Temper Tantrums Archives

I’m literally afraid to break up with my boyfriend.
He is extremely violent and bitter to people who get on his bad side. He is malicious, spiteful, and extremely aggressive. He has gotten in trouble for physically attacking his exes, one time he was even hospitalized in a mental institution for several months.

He got out, and dated another girl. When she broke up with him, he followed her, sent her terrible and nasty IMs, emails, and text-messages. He dragged out their breakup for nearly a year.

I have been with him for a year and a half. At first, I thought these people were just overreacting and mean-spirited. He CAN be quite charming.
However, he also lies, is extremely possessive, and has tried to isolate me, especially from female friends (he hates women, and talks often about how much he wants to hurt them, and how) and is extremely threatened by other men. He frequently starts fights with younger high school kids, and enjoys pushing people around.

He has no job, and does not go to school.

He frequently has temper tantrums and outbursts, he has destroyed my property, and his family’s. By the time I realized what I had gotten myself into, I felt stuck. I am very close with his family, especially his mother and little sister. He knows this, and uses it to his advantage. If he and I are in a fight, and I say I will leave to go for a walk to cool off, he has punched holes in his mother’s walls, ripped off cabinet doors, kicked laundry hampers full of clothes into the fireplace, overturned furniture, physically hit, kicked, or pulled his sister’s hair.

Miraculously, I have never been hit by him, although he has grabbed me, and locked me in a room. He is almost 18.

I’m afraid to break up with him, because I fear he won’t LET us break up. I’m afraid I will be plagued with angry emails, “hang-up” phone calls, stalking, and harassment. I am even more afraid of what he will do to his family out of his anger, especially his little sister, who is 2 years younger and about 100lbs lighter than he is. Again, he knows I am afraid for them, and will take advantage of it. I’d have to cut off contact with his family, but I really don’t want too! I love them!

Originally, I just planned on breaking up when I went off to college, so I could get as far away as possible. He’d have no way of following me if I was in another state. Recently however, I have been considering a different school. I really like the academics, it’s a great school. It’s also about a 5-10 minute drive away from his house.

What should I do? Should I forget that school and settle for a different one out of state? Should I just “fake it” and keep dating him for another few years until I can graduate from my school of choice and move out of state? Is there any possible way he will grow up and change? I wish he’d be how he used to be when we first met. But now, I’m totally miserable. What should I do?

I am glad you are writing to us about your situation. Your boyfriend has a clear pattern of intimidating and bullying behavior that will require you to get some support. Unfortunately there are too many instances of this type of intimidation, but there are several resources now available for coping with individuals like your soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend.

There are several features here that I want to address, but the most important thing I want to convey is that you need to gather support for yourself and deal with this directly. Avoiding him by moving away will not make you feel safe or peaceful, and does not guarantee he won’t follow you.

First, I want you to know that you are not alone. Here are some resources on bullying in schools,and recent legislation ,which now extends the definition of bullying to “cyber-bullying” that includes IMs, texting, emails, Facebook, Myspace, etc. There are also state and federal laws you should know about.

Any relationship that is based on intimidation and manipulation through anger isn’t a relationship: It is a hostage situation. Both your college campus (and his high school) will have specific resources to help you cope with this. I would make an appointment with a counselor at your college and let him or her know of your concerns. They will be able to guide you through the emotional, and perhaps legal protection you may need. The other local resource available to you is the local women’s center. They can also provide counseling, legal advice, and if need be, shelter. You can find a local chapter through this organization.

You were most likely drawn to your boyfriend’s potential, not his reality. Often when someone has felt victimized thy are afraid of having their own power because they feel it makes them like the person who controlled them. But what you are seeking is self-empowerment, not abusive or controlling. It is part of self-care which is essential for emotional growth.

Knowing when to leave an unhealthy relationship is important because it sets a boundary and allows you to become more whole. I rarely give direct advice unless it appears that someone’s safety, or the safety of others, is in jeopardy. You say it is a miracle that he hasn’t hit you –yet. His history indicates that it is only a matter of time. He has grabbed you and locked you in a room. What’s next? Everything you have said about him, including the fact that he is charming, is likely to be part of a larger pattern of antisocial or misogynistic behavior. Your fear is enough to make the decision. Protect yourself emotionally and legally. Don’t wait until it escalates. Get out now.

Once the crisis passes you may want to continue in counseling to understand a bit more about why you were drawn to him in the first place. This should help as you move on.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

From a young age I always felt a little blue and alone, despite being from a large family. I had temper tantrums, wet the bed until I was nearly ten years old, sucked my thumb, and had other adjustment issues, etc etc

I tend to enjoy jobs where I can work alone, have complete control and work obsessively.

I left my hometown to “get away” at 28 yrs old. I have not been back although a few family members have visited.

Two years ago my younger brother died from Multiple Sclerosis. I have missed two weddings and all my nieces and nephews births.

12 months ago I discovered a elderly close friend after he committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. I now feel overwhelmed and although sometimes days or a week goes by “normally”… out of the blue I feel panic/anxiety. I don’t sleep, and end up listen to audiobooks all night instead. I have chronic sinus issues that bother me daily. I used to be the “go to” person for fixing all kinds of problems now I just feel overwhelmed by them all. I feel like everyday there is a crisis like I am on the cliff edge and barely hanging on.

This morning I woke up feeling a little groggy, did not get to sleep until after 2am. But I got up at 7, walked the dogs but when I got back home I could feel an anger burning and then crying for “no apparent reason”. What is happening to me?

I am so very sorry for the loss of your brother and your friend. What is happening to you is a perfectly normal response to the fact that difficult events have piled up to the point that they overwhelm your ability to cope. From a very young age, feeling in control and counting on yourself are ways you have kept yourself feeling safe. I imagine that the two deaths you’ve experienced – losing your brother by Multiple Sclerosis and your close friend by suicide – have challenged that sense of control and therefore safety. On top of that, you have an infection. This will also lower a person’s ability to manage stress.

A healthy way to get back in control is to take the steps necessary to help yourself. You need to deal with both your medical and mental health. See a doctor and get that sinus infection cleared up. If you can also give yourself a way to grieve and to honor the losses of the last couple of years, you may be able to pull yourself out of this on your own. Since you’ve isolated yourself from family, I hope you have a few friends to turn to. Friends shore us up from the outside when we haven’t got enough strength to do it from the inside. If you don’t have a support system, please consider seeing a counselor to help you with the grieving process.

Psychology Today’s website suggests, “If you’ve got too much change (or just too much, period) going on in your life, here are some tips to get yourself and your life back, ASAP:”

“1) Get the best sleep you can
2) Meditate or pray in the morning
3) Make yourself eat, no matter how crazy things are
4) Load up on greens the easy way
5) Get through one day at a time
6) Make no your default answer
7) Take sanity breaks
8) Give yourself a Sabbath day every week”

Your go-to self hasn’t totally abandoned you. That part of you is still functioning enough to write and ask for help. Now please reach deep inside and work with that core of strength to get yourself the help you need to get your life back on track.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Temper Tantrums

Bully boyfriend? Get out now.

Crying for no apparent reason