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Sexual Assault

Attraction to 16 Year Olds

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m a 25-year-old male attracted to 16-year olds.
I thought this was normal since lots of men are into teen girls. 16 is the age of consent in my state. Recently, people were calling this person online a pedophile for being attracted to 17-year olds despite only being 20.

I guess the proper term would be Ephebophilia, only if it’s your main focus though?
I don’t have a preference for 16 year olds (I’m attracted to older men too) and it doesn’t put any strain on my marriage. It’s not an obsession.

Is this normal? Is it common? Is it as bad as pedophilia and hebephilia?

Normal has different meanings in different contexts. In the sciences, normal is a statistical reference meaning plus or minus one standard deviation from the mean. This number is about 68% of any total. Thus we can describe anything as being “normal.” We can have normal shoe sizes, we can have normal weights for men and women of a certain height, we can have normal IQs and normal and abnormal amounts of milk consumed for a person of a certain age. Describing normal in this way simply means that 68% of the population possesses this characteristic.

There are other meanings of the word normal when used in the mental health field and by the general public. For instance, cultural norm violation. Doing something which is in opposition to the norms of one’s culture, could be considered and would be considered by some to be abnormal or not normal.

Sexuality is like the dark web. It’s there and it’s accessible by virtually anyone, but it is not well understood or documented and generally not discussed. Sexual desire and behaviors are rarely discussed in conversations, even with close friends or relatives. Sexual topics are almost always heard in the context of humor.

Sigmund Freud said that humans had only two drives or motivations. One was Thanatos, or the death drive, and the other was the sex drive — and the sex drive comprised almost the totality of human motivation. Many have disagreed with him, some on a logical or philosophical basis but by far the most, by the ever present desire to deny the presence of sexuality, by keeping its discussion and acknowledgment in total darkness.

Generally speaking, you cannot control that which arouses you sexually. However, you can, in every instance, control your behavior. Your sexual behavior must not harm you or any other human being. That is why all non-consensual sexual contact between people is considered rape and could earn one life in prison, without the possibility of parole. It matters little that which you find to be of sexual interest as long as there is not the slightest possibility that you or anyone else will be harmed by your resultant behavior.

Obviously, I could not possibly have answered all of your questions. Nothing short of a multi-volume set of three inch thick leather bound books could come close to explaining human sexual desire. Good luck.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Everything

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past few weeks everything seems to go down the spiral. I’ve written to you before but unfortunately I haven’t got an response. I’m writing again with some hope that you will find time to help somehow. I’ve been on vacations and during the last few days I have “switched”. Meaning that I became more angry inside, much much more angry. I’ve been watching the most violent movies that I could find, biting myself, suffocating with different objects. I became more impulsive. I’ve thrown away my sleeping meds and limited by 50 mg my dosage of Setaloft which are antidepressants (before I’ve taken 150 mg) and I’m trying soon to go off them completely. I feel alone and detached from everyone. I live alone and got a cat. Recently I have been imagining without my will, that I kill it. I can’t really sleep well. During midnight I have the most energy and it ends up that I fall asleep around 2 am and got to wake up around 8 am. I’m having a mess inside my head. Wondering what would I feel if I’ve killed someone. But I’m too afraid of the consequences tho. My thoughts are loud and I can’t tune them. I don’t want any meds nor hospital. I’m attending therapy. I have lost father at the age of 12. Sexual abuse (“only” touching) by the age of 16 by step dad. Serious depression, suicide attempt, self-harm. And all that fun stuff. It sounds bad on paper but you just get used to it you know? Sadness and sometimes joy but never happiness or calmness. Mess, mess, mess. Have a good day.

It sounds like you are having a rough time. I am sorry that you are struggling. It’s good that you are in therapy, but adjusting your own medications is never a good idea. I understand the desire to adjust your own medication but it can be dangerous. You should be honest with your prescribing physician about not wanting to take it.

Your prescribing physician should also know about your symptoms including your energy in the middle the night, impulsivity, your violent thoughts, etc. You mentioned being particularly awake around midnight. Perhaps you are describing bouts of hypomania. Sometimes bipolar disorder is misdiagnosed as depression and subsequently patients are given antidepressants which can worsen their symptoms. Alternatively, you may have more energy in the middle of the night because you are no longer taking your sleeping medication. Had you not stopped, perhaps you would not have developed a sleeping issue.

Your symptoms may be linked to your medication changes. It’s possible that you need a different dosage of medication or other medication change.

The purpose of being honest with your physician, is so he or she can advise you about how to manage your medicine in a safe way. Adjusting it on your own or simply stopping altogether can potentially cause more problems. You don’t want to inadvertently cause more problems for yourself so it’s best to avoid doing things that are not in your best interest.

As for your symptoms, they are indicative of your potential inability to control your behavior. You seem to be doing things without being able to stop yourself. That would suggest lack of control.

The violent thoughts are particularly concerning. Violent thoughts are always indicative of something being wrong. It’s abnormal to be thinking about hurting or killing others. It’s always a sign of someone being in deep distress. In such cases, it’s imperative that you consult mental health professionals who can help to correct this problem. Without effective treatment, the concern is that your symptoms may worsen and you may engage in a violent act.

It’s also important that you avoid watching violent movies or engaging in activities that might increase your anger. You mentioned being on “vacations” in which you “switched.” Vacations are allegedly a time for relaxation, although, the opposite is often true. Since vacations tend to be short-lived, people feel great pressure to have the most amount of fun. In addition, traveling is stressful. Vacations aren’t always the stress-free experiences they are touted to be.

Your symptoms may be worsening because you have been watching more violent movies and engaging in dangerous behavior geared towards harming yourself. This is clearly making the situation worse.

In addition, if you’re on vacation, are you alone? Isn’t there anyone there who can help you? Vacation is also a time when some people choose to use illicit drugs and alcohol as a way to “relax.” If that’s true for you, you want to avoid this altogether.

I would recommend consulting your treating professionals and telling them about your symptoms. They need to know about your symptoms so they can help you. Too often, clients withhold important information out of fear. It’s always best to be honest and straightforward whenever possible. I hope this helps. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Brothers Showed Sexual Interest in Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Kuwait: When I was about 12, my older brother would want to hang out and watch movies and stuff, while we were watching he would pull his penis out. He wouldn’t really do anything or try to touch me, it was just there and he just took it out. I don’t know why he did it, and he did it several times.

When I look back at myself, I don’t understand why I didn’t yell at him or tell him to stop. I remember that I didn’t even feel anything, I just stayed silent. I acted like nothing ever happened. I told my mom and she yelled at him for it. It’s never been the same between us, things are always awkward. He never did it again, and he actually moved away for college now. It’s been 4 years, I’m 16 now. Even though it happened a long time ago I can’t help but think about it every now and then, I don’t know how to feel honestly.

Last week, my other brother who just came back from studying in London was watching this show with me. We’ve always been close, we were cuddling in bed as usual. The he randomly started touching my boobs over my shirt. At first I thought it was nothing, but he kept going and got more aggressive with how he was doing it. Just like last time, I didn’t say anything and I didn’t know how to react.

Should I tell my mom about this time, too? Why does this keep happening to me? What am I doing wrong? I feel dirty in a way and I feel like there’s something wrong with me because I never react or tell them to stop. I feel ashamed of myself in a way, but I can’t really explain it. I’m just so confused about everything and I don’t know why this is happening to me and I don’t know what to do anymore.

There is nothing wrong with you. There is something very wrong with your brothers. I don’t know where they got the idea that it is okay to molest their little sister. I have to wonder what they have experienced that would lead them to do such a terrible thing.

The reason you didn’t say anything in either situation is called the “normalcy bias”. When a person is victimized or witnesses a disaster or crime, the brain may refuse to let it in. The brain protects the person by trying to make the situation feel “normal” even though it’s not. It takes a while for the person to process what is happening and to realize that something is very, very wrong. It’s a common response to a shocking or traumatic event. It’s actually a way that people can cope with something that is emotionally overwhelming.

You didn’t tell your brothers to stop because their behavior was so shocking and outside your normal expectations of how they should treat you that you couldn’t process it. You have nothing to be ashamed of. You can’t expect yourself to be prepared for something that is so unexpected and so wrong.

Yes. You should tell your mother. You need her protection. You might also benefit from talking this out with a therapist in order to feel better. Your mother also needs to take steps to find out what is at the root of the problem. Your brothers are both troubled and troubling boys to be doing this kind of thing to you. They need help before they go too far with someone and commit an even more heinous crime.

I’m very, very sorry you have carried any guilt for this. Really. It’s not your fault. Please do talk to your mom and think about talking with a therapist to help you get past this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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A Lot of Factors Seemingly Contributing to a Poor Living of Life

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

As a child I loved reading and drawing. I was a smart student, but I thought the world was against me. I was picked on because of my skin color. And I think I must have been a bad child because I was hit a lot, but other than not participating in physical things, I don’t remember being bad.

I am now 32 and still feeling that the world is against me. I try to work hard everyday, I try to make friends with other people, I don’t drink or smoke or take drugs, and I keep generally physically healthy. I have had a tough relationship with my family as far back as I can remember. I also have a tough time making friends. People know me and they leave. I am generally not a happy person, I don’t think I know what true happiness feels like. I mostly feel worried, angry, nothing, sad, anxious, etc. I’ve fallen into severe depression a few times, and I’ve also been raped a number of times. I don’t feel like I’ve not worked as hard as others, however I have made very little progress in all areas of my life in comparison. I see everyone progressing in some aspect of life at least whether its meeting a life partner, or having a descent career, or having a great social life. I seem to be going backwards and no-where in all of these aspects no matter how hard I try.

Also in the last 4-5 years, my memories are fading quickly, and I do not remember much anymore. My brain is always numb and foggy, I tire quickly, it takes me forever to do anything, I get frustrated and give up so easily, I cannot focus, and I no longer care how I look.

I know I am hurting the few people still around me by these changes they see in me, and so they yell at me and berate me in the hopes that I will turn things around, but I feel like a ship at storm and am flailing. I feel like something must be very wrong with me, but I have no clue what. Any insights you may have would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

There are two main areas that I would like to focus on in my response to your question. The first is that you have described symptoms that potentially indicate depression. You have had episodes of “severe depression” but there is no indication of treatment. The people trying to help you may be inadvertently making things worse. No wonder you feel like a “ship at storm.”

Sometimes our loved ones inadvertently do more harm than good. Family and friends can offer support and love, but they are not trained mental health professionals. We should not expect them to know how to solve complex life problems.

Depression should be treated by mental health professionals. A therapist will offer evidence-based ideas and solutions. They will not yell at you or berate you. They are knowledgeable, non-judgmental, kind, and supportive.

The second area of focus involves your thinking. You seem to be comparing yourself to the ever-abstract and ill-defined “other people” in society. It is simply inaccurate to compare yourself against people whose life circumstances you do not know.

Further complicating these matters is that many people have expectations about how they believe life is supposed to be. They compare themselves against a set of abstract standards and deem themselves as not being good enough. They incorrectly assume that other people are doing better than they are which naturally leads to feelings of inferiority, and so forth. This type of thinking is particularly prevalent among people with depression.

Social media adds to the struggle. People on social media often appear to be living perfect, trouble-free lives but that is far from the truth. It’s an illusion. Avoid overgeneralized thinking traps.

Treatment can help you to address these problems. Choose a therapist who specializes in cognitive behavioral therapy. It’s the best type of treatment to address both depression and the thinking errors that accompany depression. Once your symptoms are treated and your thinking becomes more realistic, you will feel better and less stressed. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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How to Cope with My Husband Raping Our Daughter

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Last month my daughter came to me, saying that her father, my husband, raped her. He was at work so I packed up the kids and took them to my sister’s house. I called him to have him meet me at the grocery store parking lot so that we could discuss what she told me. At the time I was hoping it was a misunderstanding for that she was angry with him for grounding her that morning. He was visibly upset when I told him of her claims. I was understanding to his distress and told him that I would stand by him through all of this, but that it was imperative that I take her to the hospital to be examined as she said that he had raped her the previous morning. I told him that it would clear any doubt that I had against him and it would clear him of any wrong doing. He reluctantly agreed. The children and I remained at our sister’s house for a few days when he called me and asked if I could meet with him. I did and he confessed. I asked him to come with me to an appointment I had with the detective assigned to the case to turn himself in, which he did.
I went a month without speaking to him. I packed all our belongings, sold what I couldn’t fit in the car and went back to my home state.
Last week I finally heard from him. I feel horrible, because I don’t want him to disappear entirely from my life. He has no contact with any of the children until it is court approved. I don’t know how to accept that the man I loved was capable of doing something so horrible. We have talked 3 times, each time it was to help me gain access to accounts related to finances. I told him I needed him to get therapy and to focus on fixing whatever it is that allowed for him to do this. I feel bad that I still love him. I feel like I should hate him.
I will be starting therapy soon as will my daughter and her brothers.

You did not ask a specific question so I will provide a general response. This is a very challenging situation. You did the right thing in the beginning. You removed your children, kept them safe and informed the authorities. Those were not easy choices, but they were the right choices and I commend you for having made them.

It would be foolhardy to believe that he could be around the children in a safe manner. He’s a risk to them. He raped your daughter. He could do it again and he could victimize the other children in your home. Right now, he’s a threat and they should never be in his presence without satisfactory supervision.

You mentioned feeling horrible in regards to being apart from your husband. It is important to remember the facts. He sexually assaulted your daughter. He took advantage of a child who could not defend herself. He violated her. He did something terrible that she now has to live with for the rest of her life, which could affect her mentally and physically for years. It’s not that she can’t overcome what happened, she can and likely will, however, he has done something terrible. You shouldn’t feel “horrible” for him. You should feel horrible about your daughter having been a victim of her own father.

You might still be in disbelief. It is shocking to learn that your husband could do this to your daughter. Your complex feelings about the situation are something that should be explored with an in-person therapist. It’s good that you are starting therapy as it could help you tremendously. It could help you to come to terms with what happened. It will take time. That is to be expected.

You advised him to seek therapy and that is good, however, do not to assume that it will “fix” whatever is wrong. It might help him to gain control over his behavior but be prepared for the possibility that whatever motivated him to rape your daughter is not fixable. Hopefully, that’s not the case. The only way to prevent this type of event from occurring in the future, is to not allow him to be alone with children. It’s not uncommon for predators to sexually abuse one child and then move onto others. It happens more than you might realize. In fact, the majority of perpetrators of abuse are most often the child’s own parents.

In studies of families who have experienced sexual abuse, it’s common for some family members to side with the abuser. They might have a difficult time accepting the truth, and, in some cases, pressure family members to forgive the abuser. In some cases, the individual who was abused is seen as the troublemaker in the family. As you might imagine, this would be especially devastating for the victim. Sometimes, victims are pressured to forgive their abuser and to stop focusing on the past.

Hopefully, you are not guilty of this with your daughter or her siblings. If you find yourself moving in that direction, please consider what it may be doing to your daughter and work with a therapist to ensure that you don’t re-traumatize her. By pushing her to forgive her perpetrator before she is ready, re-traumatization is possible. You might also try family therapy (not involving your husband), should this be applicable.

This is a complex situation. What happened was painful and shocking and immensely disruptive to your family. It will take time to process. Hopefully, with counseling, your family can come to a peaceful resolution. Please be mindful of your daughter, the victim in this situation. Don’t pressure her to forgive your husband just because you may be ready to do so. Don’t minimize or deny what happened. Give her and the other family members the space to heal, in whatever form that may take. They deserve at least that much. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Developing a Friendship with Ex, Grown Daughters Will Not Speak to Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Recently I have been developing a friendship with my ex husband. It was a rocky marriage. Divorced 15 years ago. He has received counseling for being a peeping tom 17 years ago. Yes he peeped at my daughters. In case you need to know, he never touched them, he watched from afar. They are now in their 30’s. They hate him. He has mellowed and is regretful. He has said he is sorry to them twice and would get on his knees if he thought it would help. Two months ago we started ‘hanging out’, going places. I did not tell them because I was just seeing him and not asking them to engage in any form of relationship because I knew they would not want to. About two months ago they figured out that we had gone out of town for the night. They sent me terrible texts and threatened not to speak to me again if I didn’t not stop seeing him. I have continued to do things with him because we are so happy together. He seems to have truly changed. I understand that time will only tell. We are not getting married or even including them in the time we spend together. Neither of us remarried after we split up many years ago. We have both been very lonely, not the type to jump into relationships. So now I am torn up inside. I will be miserable if I cannot keep my friendship with him but my stomach stays in knots because I have now been excluded from my family. I am miserable without my family but would be without him as well.

Should I do as my daughter want and stop seeing him? I do understand he did a terrible thing.

Thank you for any advise you can give.

While I admire your capacity for forgiveness there are dynamics within your family that require you to see the reconnection from their perspective in order to maintain the balance.

If you think of the family like a mobile hanging from the ceiling each person in the family is affected by what everyone else does. When your husband checked out, it was like putting a 10 pound weight on him that profoundly threw off the family dynamics. When you divorced him it was like cutting that weight, and your family, out of the balance.

Over time, everyone has adjusted to each other without him being a factor. Reconnecting with him, almost by definition, will throw the balance off again. Your daughter’s request for you to not see him is their attempt at bringing the family back into balance as it was. Since you’ve reconnected with him there is an on going problem with the dynamics. The struggle now his is how to honor your need to reconnect while honoring both your daughter’s.

I highly recommend you and your daughters make an appointment with the family therapist. Here’s a link to a highly regarded association. It will help you find someone in your area. I believe this is very important. To just stop seeing him because of your daughters request alone without a mediated discussion may create more difficulties for you downstream.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Why Did I Feel Embarrassed After Assault?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Earlier this year I met a man in a club and we proceeded to meet up a few times afterwards. I honestly wasn’t attracted to him but didn’t want to be rude and having never been on a date with a man before, thought I might as well see him for the experience.
After 2 more meetings he came to my flat, where I performed oral sex on him (something I had not done before). Then he said he wanted to have sex, which I had previously agreed to but then changed my mind as I was nervous about losing my virginity. After telling him this, he complained about me being too scared. Without warning he started fingering me (something I had not experienced before). It hurt and I immediately starting begging him to stop, bursting into tears when he didn’t. He stopped after that and let me calm down; but as soon as I stopped crying I felt so embarrassed. I tried to act as if nothing had happened and continued to perform oral afterwards.
That night I told a friend over the phone what had happened but when she got upset, I became defensive and told her it wasn’t a big deal.
He came back to see me the next night and asked again to have sex. I said I wanted to wait some more months. He got on top of me and tried to force himself inside me, saying yes every time I said no. He only stopped out of pain, when I accidently scratched his genitals in my attempts to stop him. This happened twice in the same night. Every time I felt so embarrassed afterwards, apologising for hurting him and performing oral sex.
It was only 2 weeks later when I came home (this incident occurred at my university accommodation) that I realised I could have been raped and felt mortified. I ended up blocking him after he would try calling me excessively, once 12 times in one night whilst I slept. I have been hating myself since, not understanding why I seemed to have had a delayed reaction.
Why was I so embarrassed? Why did I immediately try to act like nothing happened? Why did I let myself be violated?

It’s not precisely clear why you’re embarrassed. I would have to interview you in order to determine why you are feeling the way you do. Given the fact that I have so little information, all of my ideas about why you are embarrassed are speculative.

Perhaps it’s because you felt that you did something wrong or that did something you didn’t think you should’ve done. Perhaps it’s because you felt that you acted inappropriately in the situation. Maybe it’s because you believe there’s a certain way that you’re supposed to behave around potential sex partners. It could be because you were naïve and inexperienced when it comes to sex and weren’t sure what you were doing. There are many possible reasons to explain why you felt embarrassed. Again, I would need to interview you to know more about what you’re feeling to be able to answer your question. If you think more deeply about the situation, and perhaps even write about it, you might come to more clarity about your feelings.

This man apparently thought that you wanted to have sex or he was attempting to force you to do it against your will. He may have assumed that because you had performed oral sex on him multiple times, in prior meetings, sex would be the next step. Please do not misunderstand, I’m not suggesting that you gave him that impression; I’m only suggesting that it may have been what he was thinking.

You stated that you recently “realised I could have been raped.” It’s possible that what happened to you was rape. He did, at one point, force himself on top of you and either did or attempted to forcibly have sex with you (it’s not clear from your letter, precisely what happened). According to you, this happened twice, in the same night.

Due to your embarrassment, you apologized for your having hurt him after fighting him off, when he attempted to or did forcibly have sex with you. Then you subsequently performed oral sex. You had nothing to apologize for nor did you “owe” him oral sex. It’s not clear why you would apologize given that he had just attempted to or did rape you.

In the United States, the federal definition of rape is the following: “the penetration, no matter how slight, of the vagina or penis with any body part or object, oral penetration by sex organ of another, without the consent of the victim.” Each state likely also has additional definitions of rape. What may have happened to you, at least by definition in the United States, may have been rape.

He asked you to have sex and you said that you wanted to wait. You said no. He should’ve stopped then but he didn’t. He then got on top of you and tried to force you to have sex or did force you to have sex. That’s not okay. If that happened, it’s rape and it’s illegal. It seems that the only way you could get him to stop was to fight back. You should not have apologized.

I would highly recommend consulting a therapist to explore this situation in more depth. He or she can help you to understand the nature of your feelings, clarify what happened to you and how to better protect yourself in the future. You should not be embarrassed and I’m sorry this happened to you. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend Tries to Force Sex on Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Me and my partner have been in a relationship for 5 years now and everything was fine until I got pregnant with our daughter. When I was pregnant I would find it hard to finish of sex with him due to uncomfort. One night I woke up to him touching me and masturbating, I had a go at him and told him not to do it again. This happened several times until I woke up to him on top of me having sex. I shouted at him again and he said that I would lie in an arousing position? He did this until our daughter was born no matter what I said.

After the baby was born we didn’t have sex because I was still bleeding for three weeks. I thought it had gone back to normal until one night I woke up to him lying on me from behind just finishing. I asked him if he had fully had sex with me and ejaculated with no protection and he had. That was the first time we had sex since the baby was born and I didn’t consent or wasn’t even awake. I had to go to a clinic and get the morning after pill to prevent getting pregnant again.

I felt violated and don’t want him to touch me, we started sleeping apart until I could trust him to not to touch me without my consent but we are still arguing and I don’t want to have sex with him anymore and we don’t even cuddle I don’t know what to do as we have a 5-month-old daughter together? Now when we try to have sex he’s so rough with me he hurts and I have to tell him at least 3 times to stop. His sexual behavior is too much for me he even grabs me when I’m attending to the baby. He only started this when I got pregnant? He was normal before I just don’t understand what I’m doing to make him like this now?

You’re not doing anything to “make him” be like this. Apparently something unhinged your guy when he couldn’t have free access to sex while you were pregnant and recovering from birth. He can’t manage it that he has to share you with your child either.

What he is doing is abuse. He doesn’t take you seriously when you tell him to stop. He isn’t showing you love or respect. Tell him to leave and mean it. The situation is already getting worse. I’m very worried about you and the baby.

The two of you got together when you were only 15. Making a baby doesn’t make someone into an adult. It appears that you have grown up and he hasn’t.

Please look into whether there is a domestic violence program in your area. You need some practical help and some emotional support. If you can’t afford your flat on your own, I hope you have family members or friends who will take you and your baby in. You need to get away from your boyfriend — the sooner the better.

Here are a few ways to can also try to help with this issue.

  1. Be honest and clear: Be honest with your boyfriend about why you don’t want to have sex. Be clear and direct, but also empathetic and understanding of his feelings.
  2. Offer alternative forms of intimacy: If you’re not comfortable with having sex, suggest alternative forms of intimacy such as cuddling, hugging, or kissing. This can help maintain physical connection while respecting your boundaries.
  3. Communicate your needs and desires: Express your needs and desires clearly and openly, and encourage your boyfriend to do the same. This can help build trust and understanding in the relationship.
  4. Respect each other’s decisions: It’s important to respect each other’s decisions regarding physical intimacy. Rejecting someone’s sexual advances can be difficult, but it’s important to respect each other’s boundaries and make sure that both partners feel comfortable and respected.

Remember, healthy relationships are built on communication, trust, and respect. It’s important to have open and honest conversations about physical intimacy to ensure that both partners feel comfortable and satisfied.

If your boyfriend is not respecting your boundaries and decisions, it is important to address this issue immediately. Here are a few ways to handle the situation:

  1. Set clear and firm boundaries: Clearly communicate what behaviors are not acceptable and make it clear that these boundaries will not be violated. Be assertive in communicating your boundaries and stick to them.
  2. Seek support from a trusted friend or family member: Having someone to talk to and support you can help you feel more empowered and equipped to handle the situation.
  3. Consider couples therapy: Couples therapy can help you both address and resolve conflicts in a safe and structured environment. A therapist can help you both improve communication and respect for each other’s boundaries and decisions.
  4. Seek help from law enforcement or a domestic violence shelter: If your safety is in danger, it is important to seek help from law enforcement or a domestic violence shelter.

It’s important to remember that it is never okay for someone to violate your boundaries or make you feel uncomfortable. If your boyfriend is unwilling or unable to respect your decisions, it may be necessary to reconsider the relationship.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Life Is a Mess

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S: Hello, I am a 17 year old asexual demigirl that is living in California. I have a therapist but my family keeps giving her false information and she will not believe me because I’m not an adult. But I’ve been diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder (and depression and ADHD in the past).

I’ve a problems sleeping because of strange dreams I don’t have enough words to get into now. I also suffer from sleepwalking, sleep paralysis and all that “fun” stuff (even though nobody believes me even with all the bruises that I get when I actually manage to get sleep in the first place). I also suffer from trying to get to sleep, with my thoughts rushing even though I’ve meds that are supposed to help.

I also suffer from these…alters of some kind? I don’t know. They’re voices but I can’t really hear them. And they also have different names and personalities. The only time I get to see them is in my dreams and then they’re just walking around and stuff. I know they’re repressed feelings but, even after accepting my demons, they won’t stop being aggressive towards me. They really hate me.

Also I suffer from my family. Most of the people are crazy and my older cousin can only be described as obsessive towards me (he has also sexually assaulted me), my sister is emotionally abusive, etc. And I’ve no way of getting away from anybody. Whenever I try, which is everyday, I just get wrapped in the chains again. Which is why I’m moving away the moment I turn eighteen.

I also have extremely low self-esteem. Which is most probably because of my cousin and my sister. And I just can’t stop worrying and having attacks all day, hence the GAD. They really screw me over. :/ And, whenever I try making friends, which is once again everyday for the last seven years, they will just abuse me and abuse me.

…I just don’t know what to do or what is wrong with me. I know I’ve another disorder, I just don’t know what.

I am very concerned about what you shared in your letter. The first thing to do is talk to your therapist about how to report the assaults by your cousin to police. You should not live under the threat of further abuse. You deserve to feel safe in your own home.

The sleep disorder then needs to be dealt with: It may be at the root of at least some of your problems. As you know, a sleep disorder can cause sleep walking, sleep paralysis and even the sense of strange presences. If you aren’t getting 8 – 9 hours of real sleep a night, that may explain at least some of your symptoms.

Medication alone is not likely to be helpful. Getting your sleep regulated will take some real effort on your part. That means creating a sleep schedule and sleep routines that are conducive to getting to sleep and staying asleep. Don’t drink any caffeine after noon. Don’t nap during the day. Get off all screens at least an hour before bed time. Then do something that is calming and relaxing. Settle in for the night. If you don’t fall asleep within an hour, don’t toss and turn. Get up and do something constructive (like homework or cleaning). Try again to go to sleep. If that doesn’t work, ask your therapist to teach you some relaxation techniques.

You are less than a year from adult status when more choices will be available to you. I hope you are preparing for the life you want. Do well in school so you have the option of going away to college. If that doesn’t seem possible at this time, make sure you are developing some skill that will allow you to get out on your own and support yourself.

Do talk further with your therapist about your sense that she doesn’t believe you. I suspect there is more to it than your age. It may be that she has formed an impression that you need to correct. It may be that you aren’t reading her correctly. Discussing your concern may be an important turning point in your therapy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Husband Has Been Abusing My Daughter

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I had been with this man for 4 years. He was very kind to my mum, my 11 year old daughter and I. My daughter started giving trouble and we couldn’t identify what was the trigger. One day my mum and I decided to have a sit down with her to isolate the problem and she confessed that my husband, her stepfather was fondling her breasts. I was shocked and called him to ask if he had anything to say about the matter and he did not. I asked him to leave the same night.

He is a good husband and stepfather. This is the first incident that we have encountered along the way. I am getting counseling for my daughter who seems to be doing well and I think I need some as well since I was a victim of grooming as well that I only just confessed to my mum in light of my daughter’s situation.

I want my daughter to be fine but is it wrong to also want my husband to get counseling? He needs help and I think he may have been the only positive male influence my daughter had since she has no relationship with her father. I feel broken on so many levels. Is it wrong to help him? Is it wrong to believe he can be healed and never do something like this again? Can we have any type of relationship that would be in the best interest of the child?

Thank you for writing. The abuse of a child by a trusted adult is shattering for the whole family. Every relationship in the family is damaged. No one knows who to trust anymore. Your daughter can’t trust her stepdad. She may wonder if she can trust you since, from her point of view, you didn’t see what was happening.

You can’t trust your husband to be alone with your daughter because you have no reason to believe that he won’t do something else to hurt your daughter. Your husband may wonder if he can trust himself. He knows what he did was wrong but he did it anyway. And you may wonder if you can trust your own instincts since you didn’t see this coming.

You were right to ask him to leave. You were right to immediately get counseling for your daughter. And you are right that you need counseling as well. Your own history may have contributed to your inability to recognize that his interest in your daughter was crossing a boundary. Further, It is not unusual for the non-offending parent to both love and hate the abuser. The things you love about your husband are still there but without trust, you know don’t have a relationship. It will take concerted effort on his part for you to let him back into your lives.

I hope your husband is not back in the house. He shouldn’t be. Not until he gets intensive treatment. You have the right and obligation to insist on it if he ever wants to be alone with your daughter again. He has not been a “good father” to your daughter. His violation of the most important boundary calls into question any positive influence he may have had. Your daughter will struggle with that issue with her therapist.

Before you let him back into your and your daughter’s life, you should also go to couples counseling with your husband. Navigating the challenges of rebuilding trust to the point where you truly believe your daughter will be safe is very difficult to do without the support and coaching of a professional.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sexual Assault Dream

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I recently had a dream which was a small part of a bigger series of unrelated dreams, in which I was at the home of my grandmother and I saw a picture of me as a child (I remember thinking I was 2 years old or something) and my (currently deceased, but he would’ve been alive then) grandfather. In the picture, I think it was a moving picture, he put his tongue in my mouth and was tongue kissing me. I didn”t notice this at first and once I did I was alarmed and confused but I didn”t say anything outright, I just kept trying to figure out what year that photo was taken because I was sure I was two in the picture. My grandmother and my father looked at the back of the photo and tried to find what date it was taken. Neither seemed to see or acknowledge what I was seeing and were even trying to somewhat distract me with trivial things, though I don”t know if that was intentional or not. We couldn”t find the date and they were unconcerned. I remember immediately thinking when I saw my grandfather kiss me that it was molestation, that I was witnessing myself being molested as a child and that it was wrong ; but I didn”t really make a big deal out of it. Even though I was alarmed to see it because it was both so out of character for my grandfather and so wrong/disgusting beyond that I didn”t really feel anything. A little disbelief maybe. After not being able to find the date I allowed the rest of my paternal family to distract me and didn”t bring it up again or care. In fact I went on to have a completely unrelated dream and when I woke up I remembered thinking every dream except that one was significant only to realize later on that I had seen something incredibly disturbing but again with no big reaction. Not my sister nor my mom nor any maternal family members were in the dream. It was only one dream and I just had it, but I was wondering if this is an indication that I was actually molested as a child? (From the USA)

I can appreciate the discomfort you had while having this dream and the upset following it. I imagine the vivid nature of the dream — with the details — makes it particularly uncomfortable.

There are a few elements about the dream that I think are important. First is the way the information comes to you. You are witnessing a moving picture in the dream of you and your grandfather, and that your grandmother and her son (your father) are trying to distract you, which may or may not have been intentional. You then have other seemingly unrelated dreams realizing afterward you “…had seen something incredibly disturbing but again with no big reaction.”

Dreams often come in clusters trying to help us by giving us the message in different forms. The central element in your dream is that you and your grandmother and your father have “seen something incredibly disturbing.” What’s more the dream specifically leaves out your sister, mom or any maternal family members. This leaves you with three important themes coming from the dream: 1. Seeing something disturbing; 2. Others close to you seeing it too; 3. Still other close to you not seeing it and not being aware of it.

Dreams can use many ways to get your attention. Was it using your grandfather’s inappropriate behavior in the dream as a way to symbolize a disturbing experience? Or was it revealing a more specific issue of molestation?

I’d recommend keeping a dream journal and finding a therapist with both dream interpretation skills and issues involving incest. (The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find someone in your area.) This way you can have a professional guide you as you uncover the dream’s meaning. Doing so can keep you from jumping to conclusions on the one hand, and overlooking something that needs to be dealt with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Had a Dream about Being Sexual Assaulted

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I recently had a dream it start of with this man sitting across a table from me. For some reason I was very uneasy I was waiting for someone. Then this women comes in. She had blond hair and was wearing a suite I had short straight black hair and looked nothing like myself. So then the women with blond hair started asking a bunch of questions and the guy avoiding her question started playing with some cards making them appear then disappear like a magic trick.
I remember the blond girl saying something but I was just focused on the guy. He then looks up and smirked.

That’s when everything goes black for a second. Then I remember sitting on something (i didn’t know what) but there was a window behind I remember my pants were down he was in front of me trying to sexually assault me but before I know it I had jumped out the window climbed down and grabbed a yellow bike. While riding the bike I look back at his house to see if he was following me, there was a girl she had a pink bicycle she was riding behind me she had no hair or expression then she disappeared then a pink was behind me and when I looked closer I saw him the man from before through the window of the car. I start riding faster and faster until I fall on the side of the curb I start shaking really hard then the car turned on a different street and he stepped out from behind the car and began to run at me. Then he turned into a girl a different girl I don’t know how but I knew her for some reason I thought she was his girlfriend. I was sitting on the sidewalk the bike was on the floor next to me I was curled up and about to cry but I felt so mad all of a sudden I got up and i started yelling at her. I specifically remember saying: “TELL HIM TO STAY AWAY FROM ME, AND TO NEVER TOUCH ME EVER AGAIN.”

I remember thinking that I had to get them before they get me(if that makes sense).so I want back to his house I found him and I took him tied him up and locked him in my room I didn’t know what to do with him. My clothes were dirt so I wanted to change. I started looking for my pants, and couldn’t find then. That’s when I heard a sound I couldn’t move he found me. I remember feeling paralyzed but what I remember most is how the hairs on the back of my nake stood up when he said “what do we have here”, and before I could turn around I was down on the couch and he was kissing my neck and I started shaking and wouldn’t stop repeating please don’t please and then I woke up and i was still shaking like I felt a pit in my stomach. I can remember every detail of that dream, and I just want some clarity on what it means and why it felt so real. (From the USA)

This seems like such a powerful dream and there are many variations of dream interpretation. While they may be interesting I think the most valuable way for you to interpret this is to ask yourself a few questions about this dream, such as why might you be having it now? Is there a theme to it? Are there other dreams with similar themes that crop up around it?

As you sit with the dream look for what is vivid and ask “why it is there?” As an example, the obvious features of the dream are sexual, but more interestingly nothing in the dream is as it should be and there is a great deal of confusion, yes? You are not comfortable, you don’t look like yourself, the guy isn’t paying attention, he makes things appear and disappear, you black out, are about to be sexually assaulted — and then out the window and to a yellow bike. For me, the two bikes, the yellow and pink introduce the traditional feminine color of pink and the time-honored gender-neutral color yellow. If this were my dream I’d ask the questions I posed above, then ask why the dream uses these colors, has an (androgynous?) type of woman with no hair or expression disappear, and then the guy turns into a girl.

Treat the dream lovingly. It is trying to give you help with something — ask yourself why certain symbols and the timing of it were used.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Lost My Virginity to My Step-Brother, Was It abuse?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: Around age 7 my father began a serious relationship with my now step-mother. I also began to become sexually curious at this time. My step siblings and I would play some inappropriate games, such as spin the bottle, while exploring this curiosity. For my youngest step brother and I, this progressed over the years into a sexual attraction. By the time I was 13 we began to have oral sex and by age 16 we had intercourse.

Eventually, we developed our own sexual relationship with other people. There were times that he could come into the bathroom while I was showering, shut the lights off, get in with me and use the gap in my thighs to pleasure himself and then just leave… or ask me to give him oral sex until I got too exhausted to keep telling him no and caved. Anytime I brought friends over, he would try to seduce them and then beg me to come into his room later that same night.

One Christmas Eve when I was 16 he gave me a hicky the size of a silver dollar. Christmas morning when everyone asked me what was on my neck, I told them that HE DID IT to me. My step brother denied it and my family never talked about it again. However, dad and step-mom did move my room upstairs next to theirs instead of in the basement by him.

I felt, at the time, that I was in love with him and prayed over and over again that somehow we could be together. After every encounter I had with him I felt used and worthless; but I still wanted to do whatever it took to get him to love me. I just wanted my step-family to love me.

I carry those feelings with me to this day and I find it very hard to be sexually active without self medicating with alcohol first. I no longer have any relationship with that side of my family and, at 30, I’m still carrying this burden alone. I can not afford to seek professional help at the moment, but I am interested in writing a letter to my dad. I think that, that would be a great first step in healing. But, how do you even start a letter like that? Was it even abuse? Why didn’t they do anything to stop us?

There isn’t a simple answer to any of this, but I will share a few thoughts. It looks to me that what maybe started out as kid curiosity developed into an abusive relationship as the years went on. Lots of kids experiment with their sexuality with siblings or friends when they are young. Exploration of each other is not abuse; it’s innocent curiosity. But by the age of 7, most kids have been taught about physical boundaries and know that they are being “naughty” if they engage in more experimentation. It quite naturally stops.

You didn’t say if there is an age difference between you and the steps. If they were the same age, we could see the initial incidents as experimentation among innocent peers. But if they were older and getting you to play spin the bottle, they knew better and were using you.

As for the step brother who continued the behavior despite your efforts to stop it: That is abuse! There was nothing loving about it. He was using you for his own pleasure. The fact that he also made sexual overtures to your friends suggests that he had (and maybe still has) serious mental health issues.

Please don’t beat yourself up about what happened. Your responses at the time are not unusual or abnormal. Your participation does not mean that you are at fault.

You were desperate for the love of your family. It’s not unusual at all for a child to be confused about the difference between real love and sexual manipulation. Kids who need love will often comply with sexual demands — and may be led to believe that having sex means they are loved. Bodies often respond even when the mind doesn’t want to, which can be terribly confusing. Kids who don’t feel safe enough to tell adults (or who are convinced the adults won’t help anyway) feel helpless and often don’t tell.

As for your parents: They managed their fears about what might be going by moving you to a room next door. They may have thought or hoped that would stop whatever was happening. From their point of view, they were protecting both of you. It wasn’t enough, but it was an effort.

It makes absolute sense to me that you are having difficulty with sex and sexuality so many years later. As you have found, self-medicating with alcohol may make the act of sex possible but it does nothing to deepen love.

You do need treatment in order to reclaim your sexual self. You do need treatment if you are to trust another person enough to enjoy true love and intimacy. Fortunately, there are alternatives to paid therapy. Here is an article from our archives that might be helpful. I also suggest that you join one of the forums here at LifeHelper.

I caution you about writing a letter to your father without the support of a knowledgeable therapist or counselor. It’s important to have clear goals and to be prepared for whatever reaction such a letter might cause. It’s possible he will respond with loving kindness and an apology. It’s also possible he will deny what happened or blame you or not respond at all. Any such negative response might be re-traumatizing.

Until you have more support, it might be more helpful for you to write the letter but not send it. Sometimes putting things down on paper helps people get something off their chest. It sometimes also helps the writer organize their thoughts and perhaps come to some new understandings.

This is a painful past. I doesn’t need to result in a painful future. With good support from a therapist, you can get through this and have the life and love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Was I Raped and/or Abused?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Canada: I’m in treatment for bulimia and alcoholism and I’ve been consumed by thoughts of past events. When I was 12, a stranger touched my breast outside my shirt, and said very vulgar things to me. That isn’t sexual abuse, is it? That’s all he did. I just can’t stop thinking about it. Then, as a young adult, I had three encounters that I don’t really understand:
1. A stranger in college fondled me while I was sleeping on a couch at school. I woke to him touching me, BUT I always assumed it my fault because I think I felt the touch/responded before waking.
2. I got very drunk at a club one night and brought a stranger back to the hotel room my friend and I were sharing. I was in a blackout, this I know. But the next day, my friend told me I ended up passing out and the man had sex with me while I was passed out.
3. A female friend of mine invited me over. I knew she was gay, had no idea she liked me. I was (obviously) in active addiction and drinking, and she was very encouraging of my drinking. she asked if she could braid my hair, I said yes, and she started touching me after playing with my hair for a minute. We had sex. I didn’t say no. I think I even said yes. When I woke up and realized, I was distraught. But is this just because I regret having had sex, or was something wrong?

Sorry for the four-in-one — I’m just so ashamed to bring these to my team here in treatment.. I’m scared they’ll judge me. I’m scared it’s all my fault and that I’m just a really bad person.

Thanks

Please do talk to your team. They are healers, not judges. They are there to help you deal with your feelings and learn from your experiences.

Clearly, it was in no way your fault that a man touched you inappropriately and said terrible things to you when you were so young. It’s very fortunate that it stopped with words and some touching. The fact you can’t stop thinking about it now tells me that you were profoundly affected by it and that you need some help processing it.

My guess is that the incident at school felt like a repeat of what happened when you were 12. You were frozen in fear and didn’t know what to do in both situations Your therapy should help you forgive yourself for being scared and should focus on developing skills so it doesn’t happen again.

As for the other two events: Part of your therapeutic work is figuring out why you let yourself get into dangerous or inappropriate situations and learning how to love and take care of yourself. Your team can’t help you do those things unless you find the courage to be honest with them and fully engage in treatment. I hope you will. You’ve begun the important work of treatment. Now take it to the next level so you can get relief.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Half-Brother Is in Love with Me & I Don’t Know What to Do

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My half brother and i were raised separately and told he was my uncle not my brother cuz our grandma adopted him. our relationship became extremely inappropriate when he was 14 and i was 8, he raped me, not in a malicious way but still. i forgave him. grandma didnt let him have friends, he was over weight, everyone but me made fun of him, he had it rough. our mother didnt raise either of us, i was raised by my great aunt. we found out 3 years later that we were siblings. he went to prison shortly thereafter on unrelated charges for almost 20 years. now he is out and says he is in love with me, that he is addicted to me, that the happiest he has ever been was the incident in the past. i know he is still shaky from being in prison for so long and still adjusting to the outside world and i dont want to make anything more difficult on him. i am in a relationship, one i have been in for over 10 years and i hope to marry my boyfriend someday but even if i were single i would not be interested in my brother. thats not to say i didnt have confusing feelings of my own at some point but he is my brother. i want to help him but he creeps me out sometimes, and says things that i dont know how to respond to. he obsessively calls me or texts me daily. what should i do? what can i do?

Your brother’s attraction to you is anything but normal. The fact that his fondest memories stem from having raped you suggests a high level of mental instability. Rape is not only immoral, but it’s a crime. In some states, if you reported his rape to the authorities, he could still be prosecuted.

You want to help your brother, but you are not a mental health professional. You can’t help him. He needs professional help. The best way to help him is to suggest that he seek professional help.

It’s also not your obligation to help your brother. He is an adult man. He is not intellectually disabled or otherwise incapable of helping himself. Having spent 20 years in prison means that he might have a parole or probation officer who can assist him in seeking professional help. Suggest that he contact his probation or parole officer for assistance. If he is unwilling to seek help, consider reporting his behavior to his probation or parole officer.

Finally, the tone of your letter suggests that you want to protect your brother but it’s important to put this problem in perspective. There’s nothing healthy about your brother’s behavior or his desires. You should do everything in your power to keep your distance. Call the authorities if he does not stop harassing you. Obviously you do not want your brother in legal trouble but his obsessive calling and texting is concerning and might even constitute stalking.

You have to do what is necessary to protect yourself from a person who has demonstrated his inability to control his impulses and who has a history of violence. Do not discount his past behavior just because he is your brother and you feel bad. Though there are exceptions, past behavior can be predictive of future behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I’m Just a Pawn in Their Game…

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello. I’m a teenage girl living in Cali, USA. Ever since I remember, I’ve been struggling with mental illness. And it is very tiring to tell myself all these years that it will get better when it never has. I even see a therapist, but we’ve tried a lot of things and nothings worked even though I want it to work so badly.

It is probably because, no matter what, I can’t get away from my family until I’m an adult. Then I’m moving out of here. You see, I do like some members of our families, heck we even created some kind of support group for ourselves, but there’s others that are very toxic and I’m forced to hang out with since they live under the same roof. Heck, I even tried getting social services and a restraining order, but nothing has worked! But, I am one determined person and that’s the only thing keeping me sane.

When I was ten, some things happened (long story, can’t tell it in less than 400 words right now), that ended up as a scandal in my family. And what better to do with a scandal that left me with several PTSD than to use it to support your point? Want somebody to pay something? Bring up the scandal. And I can always hear them. Then, to make it worse, they then comment on me, saying that I’m a useless whore. Yeah, it was sexual assault, and I can’t do anything about it because “lack of evidence”…I even tried to get the police to intervene, but they did nothing as well!

And now it is almost Thanksgiving, and that’s by far my least favorite time of the year. Great, they’re just gonna argue again and bring up my story again and I’ll just gotta sit there and act pretty again.

So, I’ve a plan. Don’t know if it’ll work or not, since, well, there’s no telling if it’ll be successful. But I’m planning to write a book about my rather horrible childhood and publishing it somewhere. Even if one person believes the truth, then maybe I can finally find peace in myself.

As long as you are identified as being the only one with a problem, family members don’t need to face their own responsibility for whatever happened, and it’s unlikely things will change. However, since some family members are supportive, a toehold already exists for making change. From my point of view, then, this is a family therapy case, not a situation that will be improved with individual treatment.

If you haven’t already, please talk to your therapist about expanding your treatment to include the whole family. If the whole group won’t come, start with the people who are allies. If your therapist doesn’t feel qualified to change the mode of therapy, ask for a referral to someone who has experience and expertise in working with the whole family in the room.

Meanwhile, writing is an excellent way to manage your own feelings. I hope you are sharing your writings with your therapist. You will also feel more empowered if you are doing everything you can to get ready to live on your own. That means doing well in school so you have a chance at scholarships to college and/or developing some job skills so you can leave home and support yourself

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is My Boyfriend Sexually Abusive?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over 6 months now. In the beginning I was super excited about it and I was really happy. I was a virgin going into the relationship and I had planned on keeping it that way. On the other hand, he was not a virgin and pretty experienced in sex. even before we were dating, he would try to put his hands down my pants, take off my shirt, etc. I always said no and got uncomfortable but he would do it anyway.

I was naive and inexperienced so I didn’t realize that as a red flag and asked him out anyways. shortly into our relationship he was pressuring sex, I was still uncomfortable and pushed it off as long as I could. a day before our one month I finally gave in and had sex, I cried after, I claimed I didnt know why but deep down I knew it was because I couldn’t believe what I had just done and knew I didn’t want it in the first place. after that, whenever we hung out he would push me to have sex and I just gave in.

I again, didn’t realize it was an issue. things started to get better and he didn’t push as much. but then suddenly he got a lot worse, I was drunk and called him to have sex, he came had sex with me in the car and drove off. the next morning I woke up feeling so much regret. most recently, has started just forcing himself on me and taking out his penis, trying to take off my pants and force me to have sex. it doesn’t matter where we are or what we are doing, if he wants it he tries to get it. he once forced his fingers inside me for a solid 10 minutes while I cried. it has started to get to the point where I feel bad about myself and I don’t even want him near me. I am so scared he will force himself on me. I have been contemplating breaking up with him for a little while now and this is my biggest reason why, should I do it? ( note I have brought up my issue with him before and he’s ignored it )

Run! The simple answer to your question is “Yes”. This man is abusing your love, your trust, and your boundaries. I understand that you were inexperienced when the relationship began so you ignored the “red flags”. But why are you ignoring them now?

What he is doing isn’t the sweet intimacy of a sexual partner. He is raping you. Repeatedly. Get away. If he pursues you, tell your parents and, if necessary, get a restraining order. This is very, very serious. Then get yourself into therapy so that you can learn from the experience and deal with the after-shock of being treated this way by someone you thought you loved.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Child Sexual Bullying

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have a 32yr old special needs daughter. she doesn’t walk or talk.. she’s in diaper…I also have custody of my 12yr old grandson. He belongs to my other daughter
I’ve had him for about 6yrs..
I can barely bring myself to say the words..
But I caught my grandson touching my daughter inappropriately…very inappropriately..
Please help me..I don’t want my daughter at risk..I also don’t want my grandson removed from my care..
Does it mean that he has extreme issues?
He said he hates himself for it and that it will never happen again.. i’ve explained that it’s normal to be curious at his age bur that he ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT TOUCH HER AGAIN..
I’m worried about both of them and I’m so scared of what’s going to happen to our family..
I can get him the help that he needs I just want to do what’s best and right for both of them but I pray that can be done while keeping my family intact…
PLEASE PLEASE I’M BEGGING YOU PLEASE HELP US

It would have been helpful to have had the details about the specific behavior that your grandson engaged in. Without that information, it’s difficult for me to give you a thorough answer. Thus, my answer will be general in nature.

Regarding your specific question about whether or not he has “extreme” issues, the answer depends on what he did. The fact that he seems remorseful is a good sign. It means that he is sorry and seems to realize that he has made a very big mistake.

In the meantime, it would be best that he never be left alone with your daughter. Though he seems remorseful and embarrassed, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. If I knew more, I would be better able to predict whether or not he would repeat his behavior. At 12 years of age, he’s very immature and inexperienced and has limited control over his behavior. This may be especially true when it comes to his sexual impulses. He may have been acting out of curiosity or immaturity but no matter the reason, you can’t be certain that it won’t happen again. Thus, try to ensure that the two of them are never alone. That might involve acquiring additional help in your home (nurses aid, etc.) or perhaps installing a surveillance system.

I would highly recommend that you take him to counseling. The therapist will gather information about the details of the event, his psychosocial history, and so forth, and make a judgment about how to move forward and what kind of treatment is necessary. He needs to understand that what he did was wrong and nothing like this can ever happen again. It would be advisable for you to go to counseling with him, at least for the first few sessions. You need to be involved in his treatment. The therapist will offer you guidance about how to handle the situation and how to protect your daughter.

If this continues, your grandson risks going to jail and being labeled a sex offender. Even though he is quite young, and under the age of 18, he can still be labeled as a sex offender. In the United States, these individuals are referred to as juvenile sex offenders. This label can sometimes stay with them even into adulthood. Juvenile sex offenders are placed on registries much like their adult counterparts. Being on a registry can be a lifelong sentence. Obviously, that something the family would want to avoid.

Generally speaking, juvenile sex offenders tend to harm other children. Sometimes they target family members. Your daughter cannot fend for herself and thus may be an easy target for an offender. The best way to prevent this from happening again, is to seek treatment for your grandson. With the right help, future problems can hopefully be avoided. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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What Do I Do about My Brother’s Advances?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a teen in the U.S.: On a recent family trip, I had to sleep in the same bed as my younger brother, age 14, I made him sleep over the covers and everything seemed fine. One night I wake up at around 4am, to a feeling of tugging at the back of my pants at the waistline, and when I turn to the source I see my brother leaning on his arm facing me. I couldn’t go to sleep after that.

I tried to talk to my mother about what had happened, she didn’t even seem to be surprised. She tried to sweep everything under the rug, and when my brother was told to apologize it was like he didnt care and just told me “it got to me”

A few weeks has passed and two nights ago I awake to a feeling around my butt, when I open my eyes my little brother is standing over my bed and comes up with some dumb excuse as to why he is in my room. In the morning he tries to justify himself by telling me “I resisted, which is a good thing?” and he also told me that it had “gotten to him” again.

A similar thing happened a few years ago, where he spent the night at a friend’s house and was caught sneaking into his little sister’s room when she told her parents the following day; his excuse was he was “Trying to find a book to read” which is obviously a lie.

I feel disgusted and sad that he seems to be developing this type of fantasy, and behavior with his own sister; even after I explained to him that incest is bad (and illegal) and that he is sexually harassing me, and I could press charges, and if he keeps doing this to others without consent he could end up on the sex offenders list. I don’t feel safe or comfortable in my room at night, and have even began locking my door while I sleep.

I am scared that he will do it to females in his future such as friends, girlfriends, and even if he has daughters or younger family members. I also feel like it’s unfair that my mom is making up excuses for him, and trying to sweep everything under the rug and not even defending me, but if the roles were switched she would probably unleash hell.

You are right to be concerned. It looks to me like your brother is sending up flares for help. He knows he needs it. He talks about being “gotten to” and “resisting” impulses he has. So far, he has managed but I think he is asking for help as clearly as if he was shouting it.

Your mother’s denial of the problem isn’t unusual. Many parents can’t manage the idea that something may be seriously wrong with one of their kids. So they justify and make excuses and rationalize behaviors they really shouldn’t. This isn’t a matter of “not defending you.” Her dismissal of your concerns is a reflection of her struggle to come to terms with the problem. Getting mad at her won’t help. Instead, have some compassion for her struggle and find a way to calmly talk to her adult to adult.

Talk to your mom about the importance of getting your brother help before he is in a situation where he can’t “resist” his feelings — not after he’s done something that gets him into serious trouble. The way your mother can love him best is to make sure that he gets therapy now.

If your brother is able to listen to you, do continue to try to talk to him. Instead of lecturing him, invite him to talk to you about what is driving the behavior and what he thinks he needs in order to have more self-control. Listen sympathetically so he knows he isn’t alone. Offer to help him get treatment. It may be a relief to him if you offer to go with him to talk to your mom about getting him help. Do some homework. Find out what therapists in your area work with adolescents with sexually problematic behavior so you can give your mother some direction.

Meanwhile, you are wise to keep your door locked. That protects you both.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Severely Hurt My Best Friend and it Ended the Friendship

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My best friend is the only person aside from my family that I’ve loved, she was the person I’ve felt closest to in my entire life, we were extremely close, hung out a lot, talked about everything and loved each other for the 5 years I knew her. she knew I had severe depression. one night we were drunk and slept next to each other, we had been goofing around, cuddling the whole night, including her grabbing my butt and chest a few times, at some point during the night I had grabbed her breasts thinking we were just messing around, but I hadn’t realized she had fallen asleep. she’s a light sleeper and woke up but pretended to be asleep. I stopped quickly realizing she was asleep and went to bed. the next months she was more distant and eventually told me she knew this happened and felt uncomfortable. I told her how sorry I was and that I just thought we were messing around and I hadn’t realized she fell asleep. she said try not to do it again and realize it made her uncomfortable and accepted my apology, she was still distant the next couple months and eventually when I was at my worst with depression and already feeling suicidal she let me know that we couldn’t keep having this limbo friendship so we would hang out one last time and resolve everything or say goodbye. when we did, she let me know that she wanted to end the friendship. she told me she didn’t want everything to end this way. after she got out of the car, I attempted to shoot myself, as I was driving, I messaged her lots because I felt alone and had no friends and ended up in the hospital. after I got out the police arrived at my home and told me never to talk to her otherwise, they would arrest me for sexual assault. present-day (months later) I feel like I’ve had no closure to losing the most important person in my life, now I feel alone, regretful. never meant to hurt her. just want to mend everything and go back to how it was but can’t without being arrested. I’m trying to move on, but I’ve never felt as close to someone as she and I will never have closure without a proper goodbye or attempt to fix the friendship. I don’t know what to do or how to cope. (From Canada)

While I am happy to offer a technique, I would encourage you to get yourself a therapist first. While the technique I will explain to you can offer some relief, it is best employed with the help of a therapist who can help prepare and follow-up. The fact that this breakup was so dramatically intense and difficult for you is worthy of investigation in therapy. There are several elements here that should be discussed so that you can cope and move through this incident, and then be sure you can deal with future relationship concerns.

To deal with the current loss you’ll want to experiment with psychodrama. Again, the best way is with an individual therapist guiding you, but the technique is one that can be used for endings that lack closure.

Begin with two chairs across from one another. Sit in one and imagine your friend sitting in the other. Take a moment to realize this scene.

Then make an amends to your friend. Say what you’d want to say to the empty chair. Then reverse roles and become her. From that role answer back what you think she would say. When this is done return to your chair and say the last thing you’d like to say. Be sure to begin and end in your chair, and you can do the role-play until it feels right.

This should help. If using empty chairs isn’t your thing then write a letter to her THAT YOU DO NOT SEND. It is important to respect the law. But you writing the letter allows you to express your thoughts and feelings. Your psyche won’t know that it wasn’t mailed, in fact you could shred or burn it once you are done. If you like you could then reverse roles (with a different paper, pen, or computer screen) and write back to you as her. When you are done send her one last line from you to end the encounter. Again, always begin and end in your role.

Hope this technique advice helps and please remember that working with a therapist as you do this is the best way to go. To locate one near you you can use the find help tab at the top of the page. And there are our forums if you’d like to connect with others online.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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