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How Do I Deal with Unsupportive and Hurtful People?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW March 25th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

In the last few months my illness has taken a turn for the worse. I am struggling at home and at work. I have been unable to help out as a father, it seems that all I can do is cling on to my ability to provide. Which is something I fear I may lose all together.

There seem to be more and more people in my life who judge me without trying to understand what it is like to have a mind that fights everything you do. The thing I need in life to operate, to learn, and to develop is both sick and seems to undermine me in multiple ways. These people, instead of supporting me, pressure me about my inabilities.

I am not trying to victimize myself but I have a problem, something I can’t change or fix. Something science and medicine can’t change or fix, but only pacify. There are some things that I can’t do without serious repercussions. I can’t push myself beyond my capabilities without dangerous consequences. Becoming overly stressed is literally a life threatening for me.

In the past I have had both suicidal thoughts and plans when my illness is triggered, I have only carried out acts of self harm. I know there is a line out there where I would carry out more than that. That is why I am so careful about protecting myself from stress. I literally cut out anything that is moderately stressful in my life, I live in “survival mode” all the time.

So to my question. How do I deal with people who pressure me? Who refuse to try and understand me? Who would rather fit me into their mold of how they see the world than try to understand me? Should I cut them out of my life like I do the other stress’s? Do they even deserve my efforts to communicate to them? Please advise, thank you in advance.

It seems as though you’re feeling highly stressed by those around you. It also seems as though you have a good sense of your limits (i.e. how much you can tolerate). It’s good to know your limits.

Without more precise information about the nature of these interactions, it’s difficult for me to provide specific advice. Generally speaking, you should avoid people who make you highly stressed and could bring you to your breaking point. You can’t force someone to listen to you or to understand you. If you’ve tried and tried often, to the best of your ability, to explain your position to them and nothing changes, then stop trying; you’ve done all you can.

Conversely, even though you feel highly stressed by certain people, it does not mean that your reaction is warranted. Whether your reaction is an overreaction or the appropriate reaction is best determined by an objective third-party.

My recommendation is to consult a mental health professional who could assist you in handling your situation. In the meantime, it’s advisable to keep your distance from the people who are causing you to become upset. The fact that you are now living in “survival mode” means that your breaking point is possibly near and you might act out of aggressively either towards yourself or others.

This situation is resolvable, but I believe it requires the assistance of a mental health professional. I would advise you to make an appointment immediately. Don’t hesitate to call 911 or go to the emergency room if you feel as though you might harm yourself or someone else. Please stay safe and take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depression, Anxiety, Paranoia, Compulsions

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP March 23rd, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I can’t find it in myself to look forward to anything-everything is fleeting to me. I can only think negatively about anything as it is too exhausting for me to be optimistic. I constantly think about suicide but know that I don’t have the guts for it. Sometimes I feel like a god- smarter than everyone else and 5 steps ahead, other times I feel suffocated by my thoughts of nothing mattering, oblivion, bleakness. I feel hollow and empty sometimes. I have never experienced a manic episode, the closest would be impulse buys but nothing too bad. I feel like I have episodes of depression where my body feels sore, I can’t think about anything besides death, and wish to be in a year-long comatose or something. Every day is a struggle for me, I wake up with anxiety and when it prolongs itself through the day I feel so exhausted by it then depressed because of it. So many of my issues seem existential and therefore unsolvable to me unless I adopt an ignorance is bliss attitude but I’ve tried and physically can’t. I’m on 100mg of lamotrigine but I don’t know if I am worse or nothing changed at all. I just can’t find anything to stay happy about. Any time I ‘sense’ a disturbance, I immediately speculate the worst-case scenario and convince myself I am going to be broken up with, ghosted, or left alone. I feel like i am emotionally manipulative and have no control over some of the toxic aspects of my personality. For instance, when I feel like my BF is not giving me attention or something I go to the bathroom and cry until he finds me. I think that is awful of me. There are other behaviors related to that that i cannot control.
I feel like I am unbalanced beyond repair.

I am glad that you have taken the time to explain all of these uncomfortable and difficult symptoms. I think it is a good start and I want to dive right into your narrative because I believe it holds some important clues about a pathway for your recovery. Let’s start with your first 3 opening sentences.

“I can’t find it in myself to look forward to anything-everything is fleeting to me.” What is striking about your description is that it begins with you in search of you: “I can’t find it in myself…” I don’t want to minimize this because there is a very healthy part of you that is experiencing an unhealthy—or at least non-optimal part of you. That same healthy part then goes on to say: “. I can only think negatively about anything as it is too exhausting for me to be optimistic.” Again, in an important way you are saying that you know how to challenge these unhealthy thoughts by being optimistic—but that it is difficult because it is exhausting. Then you explain this struggle at its very core: “I constantly think about suicide but know that I don’t have the guts for it.”

In each of these opening sentences (and every other one as you review them), there is a healthy you that is being challenged by unhealthy responses. The healthy part is the one frustrated by the lack of progress and the one that is trying to get the right combination of forces together to feel better. It is up against the unhealthy part that, right now, is hijacking your healthy part and having you do things (like manipulating your BF) that your healthy part sees as “awful.”

Your last sentence has gotten it exactly right in the part that says you feel unbalanced—but this is definitely NOT beyond repair. You being able to notice and feel what is not okay tells us that the healthy part is what needs to emerge and grow. I am suggesting you do two things to make this happen.

The first is to learn about your character strengths by going to this website. Character strengths are something that, when used properly, bring us back into balance. They have to do with things like our persistence, gratitude, self-regulation, etc. Learning about them and how to use them is one of the best ways to bring yourself back into balance. Take the character strength survey on the site and follow the instructions about using your strengths more.

Finally, I would encourage you to work with a therapist to help speed this process along. The Find Help tab at the top of this page will help you find someone in your area.

Thanks for writing in and let us know how you’ve done!

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Loneliness Is Killing Me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP February 28th, 2023
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Please help me with advice. I am disabled and on social benefit. Am 28 years old. I have no one in my life and even though my main diagnosis is paranoid schizophrenia I have sadly these incurable, negative symptoms. My family is in ruins. Father is in prison and blocking rest of us life. My mother’s health is getting weaker and my brother is going his own way. My mother can’t sell our properties since father disputes over them. Court might take for expenses our properties. My father isn’t cooperating and I have no one in life. Toxic mother and brother who doesn’t communicate with me anymore. I wanted to make my mother happy so she isn’t alone so I helped her find her lover over dating sites. This man is also financially helping us. But I am always either alone or with my mother (sometimes with her lover). I have no one and no love. She says we will live after their (parents) death. I can inherit as disabled survivors pension only after their death. I can star
t life after their death. I can’t sleep for days, I have tremors and I barely eat. I constantly cry because I have girl from Philippines which I love. She is only light I have. But knowing I won’t be able to be with her many many years is killing me. I can’t stop crying and with her I burst in tears. I am falling apart. She is comforting me and I consider suicide, but she doesn’t allow me. Pain is too much. I promised her to be with her and marry her next year. But it may be longer… All the way until first parent dies. I can’t work since my work capability is revoked. If I start working I loose right to inherit survivors pension which is around 1000$. I would never earn that much by work and part time doesn’t exist. Competition ran over me in freelancing. I can’t do anything but wait. Wait what will they decide. But pain and tears never stop. It’s bitter cold loneliness. I simply hold onto my promise to be with her. I will wait, no matter how ill I get in age when I would finally be with her. She is only reason for me to keep living and not doing suicide. I simply am so afraid to lose her. (From Croatia)

   It seems as if there is a complication at every turn, yet I read that you have deep love for others, and have helped your mom find love. This is courage and kindness shining through, even when there are so many issues.

I appreciate you reaching out here to LifeHelper. It is a place where you can read and connect and get help with your daily thoughts. I am going to recommend our forums. They will give you a chance to get support and advice from others who have similar struggles — and they are free.

There are many struggles in your life, but the first and most powerful intervention for yourself right now is to get support through the forums. Feeling better first is part of the process of tackling the other issues.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is It Possible to Continue Relationship After a Suicide Attempt?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker February 27th, 2023
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From a woman in the U.S.: I met the most loving guy 6 months ago through a dating app. He broke up with me a week ago through text saying he “couldn’t do this anymore” and “wanted it over” when he was having a depressed episode, a week after his family had called the psych ward because he was suicidal.

That week I had witnessed him hurt himself and he was suicidal. After he was handcuffed and taken in, he convinced them he wouldn’t hurt himself and the next day he sought a psych eval that showed major depression and PTSD, but he needed further evaluation to rule out bipolar disorder due to familial history.  He was very angry and aggravated that he couldn’t get help, argumentative at times and would blame me for fighting.

Lately, in the past 2 months, he had become distant and wanted to be alone, avoiding spending time with me. He was usually busy working or wanted to spend time with friends. In the beginning, he was very interested and by the 2nd week we had 7 dates and he met my family. He had been married twice before but wanted to have a committed, exclusive relationship. He made me feel loved before I told him on the 3rd week and then he told me the next week after.

We each have a son and would spend time together with the boys. My friends and family were very happy for us and approved. Earlier on I knew about his self-harm because he told me and I could see scars on his face. Communication was difficult at times since he has a hearing disability and during the 2nd month, he thought I broke up with him and we got back together 12 hours later. I had witnessed some PTSD episodes that he attributed to childhood abuse but never actually saw the self-harm till 2 weeks ago. He had mentioned that he felt pressured at times and that I was insecure.

We both love each other and wanted to be in the relationship 3 weeks ago. I am very hurt with how he ended it but confused as we are still friends on Facebook and he hasn’t deleted our pictures and posts. I still have belongings at his place and he hasn’t asked me to get them. I have given him space and only reached out twice to check on him and let him know that I am here for him. I really care about him and loved him. Do we have a chance to get back together?

There’s always “a chance” but in this case it’s really up to him. He has long-standing issues that need to be addressed before he can maintain a healthy relationship with anyone. Two of his marriages have fallen apart — probably due to inadequate treatment.

I don’t doubt that he has feelings for you. I do doubt that he can sustain a loving relationship when he is so distressed himself.

You’ve only known this man for 6 months and things already were shaky by month 2, and again at month 5. I’m sure he has many fine qualities or you wouldn’t be interested in him. But for your own mental health, I do think you should take a big step back. Block the FB. Get your stuff or abandon it. As lovely as he may be, he has too much personal work to do to be a consistent and loving partner for you at this time. To try to make a solid relationship with him now will be disappointing and frustrating.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Sadness and Anger

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 25th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the last 2 years, I’ve been having trouble dealing with my own issues and sadness. I haven’t been going to school more then 2 days a week and I feel like I’m losing everything. I usually spend everyday trying to think of a way to find drugs and alcohol to make me feel happier, but even when I am high I’m very irritable and angry at everyone. I let my anger out by punching walls, and I even try to fight my own friends. I feel like I can’t make anybody happy, including myself. All my friends and family want to give up on me, and I want to tell my mom how I’m feeling but I don’t want to cause any more problems for her. I’ve already hurt her so bad by doing drugs and trying to commit suicide. I have no idea what I should do about my problems, I don’t even feel like I can write them all on this because there are so many thoughts in my head and I can’t put them all together. I have bad dreams almost every night, and I wake up frequently during the night. I sometimes get hot flashes and feel like I’m hyperventilating. The reason I think I feel like this is because I have been raped and molested 3 times since I was 13. Also, I’ve experienced a lot of traumatizing things in the last year, such as people getting beat up almost to death, party fights, and I’m always so scared to get raped again. All I can think to do is try to learn how to become stronger so I can protect myself from things like this. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, and I could really use help.

You’re not in a very good situation. You’re depressed, only attending school two days a week and using drugs and alcohol to make yourself feel better. Even when you’re high on drugs and alcohol you’re still feeling irritable and angry. This leads you to start fights with family and friends. This further alienates those who are attempting to help you. At this point you may be your own worst enemy.

You’ve experienced several traumatizing incidents in which you were almost beaten to death, raped and molested. These horrific incidents are likely, and understandably, the source of your sadness and anger.

You can’t go on like this. Something needs to change. You want to tell your mother how you’re feeling but you don’t want to “cause any more problems for her.” You say you’ve already hurt her by doing drugs and attempting suicide. Maybe your actions upset her. It has to be upsetting to learn that your child attempted to end their life. But by not telling your mother you’re prolonging your suffering and by extension hers as well.

Now is the time to tell her the truth. You need to do this because she may be able to help you find an appropriate treatment. Is your mother aware of the multiple traumas you’ve endured? If not you might want to consider telling her. If you are not comfortable with this then it’s imperative that you still find a way to make it clear that you want help. You’ve suffered long enough. So have your family and friends. The outcome of this situation will be infinitely worse if you decide not to tell your mother, continue using drugs and alcohol and fighting with friends and family, or attempt suicide again.

Maybe you’re afraid to ask for help. I can understand this. Asking for help is not easy. What’s even worse, however, is the idea of having to live a degraded life when there is help available. You’ve experienced at least three traumas and have yet to begin healing from these incidents. Studies show that discussing the trauma is a vital part of the healing process. You have yet to begin this process and it’s time that you do.

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Might I Have A Mental Problem?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 24th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I was wondering if i might have a mental disorder. people have described me as being cold hearted, and socially retard. I dont have friends and i havent had one for years, I have a group of friends when i was in elementary school, and then when i went to middle school that group shrank and then in high school i had no friends just a couple of people i just talked to, I get anxious when im in public ( walking fast), I always get paranoid when people just start laughing or giggling around me, i think that they are talking about me. Iv thought of suicide before and tried it once but couldnt go through with it that was a few years ago i still think about suicide on a weekly basis’s it seems. I used to be really quite around people and kind of forced my self out of my shell but it seems that i still cant form any form of meaningful connection with anyone, when ever i talk with someone i have trouble collecting my thoughts and at times people have trouble seeing my logic, when ever i talk with someone i always lose get bored and lose interest with the person, and what bothers me is not the fact that i dont have friends but that i cant seem to “fit” in. I went to college for a year but droped out, i was bored and uninterested, then i joined the military, i dont hate my job but i also dont enjoy it, i feel as if i should be doing something greater with my life i want to do something with my life, that very few people can say they have done. The only time i feel happy is when I’m in the ring fighting someone. Theres a lot more i could write but the question is might there be something mentally wrong with me or am i just being paranoid?

Diagnosis over the Internet is difficult. I cannot say with certainty whether or not you have a particular diagnosis but there are several symptoms that would be indicative of a problem, including: anxiety, believing that others are talking about you, difficulty making a connection with others, and suicidal thinking. Those may be symptoms of a specific mental health diagnosis including, though not limited to, depression, anxiety disorder, or personality disorder.

Another possibility exists. You may not have a diagnosable mental health disorder but rather are feeling an overall dissatisfaction with your life. You feel that you “should be doing something greater” with your life. That statement supports the assertion that you are experiencing a general dissatisfaction with your life. At some level, you may feel that you are capable of more than you currently have achieved.

My recommendation is to have a psychological evaluation. An evaluation would be advantageous for several reasons. One reason is that the clinician can gather many more details about your life and history and make an objective determination regarding a mental health diagnosis. Secondly, he or she could provide a referral to the appropriate treatment provider, if necessary. Finally, the clinician can answer any specific questions that you have regarding your symptoms. The find help tab, the top of this page, can help you to locate a mental health professional in your community. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle
@DrKRandle

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Controlled By Emotions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW February 18th, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I dont know whats wrong with me. In the past year I have been dealing with some issues I had to get help on, but some things I am too scared to tell my psychiatrist about. I am only sixteen years old and i know I should’nt be dealing with this. I dont really know what is wrong with me, but i get these feelings sometimes where i just want to run away for no reason and I dont know why. I honestly don’t want to run away, but for some reason I feel I want to. Same goes for suicide. Sometimes I will just get really sad for no reason and want to kill myself. Many times I have consumed way too many pills. I don’t want to kill myself, but sometimes at one moment i really want to, but suddenly don’t when i’m about to. Same goes for running away. For the past few weeks I really want to run away. Right now I have everything packed, and just two hours ago I was certain I was going to, but as the time got closer, I suddenly did not want to. Sometimes I will just do stupid things for no reason whatsoever. I really dont know what is wrong, but sometimes I feel I want to get away from life for a bit, get out of the same boring routine. Maybe I wish my life was more exciting, I don’t know. I really need your help before I do something stupid that may get myself killed.

I am glad you decided to write before you did something “stupid.” What may be happening is that you get upset about specific issues and “in the heat of the moment” you make decisions that are not based on sound judgment. The clinical term for this would be impulsivity.

You need to learn new ways to deal with your emotions. It’s important to be able to analyze your emotions to ascertain whether they are appropriate or logical. It would be beneficial for instance if you took a 10 minute break from a situation in which you felt your emotions intensifying. If you could walk away in those moments and essentially cool down psychologically, you may not be so prone to impulsive thoughts or decisions.

One thing that’s important to understand about emotions is they can intensify and become very strong but within minutes, tend to diminish significantly. An individual can’t stay at a heightened emotional state for very long. A “cooling off” period is recommended to individuals who tend to be ruled by their emotions. The point is that intense emotions eventually subside and when they do, you may be able to make more rational and logical decisions.

It would also be helpful if you had a mentor or a therapist who could teach you alternative ways to deal with not only your emotions but with problems in general. You wrote about wanting to run away or attempt suicide during stressful times. You’ve also had instances in which you overdosed not because you actually wanted to die but perhaps because you weren’t sure of an alternative way to deal with the stress of what you were experiencing. I doubt there is “something wrong with you.” I think it’s a matter of not knowing how to handle your emotions or problems in general. You could learn better ways to problem solve. This is a correctable problem. It’s a matter of learning a fresh set of skills.

You’re frightened to tell your psychiatrist about your out-of-control emotions. You can and should tell your psychiatrist. The psychiatrist may be able to assist you with this problem but if not, he or she could refer you to a therapist. Not many psychiatrists offer therapy. In most cases they deal with medication issues but they can make referrals.

Please do not hesitate to ask for help. Your symptoms can be addressed if you’re connected to the right help. I’d hate to see you continue to be distressed when there is a solution to this problem. Be sure that you talk about this with your psychiatrist the next time you’re in for an appointment. If you can’t wait, tell your parents. They may be able to talk to your psychiatrist on your behalf or work to get you in to see a counselor sooner than if you waited until your next psychiatrist appointment. If you’re currently in school then you can also speak to your guidance counselor about these issues. They too can refer you to a counselor or may be able to help you within the school setting. Thanks for writing.

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My Mom Committed Suicide When I Was 7 or 8

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D. February 12th, 2023
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

Q: It was during the summer between 3rd and 4th grade, i think i was 7-8ish, and my mom committed suicide days or the day before my birthday. I actually don’t remember much. I saw a therapist briefly, she was terrible, grumpy even.  Only went to a few sessions, got nothing out of it, at least that i remember. Now, i have major issues connecting with my family, friends, and much more, girlfriends. Opening up is near impossible, even if i really want to. ALL holidays and most major social events, from the super bowl to saint patricks day to christmas, are automatic lowpoints, with the only traumatizing event being near my birthday. I’m constantly worried i’m missing out on my own life because i seem to miss out on everything worth going to. I cling to friends who have done nothing but damage my life, and push away the ones who might actually help, and especially any potential girlfriends get shown the most aggressive detachment. What little sex i have had, i physically detach from, almost as if i’m viewing from 3rd person.  Since highschool i’ve been attending college, i moved 9 hours away to live with an uncle and aunt, rebuilt my life, ran it into the ground, rebuilt again, freaked out and medically withdrew from college to move again 45minutes from parents, rebuilt my life again, ran it into ground again, moved back home because i drove myself into debt and my roommate was an opiate addict. Now i’m sitting in debt, depressed on a regular basis because i have no friends here and i don’t have enough money to visit them, and i have no money to even attempt trying to make new friends here because everything costs money. My dad has always been closed off to boot.

I’ve never blaimed any of my actions on my moms death, but all on me (not her death though). I figure if i can figure out whats wrong and actively attempt to fix it, i won’t repeat mistakes.  But i do keep repeating mistakes and have constant issues opening up to people despite trying to, and i keep missing out because of it. Am i supposed to be having these issues because of my mom suicide? Is it supposed to be this hard to fix them? I keep chalking things up to “learning the hard way,” but at this point, thats the first 20years of my life, and i’m not sure how much more i can sacrifice before i truely lose any hope of being happy.

Suicide of a parent is a terrible thing from which to recover, and if we don’t get help, it will keep sabotaging us until we find a therapist who can allow us to heal. Whether or not you blame yourself isn’t the full issue, but it seems that you have become pretty self-destructive. I have never met you, but I suspect that your self-destructive behaviors are rooted in anger, anger at your mother for abandoning you, anger that you couldn’t have prevented it, and anger that nobody stepped forward to help.

The thing I know for sure about grief — if you don’t confront it head-on and get therapy, it will wait until you do. That is to say, it will fester and erode your self confidence, your relationships and your life until you get into treatment with a professional who specializes in your problem. Children of tragedy such as yours often go on to become depressed, sometimes for life. You should consult a psychiatrist for medications as well. Anger is considered a “secondary” emotion, that is, the primary issue is your woundedness and pain. 

You can find a therapist who specializes in recovering from the suicide of a loved one at Psychology Today. There you can find one who either takes your insurance or offers a sliding scale for treatment. But, you cannot do this on your own. You don’t want to be describing this same issue 20 years from now, so please find a professional in your area.

Kindest Regards,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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Diagnosed with Anxiety & Depression But Is It?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW January 1st, 2023
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t want to go to see a doctor in person, because that means I have to look at them. When I am around others I can’t help but act completely normal and ‘happy’. I hate being judged, so I don’t tell them anything that’s going on. I am afraid of people. I would feel like an idiot and I always have whenever I have opened my mouth about something. I know how to act perfect in social situations- Smile, laugh, converse at all the right ques. I’ve been told by my parents that I am extremely manipulative. I act normal around them now too. The only persons feelings I care about are my Mothers. That’s it. Couldn’t care less about any other. I hate being touched, Don’t care about others feelings or what they are doing, Will always assume I am being lied to. I always question if this is actually my personality. Is this actually me or is my mind just telling me that? I like to be alone all the time, don’t want to sleep, cant sleep. I like others misfortune and often go deep into thought about killing/harming others I see/know or myself. I have acted upon myself often. It makes me happy. Given the opportunity I would consume a human. I tried to strangle my sister once. I wanted to kill her. Don’t touch me, don’t talk to me, don’t look at me- I know you’re thinking about me or talking about me. Leave me alone. I have myself screaming in my head SSSHH! I tell myself to shoosh all the time-out loud I don’t know why. I want to smash everything! I don’t desire a partner-How annoying!Anything sexual is absolutely repulsive! I just want to think. I often will ramble- what I want to say, what I think in my head, never comes out how I want it to- It never makes any sense I hate it!
I don’t know if we are real. Are we actually real? Why? We’re so minuscule, why should I care? You are always being watched, even alone in my house I am being watched- Everyone knows, always assume. I scream at people in my head, but I would never actually do it..I think I would need quite a push. I don’t intend to have a very long life. why would I?

I’m not sure what your exact question is, but it seems like you want to know if you have depression and anxiety. Without an in-person evaluation, a diagnosis is impossible.

You said that you don’t want to visit a “doctor in person” because you don’t want to “have to look” at them. The fact that you been diagnosed with depression and anxiety would suggest that you have already visited a doctor in person. He or she seemed to think that depression and anxiety were the most fitting diagnoses. The professional who had the opportunity to meet with you in-person would have been in the best position to offer a diagnosis. Perhaps depression and anxiety are accurate diagnoses.

Your not wanting to be around others or be in a relationship, your desire not to “have a very long life,” and your engaging in self-harm, are consistent with depression. People with anxiety are afraid of people. They’re very self-conscious about how they are perceived by others and will often avoid social situations because of their anxiety.

The symptoms that are inconsistent with depression and anxiety include your desire to “consume a human” and your belief that you are being watched. Those symptoms may be related to depression and anxiety, but I would need more information to know with certainty.

Maybe you don’t have a strong desire to change but none of the symptoms you have described seem pleasant. They seem to be degrading your life. If you want to improve your quality of life, then you should be in treatment. The symptoms you have described are treatable with therapy and medication.

Depression and anxiety are two of the most common mental illnesses in the world. Many people who have symptoms just like yours have recovered with treatment.

If you’re willing to go to treatment, then you can expect a positive change. If you’re unwilling to go to treatment, then these problems could worsen. I hope that you choose treatment. There’s no reason to live with curable problems. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Suicidal and Need Help

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 17th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I’m not sure what to do. I’m severely suicidal and have attempted to kill myself 7 months ago and can’t stop thinking about doing it again. I did see a therapist before but didn’t find she helped me at all. She told me my problems weren’t that bad and when I told her I wanted to kill myself and that no one would care she said, why don’t you try it and find out. She also said she didn’t want to see me anymore until I had a job, so that’s why I stopped going to her. I’ve been unemployed for over 3 years now and the job I did have was the first job I ever had, and they fired because of my depression. I’ve been trying the last few months to get another job and I did have an interview and almost had the job, but they hired someone else. I am finding it very hard to deal with being suicidal, unemployed, depressed and I also have social anxiety. Another thing is when I was between the ages of about 3 or 4 until I was 12, a relative who was 2 years older than me used to do sexual things to me and I’ve always had a hard time dealing with that. I’ve never really talked about it before, it did come up once in therapy but my therapist said that it was normal for kids to do that. I won’t go into details of what he did, but I know it was not normal behaviour. I want to start therapy again with a different therapist, but it scares me because I feel and always felt like my problems aren’t bad enough to warrant going to therapy. I just don’t know what to do besides trying to kill myself again.

It is completely unacceptable and unethical to tell a client who is considering suicide to “try it and find out.” I do not know of an instance of that ever happening with any therapist that I personally know or know of.

It is wise to consider seeing a new therapist. The fact that you have suicidal thoughts is concerning and a sign that help is needed. Suicide is never the answer. There are many competent therapists who could help you.

Depression, in the past, was more difficult to treat. Today it is treated with great success. You are going through a difficult period in your life. It is quite common for each of us to have these difficult, troublesome periods. While we are having these painful times in our lives, it is common to assume that they will never end. Please remember that they do end. I have written here before about survivors of suicide attempts. The overwhelming, vast majority are very happy that their attempt failed. They realized the value of life and found the happiness that had been denied them.

I often advise those searching for psychological help to call at least four or five therapists. You want to essentially interview therapists over the phone to find out how they would help you. Discuss your problems and ask specific questions about how they would help. Make an appointment with those with whom you feel the most comfortable. It might take some time to find a good therapist but it is worth your effort. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Constant Change of Mood/Thoughts/Fears/Opinions

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW December 10th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

So, a lifelong issue (as I’ve come to the realisation of) is that my mood, thoughts and feelings change way too quickly, way too easily and for no strong reason. It’s a bit like I’m not tethered to reality, I sort of live in my mind constantly thinking about things, but it’s like I can’t easily conceptualise the future and say, my upcoming exams, or just grounded LIFE as we know it. I get tonnes of ideas/realisations on a daily basis but in seconds the mood i had to follow through disappears. I can’t really identify my moods because they’re all so weird, and if i try to figure it out, it changes. It’s like i can’t control my mind. There’s not one single thing I know about myself that’s permanent. I don’t even feel I love my parents, because it’s more just like my mind wasn’t made for that to happen – my mind was made instead to constantly evaluate and re-evaluate things, contemplate, make up ideas and future plans, and worries over the most nonsensical things (see below). On that note, I haven’t been through trauma at all, my parents are very loving, as are my friends and extended family. But my attitude towards them consistently changes (assuming I think about them, and the reasons to change attitude are usually random ones that suddenly just seem relevant in the moment). The same applies to everything – I have no fixed opinion or view on anything at all.

That’s another thing – when I say anything, I mean ANYTHING. I constantly get confused about whether this is reality or not, or whether I truly exist, or whether I’m suicidal, anything like that. There are some running themes to the thoughts that come through my head (fear that I’m a sociopath/psychopath/other mental disorders is a big thing right now, as is existentialism), but solving or logicking the thoughts out does not help whatsoever. It’s more just the “feeling” of being a sociopath or whatever else that I have (and only comes up after I read about sociopaths, like I almost absorb their traits as I read and delude myself into having them temporarily). My feelings dominate me, but they’re not “normal” and are usually self-centred. No “normal” method of controlling my mind works (not meditation). Even the way I view this problem constantly changes! I’ll be worrying/wondering whether you understood my issue right. Even I don’t understand, and I don’t think I have the capability to with this mind. I tend to ramble a lot too, because I keep thinking of more and more THINGS, with no relevance to life. My mind just churns on and on, and if whatever it creates matches up with what the outside world needs, then thank god, I’m safe for a bit. Now I’m 16, I can’t keep relying on luck.

Any idea on what this could be, and how to fix it? I think I was born like this, as I was like this in my earliest memories. If I can’t fix it, then I can’t bear another ~60 years like this.
Thanks!

The most concerning aspect of your letter is your mention of suicide. Suicidal thoughts are always an indication of significant distress. Clearly, you are suffering. Happy and contented people do not think about ending their lives.

I have two recommendations. The first is to start a journal. It will assist you in keeping track of your moods. It allows you to document your feelings over time, which might show a pattern. It’s good to have a written record of your thoughts.

Writing also is a good way to process difficult emotions. Many people find it clarifying and cathartic.

My second recommendation is to ask your parents for their assistance in seeking professional help. Therapy is the ideal place to deal with these issues. Therapists treat these types of problems. You will learn how to manage strong emotions and prevent rumination. Other helpful skills you can learn in therapy, include the development of important life coping skills. They will serve you now and in the future. I hope that you will consider my advice. If you feel that you might harm yourself or anyone else, call emergency services. They can protect you and ensure that you get the proper treatment. Thanks for writing. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Think I Am Bipolar, Do I Need Therapy?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW October 14th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My friend committed suicide two years ago. Four months later my grandpa died. For some reason the awful feeling never went away. Every day I have the feeling of grief as if it happened yesterday. It’s not that I’m still mourning, but it has affected me physically and emotionally. I have no appetite, I hardly sleep, I never want to go out, and I am exhausted all the time. My parents think I’m always in a mood but it’s physically hard for me to have a conversation. I’ve lost friends and my motivation in school is gone. I have fantasies of what my funeral would be like and who would come. When I think of my future all I can think is what’s the point? I pray that I will get hit by a car or some other random accident will happen because I don’t want to have to do it.

The bad times last the longest, but sometimes for a few days at a time the lack of sleep doesn’t bother me. I feel so motivated that I will make plans that I know I’ll never have the energy to actually follow through with. Last month I spent over $200 in clothes in one day when I usually am good about saving. I even surprised the whole family by bringing home ice cream once, when I usually stay in my room all day. I make plans with people I haven’t spoken to in weeks. When I get in these moods I feel like I could talk a mile a minute. But they only last a few days before I’m back to having no energy.

I cut myself for the first time tonight. They hardly bled but I actually liked it. It distracted me and was also comforting. I know all these thoughts and self harm are bad but I don’t have control when I’m feeling this way. I’m not close to anyone anymore. Not my friends or anyone in my family so I don’t know who to go to. I’ve been dealing with this for two years and thought I could handle it but it’s only getting worse. What should I do?

Some of your symptoms may be indicative of bipolar disorder, but only an in-person evaluation could determine if a disorder is present.

Your reaction to the loss of two people with whom you were close may be normal but it might also indicate depression. Dr. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, a world-famous expert in the field of death and dying, noted that there are at least five stages of grief that one goes through after a loss. Depression is one of those stages and sometimes people get stuck in a particular stage. Perhaps that has happened to you.

There are several things you can do. First, consider a bereavement support group. There may be some in your community.

Secondly, consider individual counseling. Choose a therapist who specializes in death and dying oriented counseling.

Third, you may want to read self-help books about grieving. There are many good books that might interest you.

Finally, you may also consider reading about near-death experiences or life after death. Dr. Kubler-Ross has written about both of these topics, among others including Raymond Moody and Brian Weiss.

It may sound counterintuitive, but many people gain great comfort in studying death and hearing stories from people who have claim to have died. People who have had near-death experiences, for instance, are profoundly moved by their experiences. In fact, it’s common among near-death experiencers, and the people who read about near-death experiences, to no longer fear death. These topics might be worth exploring. Most importantly, seek the help of a counselor and get their advice. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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I Feel Like I’m a Terrible Person

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker September 11th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From the U.S.: I’ve always been known as the girl who’s selfless, caring, and sweet. So, I meet a girl four years ago. She awakens my sexuality. I think I love said girl and I’m really happy with said girl. Said girl introduces me to many friends and we all form this strong bond. A friendship we all deeply loved, trusted, and admired. I’ll call this said girl B. Now, one night when B isn’t around I’m hanging out with other friends (and this is about 3 years ago) and this girl, I’l call her Q, kisses me and it’s /wonderful/. I loved it. Q ends up coming over to my home and she has sex with me. She tells me, ‘What if we were together?’ and I get so happy. I stop ties with B. But then…Q decides that she wants someone else and I immediatly run back to B. I do this for years to B. I tug her along, tell her false promises, and when she doesnt want to deal with my crap I go to Q

I switch between them like a leech and the friendships of all these people slowly fall apart because of me and the drama I cause. Because I’m so afraid to be alone and now Q and B are gone. And one of those other friends from the broken group tells me, ‘I’m a horrible, selfish, manipulative person.’These friends are all meeting up in less than two weeks and I’m invited. I’m mortified because when I see these people not ‘wanting’ me I get such a sick and hurt feeling in my stomach I really feel like I could kill myself and I’ve attempted in the past when they didn’t before. What do I do?

This all started when you were only 13! You are right that you have been discovering your sexuality. The problem isn’t that you’ve been attracted to two people. It’s normal to try out different relationships during the teen years. In fact, it’s an important part of figuring out who you eventually want to be with. (It used to be called “dating”.) The problem is that you haven’t been honest with the other girls or, especially, with yourself. With each switch, you acted as if you were making a commitment. No one is ready to do that in the early teen years. You and the others are no exception.

You haven’t been alone in the drama. It’s not all your fault. The other girls are participating in the on-again, off-again nature of the relationships. They too are discovering their sexuality. They too aren’t ready to settle into an exclusive relationship, however much they think want one. The result of your collective confusion, experimentation and intensity is the emotional roller coaster you describe. No wonder the group is breaking apart.

I think you should give yourself a break from sexual relationships for a while. The neediness you bring to relationships guarantees that they will fall apart. You need to make friends with yourself so you can enjoy time when you are alone.

Develop your interests. Take your schooling seriously. Set some worthwhile goals and work toward them. Then work on developing some solid friendships. Spend time having just plain (non-sexual) fun with people. There is no reason to get so intensely involved at your age.

If you can’t do this on your own, I do suggest you see a therapist. It may take more than personal resolve to get out of the pattern of trying to fill whatever hole you have inside with intense and probably inappropriate relationships.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Normal or Not?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker August 30th, 2022
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have thought maybe I would classify under ultradian/rapid cycle bipolar because my father, grandmother and great-grandfather suffered from bpd and my moods change over the course of hours to a couple of days at most. However I don’t really suffer through “manic” episodes, it changes between “depressed” and “normal”. My “depressed” moments go from being exhausted for no reason, just being.. “done”, being upset that my life will never be as happy as when I was younger, and thinking that the future is pointless because I’ll be in school for 5 years, work through my whole life, then die. But sometimes I seem to “get over” these phases for a couple of hours/days in which I consider my mood to be “normal” and then it repeats. I have not seriously considered suicide, but recently I don’t even want to risk putting myself in a tempting situation.. Would rapidly switching between “normal” and this kind of “depression” be a certain illness?

I am also slightly sceptical though because my mother has always been worried I will inherit the bpd gene so anytime when I was just sad as a younger teen she was worried that I was going through a depression phase. I am wondering if I’m just convincing myself that there’s something wrong with me, when there’s nothing (even though I would NEVER wish for myself or anyone else to experience mental illness)? I don’t know what to do because I feel like even if I go to the Dr, I can answer the questions the “right way” and it may not be accurate. For example, if I am convincing myself I have an illness I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “confirm” it, or if I’m convincing myself it’s all in my head I’ll answer the questions in a way that will “deny” any illness.. I’m confusing myself and I don’t know whether these thoughts would contribute to my “symptoms” or not….. I don’t really know what I’m doing or what I’m looking for from you guys…. I just don’t know.

I’m sorry for my weird thought process, if it doesn’t make sense to me I can’t assume it would make sense to you, but thank you for your time either way. All the best.

There is no need to apologize for yourself. You are asking very, very good questions.

First, there are two types of bipolar disorder. Cycling between depression and “normal” is Bipolar II. People who have also had at least one episode of mania are diagnosed with bipolar I. So, if you have bipolar at all, it’s likely that it’s bpII.

However, you ask another really good question: Is it at all likely that you have been made so hypersensitive to the possibility that you have bipolar that you are mistaking normal adolescent hormonal changes and emotional growth for a disorder? I can’t answer that question on the basis of a letter. What I can do is suggest that you make an appointment with a mental health professional and take your letter with you to the first session. Your letter describes the situation very well. Asking the counselor to read it first thing will help her understand your confusion. The counselor will then be able to ask you questions that will help determine what’s going on.

I do think that settling the question will be helpful to you. You don’t want to be constantly second-guessing yourself or worrying about yourself every time you have a sad feeling. On the other hand, if you do have bipolar II, you may want to consider some treatment so that you can manage it effectively. It doesn’t have to dominate your life.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Assisted Suicide at Age 9

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 24th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hey, so I recently admitted to my partner that I helped my friend with assisted suicide when I was 9 years old. For 11 years I didn’t tell anyone, not even my parents. No one knew what happened except me. I’m just trying to figure out if It was the right thing to do. I need help learning if I am evil for what I did or not. He was sexually abused by his father at a very young age, in very poor housing with no mother, Schizophrenic, and smiling when I helped him. After all these years of brooding and holding in the secret I’ve become jaded and unknowing of what’s moral and immoral anymore. I know I have PTSD from it because of all the hallucinations and nightmares. Can you help me determine if what I did was the right thing to do? I killed someone when I was 9 years old, how to I learn morality again?

There is a grand difference between the morality of a child and the morality of an adult. As a longtime teacher of human growth and development, I am very familiar with every widely accepted theory of morality. All of them, show the morality of the child to be quite inferior to the eventual morality of that same child, when fully mature as an adult. Every court system, in every free country in the world, realizes this and punishes children to a far lesser extent than an adult. The punishments for children are not only quantitatively different but qualitatively different.

If you were to research theories of morality, you would quickly realize that all theories conclude that children are not born with morality but need to be taught morality by parents, the church, society, etc. Let me give you a for instance. Probably the meanest things that were ever said to you, were said to you when you were a child and were said by other children. Children can be vicious. Ask anyone who has been bullied.

A study of theories of morality, will help you to understand the incapacity of a child to understand the impact of their actions. Can a nine-year-old sign a legally binding contract? No, because society recognizes a child is incapable of understanding that contract and the full ramifications that come from signing a contract.

As a nine-year-old, you were incapable of understanding the impact of your actions. A nine-year-old has a very poor and obviously incomplete understanding of death. As a nine-year-old, did you believe that you were helping your friend or killing your friend? Were you angry at him and desperately wanted to hurt him? From what you’ve written, it appears that you were trying to help him and thought that you were actually helping him. Did you know the meaning of death? Did you understand what was actually occurring or was it much simpler to you; a friend whom you liked asked for your help and you thought helping him was the right thing to do?

Read more about the morality of children. By all means, get therapeutic help. You need a professional who has already studied and well understands childhood morality. Perhaps the most important thing that you should understand is that there were two people involved in your friend’s suicide and that they are both victims. Yes, you are a surviving victim of that event. Good luck, my friend.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Depressed & Confused About What Is Real

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW August 3rd, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I don’t know how can I explain everything, I’ll try to be as clear as possible. I am diagnosed as bipolar. I am medicated and I tend to be like accelerated most of the time. I don’t think I get depressed as much as before, but is very deep and out of sudden. For example, yesterday I was fine in the morning, it was a good day (normal), when I got home to have lunch, I felt so empty, like my essence was drained, I stayed in bed all afternoon, couldn’t eat, speak, anything, not even drinking water, I just stared the ceiling in silence, and sometimes I cried, no real reason.

I wrote to my psychiatrist and she suggested me to go to the hospital, I didn’t. I won’t be hospitalized again, I mean, I have no money now, and if I do it my family would be so mad and then they don’t talk to me, and everything gets harder. So, today I just breathe and left the bed. I can’t talk, eat, or drink water yet. I am following my routine, but with sadness and feeling my lips sealed. I don’t think in suicide, not like I wan’t to die, ’cause I don’t, but I walk in the street and feel so much pain, and then I think if I shoot my head (or something there are many ideas) this pain will end, and never return. And then I try to think something else, my plans, something happy, but I can’t feel it, I just feel and see pain and confusion.

And then I think, that my psych says I am bipolar, but there are voices, I usually have voices, just I have learned how to live with them, like not answer to them in public, and mostly they are nice to me, and give me peace, but then they say I am not human, all this sh.. is because I’m not human, and I am like enlightened and I have to do stuff, to save other dimensions and help nature, and they are stuff that si nice, but now they talked to me again and put images on my head, of myself destroying cars, and streets. I said I could’t do it alone, and they say they’ll do their part, dunno, a lot of stuff. And is easy when you have images in your head about stuff is gonna happen, but you don’t have to do anything. ‘Cause then I just have to wait and see, but now I have to act. And when they are talking, when God talks to me, I don’t doubt, just know have to wait for the signal.

And later, I’m not sure what to believe, I don’t know if I am meant to help clean the world and do what God says, if I am enlightened and like a “special being,” with super perception and can talks to the universe. Or I am sick, I don’t feel sick, but I have read enough to know sometimes bipolars does’t feel they are sick. I never feel sick, I’m not sure I am sick, and i was diagnosed long time ago. like 10 years i believe. And is hard ’cause mi mom thinks I’m like a seer or a witch, and my med thinks I am sick, and my dad thinks I need to go to AA, ’cause is just my emotions in disorder, but I usually don’t have many emotions. And I never know what to believe, and I’m old enough to know, but I don’t.

Sometimes I think I should talk to someone, but I can’t, I can write it, I write to my psychiatrist but don’t see her cause she is out of the country for a year or so. And sometimes I used to talk to her, but nobody else. I really don’t trust in people I know, so I don’t talk about myself, or give my opinion, I mean I know I love my family, so I have a good relationship with them, but I don’t trust them. And is worse with people I don’t know, I can’t even say hi to them, i move my hand or smile, but it takes months of seeing a person, every day to say hi. So I don’t know how can I help myself if I can’t talk. And my head is getting so confusing I don’t know what to do.

I’m sorry for bothering, and I hope it wasn’t very confusing what I write, sorry again but I don’t feel very clear. I would really appreciate some advice, right now i am a little desperate.

Thank you very much for you time.

I am sorry that this is happening to you. It is very difficult to feel as though you have no one to trust, to confide in or to assist you with these issues. You mentioned that you have a psychiatrist but she’s out of the country. Being so far away, it would be very difficult for her to effectively help you.

At this point, your symptoms are unstable. You are hearing voices and are having difficulty distinguishing reality from non-reality. The voices are giving you messages, essentially commanding you to behave in a particular way. It is abnormal to believe that you are receiving such messages and commands. Those are signs of psychological instability.

As difficult as it may be, I would strongly advise you to see a mental health professional. I’m not familiar with the mental health system in Mexico so I cannot provide specific recommendations for how to access help. Generally, you should contact a mental health professional. Report your symptoms to the mental health professional. Even if the prospect of meeting with a mental health professional frightens you, do it anyway. Your feelings of fear may be very real but you can override that fear with action.

At this time, your judgment may be impaired. For that reason, you should not ignore your symptoms and assume that you are okay. Your symptoms may fluctuate in severity from day to day but generally they are not likely to improve on their own. Your symptoms require treatment which may include medication or psychotherapy. I hope that you are able to acquire the proper assistance. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Considering Suicide

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW June 9th, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I feel like I am close to possibly killing myself, and I don’t know what to do. I have these disturbing thoughts that had followed me into each night, and now they persist into my waking hours(they are thoughts of my throwing myself down a long flight of stairs, or throwing myself off of a tall building), there are thoughts of hopelessness and despair each and every day.

I am in love with a woman who only thinks of me as a friend, it seems that every woman now only thinks of me ‘as a friend’, I am unemployed with no prospects(but plenty of skills), I have few friends(but plenty of acquaintances), I live in my parents basement(which further destroys my self-esteem). I have not had a genuine sexual encounter with a woman in years.

I am disabled, though no longer seriously. Yet when I was more seriously disabled I had a lot of friends(women didn’t only think of me as a friend), I was working, and I had a descent sex life. I am now growing more and more cynical and untrusting of people(especially single women). I don’t want to be a cynical person, I want to trust people…..but if conditions persist, I fear that my self-loathing will grow.

It seems as if there is little hope for me now, if now that I am more physically capable women treat me as if I am not worthy of being loved, if now that I a more mobile I am not treated as if I am capable of working.

I am currently seeing a therapist, but I am worried that if I tell her about these dire thoughts she may be forced to have me locked up.

I fear for my life.

You are experiencing a difficult time. Virtually everyone can relate to having a similar period in their life. Problems are a part of life. They are inevitable. It is the nature of life. Bad times hit everyone, some not as bad as those you are going through and some much worse.

Life might be difficult now but it would be a mistake to believe that it will always be that way. Your life can improve.

When someone says they are considering suicide, I often refer them back to the stories of individuals who have attempted suicide but who had survived. Survivors of suicide attempts are a unique group. Their stories are both sad and inspirational. They experienced the depths of depression, decided that their lives were not worth living, attempted to end their lives but then recovered from that experience with a powerful and hopeful message: life is worth living.

Conventional wisdom might suggest that these individuals, who failed at their suicide attempt, would simply try again but they did not. Why? Because they realized that their lives can improve and even a troubled life is worth living.

Survivors were thankful that they had failed to kill themselves. Some felt so strongly about their experience that they then dedicated their lives to suicide prevention. They did not want others to make the same mistake that they had.

I would strongly urge you to speak to your therapist about your suicidal thoughts. Generally speaking, an individual cannot be hospitalized against their will unless they are posing an imminent threat to themselves or to others. The operative word is imminent. In addition, an individual has to have a specific plan for suicide or homicide, and the means to carry out their plan for them to be involuntarily hospitalized.

You are in therapy. You need to honest with your therapist so that they can do the job that they were trained for: to help you. They are there for exactly that reason, to help you in every possible way. You have chosen them so that they could help you, now trust them to do their job. Tell your therapist exactly what you are thinking, hold nothing back.

If you feel that you cannot keep yourself safe, then go to the hospital immediately. Call 911 if necessary.

You have access to a therapist. Utilize that help to develop better problem solving skills. Learning those skills will not make you immune to life problems but they can significantly improve your ability to solve those problems. Please take care and be fully open with your therapist.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Mom Won’t Believe Me When I Say I’m Suicidal

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP June 3rd, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Having a hard time with family. Mom won’t believe me when I say I’m suicidal. She thinks I want attention, but I don’t.

I have several thoughts/plans about killing myself. I tried talking to my parents about it but they just yelled at me and called me attention-seeking and said that I’m doing it to be dramatic and to be manipulative which is far from the truth. every time I try to open up to my parents they just yell at me and say it’s for attention. I recently tried to kill myself but it didn’t work. I’m in therapy and I just started being honest about how I’m really feeling with my therapist she thinks I should try and talk to my mom again and if that doesn’t help then have my mom call my therapist and she will tell my mom exactly what I said in our session. she also said that because mt thoughts of suicide are more severe she wants to see me twice a week plus group therapy which made my mom even madder. I’m taking an antidepressant 50mg of Zoloft once a day. I’ve been taking it for 2 months and still don’t feel any better. I suffer from Moderately Severe Depression and Anxiety, PTSD, BPD, self-harm, and suicidal thoughts. does anyone have any idea on how I can try and get my mom to understand more about what’s going on without her yelling at me and calling this attention-seeking and stuff like that? I already tried writing her a note but she got mad and ripped it up then came and yelled at me about it. I feel so hopeless like she will never understand and like I will always feel alone.

I am sorry you are having to cope with such difficult thoughts. I admire and deeply respect your persistence in seeking treatment and some relief. You have a great deal of courage, determination and perspective to keep finding ways to cope and people to support you.

You’ve done the right thing by being honest with your therapist about how you are feeling. Right now your therapist is the person who is doing what he or she can to help you. Keep talking honestly to them and let them keep working with you to find a better way of getting your mom on board.

Because I don’t know you personally or the dynamics of the situation the best I can do is offer how I would think about the situation. But please remember your therapist needs to be the person to help guide this and my thoughts are not meant as anything other than another perspective. There could be many reasons why this perspective isn’t healthy, possible, or timely. That being said I will offer some thoughts that reflect what you’ve said — and more importantly what you haven’t said.

You mention that you’ve tried talking to your parents, but then focus on your mom, and there is nothing about where your dad is in this situation. You mention that they think you are doing it for attention, but the focus comes back to mom. The first thing I would think of is to get your mom and dad in the same room with the therapist. There can be many reasons why this may not be possible or viable and you’ll have to follow your therapist’s guidance on this, but it sounds like the therapist may need to articulate your situation more directly to mom and dad while you are there.

Again, there may be many reasons why this hasn’t happened that can be very legitimate, but if both of your parents are dismissing your suicidal thoughts and plans as attention-seeking rather than an important emotional issue it seems like educating them on what is happening may be necessary. Programs and therapists dealing with adolescent thoughts and plans of suicide are typically very familiar with needing to talk to the parents. There is very good research described here that speaks to this issue. There are also more general guidelines discussed here about this.

Finally, please know that there are other resources for you such as those found here and guidelines for parents here and a 24/7 hotline if you ever need it here.

The key here is to remember there is ALWAYS another solution, even if you can’t see it right now. Let your therapist help you in dealing with your parents and getting them to understand what they can do to help, while also helping you to find ways to continue to help yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Seeking Advice for My Mother’s Depression

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP May 25th, 2022
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello,

I’m a 41 year old man and my mother has a serious depression. It has been going on for many years. I’m a university professor, not married and my mom lives with me. She’s a recent immigrant to the US; I immigrated to the US earlier than her and we lived apart for about 9 years. In that time, she spent living back in the home country alone, her depression took a real turn to the worse. Just to clarify: she has been divorced for many decades now and I have no siblings so she was there alone most of the time.

Unfortunately, when she came here, her depression didn’t really become much better, if it all. Before coming here she’s always been financially independent. My mom is financially dependent on me now and I think that this contributes greatly to her depression. She’s extremely irritable, unstable, suffers from insomnia and other problems. Every time I travel professionally she gets so terrified that something may happen to me that I’m seriously thinking about eliminating my travel completely. It is probably not very good for me professionally; however, I feel so guilty by now that I think I will reduce it to bare minimum, if at all. She always tells me that if something happens to me, she cannot survive without me in this country and she’s done in in that case. Just imagine how I feel hearing that…tears are going down my face. She has been taking an antidepressant for many years but I don’t think it is very effective at this point. I don’t know what to do…I doubt I can convince her to visit a psychiatrist here at the US (she did it on her own back in the home country). Often, I feel that my life and hers are stuck in a terrible rut. I would appreciate any advice on what to do in this situation.

Thank you for your letter. Your mom’s isolation and dependence on you is something that you will want to start managing by creating social supports for her.

If you attend to your mother’s dependence by limiting your life you will eventually simply be in orbit around her and lose yourself. I recommend finding a physician and begin with a complete physical. The physician can then make recommendations about monitoring her medicine, changing it, or making other recommendations about her physical condition that might be contributing to her depression. It will also be important to help create a social network for her. You may want to talk to your colleagues at the university counseling center to see what resources they may have for geriatric services. Your job is to help create a support network for your mom — not to be the network. The professionals at your university are likely to have contacts in the community who can help.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Is Suicide the Answer?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW May 3rd, 2022
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi. I’ve been suicidal for the past couple of months, but it’s recently become a more realistic issue. Before, I had suicidal thoughts and ideations, but only thought seriously about them on occasion, whereas now, it seems to be the only way to end everything. I find i spend the majority of the day thinking up ways to kill myself, and am waiting for the right moment (ie. when family would be less hurt.). I have many different plans — they’re sort of separated into 2 columns. One column: what i deserve. Second column: What’s more likely to be successful. Thing is, my mood goes up and down — sort of like Bipolar, but the majority of the time, I’m depressed. when i’m in an “up” mood, (which is more like unbelievable anger rather than elation, with the occasional happy high,) I hate myself for even thinking it, and punish myself for being so selfish — not thinking about what it’d do to my family, but when I’m in a depressed mood, It seems to be the only way out, and the thought is a sort of stimulant. I think to myself “It’s okay, Not long left in this life.”

Part of me says “don’t say a word to anyone, kill myself and get it over with, do it!” And this IS what i want; I DO want to die, without a doubt. But guilt takes over and stops me from doing it. Thing is, i’m feeling closer and closer to the edge as every day goes by, and I’m beginning to realise that i’m completely out of control of my emotions and actions. I guess i sort of act on impulse in that area of issue. I know that it won’t be long before I will go through with it, and ignore the guilt pangs. In a way, this is a relieving thought, as I’m desperate for the day I end my life, but I also worry about how my family will feel when I do it. I love them unconditionally and want to hurt them as little as possible.

I know your first reaction may be: “consider hospitalization” But that’s not the way to go. I am NOT going into a psych ward. That’s sure to make me worse?! And I don’t want to be stopped either.. I don’t REALLY know what i want. Everything I want is wrong in one way or another, so I’ve given up “wanting” I guess. I’ve been dx’ed with depression and anxiety, but there are many, many other issues, including the following; derealization symptoms, possible Bipolar symptoms?(Not 100% sure about that one), SI, Low self-esteem, mild paranoia and a few other things i’m not keen on going into. I have been sexually abused in the past (Not by parents), and have had many other experiences that, again, I don’t want to go into. I do have a therapist but he’s not very helpful. I don’t like talking to him about things anymore, and I end up feeling extremely angry at him, as he doesn’t seem to understand. I’m a complete state and I guess I’m just looking for a “magic answer”. I know I’m hoping for more than is possible, but I don’t know anymore. I don’t know WHAT advice I’m asking for myself really.. I guess it’s just a sort of cry for help. Help in any form. Please?

Life is so precious. It truly is. But I know this is difficult to see when you are depressed. Day-to-day life is so much more difficult for someone who is feeling so sad and hopeless. I am sorry that you have gotten to the point where you think suicide is the only answer. I know this is not a “magic answer” (and thanks for not expecting one) but it is my advice based on what you have written.

I remember working with someone, who like you is also 13, regarding this very issue. Her name is Jen. Jen began therapy feeling much like you, suicidal, depressed and hopeless. She thought constantly about ending her life. She said that she hated herself, so much so that she would spend entire days locked in her room cutting herself as a way to punish herself for being such a “horrible person.”

When she began therapy she was so sad. She saw her life as basically over. She envisioned no real future for herself. She very often spoke of suicide but like you could not bear the thought of what this act would do to her family. She realized it would destroy her family and this realization was, according to her, the only reason that stopped her from actually ending her life.

After working with her for some time, Jen came to realize just how wrong she was about herself and her future possibilities. She had mistakenly judged her life, her abilities, her future and her potential to be happy. She misjudged reality. She thought she would never stop being depressed. With intense therapy, she eventually grew to love herself and see herself in a new light, as someone who has the potential to succeed and be happy. In therapy, she learned new ways to deal with her emotions. She learned how to overcome the constant self defeating and negative thinking she had regarding herself. She was able to overcome the struggle with depression and this is a battle she did not think she would ever win. She has said many times that she shudders to think that she almost ended her life. The thought terrifies her. She is now getting ready to attend college, and she spends her days painting, writing, and hanging out with friends, attending a depression support group, instead of sitting in her room, alone, crying planning her own demise.

I tell you this story to show you that there is so much hope for you and others in your situation. There are people who have been in a very similar situation and they have managed with help to alter their life course for the better. Suicide is not the answer. Getting help is the answer. Jen emphatically believed that suicide was the only answer for her at one time. It was all that she thought about but she was so clearly wrong. She could not have been more wrong, she says. She had misjudged her situation, her emotions, and her future and now lives a much happier life. She still has days where she gets down, but these are the normal fluctuations in mood that everyone typically experiences.

What if, like Jen was, you are wrong about your situation? My sense is that you are misjudging your situation and mistakenly believing that you have no alternatives at this time. If Jen could talk with you personally, she would beg and plead with you to re-evaluate your situation and get some help. She says getting help saved her life. I strongly suggest that you talk to your parents, see a school counselor, or consider going to someone in your church and asking them where you can get help. If you are feeling suicidal, I do also strongly suggest that you go to the hospital (I know you do not want to do this). Do consider getting help immediately either from your parents, a trustworthy person or from the hospital. Please take care and thank you for writing. Lastly, please consider writing again to let me know how you are doing.

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