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I need to help my brother

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

From Lebanon: i dont know how to start and to tell u the truth im a little pessimistic now.im 22 my brother is 25 and he is diagnost with bipolar syndrom.but the problem nothing we do is helping,he dont get out of his room,hes afraid to do that,when hes out he thinks that evrybody’s pointing at him so he will get mad and start to yell,hes often saying that he hears voices or that somebody is whispering in his ear,he often wakes up scared or have bad dream.at one point he was very dangerous,5 years ago he used to scream indoors ,throw things in the house,threat me and my parents,he even started working with bad sporits,but now thank to god hes not doing it anymore.hes been to therapits,psychatrists,psychologs but no one seems to know what he has,they can all diagnos and give him pills.Well the pills helped to be calm and relaxed,but didnt help him to move on with his life,or let him think to have a job,ahd get a life.HES afraid to do that,and hes even not happy about it ,he wants help but i dont think were being able to do that,although my parents did their best and still doing it.,this last doc is going to give him seraquel,and hes even treating him with neadles…but till now no change,hes only been with him for like a 3 months maybe.MY brother needs help.We tried everyone,priests,elders,psycholigists,psychyatrits,,,, and still no use.HES 25 years old ,when is he going to h ave a normal life.he doesnt have a job,hes depending pn my parents till when,,,??? in shi condition he cant work.,I dont know if writting here is going to help me but franctly im kinda hoping u can help me even though im in the other way of the world.PLEASE HELP

Your brother is a lucky man to have a family that loves him and wants so much to help him. You already know that your brother is seriously mentally ill. He probably does need the medications that his psychiatrist is prescribing. Unfortunately, I don’t know anything about the services available in your country. All I can tell you is what I would suggest to someone in the U.S. and hope that it is somewhat useful to you.

My first concern would be whether your brother is accurately telling his psychiatrist about how he behaves and what he feels. If he will let you, I suggest you accompany him to his appointments and ask that you be allowed to share your observations with his doctor for at least part of his session. The remainder of the session is for his private conversation with the doctor. I also suggest that you and your family start some family therapy or get involved in a support group for family members of people with severe and persistent mental illness. Having a family member who is so ill is very, very stressful on any family. A therapist or a support group will give you all both support and some practical advice for how to handle your brother so his illness doesn’t tear up your family. A family therapist may want to include him in some of your sessions together to help him accept your help.

Finally, I don’t know if there are any community services available in your country for people like your brother. At least in some parts of the U.S., there are staffed group residences and work programs that serve those with severe mental illness. When someone doesn’t respond optimally to treatment, such programs can at least give the person a home, meaningful work, and the “safety net” of staff who make sure they get to their appointments and live a reasonably safe life.

I’m very sorry that I can’t be more specifically helpful. Perhaps your brother’s psychiatrist can give you and your family some guidance about what services are available in your own country.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Don’t Love My Mom

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Raised by my mother, so she was obviously always working trying to support us. There are only a few memories I have of her and none of them are pleasant. She was mean, verbally abusive and on occasion physically abusive. She always had a boyfriend around, some were abusive as well. I was exposed to a lot of sexual activity through them or on television, I was molested by her bfs daughter (I was 7 she was 13). I was constantly alone. I always watched them fight and yell. I never felt loved by her. We never hug, kiss or say I love you. I hated her for years, and now I’m just indifferent. It makes me squirm to think about her, or to get to know her, to hear about other really good mom and daughter relationships. The thought of hugging her gives me anxiety. I don’t like the sound of her voice and now when she says I love you, I hate it. I can barely stand to be around her for only a little while.

I love my grandma, she has always been kind and affectionate. My best friends mom does all the i love you’s, I’m proud of you, hugs and kisses to me. To me, she is my “should have been mom.” At first I was weirded out by the kisses, hugs were okay, but now I don’t mind them so much.

Will time heal my wounds? Therapy? Is it a lost cause to even try? Why can’t I love my mom?

Sadly, not every person gets a mother who knows how to be a mom. Yours clearly didn’t know how to protect you or love you as she should. Apparently the best she could do was to keep a roof over your head and provide for you. That’s not nothing, but it wasn’t enough. It has left you with an emotional hole you are trying to fill.

But — you have been lucky enough to have alternate mothers. Your grandmother and your friend’s mom can fill the emotional needs your mother can’t handle. In psychology, we call such people “benevolent witnesses.” They are people who provide a positive experience of a loving relationship when a parent can’t or won’t do it. They become the source of loving interest and care in the present and a beacon for how to be a good parent in the future. You have not one, but two such women in your life. This is a gift!

I’m not sure you’ll ever be able to love your mom. You may be able to figure out what made it so hard for her to be a better mother. You may be able to forgive her for not doing better. You may be able to thank her for what she was able to do in spite of her own challenges. Your compassion and appreciation are the kind of love you can give her honestly.

Meanwhile, you don’t have to look far for the kind of motherly love or mother-daughter relationship you seek. You already have them in your grandmother and your friend’s mom.

I think therapy could help you feel okay about the limits of your relationship to your biological mother and would help you embrace the mothering that is available to you.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I Never Feel Good Enough

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Hello, first of all I’m going to thank you for taking time to read my story. I’m 14. I wil start off by saying that my parents are divorced. I go one week with my m an other week with my dad. When I was little my parents used to fight, Horible fights, when I close my eyes I can hear them telling at each other, other than yelling at them selves my mom used to yell at me, to the point where she went pysco. Se kicked things,pulled my hair, throw things, said things to me that still hurt when I remember them. I grew like that all the time. When my patents fought I would be in my room crying my eyes out. Time went by and my dad got tired of being in that situation so he divorced my mom, he said it was the best I was 7 at the moment.

I agreed that it was the best things to do so I don’t have to hear them fight al the time. My mom made this insane lie that she couldn’t feel part of her face because of all the stress , she blamed my dad for everything. My mom and me were renting an apartment with her cousin and it was fine, my dad had an apartment as well but by himself. My mom met this guy and they’re married now, I should be happy but I’m not.. I accepted him though. Sometimes she wanted me to go to his house to get to meet him but I didn’t want to do she went into a phyco mood and started yelling and yelling, I ddnt get why ? It was her life not mine.. When I get mad I tend to cry. I dont yell or anything I keep everything inside and cry as my way to express how I feel. I ended up going and it always was like that.

My mom always wants everything her way she doesn’t care of anyone who she stomps on to get why she wants. I was 11 at this point, my dad didn’t like the guy my mom married and he still doesnt. Me and my mom are in a fight right now she kicked me out of the house and told me horrible things and that I’m not a good daughter. I think she’s not the best mom either,

I always try to be the daughter she wants.. Im never good enough. I close my eyes and I can remember all I went through. Her words buzz around my head, I think I’m marked forever.. I’m scared of her. My dad is the only person there for me he listens to me and he’s the best person in the world. One day my mom was angrily brushing my hair pulling my hair back into a pony tail and she hit me with the brush I turned around and she tried to hit me again but I grabbed her arm and pushed her back, my mind went black, I couldn’t take it anymore I felt like I wasnt thinking I just reacted, I don’t even want to remember what happens after that, I keep so much inside I don’t tell anyone, I can’t trust anyone.

In school I’m smart I have good grades and I’m trying to get into a good college but I have self confidence issues and really low self esteem. IM NOT GOOD ENOUGH. Everything is wrong with me. My mom told me I was fat. I believed it everyday I looked at te mirror and hated my self my mind was devestated. I’m putting this out here at 1:40am because as I’m laying in my bed those moment go thought my head and they hurt me, in so many ways. Please help me.

Thank you so much for writing. Your letter is an important step in your own healing. It shows me that you know in your heart that you didn’t deserve the treatment you had from your mom when you were little and you don’t deserve it now. Now we need to help you get your head in line with your heart.

You’re just like any other kid. You want your mother to love you. You long for her approval. You hope you will find some little thing that you can do to convince her to love you as a mother should.

I’m very sorry to have to tell you that it’s unlikely you will get what you are longing for. I can’t offer you an explanation for your mother’s behavior since I don’t have enough information. But from what you say, she has never been able to put other people’s needs ahead of her own, even her own child’s. She doesn’t give you love and comfort because she can’t. If a well is dry, it can’t give you water. At some point, it only makes sense to be sad about it but to go looking for another well.

In your case, you are lucky. There really are other “wells” of love available to you. Your dad is there for you. I’m guessing your teachers also think you’re smart and promising. At 14, you’ve grown up enough to know that you can survive without your mother’s care. You do need love but you don’t need hers. It’s time to do the grieving that comes with that realization and to reach out to others for the emotional and physical support a young girl needs and deserves.

Please ask yourself why you are choosing to believe your mom over your dad. You yourself call your mom “Psycho” but then you let her opinion take over the good opinions of your dad, your teachers, and even yourself. Open your mind and your heart to the people who really do think you are quite good enough as you are. They are right. Your mother isn’t.

It might be helpful for you to find a therapist to help you make the shift. Giving up on your mother won’t be easy after so many years of longing. To let yourself feel good about yourself is to give up on the argument you’ve been having with your mother. You really don’t need to convince her of a thing if you can embrace the reality that you are a good, smart, insightful, and attractive person. On some level, you already know that. But it just might be helpful to have a therapist help you connect with what you know is true.

As you enter your teens, it is a good time to do this work. A strong self-esteem will help you better manage the high school social scene and relationships. Appreciating your own talents and intelligence will let you do well in school. With a foundation of self-respect, you’ll be better able to have the future you deserve.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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suicidal & completely alone now

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

hi,
I’m 16. i’ve been through a lot in my life. i’ve been in and out of the hospital for a heart condition, shocked 4 times by my defibrillator, burglarized, verbally bullied, watched my friend die of an overdose and even molested by my father at age 10. i’ve also been struggling with bulimia for about a year and a half. it’s to the point of where it’s compulsive and my throat is sore and raw.

i’ve been in and out of the hospitals for wanting to kill myself and i’m in a psychiatrists care. i’m on pills, and in therapy. i thought what i was doing would help but i’m getting nowhere and the only reason i’m still alive is because of my mom. i love her dearly and the guilt would be tremendous.

i have depression, post traumatic stress disorder, anxiety, and insomnia. my mother still talks to my dad about anything and she knows he molested me. she tells me she believes me and at first i was happy to hear that, but actions speak louder than words and i can tell that she doesn’t really believe me. she talks to him as if nothing happened, there is no emotion from her.

i was arguing with her about that last night and how lonely i felt when she said, “you know i still have to talk to him for the finances and we’re always going to be talking and it’s not like he raped you!” i felt this emptiness. it was like the only person i had is gone now. i can’t believe she said that. it’s like she completely disregarded what i went through. i didn’t yell or anything. i just said, you’ll never understand what i’m going through” then i left and went to my room to cry for the night. i don’t have anyone anymore. i have my friends and the therapist,

but none of that matters if i don’t have my mother. i’ve been wanting to kill myself since i was 10 and he touched me. the only reason i didn’t is because of my mother and now i feel that i don’t have any reasons and it’s my time to go. i’m not extremely depressed at the moment. i’m just utterly lonely and feel that is the only way out of this miserable existence. all i have felt in my life is pain.! i want it to stop.

i didn’t know where else to go and i’d like another opinion. i’m scared that the is the only answer and i always said i just want to be fixed, but i know now, i can’t be fixed. i don’t know what to do with myself and i don’t think i can live with myself.

You certainly have been through a lot! With some good help, you’ve been dealing. But you are now feeling betrayed by the mom who has been a major source of support.

I’m going to ask you to give her another chance. Please remember that everything you’ve been through, she has been through too. Moms who love their children suffer when their children suffer. At this point, she may be as emotionally exhausted as you are. She may not be able to take in the full extent of what happened to you and still keep on keeping on.

I hope you will consider asking your therapist to invite your mother in to some of your sessions so you can explain again what happened. With the therapist there to give her – and you – some support, she may be in a better position to hear you. The two of you can then talk about what you need from her during this difficult time.

Please let your therapist help you both heal. This has been a terrible six years! I’m sure you and your mom want to do everything possible to put all the pain behind you so you can enjoy life and each other again.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Son Unsupportive of Dad’s Cohabiting

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My beau and I are both in our late 50s, with two children each. Mine are adults living on their own. He has an adult daughter who lives with her mom ( but sees her dad frequently) and a son still at home, who goes to college. His son does not get along with his mother and he moved in with his father two years ago. The problem: my beau has told his son that we are in love and plan to be married, but circumstances require that I move in before we wed. Three of the four children are OK with this and are supportive. The son, who is really the only child left at home, refuses to consider this. He says he will move out if I move in. He is angry about it. (the other three are girls, if that matters). He has been supportive of the romance, saying that his dad is “nicer” to him and “doesn’t yell as much” because he is happy with me. (My beau is a quiet, kind introvert who doesn’t yell.)This young man is 20. We want to move ahead with our plans but also want the son to be comfortable with everything and NOT move out. We both want him to remain in the home with us. Any advice would be very welcome. Thank you.

I have to admit I’m confused. Why is it so important for this young man to be comfortable with your choices and to continue to live with you? He’s 20! He’s in college. He’s grown up. It’s a good idea for him to get uncomfortable living at home. Otherwise, why would he ever leave?

I suspect he doesn’t like your plans because it will disrupt his life some. He’s got a good thing going in his all-male household. Forgive the stereotyping, but women generally like a neater environment. If that is true of you, he’s going to have to mind his manners, pick up his socks, and be generally more considerate if you’re around on a daily basis. Furthermore, the last time he lived with a mom, it didn’t work out so well for him. (I’d be curious about why he left his mom’s house. It’s at least possible that she was making reasonable demands on him that he didn’t like. You might want to hear her out at some point.)

I don’t think it is at all wise for you and your beau to let this overgrown kid hold your life hostage to his demands. It gives him far too much say in his father’s life and yours. You two are in your 50s. You are lucky to find each other. Don’t waste time dickering with the boy. Next time he “threatens” to leave, just say something like, “Well – that would be too bad but of course at your age that’s your choice to make,” and help him pack.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why Does Every Little Thing Get To Me?

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

It seems like for the last couple of years (or somewhere around that margin) I’ve been having problems with just letting things go or mentally getting over something. For example, yesterday, I was in a book store, walking up to the counter, when I felt something hit my back. I looked down, and it was some kind of children’s rubber toy, and there was a stand near me that it could have fell off of if I bumped into it. However, I didn’t notice any such thing on the stand, and it landed on my back…

What I’m getting at is, is that I began to ponder that there’s a good chance someone had thrown it at me. I looked around, and saw no obvious suspects, so there was pretty much nothing I could do. I gave the lady at the counter my book (my Dad was with me and he payed for it) and he drove me home. No big deal, right? Everyday little thing… But then I thought about all the things I could have done, like yell for whoever threw it, or shown some kind of anger, or even gone as far to consider asking the lady at the counter to run through security tapes to get a positive I. D. on the thrower to exact a plot of revenge at the time of my choosing. And it really bugged me, and I knew I could never go back, and if someone had thrown it, they had the better end of me. They won. I lost. I felt like a coward, and I began to re-enact things I could have done differently in my room, imagining them to have happened or that by simply saying or doing something in my room, it would somehow make me come out on top.

Then, I said things to myself like, “It’s okay, I was just showing that they’re not worth my time.” to give myself a reason to not have done anything at the time. I feel like this problem, which is growing worse at a rapid pace in my life, is affecting me mentally and clogging my mental process and emotional state, which could have something to do with my severe apathy. Any help on this issue would be greatly appreciated.

I agree with you that this is a problem. I would categorize your reaction to the situation you described as inappropriate. It is normal to consider the possibilities of what happened to you in the store. After your analysis of the situation you could not determine what had happened. Given the facts, as you have described them, the only rational conclusion for anyone in that situation would be, they simply don’t know what happened. After they came to that conclusion they would have forgotten about it. You did not forget about it. You could not let it go. It became your primary focus. At first, you considered the possibility of an accident. You quickly abandoned that possibility and fixated on the idea that it was done on purpose. These feelings are paranoid in nature.

Paranoid personality disorder is a mental health condition in which an individual is highly distrustful of other people. They suspect that others are out to get them. Their distrust and suspiciousness can sometimes lead to anger. The anger can sometimes lead to violence. If someone believes that others are out to get them or trying to “one up” them, then this can lead an individual to feel angry and to seek revenge. This may be what you are experiencing. Based on your belief that someone had purposefully thrown a toy at you in a bookstore, you thought of plotting a way to seek revenge. If you’d like to read more about this disorder please click here.

I would highly recommend evaluation and treatment. I cannot be certain if you have paranoid personality disorder; only an in-person evaluation could accurately determine that or any other diagnosis. I believe it is important that you receive objective feedback about how you are perceiving your life situations. As you mentioned at the end of your letter, this problem is not going away and is becoming worse. It is leading you to other distressful feelings and symptoms, all of which need to be evaluated.

Therapy may be difficult for an individual if they have paranoid feelings. I believe that you would benefit from counseling if you were willing to try it. Here is a link to therapists in your area. I wish you well. Thanks for your question.

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My Husband Is Addicted to Pills

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My husband and I have been together since we were very young. Me 16, him 19. We are now 27 and 30 and have a 3yr old and 9month old. When we were younger, we pretty much did every drug imaginable together. I “grew up” and got over all that and he still has an addiction to pills, which didn’t start until about 4 years ago. He likes pain pills and xanex. But really he’ll snort whatever pill he can get his hands on. We have been going back and forth with this for 4 long years now. I’m at my witts end. It’s becoming clear to me by the things he says, “I can’t believe you won’t even let me do a xanex” that this is never going to change. He’s yet to seek professional help of any kind but has successfully quit the addiction to pain meds several times of the course of this 4 year period which I know for sure because I make him take drug tests. After about 4 months of being clean recently, he has come home high the last 3 days in a row. He’s a super great father to our children (and honestly he’s “better” when he’s high because the pills give him energy) and he supports us wholey on his own. He’s what you’d call a functioning addict. He is going to start seeing a drug counselor this week so we’ll see where this goes but I just don’t know what to do. I know with an addict, it’s a life long issue…no matter how long they’ve been clean. I used to always yell and scream at him and threaten to leave but I had a revelation in the recent months that I need to be supportive of him and try to help him instead of making myself so closed off. However, this isn’t helping either. It’s still the same stuff. What should I do. I’m considering divorce but I don’t just want to give up on him. I know his addiction is doing this and he trys so hard, but always falls back into it.

Neither one of you can go this alone. Sadly, the addiction is part of the fabric of your relationship. You both need counseling and support if things are going to change. I’m concerned that he is “better” when high. It’s possible that part of what drives the addiction is an undiagnosed or undertreated depression. If that’s the case, it’s important for him to deal directly with the depression as part of his treatment.

I also encourage the two of you to find an addictions counselor who is trained in couples therapy as well. (Not all addictions counselors are.) With 10 years and two children between you, I do think it’s worth taking a few months to see if you can work out a way to keep the family together while your husband explores why his habit is so important to him that he would risk losing his family rather than get into recovery.

You might personally find it helpful to talk to the folks at ProjectKnow.com This is a program that supports families of addicts. They run a 24/7 hotline at 866-531-8636.

Thank you for writing. Having gotten past the anger, you are in a good position to try becoming part of the treatment team.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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My mom is tearing our family apart

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

My family has had issues through out the the years, but they have steadaly gotten worse. My mother has always had a temper and yells at me and my siblings. she blames this on her past and basicly anything that she can get ahold of to yell at us. My mom even goes as far as to start fights over something that happened over fifteen years ago with my dad, in witch she starts throwing things (ie plates, peanut butter jars, lamps, ) at us and threataning to hurt herself the fights normally end up with mom leaving with rope or a knife to a hotel. Me and my sister cant even do anything about it because if we even try to talk to her she explodes on us and the whole episode is re-created except with one of us in the view.

My mother has tried to kill herself at least two times… the last time i was left to find her hanging from the banester. The fights normally mean my sister and i get dragged into the fights and end up having to pick sides. Because of the fighting (and my constant wish to stay out of it) Mom and i have had our relationship dwindle. Dad always picks mom (not wanting to make her mad) and that leaves me and my sister to fend for ourselves. However my parents have been taking the side of my sister (who is also my twin) on everything, and to this day i will be called fat, ugly, stupid, a moron, ect, whale my dad and my sister just watch. i can hardly eat anything anymore without being called fat, or something of the like.

Honestly this is my last hope. i have talked to my mothers docters before and they say that i am just being childish and am seeing things from a teens perspective.. its gotten to the point where it would seem its normal for these things to happen

Well, it’s not normal. It’s terrifying. Whatever happened in her past does not give your mother license to hurt her children. No kid should be constantly worried about what she’ll find when she opens a door in her home.

Your mother sounds seriously mentally ill. Your dad sounds either overwhelmed or in denial. He and your sister are just keeping their heads down so they won’t be targeted. Instead, he should be your ally and he should be getting his wife some serious help.

I’m sorry your mom’s doctors have written off your reports as teen drama. Do try again. But this time, get an adult to help you. If your dad won’t cooperate, please talk to a trusted relative, teacher or your school nurse or guidance counselor. They may be able to help your dad know who to contact and how to get good help. If that doesn’t work, consider staying with a relative for awhile to get yourself out of the way of your mom’s anger.

I know this is really, really hard to do. But I hope you can keep the perspective that you are not responsible if your mother succeeds in committing suicide. Her problems are bigger than you can handle on your own. As much as you love her, you can’t give her the professional help she needs. Your dad and her doctors need to do what they can to take charge to avoid a tragedy.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Boyfriend refuses counseling and says it’s really me who needs to go

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have been with my current boyfriend for 6 yrs. I have one son from a previous marriage and he has two sons also and I am currently pregnant. Our relationship has been extremely difficult over the years and now I feel like I am at an impasse and have told him that unless he seeks counseling I am going to have to leave him, which he refuses to do saying that I am really the problem with everything and its really myself who needs counseling.

He has been in court ordered therapy a number of times getting a variety of diagnoses from bipolar to uncategorized psychotic i have had a restraining order on him previously do to his inability to control himself to the point he has become physically abusive, at which point a requested the prosecutor out him in mental health court so he could have a chance to get some help. Through this he says that he was told that he is fine and has no problems, and while he hasn’t been physically violent he remains controlling and inconsistent with his behavior and emotions.

He will follow me in his car and bring his kids into the college I attend to see if I’m sitting by other males. Sometimes everything can be great, but as soon as I start to be happy or think about a future with him he will accuse me of lying or bring up some situation from years ago and demand a detailed recollection. Aside from this when he has his kids he will yell and swear at them and at me or his mother while they are around and not put them to bed until 1 in the morning or later, at times driving them out to my house in the middle of the night if we are arguing.

I’ve told him the past couple months that for our relationship to go anywhere he needs counseling and medication because until he can control himself I feel as though I’m in a perpetual state of chaos never knowing how to feel or whether its a good idea to be around him. He will argue to the point of exhausting me and then demand to confront me in person to ague more, not letting me sleep or be alone.

Then he often acts as though nothing has ever happened and gets angry when I try to explain his behavior effects people and hurts them. I know things won’t change because I’ve been waiting 6 years, and I feel if I were to advance the relationship and move in with him or marry him (which is what he thinks will make everything better) I will be putting myself in a dangerous situation. I know when he’s gone to therapy in the past he lies or minimalizes the things he’s done, and often blames me. I know he is capable of being a very kind good person and father because I’ve seen him do it, but it’s always short lived and can change as fast as flipping a switch.

I want to be able to have a family with him and a life but it seems almost impossible given the circumstances. I’m not sure anymore what to say to him or how to get him to see that we could all have a better life if he acknowledged his behavior and tried to change it, and I don’t know if I can. Trying to leave him is painful and long and I usually have to call the police at some point to keep him away from me and I just want to know if there is anything else I can do before I have to go down that road again.

What you are describing is domestic violence. There is little likelihood that your boyfriend will change. Arguing with him to get into counseling is pointless. If he doesn’t see the need himself, he won’t get anything out of treatment.

The person you can do something about is you. Get yourself into some therapy right away. You deserve to have the support and advice of someone who can help you keep a grip on the reality of the situation. You are not safe. It would be a huge mistake to marry this man. A therapist will help you figure out how to take care of yourself and provide for your children.

The Women’s Resource Center in your city is a good place for you to start to get good help. Call the hotline at 800-554-4972. One-on-one support is available free of charge. Group counseling would provide you with the opportunity to talk with other women like yourself who are struggling to separate from someone they love who doesn’t know how to love them and their children.

You made a very important first step in writing to us here at LifeHelper. Please take the next step and contact the Center. If you can’t do it for yourself at first, do it for your kids. None of you deserve to be treated this way. All of you deserve to feel safe in your own home.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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I don’t know why I’m so angry

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

hi im not sure what is wrong with me and it really concerns me. i get angry and annoyed very quickly about small things and i try not to but it takes control over me and i dont know what to do. i yell at my son that is 2years old and i hate myself for that cause he doesnt know better. i get very angry or aggervated at my boyfriend alot on the smallest things like if he goes to the store without me and forgets something that i asked him to get.

i dont know if its because i am constanly stuck in the house 24/7 with my two boys(2years old and 8 month old) i have not been away from them from the day they were born. i just really need help i dont know what is wrong with me sometimes i feel like disapperaring for a couple of days but i know i cant run away or leave cause i have two boys that i love so much and will never leave. i even get thoughts of my boyfriend cheating on me. he did it for the first 4 years of our relationship and said it was only cause he was in jail for 5 years before we meet and he lost out on part of his life. he said he was over it and wasnt doing it anymore i believe him but then i get these thoughts that are constantly on my mind.

please help me i dont know what to do anymore i want to be a better mother to my boys and a better gf but i just feel down all the time and dont want to do anything.

I am so very glad you wrote. The time to get help is when problems like this start. You’re right to be concerned about the effect of your mood on your boys. They need you to be as stable and loving as you can be.

I am concerned about you. It’s possible that you are experiencing some postpartum depression. Your younger child is only 8 months old. Although it used to be thought that postpartum depression showed up in the first weeks after a baby is born, recent research opens the window for developing it to 6 months to a year. Pediatricians often don’t recognize it because they are focused on the health of the baby and because the mothers feel so bad about their irritability they often don’t report it. Please go back to your OB-GYN for an honest talk about how you’ve been feeling.

On the other hand, you may have a huge case of what my grandmother used to call “cabin fever.” During long winters in the old days, people were stuck in their homes/cabins for months at a time. Close quarters, boredom, and the usual everyday conflicts of life would get to people and they’d end up fighting and brawling and generally feeling terrible. You may not be brawling, but you sure do feel boxed in.

As much as we love our kids, the conversation with little ones is, shall we say, kind of limited. As much as we care for them, they can’t be expected to take care of us. It’s a one-way street for quite awhile. Smiles and coos and childhood play are all wonderful but they’re not the same as someone bringing us a cup of tea and saying, “So — how are you?” and really wanting to listen.

The best cure for what ails you is other parents. There’s nothing quite so relieving as talking to other moms who have kids who are at the same age and stage. Please look into your local churches and human service organizations to see if there is a parent drop-in center or parent support group where you and the kids can go at least once a week. The 2-year-old needs to begin learning how to have friends. And it sounds like you could use a friend or two yourself. Your pediatrician may know where you could find a parent group.

You and your boyfriend also should be talking about how to give you a “mom’s night out” so that you can join a club or go to a gym or just visit with a girlfriend. You need the break. He would benefit too because it would give him personal time with his boys. When men do at least some caregiving for their young children, the kids become more attached to their dads and the dads get more enjoyment from their relationships with their kids.

Please follow up on these suggestions. If you are happier, you and your whole family will benefit.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Why do my parents yell at me?

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I’m 14. My mom and dad yell at me when i am not happy, or i dont smile. I cant do anything to vent so i scream at them and i get into even more trouble. They dont know whats going on with me, in my head and if i try to tell them they get off topic and start yelling at me even more! Then i go to my room to cool down and they bust in and yell at me even more. I dont know what to do to get them to understand im going through a hard time in school and in my life and yelling is just adding to my stress.

When people yell, they usually can’t hear each other! I don’t know why your folks are yelling. Maybe they don’t know how to communicate in any other way. What I do know is that it doesn’t help the situation one bit for you to yell back. You are only adding your noise to their noise and no one hears anyone else.

You can’t make your folks change. You can work on changing yourself. And you know what? Often when one person in a family makes a consistent change, over time other people start to change too. Even if that doesn’t happen, you need to find better ways to cope and to manage conflict. Otherwise you are going to take this kind of behavior into your own relationships and repeat the whole thing. You already know what it’s like to be a kid in this kind of family. My guess is that you don’t want to do the same thing to your own kids some day.

So — here’s what I suggest: Something about hearing your problems unhinges your parents. Maybe they can’t stand to see you unhappy. Maybe they don’t know what to do. Maybe it makes them feel like failures. I have no idea. What I do know is that it doesn’t do any good to argue with them. You need to find another way to deal with your problems and manage your stress.

I wonder if there is a relative or another adult friend you can talk to. Many kids your age find that a favorite aunt or grandparent can be really helpful since they understand both the parents’ and the teen’s points of view. No relative? Well – once school starts, you could talk with the school counselor or at least ask where you might find some help. I did an Internet search of your city and found that there are many counseling services that offer help to teens and their families. The school counselor might be able to get your folks to think about doing some family therapy.

Meanwhile, if you need someone to talk to, call the counselors at the Boys and Girls Town Hotline. People are there 24/7 to talk to kids just like you and to help them through the rough spots. Here’s their website.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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Having Issues Concentrating, Being Social and Twitching

by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
written by Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

For the past few years (5-6 years) i have been finding it increasingly hard to make friends and keep them. 2 of my grandparents have died recenently and things seem to have gotten worse. To start, i cant focus in class (before grandparents died)and this has been also getting harder to deal with. As soon as my teachers start talking my brain sort of trails off, it is not just at school, even when im playing video games in the middle of the game my eyes catch onto something and i just stare for a while.

Staying on task is very difficult also…i have to be reminded alot to do chores or tasks and that doesnt make my parents very happy when they have to “repeat themselves again” and when i plead and say i honestly dont remember what they said 3 minutes ago they become furious and yell at me…and that hurts that im trying to tell them that i didnt hear what they said. I have alot of twitching that i do also my feet move without me wanting them to, and i have this thing where i crack my back, then my fingers, then anything else that will pop. My neck also moves to the right alot. I hide it well so no one knows about that. People have also commented on the order and particular ways i do things with my food.

My few friends that i do have think i need to get out of the house more, which i agree upon because im overweight. but i think books are so much better than people…i like staying in my room because no one bothers me there much. whenever i am stationary i feel like my body is all tense because im not moving…i feel this strain to get up and walk around alot. I can only sleep for about 3-4 hours at a time before being awoken also…which sucks because it mkaes me feel tired in the morning. Occasionally at school i have trouble reading the letters p,b,d,q,g, because i get those specific ones mixed up…if you did read this and answer thank you so much for taking time out of your day.

Some of your symptoms may be indicative of Tourette syndrome. Tourette syndrome is a nervous system disorder that often begins between the ages of 7 and 10. It affects males at a higher rate than females. Characteristics of this syndrome include repetitive, involuntary movements and vocalizations (tics).

You mentioned that your neck moves to the right. These involuntary movements of your neck might be the tics that are associated with Tourette syndrome.

Individuals with Tourette syndrome may have co-occurring neurobiological problems including attention problems (attention deficit hyperactivity disorder), obsessive-compulsive disorder symptoms and problems reading, writing and doing basic arithmetic.

Please keep in mind that I can only speculate about your condition. I would need to do a very detailed investigation into your condition to provide a diagnosis. Your symptoms should be evaluated by a professional.

I would strongly urge you to speak to your parents about your symptoms. It is important that they are aware of what you are experiencing. If you think it would help, print out your letter and my response and give it to your parents.

Based on your letter, it seems as though you are withdrawing from friends and becoming isolative. This underscores the importance of bringing this problem to the attention of your parents. The concern is that if the symptoms go untreated, you might continue to suffer. Speaking to your parents would be the best way to avoid that outcome. Good luck. I wish you well.

Dr. Kristina Randle

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My dad abuses me

by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP
written by Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

I have been getting hit by my dad for as long as I can remember. It has been a really long time. He really ruins my life. I am so scared to be in my own house. He abuses me physically and mentally. He punches with full force, he gives me bruises, marks that last until the next day, he hits me with the belt, and today he threatened to break my neck. He almost strangled me. I don’t love him at all. I have no respect for him and he means nothing to me. We don’t have a good relationship, I don’t tell him anything. Even if I don’t do anything wrong he will find a way to make it seem like I did do something wrong and yell and me and hit me. I can’t take it anymore. Last week I almost told my school, I really want to but I’m scared because I still have to deal with living with him until I am a legal adult. I have pictures of it the marks and bruises he has given me. I lock myself in the bathroom whenever I get into fights with him or he hits me. I really don’t know what to do anymore. He scares me more than anything in this world. I don’t even want him to be my dad anymore. He says he wishes I was never born, I’m stupid, I am useless, there is nothing good about me, I am a devil, he wishes he never had me, I am the worst kid out of all 3. He also says “why did god curse me with you”. He really ruins my life. If he weren’t in my life, it would be amazing. I can’t be with him anymore. He is the worst father a kid could have. Please help me.

You are very brave and did the right thing by writing us here. I am so sorry you have to deal with your father’s abuse. You do not have to put up with this. You list your age as 14 and your father should not be beating you and saying these things to you. I believe you that these things are happening and you should know that you are protected by laws in your state if you are being abused and you can contact child protective services directly for help. If you need assistance in doing this you can ask a guidance counselor at your school or a trusted teacher to help you make the call. They are obligated to follow up on helping you when there are clear signs of abuse. Show them the pictures.

Here is the hotline number for your state 800-342-3720 and the link to their website. Know that you do not have to put up with your father’s violence. Talk to someone at your school today.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan

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Teen daughter out of control

by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
written by Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

I have a 16 year old daughter that is having several issues. Recently her mother decided she no longer needed to attend school as she wasn’t passing her class. Her mother informed the school that she would no longer be attending.My 16 year old smokes pot in her room, has male friends over with the door closed and I have suspicions she is having intercourse in her room with her boyfriend. Her curfew is non-existent.

When I try to control the situation I am told that she is just being a teenager and that I need to back off. Once I was away on a trip and my daughter had a party and the police were called to the home. I did not find out until 3 weeks after my trip and I had to hear in from my neighbor. When I did find out I was furious. I did yell and I grounded her but when I did my 23 year old daughter threw me into a computer desk and slapped me in my face. My wife then told me to leave and that she was divorcing me. One other time my 16 year old pushed me down a flight of stairs when I tried to get escort her friends out of the home. That resulted in the threat of divorce once again. But when I refuse to come home my wife threatens suicide.I can’t win for losing here…

My 23 year old lets my 16 year olds boyfriend live at her apartment because he ran away but the kicker is his mom doesn’t care. They tried getting me to allow him to live at our home. So far I have been successful in stopping that from happening but that has driven a wedge further in to the family.

My clothes have been thrown out into the snow and I was told that if I don’t stop yelling I was going to be “taken care of.”

Now, I have talked nice, setup family meetings to go over rules and asked that we all go see someone. They all tell me that I need to just back off and let my 16 year old grow up. Their main problem with me is that I yell about these issues after asking nicely over and over and asking for them to cooperate. I do get very angry but I have never once been physical.

I make a good living but my wife makes sure she transfers my pay into a different account each payday. If I do leave she threatens suicide and my daughters call and text me that they will make my life miserable if I don’t go home to their mother. In other words they will make trouble for me at my place of employment.

Lately I have been feeling paranoid at home when I go to sleep. Leaving aside the doors opening and closing at all hours of the night which really freaks me out, and I know this sounds stupid but maybe my mental state and lack of sleep are getting to me. I just feel threatened all the time but even more so when I go to sleep. Every little noise makes me jump. I feel like I am going to be attacked when I sleep.

I have tried to bend to their way of thinking and how they live life but I just can’t get my mind to go there. I refuse to live in a lawless home with no moral compass but I am trapped by threats of violence, suicide and lack of access to funds.

I have told my wife we are critical and we need serious help but she refuses. I really have no options in this situation. My job is the only thing keeping me sane and if I try and leave my home my job is in jeopardy. I feel like disappearing without a trace is my only option.

You are living in an atmosphere of domestic violence. If the genders were reversed and you were the woman in the situation, help would be more readily available. But violence is violence. You are being physically and emotionally abused. Your wife isn’t partnering with you to raise your daughters. Your daughters have assaulted you. And your wife uses emotional blackmail by threatening suicide to control you. It sounds like you are being bullied by all three women and only valued for your paycheck. It’s no wonder you’re feeling beaten down.

I’m sure the situation is more complicated than you could fully describe in a letter. There may be good reasons why you are convinced you can’t do anything. But I do have a few suggestions for you to consider.
First, if your workplace has an “employee assistance program” (EAP) , you could access some confidential help there. EAP counselors can make some practical suggestions and can refer you to a mental health professional and to a lawyer. I think you need both:

  • You were absolutely correct to suggest to your family that you all need help. But since they won’t go, go yourself. A counselor will help you regain your emotional strength, will give you much needed support, and may well have some ideas for how to bring your family into treatment. If your company doesn’t have an EAP to help you locate a therapist, ask your doctor for a referral.
  • I suggest a lawyer because I think you need to find out what your rights are regarding protection from violence and threats, as well as your rights regarding how your pay is used. There may be a way for you to protect some of your money. If you had a bank account of your own, you wouldn’t feel quite so trapped.

You made an important first step in writing to us at Psych Central. Please now follow through and get the help you need. No one deserves this kind of treatment (even people who yell). You need to extricate yourself from this situation both for your own sake and for the sake of your daughters. This is not a healthy way for anyone to live and it certainly isn’t a positive model for how family life should be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

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