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She can’t stop talking about her problems

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I am driving my boyfriend and myself crazy because I can’t stop talking about my own mental health issues. I am constantly analyzing, analyzing, analyzing, and then before I even realize what I’m doing I’m asking for my boyfriend’s input on my problem and why it’s there, what to do to change it, how much it upsets me, whether we’re going to be okay or not, whether he thinks it’s going to impact my life in terrible ways or not. And then I say, “I know I’m talking about this way too much. I’ll shut up now.” But then, 10 minutes later, I’m talking about it again. And then I say the same thing — “Sorry, I’ll shut up now.” I can’t even sit through movies without thinking about it. My whole day my mind wanders to my issues.

I try to distract myself, but a lot of times, nothing else even interests me and I can’t keep my focus. My mind just keeps wandering back to my problems. But constantly analyzing my problems, I feel, makes my problems stay my problems.

I just got out of a 7-month stint of therapy. I lost insurance so I can’t afford to go back and my new work schedule prevents me from seeking treatment anyway (9-5, M-F). Besides, I feel like going to a therapist again would just feed into this problem. That’s what always happens. After I finish therapy, I am usually more stuck in my head than I was before. But I like therapy. It’s like an addiction, talking about this stuff over and over. I tried to explain this to my therapist but she wasn’t very helpful, or maybe I didn’t explain myself very well. What IS this problem, anyway? Is this a part of my OCD?

Last night was really, really bad (all night long, it was all I could talk about, even though I was clearly being annoying), and I’m afraid my boyfriend will leave me if I don’t cut it out.

HELP ME!

This has to be sooo frustrating. Despite your best efforts, you haven’t been able to manage this on your own. You may be right on target thinking that what you are experiencing is a symptom of OCD. Many people mistakenly think that OCD is only about hand washing or checking things over and over or putting things obsessively in order. But OCD has many forms and differs from individual to individual. In some people, and maybe for you, it takes the form of repetitive, unwanted thoughts. It’s certainly worth getting an evaluation to see if this applies to you.

All therapy is not alike. If you’re right that OCD is the culprit, going over your childhood experiences or analyzing your current situation probably isn’t going to help. If that’s the diagnosis, I would suggest a two-pronged approach: See a psychiatrist about some medication (yes, there is medication that helps tone down OCD) and find a cognitive behavioral therapist who can teach you about “thought stopping.” You live in a very big city. I’m reasonably certain that you can find a clinic that offers a sliding fee scale and that has evening and weekend hours.

I hope you follow through, both for your own sake and the sake of your relationship. Your boyfriend has been terrific so far but I agree, if you don’t start to handle your problem differently, he could start to wonder if he wants to sign on for a lifetime of listening to your issues.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Is Age Difference a Problem?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over nine months. We get along great and he treats me amazing. The problem, I’m 18 and he’s 41. There is a huge age gap between us, but it doesnt seem to bother him and I know it doesn’t bother me. My parents found out about us two within a month of us starting to date and I got in huge trouble. They took my phone and I could only use my car to get to school and back. They pretty much did all they could to keep us away from each other. We found ways around it, until i got my phone back I would text him off my ipod and stuff. I have my car and phone back now so we see each other on a regular basis but we have a new problem now. My boyfriend has been getting restricted calls the passed three months from somebody that neither one of us can recognize and they are threatening him. It started with them tellin him that they would make his life a living hell and everything like that,but the passed few phone calls they have been saying that since threatening him isnt working they will make my life a living hell. They’ve threatened to expose us to my family and close friends that do not want us to be together. My question is simple, what should i do about this? Should we go to the police? We just dont want to go to the police and it make the caller more mad and then they expose us. Please help me, im going to college about an hour away in the fall if that help.
Thank You 🙂

There are several layers to this question. I share your parents’ concerns about a relationship with someone so much older when you are so young. It would be a different story if you were a fully developed adult of, say, 40 and he 63. At that point, you would both be bringing an adult history and adult development to the relationship. The same age difference has different implications when one of the partners is just on the edge of adulthood. I always wonder what it says about an older person when they prefer to be with someone so inexperienced over someone who is a peer. However delightful and lovely you are, you aren’t at the same level of maturity and you don’t have a shared sense of history or culture. The fact that you are dependent on your parents and sneaking around to text him or see him only confirms your immaturity. The fact that he supports you in the duplicity makes me wonder about his character.

As for the threatening phone calls, I think you and the manfriend (somehow I can’t call him a “boy” friend) need to have a sit down – together – with your parents to have an honest conversation. If you are old enough to be embarking on this relationship, you should also be old enough to be open about it and to have a reasonable discussion instead of an argument. If you and your manfriend are serious,the two of you need to consider whether he is willing and able to support you instead of your parents. It is unreasonable and unfair for you to expect to live like a child with your parents providing a car and phone and a college education while you do something that is so contrary to their value system. Once you are adult and honest about your relationship, there is no risk of “exposure” because there is nothing to expose.

You can then ask your folks straight out if they are the source of the calls. If your parents deny that they made the calls, either they are telling the truth (in which case you have another problem) or they are not owning up to something they may have done in desperation to get you two apart. Either way, it will do no good to get into an argument. The two of you could then simply and calmly inform your folks that you will be contacting the police to see what can be done to stop the threats. You could ask for their support while you resolve what has become a frightening situation.

I’m sorry this all won’t be easy. But being mature means dealing with things even when they aren’t easy. How you and your manfriend handle this situation is going to tell you a lot about him, yourself, and your relationship with each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Should I Take Antidepressants?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think I could write about my problems for days, however I’ll sum it up for you so that you hopefully can help me. I’ve felt depressed for so long that I have completely changed. I feel like I am two different people. Let me explain.

Before I started becoming depressed, I was so full of life, I was so energetic, and I had a lot of self esteem. I had so many friends and people wanted to hang out with me all the time! There was a friend who always asked my help for “social” stuff. I was always very optimistic. I rarely had a negative thought!

Now I’ll explain the “new” me. I’m by myself most of the day. I have only one friend that calls me, and that only happens occasionally. I have to always call people up to hang out, yet I can’t be in huge groups or I just break down. I’m very quiet now, and its hard to relate to people. There’s barely a point to go out anymore. I’m very pessimistic. I only see negative side to things! Even my teachers at school say I’m hard on myself!

I have to walk constantly! This is the way I’ve been able to cope with (what I think is) depression. I don’t get happy after walking, but it helps me get through the day. I took all my friends for granted, and now I know exactly what it feels like to be a complete loner.

I can act happy at any given time. I don’t want to be a downer around people, so I’ve learned how to do it. However, this isn’t how I want the rest of my life to be. I need help! At this time, I will do anything to get back how I used to be!

I was wondering if you think I should take antidepressants. I’ve tried so many different options. I want to be happy. I can’t take this anymore. Please help me find my old self. Thanks!

If I had the opportunity to talk to you in person, I would inquire about what has happened in your life. You were happy before and now are depressed. At some point, apparently there was a change. Did something negative happen? Did something recently change in your life? Answers to these and similar questions might help to uncover the source of your depression.

Your question is whether or not you should try antidepressants. The answer will depend on many variables. It would be advantageous to be evaluated by a mental health professional. The purpose of an evaluation would be to assess your symptoms and to determine if you do in fact have depression. Once you had received objective feedback about your situation, you would be in a better position to choose the most appropriate treatment.

It is currently believed that a combination of psychotherapy and antidepressant medication is the most comprehensive treatment for depression. This combination, however, is not effective for everyone. Some individuals respond better to medication only. Some prefer psychotherapy. If you had tried psychotherapy and found it to be ineffective, I would encourage you to keep trying. Oftentimes it can some time to find the right therapist but finding one could make a major, positive difference in your life. If you decide to try medication, I would recommend working with a child/adolescent psychiatrist who is specially trained to treat depression in adolescents.

You exercise to feel better. Although it does not eliminate your feelings of depression it to some degree improves your mood. For the time being, it is a good coping mechanism. It provides emotional relief and it is a healthy activity. You may also want to try walking with a friend or family member. I understand that you are struggling with social interaction but you should resist the urge to isolate yourself. Social isolation might make your depression symptoms worse.

I would also recommend consulting your parents about the possibility of taking antidepressants. They may have important feedback or advice for you. They may be able to help you with this problem. It might also be helpful if you read more about antidepressants and their side effects. Knowing more information about a potential treatment can help you to make the most informed decision.

Thanks for your question. I wish you well.

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What’s wrong with me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

i can’t go to a doctor because of my parents and i feel horrible! i need help! WHATS WRONG WITh ME!?! i don’t know wat to do! i feel horrible all the time! i cry all the time! WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!?! my feelings are completely not normal…whats going on?

well, i’m a teenager..suffering from alot of pain. my parents mentally and emotionally abuse me and sometimes physically. it kills me inside to know that they don’t really care too much. and they don’t support me. i don’t really or haven’t heard them say i love you in about 2 years.they yell, scream, swear, and sometimes hit me. i don’t know what to do but just sit there and let it all happen. i can’t call the police on them cuz when they got done being in trouble they would just be the same…its happened before. i try to please them but watever i do i just can’t please them…i’m not good enough for them. i have a brother and a sister and they seem to be just perfect for them. i mean they love me…THEY HAVE TO DON”T THEY? i mean they are my parents…its their job right?

well, enough about them…at school people make fun of me. i’m not so popular but i don’t really care…i mean i can’t stand what they say about me and stuff but i would never wanna be like them. the things they say and do are just horrible. they push me down, call me mean names, and talk behind my back…i can’t stand it…and i try to ignore it but i can’t…

i feel so terrible. its like there is this empty, hollow feeling inside me. i cry all the time! i don’t know wat to do…i have tried to commit suicide 2 times now….and its like this monster or something has taken over me and i can’t gain the strength to win the battle……and when the suicides didn’t kill me…i was really mad…i just want to die!!

with saying that, i have to vent someway don’t i? well, i am a victim of self-harm. i cut myself all the time! and i mean all the time! i can’t help it though. i LOVE IT! i mean i know its bad but i can’t stop! and i just cut everywhere and any where….

sometimes i can resist though. it depends if i am able to dance. well, i forgot to mention this but i’m a dancer! i dance at the best studio in town. and i love it! its my passion…and whenver i getta dance i feel unstoppable and incredible all the stupid feelings go away. i mean i feel awesome when i dance…but when i stop dancing it all goes back to the way it was…sad and depressing…and lonely. i mean i love to write too. when i am sad and can’t dance and am to tired to get up and cut i just write poems. i write poems about the way i feel. its fun..i like it alot …but then again its like dancing once i stop it goes back to the way it was…

I NEED HELP!
i don’t know wat is wrong with me?
please help me! i really want to know wat is wrong wit me!
i dont’ know how much longer i can really last…

Thank you so much for writing. You do need help. But the first step to getting help is asking for it. You took that step. Now let’s see what we can do to make things a bit better.

The answer to your question is that you are being bullied both at home and at school. There isn’t enough good stuff going into your “emotional bank.” The only time deposits are being made is when you dance and when you write. That’s a real good thing, though, because the dancing is so powerful for you and writing poems helps you express your feelings. Both activities give you places where you feel good and feel good about yourself.

I’m truly sorry your parents treat you so differently from the way they treat your brother and sister. I don’t have enough information to understand it. I’m very, very sorry to hear that calling the police only made things worse. Since that avenue seems closed to you, we need to figure out other ways to get you the help you need.

First, please understand that you are not alone. I get many, many letters every year from kids who feel like the outcast in their own families. Not everyone gets the family they want and deserve. When that happens, we of course try to make things a bit better inside the family but we also need to create a community of loving support outside the family. Families can be made as well as born. You can make an alternative family for yourself that will give you the kind of support and caring you need.

The dance studio is a place to start. It’s a place where there are already people who share your interests. There are probably people there who admire what you can do. Do everything you can to be a friendly and helpful person there. Volunteer to help out with the classes for little kids and to staff the desk. Help the younger and less skilled kids. Collaborate with the people who are on your level. If there is a dance company, work hard to be good enough as a dancer and nice enough as a person that you will be a welcome addition to the troupe. You might even eventually be able to be an assistant teacher.

In addition, you might be able to find a writers’ group where you could share your poetry with other people and where you could learn more about the craft of writing. Other sensitive people who write are also potential friends.

Meanwhile, work on being your own best friend. You are being hurt enough by other people. It isn’t helpful for you to be hurting you too. Although suicide attempts and cutting may give you a great distraction, it isn’t changing anything and it is giving you scars that will be a problem for a dancer. Cutting is addictive because the endorphin burst that happens when you do it makes you feel better for a little while. However, you can get the same endorphin burst from ten minutes of fast dancing or a run around the block.

I do think that having a counselor who is your own person to talk to would also be helpful. A counselor can give you needed support and also some practical advice about how to change things at school and at home. In many towns, there are free counseling programs for adolescents. See if your school counselor can help you find someone and find a way to pay for it.

If you get so down that you are thinking about suicide or cutting again, please call one of the following numbers. There are counselors available 24/7 to talk with kids just like you who are going through hard times. They are there to help.

Boys Town National Hotline: (800) 448-3000 (Yes – they talk with girls too!)
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: (800) 273-8255

You made an important first step by writing to us. Now please follow through and try out some of these suggestions. You’re worth it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Confused and Scared

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Help me please!
Hi, i think i have loads of disorders and theres something really wrong with me but i dont know what. I have been and still am bulemic im 14, 5ft 6, 120 lbs and UK size 6. see i am fat as. I really hate being this fat and cant eat in front of people im sick whenever i eat and hate everything.

But im also really loud, i can never stop talking loudly as when its quiet i get really scared and paranoid, i repeat stuff several times and always seem to have something i need to tell anyone. I have to repeat stuff several times and end up isolating myself as i hate being on my own so much.

I have thought bout suicide loads but at the moment cant bring myself to do it . Please help tell me what i have or how i can stop. Thank you.

Thank you very, very much for writing. You certainly do have lots of troubles. I can’t tell you for sure what exactly is wrong since I don’t have enough information. I do hear that you are unhappy and confused and scared and way too concerned about being fat. That’s enough for me to know that you are trying to handle far too much.

You didn’t mention whether you have told your parents or if you are in any kind of treatment. If at all possible, you should involve your folks. You need support and love to get through this. If you don’t have parents or if you don’t have parents who are helpful, please find another adult to talk to who can help you find the right kind of help.

If you are not seeing a counselor, it’s time you did. Look for a counselor who specializes in working with teens. If you’re already in counseling but it isn’t working, think about whether you are giving your counselor a chance. Have you shared everything that you told me? Are you thinking hard about what you talk about together? If you are doing your best and you still don’t think your counselor is right for you, ask to transfer to someone else. Feeling that your counselor can understand and help you is important if therapy is to be successful.

Whenever you are feeling overwhelmed and suicidal, there is a helpline in the UK you can contact called ChildLine. You can talk to the people at ChildLine about anything at any time. No problem is too big or too small.

Here’s a section from their website:
If you are feeling scared or out of control or just want to talk to someone you can call ChildLine.
Some of the things that people phone about are feeling lonely or unloved, worries about their future, problems about school, bullying, drugs, pregnancy, HIV and AIDS, physical and sexual abuse, running away and concerns about parents, brothers, sisters and friends, and crimes against them.

Whatever your worry, large or small, we’re here to offer advice and support. When you are ready. Call ChildLine on 0800 1111.

Please take steps to take care of yourself.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Bipolar?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I feel like I’m bipolar.. am I??? My dad is bipolar, and has been my whole life, He has gotten worse because of his heart attack in June. When he’s manic, I love it! He does funny, and risky stuff, and I take part. My younger brother (15) doesn’t like it as much as I do and I don’t know why. I feel like I also get manic sometimes. I feel like my thoughts are rushing, and I act crazy and obnoxious without thinking at all, it feels like an impulse. I have anxiey issues though, and I take anti-depressents for it. Why do I find it so fun when my dad is acting crazy when he’s manic, and other people around me hate it, or is embarassed? Am I bipolar too?

Bipolar disorder tends to runs in families. Your father has it and therefore you are at an increased risk for developing the disorder. I cannot diagnose you over the Internet and just because your father has it does not necessarily mean that you do, but you might. If you do have it, this may explain why you find it fun and entertaining when your father is manic (i.e. you can relate). Perhaps he’s more “fun” when he is manic because being manic is like being high on drugs. Everything seems and feels better than it actually is. People with bipolar disorder commonly say they like the feeling of mania. Tara Parker-Pope’s Well Blog in the The New York Times last year featured a number of individuals discussing their experience with mania. One interesting quote came from Carter Goodwin, a 42-year-old artist with bipolar disorder, who said “I miss the mania…I love the mania. It feels so good to feel like I can do anything and like there is something really special about me. But it’s all chemical. It’s not true.”

You mentioned feeling impulsive while manic. Mania and impulsivity go hand-and-hand. If you are manic then you are not thinking clearly. If you are not thinking clearly then you are less likely to make well-thought out decisions and more likely to engage in less calculated or reckless behavior (i.e. impulsivity).

As for your brother, perhaps he’s concerned or embarrassed because he knows that the manic behavior is abnormal and unhealthy. To be manic is to be unstable. Some aspects of your behavior are apparently disturbing to him. That could explain his reaction to you and the reaction of others.

When your father is manic and you join in with him, you make be inadvertently making his situation worse. You take antidepressants for depression but you are not currently treating the mania-like symptoms (i.e. rushing thoughts, impulsivity). My suggestions for you are to realize that you are at risk for bipolar disorder (because of a family history), to limit or eliminate the manic-like activities that you engage in with your father, and to consider being assessed and treated for bipolar disorder. It is important to seek treatment as soon as possible so that you can decrease the chances of developing full-blown bipolar disorder. You may also want to consider family therapy. Since your father experiences mania, he may benefit from treatment as well. In addition, if he were being treated, it might make it easier for you to stabilize your manic symptoms. If you’d like to find a therapist in your community, please search this directory. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

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I Can’t Deal with My Anxiety Anymore

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I have suffered from some type of anxiety for as long as I can remember. My mom has always believed that nothing could warrant outside intervention (e.g. Once I was even threatened with a year long grounding if I asked about a therapist again) So I have always learned to deal with my issues alone. I’ve suffered from panic attacks and extreme bouts of anxiety to the point that I’ve stopped breathing without realizing it (among other things like depression). The worst part was my hand would shake so much sometimes, that if I was holding a cup, liquid would spill out of it. Anything could cause it, anger, sadness, even being slightly out of my element.

When I start to panic, I usually go over the situation, remind myself why it is not as serious as I feel, and then spend as long as it takes to calm down, taking deep breaths. When I feel dizzy like I’m going to faint, I just stand really still, and remind myself i’m fine, until it passes. The hand shaking has been the worst though.

It helps that I am not embarrassed about it as much, cause a lot of times, if I forget about it while speaking, I’ll stop shaking. I also consciously calm myself down before events and that makes me shake less. The problem is, it takes so many tries before I can do something without shaking. Like I volunteered for the first time to do face painting, and I was so excited until my hands started shaking. I nearly had a panic attack, before I finally convinced another volunteer to take over for me. When I volunteered at a clinic, even putting a thermometer into a patients mouth, caused extreme shaking and I had to make excuses until I could calm myself down.

Whenever I look this stuff up, most sites tell you to get coping methods, and to do things similar to what I have already taught myself. I have even seen somewhere, that there are certain causes to shaking hands that can’t even be cured. My coping methods, although are helping, are just not helping enough. There’s soo many things I avoid because I’m afraid my hands will break something, or i’ll have to leave and calm myself down because I’ve started sweating and having problems breathing. My mom still thinks it’s no big deal.

I’m 23 now, and I just would like to know, is there something that would completely get rid of these symptoms? I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life, but I will, if only to be able to live it.

I am impressed with your attempts to manage your anxiety. Your method was essentially to “sit with” your anxiety until it decreased. Generally speaking, that can be an effective approach.

Anxiety is reinforced (made stronger) when engaging in avoidant behavior. For instance, let’s examine the time that you volunteered to do face painting but had to stop because your hands were shaking. Ideally, it may have been better to have remained in that situation until your anxiety diminished. The anxiousness would have likely diminished but by leaving the situation prematurely you may have inadvertently reinforced your anxiety.

One approach you can build upon or practice is reviewing a situation to determine if your panic or anxiety is warranted. One’s level of anxiety should match the situation. For instance, putting a thermometer in a patient’s mouth should not generate anxiety. There is nothing to fear. Putting a thermometer in the mouth of an angry lion, on the other hand, should lead to a great deal of anxiety and panic.

In the first situation, there is no danger involved in placing a thermometer in the mouth of the patient. In the latter example, placing a thermometer in the mouth of a very large wild animal should generate fear because the risk of danger is high. That example demonstrates the notion that one’s level of anxiety has to match the situation. A therapist could greatly assist you in determining how much fear or anxiety you should have in a given situation.

As a teenager, your mother would not allow you the option of seeing a therapist. You had no choice but to try to work through your anxiety on your own. As an adult you have the ability to make your own choices. You can choose to see a therapist. Therapists are experts in treating mental health disorders. Despite your commendable efforts, anxiety remains a problem in your life and because of this I would recommend seeing a therapist.

Medication may be helpful as well. It can help to “take the edge off” of your anxiety, enough to tolerate an anxious situation. Medicine might also eliminate your anxiety completely. You most likely would not have to take the medication for an extended period of time but that will depend on what your doctor recommends.

Anxiety is holding you back from engaging in activities that you would enjoy. It is degrading your life but it does not have to. Millions of people have anxiety but are greatly assisted with the help of mental health professionals. To locate one in your community, try clicking on the “find help” tab at the top of this page. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed & Confused About What Is Real

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how can I explain everything, I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I am diagnosed as bipolar. I am medicated and I tend to be like accelerated most of the time. I don’t think I get depressed as much as before, but is very deep and out of sudden. For example, yesterday I was fine in the morning, it was a good day (normal), when I got home to have lunch, I felt so empty, like my essence was drained, I stayed in bed all afternoon, couldn’t eat, speak, anything, not even drinking water, I just stared the ceiling in silence, and sometimes I cried, no real reason.

I wrote to my psychiatrist and she suggested me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. I won’t be hospitalized again, I mean, I have no money now, and if I do it my family would be so mad and then they don’t talk to me, and everything gets harder. So, today I just breathe and left the bed. I can’t talk, eat, or drink water yet. I am following my routine, but with sadness and feeling my lips sealed. I don’t think in suicide, not like I wan’t to die, ’cause I don’t, but I walk in the street and feel so much pain, and then I think if I shoot my head (or something there are many ideas) this pain will end, and never return. And then I try to think something else, my plans, something happy, but I can’t feel it, I just feel and see pain and confusion.

And then I think, that my psych says I am bipolar, but there are voices, I usually have voices, just I have learned how to live with them, like not answer to them in public, and mostly they are nice to me, and give me peace, but then they say I am not human, all this sh.. is because I’m not human, and I am like enlightened and I have to do stuff, to save other dimensions and help nature, and they are stuff that si nice, but now they talked to me again and put images on my head, of myself destroying cars, and streets. I said I could’t do it alone, and they say they’ll do their part, dunno, a lot of stuff. And is easy when you have images in your head about stuff is gonna happen, but you don’t have to do anything. ‘Cause then I just have to wait and see, but now I have to act. And when they are talking, when God talks to me, I don’t doubt, just know have to wait for the signal.

And later, I’m not sure what to believe, I don’t know if I am meant to help clean the world and do what God says, if I am enlightened and like a “special being,” with super perception and can talks to the universe. Or I am sick, I don’t feel sick, but I have read enough to know sometimes bipolars does’t feel they are sick. I never feel sick, I’m not sure I am sick, and i was diagnosed long time ago. like 10 years i believe. And is hard ’cause mi mom thinks I’m like a seer or a witch, and my med thinks I am sick, and my dad thinks I need to go to AA, ’cause is just my emotions in disorder, but I usually don’t have many emotions. And I never know what to believe, and I’m old enough to know, but I don’t.

Sometimes I think I should talk to someone, but I can’t, I can write it, I write to my psychiatrist but don’t see her cause she is out of the country for a year or so. And sometimes I used to talk to her, but nobody else. I really don’t trust in people I know, so I don’t talk about myself, or give my opinion, I mean I know I love my family, so I have a good relationship with them, but I don’t trust them. And is worse with people I don’t know, I can’t even say hi to them, i move my hand or smile, but it takes months of seeing a person, every day to say hi. So I don’t know how can I help myself if I can’t talk. And my head is getting so confusing I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for bothering, and I hope it wasn’t very confusing what I write, sorry again but I don’t feel very clear. I would really appreciate some advice, right now i am a little desperate.

Thank you very much for you time.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult to feel as though you have no one to trust, to confide in or to assist you with these issues. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but she’s out of the country. Being so far away, it would be very difficult for her to effectively help you.

At this point, your symptoms are unstable. You are hearing voices and are having difficulty distinguishing reality from non-reality. The voices are giving you messages, essentially commanding you to behave in a particular way. It is abnormal to believe that you are receiving such messages and commands. Those are signs of psychological instability.

As difficult as it may be, I would strongly advise you to see a mental health professional. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in Mexico so I cannot provide specific recommendations for how to access help. Generally, you should contact a mental health professional. Report your symptoms to the mental health professional. Even if the prospect of meeting with a mental health professional frightens you, do it anyway. Your feelings of fear may be very real but you can override that fear with action.

At this time, your judgment may be impaired. For that reason, you should not ignore your symptoms and assume that you are okay. Your symptoms may fluctuate in severity from day to day but generally they are not likely to improve on their own. Your symptoms require treatment which may include medication or psychotherapy. I hope that you are able to acquire the proper assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can’t Get Past Brother Sexually Abusing Me

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, I’m 17-year old girl. I’ve been experiencing a slight incest-ish sexual abuse. One and the first of them was by my big brother who was 18 at the time. (we have two years of age gap so I was 16)

It was midnight or so, late nevertheless. I was watching a movie with him in his room, when suddenly he sat behind me and started fondling my breasts. I didn’t know what to say about it, I have a fierce temper so you’d think I’d tell him to stop, but somehow I was too confused. He had this playful attitude, like it was some game, so I decided to let him do what he pleases until he gets bored. He actually mentioned a few things what he thinks of incest, that just the society prevents it and he thinks it’s a natural thing.

Eventually I left his room since it began to make me really nervous. I got in my own room and started doing stuff on my computer. After a while, he came in and sat on my bed watching what I was doing. Then he again started touching my breasts and I finally told him to stop. He again had this ‘playful’ attitude, and just continued saying it’s not that bad. I decided to let it pass, because I was a bit tired since it was late. But then his hand went to my crotch. I grabbed on to his hand and this time irritated told him to cut it off. Again, he just said “come on”. I don’t know why I let him do it. He eventually started fingering, and I just tried to pretend I didn’t care and continued surfing in the internet. In the end he got bored, left saying “well, nevermind if you don’t like it.”

Next day I couldn’t look him in to eye, and when the other family was having a dinner in the downstairs, I spent my time crying in my room. I felt horrible and used. It has been about two years since it happened, but I can’t forget it even if I wanted to.

Our parents don’t know about this, and I can’t tell them. I don’t want to be a poor helpless victim and break the family apart.

I imagine you are feeling guilty that you didn’t scream at him to stop. I want you to know that your reaction is common. When someone is violated by a person they trust, the response is often disbelief, bewilderment, and confusion. The perpetrator takes advantage of that. Some even then try to convince the victim that she consented to the situation because she didn’t say “no.” Some rely on the confusion of the victim to enable them to continue the abuse.

You mention that the event was only the first of situations that make you uncomfortable. Please don’t let yourself minimize what’s going on. This is sexual abuse. It is not normal. It is not okay. It is not something your brother can justify by some notion that he knows better than society. Regardless of what he thinks, he lives in a society where there are social rules and laws that protect children and teens from unwanted sexual advances.

The upset in the family that is likely to come from telling your parents doesn’t make you the person who “breaks the family.” Your brother already did that. How will you ever have the same relationship with him again? Why would you want to come home if you know he might be there? How will you manage to relax at home if you are ever alone with him? His actions have already changed how you feel about yourself and how you relate to him and your whole family. Your brother is unlikely to “outgrow” his attitude. The consequences of what he’s done won’t just go away if ithe problem is ignored.

Your parents can’t help you – or your brother – if they don’t know there is a problem. You owe it to yourself to turn to the parents who love you to tell them what’s been happening. You need support. He needs psychological help. Your family needs to heal.

If you are having difficulty talking to your parents, it might be helpful to share your letter and this response with them as a way to begin. Tell them that I strongly urge you all to get involved with some family therapy to help you manage the situation.

It makes me terribly sad and angry that you’ve been dealing with this for over a year. I hope with all my heart that you will reach out to get the help you need.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m Lost

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I don’t know what’s wrong with me? I’ve been through some stuff, for starters I am an immigrant in the U.S. I’ve been made fun of because of that a lot. I now lie about my origins; I don’t accept the fact that I am not American in front of anyone but my own family. I am basically embarrassed of who I am and I hate myself for that, I mean I should be proud, shouldn’t I? I don’t have a very nice home either, I don’t have a lot of things that I wish I did. I live with my aunt and my cousins, my parents live in Mexico, I see them once a week for a couple of hours. My aunt and uncle constantly fight and so do my cousins, it’s gotten to the point of physical violence and I don’t know what to do sometimes. I lock myself in my room and try to avoid them and everything now. I have secluded myself from my family but for some reason I don’t mind it. I am afraid because I like being alone and I don’t think that’s normal. Being alone makes me feel calm but at the same time I feel lonely, I have a lot of trouble communicating with people. I feel like a fool every time I talk to someone new so I just stick with my old friends, but it seems like now they don’t want to talk to me, or maybe I’m just too boring? Maybe I just have to change myself. Though I have tried, I have tried being nicer but I feel like a hypocrite because it’s not genuine…I tend to judge a lot too, in my head I analyze everything. Every little detail of every person and I always finds something bad, I hate it! Why can’t I just be like the other people, free and careless? I’m very self-conscious. I think sometimes I care too much of what other people think, I tend to make people’s likes and dislikes my own just to agree with them. Why can’t I ever express myself properly? I was never like this, when I was little I was very outgoing and everything was so wonderful. I think I changed a lot when I started living with my cousins. For some reason I have this weird flashback from when I was smaller. I was sleeping with my brother and my two cousins, I was in the middle of the bed and all of a sudden I woke up, and my cousin was touching me…then he looked me in the eye and said what? And I didn’t say anything. I just turned the other way and went back to sleep. I don’t know for sure if this really happened but I could swear it did. Everything is so clear in my head and it disgusts me that for some twisted reason I didn’t mind it. Why didn’t I say anything? My brother was right next to me! I’m so disgusting. I am currently unsure of what I want, and I guess that’s perfectly normal for a teenager but it bothers me so much and I stress over so many things and I just wish I could stop caring so much like everyone else. Why can’t I just have a normal family and a normal house? I wish my mom was here, I miss her so much and I miss the way my dad and I were. My dad and I were so close until I found out he had another family, though I guess I always knew but I never took it seriously until I was a little older, at first I thought sharing my daddy was ok. Then I realized he’s wrong and so is my mom for allowing it. Now his other wife has cancer, he is no longer the same and the only time I see him, he ignores me and I have learned to ignore him as well. I hate it though… I miss his old self and my old self and I just need someone to tell me how to change. I just want to be sure because I don’t remember when was the last time I was completely sure about anything.

I appreciate you writing us here at Psych Central and hope I can offer some thoughts on helping you. Since you are still in high school I think you want to start with the resources there. The important thing now is for you to have an adult who understands the transitions and issues you are going through – and the best place to start is with your school guidance counselor. He or she has training in helping students with exactly the kind of issues you are bringing forward. Talk to them as soon as you can about your concerns and they should be able to help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Sexually Harrassed at School

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I was sexually harassed everyday in class for a year when I was 13. This guy used to say things, which i could ignore, but he also used to grope and grab my chest and butt and he used to try to stick his hand between my legs. I had a hard time with that. He did it no matter what i did or said.

I was afraid to tell anyone though. I didn’t think they would believe me. The next year he comes up to me and says hey I’m sorry can i have a hug? And i was stupid and naive and let him. Well he wrapped his arms around me and grabbed my butt. To this day i wont give even my guy friends a hug.

He continued touching me that whole year. Last year he would talk about how he liked it and was going to again and what it was like. This year he’s said stuff a few times and he grabbed my butt once.

I’m 15 now and I have to sit next to him in English and I’m constantly waiting for something to happen. I promised myself i would talk to a counselor about having no classes with him in the future when scheduling comes but that’s in a week and i don’t think i can do it…i don’t know what to do because I’ve got to put an end to this.

I’m so, so sorry you’ve had to deal with this all on your own. No one should have to live in a constant state of anxiety about being molested. You are an amazingly strong young woman to have been able to manage this for so long. You’re right. It has to stop. Apparently, this guy is very sneaky and has figured out how to get to you without being seen. He’s gotten away with it for so long, he doesn’t believe he will ever be accountable. Since he’s so good at it, I have to wonder if there are other girls who have also been victims.

Unfortunately, the only way the adults in authority can be helpful is if someone tells them what is going on. Please gather up your courage and talk to your parents and to the school administration. You should not have to put up with this a minute longer. He shouldn’t sit next to you in school. He shouldn’t even be allowed in school until he gets some treatment for being a bully and a predator. You won’t get peace and he won’t get treatment until you speak up.

I’m sorry that it does fall on you to take the lead. I don’t blame you a bit if you feel vulnerable and scared. It might help you talk about it if you showed your folks your letter and this response. I hope the people you tell will take you seriously and act immediately.

It would help you a lot if you could have the help of a therapist or counselor until things settle down. You need someone who is decidedly supportive. I hope you have some good friends who will also stick by you.

Speaking up isn’t easy. Please don’t give up. As hard as it is to find the courage to stand up for yourself, it is also an important way to become a stronger person who won’t be victimized again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My parents don’t talk to each other

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I started hating my parents last summer. It all started when I went to the beach w/ my friend. I had permission from my dad that i could go. I left early in the morning like 7ish and came back 9. He was so mad when i came back because it was “too late” and my mom didnt know about it. The thing is ever since i was in the 5/6th grade they stopped talking!! (they live in the same house but do not talk at alll!!! they dont sleep in the same room or anything!!!.) its soo stupid and pointless. They use my brothers and siters (there are 5 of us) to send messages to each other. That summer me and my dad always butted heads. I was mad at him for thinking he was right all the time and for getting his way. I was also mad at my mom. she doesnt do anything or back me up. she just stays there and watches. and when i tell her im afraid of him cuz he does get viloent she tells me to leave her alone and shut up. I think my mom is soo stupid because they dont even have a good realtionship and at least i talk to her but shes alwasy on his side.

Im 16. I found this teacher that i trust and he kinda took the place of my dad. He is the total opposite. but anyways I had a job at a fast food resturant.I worked there for about a month and quit for lots of reasons and i was already taking classes summer SAT classes at school and was too tired to go to work i felt sluggish and stuff. when my mom found out i quit she said well u could of just waited untill summer was over. and that was it. then the next day we were talking. my mom had to find the right tme to “tell my father” The thing that got me mad is because he didnt even know why he just insults me. (btw im not stupid im top ten of my class).

lets FFWD to today when i didnt got to SAT classes because i was unsure if i had them today beacause the teacher was saying its pointless and stuff but anyways. as soon as my mom came home my dad waited for the right time to “tell her”. my mom was like. “ur so stupid and u can clean the whole house because u quit everything” and of course she has no idea what happen because they dont communicate. all she knows is i didnt go!!

So thats basicaly it!! I HATE THEM SO MUCH. i always daydream of better parents that will listen!! and they think there always right!! and they always insult me call me stupid and put me down. They dont even talk to each other they just wait for the right moment and they over hear what happeneds then when ones done yelling at me the other does it to. They think there so reliogus but i think there the biggest hypocrite that ever lived!! I cant wait to grow up because i know how to not treat my kids!!!! i cant take it anymore. I dont know what to do!!!

This really hurts, doesn’t it. All you really want is for your family to get along and to be able to love each other. It sounds to me like maybe your parents are so overwhelmed by their own troubles, and maybe by parenting 5 kids, that they have stopped even trying to make things right. What really needs to happen here is some family counseling. No family can function well if the two parents aren’t even speaking to each other.

It’s at least worth a try to see if they would agree to take the family to see a counselor. If you make the suggestion when you’re angry, they won’t hear it. Approach them when things are at least relatively calm and tell them how worried you are and how much you want your family to be better. Then give them the phone numbers for your local community mental health center. Fortunately, you live in a city where there are several. (I’d give you a phone number but I don’t know specifically where you live. If you do a web search by entering your city’s name and counseling services at least 8 different centers will come up.) If your folks don’t go, at least you’ll know you gave it a try.

Whether the family goes to therapy or not, you still need to take care of yourself. You’re a top student. In less than 2 short years, you’ll be able to go off to school. You need to keep your grades up and do well on your SATs so you qualify for scholarships. Personally, I think the SAT classes that a lot of schools run are a really good thing. They help you get used to the test and give you practice. You also need to develop yourself through sports or arts or school clubs or volunteer jobs. Colleges look for people who are active and who have found ways to learn skills in teamwork and leadership.

It’s okay to look for other role models. That doesn’t mean to stop loving your family. Just don’t expect so much from them if they haven’t got it to give. A healthy choice is to find other people who can give you caring support, who can listen to your troubles, and who can give you good advice. Teachers, youth leaders, clergy, counselors, and often the parents of good friends are candidates for the job. Find some positive people and make time for them. Do remember that relationships go two ways and that part of making an alternative “family” work is to give as well as to receive.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I’m confused about what this is or if it’s just me being paranoid

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I’d recently been surfing on this site when I came across a disorder called, “Dissociation Disorder”. I know that I am young and I take that into consideration. (13 in a few days–also, I have dyslexia, so I might misspell some words) I don’t know whether it’s just me being extremely forgetful or this. I think maybe it’s the fact I tend to get lost in thought about my problems, like it says on the article, causing me to have gaps in my memory. I constantly think about my problems and sometimes my heart goes wild and my guts twist crazy when I think about it and I can get angry. I sometimes brood over certain problems constantly, pushing me deep into thought.

But I really don’t think that’s it. I have huge gaps in my memory. I can barely remember yesterday. Or the day before. I wonder if it’s just me being forgetful or I’m just brooding over this as well.

The main things I usually think about is past conversations I’ve had with my girlfriend. “Us” talks. I try to be mindful of her problems and life but usually just get too sucked up into my own and not noticing when she’s sad or mad. She is Bi-polar and has recently stopped cutting. We haven’t gotten to talk lately because of it being summer so I have nothing else to think about BUT this stuff. So, what has been bothering me is the fact that she’s called me inconsiderate and I can’t stop thinking about it. Another time she’d told me she can’t trust me when I tell her that I’m okay because I’ve lied about being okay before. I hide my emotions as best as I can. I just want people to see me as strong, and happy. These two things she’s told me, I cannot stop thinking about. It’s gotten to the point I feel like she doesn’t want me anymore, I’m useless and un-trustworthy, etc. Usually work/games takes these things off my mind.
Also, I’m ADHD, I have to constantly move even when I’m playing games. I get extremely guilty when I eat. I’ve even, at one point just avoided food all together. My friend had me start eating again and since it’s summer, I have nothing to do, I’ve been eating more than ever. My self-esteem is at an all-time-low and I’m starting to consider not eating again. It’s not even because of my partner, it’s because I want to please ‘myself’. I hear myself, but it refers to me as ‘you’. This confuses me to why it would refer to me as someone else. I’m average weight but every time I look in my damned mirror, I think I look pretty but I need to get just a tiny bit more skinny and when I do, I want to even more and it’s really scaring me.

Well anyways, I’ve just explained practically everything going on and I really don’t know how I’ll put this in ONE category. If you really do end up answering, I wish to give you a big thank you.

So, Thank You.
Sincerely, Confused

First let me say that I am very glad you wrote us, and that you are reflecting on the things that concern you. That is quite advanced for someone your age. I applaud you.

While there are many possibilities, I can’t give you clear feedback about a dissociative disorder. But I can encourage you to talk to your school counselor and your parents about seeing a professional therapist. Also a trained psychologist may be able to do some testing to help sort through the different conditions you speak of. My encouragement is to start with home and school, and find someone in your area you can talk to so you can get some more definitive answers.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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I Deal With Abusive Boyfriend By Cutting And Binging

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

Hi, I am 19 year old girl in my 2nd year of college. I currently live with my boyfriend of 4 years who is 25 years old. Our relationship used to be really good, but now all we do is argue. A few years ago I was flirting with other guys and he has never forgiven me for it. He constantly tells me he doesn’t trust me, and when he gets mad he tells me he hates me, that I should crawl in a hole in die, that he can’t stand to look at me, and many profanities. He spends no time with me so I spend the majority of time home all alone, which is the main issue because that gives me all the time alone I need to self-destruct.

I can’t stand myself, I hate everything about me. I’m fat and ugly, sometimes I don’t even know why I bother trying to make it through life nothing ever goes as planned. I feel like I am constantly starving myself or if not eating ridiculous amounts of food and then feeling guilty so that I either make myself puke or cut myself. I can’t control it, I feel like if I can make myself attractive my boyfriend will love me again but I can’t even take care of myself. The worst was when he caught me binging and freaked out along the lines of “No wonder I’m always starving, you eat all the food. For once I wish you would save some for me instead of stuffing your face all the time.” And despite hearing that I still continue to stuff my face… I can’t help myself… maybe I deserve to be fat. I can’t even decide what is worse, the purging or the self-harm. Both cause me discomfort and to feel like a failure, but in the end neither make me prettier…they just make me uglier. This also causes me to spend way too much money on food…I am $20,000 in debt with my bank because of all the money I waste on food. I eat too much so now I cant even barely afford anything…which my boyfriend also blames me for…rightfully, it is my fault.

I just don’t know what to do. I have thought about trying to see a therapist regularly but I’m too embarrassed. I don’t want to make known just how disgusting I am. I don’t want anyone to know how much I eat. I don’t want anyone to know how my boyfriend treats me. I just want to be a normal person… I want to be happy, and loved…what do I have to do to be okay?? 🙁

Even though you’re embarrassed, please go see a therapist ASAP. Licensed therapists are trained to help individuals and couples in crisis resolve your problems and help you, not to judge you. Just by reading this letter I can sense the depth of your pain, I have empathy for you,  and I want to help you. This is how your therapist will feel too when you meet with him or her face to face. If you’re not sure where to find a therapist in your area click the Find Help tab at the top of this page for a listing. There are likely earlier roots to your self-destructive eating patterns, cutting, and dysfunctional relationship that can be explored and healed in therapy and are beyond the scope of what I can offer here.

What you’re describing in relationship with your boyfriend is verbal and emotional abuse. No one deserves to be told by their lover “I hate you” or “You should just crawl in a hole and die.”  That is heartbreaking to hear and needs to stop if you are ever going to gain self-esteem and confidence to change your life. Your therapist can help you to build  relationships skills and to help you come up with a plan to stand up for yourself when your boyfriend becomes verbally abusive.

In addition to meeting with a therapist regularly, I suggest you start seeking out books, blogs, and other resources and start arming yourself with more knowledge and tools to help you feel stronger and more competent. Here are some excellent resources right here at Psych Central to help you get started:

Weightless Blog
Eating Disorder & Binge Eating Info
Self-injury Forum
Relationship & Communication Forum
Eating Disorder Community Forum

Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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My significant other has friends of the opposite sex that I don’t approve of.

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

In 2002 (I was 17) I met a guy (he was 26) hung out in a group that one night. He was recently divorced after a 7 yr marriage. I got married that same year. Never saw this man again. Until 2 1/2 years ago I was going through a divorce after being married 6 years. We ran into each other. Remembered each other. After getting to know one another, and building a friendship over 5 months, we started a relationship. Been together ever since. I am now 26, and he is 35. I have 2 sons from my marriage. He has no children of his own, but loves the boys like they’re his. And their father has since passed away, so he is now their sole father figure in their life. We have lived together as a family for 15 months. Even recently bought a house together. So, that’s a brief history. For the most part we have a great relationship. The main cause of our problems stems from his friendships with females. One in particular is a girl who he had one night been intimate with, but they’ve always been just friends. She started talking to him again about 8 months into our relationship, and he started going over 1 or 2 nights a week to watch movies with her and her sister and their children. (The sisters lived together) At first it wasn’t a big deal to me. Until one night I found out that without telling me, him and a friend of his picked her up one night and they hung out together, and some inappropriate (in my opinion) stuff happened. I got very upset, and it caused us to argue, and this arguing caused him to walk out, and we didn’t talk for 2 days, and he admits that the night he left my house, he went to her house and stayed all night bc he’d had a few beers. (Nothing happened) Ok. Several weeks later, he has one too many drinks and opens up about that night. He tells me he was upset and was discussing our problems with this girl, and she started crying and said to him: I wish you could love me like you love her. I’ve always thought we’d be good together. Of course this upsets me. So, he continues to communicate with her via texting, but he stops hanging out with her. Then, my ex husband passed away rather tragically. We disagreed about some issues and once again he walked out of my house, and we didn’t talk for 4 days. When we finally talked, we agreed to take a 30-day break, and if we still wanted to be together, we would start over. (We laid out ground rules: no communicating at all, unless it was to say we wanted to move on because we’d found someone else. We didn’t want to be unfaithful to each other. We were still considering us to be together, we were just taking a break to think things through) ok, so the next day we meet up and exchange house keys, etc. When I saw him (we hadn’t seen each other in 5 days) he looked awful. He looked tired, worn out, his eyes were swollen. It was obvious he’d been crying a lot. We hugged, and parted ways to begin the 30-day break. Early the following morning he texted and said he wanted to talk. So, we talked. He cried, and said he felt like we’d proved a point, he knew he didn’t want to live without me and the boys and he asked how I felt, and so we agreed to move forward and continue building our family. Of course I learn he pretty much spent the whole 5 days we were apart surrounded by all his friends including the 1 girl I have a problem with. That very day we get back together we see this girl in a parking lot and he waves at her and she doesn’t wave back. He doesn’t seem to care. Ok. Within the month we move in together. A week or so later we are laying in bed and he starts going through his phone and let’s me see where he had been texting her and getting no response and so he asked if she was mad and she finally responded with: I just don’t like how you handled everything. He says she means she is upset that he chose to stay with me. So, she ends up inviting him to a birthday get together and he declines BC I pretty much said no way. And he made a promise that he would never make plans to see her in person again. A whole year goes by with no communication between them and almost 4 months ago she pops up again and they’ve talked constantly since then. He works for a cable company. So he went to her house and installed cable. That was fine. Then he decides he wants to set her up with a friend of his, so him and his friend go to her house. A couple weeks later I specifically ask him if he has seen her other than those 2 times. He says no he has not. So, He ended up getting a new phone, so one day I looked through his old phone and was able to read text messages. I discovered that over a 4 week period he had hung out with her 4 or 5 times. Of course, 2 of those times I know about, the other time he flat out lied. He says it was all BC he was trying to set his friend up with her. This upsets me very much and of course we argued. Pretty much was going to end things. But, once again talked things through. Let me add that I have no concerns of him physically cheating on me. It’s the emotional part that upsets me. It hurts my feelings knowing that he sits and thinks of her and then feels the need to text her to see how her day is. I’ve expressed this to him numerous times. I understand he knew her years before him and I got together. He has explained to me that in a way she reminds him of his ex wife. She is very small and timid and shy and comes off as being fragile. She doesn’t have a lot of friends and she’s been burned a lot by family and friends. She told him years ago that she felt like she could tell him anything and she trusted him more than she had ever trusted anyone. She has a 3-year-old son. She is a single mom. Apparently the father has never been in the picture. Yes, he admits he feels sorry for her. He cares about her as a person. She’s always been nice to him. He says he can talk to her about anything. He can say anything he wants and if she gets mad, who cares? Because he doesn’t have to live with her. Oh and let me add…I have never met her. One way I described my feelings about the situation to him is: “She needs to find her own knight in shining armor.” Yes. I feel sorry for her. I have a ton of respect for her as a single parent. I know she’s a good mom and a hard worker. Does it make me an awful person to feel like “oh well.”? Not our problem?” I’ve never been a jealous person until all these issues the past 2 years. And once again, I truly don’t feel like he’d ever be physically unfaithful. His friends and family who’ve known him his whole life say the same. He’s been burned several times by unfaithfulness. He has several female friends that were in his life before me. I’ve met them and developed friendships with them. But, not this girl. She has stayed away. And if she does invite him to something she doesn’t include me in the invitation. It just really bothers me. The whole situation. What bothers me the most is the fact that she has expressed her feelings toward him, even crying that she wished he loved her the way he did me? And then he’ll tell me how emotionally unstable she is and she’s fragile and he can’t just kick her to the curb, she’s never done anything to hurt anyone she is one of the nicest people he knows. I feel that by him staying in her life it gives her false hope and if she is as bad off emotionally as he says, he’s possibly setting her up for a huge breakdown. That’s just how I feel. I apologize for how long this is and I hope you can make sense of it. Thanks so much.

What you are saying makes a great deal of sense, and it is very clearly laid out. I believe there is something called a parallel process at issue here. By not giving him an ultimatum and setting a clear boundary, he is not setting s clear boundary with her. The result is that a type of permission and enablement that allows the confusion and ambiguity to continue. What you have now is a relationship based on potential and promise — rather than actuality.

Ask him for exactly what you want, and set limits on what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you want a more committed relationship then you need to ask for it. If his lying about his contact with her is a deal breaker in the future — say so.

Three people in what should be a 2-person drama never succeeds. If you can’t set limits, goals and boundaries with him, he isn’t going to be able to set them with her. Is this an ultimatum? Perhaps. But I prefer to see it as your basic statement of needs.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Giving up on relationship with emotionally distant father

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I haven’t had a real relationship with my dad since I was fifteen and I no longer care or want one. My parents divorced when I was nine and he immediately found a new girlfriend. They’ve been together ever since. I didn’t mind and actually liked the new family (she has a daughter my age), but when they moved in together I was never included as a part of the family and was treated as a “second-class citizen” by my stepmother. My father did nothing about this and usually took her side (albeit reluctantly) in order to avoid conflict because she threw fits if she didn’t get her way. I wasn’t allowed to use the nicest things in the house and was never allowed to be “better” than my stepsister–if the two of us came downstairs in similar outfits, I would be the one who had to go change. When I got a perfect score on the SATs, I wasn’t allowed to mention it because she didn’t do as well. These things seem trivial, and they are, but the gradual accumulation of this kind of thing over the years led me to resent him. I used to have pretty bad problems with depression–I lost 20 lbs in a month, my mood swung back and forth from hysterical to empty, I experienced dissociative episodes, self-medicated with drugs and I spent all my free time in bed, only coming out for meals. My dad didn’t ever acknowledge this and I feel like he was willfully ignorant about a lot of other things going on in my life. He never asked me about drinking, drugs, boyfriends, friends, and any difficulties I might be having and he never praised anything I did. I feel like I’m making him out to be a bad person, which he isn’t, but he just doesn’t want to deal with difficult emotional stuff and so he’d rather ignore it. He also (until I was in college) treated me like a child–I wasn’t allowed to hear bad words and he’d be obviously uncomfortable if I interacted in an equal way with adults in front of him. When he and his girlfriend temporarily broke up he became incredibly affectionate, which really upset me since he had consistently chosen his girlfriend over me for the past five years. He also just refused to see the severity of anything that happened in my life–when I was admitted to the hospital with unexplained chest pain, muscle weakness, and neurological symptoms, he remained convinced that it was low blood sugar because I don’t eat healthily (it turned out to be an acute stress reaction). He made fun of me for being a hypochondriac and continues to make hypochondriac jokes even when it’s really not funny–but that’s more of his denial and refusal to admit that things actually might be serious.

Anyway, I talk to him occasionally on the phone and see him when I’m back home for breaks, but I’m just not interested in seeing him or spending time with him that I could be spending with people I actually connect with. My mom (who I’m incredibly close with) thinks that I should share some personal details of my life with him and try to connect with him again even though she resents the way he’s treated me in the past. I just am done caring. I love him because he’s my dad, but I feel like that’s the only reason–we have absolutely nothing in common and I just don’t feel like we would connect even if I tried. I don’t want to hurt him by completely shutting him out, but I’m content to see him only occasionally. Should I bother making the effort? Is it even worth it? Thanks for your time…

This sounds awful. I am genuinely sorry that you had to go through all of this in your family. But I don’t think completely shutting him out is the best approach. I believe what is needed is a change in expectation and attitude.

Your father has been systematically disappointing to you and you were not able to get what you needed from him when you needed it. This is sad and unfortunate, but trying to get now what you needed back then isn’t going to work. The time for him to be more engaged in your upbringing has come and gone.

This means that you can grieve what you didn’t have with your father and stop looking for him to be what he wasn’t and can no longer be.

In grieving a time gone by it can open you to connecting in a way that is more suitable to your needs now. Occasional contact can be fine with lowered expectations. As a young adult the emphasis in your life is shifting to meeting your own needs in relationships and intimacy. You can detach with compassion from the childhood needs from your dad, and allow for something else to emerge.

You obviously have the intellectual ability to succeed in life; this is your chance to develop the emotional growth that was limited in your childhood.

Focus now on finding the people in your life that will support and nurture you (as you do them) as you move forward. The counseling center at your university can offer you some support as you go through this transition.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Cutting and Depression

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not really sure how to explain this in a way you will understand. but here goes. I’m 17years old and ever sinse 8Th grade iv had an issue with cutting and scratching myself when i get angry and its mostly because my mom has yelled at me or gotten after me for something. because she always says that i give her attitude. but honestly i dont see how i have attitude because i dont throw a fit or anything like that. and there have been times where i figured why should i even live that nothing i ever do is good enough. i mostly feel like a failure sometimes. and iv tried to stop cutting. i can go for months but then start up again. and i get really anger at times where i just want to beat something. and i dont believe its healthy but my mom believes that theres nothing wrong with me. but i think there is. i dont know what to do, and the weird thing is. is when i was little and my mom would get after me id go to my room and bite myself or id say i dont deserve to live. Ive been to 2 counselor people and they never tested me for anything. the first one was more concerned on a certain person i couldn’t be around and the 2nd one was when i overdosed in 2009 and all he did was asked if i saw ghost or if i could predict the future and told me about a book i could read. and they never tested me for any signs of depression and stuff like that. I’m so lost. i hope you can help.

You are correct. Engaging in self-harm is not healthy. You seem to engage in this behavior when you become upset or angry. Below are three possible explanations for why you self-harm.

  1. The first is that when your emotions become overwhelming, you cut to reduce the intensity of your feelings. Some individuals report that cutting provides temporary emotional relief.
  2. A second possibility is that you lack effective coping mechanisms to deal with your emotions. It could be that your caregivers never modeled healthy emotional regulation. If a child is not taught correct coping skills, they often develop maladaptive strategies.
  3. The third reason may be related to a sense of inferiority and depression. Some individuals feel that they are unworthy of love or are unlovable. They perceive themselves as being a “bad person,” someone who doesn’t deserve happiness, only suffering. When an incident or emotional event arises, the individual who believes they are “bad” will often punish themselves. Their line of thinking is that “bad people deserve to punished.”

I have limited information about your history. From what you have revealed, you may have depression. Cutting is a not a symptom of depression but there is often a link between the two. The reason an individual engages in cutting behavior may be related to a negative self-image. Having a negative self-image is often indicative of depression. In addition, you mentioned that you overdosed in 2009. I am assuming that the overdose was an attempt to end your life or a cry for help. Suicidal ideation and a history of suicide attempts are often associated with depression.

The best way to know with certainty if depression is an accurate diagnosis is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. You mentioned that you have been to several. These visits did not help you but you should not give up on the idea of counseling. Continue to search for a mental health professional who you feel comfortable with and who can provide you with the best possible treatment.

Despite the fact that you may have depression I find your situation very encouraging. Even though your mother has not responded to your psychological needs in a satisfactory way, she supports your desire to attend treatment. There are many adolescents who do not have access to mental health treatment because their parents would never allow it. In this sense, you are very fortunate.

Don’t give up hope and please continue to search for a mental health professional who you like and trust. Finding the right therapist can make all the difference in your life. In the meantime, you should educate yourself about cutting and depression. I’m not suggesting that books are a cure but knowledge is empowering. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My Boyfriend is a Complete and Utter Jerk

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

So my boyfriend and me have been dating for more than 3 years now and we haven’t been truly & deeply happy for about 2 years of it now. After the 2nd year, we started to break up then make up and repeat over and over and over again. We would fight almost everyday and he would always lie to me and never gave me the love and support that I really needed. It even got to the point where I would have to ask him to show me that he loves me and appreciates me and all the stuff that a boyfriend should already do for his girlfriend. Let me start from where I come from and who I am.

I am an Indian girl who has Indian traditional values and parents. Of course my parents did not want me dating at the age of 15 (meaning we started going out during high school) so we had to keep it a secret and we did and he was so understanding of it so much for about a year and after that he just got so difficult. I went to beatings from my dad for him and he still didn’t understand what I was going through and at the same time him and me started dating my sister was diagnosed with cancer.

I had such a hard time all my life and I would always choose him over my sister because he would always want to talk to me and stuff. I will regret that all my life and when I do bring that up when he says I have done nothing for him and all he says is that he didn’t ask me to not spend time with her. He says whatever he wants to me, calling me names, being just absolutely rude to me, not listening to anything I have to say. I still stayed with him through all of it, just hoping that maybe he would change and be better. Then the beginning of my last year in high school my sister passed away and it was the hardest thing for me, I missed school for about a month and was always busy tending to my family and parents. I am the oldest so everyone would always count on me being the strong one, and I did it well, with no help from him … 4 days after my sister passed away he started fighting with me about how we couldn’t see each other and I was always too busy and stuff. It was that time that I was scared for life by him.

He never gives me the support I need, I left for college and I am a few hours away from home while he stayed home. He wants me to text him every second and talk to him all the time and he doesn’t support the fact that I am trying to make a future for myself. I have no help from anyone and if I can’t get support from my boyfriend especially one of 3 years then whom can I get it from? We still fought every single day when I was at school, it got so bad that I would just be depressed and wouldn’t go to classes or get out of bed, I even missed a final because of how out of it I was. And he doesn’t care about any of that. I know it’s my fault for letting it get to me so bad, but after 3 years of having to be so strong, I am just tired.

Then one night when we were fighting he cussed at me and I was done. I broke up with him and we didn’t talk for like a week. Then he contacted me and I replied back and stuff and we started talking and he asked me to hang out and I did. But I told him I was going to date and I would date him too but not exclusively. I think that may have opened his eyes a little but not so much. Then about 2 weeks after I left on a month long vacation overseas where the only contact we had was through email. Then one day he emailed me something just so unnecessary while I was on vacation so I called him and at the end I told him I didn’t want any contact from him for the rest of my trip and that I would call him when I got back home. That I did, then after I got back and got settled and everything, he was trying to be all different, because I told him I’m not getting back together with him until I see that he changes and is a better person and stuff, but he was so sure that he had changed and those couple weeks of not talking just made him realize what he would do to me and stuff. I wasn’t believing it at first but after 2 weeks I got a good gut feeling and went with it and got back with him … and here we are 2 weeks after getting back together and he is still the same as before. He even just the other day told me that getting with me was a mistake that he regrets and when I told him that hurt he was saying that he didn’t mean it the way I took it, is there really any other way to take that? He tells to just shut my mouth and everything between us will be better, he doesn’t want me to bring up all the stuff he has done to me in the past because he wants to “move forward” so I should too, but he brings it up whenever he wants.

What do I do? He just doesn’t know how to make me happy anymore but I can’t find it in me to just leave him. I really do love him and I always will. But I can’t take getting hurt anymore. Please help!

I wish there was an easier way for me to say this to you. I know you are sincere when you say that you love him. But you are in love with the wrong person.

We are drawn to what is familiar, not what is better. Your grew up in an abusive home and have found an abusive boyfriend. His abuse is emotional rather than physical, but your psyche is simply choosing a modification of the abuse; he isn’t a genuine correction. There is no evidence that he is either willing or ready to change. Don’t expect what isn’t a reality. Think about it. The best he can do is tell you to forget about his transgressions. There was never any mention of the steps he was going to take to change himself.

I would strongly encourage individual therapy (check the find help tab at the top) to unravel some of the pain caused by him and in your family. You will need this support as you find a way to break away from your boyfriend.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Boyfriend has Overinvolved Mother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been dating this guy for 10 months and to be honest although it has been rocky(he was drunk and cheated on me once in the summer, one night he was too drunk and ended up sleepwalking in my apartment and saying things that were very hurtful), normally he is one of the nicest people I have ever known. He has also had down periods where he wasn’t sure he liked his job and was a little depressed. Through it all I forgave him and tried to help him through all of it.

Since October things have gotten really complicated. His sister moved out of his parents house(where he also still lives he is 23, I am 27), since this time his mother has set all of her focus on him. When he is not at home she is always calling to see where he is. Saying she wants to hold him in her arms. I stayed with them at christmas(because I am living in germany and couldn’t go home this year) and she was coming into his room tucking him into bed. He has no responsibilities at home(laundry, cooking, etc.) She does everything for him.

About a month ago, she had an hour long talk with me while he was still working. Telling me that I should think if I really want to stay in Germany and what I want for the future, because she doesn’t want me to hurt her son. Since this time she has talked to him everyday about leaving me because ‘what if we got married had kids and I ran off to america with them’, or that what will he do when I just up and leave without saying anything to him.

I have noticed a strain on our relationship and everytime I wanted to talk to him about it he ignored it and didn’t want to talk. Until last Sunday. He was talking to me and said that he has been thinking a lot about ending things with me because he is not sure he is the right guy for me and he doesn’t know if he still loves me(and all the stuff his mother told me in our conversation). So he was ending things to me.

Well two days later he comes over with a list of things that have been bothering him(same things he said on Sunday) except this time that his family didn’t think I was good enough for him. I told him it was all pretty crystal clear and we should end things and he went on to say how he wants to fight for our relationship and love. As much as I love him, I am scared to death to stay with him. I mean if he already thinks he’s not the one after 10 months then it is pretty much over isn’t it? I also have no chance against his family and to be honest I can’t see myself going over to his house anymore because I will feel very uncomfortable. I love him and our time was great together, but I don’t know if it is wise to give it another chance.

The last 10 months have been a rollercoaster and I have forgiven him for things a lot of other people wouldn’t be able to. Just because his mother is scared of him moving in with me and leaving her I am getting the short end of the stick. Is it worth all this pain?

Probably not. You do understand that the problem is not your boyfriend’s mother. Yes, she is overinvolved with him. But she could not do things like tuck him in at night and do his laundry if he didn’t let her. At 23, it’s not that unusual for a young person to be struggling to establish new boundaries with his or her parents. But you are well out of that stage. He’s still in the thick of it. You are living independently, far from home, navigating a different culture. He is still in his parents’ home, living like a teenager.

My vote is that you take a huge step back. Get to know people your own age who are establishing themselves in their careers and in their adult lives (and doing their own laundry). However much fun your guy may be at times, he can’t give you the mature love you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why is my sister acting this way?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

In February of this year, I moved out of my dads house. He is a crackhead and once when he was high he had physically and verbally abused me, and I left. It had happened before, but never like this. When I tried calling for help, he took my phone. I ran into my sisters room(shes a year and a half younger than me) and used her phone to call my mom, who lived about 20 minutes away. He heard me crying and talking on the phone and tried to break the door down and kept telling me to shut up. After I got off the phone, I ran into my room, locked the door and packed my stuff. He left the house.

As you can see, my sister was there for me. We were never really close, but if one of us needed the other, they were there. Its now November, and things are way different. I havent talked to my dad since that day. I did talk to my sister for about a month after that happened. During that month, I would still go out to my dads when he wasnt home, as he is a truck driver and only home every other weekend, and play the xbox, etc.

Then all of a sudden, I get a text from my sister. Shes telling me how mad she is at me. When I ask her what I did, she wont give me an answer. Still to this day I have no idea what I did. She tells me to “stop being stupid, I know what I did.” Its only gotten worse since then. She now wont even talk to our mother. My sister tells our family(my moms fiance, his ex-wife and their 2 daughters) that she hates my mom and me, but never gives a real reason. My mom tries calling her almost every night, but she never answers. My mom leaves voice mails, crying, asking her to tell my mother why she hates her. She never calls back.

A few nights ago, on my mothers birthday in fact, my mom asked me to text my sister and ask if she was going to call her for her birthday. Her answer to that? “Ill call her when I get home and have time.” I told her there was no excuse for this, and that mom should be called as soon as possible. Our whole family knows she’s up to no good when shes out, she has parties when dads not home, lets her 16 year old boyfriend(who has no permit or license) drive dads car, she stays out past curfew, and she has had the cops called on her. I continued texting her for the next 7 hours, trying to convince her to call mom. She never answered with a “ok” or an “I will”, but instead argued with me about pointless things. Needless to say, that phone call never came.

The holidays are coming, and us kids(me, my sister and my moms fiances daughters) were all invited to my mothers for thanksgiving and christmas. My sister refuses to go if me and my mother are going to be there. I think my dad has gotten into her, but I dont understand why she cant stick up for herself. He spoils her now; he bought her a puppy, he takes her out to dinner every night when hes home, etc. Shes going to be 18 next year, she should act like an adult. Thank you for your time.

I can tell that this situation is heartbreaking for you and your mother and that you are genuinely confused and upset by your sister’s behavior. Without knowing more about the situation, I have only one guess. Is it possible that your sister feels that everyone has abandoned her? You and your mother both got out of your father’s house. She’s been left there – with the violent crackhead that you couldn’t stand to live with!

I’ve known situations like this where the father is also abusing the daughter and threatening her not to tell. If that is possibly the case here, of course she can’t tell. She has to hope and pray that you will guess. Her various negative behaviors could be seen as signals to you that she’s needing help.

My best suggestion is that you stop blaming her for not being “an adult” and see her for the scared 16-year-old she is. She may need your help, not your negative judgments. You and your mom need to discuss a way for her to not live with your father if that’s what she needs.

Pick her up, take her to a safe and pleasant place and have a sympathetic heart-to-heart talk. Apologize to her for leaving her with your dad and ask her as kindly and calmly as you can if he is hurting her in any way. See if she would like a way out of the situation. Be prepared for her to be angry with you. She may well have a right to be. Listen. Don’t defend. Just listen and be there for her. If I’m right about the situation, it will be important for you to be as supportive as you know how to be.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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