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Second Marriage

My Boyfriend Already Has Kids, Will Children with Me Mean as Much to Him?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker December 8th, 2022

From a young woman in the U.S.: My boyfriend has three children ( two teenagers and an elementary school age kid), I know he loves me more than he loved his ex wife, but I worry because I want children. Every time his kids are over or about to come over, he gets annoyed and wants them to leave. He loves them, but doesn’t ever want to be around them and has said things like “I don’t enjoy being a father”. His kids all like me and I like them well enough, even though its hard that they are walking reminders that he loved someone else enough to have three kids with (and one of them is pretty young, so that’s especially hard to reconcile with).

I have talked to my boyfriend about my concerns, but every time I say something like “you wouldn’t want a family with me” he gets really defensive and insists that he does. It seems that he just wants to make me happy, but that’s not enough for me. I want him to want our kids too.

I also worry that having kids with me won’t be as exciting since he has already done the kid thing 3 times. It makes me extremely sad to think about him being underwhelmed by a child when to me, being a first time parent would be the most exciting new experience ever. I just think I would be devastated if I were to say something like “OMG look our baby just” and for him to respond with something like “yeah babies do that a lot”.

I love my boyfriend so much and want him to be the father of my kids but I just have so many concerns and I feel rushed, since he is much older than me. I feel like I have to make a decision right now and don’t have time to date other people/ I don’t want to lose him.

It’s a truism that the best predictor of how someone will behave in a situation is what they have done in the past. Your boyfriend says that he doesn’t enjoy being a father. I think you should take him at his word. His lack of interest in the kids he already has is a red flag. If you don’t mind being a single mom in a marriage, you could go ahead and have a baby. But don’t expect him to be an involved father.

You are doing the right thing by asking what life will be like if you decide to build a family with your boyfriend. However much you love him now, it’s important to be projecting into the future. His other 3 children will always be in your life. They will be your “first children” even though you didn’t birth them. If you continue in your relationship with their father, they need and deserve your caring and interest as another important person in their lives.

The age difference between you and their father is also likely to be a problem when it comes to parenting. Because you are only 23, it is unlikely his kids (who range in age from elementary school age to teens) will see you as a stepmother. “Co-parenting” those kids with your boyfriend will have many challenges, especially since their dad isn’t really interested in being a father to them. How gracefully you are accepted into their lives will depend to some extent on their mother’s attitude towards you. Ideally, she will be willing and able to cooperate with you and their father on doing what is best for the kids, regardless of her feelings toward their father.

In my opinion, it would be wise for you to slow down and take the time to think through whether you are willing to take on the challenges that will come with marrying your boyfriend. It takes more than love to make a lasting marriage. It takes having similar values and goals and a commitment to a shared idea of what makes a family. I don’t have enough information to judge whether that is the case with the two of you. But the fact that you are asking your question leads me to believe that maybe you two aren’t in agreement. I’m also concerned that you may not have talked enough about how you will be as a step-family.

You think you don’t have time to date other people. Why not? You are only 23! The average age of marriage for women in the U.S. is now 28. That’s an average. That means at least half of the women are over 28 when they marry.

Most young women your age are exploring and experimenting with relationships. They aren’t interested in rushing into marriage. They want to know more about who they are and what they want and need in a partner. Taking the time to become a mature adult results in more stable and long-lasting marriages.

The age of first pregnancy is also on the rise, with the national average approaching 30. Women are delaying having children until they feel their relationship is solid and they have the emotional maturity and financial security to parent as they would like.

You have plenty of time! I hope you will take that step back. If you need to talk this through, do consider seeing a therapist for a few sessions. A therapist can hear your whole story (not just a short letter) and will provide a safe and supportive place for you to carefully consider how you want to live your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

December 8, 2022 0 comment

My Husband Does Not Seem to Like My Son

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 25th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My second husband does not seem to like my son. My son is 16. We have been married 7 years. We have 2 sons together a 1 and 6 year old. He doesn’t say much to my son. He does not say many negative things to him, but he constantly complains to me. He complains over simple issues like he drank all the soda.

It is always something. It does not seem my son can do anything right in his eyes. I have told him several times I don’t like how negative he is about him, but he just says I like him and I am not negative about him. The constant complaining makes me so miserable. When my son is with his father everything runs smooth at home but as soon as my son gets home it starts.

I can see how differently he feels about my son compared to our sons. It is really hard for me. I have a friend that tells me that even though my husband does not say negative things to him that my son feels the difference. I am sure he does. I have thought about leaving several times but then I worry about how a divorce would effect my other kids. Or is the negativity unhealthy for all of us.

For some people, the existence of the child from a former relationship is a constant reminder that their partner once had another lover and another life. They would like to erase that past but can’t due to the presence of the child. On a more primitive level, male animals often won’t accept the offspring of other males and drive them out of the herd in an instinctive effort to only pass on their own bloodline.

People can and do get past that primitive behavior and open their hearts and minds to children who are not their own biological kids. All this is a long way around to saying that I think that the problem here is that your husband hasn’t adopted your son. He may not be aware of it, but his behavior seems to show that he’s trying to drive him from the herd. Of course your son knows it and is hurt by it.

Your husband needs help understanding the need for an “adoption” to take place. I’m not talking about a legal adoption. Your son does have an involved biological dad. But there is room for the boy to have two men in his life who care about him, teach him, and help him develop into all he can be.

Rather than be angry at your husband, try to have a conversation with him about what it is that gets in his way of being a positive role model and caring adult in your son’s life. Is there something you or your ex is doing that is an obstacle? Has he really thought about his role as being important to the boy’s self-esteem and growth? Has he embraced the fact that the boy is related to him by blood in that he is his sons’ brother?

If that conversation becomes too difficult, I hope you will try some couples counseling before you visit a lawyer. This is not an uncommon problem. It can usually be addressed so that all relationships in the family improve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 25, 2021 0 comment

Mother is negative about everything and alienating the family

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker July 24th, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am writing you because I do not know what else to do. I am a 26 year old female who recently left her home and family to make a family of her own. My father and brother both commited suicide, my father when I was 10 and my brother when I was 24. I have a sister who is my best friend but my mother is the issue. My mother was always very compassionate, empathetic and loving but after her divorce from her second marriage, she cares about nothing. She is disabled and has very little money, no job, no partner and suffers from depression. I am getting married next month and had mentioned that I would like to celebrate my marriage with just my fiancee and myself. My mother was very upset with me and refused to talk to me for 3 days. My fiancee and myself then planned a small wedding including 30 guests, fancy wedding and a reception. As the wedding came closer I couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed and the realization that my father and brother would not be there was heavy on my heart. I began crying everyday thinking about my wedding and how its simplicty was lost in stupid things like what color the napkins should be and how large the cake should be. I know that deep down I really just wanted to have a wedding completely focused on my marriage vows and really focus on the love that my fiancee and I share. I finally got the courage to ask my mother for her advise and help with being so upset. She laughed at me and told me I was just like my father (who never liked to be the center or attention and I am indeed like him in that way) and that I needed to suck it up and shut up about it. I told her that the reason I was miserable was because I had planned my entire wedding putting her first by including everyone and making it like every other American wedding and did not listen to my heart. She laughed at me when I told her this and says she doesnt even remember being upset about it and genuine said she really doesnt care. I want to tell my mother how much this hurts me and how she is alienating herself from her entire family but I am scared because she has mentioned suicide before and I feel that she does not have anything in her life that she feels is important or that she cares about. She is currently taking medication for depression and only has negative words to say when I speak with her. What should I do?

First, and most important: Congratulations on your marriage to a man you truly love. Please don’t let the wedding overshadow what’s really important. A wedding takes hours. A marriage should be for a lifetime. If the family wedding is something you’re doing for others, I do suggest that you and your fiance also have your own private ceremony that is just for you where you can focus on your love and your vows. You can go to a justice of the peace or the two of you can simply go to some beautiful spot and repeat your vows to each other.

I’m so, so sorry about your losses which now number three: Your father, your brother, and your mother. You’ve “lost” your mother, at least for now, to her depression. Please don’t listen to her words. The things she said about your wedding are the depression talking. Like you, she has lost two people she loved. Unlike you, she hasn’t found a way to move forward. My guess is that the laughter isn’t about ridicule or amusement. It’s a cover for anxiety and pain. I’m very concerned that she has talked about suicide. If you can, see if you can go with her to talk to whoever is prescribing for her. The prescriber needs to know how serious her symptoms are. She may not be as forthcoming as she could be. Further, she needs more than medication. She needs a therapist to provide additional support and guidance during this difficult time.

It’s just true that sometimes when people need help the most, they push it away. It may be helpful to organize some of your closest relatives to support your mom. Make an appointment for a consultation with a mental health professional to help you all understand effective ways to help her. I can’t guarentee it will work but I think you’ll feel better if you know you’ve tried everything possible.

Please remember that you carry your father and brother with you in your heart. It’s tragic that the only way they could figure out to end their pain was to suicide. Like your mother, they were too caught in their own feelings to think about how their actions might affect you and the others who loved them. To me, that means that their pain was very big, not that their love for you was too small. I hope you can focus on positive memories and celebrate that your father lives on in the ways you are like him.

I wish you and your family well.
Dr. Marie

September 17, 2011 0 comment