Ultimatum Archives

I met my friend seven years ago and six months after we started dating. The romantic relationship lasted a year. We were fairly serious (engaged) but I ended the relationship because i didn’t think we were compatible. We remained Platonic friends for the next 5 years.

He did not have any serious relationship during this time and expressed a desire to get back together, but not within the last year of our friendship. during this time I have had one four year relationship, which ended, and I am currently in a one year relationship with a man I live with. My friend was also friends with the man I am seeing now (through me).

My friend met a new girl who he had previously dated for 2 years 10 years ago. They reunited and started dating. He told her about our friendship, and that we used to date and are only friends now, and that we have been only friends for five years. She said this made her uncomfortable, but he continued to “hang out” with me. He suggested to her that she and I meet or go on a double date, but she refused to meet me and my boyfriend, saying she wasn’t ready.as they became more serious (they’ve been together 7 months)

She gave him an ultimatum to stop being my friend, 4 months into their reltionship. He explained this to me and has ignored my emails/calls. He has not contacted me in anyway, except once to tell me that “he doesn’t know what to do” that he’ll “never meet anyone like me again” but that he “loves her” he agrees that she is being unfair, but chooses her. I don’t know what I should do, but I miss my best friend a lot. we were very close.Should I stop trying to contact him?

Hello, and thanks for your question.

It sounds like you are hurting from this whole thing, and that he means more to you than you thought. Unfortunately, your friend’s new girlfriend has figured out something that’s pretty common—that it’s extremely hard for men and women to just be friends. She feels threatened by you and the relationship you had with him.

It also sounds like this girlfriend is important to him, or he wouldn’t have cut you off. Seven months is really not very long in a relationship and if it is to survive, he probably should avoid spending time with you. That is very painful, but most relationships never make it past the honeymoon phase and that’s about 2 years.

If his relationship lasts through this period and beyond, he might be able to pick up the friendship where the two of you left off, but in all fairness, he has left it completely up to her to decide. As you said, he chose her to be his girlfriend so he has to remain true to her.

If you continue to try contacting him, you will likely only alienate him further. Respect his boundaries and his wishes if you truly care for him. Let him have some space. He certainly won’t forget you.

Best of luck,

Dr. Diana Walcutt

I’m divorced (6 years now) and dating a divorced man who seems to be a pretty great guy. However, I have some reservations.

My SO is 11 years my senior, and was married for 17 yrs before having an affair with a woman 20 yrs his junior. He volunteered this information, saying he wanted me to know upfront. While I find it problematic, I empathize with the fact that his wife had denied him sex for over 2 years and that his daughter was co-sleeping with him and his wife all of her life at this point (7 yrs).

What I am having a harder time letting go of, is the possibility that he has some kind of White Knight Syndrome, or that I have reason to be threatened by this younger woman. Following the breakup of his marriage, she moved in with him and lived, rent-free, a year. He says that after a few months, the relationship became one of friendship, as she wanted to date other people. However, she never paid rent. Following his move to another state, she asked if she could come live with him. He agreed, and she moved into his new home. Again, they began a relationship, but progressed into a friendship. She continued to live off of him, rent-free, for 4 years.

She moved away one year ago. They remain friends. She does occasionally text him and he told me as much. She contacted him when she saw (Facebook) that he was in a relationship with me, telling him she was happy for him. A few days later, she called him, telling him her BF broke up with her, but now wanted to talk to her…and she didn’t know what to do. He thinks this is harmless, if victim-like, I see it as manipulative.

Her paintings still decorate his home, although he says this is because he just hasn’t thought to replace them with anything. I have no reason to think he has seen her since dating me, or anything like that. I am disinterested in banning him from talking to her or anything juvenile like that, but I did tell him that I did tell him that situation made me feel insecure.

He and I have dated for 3 months. We see each other 2-3x a week. He has told me he loves me, and he is supportive, nurturing.

Set clear boundaries with him. Explain that it is hurtful to you, that this need of hers has a history that has continually pulled him in, and that this isn’t what you want in a relationship. Make this very clear. Explain this is not okay, that it isn’t a gesture of support or help on his part as much as it is her inability to manage on her own, and that it smacks of manipulation. Make this simple for him. This is only a three month relationship and you setting very clear boundaries now is important. Explain that he is welcome to help her, but that this will directly influence how and if you relate to him.

Not to do this now would give a complicit endorsement to him — not at all what you want to do.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Ultimatum

My Longtime Friend Is Ending Our Relationship

Worried Partner Has White Knight Syndrome