Tag:

Snap

Intense Feelings Cause Worry

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 8th, 2024

Since I was in high school I have suffered from depression. I always thought so little of myself and how can others possibly like me? I kept few friends and had quite a few boyfriends. I had a boyfriend for about 7 years. I always had this intense feeling that he was cheating on me when he was not with me. Deep down I knew that he wasn’t, as he loved me dearly. But I couldn’t shake this feeling. We had sex pretty early in the relationship, he was my first partner. I found out after that I was not his first and I felt betrayed. After that I went on to cheat on him several times, sleeping with a few different men, just one night stands. I didn’t think clearly, I didn’t even protect myself. Luckily through all of it I didn’t get pregnant or contract an STD. My partner put up with me for all those years knowing that I had cheating on him, thinking that I could be a better person. But I just couldn’t see myself as a good person.

Eventually after losing my job, I sat around for months not doing anything. He left me stating it was for my own good and I needed help. He still loved me, but he wanted me to get better. Years later I am now married to a wonderful guy. But I still get these intense feelings about things that should not matter. Such as, he likes a photo of a female celebrity on facebook. I get furious with him. Again, deep down I know I shouldn’t feel this way, but I can’t help it! When things are going great I feel so connected to him and want to feel that way all the time. But something so little just makes me snap and hate him. I don’t want to feel this way, I know it’s irrational. But I don’t know what to do.

I have always reacted very strongly to things. In school when I would get in trouble, sent to detention. I would start crying because I felt like scum, I felt like I was this worthless being. When I would make a comment to someone and they took it bad and hurt their feelings I would feel like I needed to punish myself for it. Sometimes by cutting myself, once with a broken bottle I found nearby. Even now at work, if I get in trouble for something that isn’t even that bad, I feel worthless, like I don’t deserve to live.

I can’t stand living with these intense feelings anymore. I want to be happy, but I feel like I don’t deserve it.

Your intense feelings might stem from jealousy. Individuals who experience jealousy are insecure. This insecurity comes from a lack of confidence. Jealousy is ultimately the lack of self-esteem. In relationships, it can be severely damaging. Jealous individuals see others, and in your case pictures of others, as being a threat.

You described yourself as being highly sensitive and there are times when you feel as though you are a “worthless being.” You also feel the need to punish yourself when you do something wrong. It’s also concerning that you sometimes don’t have the desire to live.

At the core of these issues may be depression. Individuals with depression do not think highly of themselves. They often see themselves as being unlovable and unworthy of love. They minimize their positive attributes and maximize their negative attributes.

These problems can be easily corrected with psychotherapy. Depression is highly treatable. Millions of individuals deal with self-confidence problems and have had great success with psychotherapy. I would highly recommend it. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

June 8, 2024 0 comment

Can’t Shake Melancholic Mood

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 5th, 2023

written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Please help. I think I’m heading for a complete breakdown. Every aspect of my life is in turmoil. Firstly, I am a complete failure. I used to be a straight As student, but now I’m just average. I used to be really good in writing, but now whenever I transfer my thoughts to paper, they just evaporate away. I used to have the gift of gab, but now I can’t even think of words to express what I want to say. My tongue freezes whenever I speak. Whenever I express my opinions, the words that come out of my mouth just sound stupid. Sometimes I wonder what’s the point of even trying. I have lost the interest to hold a conversation with another person and even when I want to speak to someone, I don’t know what to say. I am a complete bore and I am scared of being lonely, which is what I am. I am a loser and a failure. How am I ever going to be the success I have always wanted to be? I have a brain that never stops thinking, mostly pessimistic thoughts and I can’t switch it off when I want to. I feel like I’m losing my mind. The thought of starting university next year scares the hell out of me. I feel like things are never going to change. I’m stuck in a rut and I cant come out. I can’t be the person I want to be or say the things I want to say when I’m with other people, especially with my friends and family members. Worst of all, I can’t think of anything to say to anyone. I feel stupid and useless. I feel like my system has frozen. And I don’t know what to do. Please help. I was never like this and I hate feeling this way. I have lost interest in the things I used to enjoy. I used to love getting lost in an amazing book, but now I can’t even concentrate on what I’m reading. I used to love to laugh, but now it just sounds hollow. I don’t know what I want and I don’t know who I am anymore. I have highly emotive fears and anxieties and I just feel depressed. My head is just such a mess.I struggle with myself a lot and often, I hate myself.
Ps, I don’t want to talk to my parents or to a psychologist, I want to handle it myself. –Sincerely, 18 Year Old Miss-fit.

Your symptoms suggest that you may have depression. Another possibility is that you are experiencing an adjustment to a change or disruption in your life.

You stated that you want to be able to “handle [this problem] yourself.” You don’t want to ask for help. However, it would be advantageous for you to involve both your parents and mental health professionals. If you’re experiencing continuous emotional problems, then it makes sense that you would seek help from professionals who are trained to deal with these very problems.

The main reason it would be advantageous to see a mental health professional is that you have difficulty seeing reality clearly. For instance, you “hate” yourself, think you are a “complete failure” and a “complete bore.” Depression leads to unrealistic, negative thinking. A therapist could assist you in correcting your cognitive distortions. My recommendation would be to rethink your position and consider seeing a mental health professional. There is no reason to continue to suffer when help is available. You may only require a few sessions to address your issues. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

February 5, 2023 0 comment

I feel like I am losing my mind

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 23rd, 2022

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Ever since i can remember I have always been an angry person. I snap at my mom for stupid things(to the point where i’m screaming at her for nothing, and i know its wrong when im doing it but i do it anyways)and i over analyize EVERYTHING. If you were to meet me you would think that I didn’t have a care in the world. I work in retail and i have been called “fun, bubbily, always happy*, adorable” etc. I feel like i have this act at my job where i just don’t want them to see my angry side, so i don’t show it to them. The only people i actually release all of my anger towards is my mom, sister, and my boyfriend.

The one place i am never angry is my other job at a daycare. I work with kids and no matter how stressed out i am, or how many bad things i’m dealing with at the time, i never feel anger towards them. I have about 4 close friends, and I would consider myself to be a VERY loyal friend. However, i am very clingy and i do not like to be by myself. If i am alone i feel like a loser and unless i am watching tv or unless i am occupied by something else, i will just sit there and think of how insane i am. I am constantly giving my friends advice, and i would consider myself very insightful and i am VERY good at reading people; however, when it coems to my own life, i feel like i am not in control and that i am constantly making bad decisions.

When i am not in control of something, i feel extremely anxious and angry. I am very good at talking to people and I appear to be very confident. However, that is not the case at all. People who know me well would say that i have anger problems. I am insecure to the point where i am CONSTANTLY thinking bad things about myself (like how i’m insane, or evil). I have been dating the same guy on and off for 5 years. I am only 18 and i have never been without my boyfriend. He has cheated on me multiple times and i still go back to him. In a way, I almost feel worthless without him. I feel like if i’m not with him then he will move on and be happy and no one else will ever want to be with me because i’m a bad person.

I have been to multiple therapists and many of them blamed my obessive thinking on the fact that my parents divorced when i was only 3 years old. It enraged me to hear that (because i am perfectly happy with my living situation, with my mom) but as the years go by, i have started to think that because i don’t have a strong male role model in my life that that is the reason why i am so extremly dependant on my boyfriend. I am very jealous and i always think of things in a negative way. For example, i am going away with my friends for new years, and as soon as i found out my boyfriend was going and staying in a different hotel i automatically think that hes going to have sex with another girl, or that he’ll ruin my trip somehow. It’s like i get these messed up thoughts, and it’s like subconciously i want them to happen so i can be right; and when these terrible thoughts do happen,

i have many suicidal thoughts and I become extremely depressed. I think about killing myself at least once a day. I know that i will never follow through with it, but sometimes i am just so down on myself i feel like i don’t even want to be me anymore.

I have been a marijuana user for about 4 years now. Within the past 2 years, i have smoked weed every day. Within the last 6 months or so, i started “sketching” really badly. I am always very anxious when i smoke weed, especially when i am alone. I often think that there are ghosts in my room, or i think that there is someone in my house. Every single night i will smoke a bowl in my room, and just sit there and think about how messed up i am and how everyone would think i am crazy if they knew my thoughts. I cannot stop smoking weed. Even though it makes me think messed up thoughts sometimes, it occasionally makes me feel normal because my state of mind is altered and i am not myself for an hour or so.

Another thing that has been an issue for me for YEARS now would be my phobia of someone coming into my house. Every night before i go to bed i think that there is someone in my house and i think that they are going to kill me or kidnap me. It doesnt mater if i check my whole house, or lock my bedroom door, i still think that someone is going to kill me and TONIGHT is going to be the night that i die. I’m also very scared when it comes to driving. I do not drive, and when i am with my friends, i constnatly think about how they are going so fast and i always think we are going to get into an accident. I have a lot of trouble concentarting, and even when it comes to something simple (like readinga book for school), i will pick the book up and start to cry because i am so frusterated and don’t want to do it. I am not a stupid person, and when i was in highschool if i were to actually do an assignment, i would get around a 90%. But most of the time i woudlnt even bother handing it in because i am afaird of failure. I also think that i always have something wrong with me (like a sickness) and my mom often calls me a “hypochondriac.”

To conclude, i know that i have problems. Sometimes i feel like i overanalyze my thoughts so much and that is why i think i’m crazy. Often people tell me i just need to “chill” but i feel like i cant. I don’t know what to do 🙁

Oh my. That’s quite a long list. No wonder you’re constantly upset. Let’s see if maybe I can give you a little direction. I suspect the therapists you saw were trying to tell you something a bit more complicated than that it’s all the fault of your parents’ divorce. That’s rarely the case. What may be the case is that you are a person with an exceptionally sensitive temperament and people didn’t understand at the time of the divorce that you needed more help coping with the changes in your life. You may have mistakenly believed on some level that the divorce was partly your fault. You may have felt your dad’s departure more profoundly than most kids would. All of this mixed together could be the basis for the development of borderline personality disorder. Look up the traits of the disorder and see if it fits.

On the other hand, you’ve been smoking weed continuously for a number of years. The amount and frequency are well beyond occasional recreational use. You have a serious psychological addiction. It’s a truism in my field that people who use at the level you are often become developmentally “stuck” at the age they were when they started using heavily. So here you are at 18, uncertain of yourself, caught up in high drama, and having tantrums – just like a 14- or 15-year-old kid. It’s no wonder you feel out of step with your peers.

All of this is to say that you’re right. You do need help. And you need more help than a letter can give you. You absolutely have to stop smoking weed. You absolutely have to get involved in some kind of therapy to deal with the pain that is inevitably going to erupt once you take off the blanket of smoke. At 18, it’s definitely time for you to stop taking your troubles out on other people and start taking care of yourself.

The very good news in your letter is that you have a lot going for you – if you would only learn to use it. You’re a good, caring worker. You do have some friends. People like you. And you have a good intuitive sense of other people. That’s an amazing amount of pluses. So — put down the bowl and take up the project of becoming the adult you can be. Get the professional help you need and stick with it long enough so that it sticks. You’re worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

October 23, 2022 0 comment

I Get Angry Easily and Cry a lot

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker November 14th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I dont know if I have a problem or not but I want to make sure. I get angry easily and snap at my sister or mom a lot. And I always end up feeling guilty. I can’t control myself sometimes. Several times I’ve punched walls and messed up my hand or put a whole in the wall. I usually do this when I’m alone. I never seem to be in control with my emotions. I always end up crying at night and fall asleep like that. I always thought it was around my period but frequently it’s all the time.

I’m stressing out about college because (even though my sister is in college) she isnt really helping me out. I always look up to her for advice but recently I haven’t been able to trust her. My cousin, who I was close with until some previous problems occurred, it’s of much help with college even though we’re going to the same community college. She always assumes something bad of me. I feel like a failure because I have no idea what I’m doing in college and what I want to study. I feel like this because my sister has everything figured out. And every time someone brings up about school I get mad and irritable but now it’s about every mistake I make.

I can’t ever seem to control what comes out of my mouth an end up getting my sister mad and she disputes with me and gets me even more angrier. I spoke to my mon and found out she is taking medication for anger and it’s starting to worry me. Do I have the probability of having bipolar issues or am I depressed? I have no idea what to do and I don’t want others to know I’m struggling mentally. I’m afraid that next time I get really angry I will end up hurting someone physically. Because several times in the past when I would punch walls I would only see darkness and let myself succum to my anger. But afterwards I’d feel horrible.

Thank you for writing. The first thing to do is to get a complete medical checkup. Sometimes the emotional ups and downs that you are reporting have a physical cause. Make sure you check it out before you decide that this is all in your head and start worrying about a mental health diagnosis.

Having said that, I do have another idea. Sometimes our inner self is wiser than we give it credit for. It just may be that your emotionality is a way you are telling yourself that you are simply not interested in college at this time. I want you to know you’re not alone in this. Many recent high school grads have no idea what they want to study or why they are headed to college. Everyone they knew just kind of assumed that of course they were going and they went with what felt like an inevitability. Often these are the kids who drop out. If they do complete the four years, they often aren’t happy with the major or the career they ended up with.

I think you should take a step off the conveyor belt that is taking you to college and really think about what you want to do. It’s not a crime to go your own way. It’s only wise to take time out to figure yourself out. There are progams called “Gap Year” that are intended for teens just like you. Search the web and you’ll see all kinds of interesting ways to make a contribution in the world and to expand your own horizons. I wrote a couple of articles for Psych Central that address this issue because I was getting many letters like yours. Click the links to take a look.

Are You Ready for College? Alternatives for the Unsure

Ready or Not: Immature but Headed to College

You are your own person. You are not your sister. You are not your cousin. Taking more time before choosing a path toward your future is only smart. College costs a great deal of money and time. You want to be sure that it is necessary and that you are motivated to do the work before you pack your bags to go.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

November 14, 2021 0 comment

Unsure What’s Wrong with Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP April 12th, 2021

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hi. This is a hard for me to write. I’m paranoid that my parents will see it somehow and figure out that it is I. I’m goon to take the risk. First of all, I have been dealing with my problem for a while. I don’t know what to do. I have a lot of the symptoms of OCD. But I don’t know who to talk to. I over think everything. I have trouble being relaxed because I am so uptight. I am afraid of so many things, many irrelevant things. I can’t go in the bathroom without checking to make sure there isn’t an attacker in the shower, behind the curtain. I can’t go to sleep without checking my closet for an attacker. Also, I have to get everything perfect. To me, I’m not good enough. I freak out all of the time because I always think I’m contracting a deathly disease when I’m not. I get jealous of everything. I am also the type that has to ask people a million times if I’m doing something right. Teachers, coaches, etc. Sometimes I snap at people all of the sudden, for close to no reason. I don’t know what to do. I have thoughts of violent things, and then I feel guilty about them. I go on tangents of sadness. I freak out about things like the end of the world. I have been bullied a bit in the past, and I have had self-esteem issues, but I think I’m on my way above that. My parents would never believe that I have problems, because my sister has had problems of her own. Sometimes I cry for no reason. I cry at least once or twice a week. I can’t be in the dark too long without freaking out. If I feel like I am in a dangerous situation, I shake, breath heavily, and I can’t talk, I would be choked up. I scared to tell people everything. In fact, I can’t get myself to write everything on here. I don’t feel safe. I have tried to tell someone how I felt, and I had to stop because I got too choked up. I am not the type of person people expect to have problems. I get straight As, I have a good family and home, and I’m involved in sports. I’m afraid people will tell me I am overreacting and being dramatic.

I am very glad you are writing us and asking your question. I believe the kind of anxiety you are struggling with as a freshman in high school is important to manage sooner rather than later. This way you can learn the coping skills needed to feel better as you move through school.

I would bring these concerns to the school counselor. You are obviously a good student, and the school counselor will be able to help you bring some of these anxieties under control. The first thing to do is talk about it with someone you trust. This is difficult, but you have taken the first step writing us here, now bring your concerns to the people who can help you deal with this directly.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

April 12, 2021 0 comment

Dad was abusive to me as an adult

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker May 3rd, 2019

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

A couple of months ago my dad came over to halp me with my house. I asked him about a ladder that he left at my house. He began yelling over me and not listening to me and we got into an argument. When he was about to say that he was going to leave, I beat him to it and said that he should leave my home. To this he responded by calling me a “selfish ungreatful little b.” When I responded in shock that I couldn’t believe he was now calling me names he said, “I am only telling the truth of what you really are… A selfish ungreatful b.”

At this time we were working on painting a room, so there really wasn’t a lot of room in the room we were painting. I went to walk by him and get out of the room, and he took me by the foearms and pushed me up against the wall. At that point I felt threatened and wanted to get out of the room. He was blocking my way out so as I was walking by, I used the side of my body to push him out of my way as I was trying to walk out of the room. He then he put one hand around my neck and the other hand between my neck and my shoulder and pushed me up the wall again.

At this point I was yelling “What are you doing? What is wrong with you? Get out of my home!” We were both by the door at this point, and he was blocking my way out. He then lunged to come at me again and I then stood up to him and yelled “What are you going to do now dad, punch me? Go ahead do it! Do it!” I then saw the rage snap out of his eyes. He then turned around and said that he had to get his stuff in a calm voice. I said to him calmly that I could not believe what happened and that I feel like I can’t even have a rational conversation with him anymore. I told him that I was shocked that he actually called me those names (not the first time he called me that name) and got physical with me. He then yelled, “There you go you are going to make this all my fault like you are the victim here!” I told my mom that day and at first she was very supportive and concerned about me and what was wrong with my dad since he had never gotten physically abusive before. After my mom talked to my dad however, she began to become enabling and making excuses for him like, “Well, you know how you can be in an argument. Sometimes you are a bit forceful in your opinions.”

At this time, we had some family events coming up and I told my mom that I didn’t want to see him or hear from him until he at least apologized. She kept me posted on how he was making excuses for himself and how she partially agreed with him. I told her that no matter what I did or will ever do, it is not a reason to be abusive. My dad finally apologized the day before we had a family event. We did not talk about what happened, however, and I feel like the apology was forced to get me to the family event and pretend like nothing was wrong. Ever since then, he has been acting like nothing is wrong and like I should just be over it. I am still extremely hurt and replay the incident and hear his words over and over in my head. I am trying very hard to get over this, but feel like things will never be the same between us and it breaks my heart.

I dont know what to do or where to go from here. I am hurt and therefore angry with both of my parents. My dad for his abuse and my mom for enabling and making excuses for him. Now the little things that they do are just making me more and more upset. How do I handle this? What do I do to make this better for myself and my health and the health of my family?

You’re right that nothing justifies abuse. It’s also true that something like this rarely happens just out of the blue. There’s probably much more to this story. It sounds to me like something has been building up for some time. I also have a guess that it isn’t as black and white as either you or your dad might want to make it. Your mom is caught between you. What would probably be best for the health of you and your family is to get a mediator or family therapist to help you all (you, dad, and mom) hear everyone else out. You live in a city where there are many resources to turn to. Please take the high road and contact someone who can help your family clear the air and mend the relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

August 23, 2009 0 comment