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How Do I Handle My Father’s Inappropriate Staring?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 9th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a young woman in India: Since the age of 23, 3 years ago, I noticed my biological father has started staring at my chest. The frequency of staring kept on increasing to the extent that he never missed a chance to gaze down there. I am 26 now. I have an elder sister who is very close to him; I am not.

We are a family of four — mother, father, sister and I. I don’t live with my parents. But, whenever I visit home and when my mother is not around, my father stares at my chest. It makes me so furious and uncomfortable in my own body. I always cover up myself very decently around him. I mean always.

He is an alcoholic who used to beat up my mother when my sister and I were young. When I was 17, I stopped him from beating my mother and he was very furious. He has cheated on my mother by having sexual relations with multiple women; this piece of information was told to me by my mother herself.

Coming back to his staring problem, I was very confused when it happened for the first time. I thought I am mistaken. But, it happened again and again only when he knew nobody was around or when he thought my mother wasn’t looking. I stopped visiting home because of his perverted behavior but I still have to visit to attend some family gatherings.

After giving him multiple chances to correct his highly inappropriate behavior on his own, I decided to say something in retaliation. When I was sitting alone in our kitchen, he came to talk and took a long gaze down there. I asked him, “What is the need to look down there while talking? Even if you’re not staring and it’s just me thinking that way, you ensure that I don’t even have to feel that way again.”

He gave lame explanations like; “No, I wasn’t looking down there. You are not well mentally.” And, then he quickly went on to talk about something else. Now, here I must mention that he was a little drunk when this incident took place. Also, I must mention why he very conveniently said that I was not mentally well. I had visited a psychiatrist because I changed my career line an year and was a little anxious about it. My family knew about this.

Thank you for writing. I’m sure this is very upsetting to you. Please remember that you have nothing to be ashamed of. Your father has a history of inappropriate sexual behavior. You have probably become a target because you stopped him from abusing your mother. He retaliates by making you uncomfortable in your family home.

By confronting him directly, you were both courageous and generous. You gave him a chance to deal with the situation just between the two of you. Instead of apologizing and promising to stop staring, he tried to turn the problem onto you. This is not an honorable man.

Going for help for anxiety when you needed it does not mean that you are deficient. It means you are wise enough to get help when you need it.

You didn’t indicate why your mother has stayed with this man. She may be too dependent on him financially and emotionally to leave in spite of the way he has treated her. Telling her might give her the information she needs to finally separate from him. On the other hand, it might make things worse for her. I do not have enough information to advise you on this. You are in the position to look at the total situation and to assess what would be best. You might find it helpful to talk it over with a therapist if you can.

If you can’t get your father out of the house, then I suggest you see your mother and sister at your place or at a neutral place like a park or restaurant. You do not have to put up with his behavior just because others do.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Sister and I Were Abused By My Stepfather, Told My Mom Years Later and She Stayed with Him

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP October 3rd, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We were abused by my stepfather when we were around 11 & 6. The abuse lasted 2-3 years ,but we didn’t leave my mom until we were 18 & 13 to live with our dad.

We finally told her in our 20s about the abuse. Her response was “What am I supposed to do, you told me 2 kids too late.” She stayed married to him for 25 yrs. She divorced him and left her boys ages 14 & 9 to be with someone else. They eventually got back together and remarried recently. We did not attend the wedding.

Despite all of this we truly love our mother and she has had it tough, but I don’t think I can forgive her. My stepdad asked for forgiveness and showed true regret and I feel like I was able to forgive him. My mom says she’s remorseful but still manages to put others before our feelings, showing me that I don’t matter enough to her. She sweeps things under the rug and pretends nothing is wrong.

My sister and I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder and mine is showing to be treatment resistant. I have been married for 20yrs and have 3 kids. My sister is divorced with a special needs child. It has taken a toll on all our relationships, but my mother says we have to take responsibility for ourselves as adults. Is there a way to have a healthy relationship with my mother? (From the USA)

You can’t have a healthy relationship with someone who isn’t healthy. Your mom has made systematically bad choices in her life. She has been complicit in the abuse, abandoned her boys, remarried the man who abused her daughters, marginalized your needs and feelings, and continues to negotiate her life using the defense mechanisms of denial and minimization.

Your mom doesn’t have much to offer as a parent. Her actions, decisions and behavior point to someone who act in a ferociously self-absorbed manner. She also doesn’t seem like she has the capacity to take real responsibility for her choices and their impact on you — and it doesn’t seem as if she has sought therapy for healing herself. It isn’t possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has become the product of these very poor choices.

Yet, I do believe there is something you can do on your end of the relationship that may help. I think there are two other features that may be cultivated. First, I’d encourage you to nurture your own self-compassion for growing up with an abusive stepfather and a negligent mother. Compassion for yourself is important in evolving a compassionate stance for your mother, which I believe is what can allow you to have a civil and respectful relationship. Your mom’s way of being required that you cultivate a type of detachment from her rather than engagement. The main tool in this detachment is a compassionate stance toward her, which evolves from a compassionate stance toward yourself.

Being compassionate and nurturing your own well-being is an ongoing process. You are treating yourself in a manner similar to how a best friend would treat you. Love, encouragement and support are the messages you’ll want to give yourself. There are many techniques for developing self-compassion and this link will take you to a brief video on the bottom of the homepage that can guide you through an exercise to enhance and facilitate self-compassion.

Secondly, once you’ve been able to cultivate self-compassion I would encourage you to work on detachment. In 12-step programs, this is often referred to as detaching with love. This practice unhooks you from looking at your mom for comfort, relationship, or improvement. It allows you to acknowledge and accept who she is without trying to change her, but also without you making great efforts to help or develop the relationship. Detachment means that you stop going on the rollercoaster ride of your life is tied to hers in terms of your well-being. By turning your attention to self-compassion and compassion for her circumstance and life, you release yourself from the need to expect more from her than she is capable.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Did My Father Sexually Abuse Me as a Child?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 20th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Ireland: My father, somewhat a former drunkard, beat my little brother and my older sister (and my mother) – but I strangely can’t recall him beating me. I am gay and I am quite certain my sister and I have developed BPD thanks to him, but that is not the problem. I don’t speak to my father, though we live under the same roof. He speaks more to my other siblings.

I have an aversion towards my father and he has one towards me. I remember very very little of my childhood and have a deep rooted feeling as of the past week that something is gravely wrong – that something I am worried could be sexual abuse. I have been plagued with problems and recently stumbled upon something to do with sexual abuse whilst looking for a solution to a problem I can’t disclose, though take my word that the problem in question could very well stem from abuse. My father talks to the rest of my family but not me at this point, though often times he overcompensates for meagre things towards me. This, and not hitting me, seems like guilt to me, but I am not sure.

My aversion extends to a discomfort around my father. This is the most credible ‘evidence’ to me. I cover up when he is around. I do not walk around him in any underwear or bare chested. He has been sexually suggestive in the past (touching of bottom ‘jokingly’) (perhaps this could be the aversion and not a more serious abuse?). I keep my front facing him at all times and consciously will not turn my back to him. I am not comfortable around him, simply put.

I don’t ask for a definitive answer for that’s not possible without the help of extensive therapy, this I know, but what I do ask for is your thoughts. I want to know how likely it sounds, because in all honesty I am not sure. I am a problematic person and this could very well explain my problems. I have not simply ticked off a list, though I do know some symptoms. I just would like thoughts. Is a deep rooted feeling a sign of a more serious subconscious aversion? Does there appear to be credibility to what I suggest but that I am paranoid?

Thank you.

As you pointed out, your question can’t be answered simply. It’s certainly possible there is a history of early abuse. It’s also possible that like many dads, your dad may be uncomfortable with your emergence as a sexual being. Many dads feel some attraction and pride in their kids at this stage, but their respect for the cultural taboos against acting on that attraction keeps everyone safe. Often the dads do some distancing during this time while their relationship with their kid transitions from dad-child to dad-young adult.

Even if you are not “out” to your dad, he may sense that your attraction is to men. He may feel some attraction to you that shames and alarms him so he keeps his distance. You may be picking up on his fears so respond by doing the same. These feelings are normal. Good boundaries keep everyone safe.

This is complicated stuff for many families. Therapy would likely help you answer your questions. I encourage you to give yourself some peace of mind by talking to a counselor.

You shared that there are many other distressing issues in your family. I hope family members are open to getting some family treatment so everyone, as individuals and as family members, can have a happier future.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Half-Brother Is in Love with Me & I Don’t Know What to Do

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 3rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My half brother and i were raised separately and told he was my uncle not my brother cuz our grandma adopted him. our relationship became extremely inappropriate when he was 14 and i was 8, he raped me, not in a malicious way but still. i forgave him. grandma didnt let him have friends, he was over weight, everyone but me made fun of him, he had it rough. our mother didnt raise either of us, i was raised by my great aunt. we found out 3 years later that we were siblings. he went to prison shortly thereafter on unrelated charges for almost 20 years. now he is out and says he is in love with me, that he is addicted to me, that the happiest he has ever been was the incident in the past. i know he is still shaky from being in prison for so long and still adjusting to the outside world and i dont want to make anything more difficult on him. i am in a relationship, one i have been in for over 10 years and i hope to marry my boyfriend someday but even if i were single i would not be interested in my brother. thats not to say i didnt have confusing feelings of my own at some point but he is my brother. i want to help him but he creeps me out sometimes, and says things that i dont know how to respond to. he obsessively calls me or texts me daily. what should i do? what can i do?

Your brother’s attraction to you is anything but normal. The fact that his fondest memories stem from having raped you suggests a high level of mental instability. Rape is not only immoral, but it’s a crime. In some states, if you reported his rape to the authorities, he could still be prosecuted.

You want to help your brother, but you are not a mental health professional. You can’t help him. He needs professional help. The best way to help him is to suggest that he seek professional help.

It’s also not your obligation to help your brother. He is an adult man. He is not intellectually disabled or otherwise incapable of helping himself. Having spent 20 years in prison means that he might have a parole or probation officer who can assist him in seeking professional help. Suggest that he contact his probation or parole officer for assistance. If he is unwilling to seek help, consider reporting his behavior to his probation or parole officer.

Finally, the tone of your letter suggests that you want to protect your brother but it’s important to put this problem in perspective. There’s nothing healthy about your brother’s behavior or his desires. You should do everything in your power to keep your distance. Call the authorities if he does not stop harassing you. Obviously you do not want your brother in legal trouble but his obsessive calling and texting is concerning and might even constitute stalking.

You have to do what is necessary to protect yourself from a person who has demonstrated his inability to control his impulses and who has a history of violence. Do not discount his past behavior just because he is your brother and you feel bad. Though there are exceptions, past behavior can be predictive of future behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Father Made Me Read to Him While He Showered

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP August 19th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’ve recently been reckoning with the abuse I experienced growing up. My father was physically abusive and in addition to regular beatings (spankings), he would often threaten to smash me against the wall, or hit me in the head, sometimes doing just that. I was often made to prepare his breakfast, usually being woken up by my mom to do it.

Something I’m trying to figure out is whether or not something he did commonly counts as sexual abuse or just him being extremely inappropriate.

From the time I was 14 until I left for college at 20 he would have me read from the bible to him while he was showering. Specifically when he would be getting ready for work in the morning he’d call for me to grab his bible and join him in the bathroom. Usually, he’d wait until I was there before getting undressed and getting into the shower, so I saw him naked a lot. I really hated doing this and eventually started waiting until he was already in the shower before going in. Sometimes I would not go in at all, but then I got all sorts of questions from my parents about whether or not I was avoiding him or if I was trying to avoid this morning “bible study”

When I eventually told my partner they said it seemed like it was verging on sexual abuse. But I don’t know. I haven’t brought this up with my therapist yet, I guess because I’m scared of the answer.

Your father’s abuse was physical, psychological, and sexual. It was also compounded by your mother’s negligence in protecting you and her complicit agreement with your father’s actions and demands. Your parents’ behavior sounds like it was severely distorted by their religiosity, the excessive belief in a religion to the point where “the bible” or the teachings of a particular belief override or mask pathology. The fact that this was common means by seeing it as “bible study” your parents lost the ability to nurture and protect you properly. Forcing you to do this against your will and shaming you into doing it wasn’t a spiritually wholesome act. What was missing were any safeguards against putting you in this situation. It was condoned by both of your parents, and at that level there is no difference between something extremely inappropriate or abusive. It was pathology disguised as a religious practice.

I am glad you are dealing with these issues now. I know people often say that their parents didn’t know any better or that they did the best they could. But that doesn’t change the fact that their best wasn’t good enough. Often, by not acknowledging the limitations and exploitation generated by abusive parents we can limit our own growth. Seeing it for what it is while having compassion for the circumstances that created it can allow for you to cope more effectively.

I’d encourage you to speak to your therapist about it, if you haven’t already done so.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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How Do I Get Rid of These Toxic People?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 19th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: My mother died when I was 15 from breast cancer. Growing up, her and I never spoke or had conversations. I knew little about her. My father had been making sexual comments me since I was 12 – would encourage me to dress up in my mom’s clothes, take photos of me, and then take them to work and call me a whore. He also had this paranoid obsession that I was going to turn him in for molesting me at 12.

He didn’t last at jobs very long – every 6 months we moved since I was the age of 5. I was pretty much ignored as a kid and left to my own devices until I was 15 and I became the scapegoat of my family after my mom’s death.

A lot of the scapegoat behavior was because I didn’t grieve my mom’s death and because my dad had been saying that “the father molests the daughter after the wife dies.”

Needless to say, I was used as a punching bag and my character invalidated. It interfered with my ability to be successful in school, as the constant moving had done.

I was thrown out of the house at 17 by my dad after he began calling the police on me to get me to leave. I had never committed a crime but he was arrested on the first occasion.

I left home at 17 and started working multiple jobs. I assumed everything would resolve itself and I would be left to my own devices – struggling working 3 jobs without a high school diploma.

Instead, I received a call at 18 from my mother’s sister’s husband – who left a message while I was a work.

I only met these people once in 1996 when I was 10. But for some reason, this man who I did not know, left a message calling me a “niece twice removed.”

I moved away after that and changed my phone number and address. However, with the advent of facebook, I’ve been contacted every 3-5 years with friend requests, strange demands asking me to call them. These strangers I don’t know.

I finally confronted my mom’s sister and she never apologized for the rude message, lies about having contact with my dad, and thinks I need therapy and to find Jesus Christ.

What I really need is for all these people to stop contacting me. How do I get rid of these toxic people?

It’s so very sad but true that not every kid gets the family that she deserves. You certainly didn’t. You were living under constant threat of sexual abuse. In a twisted way, it may be that your father did you a favor throwing you out of the house. He may have known at least on an unconscious level that he could no longer control his impulses to try to have sex with you.

Please give yourself lots of credit for having the resiliency and strength of character to survive and thrive in spite of such a rough beginning. I hope you have surrounded yourself with a “framily” — friends who have become a family that loves and supports you.

Unfortunately, there is no way to “make” your uncle stop contacting you unless he has done things that are serious enough to warrant a restraining order. What you can do is learn not to let it bother you.

As you rightly point out, you don’t know these people. You don’t owe them anything. They weren’t there for you when you were growing up and they have nothing to offer you now. You have every right to ignore their attempts at contact. You needn’t feel guilty about not responding. Being angry gives them more energy than they deserve.

Treat messages from them just like you treat “junk mail.” Toss it out and forget it. Focus on the people in your life who matter, not those who don’t.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Possible Child Abuse?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 14th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hello. When I was little, my dad used to pin me on the bed to pull my underwear down and bite my bum until it bruised, all the while I kicked and screamed. I wasn’t able to sit down at times afterward. I also have brief flashbacks to when I was left home alone with him. He would call out my name in a high-pitched voice to sound like my mum, and he would get me to go in the bathroom. From where our toilet was positioned, I could see him fully. He would laugh when I went in and turn to me (still exposed). The flashback ends there, but I get this sick feeling about it. I don’t remember leaving the bathroom, and I remember him doing this more than once. I also remember someone opening my bedroom door, and I would pretend to be asleep. That’s as far as that memory goes. A lot of the time at night I would listen through the wall, but I don’t know why.

My father tried to make contact again a couple years ago, and he seemed so normal. He asked multiple times what I remember. He doesn’t remember an awful lot (he was drunk/high a lot). He would apologise for what he did. But when I asked why, he shook his head and changed the subject.

When I was younger I knew about ‘adult things’. I knew about sex, and (I still feel sick and ashamed about this still) I knew about blow jobs. I even knew the basics on what to do. The fact that I knew all this considering how old I was has confused me even more, and I don’t even know what to think a 4/5-year-old shouldn’t know about these things, and I don’t know where or how I found out about them.

Is there even a small possibility that anything happened to me when I was younger? I’ve even tried looking at websites that have lists of possible indications of repressed sexual abuse, and I ticked off way more than I care to remember.

I have an assessment this month to see a trauma counsellor, as I was raped last year.
Would it be worth bringing this up, despite no concrete evidence? I have this gut feeling, but I don’t know if I’m worrying over possibilities.

Any help would be much appreciated.

It’s difficult to know if you were sexually abused and you may never truly know unless your father admits it. The fact that he inquired about your memories and offered an apology may be his way of admitting abuse. It’s also possible that he doesn’t remember what happened because he was high. He may have his own suspicions about being sexually inappropriate with you. That might be why he apologizes without saying anything more. Alternately, it may be that he is too frightened to admit the truth.

Exposing himself to you might have constituted sexual abuse. At minimum, it was inappropriate and wrong. Your knowing about sex acts at such a young age, and his biting your rear end is unusual, both of which might be considered circumstantial evidence of abuse.

Yes, it is possible that you were abused and, yes, you should report these experiences to your new therapist. Rarely do victims have “concrete evidence” of abuse. Even if your memories are unclear, your therapist needs to know everything about your history and what you think may have happened with your father. It is good that you are seeking treatment. It is the best place to address the aftermath of these experiences. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Trust Issues with Husband and History of Sexual Abuse

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. July 11th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I need help. I was emotionally and psychologically abused growing up and sometimes physical. It has taken me all of my 20’s to finally come to terms with this, especially after having my own children. My older sisters (one is 7 years older and the other is 4 years older) had involvement with a rape when I was 17. My rapists wanted to degrade and humiliate me and I lost my virginity while being told I was ugly and worthless. I was at my sister’s apartment at the time and asked for help but she helped my perpetrators instead. Then my other sister assisted with helping my perpetrators bully me after the rape to further degrade and humiliate me. I now feel ugly and worthless. I met my husband when I was 21 and still not able to come to terms with things that happened to me in the past I continued to talk to my family. I did distance myself a lot but still saw them on holidays. I can’t shake the feeling that my husband might have had sex with my sister who is 7 years older. She is a lot prettier than me and has a boob job. After just giving birth to my second child 5 years ago, she had some inappropriate behavior toward my husband and he looked so uncomfortable (to the point of looking guilty for some kind of attraction) that he left the room. My father told me at age six that I was ugly and should not expect a man to ever be faithful to me and that all men would have to think of other women in order to have sex with me. I have often felt that my husband has not been supportive emotionally in the past when I tried to talk to him about hurtful comments that my sister would make to me at family functions. He would act as though he didn’t believe me and that I was probably making things up because I am jealous of her. Since after the two kids when she had some very obvious inappropriate behavior towards my husband I am starting to look at my husband and our relationship differently and am questioning everything. I have this sinking feeling at times that he had sex with her but I don’t have any proof. I never felt this way before, only since after the birth of my second child. I need advice about what to do with my feelings? It hurts to think that after 13 years and two children a moment of sexual pleasure with someone better than me in the looks department is more important than our history. Do men really only care about looks and are willing to risk everything for a prettier woman? I feel unloved and depressed and I just want the truth but don’t think I will ever get it.

A: I’m so sorry that you have been through all of this, but I am proud of you for admitting and acknowledging that you were abused. That is the first step to getting better. However, due to the severity and complexity of the abuse, I would really suggest that you see a mental health professional for ongoing counseling. Find someone who specializes in sexual abuse and trauma. The issues you are listing here are too serious to just be addressed in an advice column, and you have been hurting too long.

It’s hard to say whether or not the vibe you are getting about your husband is because he and your sister have done something inappropriate or just that her behavior coupled with his knowledge of how she has treated you makes him uncomfortable. This could help explain why he left the room and why he might act strangely when she is around. It’s hard to be around people who have harmed someone you love, but it is also difficult to know how to handle it when the person isn’t going away (family). Because of this and your trust issues with your husband, in addition to individual or group counseling to help you heal from your abuse, I would suggest that you and your husband get involved in couple’s therapy as well. It provides a safe format to address your concerns with him, but it could also help him learn how to better support you and what you’ve been through.

It sounds like you still spend time, at least occasionally, with members of your family who have harmed you. That’s fine and lots of people do that, but it can sometimes be helpful to take a break from contact while you are working through things and healing. Furthermore, I have worked with some clients who have made the very difficult decision to never associate with family members who have abused them. In the end, you need to do what is right for you. But please don’t believe any of the negative things your father, sisters and rapist have said to you for one minute longer. It is time to reclaim your power and reclaim your life.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Why can’t I let go of love for my abuser?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 22nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in Australia: This story is incredibly long but I’m going to do my best to cut it down and only include the most important bits. When I was 14 and in a very low place, I met a teacher at my school. She was around 30. I didn’t think much of it at first, but eventually I kept talking to her more and more and seeing her around. We grew close quickly and for some reason I just felt connected to her. One day I received a text message from her as she had gotten my number off another student.

In the beginning we talked about school, but eventually we got more and more personal. I felt like I could talk to her about anything, as she was always open and there for me when I needed her. We started messaging every day, seeing each other before and after school and calling through the nights. Eventually the relationship became romantic. I truly loved  and admired her and was so thankful to have someone that cared for me. But it was also so complex. I felt like I was walking on egg shells, as I didn’t want to say anything that would disappoint her or make her upset. I stopped talking to boys my age because I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I often kept my true feelings to myself to avoid saying things that would begin a fight. We still managed to have lots of fights anyways, and she made me feel like I was always the cause of them, however we always got through them in the end.

One of the biggest fights we had was about another student I noticed was very close with her. I questioned her if anything was going on and she said I was the only one, and nothing was happening and that I was always insecure over nothing. Deep down I knew something was there, but I didn’t want to believe it because the thought of her with anyone else absolutely shattered me, and made me feel used. This relationship went on for 3 years.

Eventually she told me something that happened with that student. I felt so broken, and hurt. It was a difficult feeling to describe, almost like no matter how much I showered there was this used feeling I couldn’t get rid of. By this time I had become so dependent on having her in my life that I felt like I couldn’t live without her. I talked to her all hours of the day, and had pushed my friends and family away. She was the only one I wanted. She apologized and promised it would never happen again and I chose to forgive her but I don’t think I ever did.

During the 4th year of the relationship, another student (the one mentioned earlier) came forward to the police about said teacher. I asked the student if we could talk and after talking I realized that their relationship was exactly like ours. She bought the same things for both of us, and did the same activities, and used the same lines. I was so hurt and angry and betrayed that I told the police too, but I regretted it instantly because I loved her and didn’t want to lose her.

She ended up being sentenced to prison for all this, which made me feel like the most horrible person to have taken her life from her. I don’t think I can ever forgive myself for what I have done.

The problem now is, I still love her and am still waiting for her in the hopes that she will forgive me when she is out of prison. Is that crazy of me? Am I just being blind? I truly feel like she is a good person who made mistakes. As much as there was bad in the relationship, she also helped me in many ways. She stopped me from self harming (a habit I picked up before I met her), made sure I ate when I was suffering from an eating disorder and talked to me for hours when I was crying about family issues. She was selfless and genuinely caring of me.

I don’t think she purposely tried to manipulate me or anything like that. I think she genuinely felt feelings for me, but that it just wasn’t right. I am also suffering from lots of issues because of this all. I feel so hopeless and guilty all the time. Sometimes I don’t eat all week or go out and have any fun because I think of her and how she is stuck in a horrible place because of me, so I don’t deserve to enjoy myself. Every time I see or hear anything that reminds me of her or of a memory we have, it is stuck in my mind for hours and I can’t focus on anything else. When I see the same car as hers, I analyze it for ages. I get so panicky when I see someone that looks remotely like her and then realize it can’t possibly be her. I can never fall asleep until the early hours of the morning, I don’t want to see any of my friends or family. I just want to be alone, with her. I also constantly compare myself to the other student. She picked her over me, by choosing to have a relationship with her too and that breaks me and makes me feel like I wasn’t good enough.

I have a bad relationship with food, I know I do, and that is the easiest way to make myself better than the other girl, by being smaller than her. So I always make sure that I am losing weight so that there is less of me than there is of her. People say it’s “abuse” (by people I mean family, police etc) because I was young and she was much older and in a position of power. But everything felt so genuine, and I really felt like she loved me. I still have so much love for her. I also didn’t say no and everything was consensual.

I guess my question is.. what happened to me? And what are all these problems I’m having now? I stopped seeing a psychologist after she was sentenced. It’s been a year of her in prison, I’m 19 now and it feels like nothing has changed. I never tell anybody about my problems because I hate asking for help and burdening people, but I really want to talk to somebody. I don’t know how to find a psychologist near me who will be able to help me with this particular kind of situation and one that won’t judge me. This situation is so complex and I understand that it would be hard for another person to understand. Do you have any advice for me? I’m sorry this is so long.

Thank you,

Thank you for writing. You did nothing wrong! You did not put this woman in prison. She did it to herself. She befriended, manipulated and abused a vulnerable 14-year-old (actually, two young teens). She is a sexual offender who was grooming you, not loving you. She belongs in jail.

This was never an equal or appropriate relationship. As a teacher, she used her position of authority and the fact you were needy and looked up to her as means to draw you in. She was so good at gaslighting you that you believed and still believe that her abuse was love. She did all the classic moves of an abuser: She gained control of you by making you think you were special. She isolated you, making you more and more dependent on her. She created a relationship where you were always on eggshells, trying not to say or do anything that would cause a fight. She created fights anyway and then made you feel like you were at fault. Apologies and presents followed — which only confused you more. Any time that you questioned her or the relationship, she blamed and shamed you. While demanding total loyalty to her, she was disloyal to you.

Don’t blame yourself! You are thinking and feeling and acting like many survivors of abuse. You are still confused. You are still taking blame on yourself. Your abuser may be in prison, but she is still in your head.

I don’t know why you stopped seeing a psychologist. You do need help to sort this out. An experienced therapist will not judge you. Your feelings are recognizable for what they are — a reaction to prolonged abuse. Sadly, your experience is not unique or as complex as you believe it is. We therapists often, too often, see something like it.

Please. Make an appointment with a licensed mental health counselor who specializes in trauma. You have recovery work to do. You deserve to free yourself of the blame and shame so that you can find real love in a real relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Boyfriend Sexually Abusive?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker June 15th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now. In the beginning I was super excited about it and I was really happy. I was a virgin going into the relationship and I had planned on keeping it that way. On the other hand, he was not a virgin and pretty experienced in sex. even before we were dating, he would try to put his hands down my pants, take off my shirt, etc. I always said no and got uncomfortable but he would do it anyway.

I was naive and inexperienced so I didn’t realize that as a red flag and asked him out anyways. shortly into our relationship he was pressuring sex, I was still uncomfortable and pushed it off as long as I could. a day before our one month I finally gave in and had sex, I cried after, I claimed I didnt know why but deep down I knew it was because I couldn’t believe what I had just done and knew I didn’t want it in the first place. after that, whenever we hung out he would push me to have sex and I just gave in.

I again, didn’t realize it was an issue. things started to get better and he didn’t push as much. but then suddenly he got a lot worse, I was drunk and called him to have sex, he came had sex with me in the car and drove off. the next morning I woke up feeling so much regret. most recently, has started just forcing himself on me and taking out his penis, trying to take off my pants and force me to have sex. it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, if he wants it he tries to get it. he once forced his fingers inside me for a solid 10 minutes while I cried. it has started to get to the point where I feel bad about myself and I don’t even want him near me. I am so scared he will force himself on me. I have been contemplating breaking up with him for a little while now and this is my biggest reason why, should I do it? ( note I have brought up my issue with him before and he’s ignored it )

Run! The simple answer to your question is “Yes”. This man is abusing your love, your trust, and your boundaries. I understand that you were inexperienced when the relationship began so you ignored the “red flags”. But why are you ignoring them now?

What he is doing isn’t the sweet intimacy of a sexual partner. He is raping you. Repeatedly. Get away. If he pursues you, tell your parents and, if necessary, get a restraining order. This is very, very serious. Then get yourself into therapy so that you can learn from the experience and deal with the after-shock of being treated this way by someone you thought you loved.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Child Sexual Bullying

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 25th, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a 32yr old special needs daughter. she doesn’t walk or talk.. she’s in diaper…I also have custody of my 12yr old grandson. He belongs to my other daughter
I’ve had him for about 6yrs..
I can barely bring myself to say the words..
But I caught my grandson touching my daughter inappropriately…very inappropriately..
Please help me..I don’t want my daughter at risk..I also don’t want my grandson removed from my care..
Does it mean that he has extreme issues?
He said he hates himself for it and that it will never happen again.. i’ve explained that it’s normal to be curious at his age bur that he ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT TOUCH HER AGAIN..
I’m worried about both of them and I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to our family..
I can get him the help that he needs I just want to do what’s best and right for both of them but I pray that can be done while keeping my family intact…
PLEASE PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE HELP US

It would have been helpful to have had the details about the specific behavior that your grandson engaged in. Without that information, it’s difficult for me to give you a thorough answer. Thus, my answer will be general in nature.

Regarding your specific question about whether or not he has “extreme” issues, the answer depends on what he did. The fact that he seems remorseful is a good sign. It means that he is sorry and seems to realize that he has made a very big mistake.

In the meantime, it would be best that he never be left alone with your daughter. Though he seems remorseful and embarrassed, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. If I knew more, I would be better able to predict whether or not he would repeat his behavior. At 12 years of age, he’s very immature and inexperienced and has limited control over his behavior. This may be especially true when it comes to his sexual impulses. He may have been acting out of curiosity or immaturity but no matter the reason, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. Thus, try to ensure that the two of them are never alone. That might involve acquiring additional help in your home (nurses aid, etc.) or perhaps installing a surveillance system.

I would highly recommend that you take him to counseling. The therapist will gather information about the details of the event, his psychosocial history, and so forth, and make a judgment about how to move forward and what kind of treatment is necessary. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong and nothing like this can ever happen again. It would be advisable for you to go to counseling with him, at least for the first few sessions. You need to be involved in his treatment. The therapist will offer you guidance about how to handle the situation and how to protect your daughter.

If this continues, your grandson risks going to jail and being labeled a sex offender. Even though he is quite young, and under the age of 18, he can still be labeled as a sex offender. In the United States, these individuals are referred to as juvenile sex offenders. This label can sometimes stay with them even into adulthood. Juvenile sex offenders are placed on registries much like their adult counterparts. Being on a registry can be a lifelong sentence. Obviously, that something the family would want to avoid.

Generally speaking, juvenile sex offenders tend to harm other children. Sometimes they target family members. Your daughter cannot fend for herself and thus may be an easy target for an offender. The best way to prevent this from happening again, is to seek treatment for your grandson. With the right help, future problems can hopefully be avoided. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Sexual Abuse?

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 11th, 2021
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have a question for you. I come from a very dysfunctional family. There is a history of alcoholism and sexual deviancy and abuse throughout both sides of my parents’ lineage.

My question is this: Do you consider what happened to me to be sexual abuse?

My father would sleep with me in bed with him for years. He would put his hands down my pants and hold my bare bottom and put his hands between my thighs (as if to warm them). This is how we would “snuggle up and prepare to go to sleep” every night for years (I was approximately 5-12 years of age…maybe younger) whenever my mother was out of town. This is what I remember, I have always remembered it, and I never thought there was anything wrong with it until I had my own children (two girls, 17 and 23). At that point, I guess, I realized it was “inappropriate” Of course, if ANYONE had ever done this to either of my girls….I would have pressed charges. Or Worse.

My father died when he was 42, and I was 17. My mother recently died at 72. Both of cancer. Both physically healthy before the CA diagnosis.

My father was reared by his alcoholic mother and she had 5 husbands. The primary “father”; to my dad was a millionaire transvestite. My mom and dad named my oldest brother after this man. My mother’s parents were raging alcoholics who both died from alcohol related illnesses. My father was sexually molested by one or more of his “dads.”

I have two biological brothers, 52 and 56 years old, and one younger sister who was adopted from Vietnam. I am 48 y/o. My oldest brother “felt me up” one time when I was about 12 y/o and he was 20 or so. My other brother, 4 years my senior, tried to kiss and I believe would have had sex with me, when I was 17 and he was 21.

I have spent my entire life believing that what my dad did for years was “no big deal” But…..my life has been a textbook case of one who was molested. I have been filled with self-loathing, shame, self-destructive behaviors, dysfunctional relationships…all with men 10-20 years older than me, and rage….so much rage. I began my healing journey 2 years ago after my mother died. I came to an epiphany, that I WAS abused, that what all three men had done to me WAS abuse, and crossed boundaries that were devastating to me, and had devastating effects on my life, and the lives of my two girls.

I told my three siblings about my “epiphany” shortly after I had it in 2016, and they proceeded to cut me out of my mother’s will (as my oldest brother is an attorney and the executor of the will) and their lives. They called me a liar and a thief.

I am currently doing a lot of “work” on my codependency and being reared by a narcissist. It was not until this week, that it occurred to me that I needed to address being a victim of incest, sexual abuse.

Please tell me what you think. I know that even asking you is part of my sickness, my codependency, but I cannot help it and would be so grateful to hear your thoughts on what I have written here.

Thank you in advance for any time you could give me in response to this letter. I know you are very busy and I am so grateful for the work you are doing. Even the little bit I have heard you speak has given me such great insights, information, confirmation, and empathy. Thank you again for ALL YOU DO.

Warmest regards,

I deeply admire your resilience and acting on an epiphany. It is not uncommon for someone revealing their abuse in a family to be cut off by others who were abusive themselves or did not act to prevent it from happening.

Trust yourself. Seek out the therapy that is needed. You are not likely to get anything you need from your family and they are not likely to be forthcoming with help. However, there is an organization Co-Dependents Anonymous that has support for the kind of issues you’ve been facing. Check them out for regular meeting and also find a good therapist. The Find Help tab at the top of the page will help you locate someone in your area.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Sexually Abused by my Step-Brother

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW April 2nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know what to do, when I was a child I was sexually abused by my step-brother and this went on from ever since I can remember up until I was around 13, I have memories from when I was 6ish, but there only vague so it could have happened earlier as I understand that with sexual abuse, when your so young, it’s hard to process what’s going on and therefore you may not recollect it which is why abusers target young children.

When I was 13, one day I just broke down and refused to go school, locked myself in the bathroom etc and just cried – I then ended up texting my dad (who was at work) everything that had gone on with my step-brother, from grooming, touching to actual intercourse and rape – my dad rang my mum and explained everything to her, so I then didn’t have to go to school.

Later on that evening, my brother was kicked out and ever since we’ve not spoken about what happened, I feel dirty, and I feel as though my parents are ashamed of me for what happened, they have never offered me support or spoke to me about what went on, after i text my dad, telling him everything that was it – it’s almost like I was expected to forget about everything.

I just can’t cope. I now have a boyfriend, been with him for 2 years and 3 months now, and I’ve told him everything in which he was really supportive, but, I still have really bad trust issues and I hate intimacy and sexual intercourse – how do I get around this? and why did my parents ignore it all and ignore my screams during the night (well mum did, dad lives away from the family home) – I’m 20 now, why isn’t all of this getting easier, only harder ? 🙁

It’s becoming increasingly difficult for you to deal with these issues because they remain unresolved. Typically, problems such as these don’t simply go away and you should not expect them to. Therapy could assist you.

As a child, your parents could have sought professional help for you after having learned what your brother had done. They failed to help you and unfortunately you are paying the psychological price.

Intimacy and trust issues related to sexual abuse are very common problems in counseling settings. As a child, you had very little power but as an adult you have the power to choose to seek help. I would recommend seeing a therapist who specializes in trauma or sexual relations issues (sex therapist).

The fact that you have chosen to write this letter may indicate that you are ready and open to seeking professional help. It also helps that you have a supportive boyfriend. You can gain a great deal of support in therapy. I hope you will consider it. You will be glad that you did. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
Mental Health & Criminal Justice Blog

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Nightmare, Memory, Confusion of Being Sexually Abused

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 21st, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I was 14-17, I lived with a physically and verbally abusive step-father who constantly insinuated that I was gay. I didn’t know how to stand up for myself then. I remember a particular night, waking and feeling barely aware, as if I’d been drugged, and unable to move. I actually don’t know if this is, in fact, a memory or if it was a nightmare, but it was very realistic. I was in my room, in my bed, and every detail about the room is there. I distinctly remember seeing the hallway light and this man my mother was married to standing at the door. He comes into the room and forces oral sex on me. All I remember is gasping for air and being unable to move my arms. To this day, 18 years later, I’m not sure if this experience was just an awful nightmare or if it is a memory. During this time, I also began suffering from sleep apnea and have had trouble sleeping since then. My life has generally been stressful since those years for various reasons. For example, I learned last year that I have seizures in my sleep (in addition to the daytime ones that began 10 years ago). I’ve done pretty good at not letting myself feel like a victim, especially since I have confusion regarding the past. But I have always wondered if I was drugged and raped as a minor. And if this is why my life has been stressful, why I seem to lack self-confidence, why I developed epilepsy and sleep issues. I don’t know how to feel about it. Should I try to unlock any buried memories? Should I just shrug and bury the whole thing, move forward and all that? Will any of this help me better address the stresses I have? How important is it to resolve this? I am being treated for both the apnea and the epilepsy.

It would be very uncommon, for an issue of the type that you have described, to cause sleep apnea and epilepsy. However, sleep problems are often accompanied by altered dream states. For instance, vivid dreams, feelings of paralysis, nightmares and what some would call lucid dreaming, are often the result of sleep disorders.

Were you sexually abused when you were 14 to 17 years old? There is no way to know. One can only speculate. Even hypnosis could not be trusted to provide certainty. False memories are associated with the hypnotic process. Even if your stepfather were to confess to the occurrence of this abuse, we could not be sure that he was telling the truth. Perhaps he would lie just to hurt you or to falsely take responsibility for your suffering and thus show him to be the powerful victor. It would be very difficult and perhaps impossible to know if the sexual abuse actually occurred or was only a vivid dream.

Finding the answer that you seek, would do nothing to help with your current problems. It would not help the sleep apnea, the epilepsy, the lack of self-confidence or your level of stress. Whether or not sexual abuse actually occurred is of no relevance to your treatment. Therapy will help you, just as significantly, in either case. I would expect your circumstances to make you a nearly ideal candidate for successful treatment and impressive results.

I hope you will consider my suggestions but, in any case, I wish you the very best. Thanks for writing and feel free to write again.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Am I a Child Abuser?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 2nd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

When I was a child (6-8 at most) I pretended to have sex with my younger sister whilst we played families I didn’t really know what it was at the time. I never really thought about it until now after I saw a girl tell how her cousin abused her when she was 6 under the pretence they were playing house. I feel really guilty. Does this mean I abused my sister?

If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about what you mean by the phrase “pretended to have sex.” What exactly did you do to pretend? Your version of pretend sex might be very different than what others would do, especially because you were so young.

In addition, I would also inquire about what may have prompted this behavior. Was it something you had witnessed? Was it something you were curious about? Sometimes, when people are exposed to sexual activities or behaviors as a child, they attempt to re-create these with others.

Studies show that it’s quite normal for children to engage in sexual behavior. At least 50% of children will engage in some type of sexual behavior before the age of 13. In one study, at least 73% of those questioned about their own sexual experiences before the age of 13, recalled engaging in sexual behaviors with other children.

In one study of children without a history of abuse, it was common for them to engage in sexual behaviors which included putting their tongue in another person’s mouth while kissing, rubbing their body against others, and touching children’s and adult’s genitals. These types of behaviors were more common in children ages 2 to 5 years old than older children ages six through 12. It seems as though these behaviors diminish as a child gets older. Most children eventually stopped exhibiting those behaviors due to embarrassment, fear or being punished by a parent.

Less common sexual behaviors in young children included those imitating intercourse. Such behaviors may imply that a child has been sexually abused but further evaluation would be needed to make such a determination.

As I mentioned above, one of the questions I would have for you is what prompted you to attempt this with your sister? It may have been a sign of abuse.

Studies have also indicated that children who engage in a greater variety and frequency of sexual behaviors that involved others may have done so because of their environments. For instance, those living in a foster care home or attending child care services were shown to have increased frequency of observed sexual behaviors. The reason, researchers theorized, especially among those in child care settings, was that there were more opportunities for children to interact with each other in both sexual and nonsexual ways.

In addition, if a child lives in an environment where sexual activities are openly occurring, or they are poorly supervised or have easy access to pornographic materials, this can increase their likelihood of openly engaging in sexual behaviors.

I cannot say with certainly whether or not you abused your sister. I do not have enough information to make that determination via the internet, but pretending to abuse her is not the same as actually abusing her. By definition, pretend means “to speak and act so as to make it appear that something is the case when it is in fact not.” The key part being the latter phrase, “when it is in fact not” the case. Based on your letter, it would seem that you did not touch your sister and therefore could not have actually abused her. I would recommend meeting with a therapist to discuss this issue in greater depth. It could assist you in gaining clarity about what happened. Thank you for your question. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Can’t Stand to Be Touched

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 2nd, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Finland: Hi, thanks for reading me.

As a child I was sexually abused, first a neighbor, then when I was 11 my father. When everything blow up, my father talked to me and explained that he had alcoholism, but now he was sober, and it’ll never happen again. My family continued as a normal family, until my mom finally divorced him several years later.

I developed bipolar disorder with psychotic features, and my adult life has been a roller coaster, but I get along with my both parents, as a normal relationship, the subject is rarely mentioned. I did not blame them for the past, but finding a way to get stable has been hard, and most of the times they have been absent in my crisis.

This last year I’ve been working with a new therapist, and she has helped me a lot with my “weird ideas,” and voices, etc. I’ve been doing a big effort to grasp the reality, my reality. As a result, I am getting more functional, and starting to desire things, like having friends, or maybe a boyfriend. But there’s an issue, I can’t stand being touched, that’s one of the reasons my relationships never work.

And with it, I’m feeling really angry, specially at my dad, because of what he did, I know is totally out of time, but is there, I can’t hardly see him, I can’t stand him, actually I’m moving to another state, to be far away from him.

I tried to talk to him. I was like, I understand it was your alcoholism, and wasn’t your intention, and you have changed a lot since then, but I feel it had consequences. He told me it was in the past, that I had to let it go, etc.

And now I don’t know what to do, I feel guilty for being so mad, but I am. I feel I’m being unfair. All I want to do is keep my stability and being able to relate to others, but don’t know how.
Help me please.

 

It’s not at all unusual for a person who has been sexually abused to have fears about being touched. It’s not inappropriate for you to continue to be angry. It’s not realistic or appropriate for your father to believe you can just “let go” of what he did to you. His explanation that “alcohol made me do it” is how he is avoiding his responsibility for hurting you. He still owes you a heartfelt apology.

You can’t afford to wait for that apology to get on with your own life. It may never come. Even if he did apologize, you still are left with the consequences of being abused by a man you trusted. The good news is that you can heal without his apology, permission or participation.

You’ve made marked progress in your therapy. I am so glad you found a therapist you can really talk to and work with. Your letter didn’t indicate why you wrote to us here at LifeHelper instead of talking to her about this issue. I’m guessing that discussions about abuse, touch and sex are particularly scary for you and your letter is a first step in dealing with them.

To me, your letter shows you are ready to go to the next level of treatment. You have done impressive and important work so far. You have allowed yourself to trust a therapist and become an active participant in your treatment. Your letter shows you to be intelligent and sensitive. My vote is for you to take a deep breath, find your inner courage, and talk to the therapist who has been so helpful to you. It might help if you shared your letter and this response with the therapist as a way to introduce the topic.

From what you told me about your therapy experience so far, I have every reason to believe that your therapist will help you manage these issues with sensitivity and good support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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How Can I Get My Mom to Believe that I’m Depressed?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker January 30th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I was molested as a child by my grandfather and I never told anybody about it until recently. I suffered from severe depression since I was 5-6 because of this. I told my mom last year and she was helpful and said that she would take me to a psychologist and said that she was here to help. My mom started crying when i told her and said that it was all her fault and i told her that it wasn’t but then she started making it about herself and saying that she could of been molested too even though she does not recall ever being molested.

Its been over a year now and my mom never took me to a psychologist as she promised she would. I suffer every day and often cry myself to sleep since I can’t cope with it anymore. Any time that somebody brings up a psychologist, my mom simply laughs and says that people now a days are so delicate and psychologists dont help and are only for crazy people that have low self-esteem.

My mom also favors my brother a lot ever since we were little it seems as if everything i say something it goes in through one ear and out through the other but when my brother says something its like if shes in love with him. My mom yells at me all day long she turns to my brother to hug him and tell him that she loves him and then will turn to me and start yelling at me and making me do things around the house while my brother is on his phone the whole day.

If I cry my mom says im weak and a baby and she says that she should be the one crying. At this point I just wish i could feel comfortable with my own mom or tell her something nicely without getting yelled at. My mom says that im always rude but everytime i talk in a nice way she just yells at me and brings me down. At this point I have given up and I feel like nobody is ever gonna be here to help me since my mom is the only one that knows about me being molested because she said my dad or family cant know because she doesnt want to be humiliated because of her father.

I’m so very sorry you have been feeling so alone for so long. It’s true that not everyone gets the mother that they want or deserve. It sounds like your mother has issues of her own that are preventing her from being able to support you. It may also be that she can’t stand feeling responsible for not protecting you and so doesn’t want to deal with what happened to you.

The good news is that you do have two parents. I encourage you to confide in your dad. You are a kid. It is not your job to protect your mother from possible humiliation. In this case, if anyone should be humiliated, it is her father, not her. Regardless, adult humiliation takes a back seat to child suffering. Reach out to your dad or some other adult relative you trust to get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I be Considered a Pedophile Because of My Thoughts?

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. January 14th, 2021
written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

I’m 22 year old male. Over last couple of months I have been coming to terms with the fact that I was probably sexually molested by my father at early age. I’ve had a pretty hard childhood filled with low self-esteem, bullying, constant shame and guilt over the smallest things, being disgusted and ashamed of my body and feeling empty inside. I had a strange relationship with my father, always being afraid of him touching me and feeling repulsed by him although he always seemed ‘nice’ and gentle and too much interested in my life and he never hit me, I felt a creepy vibe from him. I was also very often touching my sexual organs (I don’t mean to masturbate, but rather like something was ‘off’ with them). I had strange fascination with rape and had hard time coming to terms with my homosexuality. Recently I’ve been diagnosed with OCD and I started taking medication for it. Here is my main problem. Not long ago my older sister gave birth to a baby boy. I’m afraid that close contact with my father will lead to him being sexually abused, so I warned my mother and sister about my suspicions. The strangest and hardest thing though is that recently I’ve started sexual fantasies (or rather obsessive thoughts) about newborn babies (mostly boys, I assume my nephew as well although I’ve never seen him nude) and young kids. I’ve been trying very hard not to have this thoughts but they are haunting me terribly (visions of me touching children, masturbating and raping them anally orally and vaginally of them suffering, sometimes also these thoughts about family members and people I know) sometimes these thoughts and visions are causing a sexual tension or even erection in me, although I would rather hurt myself before I’d allow myself to do that to others. My question is: should I feel guilty about these thoughts? Are they common for people who were molested and may be connected to my own vague memories from my past? Are they related to my OCD? I’m planning to start therapy for sure, but it may take some time, so I’d be really grateful if my questions could be answered, at least shortly.

A: You have some very important questions that I really can’t fully answer without a formal assessment. I’m glad that you plan to start therapy and hope you have made progress on that already because that’s really the only way to get the answers you seek.

I can let you know that being sexually abused as a child can impact your own sexual development and can lead to dysfunctional thoughts and behaviors, but it doesn’t always. There are many people who have been sexually abused that do not report these issues.

I can also affirm that having odd (and sometimes very disturbing) obsessions and fixations is a common symptom of Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD).  It is possible that the birth of your nephew triggered something within you, even if it was initially protective and loving, but now it has morphed into something destructive and out of control. 

It is also possible that the combination of both issues is the catalyst for the state you are in now, in that the possible sexual abuse and the OCD are negatively interacting with each other, creating a bigger problem for you.

The important thing is to get help soon. You stated that you would not act on your thoughts, but why even risk it?  Seek professional help now and try to find someone who has expertise in the areas you are struggling with. Thanks for writing in.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

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Husband Sexually Abused Our Daughter

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW August 22nd, 2019
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Three days ago I found out that a year ago my husband sexually abused my daughter. I don’t know what to do I love my daughter very much and I love him I will protect her at all costs, I have put locks on her door locks on the bathroom and she is not left alone with him. I confronted him but he denies it stating he loves our baby very much and would never hurt her. I want to believe him but I could never not believe her. I want to know if our family unit is savable would therapy help what should I do. I don’t want to be a bad mother and I don’t want to lose my family.

I can’t even imagine how painful and confusing it is for you to hear that your husband sexually abused your daughter. In spite of your overwhelming feelings and confusion about who to believe, you are required by law to report the suspected abuse. Here is a link to the Florida Abuse Hotline so you can report it immediately and they can begin investigating. As your daughter’s mother, you must protect her first, over your husband and over your marriage. How you handle this situation, and whether or not you believe her, support her, and protect her will largely determine how well she recovers from the trauma throughout the rest of her life.

I strongly suggest that you immediately ask your husband to find a temporary place to live until the abuse investigation has been completed in order to protect your daughter, and that you get your daughter into treatment with a therapist specializing in sexual abuse as soon as possible. Click the Find Help link at the top of this page or ask for some recommended therapists from the department of children and family services when you call to report.

I have so many questions for you. How did you find out? How old is your daughter? Is your husband your daughter’s father or stepfather? Does your husband have any history of sexual offenses? But all of these questions are secondary to protecting your daughter and to reporting the alleged abuse. Reporting and protecting will likely require you to put your own fear of losing your marriage and family on hold temporarily so you can take the necessary steps to protect your daughter.

I don’t know whether your family is salvageable because at this point there are too many unknowns. If your husband did in fact abuse your daughter, he will need to participate in intensive treatment, face the legal consequences for his abusive behavior, and take responsibility for his abhorrent behavior. Even then, a large determining factor will be whether your daughter wants to have any kind of a relationship with him.

The most important and immediate factor here is protecting your daughter and doing what is in her best interest. So again, here is my recommendation for your course of action:

  1. Report the alleged abuse to Child Protective Services
  2. Ask your husband to live elsewhere while the facts get sorted out by the authorities
  3. Get your daughter into treatment

I wish you well in this extremely difficult situation. Take good care.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Sexual Abuse and Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 14th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

From when I was 8 years old my parents were in a ‘Swingers’ Club. They did this openly in front of me and my siblings. They held meetings at alternating homes of members. The night it was at my home we were told to stay in our rooms. I couldn’t stay in my room as it was used to put members babies so I stayed in my brothers room. My mother came in naked to show us how she had been body painted. I’d also seen a photo of her that she showed me from a previous party with her naked and painted.

Eventually one of the women in the group was a ‘second’ wife to my father. Weekends I would stay with her,sleep in her bed. She eventually moved into the family home with her two children. She was lazy and I was left to parent the children most of the time. However, she was very loving whereas my parents, especially my mother never showed affection, was cold, emotionally distant.

This went on for many years. I was also sexually abused by one of the members and also an uncle but that is another story really. What I am writing to you for is that I thought I had worked through this but it is literally ‘haunting’ me a the moment to the point where I feel suicide will be the only relief. I know that is irrational but this ‘feeling’ I am carrying, anguish, stress, anger I fel like I’m about to explode.

I haven’t seen my father for over a year and currently I’ve told my mother I can’t see her. She is still cold, blames my father for everything. I have tried therapy with both of them but they blame each other, skip around the entire issue and do not validate or acknowledge what they did. The weekends I spent alone week after week when I was a kid while they went out to thier swingers club. I was going to take my uncle to court for molesting me but my father said ‘why would I want to do that, *hit happens’ No support, just gives you and idea of how bad things were.

I could go on for hours. Just would like to see written from you what this would do to a child growing up. Why does it keep coming up to haunt me? When I see my parents I feel numb, because I have to hold down my anger, shame etc you name it every human emotion that would rip a person to pieces.

Abuse in childhood can and often does have a negative effect on development. Good parenting can have an avalanche effect. One positive action can affect hundreds or perhaps thousands of other areas of the child’s life. Unfortunately, a similar truth exists for those who experience poor parenting. Poor parenting creates a negative avalanche effect. Parenting is critically important in the development of a psychologically healthy individual.

The easiest and most efficient way to deal with this problem is to go to counseling. You’ve tried counseling with your parents and it was unsuccessful. It was worth a try but it didn’t work. Individual counseling would be a much better option for you at this time. At some point during the counseling process it may be advantageous to confront your parents. No apology, no matter how profound or sincere, can change the past and the emotional pain that you have endured. You cannot change your past but you can change the future and counseling can help you to do this.

It is important to understand that while you have been damaged by your childhood, healing is possible. Others have been successful and you can too. You are considering suicide because your emotional pain and suffering is so great but please understand that suicide is never the answer. It takes time and therapy is a process but personal growth and healing is the expected outcome.

I am so sorry that you had to endure the things that you wrote about. It was unfair, terribly unfair. Many people have undergone severe childhood abuse. No one that I am aware of has endured this abuse and been left unscarred. However, every case that I am aware of has responded very well to counseling and almost all of these victims of childhood abuse are all now leading happy, successful lives.

Good luck in your efforts.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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