Short Period Archives

I recently got laid off, and right now my rent is almost due. My brother thinks that if I can’t find a job I should move home, actually scratch that, he thinks I should be home even if I have a job. My mom passed away a month ago, and he’s afraid that my father doesn’t want to be alone. Regardless of the fact that my dad says that he wants his space now, my brother can’t seem to get that. Also I told him that if I have a job, and can pay my own way, what difference does it make where I live? He said that I should be at home to save money. He thinks it will be permanent, and my Dad and I say temporary. I don’t understand that since I am 41, my brother should have no say in what I do and don’t do with my money, but when I try to tell him, he gets all mad at me and says that I am selfish. I don’t understand why he is doing this to me, he says it will be better for both me and my father, but I disagree, my father yes, but not me. How do I make him understand that what I do with my finances is my business and as long as I don’t get help from anyone he has no say in it.

I am sorry about your job loss and the death of your mother last month. That is a lot of transitions in a short period of time. It sounds like you are very clear that you don’t want to move home, if at all possible. So my question for you is why do you care so much about pleasing your brother? You are 41 years old and the great thing about being an adult is that you don’t have to have discussions that you don’t want to have, and you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. You can’t make your brother understand your point of view, but you can show him that your finances are not his business by not discussing it with him, and by letting go of trying to gain his approval. What are you afraid of if your brother is mad at you or thinks that you are selfish right now?

It sounds to me that he’s less worried about your money issues and more worried about your dad who now lives alone and just lost his companion. Having you move home may be an easy way to alleviate his worries about your father living alone because it makes sense logically to him. “You’re unemployed so why don’t you move home to save money and take care of dad?” seems to be his message to you. You are both talking about the topics instead of the emotions that go along with the death of a parent and concern about the parent who’s left behind.

I suggest that instead of trying to get his approval or convince him that it’s not good for you to move in with dad, you cut right to the core issue which seems to be exploring together how the two of you are going to work together to help dad through his grief and loneliness, and to make sure that he is safe and taken care of, and how you can support each other at this time of loss.

Take good care of you and yours.

Julie Hanks, LCSW

I have been with my fiancé for two years now. I have gotten along with his family fine up until recently. His mother began emailing jokes to my fiancé and me and we noticed that there were a couple other people on the emails including an ex girlfriend, who he dated for a short period of time. My fiancé asked his mother if she was still in contact with her and she said yes that they email occasionally. He told her that it made him uncomfortable and thought that it was disrespectful to both he and I and that it would hurt my feelings. She responded very harshly by saying she wouldn’t be told who she could talk to. And that if I was that fragile than she would never be close to me any way because she would not want to have a relationship with someone that she needs to sensor what she says because of my feelings. She then deleted me from her email contacts and kept the ex. She said that she would also be a friend with another ex-gf, who had been very rude and nasty to me early on in our relationship, if she was given the chance. I felt like the response was totally irrational, mean and disrespectful. I felt extremely hurt. Her response hurt even more than the actual emailing itself. I had always been very nice and respectful of his mother. My fiancé has been very supportive and says that he would feel just as hurt and uncomfortable if the tables were turned and it were my mother behaving in this manner. All we wanted was for some respect for our feelings. It hurt to see this relationship flaunted in front of me and then to have my future mother in-law blatantly not care less about our feelings and choose to maintain a relationship with the ex and not her future daughter in-law. Any advice or perspective would be greatly appreciated!!

I am sorry you are having so much difficulty with your soon-to-be mother-in-law. The fact that she lacks empathy for you and her son in these circumstances is a measure of her limitation. She feels affronted by both of you rather than able to understand that her behavior and attitude are offensive.

That having been said I think it is worth it for the three of you to have a talk. His mother got her back up because she felt you were trying to control whom she talks to. My encouragement is to explain that you were hurt by her reaction to your request, and her saying she would have a relationship with another ex of her son’s. I agree her behavior is disrespectful. Let her know that both of you have decided not to accept being treated this way.

Leave the ball in her court by letting her know that you simply won’t allow her to be hurtful to the two of you, but if she were interested in a relationship without the hurtfulness you would be open to it.

Then make a conscious decision to detach from her. In other words, don’t try to fix her, but instead have compassion. My sincerest hope is that she will rethink her position and be able to have a better relationship with both of you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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