Uncontrollable Fear Archives

First of all, sorry for my bad english. I’ll get straight to the problem, I think I have depression or something similar. I always feel bad and I think of hurting myself a lot, I’m always depressed and I cry for no reason, I’m always tired and I don’t enjoy doing what I did before. I’ve tried telling my parents about the problem but they laugh it off and at this point I’m too afraid to tell them because they will either scream at me or just put me down. I think this depression started from the age of 8-9. It was at that time when my mom divorced with my dad and they got separate lives. I ended up being with my mom and she also got a man with who she married later on (I think this is where the problem starts). My stepdad turned out to be a drunkard, he would always drink and scream at my mother, my mom is pretty strong so she would always shout too. My parents were fighting everyday, they would always ignore me and I was always alone, I started crying a lot because they were fighting everyday and i couldn’t stand it. I also remember how my stepdad beat me once for crying..but i was 10 years old…why? I tried not to be in my parents way so i studied and did everything by myself. At school I always seem happy and all my classmates say that I’m really cheerful and that I always smile (actually I don’t…I feel painful inside but I can’t tell them because I’m embarrassed of my family and I’m also scared to bring friends home). When I reached 15, I finally thought that I got a good friend who will understand me, but she just ditched me and left me alone. At this point I’m scared to make friends and I cry everyday and I feel really bad. My health isn’t good either, I had 3 surgeries (I wont type them here because it wont fit) so whenever I feel pain, I just endure it, I’m used to it…I think everyday why am I here? Why was I born? I know that a lot of people have it worse and my friends would laugh at me… but at this point… I have no support, no one believes me. Please help (age16, from Estonia).

I’m sorry that things have been so painful for you for so long. There is a chance that you could be depressed, but you have good reason to be. It is important that you find some help and support somewhere. If you have tried talking with your parents about your struggles and they laugh at you, it is time to find another trusted adult who you can confide in. Please consider speaking with a teacher, your school counselor or nurse, your doctor, an adult friend of the family, or another family member. I’m not sure what your relationship is with your biological father but can you speak to him about your home situation and how miserable you feel? Hopefully someone can help you get in touch with a mental health professional, but you also might be able to do this on your own. In our country, teens of a certain age can seek some counseling even without parent permission.

I also think you need to try harder to make friends and reach out to them. Don’t worry so much about being judged or not understood. Everyone has problems and needs support. Maybe if you extend trust to someone, they will in turn confide in you as well. But also, don’t let one or two broken friendships keep you from trying again. Teenage relationships can be very fluid… so your best bet is to learn to ride the waves rather than just give up.

You’ve been through a lot of stressful things and I hope that you find some support soon. Things will get better and you will eventually be able to choose your own living situation as well as who you spend time with. In the meantime, reach out and do your best to surround yourself with positive people.

All the best,

Dr. Holly Counts

This is a very, very, very long-winded story. I’m going to keep it as short and sweet as possible. My girlfriend and I have been dating for 2.5 years and we love each other very very much. In the beginning of our relationship, we participated in various forms of outercourse, none though that involved being naked. After the beginning phase of our relationship died down a bit, so did the constant fooling around, which was fine with me. We still would every week or so, both of us living with our parents made it a bit difficult, etc.

Fast-forward a bit now, and we are both in college. We go to separate schools, but see each other 5 days a week. Now with me having my own dorm room and such, we have a bit more freedom. This is where the issue comes in. We have only really been able to fool around a bit twice, with almost 6 months of separation between the two times. The reason is after our first time of fooling around, my girlfriend spent the next month in crippling anxiety about being pregnant. Even after her period came, she still was terrified that she was somehow pregnant. Note: she was on the pill, and I did not orgasm near her vagina. This fear causes her not only to not want to fool around, but also rarely have any sexual desires, such as dry humping, etc.

She NEVER, I mean EVER wants to have children. Being a mother is not, will not, and never has been for her. I don’t feel quite as strongly, but I don’t have any real desire for children either.

The issue is we both are ready to have sex. We love each other, trust each other, and feel as though as a couple, we are ready. The issue is she feels this uncontrollable fear of sex. No matter want, even though we plan to use pill+condom+pullout (statistics on the chance are incredibly minute), she still is terrified. She knows this fear is irrational, and she absolutely hates it. She knows she shouldn’t have this fear as strong as she does, and she feels totally debilitated by it.

I try my best to be supportive. I try not to pressure her, to not bring up things like sexual desires to often, and to be as supportive and understanding as I can. It just is very frustrating at times being so sexually and physically attracted to her, coupled with deep and intense desires of passion and intimacy, and her not being able to give that back due to her fear. We both want to be together very badly, but the fear is really hurting that.

I know 2 things many people say, and that don’t help. One is the married thing. I am going to be in college for 7 more years. I refuse to get married while in college. So please, do not say marriage, because also that doesn’t address the fear. The second is her talking to a therapist. She does not have the income or insurance to afford it.

We were on the phone today, and she was crying and so upset, and I felt terrible that I couldn’t say or do anything to help. Please provide any help if you can, thank you.

It can be a very difficult thing to have such a monumental issue as a roadblock to intimacy. But I applaud your sensitivity and caring. No matter how the solution presents itself your warm attention to your girlfriend can only help.

But I am afraid I am going to disappoint you at some level, because while I would not encourage you to get married as a solution, I would have to say that ongoing therapy is where the real promise is for change. There are blogs about tocophobia (fear of pregnancy) as well as information about a possible differential label genophobia, fear of sex, but it appears you have both done your homework on the symptoms. The real struggle is working through the issue, and (here comes the disappointing part) therapy is the clear option.

But money might not be the barrier you believe it is. As she is in college the university should be well equipped to cope with her needs. The counseling divisions of most universities have very experienced therapists used to dealing with issues of sex and intimacy. Additionally, The National Organization for Women has chapters in nearly every county in every state and you can access your area by simply putting in your zip code. If she contacts them (and she should rather than you) they can direct her to the closest women’s center. Both colleges and women’s centers have support groups and therapists offering therapy for little or no fee.

But the big-ticket item here is your support: It is priceless.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

Uncontrollable Fear

I Think that I Am Depressed

Fear of Sex? Or Tocophobia?