From Finland: I am in 10 years committed relationship. I have had an affair for two years. Two years of lie and cheat to both sides. Can’t let go of one or the other one.
Got the affair partner pregnant 3 months ago, as soon as I heard of it I ran away and cut almost all connections with her. Not because I don’t love her or not because I am afraid of being parents. Just because I am afraid to tell anyone specially my girlfriend. She is extremely invested in this and if she’d know half of this she will lose herself in worst ways imaginable.
I hate myself for doing this to her, but it is too little too late. On the other hand because of all my lies to affair partner, I have given her the worst picture of me imaginable. And I am abandoning my child. I never imagined being the person I am today, if you can even call me that. I always thought myself to be generally a good person, but living in a lie for two years and lying about everything and putting two people I care about to point of break and ruin, has made me not recognize myself anymore.
I don’t know what to do? I am generally a person who is good at fixing things and situations around, but this one is out of reach. I feel trapped, I know I can be a good father and partner for my child and pregnant mistress! I want to show that to her, I want prove to myself that I can do it but I am trapped, I feel trapped.
My girlfriend (not knowing anything) still sees me as this great guy who she fell in love with. My affair partner sees me as a coward, liar and the cheat that I am. If I leave my girlfriend and tell her that I have a child with another woman, when she has been wanting a child for years and despite all our efforts it never happened, she will be suicidal.
Please help me, please. Advice me, I am feeling worthless and based on what I wrote I am. But please help me fix this for everyone. For my girlfriend, for my affair partner and my child. I don’t want anything for me, Just their happiness. Then I will feel good. Please help.
What a sad and complicated situation. You’ve taken the first and important step. You’ve decided you need to do something instead of run away or continue the lies. That’s the first step towards being the responsible man you want to be — but only the first step.
I can’t tell you what to do, of course. The situation is much too complex and it involves several other people besides yourself. So the next step is to locate a local therapist who can do what I can’t. He or she will be able to hear the whole story and, knowing your country’s resources and laws, can provide you with some direction.
Once you’ve handled the immediate crisis, it’s important that you continue therapy to figure out why you allowed yourself to lose yourself so completely. You need to do this work so you can reclaim your sense of yourself as a decent man and can treat both of these women (and the child) with the respect they deserve.
I wish you well.
Dr. Marie