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Is Age Difference a Problem?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

So my boyfriend and I have been together for a little over nine months. We get along great and he treats me amazing. The problem, I’m 18 and he’s 41. There is a huge age gap between us, but it doesnt seem to bother him and I know it doesn’t bother me. My parents found out about us two within a month of us starting to date and I got in huge trouble. They took my phone and I could only use my car to get to school and back. They pretty much did all they could to keep us away from each other. We found ways around it, until i got my phone back I would text him off my ipod and stuff. I have my car and phone back now so we see each other on a regular basis but we have a new problem now. My boyfriend has been getting restricted calls the passed three months from somebody that neither one of us can recognize and they are threatening him. It started with them tellin him that they would make his life a living hell and everything like that,but the passed few phone calls they have been saying that since threatening him isnt working they will make my life a living hell. They’ve threatened to expose us to my family and close friends that do not want us to be together. My question is simple, what should i do about this? Should we go to the police? We just dont want to go to the police and it make the caller more mad and then they expose us. Please help me, im going to college about an hour away in the fall if that help.
Thank You 🙂

There are several layers to this question. I share your parents’ concerns about a relationship with someone so much older when you are so young. It would be a different story if you were a fully developed adult of, say, 40 and he 63. At that point, you would both be bringing an adult history and adult development to the relationship. The same age difference has different implications when one of the partners is just on the edge of adulthood. I always wonder what it says about an older person when they prefer to be with someone so inexperienced over someone who is a peer. However delightful and lovely you are, you aren’t at the same level of maturity and you don’t have a shared sense of history or culture. The fact that you are dependent on your parents and sneaking around to text him or see him only confirms your immaturity. The fact that he supports you in the duplicity makes me wonder about his character.

As for the threatening phone calls, I think you and the manfriend (somehow I can’t call him a “boy” friend) need to have a sit down – together – with your parents to have an honest conversation. If you are old enough to be embarking on this relationship, you should also be old enough to be open about it and to have a reasonable discussion instead of an argument. If you and your manfriend are serious,the two of you need to consider whether he is willing and able to support you instead of your parents. It is unreasonable and unfair for you to expect to live like a child with your parents providing a car and phone and a college education while you do something that is so contrary to their value system. Once you are adult and honest about your relationship, there is no risk of “exposure” because there is nothing to expose.

You can then ask your folks straight out if they are the source of the calls. If your parents deny that they made the calls, either they are telling the truth (in which case you have another problem) or they are not owning up to something they may have done in desperation to get you two apart. Either way, it will do no good to get into an argument. The two of you could then simply and calmly inform your folks that you will be contacting the police to see what can be done to stop the threats. You could ask for their support while you resolve what has become a frightening situation.

I’m sorry this all won’t be easy. But being mature means dealing with things even when they aren’t easy. How you and your manfriend handle this situation is going to tell you a lot about him, yourself, and your relationship with each other.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Eating Disorder Has Returned

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I am falling back into the depths of my eating disorder and I can’t tell anyone. I have suffered with an eating disorder since I was 13 (I am 18 now). It started out as bulimia/binge eating. I would binge and sometimes purge. I was overweight from the time I was a kid and I was always self conscious about my body. Over the years I began purging more and also experimenting with laxatives and diet pills. During my junior year of high school my eating disorder morphed into anorexia/bulimia. I wouldn’t eat all day and sometimes after everyone in my house went to sleep I would binge and purge or sneak out to run a few miles. I am 5’6″ and my weight went from 165 pounds to 115 from September to January. I started regularly bingeing and purging again and I gained about 15 pounds by the end of February. In early March a teacher found out that I was taking diet pills and called my parents. (This teacher had been questioning me about my weight loss for a while). My parents had suspected an ED and eventually I wound up in residential treatment. I was there for 5 weeks, went home, relapsed, attempted suicide and was sent back to residential for another two months. I was discharged to a outpatient program in July and spent July and half of August doing the OP program as well as seeing an outpatient therapist twice a week. When I was discharged from residential my weight had gotten up to 145 pounds. I started binge eating again and my weight rose to 155 over the remainder of the summer. I was too embarrassed to tell my treatment team about bingeing because I felt so disgusting for doing it. In September I went back to school for my senior year and started heavily restricting and exercising again. After a few weeks I landed in the hospital dehydrated and was sent back to residential for a third time. I spent a month there and then the following three months in an Intensive Outpatient Program because my insurance would not cover partial. I also so my individual therapist twice a week. Since then I have graduated from high school (I completed all my classes at home with a tutor) and got accepted into a top boarding school for a postgraduate year.

However, in the past month things have really taken a turn for the worse. I am so unhappy with my weight and I can’t stand the way I look. I feel so fat and disgusting and the thought of wearing anything other than baggy sweats scares me because I dont want anybody to see my disgusting body. My body has maintained a weight of 155 pounds and I am extremely uncomfortable with that number especially because I KNOW that my “set point weight” is between 140 and 145. I desperately want my weight to get back to 115 where I was in the depths of the anorexia phase of my eating disorder. Although I know this is an unhealthy weight for me, I cant seem to stop thinking about how much better I would look and feel at that weight.

In the past month my eating disorder has been all over the place. It started with severe restricting. I ate about 500 calories over a 7 day period and my weight immediately dropped to about 145. This sever restriction however was followed by a week of severe bingeing where I gained the weight back (and then some) Then I went away for a week to a sports camp where I was playing 9 hours a day of intense volleyball and eating maybe 1200 calories at most. I came home and hadn’t lost any weight which sent me into a week of severe bingeing and purging, followed by a family vacation where I felt pressured to eat foods I was uncomfortable with (it was a week of indulgence… I wouldn’t say bingeing because I wasn’t consuming massive amounts of food) After I got home my weight had climbed yet again and I started taking 10 laxatives daily. My weight has gone down and is now hovering around 155 again but I am still really unhappy with this number. Today I started restricting and purging again. Meaning I am not eating but anything I do eat is being purged.

I feel awful. I cry myself to sleep almost every night and I feel like a fat, disgusting failure. I am still seeing my outpatient therapist twice a week but I cant bring myself to tell her. I am so afraid that if I am honest she will tell my parents that I am not mentally stable enough to go away to school, which I have been looking forward to for over a year. However, most of the time I dream of going away to school because school distracts me so much from food and I can lose weight a lot easier when I am wrapped up in academics and athletics. Although I am a high achieving, top tier school-bound student I feel as though my only goal in life is to reach a weight I am comfortable with- an emaciated body. But at the same time, I really do love school and learning and the school I am going to will be a great opportunity for me. I don’t want to give it up because of my eating disorder. I can’t miss out on another year of my life because I am in treatment.

There are few days when thoughts of pursuing an education and becoming a successful doctor excite me but the majority of the time the only thing I want to achieve is a perfect body.

I don’t know what to do. My thoughts are so extreme, so black and white. No therapy technique (mindfulness, thought stopping, DBT, CBT, relaxation, etc) has ever worked for me. Sometimes journaling helps me get my thoughts out but my journal entries usually end up as some twisted plot to lose a ton of weight.

I really need someone to talk to. I love my therapist but I feel so self conscious around her because I am bigger than her. I feel like I don’t deserve to talk about how I “feel” fat when my BMI proves that I am overweight. I am embarrassed to even bring it up in a session because I know that my therapist knows what my weight is and I cant bear to hear the number aloud.

I don’t know what to do. I feel so alone with my thoughts and I feel like recovery will never be possible because I am so ambivalent about it. –Pam

A recent article/ blog entry in the New York Times entitled Is Anorexia a Lifelong Illness? featured Dr. Kathryn Zerbe, an expert on eating disorders. In this article individuals were able to ask her questions. One response was particularly insightful. An individual by the name of “DJ” wrote this about her battle with bulimia “…ironically, in an effort to avoid obesity and to be attractive, I have ruined my appearance further.”

With that statement she was referring to how she ruined her teeth and had to spend large amounts of money on dental work. Not to mention, as she goes on to say, the fact that her health is at great risk because of her eating disorder.

You are likely in the same position she is with regard to your health. In addition, because of the eating disorder you also face the possibility of not being able to achieve your lifelong dream of wanting to become a doctor. Your obsession with finding the “perfect weight” is essentially ruining your life.

You are keeping your ordeal a secret and I strongly discourage this. You are in treatment with a therapist but are unable to reveal the truth about your situation. I understand that you feel ashamed about certain aspects of your behavior. I would encourage you to try to move past these feelings, as difficult as it may be, and talk about them with your therapist. You have the opportunity to be treated, but fear of what others think of you is standing in your way. Your therapist knows already that you’re struggling with eating issues. She’s not going to think any less of you because you’re having difficulty. Her job is to help you when you are having difficulty but she can’t if she doesn’t know you’re having a problem. You’re not helping yourself by withholding the truth from the very person who is attempting to help you.

I also noticed you’re overly critical of your behavior. It’s a common characteristic among individuals with an eating disorder. In your case, it leads you to believe that your therapist will also be critical of your behavior. There’s a very good likelihood that your perception of how you believe your therapist will react is inaccurate. It is important for you to tell her the truth no matter what you think her reaction will be. You need help and you need it now.

I recognize that you’re frightened but you can be helped. Many people have sought treatment for eating disorders and it has saved their lives. The same can be true for you but it begins with you not keeping the reemergence of your disorder a secret. I wish you luck.

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Is DID Ruining My Life?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Hi, I have suffered MH problems from aroound the age of 6 (now 24) at 14 I was put on anti-d’s and at 19 I was diagnosed with OCD and BPD. The thing im struggling with the most is my severe dissociation, for many years i thought i had just been falling asleep or blacking out, i started to notice the signs; a funny smell, headache and stiff neck but still couldnt control it happening, then people started saying things like “oh u were behaving very oddly the other day” and i wouldnt even recall that i had seen them, my mother once said “I dont know why in some situations you start acting like a man, smoking walking and talking like one” over the past two years ive communicated more with the voices in my head to which i had previously thought everyone had, i now know there names and communicate the most with a 15 year old called Billy, my ex partner said he used to come out alot and was quite aggressive in his manner she said he liked different things to me and stuff, ive in the past been arrested for assault and not remembered a thing about whats happened.. then there are child alters that come out less often but when one did my ex said “if u saw what u were like u would be very embarrassed”.

Ive just finished DBT and other than simply losing time i didnt tell her about the alters, although im pretty sure she has spoken to Billy and not realised it “u were very aggressive when u spoke to me”…again no recollection.. she once said she felt i was very fragmented and that my dissociation is more severe than it to just be a symptom of BPD.

I know its not seizures because when i was in psych hospital they sent me for an EEG and it was clear.. ive done the sdq20 privately online and scored within the DID bracket. I see a psychiatrist every three months (im in the uk) and i have a care-co-ordinator.. its getting worse of late and billy is expressing he wants to kill people especially my mum.. the last few times ive found smahed objects and theres been self harm, i have also come to in some odd places… in the harbour, on the motorway.

I dont know where to go from here or even if i def have DID, i feel too embarrassed to tell my psychiatrist, because when i mentioned it in hospital it was swept under the carpet. and i fear they wont believe me because it sounds so odd but i really dont want someone dying all because i didnt get help.. i/he has already come close to killing my cousin apparently i had the strength of an ox, a mad look in my eye and i knocked her out then repeatidly kicked her in the head. Im really scared please help.

I would suggest that you make a detailed list of your symptoms and bring them to your psychiatrist. Perhaps he misunderstood you and this could explain why he did not provide you with a satisfactory response. It might have been a simple miscommunication. A detailed list would give him the opportunity to fully analyze your symptoms and come to a conclusion about what your diagnosis might be.

If you do try to speak to your psychiatrist and still feel as though he is not addressing your symptoms, you can always seek a second opinion or even a third. Search for a mental health professional who specializes in the treatment of dissociative identity disorder (DID) or who has experience treating individuals with this disorder.

Some clinicians never see a case of DID during their entire careers. This could explain why some mental health professionals are not fully convinced that DID exists, although it is a recognized disorder in the DSM-IV.

Though you might have DID, it’s also important to realize that you may not. It’s best not to assume that you have the disorder. At this time, I think it’s important that you are properly evaluated by a mental health professional. It is imperative that you do this sooner than later especially because of your fear that you may harm someone. It would also be helpful if you had a trusted friend or family member who could be with you and monitor your behavior. This person could objectively verify whether or not you are engaging in a particular type of behavior. He or she could also speak to your psychiatrist and corroborate your behavior and symptoms. This might help your doctor to understand more of what you’re going through.

I hope you’re able to find the help that you need. If you believe that you may be a danger to yourself or others, please do not hesitate to go to the emergency room for a psychiatric evaluation. The emergency room can provide you with immediate help. Please take care. I wish you well.

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Can’t Stop Thinking about Breakup

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

My boyfriend of two years broke up with me. It has been almost three months and I can’t stop thinking about him. He is 29, I am 24. Some days are better than others, but I still feel extremely sad and crappy about the whole thing. He told me when we broke up that when he thinks about his future, he doesn’t see me in it anymore, and as much as he wanted us to work he just can’t do it anymore. This crushed me, even though I knew a long time ago that he wasn’t right for me. But he was my first real love, and that was the last thing I thought I would ever hear him say. He started seeing someone the week after we broke up. They are still together. I know this because I still talk to and hang out with his friends (well his guy friend’s wives.) He doesn’t have facebook, but I looked his new girl up, and her profile is not private. She posts pictures of them, and status’ about them. It makes me sick, but I can’t stop looking at it. It literally gives me an upset stomach every single time. I even check his e-mail a few times a week. I try to talk myself out of looking but I can’t. I don’t know what to do anymore. I have not talked to him in almost two months, but I want to, badly. I want to know when he met this girl, if we were together when they met, if he cheated on me, etc. But I can’t do this or find this out without looking like the “crazy ex-girlfriend.” I feel so hopeless. Even though I say I don’t want to be with him, I also don’t feel like my heart is every going to be able to trust or fully love another person again. I don’t want him to be in my head anymore. It’s even affecting my sleep. I wake up from dreams about him, and then cannot go back to sleep. I try so hard to keep myself busy with family and friends, and even knew hobbies, but he is ALWAYS occupying my head. I don’t know what to do about it anymore, its driving me nuts. Please help. Any advice is appreciated. If you need more details I have an endless amount.

I am sorry about your loss. It can be difficult to lose someone with whom you feel so connected. The most helpful advice that I can offer is to focus on reality. The reality is that your boyfriend has ended the relationship. Unfortunately, you don’t have a say in the matter. When it comes to relationships, both individuals have to agree to be in the relationship. If one person votes no, and the other yes, the relationship ends. You must have two yes votes for the relationship to continue.

Most relationships don’t last. It is the norm. Breaking up is essentially a universal experience. Virtually everyone can relate. Breakups can be difficult but there is often a “silver lining.” It frees you to search for someone who will love you as much as you love them.

This is your first real love. The breakup was difficult. You are upset but in time your strong emotions about your ex will subside.

Dating is a process of trial and error and as I’ve already mentioned almost all of them end up as an error. It is a process of rejection. It is a process of saying (by one of the parties) “Nope, not compatible enough.”

Your ex appears to be saying just that. You and he were not compatible enough.

Think about all of the millions of people who experience breakups. They, too, believed that they would never recover, or that they would never find another relationship but they did. You can too.

I want you to look around at everyone you know who has a good relationship, even a seemingly perfect one. Then I want you to realize the long process of breakups, rejections, etc. that finally led to that really good relationship, that special person.

Finally, I would advise that you stop viewing Facebook photos of your ex and his new girlfriend. Not only does it upset you, it is a waste of your time. Why bother with someone who does not want to be with you?

The more assistance and support that you have during this difficult time, the better. It will pass and you will feel better. Please take care.


Dr. Kristina Randle

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How to Help Daughter with Multiple Problems?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

How do I help her? My family has a history of schizophrenia. I grew up with both a grandaddy and aunt who had been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, so I know just what it looks like. By the time my daughter was showing symptoms she was already on the streets self medicating with meth and heroin. This is a girl who was the senior class vice president, attended poetry club and was a member of ROTC. Within six months she had dropped out of college and was living on the streets. We’ve tried to have her in rehab but she just leaves within a few days. She needs to be formally diagnosed but I don’t know how to make that happen. The police won’t even take a missing persons report because as far as their concerned she’s just another drug addict. I don’t have health insurance and neither does she. She needs the kind of help people like me cannot afford. I have heard some news about what area of town she might be in (we have not seen or heard from her in over three months) but even if I were to find her…how can I possibly help her? At this point I feel my only option is to wait until I’m informed her body has been found.

I am sorry that you are faced with this very difficult problem. Among those with schizophrenia, these types of stories are relatively common. About half of those with schizophrenia cannot recognize that they are ill due to a neurological condition called anosognosia and subsequently refuse all treatments. The unfortunate result is that they suffer tremendously. Many will never receive needed life-saving treatments.

In the United States, in order to be forcibly hospitalized, an individual has to have demonstrated that they are imminently dangerous to themselves or to others.

The majority of states will also forcibly hospitalize somebody if they are “gravely disabled.” Though definitions vary by state, an individual is “gravely disabled” if they are unable to properly care for themselves due to their illness. In the case of your daughter, if you were able to locate her you may be able to make the case that she is “gravely disabled.”

Unfortunately, even if she were involuntarily committed, she would likely only be in the hospital for a relatively short period of time. The average psychiatric hospital stay is approximately seven days. The fact that she doesn’t have health insurance might mean that a hospital is less likely to extend her stay when she no longer is a “danger to self.” Hospitals are legally obligated to treat patients who are a danger to themselves or to others but once patients no longer meet this criteria and they do not have health insurance, patients are sometimes discharged, often before they are fully psychologically stable.

The unfortunate reality in this situation is that your daughter may be beyond your help at this point. If you can’t find her, then you can’t help her. You should do everything you can within your power to help her but then realize that you can do no more.

I would encourage you to contact the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI). NAMI members can relate to what you are experiencing because many of their adult children are facing a similar challenge. NAMI members can also assist you with specific ideas about how you can help your daughter. Most communities have a local NAMI chapter. Utilize their skills and knowledge to assist you in this situation.

I would also encourage you to read the book “I’m Not Sick I Don’t Need Help” by Xavier Amador. This book thoroughly explains why some people with schizophrenia have difficulty understanding that they are ill and it advises families about how to deal with this very challenging situation. It is a “must-read” for individuals who have a loved one with schizophrenia. Please don’t hesitate to write again if you have additional questions. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Can’t Let Go

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Last year, a three year relationship in which I was involved ended. I had never been more emotionally connected to someone as this person in my life. The relationship did not end well. For starters, the primary catalyst was that I had been married previously and had a child, she had not. Her family (particularly her mother with whom she was very close to), did not accept the idea of the two of us getting married. She impressed upon me throughout the relationship that we’d eventually overcome her family’s opposition and that we would spend our life together. Long story short, it didn’t happen. We began a break up last summer which was followed by three months of on-again and off-again patterns until eventually she found someone else. The someone else happened to have been a childhood friend and someone I had known well all of my life. I live in a small town where avoiding them is impossible and avoiding places and things that trigger memories is equally impossible. I have suffered from serious depression for over the past year. I have tried everything: counseling, focusing on my daughter and career, exercise, dating new people, and so forth. I have contemplated moving, but with my daughter’s circumstances, it would be difficult. I’ve had several relationships throughout the years, but NONE like this. I still love this person, as deeply as ever. I miss her every day. I think about her non-stop. It’s been over a year and I still can’t let go. Nothing I’ve done seems to help. I’ve stopped dating altogether because I started to realize how unfair it was to try and get emotionally involved with someone else when my mind and heart still focused so strongly on my ex. I’m tired of the pain. I’m tired of missing her. I’m tired of wanting her back every day. I realize how wrong it is for me to linger in this…but nothing I try takes away the thoughts. Honestly, had it not been for my family and daughter, I probably would have moved as far away as possible (or worse). I really need to get past this. I just don’t know how.

I know this is a very difficult time for you. Your powerful and moving description of this relationship highlights how difficult it can be when our love isn’t returned. Unrequited love leaves a vacancy that can be hard to understand, hard to fill, and emotionally burdensome.

But it also provides perspective and reevaluation of our emotional needs. When a good relationship has ended, one way to reframe the feelings around it is to recognize you were in love with that person’s potential. Not her reality. It was good up to a point — but it was limited and those limitations were real enough to cause it to end. The good features may have eclipsed the not-so-good ones in your memory and can dominate your thinking about the relationship. Use what was good as an indicator of what is possible. Seen through this lens, you can understand the relationship as a signpost of what you want more of in your life, not as something you have missed out on.

That having been said, and seeing as how you have tried so many ways to move through and past it, I would recommend learning something new — a new skill, a new language, a new sport. The shift now should be back to your own development and learning something new can help you absorb the transition out of this relationship.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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My girlfriend always thinks she is pregnant

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hi, I am 19 years old and my girlfriend is 17 years old, we have been dating for a little over a year and really love each other but right now there is a serious relationship problem. We have been having sex routinely for around five months then in December (three months ago) we stopped having sex because she was scared to have it. We always had extremely safe sex; I always wore a condom and with drawled. She was very scared she was pregnant and thought her period was late so we bought two home pregnancy tests, they both came out negative. Two days later she had got her period. It was six days late and lasted seven days. She still thinks she is pregnant though, she has had no pregnancy symptoms.

She keeps saying she’s getting fat and is making things up. A few weeks later she tells her mom that she thinks she’s pregnant so her mom takes her to the doctors and the doctor says she can’t be pregnant if she got her period, so they set up an appointment for an ultra sound and got another home pregnancy test which read negative for a third time. She still thinks she is pregnant and is really scared. Two weeks roughly she got the ultra sound and nothing appeared in it. The ultra sound was taken nine weeks after we had sex. She felt a little better for a few days and then again she was scared about it, the thought wouldn’t leave her head. After the ultra sound she got another period, this time her period was exactly on time and lasted six days.

She felt better for a few more days then started to get scared again, she went to a therapist and it didn’t help her. She is so scared it affects her everyday life. Recently she bought two more home pregnancy tests and they both read negative, and yes she took the tests correctly. The last time we had sex was November 27, and today its February 4. Also January 17 she started birth control pill. And I don’t pressure her to have sex. She is still scared even though she hasn’t gained any weight, took five negative pregnancy tests, had an ultra sound, and had two periods. She also thinks she has pregnancy symptoms but she doesn’t, she thinks she is fat even though she hasn’t gained weight and is only 115 pounds, she also says her nipples are brown and I checked and they were pinkish, I wonder if she is seeing things.

This is affecting our relationship and her life. Is she not attracted to me anymore and looking for excuses to not have sex? Does she have some sort of anxiety disorder? Does she have a mental problem? Why is she scared all the time? Somebody please help me! Every day she tells me she is scared and I try to calm her down but she still thinks she is pregnant. Please help me! What is wrong with my girlfriend?

I’m sure this is very upsetting to you both. Your girlfriend is fortunate to have such a supportive and caring boyfriend. From what you wrote, I can only guess that, however much she cares for you, your girlfriend really isn’t ready to be sexual. For whatever reason, she doesn’t feel that she can just say no so she has developed symptoms that make it impossible to have a relaxed and loving sexual relationship with you.

My best advice is that you back way off. If it’s true, let her know that you love her and that you are willing to wait for sex until she is truly comfortable with it. If you can’t manage that, then it’s only fair to gently take some distance. Make sure you let her know that you respect her choice but that your needs are different at this time. It’s important that she not feel punished for having different values than yours.

Meanwhile, I do think it would be helpful for her to see a mental health professional. Her anxiety is now on overdrive. She may not be able to settle down without some help. She might benefit from some medicine to help relieve the anxiety and some talk therapy to help relieve her of any guilt she may be feeling.

I wish you both well.
Dr. Marie

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Isolated, Low Self-esteem, And Want To Come Out To Family

by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW
written by Julie Hanks, MSW, LCSW

I’ve felt empty and isolated for a long time. I feel as though I haven’t been truly happy in many years and will be stuck this way forever. I haven’t enjoyed my teen years like I’m supposed to.

I’ll be starting college in two months, and would like to get back on track and start over in life, but it just seems impossible.

Each best friend I’ve had throughout my life has ended up moving away. This happened four times. My last and closest friend (who was like a brother to me) moved away shortly before high school started. I later found out that he had wanted to leave.

Well, after he moved away, I never really made true friends during my four years of high school.  I’m very shy in social situations which makes things more complicated. I didn’t feel like I had anyone to rely on but myself. I spent most of my time after school alone. Additionally, my parents had marital problems throughout high school and got divorced several days after my graduation.

I live in a rich, conservative, religious place and had to hide being gay during high school because of my low self-esteem and a lack of trusted friends. I worried that people would be disappointed/disgusted if i told them. I also had to abandon my religion which I once trusted. Worst of all, I had to create and act out a fake straight-person identity, and never developed a real identity for myself. I don’t even feel like myself most of the time. I’ve never been in a relationship whatsoever, which hurts my self-esteem further. Often, I feel sad/dead/empty on the inside, no matter how little it shows on the outside.

Additionally, for three months during my junior year, I would suddenly get dizzy/lightheaded, over-heated, shaky, and feel extremely nauseous about ten times a day. It lasted maybe 15 minutes each time. It seemed to be a mental thing because it only happened when I was in a non-relaxing setting. However, I was mostly able to ignore it, so I never saw a doctor or told anyone. Eventually it stopped happening, except on rare occasions.

The only thing I’ve managed to achieve in the last four years is good grades. I still haven’t told anyone I’m gay either. I want to tell my older brother and sister because I’m closer to them than anyone else. Hopefully it will happen before the semester starts.

For the future, what I want more than anything is to be a valued member of a group of friends rather than just an extra, disposable person. And I also hope to gain enough confidence to have a relationship and be open about myself, not hate myself, and feel normal again.

Could there be something wrong with me or my life that could be causing all of this? Also, how can I learn to forget the past and start new during college?

Thanks so much for writing in. How very painful to feel like you’ve never really been able to develop your sense of self, and openly explore and express who you are inside. Your parents’ marital instability and divorce likely didn’t help you to feel safe either. The dizziness and shakiness you described feeling during your junior year of high school sounds like anxiety, which is very understandable, given all of the stress and isolation you were holding inside.

Have you ever worked with a therapist? If not, I highly suggest it. “Forgetting the past” isn’t necessarily the goal of therapy. It is possible for you to process your experiences and make sense out of them in a way that allows you to move forward in your life. Your therapist can also help you develop healthy relationships and explore the best way to come out to your family. The great thing about becoming an independent adult is that you can define your life on your own terms, and seek out relationships that support who you are, and who you want to become. If you need help finding a therapist who specializes in working with GLTB issues click here.  Also, check with the student services department at your university for support groups for gay students to help you know that you’re not alone, and to help you find groups who are struggling with similar challenges.

Thanks again for your courage in writing in for help. Take good care of yourself!

Julie Hanks, LCSW

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Depressed about Breakup

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I think that i might be depressed. last year i started going out with this guy who i really, really liked. He would always tell me how much he liked me, and that i was ‘beautiful’ and ‘amazing’.. and i was head over heels in love with him,which was wierd because i had never been in love. afer about 6 months of being together he suddenly stopped taking interest in me, and would often forget to meet up with me when we made plans. all of a sudden he completely ignored me, i didnt even get a text from him.. i couldn’t eat and didn’t go out becasue i was soo worried he no longer liked me. After two weeks of him ignoring me, i got a text from him explainig how he just wanted to be friends and that i deserve someone much better. I cried when i first saw it, but the next few days i was fine. a few days later I went on ‘facebook’ one day and realised he has blocked me! That really hit me hard as i felt he had just completly ‘deleted’ me out of his life, and everyday since then i have cried and have not been able to be happy. this was about three months ago now, and i know i’m over him but still i cry most days and find it really hard to enjoy going out. i often just sit in my room isolating myself. i just feel generally down, and keep wondering what the point of my life is..i cry at ridiculously stupid things. Just today i burst out in tears at a disney film which wasn’t sad atall! im just so emotional. i’m scared nobody will ever love me, or want me..and i will end up being alone. it’s stupid because im still really young, i keep trying to tell myself there is plenty of opportunities for me to find sombody but deep inside i just cant accept that. I have also recetly not been eating as much, and often make myself sick after dinners. i just feel ugly and worthless. I really dont know how to describe how i’m feeling, and i feel a bit stupid and scared if im honest about posting this.. i know for a fact my mum is worried about me. i try to hide how i’m feeling but i think it’s just making it worse..i haven’t spoken to this to anyone as i’m finding it really hard. i really just want to be happy.

im really sorry this is really long, but i would really appreciate it if you could give me a brief understanding of wheather or not i’m actually ‘depressed’

Thank you very much

You might be struggling with situational depression but I can’t be sure. By this I mean that you seem to be reacting to a particular situation that has understandably caused you to grieve.

I believe the primary issue may be low self-esteem. You seemed to be happy when you and your ex were dating. As you mentioned, you were “head over heels in love” with him. The relationship was going well, in your view, until he unexpectedly ended it. It was then that you began to experience depression. When he liked you, you liked yourself. When he “deleted you” from his life, you no longer felt good about yourself. The breakup made you feel as though you were “ugly and worthless.”

If you would have had a healthy level of self-esteem, you may have had a much different reaction. An individual with a healthy sense of self-esteem may have been briefly saddened about the breakup but not devastated. A healthier reaction might have been something like this: “why would I want to be with someone who so easily “deleted” me from his life? That person is not deserving of my love. I’m glad that our relationship is over.”

Please take the time to read my answer to another individual who was having a similar reaction to a breakup. I believe that this response perfectly explains the normalcy of breakups and how they are to be expected.

Self-esteem can be developed over time. If an individual feels good about themselves, then they are essentially immune to what others think of them. They believe in their abilities. They no longer have to have to rely on the opinion of others to know if they are “good enough.”

There is always a concern when someone describes themselves as being “head over heels in love.” It could mean that someone is essentially “blind” to the many possible negative attributes about their partner and their relationship. If you were blinded by love, then you might have missed important red flags. You may overlooked certain aspects of your ex-partner’s personality or behavior that should have alarmed you.

If you continue to struggle with the breakup, then my recommendation would be to consider counseling. It would also be helpful to have a psychiatric evaluation to rule out a depression diagnosis. You may benefit from psychotherapy or antidepressant medication. Both treatments may assist you in getting through this difficult time. I wish you the best. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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Boyfriend can’t sustain an erection since I was raped

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my boyfriend for ten months,during this time, about seven months into the relationship, i had my drink spiked and was sexually assaulted.
It has been three months since, and i have been dealing with it better than him. The first few weeks i was a mess, but after going to the GUM clinic and being offered advice and counselling i felt much better and had a better understanding. The only issue i am facing at the moment, personally, is feeling incredibly anxious when i go out in the evening with my friends. I find it difficult to breathe, but i know this is because i associate nightclubs and drinking with what happened.

My main concern is my relationship with my boyfriend. Since this happened he has felt sick to his stomach and it has put a great strain on our relationship. Firstly, he blames himself as he was meant to be going out that night, and secondly when we become intimate he often remembers what happened , feels sick, and loses his erection. When this happends he feels even more down, and doesnt want to try again. We have spent three months trying to ignore the issue, and it wasnt until a few days ago that he told me it was too much and he couldnt carry on.

I wish to save our relationship as it means so much to us both, but i dont know how to help him at all. I love him dearly, and want him to not feel sick when we are becoming intimate. He can sustain an erection for a period of time until he thinks about the incident. I hope you can help and thank you for your time.

I’m so sorry that you have been through such an ordeal. You were wise to go for some counseling right away. It sounds like you are well on your way to putting the assualt behind you and getting on with your life. Yours is a healthy, mature response.

Your boyfriend’s reaction, though embarrassing for him and frustrating for both of you isn’t that unusual. He blames himself for not being there to protect you and may not feel deserving of intimacy. He may be afraid he will remind you of what happened and hurt you. He might find it difficult to be sexual with you, knowing that someone else was – even though there was certainly no intimacy or love involved in the assault. Whatever the reason, he hasn’t been able to come to terms with it and you baven’t been able to help him. Ignoring the issue hasn’t worked either.

Since the relationship means a lot to both of you, I encourage you to get some additional counseling, this time as a couple. As you have both discovered, an assault may be on one person but it also affects the people they love. A therapist will help the two of you learn new ways to provide each other with support and care so you can get through this together.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Longtime Boyfriend Constantly Lies

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My boyfriend and I have been together for four years and lived together three of those years. Six months into the relationship I found him parked in his workplace parking lot with a woman at 3am. That night he had gone to a friend of ours house and I stayed home because I didnt feel well and when I woke up at 2am and he still wasnt home and wouldnt answer his phone i became worried. Now 3 and 1/2 years later i do not believe that he was cheating on me with that woman but he was sincerely just dropping her off but that night was the turning point in our relationship.

I gave him the benefit of the doubt with the prior incident but then another six months later he started distancing himself from me. He wouldnt come home after work, didnt wanna do anything, and his cell phone glued to his hip at all times. Of course I was suspicious and he knew it but denied anything was wrong. But then the night of my birthday he stayed gone all night and didnt come back home till 4am when i asked him what happened he said he had fallen asleep at a friends house. I knew he was lying but didn’t have any prove… yet. The very next night once again I caught him with another woman at his workplace. Needless to say he moved out my house that night. I was devasted, lost 30lbs in a month and went into deep depression. But then he came back three months later said he had made a mistake but did not cheat on me just thought the grass was greener on the other side.

So after him proving to me that he was going to do anything it took to earn my trust back and make things right he moved back in. The next two years went by with no major problems but I drove myself crazy wondering if he was going to leave me again, checking his phone, making sure he was where he said he was. I became obsessed about trying to catch him in a lie again. Eventually I found on his phone where he had been back in contact with the last woman he left me for and i sat him down and confronted him about it and he said they were going to still be friends and I just had to get over it. That was not acceptable for me! I was the one he “loved” and he should be doing whatever it took to make me feel secure in our relationship (so I think).

So when he wouldnt agree to cut off the friendship with her I left my house and went and stayed with my sister for a week and told him I was giving him time to get his stuff out. Well that week went by and he still hadnt moved anything so I went back and started packing his stuff for him. So he moved to his Grandma’s house. Two months later I moved out that house also and in with my sister. We were still seeing each other but not seriously when I turned up pregnant by him. I wanted to have that baby but he kept saying “we cant afford a child right now”, “we’re not even together”, “but it’s your decision” his actions led me to believe that he did not want our child. So I did what i had to do and the following week I find out his is dating a woman that has a two year old little girl!! Once again I was abandoned.

Even though he was with someone else he was constantly texting me and telling me he missed me and loved me and wished things were different. Now in the past 8 months he has been going back and forth between me and this other woman that has the daughter. He says he cares about her but she’s not going anywhere in her life and he loves the little girl. He says he knows he isn’t going to be spending the rest of his life with her because he can’t live without me and will always love me no matter what.

He is now back with me but we are not living together and just lastnight he wouldnt answer his phone and when i went by his house at 10:45pm he wasn’t home but when he finally did talk to me he said he had been home since 8:30pm and had fallen asleep.

Everyone tells me to just move on but it’s not that simple. I love this man with every bit of my heart and can not give up on our love even if it does drive me crazy with trust issues. I know he has it in him to treat me right I just need to know how to talk to him. Our communication skills are awful and when we have problems he tends to want to take the easy way out and avoid the situation until a few days have gone by and everything is blown over. There is no doubt in my mind that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone but that’s what makes it even more confusing to me. How do I let him know what i need from him without causing an argument and make him understand how he has destroyed my self confidence and trust for him and how can he get it back? How do I get him to understand that if he wants us to work then he has to invest more time and effort in it because I’m scared that when I finally do move on then he’s going to be the man that I know he can be. Please help me get my sanity back and a little understanding of the way he seems to be thinking. Thanks for listening and helping.

I’m sorry to have to tell you that I don’t think either of you is ready for a committed relationship. You may have started this relationship four years ago but you were only in your teens. You two are still acting out high school drama. What you are calling love looks too much like dependency to me. What he is calling love looks like it only lasts until there is another opportunity. Regardless of what he says, his actions tell you he’s not going to be the kind of guy you want.

I can’t tell you what he’s thinking. I do suggest you find a therapist to help you develop more self-esteem and more confidence so you can find someone to love who will really love you back. You deserve much better than your so-called boyfriend.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Am I Mentally Ill?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

I know I’m only 16 but the reason I’m sending this in here is because I’m afraid of not being taken seriously by anyone close to me I talk to because of my age.

I haven’t been diagnosed but I have suffered from depression for the last year – I don’t feel a diagnosis or talking to a counselor would help and I don’t want to worry my mother by telling her and seeming melo-dramatic etc.

I’ve learnt to get along with feeling sad most of the time, though sometimes I can’t explain my behavior to. I’ve always been very eccentric especially when with friends, though I enjoy being alone much more than being with friends as I enjoy my own company and find it easier to cope when not in front of people (I often find myself crying or bursting out at those around me when around people for too long – I can’t handle intimacy.)

Throughout the last three months things have gotten much better but at the same time much worse. My bouts of depression have become mellower – but lasting for longer and progressively build up (During abouts three weeks) and by the end I completely isolate myself, cannot handle any form of face to face communication and feel suicidal. This severe stage lasts for about two days then within minutes I will literally be happy as ever and stay this way for about a day. I know this sounds like I’m bipolar but I feel I can deal with that – I’m not going to do anything rash, doing that to my family wouldn’t be fair.

It’s the other changes in my mind I can’t deal with. I’ve always had nightmares like every other person but over the last couple of months they have gotten to really worry me. One night I was dreaming of being strangled to death by someone I couldn’t see in my bedroom and woke up to find MY hands gripping my throat. This has happened a few times since but has not been an overwhelming worry as it’s happening less and less. It is at night time when I’m worried the most though. I have constant trouble getting to sleep at a decent time even when in bed for hours (it’s now getting in the way with school work) as I’m up all night in bed scared to fall asleep in case I’m attacked by something. Recently I’ve been full on hallucinating which is really what has driven me to do something about what’s going on.

There was a woman lying next to me the other night, I could literally feel her next to me and hear her plain as day when she said “You don’t have to do it”. There have been other times when I see reflections of myself moving in the reflection of my tv when I’m sitting dead still in my bed. I’ve since started sleeping with a lamp on.

I just want to know what I should do, I implied my night terrors and the happenings to my mum and she didn’t take me seriously. I only wanted to know what she thought I should do.

Letting things get worse is the last thing I want to do, but I don’t want to over react and worry everyone and suddenly proclaim I’m unstable. I know I have tendencies to be, but that’s my business. Is there anything you would suggest to help me? What’s wrong with me? And how can I stop it?

You believe that asking for help is not necessary. You don’t think it would be beneficial and you worry that it could make you seem melodramatic. I understand your reasoning for not wanting to ask for help but it would be ill-advised to rule it out.

You also mention that you “implied” to your mother that you are having problems. She didn’t take you seriously. I’m not certain what you meant by the term implied but I take it to mean that you did not provide her with many details about your issues. Perhaps she did not take you seriously because you withheld many important facts from her. I suspect that you did not tell her the full truth. If you were to speak to her and tell her exactly what you are experiencing then she may take you seriously. I would strongly encourage you to do this. If she does not know that there is a problem then it is going to be difficult for her to provide you adequate help.

I think counseling would be very beneficial to you. You should consider it. As you mention in some ways you are able to handle your problems but on the other hand they seem to be getting worse. When you have bouts of depression they last longer than they used to and are more severe. The periods of depression also include thoughts of suicide. These are signs that help is needed.

I’m also concerned with your sleep disturbances and hallucinations. The hallucinations may be related to the inability to sleep but it also may signify an underlying mental health disorder. The only way to know what is in fact occurring is to be evaluated by a mental health professional. A sleep study may also be in order.

It is encouraging that you have periods in your life when you feel good. Ultimately you’d want to have only periods of positivity and happiness and to eliminate the bouts of depression. It is not unusual for individuals to feel sadness from time to time. Those feelings happen to everyone and are relatively normal. It is not normal or healthy to have extended periods of depression that are characterized by suicidal thinking. That is why it is important that you consider counseling.

You asked about what you can do to address your problems and I believe the best course of action would be to speak to your mother. Have an honest conversation with her about what you are struggling with. Don’t imply what you’re problems are, tell her the complete truth. Maybe then she would take you seriously and get you the help that you need and deserve. Thank you for your question and I wish you the best of luck.

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Was This Marriage Necessary?

by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.
written by Diane Walcutt, Ph.D.

Please I need a professional reply in this matter. I am married for 2 years.I have a 14 month old baby. This marriage was settled by my parents. They chose the girl and I agreed. Before marriage I had some psychological problems. I was studying Masters in IT in Dhaka, Bangladesh in 2007.

Both my parents were abroad in Saudi Arabia. I was in dhaka with my younger brother. There was a lot of pressure of courses. There was also the challenge of making a good result set by my father. I also felt loneliness. I could not handle the pressure. I was partly responsible since I was irregular in my studies and wasted my time in games etc.

During my exam in february,2007 I became arrogant, misbehaving, used to break things out of anger,used to brag and give foul lectures, became proudy and felt all knowing. I hardly slept 3 to 4 hours a day and took food irregularly. There was also a feeling that everyone around is observing me and criticising me. My friends noticed the change and took me to a psychologist.

I failed in two subjects. In disgrace and humiliation my condition deteriorated. I had palpitition and could not sleep at night. My mother returned in March. She took me to the same psychologist. He prescribed some medicines for three months and suggested my mother to arrange a marriage for me. He also asked to put me in complete relaxation. He told that if I get a friend such as a wife my condition will improve.

In the next two months, my condition improved. I was married in June, 2007 with the expense of my father.
Both I and my wife were unaware at that time that the intention of my parents was to improve my mental health. Although I told my wife that I was mentally sick before marriage, she took me as a normal person as my condition was lot better. By the end of July, I became completely well. I love my wife and she loves me dearly and she is happy with me.

I am also happy but still there is a feeling that disturbs me that I don’t worth all of these. Once my father was angry with me for a certain matter and told me that I don’t worth any girl, had they not arranged the marriage for me I could not marry anyone by myself. This came as a shock for me. Ever since I cannot comfortably enjoy my family life. My father holds me responsible for the mental illness I suffered.

I have all the rights but I feel them granted, like I don’t deserve them! I am in debt for all of these to my parents! All my pleasures of my family life are permitted, not personal!

I make love with my wife, I adore my kids, still I feel the lack of personal freedom and right in it. Was a marriage absolutely necessary for my cure of mental illness? Could it be healed through medicines and other therapy? How much responsible was I for my mental illness?

Hello and thank you for your question:

I must confess, I don’t know a lot about your culture, only what my patients from your country have told me. I do know that mental health is looked upon as a weakness, but here in America, we have done a lot of research that has proven that it is NOT a weakness, but a real chemical problem.

It is NOT true that you don’t deserve your wife and children. It is also NOT true that your illness is your fault. However, it could be true that you were very stressed and staying up too many hours studying that you became exhausted. If you were drinking a lot of coffee and playing video games as well, that will make you lose sleep, become agitated and very difficult to live with. You can have a physical collapse, which will affect your mental health.

Your doctor may have been right in recommending that you get married. It may not have “cured” your mental illness, but you certainly did get a lot better, didn’t you? It would seem that not only did you get your health back, but got a wonderful family in the process. 

Be thankful for your loving family. Your parents obviously wanted what was best for you.

Was the marriage necessary? Maybe not, but with all honesty, there is no reason for you to feel guilty about how your life changed for the better.  Be happy with what you have been blessed with. You are a fortunate man.

I hope this helps,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

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