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Friend Has Overtaken Home, Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My partner and I have been together for 6 years now, we have had a good relationship. We have a house together and we have plans for the future. A year ago he agreed to let a friend of his move in with us temporarily because he was injured and could not work. This was only supposed to be for a few months. In the first months with us he lived on welfare and was a slob. I was patient and once he was able to get a job the three of us agreed he was going to pay a modest rent every month. He lost his job shortly afterwards and continued to live with us for basically free for some time until he finally found more work. By that time he owed us quite a bit of money in bills. He would spend his money on booze and video games instead of paying his share of the bills and never put a lot of effort to finding a good job he could support himself on.
I started getting fed up a few months ago and discussed with my spouse several times that his friend needs to smarten up or leave. Every time my spouse would confront his friend about money he owes us or his playing video games all day, he would make stupid excuses or claim that he was trying. He would also try to bring up things I was supposedly doing wrong instead of just admitting he’s done anything wrong himself. I believe he is manipulative and lazy and is just trying to continue to not have any responsibility and get a free ride. He accused me of trying to starve him out recently.

He has now been living with us for a year and two months. He owes us close to a grand in over due bills. Every time I approach my spouse about this he says I’m being selfish and heartless for wanting to get rid of his friend and that im being a nag. He says that he feels equally upset but is trying to do the right thing. Meanwhile he is just being played by someone who is supposed to be his friend. My spouse has actually given his friend several warnings with deadlines and conditions but eventually lets it go. Which is I’m sure why his friend continues to do not follow through.
We had one huge fight about it a few weeks ago after which I let it go for a while because my spouse was having work problems and had additional stress. Since then nothing has changed.

Essentially for the last while I have started to question our relationship. I catch myself thinking about leaving him or what it would be like to be on my own. I’m worried that I have emotionally checked myself out of the relationship and that my spouse does not understand my needs or feelings, or realizes he is being played. It makes me feel like he is more concerned about his friend than about our relationship. Even though I’ve told him many times that I am not okay with our situation. I keep wondering if he is right? Am I being selfish? Am I wrong about this ? I don’t want to lose our relationship. I do love my partner, but I can’t help but thinking that leaving is my only option to get him to wake up. I have not told him I’ve thought about leaving yet. I’m also worried that if I leave he won’t try to reconcile at all. I just don’t know what the right thing to do is. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

Thank you

What a disappointment your partner must be to you at this point. You’re right that the problem is not with the moocher who is living off you. Your problem is in your relationship. The fact that you are worried that if you leave, your boyfriend won’t work to get you back is a huge red flag. Your instincts are that he cares more about the relationship with his friend than he does about your feelings. Either that, or he is so afraid of conflict with anyone except you that he can’t bring himself to deal with the so-called friend who is using you both.

From what you’ve said, you’ve been more than generous in your efforts to help a friend. After over a year of tolerating his behavior, it’s way past time for him to move on – either to be on his own or to go to his family or another friend. You’ve done more than enough. Chances are you will never see what he owes you. It is one of those hard lessons about why boundaries and written contracts are important when loaning other people money.

I suggest you sit your spouse down and tell him clearly that you’re done. If he won’t hear you, there is one other option besides immediately moving out. You can tell him that if he won’t go to a couples counselor to sort things out, you will see a lawyer about how to separate amicably. A couples counselor may be able to help you two figure out what went so wrong and how to reclaim your relationship. If you still love him, it’s at least worth a try.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Does My Partner Have Schizophrenia?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think my partner may be experiencing Schizophrenia or something similar. Before I met my girlfriend she had been diagnosed with depression and general anxiety disorder. Within the last year she has stopped taking her medication (Paxil) because she felt it was no longer helping her. In fact her episodes of depression seemed to be worse. A month and a half ago we moved to Toronto and since that time she has been complaining about people we don’t know (customers at a local restaurant behind our house) are laughing at her and know what she’s been writing about in her journal. Furthermore she has, for the last four weeks, been complaing about people sending her sexually perverse images and sounds into her head. She can hear moaning, animals screaming, children begging not to do something, and a man with a deep voice bitching at a woman to stop. During this time she has been even more sexually insatiable than normal. She complains of being constantly sexually stimulated or abused by people who are just not here. At one point she claimed that it was people using magic (a cult of satanists, or pagans). She complains of feeling that she is not complete, that some part of her is where these practioners of magic (or whoever is responsible for this stimulation) are. She has on a few occasions asked, no begged, me to help her kill herself because of this unending torture. I have found her with a cable wrapped around her neck several times as if she had just tried to strangle herself. At first she believed that the people responsible were here in the neighborhood but now believes that they are further away and taking that part of her that is missing with them. Could you shed some light on this for me?

Thank you,
A concerned boyfriend

Dear concerned boyfriend, I can understand why you’re worried. Your girlfriend’s symptoms are severe. The most concerning aspect of her behavior is that on several occasions you found her with a cable wrapped around her neck ready to end her life. It does not seem as if she’s depressed. It’s as if she’s being driven to behave in such a manner by her delusions, paranoia and hallucinations.

Her symptoms may be indicative of a schizophrenia or bipolar-like disorder. It may also be a generalized psychosis. It’s difficult to diagnose an individual over the Internet so I can’t know with certainty.

If I could ask you followup questions I would want to know what, if anything precipitated her symptoms. Was there a stressful event that had recently occurred? Was there a recent trauma in her life? Did something in her life recently change? Was there a death in the family, loss of a job, or a move to a new town or city? Does she use illegal drugs or alcohol? Has she had a recent head injury? If I knew this information I might be better able to determine what is causing her abnormal behavior.

You also mentioned that she has recently stopped taking Paxil. Though it is rare, there are some occasions when abruptly stopping a medication causes a negative reaction. Usually these negative reactions are more commonly associated with other medications such as antipsychotics and not necessarily antidepressants. As I’ve mentioned, it’s rare but it’s possible that her behavior is the result of the discontinuation of Paxil.

Has she been to a doctor? It is unsafe for her to be left alone while she is in the condition you have described. This is evidenced by the fact that she has made multiple attempts to end her life.

Please do not ignore or avoid this problem. My advice is to bring her to an emergency room or to make an immediate appointment with a mental health clinician. She needs to be evaluated as soon as possible. Do not leave her unsupervised. Please let me know if there are any other questions I can answer for you.

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Intense Feelings Cause Worry

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Since I was in high school I have suffered from depression. I always thought so little of myself and how can others possibly like me? I kept few friends and had quite a few boyfriends. I had a boyfriend for about 7 years. I always had this intense feeling that he was cheating on me when he was not with me. Deep down I knew that he wasn’t, as he loved me dearly. But I couldn’t shake this feeling. We had sex pretty early in the relationship, he was my first partner. I found out after that I was not his first and I felt betrayed. After that I went on to cheat on him several times, sleeping with a few different men, just one night stands. I didn’t think clearly, I didn’t even protect myself. Luckily through all of it I didn’t get pregnant or contract an STD. My partner put up with me for all those years knowing that I had cheating on him, thinking that I could be a better person. But I just couldn’t see myself as a good person.

Eventually after losing my job, I sat around for months not doing anything. He left me stating it was for my own good and I needed help. He still loved me, but he wanted me to get better. Years later I am now married to a wonderful guy. But I still get these intense feelings about things that should not matter. Such as, he likes a photo of a female celebrity on facebook. I get furious with him. Again, deep down I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it! When things are going great I feel so connected to him and want to feel that way all the time. But something so little just makes me snap and hate him. I don’t want to feel this way, I know it’s irrational. But I don’t know what to do.

I have always reacted very strongly to things. In school when I would get in trouble, sent to detention. I would start crying because I felt like scum, I felt like I was this worthless being. When I would make a comment to someone and they took it bad and hurt their feelings I would feel like I needed to punish myself for it. Sometimes by cutting myself, once with a broken bottle I found nearby. Even now at work, if I get in trouble for something that isn’t even that bad, I feel worthless, like I don’t deserve to live.

I can’t stand living with these intense feelings anymore. I want to be happy, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Your intense feelings might stem from jealousy. Individuals who experience jealousy are insecure. This insecurity comes from a lack of confidence. Jealousy is ultimately the lack of self-esteem. In relationships, it can be severely damaging. Jealous individuals see others, and in your case pictures of others, as being a threat.

You described yourself as being highly sensitive and there are times when you feel as though you are a “worthless being.” You also feel the need to punish yourself when you do something wrong. It’s also concerning that you sometimes don’t have the desire to live.

At the core of these issues may be depression. Individuals with depression do not think highly of themselves. They often see themselves as being unlovable and unworthy of love. They minimize their positive attributes and maximize their negative attributes.

These problems can be easily corrected with psychotherapy. Depression is highly treatable. Millions of individuals deal with self-confidence problems and have had great success with psychotherapy. I would highly recommend it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Is Fiance Mentally Ill?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been dating my boyfriend (age 31) on and off for almost 3 years. Most of the time we have a very loving, affectionate and deeply connected, positive relationship. However, several times a year we go through shorter periods of extremely rocky times that seem to be triggered by his stress level surrounding change or physical discomfort (ex: when he gets sick, when he broke his finger, when he considered switching jobs, etc.). Most of the time, his triggers are centered around things that would bring anyone & everyone extra stress that may affect their mood or disposition, but his behavior often escalates to an extreme level that most people do not see as an appropriate reaction to the situation. His anger becomes explosive, his OCD tendencies become extreme (he freaked out on me for not noticing cracker crumbs on the carpet & failing to pick them up immediately), he begins to find a way to blame everything “wrong” on me or generally put me down constantly for insignificant things (my stuffy nose from allergies is disgusting & I need to do something about it or else tell him how sorry I am he has to see my tissues on the bedside table) as well make me feel badly about my own negative personality traits that he would usually accept openly in the past & help me work to improve (my anxiety, tendency to be late, etc.). He will also criticize me constantly for not “being there” for him like he thinks I should or “taking care of him” well enough. This angry and hateful behavior can and often will quickly switch to him becoming overly affectionate, loving and needy, whenever he senses that I am at my breaking point during these bad periods of time. The worst part is, when I try to address it his irrational behavior when I feel safe to do so, because he is in one of his softer, more open moods, he switches back to “mean mode” and turns it on me to make me feel crazy or he acts like nothing happened at all and barely reacts to my attempt at a serious conversation unless it is in a joking/jovial manner.

Currently, we are in the midst of an extremely bad patch – the worst yet. I know this has been triggered by my accidental pregnancy & our subsequent decision to get married & have the baby. Obviously, this situation would stress anyone out, but when he is lucid he is so excited and cannot wait to start a family & claims he was going to propose to me soon anyway. He still expresses his joy over the baby & our future & swears he has no reservations, etc.- but he began taking out his stress & anger on an “imagined” financial strain due to our pending additional costs of having a child. I say, “imagined” because just like anyone having a baby, we have to make some financial changes, but we are very comfortable & able to financially manage all of this without too much problem. I have tried to be very understanding of his financial worries, imagined and/or real, but it seems he just wants to use this as a scapegoat (claiming he cannot marry me until I stop spending X amount on clothing, or I will be a bad mother if I cannot sacrifice what he deems to be “expensive” beauty products – all changes I am willing to make for his comfort level, but when I try to explain I cannot have him yelling at me for buying a pack of socks he freaks out even more).

His irrational reactions to stressful situations is the very reason we have ever been “off” in our relationship – I ended our relationship about a year ago for several months over similar circumstances & believe I would do the same thing for the last time now, if not for our unborn baby. I want to make this work more than anything now & I do still love him deeply, just not this part of him.

I have had several psychiatric professionals who are friends or family members suggest his symptoms sound like a personality disorder, maybe even specifically BPD. After reading a lot on the subject, I agree. However, I cannot force him to see this & get help as he is in major denial right now & truly believes I am the one who has gone insane. Any suggestions on how to get him the help he desperately needs?

Thank you for your detailed explanation of the situation. I think the current conditions may be favorable for a consult with a couples therapist. The fact that the two of you are on the threshold of becoming parents can usher in a need for future planning, not the least of which should be how to cope with the stress that comes with the care for a newborn. I would not push the agenda that he is the one with the issue, but rather identify that you are feeling it would be helpful for both of you to go in together to see someone. This will allow for three things: First it makes it a we, not a you, thing which is easier to negotiate; second, it promotes future planning rather than past errors; and finally it has the well-being of your new child at the core. The find help tab at the top of the page will guide you to someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Double take: Living in the past

by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D.
written by Marie Hartwell-Walker, Ed.D. and Daniel J. Tomasulo, Ph.D.

When I was in high school (over 10 years ago) I fell in with this boy. It was love at first sight. We never dated. We were never close friends. We had some classes together and I felt this connection to him and I thought that he felt it too.However, nothing ever happened. After we graduated, I had this idea that one day we will meet again and we will end up together. Shortly after high school, he found a girlfriend and they have been together ever since. Due to some mutual friends I always knew what was going on in his life. He had a tumoltuous relationship with that girl and several times they were breaking up and making up. I never wanted to interfere while he was with her. I guess I was hoping that once they break up for good there would be a way for us to be together. I never really made any steps to make anything happen. Also, I’ve been regretting that I wasn’t more upfront with him when we were both still in high school. Now, it’s been more than 10 years and he is always in my mind, He is not married yet, however, I’ve heard that he wants to propose and marry that girl. Meanwhile I have been with somebody as well. When I met my current partner (6years ago) he was mostly my friend and although we were going out I always thought that this relationship would eventually end. When he proposed to me 2 years ago I said no. However, 2 years later i married him mainly due to his legal status and him being in a desperate situation. We have been married now for 2 years and I still think everyday about my first love. My husband loves me and many times I told him that I’m not in love with him. I never had an orgasm with him. Now, I guess I feel that I’m in a desperate situation knowing that my “first love” will be getting married. I can’t let go of the past. I’ve read many books about obsession in love but I don’t think that I am obsessed, I believe that I am truly in love with my first love. You might say that how well can I know him since I had no person-person contact with him for so many years, but I believe I truly know him on an emotional level. I thought about getting in touch with him, however, I always thought the situation would be very unnatural. I guess I have always thought that we would have an opportunity to meet and reconnect but I never wanted to force it. ALso, because I am now legally married that presents an issue. I tried many times to stop thinking about him but it seems hopeless. I can’t forget him and yet I cannot be with him.

“The only abnormality is the incapacity to love.” Anais Nin.
I believe that you believe you are deeply in love. My reality is that your love only exists in the very safe world of your own head. You’ve never tested it out. You’ve never given yourself over emotionally or physically to someone who can love you back. This strikes me as very, very sad. When a fantasy is this strong, it generally means that there is an equally strong fear lurking in the background. For ten years, you have deprived yourself of true love and romance, even to the extent that you are pushing away your husband’s love and affection. I have to wonder why you are so afraid of love’s reality that you would rather settle for unrealistic daydreams about a man who probably doesn’t know you exist. Of course you haven’t had an orgasm! To enjoy sex requires being present and giving yourself over to emotions that you only allow yourself in dreams. Of course you believe yourself to be truly in love. Otherwise it would be too painful to face the loneliness you’ve created for yourself.

Unrequited love may be the stuff of romantic poems but it’s ultimately not very satisfying in life. I suspect that you wrote to us here at PC because somewhere inside you are waking up to the fact that time is marching on. You are getting older but have yet to experience real love.

I suggest you ask yourself, “What will I start thinking about if I accept the fact that my emotional connection is a myth and this guy will never, ever be interested in me?” The first thing that comes to mind is probably a hint about what you are afraid of. Stay with the thought if you can tolerate it. Just note it if you can’t. This is the material you could bring to a therapist. Therapy would help you face your fears. If that idea terrifies you, then therapy will help you take things one step at a time until you can.

Dr. Dan’s take

“The love that lasts the longest is the love that is never returned.”
William Somerset Maugham (English short-story Writer, Novelist and Playwright, 1874-1965)

This is a very interesting situation. Here is the way I see it:

  1. You are in a relationship that you don’t want to be in.
  2. This was a marriage that you didn’t want, but decided to go ahead with anyway.
  3. The love from the past was never acted on.
  4. Opportunities existed for you to act on that love were not taken.
  5. You say you knew everything about what was happening to is other person, but don’t mention if he knew anything about you.
  6. Right now you are in a relationship you don’t want with a person you don’t love — wishing you were with a person that doesn’t know that you have loving feelings.

Each situation leaves you in the exact same space: wanting and not having. I believe the real issue here is your core thoughts about intimacy. Intimacy sounds like something that you desire and from which you are blocked. With your husband you are with a man who is available and yet don’t want him. With your fantasy lover you want him but he is not available. Each situation leaves you in the same place: unfulfilled.

I would recommend spending a bit more time alone. I am not suggesting you ignore your husband or your fantasy. But I am recommending sitting with the core struggle of wanting and not having. This dynamic is likely to keep manifesting until it is possible for you to sort it through. The likely source is your family of origin. In situations like this there is one or both parents simultaneously available but unavailable in some way. Perhaps meditation and journaling to expose the core feelings and ambivalence will be helpful.

I couldn’t agree more with Marie on bringing this material to a therapist. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Anxiety about getting robbed and murdered

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

I have Bipolar Disorder and some anxiety issues that cause panic attacks when I get overwhelmed by people, noises, stress, worrying, etc. For some reason, I always think I am going to be harmed. When I was little I couldn’t watch the news because I would become upset and always think about the people who died.

Then after the attacks happened on 9/11, I was afraid a terrorist was going to come to my house and kill my family. Recently we thought someone might have tried to break into the garage. There is no lock on the door that leads to the house. Now I cannot help but think we are going to get robbed and killed.

Every time I hear a noise, I think someone has broke in. I will be in the shower and my family will be in the living room and I am afraid that they will be dead when I get out. I get horrible images in my head of my mother with her throat cut open.

I have gotten to the point where I count certain things I am doing. I count tiles or the holes in my laundry basket. When I dry off with a towel, I count to five with each body part (this started recently). With my hair, I split it into seven parts and brush each five times (this just started recently.) After the break in issue, I catch myself checking to make sure the front and back door are locked several times a day. I don’t know if it is relevent but I have always been weird with food as well. If candy is colored, it is split up by color and eaten in a certain order. When I eat bread, I eat the top crust, the right crust, the bottom crust, the left crust, and then the middle. I get irritated if my food is touching and I have to split it up before I can eat it.

What is wrong with me?

Hello and thank you for your question:

It sounds like you are having an awful time, but there are a few different issues going on here and I will try to address them separately.

First, you mention the fear of being harmed or killed. That’s a pretty common fear among adolescents, especially today (I will get back to this question below). You are a teenager now, so that would have made you about 8 years old when 9/11 happened, right?  You were old enough to understand that something awful was happening but not quite old enough to understand that the government and individuals were working extremely hard to protect us.

We were all frightened, but it was especially necessary to assure our children that they were going to be OK, whether we as adults believed it or not. I saw dozens of children in my office back then, for this very reason. Doctors needed to help the families deal with the fear and to help calm their frightened children.

Children should never watch the news. In fact, I often tell adults not to watch it, or at the very least not watch it at bedtime. Why? Because it never changes. Think about it: someone has been shot, there’s been an accident, somewhere there’s been bad weather, the government is trying to fix a problem, and some celebrity has done something stupid. Again.  Never changes.  Just the names and the locations. September 11th was actually an exception. In that case, I told people to stop watching the news 24/7, because the news kept repeating the same images all day long.

There is nothing healthy on the news. Just bad stuff that causes fear and nightmares. I found that I never miss what is going on, even if I don’t see the news. Someone will always tell me what is new. It never fails.  So, first consider how much news you are watching now. Cut it by at least half. That includes the Internet.

You also talk about being harmed or robbed. This often stems from a traumatic event which you fear will happen again, or, it can come from the overall feeling that you are not safe. Ask your parents to put a lock on the door that leads from the garage to the house. There should be one there in any case. Even the police would recommend that.

I don’t know that this will help, but most robbers are not interested in hurting people. They only want to get in, take stuff and leave quickly. Killing is never part of the deal, and most are unarmed. That’s a well known fact. Invite the police to check your house for safety. They can tell you if you are generally safe or not.

Don’t watch CSI, Law & Order, or any of those other gruesome shows that depict violence and gore. They aren’t good for you to watch. Those are fiction. You don’t need help creating scenes in your head. Don’t watch shows that are about true crime, either. They are only on TV because they were especially violent. Not good for you.

Finally, you mention counting and sorting your food. This sort of behavior also comes from the fear of not being safe or in control. The more you count or check (or sort), the safer you think you will feel. Actually, it usually has the opposite effect. The more you count, the more unsure you are that you counted. Sound familiar?

OK, here’s what I suggest after all of this. Talk with your psychiatrist about your fears and anxiety. Perhaps he can adjust your medications. Second, if you are not seeing a therapist who specializes in adolescent issues, find one and ask your parents to take you there. They can honestly give you strategies that will reduce your fear and counting and help you return to a normal life. Third, if you are not already keeping a journal, start one. Write when you are upset, scared or worried. Write when you are happy or sad. But write. Take it in to your doctor and show him passages if you like. But, don’t keep these fears inside. Most of them are pretty normal for your age group, but you might want some help from a professional to sort them out. You can go to our website Find A Therapist to locate one in your area.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Confused and Scared

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Help me please!
Hi, i think i have loads of disorders and theres something really wrong with me but i dont know what. I have been and still am bulemic im 14, 5ft 6, 120 lbs and UK size 6. see i am fat as. I really hate being this fat and cant eat in front of people im sick whenever i eat and hate everything.

But im also really loud, i can never stop talking loudly as when its quiet i get really scared and paranoid, i repeat stuff several times and always seem to have something i need to tell anyone. I have to repeat stuff several times and end up isolating myself as i hate being on my own so much.

I have thought bout suicide loads but at the moment cant bring myself to do it . Please help tell me what i have or how i can stop. Thank you.

Thank you very, very much for writing. You certainly do have lots of troubles. I can’t tell you for sure what exactly is wrong since I don’t have enough information. I do hear that you are unhappy and confused and scared and way too concerned about being fat. That’s enough for me to know that you are trying to handle far too much.

You didn’t mention whether you have told your parents or if you are in any kind of treatment. If at all possible, you should involve your folks. You need support and love to get through this. If you don’t have parents or if you don’t have parents who are helpful, please find another adult to talk to who can help you find the right kind of help.

If you are not seeing a counselor, it’s time you did. Look for a counselor who specializes in working with teens. If you’re already in counseling but it isn’t working, think about whether you are giving your counselor a chance. Have you shared everything that you told me? Are you thinking hard about what you talk about together? If you are doing your best and you still don’t think your counselor is right for you, ask to transfer to someone else. Feeling that your counselor can understand and help you is important if therapy is to be successful.

Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and suicidal, there is a helpline in the UK you can contact called ChildLine. You can talk to the people at ChildLine about anything at any time. No problem is too big or too small.

Here’s a section from their website:
If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can call ChildLine.
Some of the things that people phone about are feeling lonely or unloved, worries about their future, problems about school, bullying, drugs, pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, physical and sexual abuse, running away and concerns about parents, brothers, sisters and friends, and crimes against them.

Whatever your worry, large or small, we’re here to offer advice and support. When you are ready. Call ChildLine on 0800 1111.

Please take steps to take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Do I Stop Fighting with My Parents?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Up until recently, I’ve had a great relationship with my parents. I’m currently in my last year of university, and I’m trying to figure out what the next step in my life will be. I have applied to graduate school and have been accepted at one school and wait-listed at a second. I realized during the application process that the school that has accepted me is not a good fit for my personality or my academic and career goals. I’m not certain that a PhD program is what I want anymore, anyway–especially at a university that I’m not too keen on in the first place.

A lot has changed in my life lately, and I’ve recently returned from studying abroad and realized that there many more opportunities and avenues to pursue than I’d originally imagined. I’ve tried discussing these concerns with my parents, but whenever I do they either tell me to just go to grad school as planned, or they get scared that I’m throwing away an opportunity and will end up doing something that will screw up my life forever, which inevitably ends up in a long argument that leaves everyone angry.

I told my mother the other day that all I want is for them to trust that I will make informed decisions, follow my heart, and learn from any mistakes that I make. I understand that they want nothing less than the best for me, but over the years I’ve come to see that there are things about me that they will never understand because they’ve never experienced what I have. I’ve studied in a foreign country and have been abroad several times since I was a teenager; they’ve never left the United States. I’m trilingual, but they only speak English. I’m majoring in the sciences, but they’ve never set foot in a lab.

I’ve never disagreed with my parents over something this major before–even when I was in junior high and high school, we got along very well. Am I being immature or short-sighted for not wanting to go to a graduate school that I feel is not right for me? (For the record, I’m going to follow up my applications at the other universities I’ve applied to and seeing what happens there. Also, we’ve agreed from day 1 that they will not be paying for my graduate education–I will). I feel terrible knowing that I’ve scared and upset my parents, but I also know that I’m an adult and I need to what I feel is right for me and to accept the consequences of my choices. I want to have a good relationship with my parents, so what can I do to fix this?

Congratulations on your considerable achievements. From what you say, you are making some very mature and reasonable decisions about the direction you want to take. You’re probably right that your parents are frightened for you. The economy stinks. You have what seems to be a sure thing in the acceptance. They saw smooth sailing ahead for you and now you’re making waves.

But here’s the thing: At some point, every young adult has to separate in order to become a full adult. Sadly, that separation often seems to have to be done in anger. It doesn’t. You are not separating from loving your parents. You have no desire to drive a wedge that will be permanent. What you do want to do is to claim your own path. Since you are paying for your own graduate education, you do have the right and the responsibility to choose for yourself.

You can’t fix the conflict. But you can fix the anger. Stop arguing. Arguing gives the impression that you can be talked or argued out of a decision. Instead, emphasize that you love them very much and wish they’d give you their blessing. But be clear that your decision about what you study and the career you choose is yours to make. If your folks invite you to fight about it, simply restate that you love them and that you know they want the best for you but that you are clear about what you are going to do. Then change the subject to something you all enjoy. Be sure to express your appreciation to them for raising you to be the kind of person who has had the courage to travel abroad, the dedication to do so well academically, and the appreciation for the importance of family. They’ve raised you well but now it’s time for you to take on responsibility for yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why does he call me dirty names during sex?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I am a 56 year old female and my guy is 57. We have a relationship based on friendship with benefits. He doesn’t want any type of relationship that will result in commitment. So I have agreed to sleep with him because he is so kind and sweet to me outside the bedroom. The surprise came when we got into bed. He became a different person. He is very aggressive. He does not engage in any foreplay. Oh, and when I mentioned it, he corrected it by kissing me on the neck. Then he hopped on top of me and ask me if I am ready for him.

He is so much into himself. He thinks if I cum several times, then he has done his job.

My question: When I am on top of him, he calls me dirty names like bitch and slut. Why does he do this? Is it because I am a friend who is giving him what he wants without asking for anything in return? Or what? I did stop him when he called me those names and he only laughed. I don’t know what to do if he calls me those names again?

Thanks for putting this question out here. I think it is an important one because it highlights the issue of what is okay, and what isn’t.

At the risk of stating the obvious men typically have less of a nuanced sexual drive than women. But the solution can actually be quite simple. If you ask any man if he would like to know what would turn the woman he is with on, the unequivical answer would be ‘yes.’

According to Psychologist Dr. Brandy Engler, author of the book, The Men On My Couch: True Stories of Sex, Love, and Psychotherapy, guys’ bedroom behavior can be very revealing of where they’re at emotionally. According to Dr. Engler on Redbook’s website, “”Many women assume that men have biological needs that just have to be satisfied and that’s what makes up their entire motivation for sex,” says Dr. Engler. “Yet men are often taught it’s more accepted to express themselves sexually rather than emotionally, and so they project all kinds of things about themselves in the bedroom without even knowing it.” For example, if your guy is feeling powerless in your relationship — maybe after losing his job and no longer being the breadwinner — he might start to act more aggressive between the sheets. If you notice a change in how forceful he is, initiate a conversation outside the bedroom to better understand whether he is feeling helpless in any aspect of his life or your relationship. “Sexually men act out, and women tend to ‘act in’ by losing libido,” says Dr. Engler. Nix that by talking things out.”

So, be clear about exactly what you want –and what you don’t want. What is as important is consistency. If he calls you those names 10 times, you need to be clear that you don’t like it 10 times, and explain that it turns you OFF, not ON. But consistency is the key. If you say no 9 times, but don’t on the 10th, your guy will think he just has to work harder to please you. (If they find out I’m telling you the secrets of the Men’s Club they will throw me out .)

Obviously, if he doesn’t get the message sooner rather than later I would sit down (when you both have your clothes on) and let him know the “benefits” part of your relationship is in jeopardy of cutbacks or elimination.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Alcohol Psychosis

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’m concerned about my mother in law’s “Alcohol Psychosis?” This issue is mainly of concern for my mother in law. I don’t necessarily know how to describe her alcohol issue; since it’s unlike others. My husband gets VERY upset & embarrassed if his parents drinking problem is brought up. He hides it any way he can. He has a very small family. (Mom, Dad, Sister, & nephew.) We’re the only ones who know about her problem. His parents don’t drink daily. They go weeks with out it. His dad is somewhat normal when he drinks. BUT.. Something SNAPS when his mom gets ahold of alcohol. She turns into a whole different person. She screams, yells, sobs uncontrollably, says nasty & hurtful things, hits, talks nonsense that makes NO sense, is delirious, breaks things, calls our phones several times, leaves hate msgs, walks down the street knocking on people’s doors, & calls 911 REPEATEDLY asking to send an officer out for “imaginary” emergencies AND to “feed her fish and take care of her dog!” She’s had police called on her 100’s of times, arrested many times, taken to a psych facility, & has been rushed to the hospital for false emergencies! Then, doesn’t remember the next day. My mother in law has never had a driver’s license. So the only way she gets alcohol is if she walks somewhere, or if my father in law brings it home. He knows better than that. But still brings it home? My husband & sister in law are so fed up, that they just say, “Whatever happens happens, it’s their own fault.” They’ve thrown so much $ away due to their parents drinking, they AND the police had a crisis group come over, a psych facility, & took her to AA meetings. If she’s not drunk & causing mayhem, we have a good relationship with his parents! We even have breakfast together on Sundays! She doesn’t associate with her family, has NO friends, & doesn’t leave home unless she’s walking the dog. It’s just when she drinks, she turns psycho! She admits to having a problem, but won’t let anyone help! (She also refuses any medications of any kind; so if maybe it’s psychological too, she’ll refuse ANY medical treatment.) It’s been going on for so long, my husband gave up. He says, “If she’s put in jail, maybe she’ll learn her lesson.” We already have to help their bills because they’re so broke. I’m always the one that does a “drive by” at night if I know she’s drinking. I just want to help. My husband shuts down & gets mad if it’s brought up between us. Like, if I ask about it or try to offer help/ideas. He gets furious, & says, “I don’t care if they screw up, & it’s got nothing to do with you, so drop it!” So after this problem description, I want to know what I can do? I have a couple alcoholics in my family as well. So I know what the common behaviors are. In this case with my mother in law, I’ve never seen or heard of alcohol having this kind of effect! I know my husband like, gave up. It doesn’t have to be this way. She can hurt herself, or even worse! She handed her debit card to a stranger to go buy her liquor. (And obviously never got it back.) I’m out of ideas, & don’t know or understand her behavior very well. Do you have any suggestions? Sites to look up, an explanation of how this “insanity” works? Thank you so much!
Sincerely,
“Concerned Wife!”

It sounds to me like there may be a few things going on, but of course it would be too difficult for me to try to accurately identify all the possibilities. What I can say is that there is something you can do directly to begin coping with this. You don’t need permission or need your husband to be onboard with it: Al-Anon. Al-Anon is for family and friends of people who are having problems drinking. Your mother-in-law needs help, but at this point the best thing you can do is learn how to take care of yourself and hope that your husband and others can be inspired by you going.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Jealousy toward husband’s female workmate

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband has started a friendship with a workmate (female) 4 months ago, she is married we met her and her family. At first I was ok with it but I started getting jealous with the way my husband is extra attentive to her- we have other female friends too but to my observation he does not behave the way he is with them. He admitted that he like her more than he like our other friends, he enjoyed picking her up from home to go to work, it was his idea to carpool. He loves inviting them for family barbeque. He said he wants me to be friends with her- I am trying but my jealousy is still here. My husband is aware that I am jealous of his friendship with this person but assures me it is only friendship, a platonic one. Is it me who just had the problem, I admitted to him that I am jealous of the time he spent with her, like he would pick her up for work but have to go earlier so that they can have a coffee at her place ( sometimes the husband is home, other times it is just her at home). He asks me if I am ok, but when I say Iam not ok with this he seems not to be able to understand.Am I just stressing myself?

I feel like my feelings are not as important as his frienship, he would rather have this friendship inspite the fact that it is causing tension between us ( our marriage).He emails her and text her (several times a week), of which he has not done to other friends before. I ask that I read the emails/txt, it was ok with him. There was nothing there, just chitchat…but my question is he sees her at work, do carpools…does it mean he thinks about her more than necessary?

He also seem to be so concern of her- first he offered to carpool because they work nightshift and she only gets 2-3 hours sleep during the day so not really fit to drive. THen, he asks me if it is ok to have her daughter in the afternoon be dropped off to my place so that she can have a rest ( of which I said no because we already have our own kids. plus an additional child would be too much/noisy as he,my husband sleeps in the afternoon before going to work at 8.30).

Other small things too, she just need to txt him for small things and he’ll go, drive 15 minutes to her place to lend her pliers, pick up this or that etc.) Please help me, how can I deal with this, how can I overcome this feeling.

This person is also aware that I am jealous of her, my husband told her that first time that we had the discussion. She said, she didn’t intend to cause trouble between me and my husband and hopes all is ok now. That time, she decided not to carpool with my husband, then after a cooling period of one week, my husband asked if he’ll pick her up again, she did say she’ll drive to work but my husband insist that it will be no trouble, that I am ok with it. I am not really ok with it, because I said to my husband that time, what if she decided not to carpool anymore he said, well he’ll be disappointed because he likes her company and since there is nothing really going on it should be alright. I told him I would prefer if he’ll just let it be, I mean since she bowed out that to leave it like that. But obviously, that didn’t happen. What am i to do? Thank you for your time and advice.

It’s very hard for me to assess a situation like this on the basis of a letter. It might be that your husband is more attracted to this woman than he is admitting to you or to himself. But the fact is, he’s been very open with you and has not acted defensive in any way – even when you asked to see his texts. That suggests that at the very least he’s trying to be respectful of your feelings.

The other possibility that occurs to me is that your husband is lonely for a friend. Working night shift makes it tough to have friends or even to be as close to you as he might want to be. Then along comes this person who he not only likes but who shares the same difficult schedule. It’s possible that what you are sensing is the beginning of a romance. But it’s also possible that what you are seeing is the enjoyment of a new friend.

If you two were seeing me in my office, I would want to ask you if you each have close friends you do things with and confide in. For many people, having young children and working third shift tend to crowd out having friends. Our partners can’t be everything to us. People need a social group. If your husband doesn’t have friends, I would then suggest to you that his solution is a healthy one. Make friends with her too and expand your social circle.

On the other hand, if your husband does have good friends in his life, I would wonder why this particular relationship is so important that he is willing to hurt your feelings to continue it. Is he feeling sorry for a single mom? Or is he letting himself get more involved with her than he should because it is kind of exciting to be around her? The answers to those kinds of questions would help you both figure out what role this woman has in his life and if it is a threat to your marriage.

I’m sorry to give you such an unsatisfying answer to your question. That always happens when an answer is “it depends.” What I do suggest you do is keep talking. Perhaps some of the ideas I’ve offered give you a different direction for your conversation. Work hard not to accuse or blame. Instead, just try to be interested in what it is that he is getting out of the relationship. Once you understand that, you’ll be in a much better position to make your own decisions.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Social Anxiety or Something More?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past two years I’ve noticed my social abilities steadily declining, and I’m at a point where I don’t speak unless spoken to. My school life is being affected due to my fear and inability to ask for help on problems or such. I was diagnosed with social anxiety about four years ago, but this feeling is no longer the same. I’m constantly afraid in most all situations, and I shake like a small dog. I’m finding it hard to talk to some of my dearest friends due to my sentences being choppy, and they always have to ask me what I mean several times to the point where I just stop trying. I was also diagnosed with depression and ADHD four years ago. The depression has been awful for the past 2 years, a way that in never was before.. I started cutting myself when I was 10 years old. I hadn’t cut in 3 years last month, and the next thing I know, I’m hunched up in my bathroom holding a razor. When I went to use it, it was gone, and I was in the kitchen. I’m at submitting this right now because the other night, it wasn’t a frantic hallucination. I don’t remember a lot of it though, and I found pieces of paper on which I drew very disturbing images in my blood. I really don’t know what to think anymore. I avoid calling or talking to my friends, even when I’m aware that I like that person and would probably enjoy talking to them, I just stare at the phone while its ringing and wait for it to stop. There are also other, more minor, hallucinations that I’ve dealt with for some time. My vision is constantly obscured by a layer of static like..things, of which I was informed was incurable. At night I see horrible things in them. Lately, it doesn’t have to be night to see them. I just really want some idea of what’s happening to me- this is the only resource I have at the moment. Thank you in advance for your time.

You are very welcome. I’m not certain that I fully understand all of the symptoms you have described, especially the hallucinations. You stated that your vision is “constantly obscured by a layer of static like… things” which you described as being “incurable.” Are you saying that you were diagnosed with a vision problem? If so, it is possible that the experiences that you are referring to as hallucinations are associated with the vision problem.

You also described periods in which you lose consciousness. During those blackouts, you apparently engaged in disturbing behaviors of which you have no recollection.

There may be two potential issues. One is social anxiety that seems to be progressively becoming worse. The second may be a medical issue (i.e. problems with vision, blacking out, etc.).

The fact that you have been diagnosed with several mental health disorders means that you’ve been to see a mental health professional. Are you currently seeing a mental health professional? If not, it is important to be evaluated. If you are under the care of mental health professionals, inform them about the fact that your symptoms have become worse. An adjustment to your treatment plan may be necessary.

It is also important that you are evaluated by a physician, preferably an eye care professional if you have trouble with your vision. Problems with vision and losing consciousness might be signs of neurological problems. It may be best to consult your primary care physician, report all of your symptoms and ask for a referral to the appropriate medical specialist. Having a comprehensive medical evaluation is highly recommended at this time.

Please consider my advice. It is imperative that you receive the proper medical and psychological evaluations. In the meantime, if you feel as though you might harm yourself, tell your parents, go to the emergency room or call 911. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Hard Time Coping

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Now, this isn’t something I’m new to, I’ve suffered from depression for about 1/2 of my life. I’ve been through therapy/counseling, am currently on 2 anti-depressants, and am about to go onto a third. After seeing some 6 different professionals, the basic advice to “cope” while trying to solve the underlying problems has generally been the same. Now, I’ve done my best to do all of this to a tee, I exercise daily, have as regular a sleep schedule as you’ll find, and I eat properly. They also said it’s good to keep busy, and surround yourself with familiar faces, whether it be family or friends. A good part of why I can feel so crappy now has been traced back to my family (my father, specifically), so I’ve never looked at spending time with my family as something other than a chore.

It’s not great, but it is what it is.

I try to spend time with my friends, but it’s getting harder and harder to do. Whether it’s something wrong with me, or something wrong with them, I’m going to ballpark that 80% of the time that I have plans with friends, they always come up with a last minute excuse to not see me. I feel like I’m back in middle school when every single one of my friends tells me they’re too tired, have a stomach ache, or don’t feel like going out, then I find out the next day they all were just ducking me and went out together. It may seem like I’m being dramatic, like it’s a one time thing, but it sometimes happens several times a week. I do my best to keep busy. I play piano and guitar a lot, and make furniture when I can muster up the energy to do so, but you can only spend so much time alone before it starts taking a toll in itself. They all know I suffer from depression, and even though I’ve tried to talk to them about it, desperately looking for support, they just get mad at me, tell me something extremely negative, and I’m back where I started, alone. After talking to my therapist in college I tried joining a TON of clubs, and even a fraternity. More recently after talking to a therapist, I’ve joined 5 (yes FIVE) dating sites to try to meet new people. The haze-happy fraternity world wasn’t exactly a positive experience, and after being on these dating sites for 3 years, you can count the number of messages I’ve gotten on one hand, and haven’t even been able to convince anyone to meet me in person.

I’m not sure what else I can do to help me through this “rough patch” that I’ve been in the last 4 months or so. It’s bad enough that things at work and in my personal life started to turn, it’s worse that my new insurance coverage doesn’t cover therapy and I can’t afford it (but honestly, I can’t say it ever helped in the past), but it’s the worst that any support structure I once had has decided to just cut and run. Going through this physically and emotionally alone is just going to have me slipping deeper and deeper into this darkness. Up to this point, I feel like I’ve done everything right. I don’t know what else could be out there to help me get through this.

It does sound like you have taken all the right steps to get a balanced life and are doing what you can to cope. Depression is a powerful foe, and the way you have been dealing with it is exemplary.

The only thing I can add to this is group therapy. My experience with people with depression and the use of a dynamic group therapy process is that group psychotherapy helps in ways that medicine, friends and individual therapy can’t. It works on building real relationships and helps individuals realize their choices and options for functioning in the world. I would encourage you to look for a group in your area, and talk to a therapist with experience in facilitating groups. The find help tab at the top of the page can help you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Jealous of Boyfriend’s Ex, Child

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been dating for 2 years now, I truely do love him and he loves me. The only problem that we have is that he has a 4 year old daughter. I knew that he had a daughter when we first got together but I assumed that it would not bother me. He dated his ex for a very brief period of time (4 months) and she got pregnant and left him. She attempted to say the little girl was not his, he fought for his rights, and got visitation and pays child support. He is an awesome dad!

Then I came into the picture and started pressuring him because I am insecure about his ex, he started spending less time with his daughter and not seeing her and avoiding her mother at all costs. I realized how unfair this is and attempted to break up with him (several times) so he can be the father his daughter deserves, but he will not let me go. He tells me I’m the only positive thing in his life, and that he will do anything to make it work.

So, how do I deal with his daughter and ex? I feel like I will always come after them and that he will always be attached to his ex. Even though he reassures me he won’t. I feel like he will never be able to love our future children as much. I even had an abortion because I was so insecure about about our situation (and did not want be attached, and was scared that if I can pull him away from his daughter then maybe some other girl will be able to pull him away from my kid), and now feel guilty. I resent his little girl. She is super sweet and smart and she loves me very much, but it is so hard to deal with everything. I am always jealous and resentful, and make him feel guilty and torn. Any advice?

Before you can be a loving partner to this man, you need to do some serious growing up. It’s understandable that at only 20, you are insecure and immature. But that doesn’t make your attitude and behavior okay.

The reality is that the very qualities that make this man worth loving are the qualities you hate. Unlike many guys, he didn’t walk away from his responsibilities. He loves his little girl. He’s been there enough that she loves him. He’s an awesome dad and he wants you in his life. This is a man most women would give anything to be with.

But you’re so competitive with his past that you want him to erase it. Instead, you need to be embracing his daughter and developing a civil relationship with her mother. If you in fact stay with your guy, you will be coparenting his daughter. You, your boyfriend, and his ex will need to make joint parenting decisions that are in her best interests. In many ways, she is the first child in your family. Should you go on to have a child of your own, he or she will be special in his or her own way — as your first birth child. The man you’re with won’t love that child less, just differently — just as all of us love each child in our family a little differently.

If you can’t sincerely and wholeheartedly wrap your head and heart around loving your boyfriend partly because he loves his little girl so much, let him go so he can find a woman who won’t make him choose.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Periodic Rage and Suicidal Thoughts

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am a 36 year old married mother of two: I’m not sure what to say or how to begin this. I have periods of rage and depression where I can tell from the moment I wake up that it is going to be a “bad” day. I get overly angry at little things, and pick fights w/my spouse. I have suicidal thoughts (several times a month) but will not act one them because of my children – although I do not think I am a great mother my son adores me (and I love him as much) and I cannot imagine what it would do to him if I was gone. My husband is wonderful and very patient and we’ve worked through a lot of things over the years but lately I just get so tired, and frustrated, and I act out and just generally become disagreeable, angry and violent. I push and push and push until he reacts – the weird thing is once he is angry I feel very calm and together – and my own “anger” dissipates – but until he reacts I just get more and more agitated.

I often feel I am not a good mother, or a good person in general, though I have many friends and family that would most likely say different. My father died when I was 2 and my mother remarried when I was 6 – I grew up in a home where my mother chose my father over me (so I think/thought) and my step-father was abusive both verbally (majority) and physically. I suffered low self esteem and spent years as an adult coming to terms with my childhood.

I’d like to get better but I don’t know what’s my problem. I hate the rage feelings – I hate yelling, throwing things and generally being out of control – especially in front of my children. I don’t expect medical advice per se but does this seem like a problem or just a case of “occasional blues” or mood swings? I’ve truly suffered from moodiness my entire life but really thought I had better control on myself in recent history – however – the bi-monthly “depression days” are really starting to affect my marriage. Please advise if you can…thank you.

I do believe that you have more than the “occasional blues.” Everyone has mood swings but generally it’s not considered a problem until they are compromising your life. From your letter it seems that you have been living a very compromised life. You are suffering daily, to the point where it is affecting your marriage and your overall wellbeing. It is also likely affecting your children. This is the very definition of when one should seek help.

It is important to learn the cause of your anger and unhappiness. If I could interview you in person I would want to know if something has changed lately. Did some event occur? What prompted you to notice the increase in your unhappiness? Knowing this information could help to uncover the reason for your unhappiness.

In my experience as a therapist, I’ve seen anger issues like yours among my clients. It is not unusual for individuals exhibiting similar symptoms to act out in a manner that you have described with your husband. They push and push until they get a reaction from their significant other, friend or family member. It was at that point (i.e. invoking a reaction) that they also too described their anger diminishing. In most cases, it was because they wanted their spouse, friend or loved one to recognize their suffering. It was their way of forcing an emotional confrontation. They had been stoically suffering. They did not want to complain and often felt they didn’t have the right to complain.

I would strongly suggest that you consider counseling. It could greatly benefit you. If not for yourself then do it for the sake of your marriage and your children. Studies show that children whose parents are suffering from mental health disorders may be more likely themselves to develop mental health disorders. Children who have a parent with depression are especially at risk. Depressed mothers in particular tend to be more isolative, withdrawn and less able to respond to the child’s emotional needs, compared to mothers without depression. For these reasons and many others it is very important that you seek help. Please click on the find help tab at the top of this page to search for a clinician in your community.

I wish you well. Please take care.

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I Get Angry Easily and Cry a lot

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I dont know if I have a problem or not but I want to make sure. I get angry easily and snap at my sister or mom a lot. And I always end up feeling guilty. I can’t control myself sometimes. Several times I’ve punched walls and messed up my hand or put a whole in the wall. I usually do this when I’m alone. I never seem to be in control with my emotions. I always end up crying at night and fall asleep like that. I always thought it was around my period but frequently it’s all the time.

I’m stressing out about college because (even though my sister is in college) she isnt really helping me out. I always look up to her for advice but recently I haven’t been able to trust her. My cousin, who I was close with until some previous problems occurred, it’s of much help with college even though we’re going to the same community college. She always assumes something bad of me. I feel like a failure because I have no idea what I’m doing in college and what I want to study. I feel like this because my sister has everything figured out. And every time someone brings up about school I get mad and irritable but now it’s about every mistake I make.

I can’t ever seem to control what comes out of my mouth an end up getting my sister mad and she disputes with me and gets me even more angrier. I spoke to my mon and found out she is taking medication for anger and it’s starting to worry me. Do I have the probability of having bipolar issues or am I depressed? I have no idea what to do and I don’t want others to know I’m struggling mentally. I’m afraid that next time I get really angry I will end up hurting someone physically. Because several times in the past when I would punch walls I would only see darkness and let myself succum to my anger. But afterwards I’d feel horrible.

Thank you for writing. The first thing to do is to get a complete medical checkup. Sometimes the emotional ups and downs that you are reporting have a physical cause. Make sure you check it out before you decide that this is all in your head and start worrying about a mental health diagnosis.

Having said that, I do have another idea. Sometimes our inner self is wiser than we give it credit for. It just may be that your emotionality is a way you are telling yourself that you are simply not interested in college at this time. I want you to know you’re not alone in this. Many recent high school grads have no idea what they want to study or why they are headed to college. Everyone they knew just kind of assumed that of course they were going and they went with what felt like an inevitability. Often these are the kids who drop out. If they do complete the four years, they often aren’t happy with the major or the career they ended up with.

I think you should take a step off the conveyor belt that is taking you to college and really think about what you want to do. It’s not a crime to go your own way. It’s only wise to take time out to figure yourself out. There are progams called “Gap Year” that are intended for teens just like you. Search the web and you’ll see all kinds of interesting ways to make a contribution in the world and to expand your own horizons. I wrote a couple of articles for Psych Central that address this issue because I was getting many letters like yours. Click the links to take a look.

Are You Ready for College? Alternatives for the Unsure

Ready or Not: Immature but Headed to College

You are your own person. You are not your sister. You are not your cousin. Taking more time before choosing a path toward your future is only smart. College costs a great deal of money and time. You want to be sure that it is necessary and that you are motivated to do the work before you pack your bags to go.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Cheating Boyfriend

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have dated my boyfriend for 2 years. He is 20 years old and is the same age as me. We never really had the dating situation, we just moved in together. He moved in with me at our home town. Now we are living across Canada together so he can work.

While we were home for Christmas he took off on me for a week. He went to his mother’s and didn’t answer my phone calls or texts. I was going crazy, I didn’t know what I did and I became very sick. I was puking 3 times a day, couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep and was just so confused and devastated. I then got a text from him saying he thought we should be done and how we fought all the time and he didn’t think we should be together.

During this week he hung out with another girl. She is 18 years old.. well after the week was up he came back up to my home town and explained he wanted me back and how he loved me. He cried and I told him I didn’t trust him since he just took off on me and then was with her??? He told me they only hung out once and that they were just friends. I BELIEVED HIM..
so here I am back out west 52 hr drive away from my hometown. and I find text messages on his phone with her. He had called her babe and vise versa.. they hung out several times, and he told her he liked her and he basically tried to get in her pants BIG TIME. I confronted him about the messages and he tells me “nothing happened”.So now I know I’m dating a liar
Do you think he will change and not do something like this again? We have a place together, a dog and our own life. I don’t understand what he was thinking. This guy has done everything for me, if i need help financially he helps me, I don’t have a vehicle but he has given me one to use. Without him i would have to move back into my mothers and figure my life out. There is no work where my mom lives because it’s such a small town.

I have no one really since I have been out west for 8 months my friends from home have all moved on with their lives. My father has a drug and addiction problem and constantly is asking me for $, he also cheated on my mom a lot until i begged her to leave him. Why is it that this guy I’m with cheated on me and I can’t seem to let him go???? Do you think he will ever change??

The two of you didn’t date, grow into love, and then decide to have a future together. Instead, you kind of slid into living together – without talking about what it meant to each of you. At Christmas, he acted out his ambivalence about whether he is really ready to be in a committed relationship and cheated. This was neither mature nor caring. A question at this point is whether he is with you because he found out that he really does love you or if he got scared about the idea of putting himself back into the dating scene and is back to you because you are familiar.

Meanwhile, you seem to be in the relationship primarily because you don’t know what else to do and don’t see options for yourself. In addition, you have grown up observing your mother put up with cheating and addiction. In a sad way, you too may be opting for the familiar instead of putting yourself out there to find someone who you can love whole-heartedly. Unless you do some solid personal work, you could end up living some version of your mother’s life.

Although you and your boyfriend have been good friends for each other, neither of you seems to be ready to make the unconditional, loving commitment that living together and making a life requires.

Please consider taking a big step back. There are worse things than going back to live with your mom for awhile (like spending the next 10 years with the wrong person). If you can’t find work, it may be because you don’t have the education or experience you need. If that’s the case, figure out what to do about it. Get some schooling or do some volunteer work or an internship to make yourself more marketable. You might check back with counselors at your old high school to get some ideas.

Canada is a big place. There are good schools and good opportunities throughout the country. You don’t need to be stuck in a shaky relationship to make your way in the world. As you said, you need to figure yourself out.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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What Might be Wrong with Me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have had many deep rooted issues since birth… Whether it has been issues at home (i.e. Alcoholic parents & Grandparents), raised by Mother’s parents while my mother was binge drugging and drinking, consistency of serious health issues at a young age (heart surgery, ulcerative colitis, asthma), only stable “mother-figure”, my grandmother, died when I was a young age, emotionally and sometimes physically abusive parents, in group homes from 15/16 yrs old until 17, Father has bipolar disorder and my mother’s brother had successfully committed suicide almost 6 months ago which has taken it’s toll on me…
I could go on for days… Long story short, I have endured so many trials and tribulations, my step father often tells me I should write a book… Maybe I should.

I have attempted suicide several times, several years ago…But have had absolutely no desire for quite some time now. I have been diagnosed with major depression, then bipolar, then one doctor told me he believed I had ADHD and had been misdiagnosed…

My main question/concern at the moment is…
I am a very loving and compassionate person, but at times the smallest issue can set me off and i stay upset and argumentative. I have the most amazing and understanding boyfriend, the man I would love to marry one day, yet I am pushing him away every time I become upset, starting arguments over nothing. I am completely aware of it, but no matter how much I do not want it to happen, it does. It almost feels like a compulsion. I want nothing more in the world than to stop this behavior, but have no idea where to even begin. Also, this has been a problem with almost all of my relationships. [Side Note: My mother’s youngest sister (who is just like a sister to me, and was still living with my grandparents when I was and also raised in a fighting household) had told me her therapist told her that she was trying to re-create the drama from her childhood, since that was the norm for us.Maybe that is true, maybe not.] Please help! Any advice would be deeply appreciated. I’d like to rectify this issue and move on with my life.
Thank you.

You may have many issues but you are also a survivor. You have come through so much, it’s a wonder that you can take the risk to love. Be proud of yourself for that. I’m thinking that past events may still be the core of things. Your are obviously an insightful and sensitive person but you grew up in an environment that was extremely unstable. People you loved and trusted kept leaving, through addictions, abandonment, and death. Even your own body wasn’t something your could trust. This kind of history is possibly the makings of a borderline personality disorder (BPD). You want love and closeness but it’s so very hard to trust it after so many years of uncertainty. You fear abandonment but expect it and sometimes create it just to get it over with.

If I’m right, there is good news. There is a well-researched and documented treatment for BPD called Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). I suggest you find a therapist who is trained in the method and ask for an evaluation. Even if you don’t meet the full criteria for BPD, you have enough of the symptoms that the model might help you settle down. You can learn more about it by just searching the web.

You have found the courage to love a man who loves you. I think you both deserve to get your old issues out of your relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Friend Thinks She is Possessed By Spirits

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Dear doctor,please help? my friend has been suffering from schizophrenia for several years now.initially she would see and hear voices . these “black beings” as she described would ask her to commit suicide. she almost did several times but somehow didn’t take it the whole way. it is weird that she only experience these at work. while at home she is fine.

she actually was much better 2 years ago. even started reaching out to another friend who was also suffering from schizophrenia. it did not go well though. this new friend refused medication and distanced herself from us.

after this incident, my friend’s symptom suddenly worsen.recently she quit her job at last. thinking this was the only chance the “beings” will leave her alone. what we hoped for did not come to pass however. for she now not only hears the voices at home, she experiences being possessed by the spirits. during these episodes she will scream and pull at her hair. feeling as if she is controlled by some other being and no longer herself. as if crazy. however, when it is over, she is back to her normal self.

she was hospitalized once when she was terrified she will take her own life. however, the doctor who accessed her informed that she has a strong will and less possibility to actually do it.

she has been taking several different types of drugs at different dosages with different combinations prescribed by the doctor but none seemed to help.

i try to be as supportive as i can by listening to her, emphasising with her, laughing with her, fetching her to the doctors etc. recently i discovered that she seem to be lying to me. i do believe it may not be intentional but her desire to get attention. it does stress me out and ware me thin though.

i was thinking perhaps it would be good for me to bring her to a counsellor to discover the trigger or root cause.she was adopted and her mom passed away from cancer.hence she has alot of insecurities and bitterness. do you think it will give her some relief? i am at my wits end on how to help her. i do not know who to tell or talk to either. please do advice? thanks alot.

yours sincerely,
stuck and desperate

Dear Stuck and Desperate, first let me say thank you for being such a good friend. Unfortunately, not all people with schizophrenia receive that level of understanding, care and compassion from others. Your friend is fortunate to have someone who cares so much about her well-being. Undoubtedly, it makes a major positive difference in her life.

You asked about whether or not it would be a good idea for you to bring her to a counselor to discover the root cause of her disorder. In general, the more positive support that she receives, the better her prognosis.

Counseling might be a big help to her. It may not be in her best interest for the counseling to focus solely on the cause of her disorder. Even if she uncovered the cause of her schizophrenia, there is no clear indication that it would positively impact her symptoms. She may not be psychologically ready to explore the potential causes.

It also may not be possible to determine a cause. In general, scientists don’t know the cause of schizophrenia. It will likely be difficult for the counselor to pinpoint a definitive cause.

To answer your question directly, yes, it would be advisable for her to begin counseling but it should mainly focus on how she can better manage her symptoms and maintain emotional stability. She would be better served by learning how to manage her symptoms than she would be to learn what may have caused her disorder.

I hope this answers your questions. Don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Husband was attracted to a co-worker

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, my husband and I have been married for 5 years, together for 7. We just welcomed a baby in March. Things were always so great – with the minor ups and downs of every relationship, but nothing serious. After the baby I had a little PPD. I was dealing with it on my own and working through it and was feeling better and confident as a mom by 2 months. Things were good. I didn’t want to go back to work, my husband and both wanted me to find another job as I travel quite a bit. So my brother helped me start on a home business. It was going well, but stressful to handle the business and a baby.

We had a birthday dinner planned with my family one night. That day was a busy day, I was a little stressed, baby crying, etc. My husband came home and we got were driving to the restaurant and we started talking about a dinner with a co-worker and her fiance that we were going to the following week. He told me who was going and I asked why a female co-worker was not going, he said she wasn’t invited. I gave him the interrogation of why and asked if he had a crush on her. Don’t ask me why I thought to ask that, I still don’t know. Anyway, after dinner, we were still angry with each other, he was upset that I don’t trust him, etc. But I do trust him. Finally later that night he confessed that he had a crush on a different co-worker, one that we were going to dinner with. She is engaged and I have met her several times.

After that, of course it was question after question. He said that she is just a friend at work. He said that he liked her but put those thoughts in the back of his head. She sits next to him so they would go up to the cafeteria at work once in while and grab coffee, but that was all the one-on-one time they spent together. Everything else was in group settings. He said that she was nice and listed to him about work frustrations and they have a connection on a friendship level. He also said that he was attracted to her and thought of her, but never once intended to act or do anything more than be a friend. He said he thought about telling me he was attracted to her but didn’t know how to say it. He wanted the feelings to go away. He doesn’t love his job and described it as a distraction from work. He said it was like an ego boost as well – he wondered if she liked him too and said it was a nice feeling that she wanted to be his friend. He was trying to get us to hang out more, the four of us, so the feeling would go away. He said he knew he was attracted to right after he started working there – about 1 1/2 ago and the feeling was not constant – it would come and go. I asked him if he ever looked her up on facebook and he said yes he did, out of curiosity. He is too honest with me, I think.

During this time, I got pregnant and we were starting a new phase of our relationship. Not once did I feel any distance or anything wrong between us. I only felt us getting closer. He says the same thing. He said, he loved me more and more and felt very close to me and was looking forward to welcoming our baby and loved the way I looked. He said the feeling he had was completely separate from us and there was nothing I did to make him like her. He also said that there was nothing he was unhappy about in our marriage either. It was just she was friendly, around everyday at work and she was just a different person.

My reaction has been really extreme. He told me this about 2.5 months ago and I’m still having a hard time with it. Since he’s told me he has gone above and beyond in trying to fix things. He has arranged counseling, written love letters, emails basically has poured his heart out to me. I know he is sincere and I do trust him. I just can’t get the thought of him liking and thinking about someone else out of my mind. He said he never felt guilty for having those feelings as he thought they were normal and natural and that everyone experienced them from time to time, he said he never flirted or gave compliments, never went to lunch, never talked outside of work or work functions – he said I never acted and that’s what’s important. He never even thought about acting.

I admitted to him that there was a guy at my work that I was attracted to and could relate to the way he was feeling, but just would’ve never thought to tell him about it because it wasn’t a big deal. He said my experience was the same as his. It was totally insignificant and meaningless, just a distraction. Someone catches your eye and you think about it, it’s a normal curiosity. He is not upset at all about my experience. He said, becuase I trust you. He said you could’ve liked him more and flirted, as long as that’s all it was and I still wouldn’t be as hurt as you are. He said the important thing is that “I love you more than anything and being with you and our family is the only thing I have ever wanted, some other feelings may have been there, but they were insignificant compared to us and what we have.”

He regrets telling me. He said the only harm that came out of this situation was him telling me about it. In a way, I would rather not know. It has caused so much distress and insecurity in me and I just don’t know why. I don’t know how to get it out of my head and move on and be secure again. I cannot understand why I’m still thinking about this and why it is bothering me so much. Everyone keeps telling me it is really normal and the only difference is that you know, most men don’t say anything. They say I’m lucky he is so honest as it shows his integrity. I know we all think of other people and wonder what if, but it’s just really hard knowing, I think.

Can you please help me to understand? In your opinion was his experience wrong or was it just wrong to tell me? How do I move on and be happy again? I want so badly for us to be happy…he does too! He feels so terrible to have hurt me so badly. I feel terrible to hurt him too, he’s hurting too. he hardly talks to anyone at his work anymore and has cut off all personal communication with this girl. I do feel bad, becuase I know he just enjoyed talking with her and that was it. I don’t know why I can’t be mature and just trust he will always do the right thing. I mean I do trust him. I just feel insecure, I guess. I just need to get over it! Please help.
Thank you!

I’m very glad you wrote. You are in danger of creating the very situation you fear. By obsessively calling your husband’s integrity and love into question, you are rocking your relationship and making him wonder if he should be honest with you. You’re miserable. He’s miserable. You have two small children who are undoubtedly sensing that something is wrong between you. Not good.

Let’s get back to basics: It is perfectly normal for friends to feel attraction for each other. As we get to know people well and like them more and more, we see more and more of their attractive qualities. Even people who were not initially attractive to us physically become attractive when we develop the affection and caring of a true friendship. Attraction is an affirmation of that deepening relationship.

Attraction, though, is not the issue. When people are committed to a marriage or a romantic partner, the attraction to a friend or acquaintance is simply noted, perhaps with the passing thought of “if things were different . . .” We go on and simply enjoy our friend and hope that someday someone special will also appreciate her or him. Such friendships are not a threat to a committed relationship.

Your husband wasn’t wrong to acknowledge his attraction to his female friend. You weren’t wrong to see something in your male friend either. Your husband wasn’t wrong to tell you about it. In fact, in a healthy relationship, appreciation for the attractiveness of each other’s friends is often shared — followed up with a hug or a comment that says “but I’m glad I’m with you.”

As you suspect, the problem in your marriage is your extreme reaction to a normal situation. There is no “just” to your level of insecurity. It’s threatening your family. Please consider seeing a therapist to get to the bottom of this. It’s too hard for you – and for your husband – to live this way. Apologize to your husband. Let him know that you do understand that he’s entitled to have his friendships and to be at ease at work. Then ask for his support as you focus on settling your own issues so that the two of you, and your children, can enjoy the loving family that is possible for all of you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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