 weeks ago I wouldn’t be caught going out, I would stay home and cry and even thought about suicide but I called a hotline after my mom threatened to take me to a hospital.

There are days I love to write and I am working on a story, some weeks I write chapters and I even stay up all night to finish them, and sometimes I don’t do any writing for weeks, it’s like my mind is on overload with doing everything a few weeks at a time to suddenly just laying in bed and generally being SAD and I just want to be happy. I’ve gained 20 pounds in 2 years and I am disgusted wit myself, I don’t even believe it when people tell me I’m beautiful.

Okay, all in all I just want to know if this is all normal, sorry for the long story this is pretty much the short version.

It’s unusual to have such great fluctuation in mood. It’s also outside the realm of normal to be considering suicide. Your mother was so concerned about your behavior that she threatened to take you to a hospital. Had she carried out her threat, it’s possible that you would’ve been hospitalized in a psychiatric facility.

Also concerning is the fact that you drink until you black out. The drinking leads to a significant increase in your depression. Alcohol is a nervous system depressant which may in part explain the elevated level of depression after drinking. The drinking and depression has negatively affected your social, educational and occupational functioning. You had to leave college because of the drinking and depression. You also had to quit your job because of your aggressive behavior at work.

To answer your question directly, none of what you described is “normal.” Severe depression, drinking until blacking out, suicidal ideation, having to leave college and having quit your job is all evidence that these problems are seriously and negatively interfering with your quality of life. You’re suffering as a result of these problems.

I would recommend seeking professional help. Meet with a mental health professional who can gather information about your psychosocial history and current symptoms and determine the best course of treatment. Psychotherapy and medication have helped many, many people experiencing a similar set of symptoms. Depression is a treatable condition but only you can decide to receive professional help.

You have endured the last few years of your life. You have suffered and while it shows strength and endurance on your part, it did not need to happen. Therapy would have, most likely, either eliminated or greatly, greatly reduced the pain that you have gone through. Few people would have suffered with a toothache for two years but those same people allow themselves to suffer with mental pain, which is at least as severe or perhaps worse, for two years or more.

I know it’s not that simple. Sometimes help is not available or we might not know how to get it, or our parents forbid it, etc. But once you are aware that help is available, you should make every effort to gain that help.

The problem is, for many people who fail to seek help, that they don’t know that they should. They think that a pain in a tooth deserves and is best served by seeking the help of a professional but not that their emotional pain is best treated by seeking the help of a professional. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why can’t I just be happy?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi I am 20 years old and just recently moved to Chile with my mother after the separation with my step dad. I have always suffered from depression and have taken medication for it but it seems to never work. These past few years it seems that I have gotten worse. I am constantly down on myself never thinking I am good enough. I can’t even remember what it feels like to be happy. I get angry over what my mother tells me are small things but I tell her they aren’t small to me. I am always on a rollercoaster of emotions, I can be having a good time and the simplest thing will bring me down and I am upset the rest of the day.

I don’t have a home anymore and am staying with family and they are constantly taking my things and it makes me so angry and I just want to cry. Whenever I try to explain to my mom or anyone how I am feeling I start to cry. I have gotten to a point where I get so angry I don’t even scream anymore I am just silent and cry. I feel like I am filled with all these emotions all the time and I hate that I feel so sad and angry all the time but it seems like I can’t be happy.

It makes me feel like I am a burden on everyone and it would just be better if I was gone. Why am I this way? Why can’t I just be happy?

I am sorry this has become such a difficult time in your life. Depression is often activated when we feel we cannot control various aspects of our life, and gaining control of the areas we can is typically the key for feeling better.

There are several things we can do to combat depression that I have identified elsewhere. I will encourage you to read through these as a foundation for change.

In a nutshell, some strategies listed in this article include:

“Positive psychology – strategies designed to shift your thoughts and feelings toward a more positive framework. This isn’t a simplistic “think-happy-thoughts” approach, but rather a focused effort at cognitive restructuring of your thought process. The strongest combination to approach depression is therapy combined with an antidepressant. If you do not want to take an antidepressant there are several homeopathic or herbal alternatives that may be helpful. You may want to consider group therapy as a means of supplementing your individual therapy. Group therapy is different in that there is an interactive feature that can’t be duplicated in individual therapy, and it often provides a vehicle for support as you begin to make changes in your life. Your therapist may know someone he or she can refer you to in your area. Meditation – learning how to self-soothe your emotional turmoil is perhaps the most important skill you can learn. Aerobic exercise – the value of exercise in combating depression is very well documented and this is particularly true for any exercise involving aerobic displacement. Review your diet – our emotional life often changes our craving for various foods, which may not have the best impact on our biochemistry.”

The short answer is that coping with a depression is like walking up a down escalator and we must find the tools and the strength to deal with changing our thoughts and attitude as a way of neutralizing and overcoming these feelings. In particular I would encourage the use of the technique called the “Three Blessings” because it can be used as a direct way to start changing your thoughts.

I would encourage you to seek counseling now to develop a support system in your new location. The find help tab may be helpful as international links are included.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Long-Term Apathy and Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I spent last winter in an apathetic state where I completely lost interest in things that were important to me and I avoided interacting with friends at all costs. I spent my days distracting myself with videos and mindless things. At the start of this year I started to feel better. My writer’s block wore off and I felt like I could relate to others again. Mid February I broke down into tears one night for no reason, alone in my room. Nothing had triggered it, but on and off after that I had more cry spells and I felt terrible some days. I couldn’t sleep.

Lately these feelings have been building up more frequently, and sometimes I become very sad in public, and I feel as if I can’t hold it in. My health has also suffered. I get sick easily when I get no sleep, I’ve had migraines lasting several hours to a couple days and muscle cramps randomly during the day. I don’t feel like I can trust anyone enough to tell them about how I’ve been feeling. I have no close friends; I’d reduced contact with all of them when university started because I didn’t like being around other people. I know that even if I were close to any of them, I still couldn’t tell them. I’m able to socialize easily with others, but I can’t trust easily.

All the things that didn’t bother me before are affecting me now, and I feel like I’m alienating myself around strangers. Lately I’ve been having thoughts about suicide, even though I know I would never act upon them. I’m distracted at school and at work, and I think of myself as a lost cause that’s not worth the motivation. I really want to beat this on my own and am hesitant about approaching a school counselor, even though I’ve felt bad enough to have thought about it. I want to believe that this is a short term, temporary thing, but I have no idea

You are not a “lost cause.” You, in all likelihood, have depression. It’s reoccurring and it seems that your episodes are worse with each reoccurrence. The fact that you’re considering suicide is evidence of the seriousness of your condition.

You have been suffering with this condition for at least a year. It is degrading your life to a significant degree. You’ve been hesitant about seeking help but you should not be. You should not have waited this long to seek help. You should have sought help when you first began to notice the depression. I’ve noticed that sometimes people believe that they have to wait until their symptoms are severe “enough” before they receive help. Ideally, one should receive help upon the emergence of troublesome symptoms. The sooner the better.

Sometimes people also believe, like you, that is important to solve one’s own problems. Perhaps it’s due to pride. It may be due to the fact that some people feel stigmatized by seeking psychological treatment. In their view, the fact that they sought professional help is a sign that they are a failure. Nothing could be further from the truth. There shouldn’t be any hesitancy to seek professional help. Mental health professionals specialize in the very problems with which you suffer. Depression is also very treatable. Don’t wait any longer to receive help. Approach the school counselor immediately and report all of your symptoms. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice

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Do I Have Trichotillomania?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was reading one of my client’s profiles when I came across the term “trichotillomania” so i googled it. Now I am bothered by it. I remember when I was young my parents would always scold me to stop pulling my hair. Now that I am 30 I still find myself doing it subconsciously. I am generally a happy person and laid back kind of girl. I have a 3 year old son and am married for 5 and a half years now. I do not have any bare patch on my scalp but i can tell one area is thinner compared to the side where I dont pull hair. I do remember when I was young I did have lesser hair on one part in my scalp.

I only pull one strand at a time. I usually like to play with a single strand of hair first before I pull it to make sure i like how it feels tugging on my scalp. There is a sense of tension before pulling hair or when trying to resist the urge to pull hair. Once I find the one that feels right I hold on to it and will not let it go. I can control the urge but I feel sad if I let go and that is only for a minute or two then I am fine. There is a feeling of relief, satisfaction, and/or pleasure after acting on the impulse to pull hair. I usually do this when I am relaxed like watching TV or browsing the internet or sometimes even when I am driving.
There is also a presence of other associated behaviors such as inspecting the hair root, twirling the hair around my fingers and sometimes falling asleep at night and wake up in the middle of the night or the next morning with the strand still twirled around my fingers. Then when I get tired with it and i shred it into pieces. I feel like i have to shred it into pieces when I am done playing with it. I feel like it should not go to waste. Every now and then when my husband catches me playing with my hair he tries to steal the strand from my fingers and it annoys me but not to the point where I am just furious. I just find it annoying and wish he would just leave me alone with my hair.
I never wanted or ever desired to eat it.

I also suffered from Enuresis when I was young. I wet my bed until I was 12-13 but I dont do it when I am awake only at night time bed time. (This is just my self diagnosis base on my experience and what google says put together)

I’m sorry that a diagnostic label bothers you. I can’t, of course, provide a diagnosis on the basis of a letter. All I can tell you is that what you describe is consistent with what is called trichotillomania. But a name of a group of symptoms is intended to help professionals communicate with each other in order to decide what treatment, if any, might be helpful. No value judgment is attached.

Here’s the thing: Kids who are at all anxious tend to find something that soothes them. Some get attached to a blanket or a pacifier. Some bite their nails. Some twirl their hair. Some suck their thumbs. No one knows why a particular habit develops. The common denominator for all such habits, though, is anxiety. As children grow and develop internal coping skills, they are often persuaded to give up the lovey or habit that helped them stay calm. It’s a little harder when the “lovey” is a renewable resource like hair or nails. A mom can’t exactly wean a kid away from nail biting by gradually eliminating nails from the kid’s view. (Blankets can be gradually made smaller and smaller until they disappear.)

You’ve reduced your habit to something that is managable. You aren’t balding. You aren’t behaving in a way that hurts yourself or anyone else or that is socially unacceptable. As you said, you do it when you are relaxing it. I suspect there is something about doing it that helps you relax. It works for you. If you were seeing me, I’d ask you to think about whether the benefit of dropping the habit is worth the stress of trying. If you do think so, then we’d work on helping you find other satisfying ways to relax and perhaps to occupy your hands.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sad and Lonely — Can I Change?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My entire life I have been sad and lonely. As the years have passed, I kept hoping that things would get better but they never did. I have too many problems and I don’t know how to deal with all of them.

My sister has autism and being the “normal” daughter, I feel my parent have greater expectations of me since they know that my sister will never be able to have the things every parent wants for their child.

I feel I’m not good enough. In spite of studying very hard, I didn’t get a good gpa in university. After graduation, because of the recession I was not able to find a job so my dad got me a job where he works. It’s been 2 years and I hate working there but I don’t think I can get another job. I gave a few interviews but it never worked out.

Because of my sister’s disability, my parent decided to isolate themselves from everyone. I grew up having no interactions with people other than teachers and classmates. As a result, I’m nervous around people and have never developed good friendships. I have no friends and no one to talk to other than my mom. I feel like my youth is passing me by and there’s nothing I can do to change my life. I want to fall in love and get married like everyone else but I don’t see that happening anytime soon.

I feel utterly and completely helpless. Everyday I wake up, go to work, come home and relax for while and then go to bed. I feel tired of living and sometimes wish my life would just end. I will never act on this feeling because I know the impact it would have on my family. I don’t want to give up, I want a better life for myself but I don’t know how take the first step.

How can I turn my life around? What can I do to change things?

All of the issues with which you are struggling can be remedied with therapy. Your parents isolated themselves and this prohibited you from developing a healthy interaction style. The thought of interacting with others invokes nervousness and thus you avoid it.

As a child you had little say over what your parents did and did not do. They chose to isolate and unfortunately this negatively affected you but as an adult you can correct it. Dealing with nervousness, learning new patterns of interaction and so forth, are skills that can be learned. Therapy could greatly assist with the development of these skills.

As you stated, you feel completely helpless. You have tried all that you know to correct these issues but you have come to the point where you no longer know what to do. Mental health professionals specialize in teaching people the skills that you are interested in learning. It makes perfect sense that you would consider therapy at this point your life. It is the way to “turn your life around.” Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend Has a Child

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I met a guy on Facebook we began speaking and all was going well. we then decided to meet for the first time it was spectacular I fell in love with him instantly as he says he did with me. after a few days or maybe weeks we began dating.

everything was going well until one day I logged in Facebook and I saw how he had written a note that said “the truth that nobody knows” I opened it and it was there when I read he had a daughter 🙁 I began crying and I asked him,he didnt deny it he said “he thought I knew” but how would i? He never even mentioned it,

he apologized so much and he still does Up til today he says that if i want to leave him that it’s okay he understands because no one wants someone that already had a kid but then he also says that the mother doesn’t let him see the girl,he doesn’t pay child support or does he see her.

I won’t lie. ever since I’ve found out I feel so depressed. I really love him and he’s really nice and sweet. I just don’t know if I can handle this. sometimes I cry myself to sleep thinking what I did do to deserve this? I tried to get away but I just can’t. I don’t know what to do. im so sad but I really want to be with him,
What do I do?

It seems to me that it isn’t the fact of the child that is bothering you. It’s that your boyfriend didn’t tell you himself about this very important part of his life.

There are many red flags in his story: Why isn’t he paying child support? Why doesn’t he see his child? What does it mean that the mother doesn’t let him see his daughter? He may be sweet to you, but to me there are many unanswered questions about his maturity and responsibility. I would think much more of him if he were making a real effort to man up and take on his share of raising his child. It’s possible that your level of distress is that you also have some questions about his character.

I think you tell him that lots of women are happy to be with someone who has a child. What they are not happy to do is to be with someone who lies by omission and who doesn’t take his responsibilities seriously. Since he has these character flaws, he isn’t ready to be in a mature relationship with you or with anyone else.

You haven’t invested enough time in this relationship for it to be this painful to let it go. At 18, you have plenty of time to find a guy who is worth your love. I encourage you to take a big break from this relationship and let yourself be available for someone who is truthful with you from the start.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I a Sociopath?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have been wondering this for some time, especially in the last few months- Am I a sociopath or am I crazy..? For starters, I had behavior problems as a child, which developed around the age of 7. I was in and out of mental hospitals and group homes from the time I was 7 till just before I turned 10. I don’t have these behavior problems anymore, but I have been described as a compulsive liar, a thief, a “sneak”, and as having no regard for others- all of which is true.

I’m not sure why I lie, but I do. It’s as if it’s a part of who I am and I lie about virtually anything an everything. When I’m questioned about it all I can say is I don’t know, because I really don’t know why and I also never feel guilty about it. The same goes with stealing or with anything else that people have told me is wrong or is immoral, I don’t feel guilty or remorseful about anything. I never have. For people who haven’t seen past my lies they’ve described me as friendly and likeable- that I’m charming and get along with everyone.

Another thing that you should know is that I don’t really feel emotions, I mean that I’m never really happy or sad or anything I’m always just sort of neutral. Because of this I’ve become a master at putting on a facade and faking, though I can’t cry and I can’t make my eyes show emotions and I’ve been caught on this before when people have seen me smiling or something. I disregard and don’t usually associate myself with most people and with my family, not intentionally, I just don’t enjoy it and don’t find the need to be around others and I tend to get bored with people (like in relationships).

So now I ask, am I crazy..? What’s wrong with me and do you have any suggestions?

It is difficult to know what may be wrong. You seem to recognize that there are potential problems and writing this letter may mean that you are interested in correcting them. I find that to be encouraging.

It is possible that the problems you have described are the result of your lack of a connection with a stable parent. I am assuming that you didn’t have that, given your chaotic childhood. Not having a stable relationship means that you may have never experienced an emotional attachment and thus would have difficulty connecting with others.

Your inability to feel emotions may be the result of a defense mechanism used to psychologically tolerate living in mental hospitals and group homes as a child. For the majority of people, such experiences would be traumatic. One way to cope with trauma is to disconnect emotionally from those traumatic experiences. This happens unconsciously and can result in an overall lack of emotion with regard to many areas of one’s life. Perhaps that is what has happened to you.

The issues you have identified can significantly and negatively impact your life and your ability to develop relationships with others. It is human nature to desire social relationships and without those connections, you will likely be unhappy. My recommendation is to seek counseling. Therapy may be able to correct many of your problematic behaviors and improve your ability to feel and express emotions. The “find help” tab at the top of this page can assist you in locating a therapist in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Husband Torn Between Parents & Wife

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband is a good guy. He is very positive and understanding. Only problem I have with him is that even though he loves me a lot, when anyone insults me ( like his parents or brother)n he just keeps mum. I do not yell at them either as I do not have the courage to face a fight. Also, it would only worsen the situation. Instead, if he spoke for him, they would be always forgive their son. They would also understand my feelings at some time. Since I have not expressed myself, I bottle up my anger and it reflects on my behaviour with them. Whereas at all times, my husband is a good boy in hteir eyes and I have become a bad girl! I feel very lonely and let down by my husband and is I loved him madly and could never tolerate any kind of blame on him form my people. I would fiht tooth and nail to rpove his inncocence wheras he just watches evrything and always asks me forgive and forget. Now, I feel that my love for him is coming down beacsue of this which is making me sad. PLs advice how to change him.

– Sad Wife

Dear Sad wife,

My guess is that your husband is caught between being a “good son” and a “good husband” and doesn’t know quite how to do both. From his point of view, he risked his family’s disapproval when he married you. In that sense, he has already very much taken your side. On the other hand, he doesn’t want to fight with his family, so he lets comments slide

Your problem is not that he doesn’t stand up for you. Your problem is that you are agreeing with the idea that there is a contest for his loyalty. In that sense, you are helping his family keep your husband in the middle of a conflict that is probably very painful for him.

Real love doesn’t require people to choose between the people they love. Even though your in-laws are doing that to your husband, you don’t have to do the same thing. A much better way to return your husband’s love is to drop your end of the conflict and instead focus on your good fortune in finding a good guy who loves you a lot. (Most of my mail comes from women who would envy you.) Calmly, let your husband know that although his family’s comments hurt you, you understand what a difficult position he’s in. Instead of demanding that he fight for you, work together to figure out ways to win his family over. Show respect for them and find ways to make positive connections with them. They can’t be all bad. They did raise the fine man you married.

Once his family understands that they won’t lose their son because he married you, they may eventually change their behavior. But even if they don’t, you will make things better by relieving the stress on your husband and by refusing to let the negativity of others put a shadow on a good marriage.
I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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More scared of driving instructor than driving

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

After the first lesson I had with my driver instructor, I cried in my room for a long time. I’m not usually I crier, but after that lesson, I never felt more ashamed of myself. My instructor did not seem at all welcoming. Before we even started the car, I could tell by her attitude that she did not want to be there. While I was driving she made many remarks about how I was going to slow at 15mph. I agree that I was going to slow and was trying my best to speed up, but she seemed very irritated. She directed me to drive into an area I had never been to and at the stoplight she asked me to turn left. However, I was confused by the many lanes of traffic that I didn’t really know which direction to go. As I was trying to follow her instructions, she got more frustrated and even yelled “are you lost!?”, in a condescending tone. For the whole lesson I remained very quiet hoping that she wouldn’t yell at me anymore. Near the end of my lesson, she told me pull up near a curb and back up 50 feet. Since the car was moving very slow, I asked “should I put some gas on it”. She immedately stomped her brake on the car and sternly told me “No, these cars weren’t made to fast in reverse”. The way she said it seemed like I shouldn’t have asked the question in the first place. I continued to feel more and more nervous about driving around her. Even though after every lesson she said I did a good job and improved, I could help but feel sad. I’ve had 6 lessons with her and she’s always had to yell at me when I made a mistake. I wish she could just find a gentler way of asserting her point to me without being so hostile.

The real problem is that I’ve been feeling more anxious and stressed out even when I don’t see her. Every now and then I remember flashbacks of our lessons and how she scolded at me or made a sarcastic comment about my driving. I’ve even had reccuring dreams about her yelling at me.

The truth is that I do enjoy driving; I love to drive with my dad. In fact, I think I’m getting better and better each time. However, whenever I drive with my instructor, I always tense up, I fear she’s going to lash out at me. I would quit lessons, but I already put a large deposit for 10 of them. What should I do?

What you should do is fire the instructor and stick with your dad. You are the customer. You hired her to teach you. Whether she is too judgmental or you two are simply a bad student-teacher match, it’s not working. You have a right to end lessons with her and to ask for a refund. If yours is a state where you get a break on the cost of insurance if you have gone through a certified drivers’ ed program, then ask for a different instructor. Learning to drive is scary enough without being scared of the teacher. You need to be focused on the road, not on your feelings. If you can’t be assertive about this, ask your dad to help you. You don’t want to waste more of those lessons in this situation.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Lonely and Depressed in New Town

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am sometimes happy, then lonely and depressed. Let me start by saying, I am 21 and very happy most of the time. I will have days where I am singing and whistling, where I feel like I have the best life. Then there are days like today. I will give a bit of back story. I just moved to Chicago from Michigan. It is the first time I have lived on my own outside my parents home. I came for a job and eventually school. I was happy at home, but felt it was high time I got out and learned who I was on my own. I was kind of stuck in a rut in Michigan and felt like I had no time to figure out my own life. So now I have just moved here. I will only have been here a month come the 2nd of August. I love my job, my apartment and the point in my life I’m in. It feels like I have found my place. But then I wake up like I did today. I wake up feeling lonely, lost, sad and like I want to cry for no reason. I am not really home sick because I talk to my family every day. I don’t miss being home… but I think I miss human interaction. At home I was the social person who loved asking how people where and giving hugs. I was always a very touchy feely person. Now here, I don’t know anyone. I have no friends and have had no physical contact for a month. I want so badly to make friends but I have no idea how to start. It is always very easy to chat with people at a store and talking for the first time with them is no problem. It’s the next step I can’t seem to know what to do. How do you turn someone you chat with at a store into a friend. When I think about asking someone out for a drink or something like that, I start thinking very self deprecating things. Like, why would they want to become friends with me, they probably have lots of them. They are probably just talking with me to be nice. I can’t seem to get those thoughts out of my head. I have also started thinking that my friends back home don’t even miss me. I don’t hear from them that much and I doubt if I really was even their friend, or if we just got together because we knew each other for so long. The friends I had, I have had for more then 10 years. I really don’t have any new friends that I would consider to be close friends. I have people that I got together with every now and then, but I never felt that closeness. I wonder if thats because of me. I just don’t know how to start building that friend base again. And how to stop thinking those hurtful things about myself. I have the same problem with boyfriends. I am 21… and have never had a boyfriend. I have been asked out by men in the past, ones I have even likes, but I could never go out with them. I even have several dating site profiles with men asking me out and I can never take the next step to do it. I am so afraid they will reject me. That they will be disappointed with what they see when they meet me. That they will look at me and then just stay for the date because they have to. I am so sick out doubting myself. I am not a bad looking person I don’t think, but I can’t ever really believe that. I can’t believe that someone else would find me even good looking. I just want to be content with myself. I am content with my life in all other things but those two. Relationships with friends and relationships with boyfriends. What should I do?

I think you have correctly indentified the main problem, which is that you are lonely, and you have yet to develop relationships in your new town. An additional issue is that you are doubting yourself. Continued negative self-talk is leading to diminished self-confidence. If it continues, you risk being trapped in a cycle of self-doubt and a lack of self-confidence.

How can you prevent this? Try to override the negative self-talk and force yourself to begin interacting with people. You have the ability to connect with others. The proof is that you have a long history of successful relationships with many people.

It is important to be as logical as possible. You are new in town. You left your hometown, where you lived for 21 years. You have been in your new town for a very short time. It takes time to meet new people and to develop relationships. It would be incorrect to conclude that just because you haven’t yet connected with others, you won’t ever do so. I believe it is simply a matter of time. Remind yourself of that when you are evaluating your current situation.

If you continue to have difficulty, you may want to see a therapist for a few sessions. Connecting with a therapist would help you to see your experience from the correct perspective. In addition, he or she can help you to maintain objectivity in this situation. The therapist may also have ideas for how you can meet new friends. It takes time to adjust to a new living situation and the support of a therapist might help to make this easier. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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