I met my b/f in high school, we never were romantic until I was 18 and bailed due to trust issues in him, which hurt him. We talked randomly through the years and both had things in life happen. I grew up and accepted life, the past and change in people. He does not and resents the past a lot.
In 2015, we began talking again and have been together since then. We have always just connected and been able to get along with no issues. He still had issues with me from the past, but I just continued to prove myself.
In November of 2016, he asked to look through my phone to alleviate any trust issues. I knew it was wrong to do, but I said yes, because I know I have been faithful since. After 30 min of looking he found a text to my ex that was somehow saved from February 2016. My ex and I had broken up in 2015 and it had been bad for a long time and I knew I had no romantic feelings for him, but my current b/f felt otherwise.
I have never been good with break ups and even after spouts of being rude, I am a kind person and just try being nice. My text said, ” Hi, I am not going to be rude, we can talk if you want. I still feel the same for now about being together and know that upsets you.” He and I never did talk and I haven’t seen since 2015. My b/f said I betrayed him and am not trustworthy because he told me not to talk to him. He even saved the message and reads it now.
Since then he has shut me out and made me feel horrible. He states he knows I am not a bad person, am a lot of good things and he is confident I won’t do anything wrong now or in the future, but doesn’t change his mind. He doesn’t want to “leave” me, but won’t put in effort. All I have done is prove my love and loyalty, even now. I have even started going to therapy for myself. I don’t know what to do. I have never felt so strongly about someone and in 12 years have never let him go.I accept flaws, mistakes, human error and don’t judge. (From the USA)
This issue isn’t yours to work on now. You’ve done your part, explained yourself, and your boyfriend is looking for ways to blame you. Scrolling back six months to find a text that said you didn’t want to be rude, but talking won’t change things to your ex isn’t cause for breaking up — unless you want it to be. Your boyfriend found something he wanted to find. Rather than see it for what it was, a statement of disengagement from your ex, he took it as a sign of betrayal. His insecurity, jealousy, and vulnerability has the best of him.
I’d be clear that he will either have to trust you or not, but that the issue is his to solve — not yours. If he can deal with it, that is great. If he can’t, don’t waste more of your time trying to prove yourself. He will find something to think he is being betrayed even when it isn’t the case.
If you want to offer going to couples therapy, I think that would be a very open gesture, but this may be something your boyfriend might want to try tackling on his own. The find help tab at the top of the page will help you find someone in your area.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
