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Relationship Way out of Balance

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker April 12th, 2021

Since more than a year I am in a long distance relationship with a man who I is controlling and emotionally abusive. I started to realize this only recently but since the beginning I found myself feeling more and more stressed and afraid to do something wrong and I start to feel less and less confident about myself. He is criticing me constantly and I have to be extremely careful with what I say or else he will stop talking to me (or hang up the phone) or get angry. Often I don’t even know what sets him off and I never find out because he refuses to speak to me. Now I do a lot of effort to go and vizit him which costs me a lot of money and time (a full day of traveling). Recently he had to be near where I live for his job (30 minutes away from me by train) and he did NOT want to come to me and stay over at my place. Instead he staid in a hotel soooo near and he also did not want me to go vizit him. We were sending text messages back and forward about this, but he never could tell me why he did not want to come or let me go to him. At one point in time he even asked me to give him permission to just go out that evening and so not see me. I couldn’t believe he would ask me for persission like I would be his nanny or guard or something, I just wanted him to come to me and wanting to be with me too. He even broke up with me over text message then, but the next day he said he didn’t mean it and so we are still together. Now my problem is that I just can’t seem to forget it. You must understand that we are normally so far away and that we have to travel far in order to see each other. I also realize it is me who’s doing most efforts to go and vizit him rather than the other way around, but i don’t think it’s that he doesn’t care about me, he seems to really want us to stay together and is even thinking about moving to my country for me, but then how can I make sense of it? I can’t seem to be able to get over this without understanding it, but I don’t know how I can talk with him about it, because I know we will either have a huge conflict about it or he will just go silent on me again and then I will still not know why he did this. Is there any way I could get over this and should or should I not try to discuss it with him and if so how can I bring it up in a way that might not trigger his anger or silent mood? This is very important to me because I keep thinking about what this could mean and how it is possible he did this if he loves me. I just wish I could understand so I can find closure on it.

Please ask yourself: Is this really better than being alone for awhile? You’re in your 30s. You are a mature, interesting, and sensitive woman. There are men out there who would be thrilled to have you in their life and who would move the moon and the stars to be with you. Why do you want to even try with a man who can’t make the effort to come by when he is 30 minutes away? More alarming to me is that he creates a big drama when you try to talk to him about things he does that are less than wonderful. Don’t believe his words. His actions have told you quite clearly what you need to know.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

April 12, 2021 0 comment

Trust Issues Are Ruining Relationship

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker March 13th, 2021

written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have struggled with trust issues my whole life. It has lead me to be emotionally unfaithful, I question everything, and invade his privacy when he has given me no reason to believe he would stray. When I was caught with a profile on a dating site I had resolved to never lie again. I have yet to be unfaithful again, but I hold so many insecurities that I can’t believe he wouldn’t want to be with someone else.

I recently answered a text message on his phone from a co-worker whom he had been spending a lot of time with helping her with rides to work, apartment hunting etc. I had brought myself to trust the relationship they had until I saw her text him at 8am to say good morning. I almost instinctually replied as though I were him. I was very shaky, felt ill, and felt almost oblivious to everything else around me.She had said she missed him more than ever, so I asked her to call me. When she called I asked her why she would say those things and she assured me nothing was going on.

I believe that he is not being unfaithful but my actions are hurtful and I don’t know that I could stop myself from doing that again. This isn’t the first time my suspicions were proven wrong. I constantly feel like I am not good enough, always feel second best, and am not confidant he can be happy with me. He is tired of the lack of trust and is ready to leave over it.

Not only that but because I hold so many fears and insecurities I can’t seem to praise him or see positives, all I can focus on are negatives and he feels this is an underlying displeasure with him. He recently told me he had not yet been able to forgive my infidelity and feels very little has changed in me. He has said he is unsure whether he wants to continue in the relationship. He believes I am sabotaging the relationship in order to find a reason to leave. I want to fix this, I just don’t know how to stop my behaviors, the worse he feels about us the worse I behave. Why?

A; You’ve already told us both why. You are terribly, terribly insecure. Stalking your fiance isn’t going to help because the problem isn’t in him. It’s in you. Criticizing him in order to bring him down to your level isn’t doing anything for your relationship, either. You are fortunate indeed that he hasn’t given up yet. He must love you a lot.

If you want to fix this, you are going to have to do more than think about it. If you could have solved the problem on your own, you would have done so long ago. To stop the behaviors and the feelings behind them, you need to see a counselor. Therapy will help you get to the bottom of your insecurities and your feelings of unworthiness and will help you learn more productive ways to manage them. I hope you get going with some therapy right away. I don’t see how your relationship can withstand much more of this.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

March 13, 2021 0 comment

Trust issues with my boyfriend

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP September 4th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

My boyfriend cheated before… Now I never trust him when he’s away.
So over a year ago… I found out that he cheated… or at least sent all these emails back and forth to his ex girlfriend. After we had been together for 2 years. How she still excited him etc…that he never has any plans, wanted to get her something nice for her birthday. I forgave him. Even though he would never admit that he slept with her, and he was completely angry at me for reading his emails, which he left open on my computer at my home.
Now whenever he goes back to his home state, where she lives along with his life long family, and I’m not able to go, I get so incredibly paranoid about it.
Tonight he had to go for an appointment for his hair. Said that his 4:00pm appt was rescheduled until 8pm. I was working until 8. I called him, and he was on the phone and then called me back. He talked with me for 2 minutes and then said he had to get off the phone, because its illegal to talk on the cell while driving and didn’t want to get a ticket…He will talk to me later…
I call him back 5 mins later… he’s talking on the phone… he tries to call back and I don’t pick up… because I’m so mad… I wait another 10 mins and he’s on the phone again!!
Whether he’s cheating or not… why do I feel like he is??
I left him a text message, saying I cannot take the lies anymore, because I had already told him recently that I do not believe what he tells me anymore. He texts me back, that I can come there to check out he is where he says he is.
I would never do that…but I feel, because I still have all of these unresolved feelings inside me, they will never go away.
I feel like telling him, that I will never trust him again, and it is only going to drive us both crazy even if he is telling the truth.
I love him, and I know he loves me, but he has never spoken those words to me in the 4 years I have known him.
Please advise!!

How frustrating it must be to feel simultaneously so connected and disconnected to your boyfriend. But your concerns are real – so let’s sort through the options.

The fact that he lied and was interested in staying in touch with the ex and not telling you about it tells us a lot about his character, and why you feel as you do. The phone episodes also make his comments and actions suspicious.

The bottom line is that you don’t trust him and for good reason. What couples often fail to realize is that if one of them has a concern, then there is a problem in the relationship. Your anxiety was spawned by his actions. That is real, not made up. He simply hasn’t earned your trust and this will not go away until it is addressed directly by the two of you as a real issue.

My strong encouragement is to have the difficult talk about this with him, and try to find ways of dealing with your concerns with him directly. When he says you can come and check on what he is doing you will have to decide if that is the route you want to take, and what he can do to help alleviate your anxiety. If this isn’t successful you may want to find a couples counselor to work with.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 19, 2011 0 comment

My boyfriend cheated on me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP July 9th, 2019

written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Hello, I just found out that my boyfriend, who I thought I had a serious relationship with, for almost 11 months cheated on me a 1 month ago with a friend of mine from work who was also in a relationship and I knew her boyfriend. We all work together and she texted me 6 days ago what happened. Since we work together, my boyfriend and I have spent almost every day together. When we first started dating, I was applying for PA school all over the country and he knew of the possibility of me moving to another state but we continued. I was accepted to PA school in NY a few months ago and we were going back in forth about him moving with me eventually to NY. I went to NY for 4 days, 1 month ago to visit some friends and on the last night before I returned, he went out with my friend, slept with her, she left his apartment in the morning then he came to pick me up at the airport 2 hours later saying I missed you and love you!

Within the last month, I mentioned to him that I felt weird about my friend when she texted him about what we were doing instead of me…and he got upset with me for bringing it up even though they already slept together. Then 2 days after it happened, I had no idea; I invited her and her boyfriend to come to dinner. And we all went together and they acted totally normal even though they slept together 2 days before.

What confounds me the most is that over the past month, he has kept saying he loves me, he wants to make it work, he would never hurt me or cheat on me and he also told me about 2 weeks ago that he wanted to start searching for jobs in NY and eventually move up there with me. I thought he has been acting pretty normal which is why I had no idea.

The girl, my friend, texted him to tell me and she told me he really didn’t look like he wanted to let me know so she went ahead and did it. When he found out I knew he apologized in a text message, the next day we spoke, he apologized again, and I gave him back his promise ring and said I need some time and couldn’t forgive him now. He said he would fight to get my trust back.

Since then he has only texted me a couple of times one saying “he went to speak to his pastor for 3 hours and will go weekly. He set new goals and priorities in his life regaining my trust being his number 1 even if it takes the rest of his life.” But that is it, only text messages and I’m having a hard time understanding how someone that said he loved so much is not putting forth much effort to get me back or show remorse.

The hard part is I have to work with him the next 1.5 months before NY and I cry and feel so hurt when I see him. I’m not sure how to go about it or what I should do in general if he does start fighting to get me back. I guess if he keeps just texting then its obvious he’s not that into me.

Thank you for your help!

You do not have to wait to understand that he just isn’t into you. Here are the facts as you’ve related them to me:

He cheated on you, and wasn’t going to tell you about it.
He showed no signs of remorse or concern when he picked you up at the airport.
He put the emphasis on you to forget about it — rather than on him having to change.
He has told he doesn’t want to fight to gain back your trust.
His words don’t match his actions. He says regaining your trust is the number one priority in his life — then promptly does nothing about it.

You need someone more dedicated to you than he is. 6 weeks isn’t that long in the scheme of things. My advice is do everything you can to wrap up this phase of your life, and use the move to transition into a life with better friends, and a better boyfriend.

You may want to get a list of the books that are going to be required in your first classes in PA school and begin reading. Typically the course load is full the first semester. Why not get started on something that you know have direct value in your life. Shift your attention to your needs and goals, and begin detaching from him emotionally. There isn’t much he has to offer at this point other than his empty words without action.

When you get to the new school you can take advantage of their counseling center if you need to.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

May 3, 2011 0 comment