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Attraction to 16 Year Olds

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a 25-year-old male attracted to 16-year olds.
I thought this was normal since lots of men are into teen girls. 16 is the age of consent in my state. Recently, people were calling this person online a pedophile for being attracted to 17-year olds despite only being 20.

I guess the proper term would be Ephebophilia, only if it’s your main focus though?
I don’t have a preference for 16 year olds (I’m attracted to older men too) and it doesn’t put any strain on my marriage. It’s not an obsession.

Is this normal? Is it common? Is it as bad as pedophilia and hebephilia?

Normal has different meanings in different contexts. In the sciences, normal is a statistical reference meaning plus or minus one standard deviation from the mean. This number is about 68% of any total. Thus we can describe anything as being “normal.” We can have normal shoe sizes, we can have normal weights for men and women of a certain height, we can have normal IQs and normal and abnormal amounts of milk consumed for a person of a certain age. Describing normal in this way simply means that 68% of the population possesses this characteristic.

There are other meanings of the word normal when used in the mental health field and by the general public. For instance, cultural norm violation. Doing something which is in opposition to the norms of one’s culture, could be considered and would be considered by some to be abnormal or not normal.

Sexuality is like the dark web. It’s there and it’s accessible by virtually anyone, but it is not well understood or documented and generally not discussed. Sexual desire and behaviors are rarely discussed in conversations, even with close friends or relatives. Sexual topics are almost always heard in the context of humor.

Sigmund Freud said that humans had only two drives or motivations. One was Thanatos, or the death drive, and the other was the sex drive — and the sex drive comprised almost the totality of human motivation. Many have disagreed with him, some on a logical or philosophical basis but by far the most, by the ever present desire to deny the presence of sexuality, by keeping its discussion and acknowledgment in total darkness.

Generally speaking, you cannot control that which arouses you sexually. However, you can, in every instance, control your behavior. Your sexual behavior must not harm you or any other human being. That is why all non-consensual sexual contact between people is considered rape and could earn one life in prison, without the possibility of parole. It matters little that which you find to be of sexual interest as long as there is not the slightest possibility that you or anyone else will be harmed by your resultant behavior.

Obviously, I could not possibly have answered all of your questions. Nothing short of a multi-volume set of three inch thick leather bound books could come close to explaining human sexual desire. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend Is Upset with My Low Sex Drive

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My fiancee of 4 years is upset by my sudden lack of sex drive. I used to have a pretty high sex drive, but in the past year it plummeted completely. I suffer with Scoliosis pains, depression, anxiety and self esteem issues and take medication that further inhibits my sex drive.

I’m pretty alright with it, though my boyfriend is not. He absolutely hates it. He often trys to initiate it, and I’ll tell him no, only to have him immediately sulk or act angry and leave the room to ignore me. I’ve tried to suck it up and do it anyway, and I started crying in the middle of it. I don’t know what to do. I’m okay with my sex drive being almost non existent but it’s putting a lot of pressure on my relationship.

Thank you for writing. I’m sure you understand why he’s upset. From his point of view, your personal troubles have suddenly caused a major change in your relationship. He thought he was involved with a partner who is sexually attracted to him and who is excited to share sexual intimacy. It’s a reflection of his love for you and his attempt to be understanding that he hasn’t left you over this sudden change in your partnership.

You are absolutely right that the difference in your sexual desire is putting pressure on your relationship. The scoliosis has always been there so something else has caused the change in you.

I have to wonder if your depression and the drugs you are taking are what is making you “okay” with a low libido. SSRIs (Selective Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitors) that are commonly used for depression often cause a drop in sex drive. In fact, some studies have shown that as many as 50% of users of SSRIs suffer a major drop in their libido. I hope you will talk to your prescriber about whether some changes can be made in your medication (either the medication or the dosage or even the timing of when you take it) so you can reclaim that part of yourself.

A low sex drive is treatable. But you need to find a qualified couples therapist to work with. Ask your doctor for a referral to a local licensed couples therapist who works well with sexual and intimacy problems. The therapist will help you address your self-esteem problems and will help your partner learn ways to support you as you deal with them. A couples therapist can also provide a safe place to look at whether there is an underlying problem that has caused the two of you to be engaged for 4 years instead of marrying. It could be that the sexual problems are an outcome of something amiss in your relationship that the two of you either haven’t identified or have been too scared to address directly.

A crisis in a relationship can destroy it or be an important point of self-discovery and growth. You and your fiance have been together for four years. I hope you will give therapy a chance before you throw away a relationship that has been meaningful to you both until a year ago.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

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Many Questions About What’s Wrong

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi I have been having intuitions and seeing things as long as I can remember. Mostly gods I am a hindu in our family it was considered good to see these things and have intuitions. It was a sign of spritual maturity. My cousin on my mothers side suffers from paranoid scrizophrenia. But some how or other I was not diagnosed and not taken to dr. I finally suffered complete breakdown and was admitted to institution after being treated as out pt. I have been taking medicines regularly for 6 years now. I am well in a way and am a ok husband, father and have 3 children. Right now I am on trifluoperazine 5 mg and trihexiphenidyl 2 mg twice a day. I have been given medicines for paranoid scrizophrenia, bipolar disorder, sedatives for sleep, ocd and stress. I have been to therapist for 4 yrs. Now my problem is following:

1. My sex drive is too much according to my psychiatrist. I need to have sex atleast 5-7 times of week. We have sex almost everyday except when my wife is in her periods.We have been married for 14 yrs and still cant get enough of her. I tried to reduce my drive but I ended up seeing things and hearing voices once again. I used to be frustrated thru out day and lost my temper often. What do I do and is my sex drive ok. My wife seems ok with twice a week but does it more often because I ask her to.

2. I cant seem to enjoy life and I am always looking at negative things in life.

3. I have a cycle of temper. I start getting stressed on thursday evening and it increases till saturday when I loose my temper. And by sunday I am ok. I usually loose my temper on my wife. My dr has given me medicine for that loranzopam 2 mg but it doesnt work. What else can I do?

4. I need to educate my family and myself about the course of my disease I read “surviving schizophrenia” but it was too depressing and all I learnt how much better off I am. Can you suggest anything?

5. I have this need to talk and expess myself but cant seem to make any friends. I just have my relatives and wife to talk to. Is this normal?

6. I smoke about 15 cigarettes a day. I have this unknown fear that if I give up smoking something will go wrong. What do I do/ My wife is pushing me to give up but I am scared like hell. Thanks.

Thank you for writing to Psych Central with your questions. I will address each of them below:

  1. Sex drive: the desire to have sex once a day is not abnormal. Inequality in sexual desire is also common in relationships. It’s only a problem if one person in the relationship considers it to be a problem. You desire to have sex more often than your wife does but she may be all right with this in an effort to help you meet your needs. A couple has to agree on a level of frequency that is comfortable and acceptable to them.

    Some medications can affect sex drive. I would suggest speaking to your psychiatrist about this possibility. Your psychiatrist may be able to make modifications to your medication regimen. He also may not be willing to adjust your medication, fearing that it might endanger your psychological well-being.

  2. Negative thoughts: I would suggest talk therapy to help with your negative thoughts. Medication can be helpful for treating psychotic events but it may not be effective for negative thinking. Talking to a therapist can help you learn how to find happiness. Finding happiness is a journey and everyone needs to find what makes them happy in life. If you continue to struggle with negative thinking, consider talk therapy in addition to medication management with your psychiatrist.
  3. Anger issues: Talk therapy could also help with anger management. Anger management techniques can be very effective. Your anger issues may have nothing to do with your psychotic disorders. I would highly recommend talk therapy for this issue.
  4. Books: There are many books about schizophrenia that you may find very helpful. I would also recommend books about bipolar disorder or other serious mental illnesses. Below are six books that are highly rated:
    • Schizophrenia For Dummies by Jerome Levine and Irene S. Levine
    • An Unquiet Mind: A Memoir of Moods and Madness by Kay Redfield Jamison
    • Welcome, Silence by Carol North
    • Five Lost Years: A Personal Exploration of Schizophrenia by Christina Alexandra
    • The Soloist: A Lost Dream, an Unlikely Friendship, and the Redemptive Power of Music by Steve Lopez
    • A Beautiful Mind: The Life of Mathematical Genius and Nobel Laureate John Nash by Sylvia Nasar
  5. Social interaction: A therapist can help to determine whether or not there’s a problem with your social interaction. He or she could point out social mistakes and help you to correct them in an effective way.
  6. Smoking cigarettes: I do not believe that you should attempt to stop smoking without the assistance of your psychiatrist or other mental health professional. Your fear that you may relapse if you quit smoking may not be unfounded. It’s not that smoking cessation could cause a psychotic relapse per se. It may be that it could elevate your stress level which might in turn increase the likelihood of an illness relapse. Should you decide to quit smoking, there are medications that your psychiatrist could prescribe that can assist you in this process. A therapist can also help monitor your mood and behavior. Both your psychiatrist and therapist would monitor changes in behavior, changes in thinking, or any other affective changes that may occur during the smoking cessation process.

I also want to add that you seem to have a great level of insight. In addition, you’re open to correcting problematic behaviors, you consistently take your medication and seem dedicated to treatment. All of these factors can help you remain psychologically stable and prevent psychotic relapses.

I hope that I’ve adequately answered your questions. Good luck and please do not hesitate to write back if you have any additional questions. Please take care.

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Mood Swings and Depression Caused By Birth Control?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a few questions about mood swings, depression, anxiety, etc. First, the background: I have been taking hormonal birth control pills for 16 years. After the first 3-4 years I began having terrible mood swings; I would cry over nothing, develop into a rage that would simmer for quite a while, and occasionally throw things and punch walls and pillows. I talked to my doctor about it and he put me on an antidepressant. First we tried Paxil, but it made me dizzy and it also made my sex drive vanish. Then we tried Effexor XR and I felt better almost immediately. Years later I thought that maybe my brain chemistry had changed and I tried to go off the Effexor but it was horrible to say the least. I had brain shocks, terrible headaches where I couldn’t even move my head, and I was back to the crying and rage behavior. I was also in bed for a solid week with the symptoms. I was so miserable that I went back on the Effexor and now I feel fine again. My question is this: Could all these issues be related to being on the birth control pill for so long? Did I maybe only need the Effexor to handle the side-effects from the birth control? I’m also worried that I have irreparably damaged my brain with these chemicals and will never be the same off them. I’m wondering too because my husband and I would like to have a child within the next 2 years or so, and of course I’ll need to be off both meds by that time. Also, I’d really like to stop putting all these hormones and toxins into my body on a daily basis.

The only way to know if the moodiness is being caused by the birth control pills is to stop taking all of your medication. I am not recommending that you do this, especially without the assistance of your doctor, but it may be the only way to untangle the truth.

It is difficult to determine a cause and effect relationship between the birth control pills and the moodiness. Moodiness is a common side effect of birth control. It is very possible that if you were not on birth control you would not need the Effexor. It may also be true that your brain chemistry has been altered because of the birth control, although that would be very difficult to determine. The only way to know that information would have been to have taken a chemical or hormonal reading before and even then there would likely be no clear answer.

I would recommend speaking to your doctor about this issue. Perhaps you are not taking the correct type of birth control pills. Given the fact that you had such a strong reaction to them, alternatives should have been explored. A different type of birth control may have had an entirely different and more positive effect on your mood.

It might also be helpful if you met with a professional therapist for assistance with the moodiness. He or she might be able to determine if your mood swings are related to the birth control or part of an underlying personal struggle or mood disorder. I would especially recommend seeing a mental health professional when and if you decide to discontinue the birth control and antidepressants, to have children. During that process, there will likely be a psychological adjustment that you will go through and having a therapist to assist you during this process is advisable. If you would like to search for a therapist in your community, please consult this directory. Thank you for your question.

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Postpartum Loss of Libido

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I completely lost the desire to have sex after having my first baby 2 years ago. My sex drive never returned. Ever since I had a baby, I have not wanted to have sex at all. Just the thought of it would be a complete turn off. Of course, it’s starting to take a toll in my relationship and I just want to fix this problem. I am now pregnant with my second only for the fact that I just did it with him a few times to keep him happy. But sex actually is very painful for me. There is no position that I tried that doesn’t hurt. I haven’t had a sex drive in a little over 2 years now and something is telling me that it isn’t right. My boyfriend’s mom thinks it maybe be trauma related. I was a teen mom, getting pregnant at 15 and having my first baby at 16. Could that be possible? I need professional help. I don’t know what else to do.

A; I’m so, so sorry this hasn’t been dealt with long ago. Your mother-in-law is right. It’s highly possible that this is a psychological response to getting pregnant so young. But it’s also possible that something happened to you physically during the birth of your first child that is making sex so painful. Of course, it could be both.

The first thing to do is to have a very, very honest talk with your OB/GYN. Be as specific as you can manage. Ask for a thorough exam. Since your doctor has been focused on your pregnancy, it’s possible that a physical problem hasn’t been seen or understood. Also talk about whether you should see an endocrinologist to check hormone levels. It’s also possible that your body never fully recovered from pregnancy. ((That may be hard to determine right now since you are pregnant again.) The point is — get a complete and thorough physical workup to rule out an undiagnosed medical issue.

If you check out physically, it’s then time to seek out a mental health counselor to further explore the trauma issue and whether there are psychological reasons for you to be uninterested in sexual contact and in pain when you try. It would be a shame, indeed, for you to give up on the closeness and sweetness of a physical relationship with someone you love due to an unresolved issue from your early teen years.

You are only 18. You’ve jumped into adult life very early. You have huge responsibilities with a toddler and a baby on the way. I very much hope that you have a loving partner and that the two of you are finding a way to build a strong family. I hope you have support and practical help of older people who care about you as well. You’ve chosen a hard path but not an impossible one.

I’m very glad you wrote. That was an important first step to fixing the problem. Now please do take the next step. Talk to your doctor. Don’t give up until you have answers. With the right treatment, I’m reasonably certain that you can reclaim your physical self.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Partner Doesn’t Trust Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my partner have been together 4 years now and been engaged for two, I love him so much and I know he loves me too but for some reason he constantly quizzes me and doesn’t have any trust in me. He says he does trust me but, for example, he will make sly comments about what i’m doing or who i’m with. I have moved 300 miles away from my home town to live with my partner so only have 2 good friends, I work in a busy office but he gets very paranoid and insecure.

Myself and his sister went on a night out with some friends who live away and we were going to stop in a hotel but he made a huge elaborate fuss about how he wouldn’t stay there and that I shouldn’t, yet he went on a night out previously but didn’t come home until 10am because he was sat in a casino playing poker! I don’t know why but he tries, more recently, to be very controlling and without directly telling me what to do he tries to “slyly” get it into conversation, he picks at everything I say especially if I mention work or a mans name that I work with he becomes extremely jealous and paranoid.

Our sex life has gone down considerably and he seems to think that it has because i don’t want to but I don’t feel like I can be intimate with someone who has so much doubt in me I have told him and he still doesn’t seem to make any changes yet expects me to. I have never cheated, texted, emailed or messaged other men, I have never been in touch with ex’s or given him any doubt but his attitude towards us is that I have no sex drive and that’s all the issue is. How can I make him understand he can trust me and that hes pushing me away?

I’m sorry to be the one to tell you but there is no way you can make him understand he can trust you. As you pointed out, you’ve done nothing to earn his mistrust. You even moved far from home, friends and family to be with him but that isn’t enough. His anxiety about what you are doing isn’t your fault. It is coming from somewhere inside him.

I worry that his level of suspicion and his attempts to control you as the solution to his problem will only get worse. In cases like this, it often does. He is already isolating you from others and setting up rules for you that are different from the rules he sets for himself. He is already manipulating you and limiting even what you can talk about! No wonder your sex drive has gone downhill. Your whole system is telling you that something is very, very wrong.

Your boyfriend needs to do some personal therapeutic work before he is fit to be a partner. You don’t want to spend the rest of your life walking on eggshells to keep him from being upset. If he is honest with himself, he doesn’t really want the woman he loves to be afraid of him and to be unable to live a normal life because of his anxiety.

I suggest you take a break and go home. Give him time to get some therapy and to show you that he can love you and trust you and encourage you to spread your wings instead of clipping them. Only then does it make sense to go forward with the relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Partner Who’s Obsessed with Past Relationships, Clingy But Not Intimate, Jealousy with Sexual Dysfunction

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’ve been dating someone I care, but something is severely wrong. He said he loved immediately after we met and became hyper attached, obsessed with me. He was very jealous and would accuse me of cheating if I went out with friends and didn’t text for a few hours. I managed to calm down his jealousy and to his credit, he stopped worrying about much 2 months into the relationship.

Sexually, he was into cuckholding and wanted me to talk about humiliating him and sleeping with guys in front of him, telling him he wasn’t allowed to sleep with me. He wanted to masturbate to me clothed. But he also claims emphatically that he enjoys sleeping with me more than anyone ever (which I believe). This created a paradox for me with the jealousy concerns however. Concurrently he talks obsessively about his ex-girlfriends who he also became obsessed with while dating. Literally he brings them up (some from over 14yrs ago) a few times a day.

The final “straw” was when I found out that he has been essentially online obsessing and masturbating (via social media) to nearly every woman he’s either slept with or has been interested in/rejected by all the while saying he’s just not that into sex. He insists that he’s just not that sexual of a person — but masturbates 1-3 times a day, and after just a few weeks of us sleeping together he started doing things like waking up in the night next to me and masturbating despite me asking him to wake me up so we could have sex. He frequently has problems getting an erection with other women and in his last relationship didn’t have sex with her more than 12-15 times in 2 years.

His father was very emotionally abusive, but he claims his mother was very caring and that his upbringing was fairly normal. But he’s 42 and has never had a relationship longer than 2-3 years and is consumed with dating and many women. He moves every 1-2 years. He also takes great pride in being socially popular. His sister is 40 and has never been in a relationship before. She’s also HIGHLY OCD and sterilizes her apartment.

I’d like to get information about what the issue might be, as it seems pretty serious.

Here are the things that concern me. He masturbates 1 to 3 times a day, yet claims that he does not have a high sex drive. He chooses to masturbate rather than to wake you up, as you have requested, to have sex with you. He talks about ex-girlfriend’s incessantly. According to your understanding, he became hyper-attached and obsessed with you at the very start of your relationship. He is 42 and has never had a relationship that has lasted longer than 2 to 3 years. The behavior of his sister appears odd to you. He takes great pride in being popular.

Altogether, this suggests that he is quite successful in shallow relationships but is a failure in deeper relationships. Shallow relationships are simple and not at all complex. They are much easier to maintain, little is asked of the participants in the relationship. Deeper relationships are more challenging. They require skills and abilities that are qualitatively different from that of the shallow relationship. A deeper relationship is not like water. A deeper relationship, when talking about water, is when 3 feet changes to 4 feet. It is the same thing, only more of it. A deeper or meaningful relationship, involves a qualitative change. We are not talking about simply more water as the relationship deepens but we are talking about moving from water to something different and thus a qualitative change. A deeper relationship is not simply “more” of a shallow relationship. Your boyfriend is successful and has the skills necessary to thrive in a shallow relationship. However, it appears, from your written description, that he does not possess the skills that are necessary to be successful in a deeper or more meaningful relationship.

It is reasonable to conclude that in his long dating history a number of relationships would have succeeded had he possessed the skills necessary to make them work once they changed from shallow to deep. Without professional help, it is very unlikely that he will develop the necessary skills. With professional help, there is a high probability that he can develop the necessary skills.

Please bear in mind that I have not had the opportunity to work with your boyfriend. I have not had the opportunity to ask him a single relevant question. I have only the words that you have chosen to write to me. Hopefully, it is quite obvious that I do not, nor does anyone else, have the ability to diagnose someone that they have never worked with professionally. I have attempted to share my professional knowledge with you. I have not attempted to advise you or diagnose your boyfriend. I would, if I could but as I have just explained, I can’t because it simply is impossible.

If your boyfriend will not enter therapy, you could make an appointment with a professional. Though the therapist that you see will still be limited because they are unable to work directly with your boyfriend, at least they would be able to question you in great depth and you would be able to provide them far more knowledge than was contained in the short email sent to this site. Please don’t think that I am blaming you for sending a short email. If it’d been twice as long, or even 10 times as long, it would not have been enough information to have enabled me to make a diagnosis or advise you with reasonable certainty.

I cannot diagnose or do therapy over the Internet. I would suggest that he or you or both, see someone locally who will have the ability to question and probe and do therapy or at least advise with reasonable certainty. Thanks for writing.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Angry at Least Once a Day

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hey, I’m only 23 years old and I feel like I’m having a mid-life crisis. I don’t take any meds or hormones, don’t drink coffee, don’t eat sugar, get plenty of sleep (10 hours average), am not over worked, live a very low-stress life style, eat organic, go hiking at least few times a month and smaller walks more frequently, and have a very patient boyfriend of 3 years. The thing is I have very little sexual drive, except when I’m on my period, have no inspiration or creativity(I used to be very artistic), and almost every day, no matter what part of my cycle I’m in, I have at least one angry melt down where something went wrong(like trying to flip an egg and it doesn’t flip right and the yolk breaks) and sometimes it happens multiple times a day. I actually avoid cooking eggs now because I suck at flipping them. These melt-downs rarely end in tears though. I just get really really mad and I feel my temperature rise. I kind of wish I could cry more actually, and I’m wondering if hard drug use in my teenage years has affected me, and is still affecting me 5 years later. I still have happy moments through-out the day. My days are just very up and down. I feel like I have no passion left except for anger and random ideas that I’ll never actually get around to or finish. I do notice the day before my period I have an ultra-meltdown that keeps getting worse. This last time I beat up my bed and tore everything out of my closet, scattering around the room. You know, I think I actually felt better when I was smoking and drinking coffee because now I’m completely sober, I’m fully aware of what’s going on in the world and I’m mad at the whole world. I feel the pain of the whole world and the Earth and I’d rather just hide in a cave with a bunch of pillows and blankets.

Anyway, I’m just wondering what the hell is going on. I feel like I’m doing everything “right” and I still am very angry and freak out on a daily basis. I sometimes feel like I don’t know who I am as a woman, that I am not “womanly” probably because of what I see in the media(I don’t have TV and only recently got internet for the first time in 5 years). I don’t wear any make-up, no jewelry and I don’t shave. I do wear semi-feminine clothing though. Also I don’t have many friends because I live 8 miles off a crappy dirt road. Please help because I’m scaring my dog and my boyfriend.

Regarding your anger, you may be impatient. At its fundamental core, impatience is the inability to perceive reality clearly.

What’s most important is managing the emotional reaction that accompanies impatience. It’s irrational to be angry about something you can’t change. When you fully understand that fact, you will have healthier emotional reactions or no emotional reaction at all.

For instance, sitting in traffic is a time when many people experience impatience. Traffic is always irritating but especially so when you have to be somewhere at a certain time. No matter how angry you become, how long you sit there will not change. You will still have to sit in traffic for as long as it takes, not one second less.

Anger about a traffic jam is irrational and only serves to increase your stress level. A much healthier reaction would be tuning into your favorite radio station or news talk show or book on tape and enjoying the mandatory, inescapable delay.

No one’s happy to be stuck in traffic but it is one of the many things you have no power to change; don’t worry about the things you cannot change.

You might find the serenity prayer used in Alcoholics Anonymous quite instructional: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.”

Regarding creativity and inspiration, your expectations might be unrealistic. Don’t wait for inspiration to do something you want to do. Just do it. In doing something creative, that, in and of itself, can be inspirational.

Your main issues seem to involve emotional instability and unrealistic expectations. These are correctable with counseling. A therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) would probably be most appropriate. The heart of CBT is examining the connection between thoughts, feelings and dysfunctional behaviors. It could help you a great deal. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Overly Attached to Cats

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

This past year my 18 year old brother died. We were very close. In my time of grief his cats (my childhood cats) were my only source of comfort. I was never close to my mother- during my teenage years we had constant physical and emotional fights. I was always somewhat distant with my father. I have an uncomfortable relationship with my stepmom and stepsister despite making our peace. In my lifetime I have never really been able to hold on to friends for long. I occasionally meet with a high school friend and a college friend, but both have better friends they prefer to hang out with. I had another group of friends, but one of those friendships was toxic, and when I cut off that friendship the other friends stopped talking to me. Despite being in a few relationships, I have never had romantic feelings for anyone. Mainly I got into such relationships out of pity, or curiosity. I have never really been attracted sexually to anyone despite having a regular sex drive. I am currently on medication for depression and ADHD. Despite getting a master’s degree, I work a demeaning food service job. My student loans are quite large, so this year I moved in with my dad. I find this fact humiliating, but I have been unable to find decent work. Because of this I have been considering a high-paying teaching job abroad, especially since I don’t have any real attachments here. And being an avid traveller and having moved far before, I know the revitalizing effect it would have on me. The problem is that these cats are 17 years old and I’m afraid they won’t have much time to live. If I left and they died, I would be devastated, even possibly to the point of not wanting to live anymore. They would be fed and taken care of, but my other family members don’t really care about them. I couldn’t live with myself knowing their last moments were without love. But it’s getting harder to live with this feeling of not being fulfilled and I feel silly for wanting to put my life on hold for cats, especially since they could live another 5 or more years, but they are basically the only satisfying relationship I’ve ever had. I am at a loss for what to do.

Thank you for your thoughtful question and concern. I think there are three ways to view this that may be of help. First, the teaching job sounds like a good fit and revitalization sounds right. So the plan would be to make the transition to this job work, not letting it go. In other words, let’s see this as a shift toward you moving on and finding a satisfactory solution for your beloved cats.

Second, I would consider the possibility of taking the cats with you and making arrangements for their care in the country you are going to. There are several features of this perspective that I think you may find useful. While you are teaching you may be able to care directly for the cats yourself, thus extending the time with them while enhancing your own career and life choices. Then, while you are traveling, you would be able to arrange for care by either a trusted person or a care facility. This way you get the best of both worlds. You extend the time with your cats and have the direct responsibility for arranging their care, while at the same time taking care of yourself.

Finally, if you do choose to leave them, as you go I would invest in finding them a caring, loving home. Interview people who would want to care for them and find folks who have the interest and ability to extend the love you have given them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Love My Girlfriend But I’m Losing Attraction

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the US: I love my girlfriend greatly and she treats me better than I feel any other girl could possibly do. I could see myself being with this girl for quite some time because of the way she treats me. We have been together for only ten months, but moved very quickly because we have known each other for years. She moved in with me after a couple months because she lived too far away. Everything went fine for a while, but I am starting to have second thoughts and it shames me to do so because she is such a wonderful woman.

I am 24 and going to college in the GI Bill. She is 22 and has no direction. I believe her lack of motivation is part of the problem. She works 50 hours a week at a job with no opportunity for advancement. She comes home and is angry and tired, so she usually just lays down and doesn’t want to do much. I feel this is also part of my loss of attraction.

Finally, sexually we were fine at first but I found myself losing attraction to her because she doesn’t have as big of a sex drive as me. Also, she never really comes onto me like she used to. It is either I have to “initiate” the contact or nothing happens. This has caused me to lose a lot of sexual attraction to her. I have talked to her about all this and realize that there are things I could change too, but when I vocalize myself she either gets defensive and it turns into a fight or she attempts step back and put more effort into the relationship but only does this for a short period.

I know this all seems like a long rant, but I am trying to summarize the best as possible. Basically, I love this woman more than anybody I have ever had these feelings for but my sexually attraction is dissipating and I am generally just left wanting more excitement (I don’t mean strictly sexually).

I have to wonder if your girlfriend is depressed. She moved in with you from far away. Does this mean she left her family and friendship circle behind? Now she is working at a dead-end job 50 hours a week. Meanwhile, you are supported by your GI grant, and you get to go to school everyday. You get to meet people, to hang out and pursue studies that interest you.

Your girlfriend doesn’t need your complaints about how she isn’t exciting. She needs your help to have a more exciting and rewarding life. I hope you can find a way to talk with her about how you can help her explore some career options that are more rewarding. If you did some part-time work to support the two of you, could she drop some of those hours? Are the two of you developing some friendships with other young couples? If not, do talk together about how you can find other couples who share your interests. Are you finding fun things to do on weekends to enrich your lives and to give her something to look forward to at the end of a long work week?

Wonderful people are hard to find. I hope you love her enough to put in the effort to support her emotionally and to work with her to create a happier lifestyle.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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