So I’ve only had a few boyfriends in the past and what happened with one was that we got together as soon as I turned 17 so that it would be legal, he was 25, but then I stopped talking to him immediately because I didn’t want my parents to know and I told him it was because he was older and because he worked with me but really I just don’t like my family knowing I do anything even if its as little as talking to my friend on the phone and also because of his age but mostly because my family knowing didn’t sit well with me. We were dating in secret because then he got promoted to manager and then I didn’t want anyone to know but he didn’t know how to keep secrets and told my friend who we worked with and I just got so unreasonably mad at him. I also felt like he didn’t actually like me because we only ever hung out in his room and just our entire relationship changed as soon as I turned 17 and I didn’t know what I was doing or what he wanted from me and his family hated me because I didn’t say hi to them once in the supermarket but I didn’t see them!So I didn’t want to see his family and I didn’t want my family to know that I was even seeing anyone. Just being with him and any guy for that matter just makes me feel so bad about myself and families always hate me so I get scared to see them and pretty much I end up breaking up with everyone i got out with. just every time I even like a guy I find that I just start hating myself more than usual and I start going on diets and use more makeup so that I don’t look like a complete slob. But then at the same time I have trouble actually talking to other people unless they are the ones coming up to me to talk and even then I think through every response and think about whether I’ll be embarrassing myself or not. Just why do I have so many problems with maintaining a relationship because as soon as anything serious happens I drop everything without thought.
I wouldn’t be so worried about this just yet. It sounds to me like you’re just learning about relationships and how you feel when you’re with somebody. That part is very normal. The fact that you can notice a pattern is good because it gives you the opportunity for control. Since you are just starting college you are going to be with many other young adults in the same boat. Stay mindful of how you feel in the presence of others as you continue to date. What you’re going through sounds very normal, and I wouldn’t label it as pathological.
If after this freshman year you were still unhappy with relationships, I recommend talking to the people at the university counseling center. They can be very helpful and working with you to sort this through.
Wishing you patience and peace,