Tag:

Sexual Affair

I Feel Trapped by Situation I Caused

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 14th, 2023

From Finland: I am in 10 years committed relationship. I have had an affair for two years. Two years of lie and cheat to both sides. Can’t let go of one or the other one.

Got the affair partner pregnant 3 months ago, as soon as I heard of it I ran away and cut almost all connections with her. Not because I don’t love her or not because I am afraid of being parents. Just because I am afraid to tell anyone specially my girlfriend. She is extremely invested in this and if she’d know half of this she will lose herself in worst ways imaginable.

I hate myself for doing this to her, but it is too little too late. On the other hand because of all my lies to affair partner, I have given her the worst picture of me imaginable. And I am abandoning my child. I never imagined being the person I am today, if you can even call me that. I always thought myself to be generally a good person, but living in a lie for two years and lying about everything and putting two people I care about to point of break and ruin, has made me not recognize myself anymore.

I don’t know what to do? I am generally a person who is good at fixing things and situations around, but this one is out of reach. I feel trapped, I know I can be a good father and partner for my child and pregnant mistress! I want to show that to her, I want prove to myself that I can do it but I am trapped, I feel trapped.

My girlfriend (not knowing anything) still sees me as this great guy who she fell in love with. My affair partner sees me as a coward, liar and the cheat that I am. If I leave my girlfriend and tell her that I have a child with another woman, when she has been wanting a child for years and despite all our efforts it never happened, she will be suicidal.

Please help me, please. Advice me, I am feeling worthless and based on what I wrote I am. But please help me fix this for everyone. For my girlfriend, for my affair partner and my child. I don’t want anything for me, Just their happiness. Then I will feel good. Please help.

What a sad and complicated situation. You’ve taken the first and important step. You’ve decided you need to do something instead of run away or continue the lies. That’s the first step towards being the responsible man you want to be — but only the first step.

I can’t tell you what to do, of course. The situation is much too complex and it involves several other people besides yourself. So the next step is to locate a local therapist who can do what I can’t. He or she will be able to hear the whole story and, knowing your country’s resources and laws, can provide you with some direction.

Once you’ve handled the immediate crisis, it’s important that you continue therapy to figure out why you allowed yourself to lose yourself so completely. You need to do this work so you can reclaim your sense of yourself as a decent man and can treat both of these women (and the child) with the respect they deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 14, 2023 0 comment

I Think My Relationship Is Destroying My Personality

by Holly Counts, Psy.D. May 28th, 2022

written by Holly Counts, Psy.D.

It’s been three years since I have been in a on-and-off relationship. He was a gentleman (which I think was my made up concept) during the start of the relationship. He later on turned to be a monster for me. He cheated on me (as much as I know) around 5 times. The first girl made her entry after the first month of our relationship. I thought people make mistakes and that they deserve forgiveness, so I decided on giving him his first chance. Moreover I had this sympathy for him that made me go back to him always. His sister used to tell me that he had a bad childhood and he wasn’t given care then, so she had told me to take care of her baby brother. And he lost his father when he was in his 10th grade. All this made me give him chances over and over again.

The second time he cheated, I thought I had something that was to be changed in me, and thats why he is doing it again. And keeping all his sister’s words in mind, I gave him a chance again. Third time was the most shocking incident among all this!! HE HAD A GIRLFRIEND ONE YEAR BEFORE OUR RELATIONSHIP. HE WAS DOUBLE DATING FOR A YEAR!!! This left me in pieces but again they made me a fool by saying that they both broke up! (Later on I came to know it was a play between them.)

The fourth time it was his “best friend.” The fifth time, again, the other girl. And by this time, they had sex too. We broke up for a while during this time. But, his sister called me up again and said all the usual things. After this, he said he will treat me properly, and he was perfect for a month or so. But after that, all his exes started coming back one by one (he claims them to be his best friends though). And he meets them all, clicks pictures with them and uploads them on facebook. And he thinks I am ugly to show to the public, and that I am fat. He used to ignore me a lot. Not ignored actually he still does. I tried to justify by answering myself as to whether he might be busy with his exams, college or maybe some other reason which he doesn’t want to disclose to me. Even if he talks, he swears at me. One day, since I was with my parents, I couldn’t pick his calls, so he called me around 12:30 AM while I was fast asleep and sweared me till 3:00. I cried and begged him not to do that. But, he laughed and kept calling me a slut and that went to the extent of swearing my family too.

I have had enough in this relationship. But I don’t know what to do. Every time I try to break up, he approaches the other way where he knows I would fall for him. He hardly talks to me now. He thinks I ask for too much of his time. His phone is busy all the time and even though he is online, he wouldn’t reply to my message. All this has affected me in a negative way. I am no longer calm as I used to be, no longer strong, I feel very weak! I believed in loyalty before. But now, I don’t think it exists. I have become very short tempered, I fight with him daily (though he doesn’t even a bat an eye even if I do). And now, he blames me that my character is makes him avoid me. I cry myself to sleep everyday. I lost my friends because of him. He hated all my friends and sweared me many times for keeping contacts with my friends. I feel so lonely most of the time now. I have no one to talk to. Is it really my character that is causing all this problem??!! I seriously don’t know what to do. This is been my 3 year problem. And I need a solution to this. (age 18, from India)

No, it is not your character that is causing the problem. It sounds like you are in an abusive and controlling relationship and you need to do everything within your power to break it off permanently! He is very disrespectful toward you and your biggest mistake is taking him back after knowing you cannot trust him.

I would suggest that you cut off all contact with him as soon as possible. You even need to block his phone number, delete him as a friend online and so forth, so that he cannot worm his way back into your life. He may view this as a challenge and try to win you back even more, but his history proves that he will only hurt you again.

Focus your energy on repairing your damaged friendships and/or making new friends and ask your friends and family to help you develop the strength to stay away from this toxic relationship. If this is not enough, you can seek counseling or a support group to help you with this, as well as to help you discover why you have allowed this to continue for so long. Remember that others treat us how we allow them to treat us. You need to work on self-love and self-respect before you enter another romantic relationship.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

May 28, 2022 0 comment

My Wife Can’t Leave Her Lover

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP January 16th, 2022

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

We are married for 10 years, three kids (8, 5 and 2 years old). My wife did not work 4 years ago. When she got her first job, she felt in love with her boss (she is 30, he is 55 yo). After about 6 months of platonic relations, they had a sex and my wife became pregnant. She told me the truth almost after she got the pregnancy result. Our decision was: she stayed with me and the family and gave a birth. Thus we got the third child in our family. In principle I have changed since that time: more time with family, treat the third child as my own (even maybe slightly more). The lover told the truth to his family and is now divorced.

What all involved in current situation want (as I know):
1) My wife. She does not want to divorce me, however cannot leave her lover, she is very emotional connected to him (a lot of texts, short emails; it is likely they do not have sex at all). In case of divorce she will definitely go to a part time job, unlikely to have a good career. She tried to leave the lover (several attempts). She wants to keep the current situation.
2) The lover. Ideally he wants to live with my wife and his biological son. When my wife does not reply to him, he thinks she may have died. Agrees with the current situation, may want to have more often meetings with the kids.
3) I. Want my wife to leave the lover. Her job contract with him will end soon, so she should not see him too often. My wife and I live as we did before, can really enjoy our family time, do not want to hurt each other. But I think something is wrong with the current situation. I proposed to start decreasing the number of texts, emails and to stop any meetings expect those related to the child. So the situation should evolve and it will be easy for him and her to separate.

Kind regards (From the UK)

Your instincts are right. This situation is not tenable and does not have much merit for anyone in the long run. The real question isn’t what your wife is going to do, or what her lover wants or doesn’t want, but what are your needs and limits?

I would highly recommend individual therapy for you at this point. This will help you sort through your feelings independent of everyone else’s. You listed what you wanted to have happen above — but it all had to do with what you want your wife and her lover to do. The real work here is for you to stop hoping things will change ––and start thinking about what makes sense for you given the current situation.

Tolerating your wife’s ongoing unacceptable behavior and extending yourself has reached a limit. She has only been able to be marginally available to you, and continues to text, email and for all practical purposes stay emotionally connected to her lover. She has not respected your needs. You’re wife has made a series of very poor decisions with regard to you and your family. It is time to start thinking what you need to do, not what you hope your wife and her lover can do to help you feel better.

In individual therapy I would explore what your limits are. I would ask yourself if your feelings for your wife are still the same after the disappointment she has caused and continues to cause. Has your love for her changed at some fundamental level? I wouldn’t put the emphasis on what she should do to help you feel better. I would rather see you sort through your own feelings and find ways to manage them.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

January 16, 2022 0 comment