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How to Deal with Someone Who Is Obsessed with You

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 21st, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I think this boy that goes to my school is obsessed with me. We met through skype and he hasn’t given me a moment to myself since. He’s a very good friend but he wants to talk/call with me every single day and i need some time to myself. During school he follows me around all day sometimes without even saying anything. I almost always have to start the conversations. He is so quiet because he told me that he gets very bad stomach aches and starts shaking whenever he is near me. He still has these even though we have been talking almost every day since august. I don’t like to see him sick like this but he insists on always being with me. He told me he wants to go out with me but i told him i just want to be friends. I feel awful because he likes me a lot but I don’t feel the same way. In January i finally told him that i needed some time to myself but he started crying and he kept apologizing that he was such a pest and he said he would leave me alone. I didn’t want to make him cry so in an effort to calm him down I told him I didn’t mean it and I don’t actually think that.He also gets mad if I do something he doesn’t like, some examples are when we first started talking I didn’t say good morning enough to him. He told me he felt like I didn’t care about him and he was very angry with me because of this, he started texting to me in all caps and looked annoyed at school. I thought it was an extremely stupid thing to get upset about. Another time was when my friends downloaded halo(a pc game)at school and I played it with them “too much” in the morning before school (20mins). He told me I was being very selfish because I wouldn’t have a conversation with him. So I stopped. But he is still quiet when around me. More recently he told me he has been suicidal and is extremely depressed because we haven’t been calling enough even though we text every.single.day. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to hurt his feelings or worse. help. (From the USA)

 It sounds like you already know what to do but aren’t quite able to do it yet. That is a different thing than not knowing. You sound very clear that you do not like to be smothered by this boy, feel too controlled by him, that he makes you feel guilty, and is blaming you for his depression and suicidal thoughts. None of this is okay. The fact that he has shared that he has been suicidal changes everything. This is not healthy — and not something you can manage on your own. I would immediately talk to the guidance counselor in your high school and let him or her know that this is going on. Your friend needs help and you being nice to him because you are worried about him emotionally is an indication that he needs more help than you can give. In some ways it is like being bullied: he uses he emotions to try and control your behavior.

Please make this a priority. Your friend needs help from others. The best thing you can do as a friend is help him best by letting others know he is having thoughts of hurting himself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My 15-Year-Old Son Was Stalked by a 55-Year-Old Woman

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 25th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I want to what kind of damage could happen to a child who was stalked nearly every day over a year and 4 months? There were six protection orders. What can I research? (From the USA)

Just to make sure readers understand the seriousness of the issue you are raising let me begin with an explanation of stalking. Stalking is generally considered repeated, unwanted attention and contact that causes an individual to be fearful or concerned for their safety — or the safety of someone else. What is particularly troublesome is that in this situation the stalking is of a minor male by an adult female. The more typical scenario is that about 90 percent of stalkers are men. So, your situation is an unusual situation in a number of ways. I am saying this because the research and statistics give general guidelines that are used for women who are victims. For your son, I think you would want to have someone who knows not only about the effects on a victim, but also has significant experience with adolescence.

The key element (and often the focus of follow-up treatment) comes from being threatened directly or indirectly through family and friends. A very high percentage of stalking victims are terrorized physically. I am glad you secured protective orders for your son and would encourage readers with stalkers to do the same. Being threatened generates fear and anxiety and there often can be social consequences in addition to the emotional. The persistent aggravation and harassment can be wearing, and the fact that this was such an extended period of time of unwanted intrusiveness means there were more opportunities for negative psychological effects. Again, I want to say that what I’m reporting here is culled from literature that draws mainly from female victims in the mid-twenties to their mid-forties. While I believe they can apply to your son, I’ll emphasize my recommendation to have a therapist work with him that is familiar with adolescents. You don’t want to have normal teenage angst misinterpreted as a symptom of being victimized. Conversely, you want symptoms that come from being victimized to be adequately addressed for someone your son’s age. An adolescent therapist with experience will know the difference, whereas someone not familiar with your son’s age group may look at him more through the lens of being a victim.

Depression, anxiety, and vulnerability tend to top the list of reactions, which may linger after the stalking has ceased. What might be noticeable is a diminished joy and interest in activities, guilt and even shame about the situation. What comes from the literature that may be true for the age range woman that are often targeted is that family and friends can make things worse by suggesting their choice in ex partners (often the stalkers) makes them responsible. This takes a direct toll on the victims because their self-esteem goes down if they believe they are somehow responsible. My guess is that this wouldn’t apply to your son.

In the worst of incidents there can be sleep disturbances, isolation and symptoms of a post-traumatic reaction, including flashbacks and intrusive thoughts. Changes in eating habits, personality, and substance abuse can also follow the heightened anxiety.

I would look for any changes in your son such as shifts in his ability to focus and concentrate, a drop in grades, or low energy. These are often what a therapist would ask you and your son to become aware of.

The find help tab at the top of the page can help you find someone in your area who has experience with teenagers and can help him sort through his reactions.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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She’s Invading My Privacy

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 20th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

A girl that I’ve never met or seen got obsessed with me via Twitter and I ended up working with her which turned out to be a disaster. She planned the whole thing. That was two and half years ago, I left six months later and since she’s been stalking/monitoring me. I’m a very private person and I honestly hate it, it gets to the very core of me. It isn’t the first time someone does something similar but never to this degree… She can see everything I do in my home I think TV’s are hackable now, even in my bathroom because she’s made public comments about my private area. We’ve never had friends in common, so there’s zero association. She’s made comments even about the clothes I sleep with, my position in my bed, what I’d wear before work, my clothes and what I do around the house whether reading or attempting to cook. My cell phone is hacked, and I sold my laptop because I believed it was hacked too. I’ve changed my number several times but no luck in escaping her. I’ve reached out to her telling her to stop, that I know what she’s doing and to leave me alone. I tell her I believe she’s a prevented creep and basically detailing my disgust towards about her actions but nothing. She denies everything and doesn’t acknowledge me yet she wants me to love her via Twitter. Many know on Twitter and support her including the media on Twitter and some have said she’s a psychopath but no change.

I’ve thought about reaching to the authorities but I don’t have substantial prove other than undirected comments on Twitter without specifying names, and having a private investigator would cost me $2,500 to do the work. What I wonder is does she have some type of psychological problem other than an obsession with severe jealousy from her terrible past experiences in relationships? I’m beginning to think she has psychological problems. She also attempts and has succeeded in several occasions to drive friends, family (mom and dad), anyone who doesn’t support her, even coworkers away from me. Some people actually give her sympathy and I don’t get it it. Love doesn’t take drastic measures, doesn’t hurt, doesn’t spy, creep, stalk, monitor, drive loved ones away or keeps you sorta isolated. And when you wanna be isolated love doesn’t publicly displays the inside of your home the public. See accounts comment about what I do in my home and I’m 100 percent sure she shows friends and many Twitter accounts. She’s disrespected me, embraced me, humiliated me, has invaded my privacy without my consent or approval and dismisses how disgusted I feel about it. I feel like I’m psychologically messed up a little from all of this too. I’ve become more self aware, self aware of my surroundings, and sorta of an inexplicable mixture of afraid, haunted, never seen the end of it all after two and half years battling.

From your description it sounds as though this individual is doing more than invading your privacy. She seems to be stalking you. Stalking is a criminal act. Every state outlaws stalking. If there is proof that she is stalking you, then she could be prosecuted.

In Florida, stalking is defined as “engag[ing] in a course of conduct directed at a specific person which causes substantial emotional distress to that person and serves no legitimate purpose.” Based upon your letter, your stalker seems to meet that definition. You can read more about the law here.

It is very difficult to “hack” a TV. It is very difficult, illegal and extremely expensive to add surveillance equipment to a home. Perhaps she is tricking you into believing this, when it is not real. I would recommend talking to a counselor who could help you to determine if she is actually doing this and it is real or if you have been fooled into believing it is real, when it isn’t.

It’s understandable that you have become more vigilant.

I would recommend that you save all copies of any communication from her. This would include Twitter messages, emails or anything else that suggests or proves her attempted contact. Once you have gathered that information, consult law enforcement (again) about a restraining order. Other options include contacting a lawyer or a private investigator. Your Internet service provider or phone company might also be willing to investigate.

Finally, it might be advantageous to consult a mental health professional. He or she could assist you with the psychological distress that you feel. You should also become familiar with the stalking laws in your state. There may also be local agencies who assist crime victims. One good Internet resource includes www.victimsofstalking.org. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Delusional Mother Turning Against Her Family

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 24th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Just over a year ago my mother started talking to me about things that didn’t make too much sense.

She believed her neighbors often would yell things threw the walls at her. She moved to a different province shortly after (as my parents retired.) She claimed the neighbors wrote letters to the police about her because she occasionally smoked weed.

Since moving she has been having constant delusions that a neighbor is stalking her. To the point where she won’t talk to me on the phone in the house. She has to go outside to talk “about the stalker” he has wired her house so he knows everything she is doing. He knows where she keeps things. He takes pictures of her. She hears his voice everywhere. She seems weird when she talks like she is watching what she says because of who can hear.

We got her to see a doctor but they only did blood work and everything came back okay. She truly believes these things are happening to her and now will only talk to my sister about it (because she told my mom she believed her) she refuses that she needs help.

Things have only been getting worst. She called the cops on “him” when they arrived at the house she had the cops listen to the tea kettle and she claimed she could hear his voice.

She is turning against my father. She believes he is planting drugs with her fingerprints around the property to have her taken away. Also that he is divorcing her (in secret)

she tried running away the other night with a bag of clothing. My father went out looking for her and found her.

I want to help them. I feel horrible for my family. But he refuses she’s sick, and is slowly turning against us.

What can we do to help her get help? My father is all alone and says he’s okay but I know how hard it has to be.

She could be experiencing psychosis. Psychosis is a break with reality. She seems to be paranoid and delusional. That’s evidenced by her fear of the neighbors and now members of your family. Psychosis is associated with disorders such as schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. Typically, people with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder-type conditions begin experiencing symptoms in their late teens or early 20s. For your mother to develop these conditions later in life, would not be the norm but it also would not be rare.

She could be experiencing an organic brain condition. For example brain tumors, cysts, dementia, certain types of epilepsy, and strokes can all cause psychosis. She was evaluated by a doctor but only blood was drawn. A more thorough evaluation with a specialist is necessary.

You mentioned that your mother occasionally smokes marijuana. Marijuana is a hallucinogenic drug. In the United States, it’s classified as a schedule 1 drug which means that it has a high potential for abuse and no medical value. Studies show that people who use marijuana are at an increased risk for developing psychosis when compared to people who do not use marijuana. It’s possible that your mother’s symptoms are the result of her marijuana use.

Your mother should consult a psychiatrist. A psychiatrist is a medical doctor with specialized training in mental illnesses. He or she would be in the best position to determine what’s wrong. Depending on his or her evaluation, the psychiatrist might recommend that she be evaluated by a neurologist. A neurologist is a specialist in brain diseases.

It’s imperative that your mother be evaluated immediately. Go to the emergency room if necessary. Generally speaking, psychosis does not go away on its own. It requires intervention. The sooner the better. She needs help now. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Think My Friend Has an Unhealthy Obsession with Me

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 13th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I met this friend on the first day of college freshman year (we are soon to be juniors) and it has become increasingly apparent that something is not right. My other friends actually sat me down to tell me they thought she was genuinely in love with me, but I thought they were just being dramatic. She has always been a little nuts (yelling at guys she doesn’t like, getting belligerently drunk, etc). I thought she was just a lot of fun and I didn’t mind be friends with someone a little out there. Everything changed when 4 of my best friends (including her, who was my best friend at the time) got an apartment together. It’s too hard to explain so let me just list things that have happened and are happening:
– she screamed at guests we had over for being too loud and insulted them when she could have just asked for quiet (by the way she is the loudest person I know)
– Recently, we had to take her to the emergency room when I got a call from my friend saying she was unresponsive and needed to go to the ER. When I showed up she started yelling to everyone to fuck off and to only let me near her when I wasn’t even the one at the time helping her
– We went out one night and she got so angry at me for not wanting to go to the same club as her that she yelled at me in public
– Every time I go out with her she drinks so much that I have to follow around and take care of her ALL night
– she tells every person she meets that I am her best friend and that we are attached at the hip
– She spent over 1k on me both my birthdays even though anyone who knows me knows I would NEVER want that
– she constantly talks about how we will be each others bridesmaids
– she follows me around for entire days and nags me constantly to hang out with her
– she gets very jealous and angry when I have other friends. She has straight up bullied my new roommate since she moved in
She has had an extremely hard life and I feel so guilty but I can’t do it anymore, help?

There’s nothing to feel guilty about. Based on the contents of your letter, you didn’t do anything wrong and thus there is no reason to feel guilt. The fact that she’s had a hard life has nothing to do with you.

You are not a therapist nor can you help her with any of the problems she may have. A therapist would be in the best position to help her. They have the specialized training to help people with problems and difficult lives. You do not have that training and thus have no power to help her. She needs professional help.

If you no longer wish to be her friend, then it would be wise to stop all contact with her. All contact means all contact. This means not accepting text messages, phone calls, visits, etc. It may be difficult, for a host of reasons, but likely necessary to protect yourself against an unstable person. If she continues to contact you, despite your having told her you want no contact, then you might need to alert the police. They can protect you against unstable and potentially dangerous people. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Why Is Son’s Wife Saying He Abused Her?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker October 18th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S. My son is getting a divorce. Only married a year. Wife pregnant. Telling everyone he is abusing her. Went to church and started crying saying she can’t believe he is there and she can’t deal with him because of his abuse and she is scared. This is my son’s church. Been there over 11 years. Rarely misses a service. She just started going when they got married. He had told her 2 days before to stop coming because she was harassing him.

Later that day my friend who son’s wife doesn’t know said wife just contacted her and was telling her all the abuse she had to go through from son and me and she had to leave for her safety and her sons. I get off the phone and message my son. He is on phone with wife. Wife is living with parents and she says her brother just abused her and she wants my son to take her boys if she doesn’t make it through the night. He told her he will call the police for her. She said no. Her parents will only tell them she is crazy. Told her to leave and go to shelter. She said no. She started yelling at him that she didn’t call for help and she is tired of dealing with him. Afterwards she post on Facebook that now she is being abused by 2 and “oh the pain. No understanding.”

Is this the behavior of someone being abused or what? Does someone being abused constantly call their abuser dumb and stupid? She harasses him at work so much that his boss says he is calling the police on her if she steps foot on his property. She got into his phone while he slept and read all his messages from everyone he knows. That is why she is mad at me because I gave him legal advice because she said he will never see their unborn child. She went off on me and told me how dare I disrespect her after she read my private messages.

Can you tell me what is happening here? I am completely stunned and not sure what we are dealing with. Also, she pawned her wedding band that son is still paying on. Said it was hers. Few days later, demanded his wedding band because she paid for it. It is hers. Please help.

Sadly, I can’t tell you what is going on with your daughter-in-law without interviewing her. From your description, it is possible that she is suffering from a psychosis related to her pregnancy. It’s rare but it does sometimes happen. The fact that she is accusing multiple people and distrusting people around her who you think are trustworthy suggests that the “abuse” is in her head, but I won’t rule it out. Just because someone is acting symptomatic doesn’t mean that there isn’t also something serious going on.

She needs to be evaluated by a mental health professional, not blamed or shamed or arrested. Since she has other children, it is especially important that she get an evaluation — for their protection as well as hers. Since she reached out to your son to take her other children when she was in such distress (despite the fact that she is accusing him of abusing her), I’m concerned. It may be necessary for him to contact child protective services to ensure the children’s safety. Although I don’t like the term “crazy”, her parents may be correct that there is something seriously wrong.

Since she is attending the church, is it possible that the pastor can influence her to see her obstetrician for a referral to a psychiatrist or psychologist? The pastor may be in a unique position to encourage her to get the help and support she needs. Since psychosis related to pregnancy is rare, the evaluator should be alerted that there is some concern by those close to her that it is a possibility.

As for the wedding bands. Once a gift is given, a receiver can do with it what they wish. Although unfortunate, she does have the right to pawn her own ring. But she doesn’t have the right to demand that your son return the ring she gave him.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My Half-Brother Is in Love with Me & I Don’t Know What to Do

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW September 3rd, 2021
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My half brother and i were raised separately and told he was my uncle not my brother cuz our grandma adopted him. our relationship became extremely inappropriate when he was 14 and i was 8, he raped me, not in a malicious way but still. i forgave him. grandma didnt let him have friends, he was over weight, everyone but me made fun of him, he had it rough. our mother didnt raise either of us, i was raised by my great aunt. we found out 3 years later that we were siblings. he went to prison shortly thereafter on unrelated charges for almost 20 years. now he is out and says he is in love with me, that he is addicted to me, that the happiest he has ever been was the incident in the past. i know he is still shaky from being in prison for so long and still adjusting to the outside world and i dont want to make anything more difficult on him. i am in a relationship, one i have been in for over 10 years and i hope to marry my boyfriend someday but even if i were single i would not be interested in my brother. thats not to say i didnt have confusing feelings of my own at some point but he is my brother. i want to help him but he creeps me out sometimes, and says things that i dont know how to respond to. he obsessively calls me or texts me daily. what should i do? what can i do?

Your brother’s attraction to you is anything but normal. The fact that his fondest memories stem from having raped you suggests a high level of mental instability. Rape is not only immoral, but it’s a crime. In some states, if you reported his rape to the authorities, he could still be prosecuted.

You want to help your brother, but you are not a mental health professional. You can’t help him. He needs professional help. The best way to help him is to suggest that he seek professional help.

It’s also not your obligation to help your brother. He is an adult man. He is not intellectually disabled or otherwise incapable of helping himself. Having spent 20 years in prison means that he might have a parole or probation officer who can assist him in seeking professional help. Suggest that he contact his probation or parole officer for assistance. If he is unwilling to seek help, consider reporting his behavior to his probation or parole officer.

Finally, the tone of your letter suggests that you want to protect your brother but it’s important to put this problem in perspective. There’s nothing healthy about your brother’s behavior or his desires. You should do everything in your power to keep your distance. Call the authorities if he does not stop harassing you. Obviously you do not want your brother in legal trouble but his obsessive calling and texting is concerning and might even constitute stalking.

You have to do what is necessary to protect yourself from a person who has demonstrated his inability to control his impulses and who has a history of violence. Do not discount his past behavior just because he is your brother and you feel bad. Though there are exceptions, past behavior can be predictive of future behavior. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Friend Is Unhealthy Obsessed with a Celebrity

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 8th, 2021
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a friend who was married 8 months ago. She has recently found out that she may be pregnant which is happy news since they have been trying for about a month. However if she had a discussion with me that greatly concerns me. Her favorite band is playing in Chicago, states away and she immediately bought plane and concert tickets for her and me so she could go see them. However she is obsessed with the leader of the band. She says that he is the exact same guy that she has seen in her dreams as a love interest before she even knew this guy existed in real life. She is taking this trip to Chicago just to meet this guy. She says that according to his personal details she thinks they would have a soul connection and that if they were in a relationship it would be intense and he would understand her more than her current husband. She is convinced her dreams mean she needs to be with this guy and that if she goes to Chicago he will want to be in a relationship with her.

And the past few months she’s also been struggling with a recurrence of anxiety and depression. She spoke with her husband about this today and it looks like they will be taking a break and possibly talking about a divorce. The level of Obsession she has with this band member is concerning seemingly along the lines of celebrity worship. The thing is I don’t know how to help her or approach her about her needing help for this. She is normally a rational person but regarding this she is completely irrational and is convinced that things like her having a love dream about him and then waking up to find that he is like something she posted on his Twitter means that this is Destiny. I don’t really know her all that well and we’re more like really good acquaintances or low-level friends so it’s hard to be honest or Frank with her that she needs help. How can I help her?

I can’t make a diagnosis on the basis of only a letter, of course. But what you are describing is consistent with a diagnosis of erotomania. This is a psychotic disorder where a person truly believes that a (usually famous or high status) stranger is a love interest. Since this occurred when your friend got pregnant, I have to wonder if something either medical or psychological was triggered by the pregnancy.

You probably can’t help her with this. Her husband, however, may be able to. Do share this information with him. She needs help, not a “break” from the marriage. I hope he’ll be able to get her to a psychiatrist for an evaluation. Her health, the marriage, and the baby’s health depend on it.

I wish you well,
Dr. Marie

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Abusive Ex: Should I Be Concerned About My Safety?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 26th, 2019
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

i left my abusive boyfriend a year ago. i had no choice, but to move into a domestic violence shelter because i had no money and he took every cent i had!

i got my life together….got a job and my own apartment…i live alone and the thought of being with someone else makes me anxious because i have been through so much!! i am a very attractive women and very outgoing, but i simply go to work and come home to my cats.

recently, i was driving to my therapist’s office i was being followed.. when i pulled into the parking lot….my ex got out of the car pleading with me for closure….i called my therapist to come out … i told ex how he was mentally ill and that he treated me as though i was a slacker and took all my $$$ … i told him to move on cause i moved on…at that moment my therapist came out of office and told my ex that he got closure … goodbye.

after therapy session, i found a note on my car door from my ex …in note he pleaded with me to get in contact with him so i could hear his side of the story and that he misses me more than i know…

should i be concerned for my safety, even though i was never physically abused in the relationship (only emotionally abused)? and nothings happen to me in a whole year since i left him?

I only have limited information but I believe that you should be concerned. One major red flag is that he was following you. You believe that it was only a one-time occurrence but you don’t know that for sure. There could have been other occasions that you are unaware of. His behavior could be considered stalking.

Another red flag is that he continues to feel very strongly about the breakup. As you noted in your letter, you were able to move on with your life. He has not been able to do the same. This is not a normal reaction to a breakup. Breakups are upsetting but over time most people come to accept the fact that the relationship is over. They move on with their lives. The fact that considerable time has passed and he has not accepted reality is a concern.

Another red flag is that he has a history of abusing you. You did not detail the full nature of the abuse but the fact the you were forced to move into a shelter is a sign that it was significant. Psychologically healthy people do not abuse their partners. This is yet another example of his psychological instability.

The fact that nothing has happened yet should not be taken as a sign that nothing will happen. Some of the most violent attacks occur without warning. Research shows that individuals who are separated or divorced are at the greatest risk for stalking. In addition, women are more likely to be victims of stalking than men.

My advice is to be on high alert. Take precautionary measures in every situation. Do not hesitate to call the police or file a police report if something suspicious occurs. Do not minimize any aspect of his behavior. Stalking is about power and control and in that way it is very similar to domestic violence.

If he attempts any additional contact with you, file a police report and inquire about an order of protection. I would also encourage you to read about stalking and how you can best protect yourself. Every state has anti-stalking laws. Know the laws in your state. Two helpful resources are the National Center for Victims of Violent Crime website and the National Institute of Justice. I hope this helps. Please take care and stay safe.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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