I used to get many strange looks for the things I did, like smash a bird on the beach with a rock when I was younger, blow fish up with fireworks, laugh when a rock was thrown at a bird and broke its wing, and I also used to abuse pets a lot as well. I used to beat the dog, I would choke my pet hamster until his eyes started bugging out, stuff like that.
Animals aren’t the only area where my behavior is peculiar. I am damn good at manipulating people and also putting on a show to seem like such a great guy (I forgot to mention I am now 21). When I was 18, my ex girlfriend broke up with me so I faked a suicide attempt to reel her back in, I even went as far as slashed my wrists to make it believable. That wasn’t an honest attempt though, it was just a move in the game I was playing to keep her around. The best part is, it worked too.
I have stolen from friends and family, and never felt an ounce of remorse for it. I still currently do, but instead of stealing possessions I steal medications so I can get high. I don’t tell people about this behavior because I don’t want them to see the real me, I can’t keep getting my way if they see me for what I really am.
I also have noticed that when it comes to women, I get bored so easily. When I meet a new girl everything is great in the beginning and fun, but after a while I start to become bored of them and start considering looking elsewhere. I’ll string them along for sex and whatever else they give me until I have my sights set on someone else, and then I’m just done.
I have also engaged in many criminal activities, especially in my early to late teen years. It was always a source of fun for me because I get bored so easily. Another point of mine is I don’t empathize with people, I have never known how to. I actually find it annoying when someone is upset or crying, like why do they feel the need to be such a mess? There’s plenty more that I haven’t told, but what I want to know based on what I have told you is what makes me this way?
The “why” question is not an easy one to answer. Maybe you were born with an inability to empathize. You didn’t mention this, but abuse and neglect are sometimes associated with a lack of empathy. There are many other possibilities, but I would need to know more about you to answer your question.
Even if you knew why you behaved the way you do, it does not provide much guidance for change. What’s most important is your being aware of the problem and wanting to change and be a better person.
My advice is that you seek professional help. Once the therapist collects information about your life history, he or she can provide insight into your “why” question and help you change.
The life of a criminal is not a glamorous or pleasurable one. It’s likely to lead to your loss of freedom. Without help, you’ll probably also struggle to develop deep and meaningful relationships. A life of crime, abuse, manipulation and shallow relationships is the antithesis of a good life. It will lead to your suffering and the suffering of other people.
We are all capable of good or evil, but it is a choice. If you are open to change, then there’s a great deal of hope for you. If not, that’s obviously worrisome.
There is help for you if you are willing to take it. The choice belongs to you. Choose wisely or suffer the consequences. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle
